We are no saints.

Todays song recomendation for you is ''Blind Channel - We are no saints''. I am obsessed okay. I mean yes more Finish boys to obsess over, what a shocker huh? But this songs lyrics speak to me. Especially about the part with the priest and a panic attack. You know what my dad always said? That if I ever go to confess the priest would probably combust in flames. Might actually be true as well. Hah. But speaking of the only reason for me to be caught in a confessional is to fulfill a dirty fantasy of having sex in there. Listen we all have our kinks this just happens to be one of mine. One that would probably have me arrested. I can't even begin to imagine if the police calls home to bail me out for this what my family would do. Mom would kill me but dad would probably laugh and say ''that's my girl''. I miss him. Have I mentioned that lately? Probably not, since things have been growing progressively worse day by day and the list of people to miss is growing longer. But yeah...

Can y'all believe that this year is almost over? I mean mentally I'm still somewhere in 2019, trying to process 2020, confused as fuck when people tell me it's almost 2022. Like how? How?! I don't understand. I was ready to drop bodies the other day when someone condescendingly told me that the 80's were 40 years ago. Wtf. I automatically think ''oh 20 years ago''. How is time even moving I don't get it at all. 

So here's the deal, did I accomplish my goals for 2021? Of course I fucking didn't. Did I look after my mental and physical health? Of course I didn't, they're both easily the most fucked up they've ever been. Did I manage a proper healthy diet and enough sleep? Laughable. Of course I fucking didn't. Was I happy at least for a few brief moments? Well fuck no. But I'm not here to dwell on all the negative. How about some positivity? And Jesus fucking Christ it just occured to me how hard I have to think about it. Not only what has happened in this past year because as I said above my concept of time is completely fucked and I find myself looking things up on the blog or emails to see when something happened. And it was even harder to think what the hell was even positive. Jesus not many things at all. 

I like to think my drawing skills improved immensely because I actually took the time to really work on my drawings, shading and perfecting details. Inktober was the most fun I had all year I'm not going to lie and the drawings created during this Inktober are easily my favourite ones. 

I actually made some new friends that might be reading this right now and they are all badass and I love them. So cheers guys, your friendship has been a highlight in this past fucked up year. 

Maneskin won eurovision. Super happy about that because I obviously love them. And shit I'm already struggling on the positive. My mother would say ''you're still alive'' yeah that is not always a good thing to be honest. 

I got and read some really fantastic books, while still pondering when the fuck I'll finally write my own. Always wanted to but lets be honest it won't ever happen, even if it wouldn't even be a tough task, all I have to do is use my crazy family and turn them into a story. That would probably sell like hot cakes. 

I think this is it. I think that's all the positive I can list. If I started listing the bad shit I think this blog post would never actually end. Sigh. It's been a very tough year you guys, I know, for most of us, so no point in whining. I'm literally selfharming with scrolling through old social media posts about a life I no longer have. I could never dream of concerts not being a thing and missing them this much. You guys! Last show I saw was October 2019 and the only real reason for not seeing a concert this long, for me, it should be death. Honest to god. To be honest all I really feel when looking back at this year is ''Sharp pains impaling through my heart, slowly tearing me apart'', as is the pain from losing the person who wrote this line. Sigh. 

Honestly I'm afraid to scroll back in this blog and have a look on my December / January posts. The whole constantly wishing things get better and they never do part is going to kill me. It's like being in love with someone that will never love you back, you know that feeling right? It's slowly killing you day by day by fucking day, like smoking, or drinking. It's hell. Pure hell and torture. 

Alright enough whining and self pity, the new Season of the Witcher is finally out and I'm going to play a game of ''can I watch the whole season in one night?''. Lol who are we kidding of course I can. Aint nothing like a little bit of gray haired and yellow eyed Henry Cavill in leather to warm up my cold dead heart, just don't ask what the story is about, I have no idea. #shallow