I'm sitting here listening to one of my Stones records I dug up in one of the boxes, feeling as sad as ever. My heart is heavy. My chest is too tight. Everything hurts. Everything and nothing is wrong. I am homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I'm homesick for people that no longer exist in my life. I am homesick for a place where I'm understood, loved and my heart is full. Sigh. Who knew someday those basic things were going to be too much to ask for?
I keep coming back to ''Wild Horses'' I love that song so much. I actually love this band so much. I know you guys probably don't know, I find it bizarre to fangirl over men that could be my great grandfathers even if I do shriek like a little girl when their music comes on the radio (yes car rides with me usually are VERY fun). I didn't actually get to hear this song live on their show…I feel really really blessed and privileged to be able to see them live at all, and to hear all my other favorites including Angie which is nowhere near as popular to play live as some other hits are. My point here, it's a shame I didn't get to hear Wild Horses live, which I now never will, at least not in the right line up and that hurts my heart, this fucking pandemic took more than a year of touring, and losing Charlie Watts just made it more obvious how much time that is, it's not that I don't have time, it's that most of my favourite musicians don't have the time.
I guess I love this heaviness, darkness if you will, that hangs in the air throughout the entire song, ''Wild Horses''. Maybe I like the heaviness because it reflects perfectly how I feel on the inside. Maybe I just like the darkness. Who knows. Maybe it's the progression of life of the couple in the song, life used to be simple, hell life used to be good ''Childhood living is easy to do, the things you wanted I bought them for you''. Inseparable love, innocent, happy, transparent, but as time passes and the pain sets in, and they share that too ''I watched you suffer a dull aching pain, now you've decided to show me the same''. Maybe it's the relatability of the lyrics that strike the right cord for me. Or maybe it's just this line ''Faith has been broken, tears must be cried, lets do some living after we die''. I guess we all hope for something better if life as it is is hell.
People are debating what the ending means when the Wild horses are no longer dragging him away but rather ''we'll ride them someday''. I've been told I'm a cloud of bitterness because to me is saying goodbye to someone, a friend, lover, family, that you'll never see again, while other people see hope. I have no idea how, I keep saying, abandon all hope, it's the hope that keeps on breaking your heart, over and over and fucking over again.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, I guess I'm just tired beyond being able to sleep it off, cold and sad, trying to distract my mind from spinning out of control which seems to be a gift I posses these days. I suppose I'm also trying to pin point when things spun this far out of control, when did I just stop caring about everything? Why is music no joy? Why am I not even keeping up with my fave shows? Why am I hoarding books and never reading them? Why can't I finish a drawing pass a quick messy sketch? Maybe because I'm a fucking mess. Sigh.
Have you read the book ''Diary of Anais Nin''? There's a quote in there saying ''I watched life and wanted to be a part of it, but found it painfully difficult''. I think that's how I feel all the time. I think people just don't know how sleepless nights can affect you, not just because it's unhealthy, or how overthinking will literally kill you bit by fucking bit, it turns your mind into thoughts you wish you didn't have, thoughts you wish weren't yours at all. I don't think people really understand anything.
God I saw a grafitti the other day and I can't stop thinking about it ''I no longer have any dreams, you can't kill me''. It's true isn't it? What more can you possibly lose when you no longer have dreams? I know this is unhealthy, storing up all this anger, grief, despair, depression, guilt, sadness, and eventually it spills over or you drown in it. I feel like I'm drowning these days. Life is really painfully difficult. I wish it really was as easy as ''Picking up the pieces''.
Actually, I just remembered what I wanted to share. My iPhone is currently full of what I hope are creative pictures of my newest books. Haven't shared them yet since I didn't get to read anything, but I hope to, soon. I have a thing about my books being new, perfect, no creases, god forbid broken spines on paperbacks, I will literally read a book half closed to avoid those, keep being called psycho for it but I guess I'm just OCD enough to be driven half insane by damaged books. Or when second part is taller than the first. Who does that?! What kinda animal does that? If any publisher is reading this, please for the love of everything holy, DO NOT change sizes of books in a series.
But all that aside, what I love which is completely opposite of what I just wrote, are second hand books, that were once gifted to someone. I have one of those,''Wuthering Heights'', it had to be gifted to a woman by her lover after he fucked up something real bad. A beautiful message and I can't help but keep on wondering first what he did and second what happened that the book eventually ended up in the book store. What matters though is that this book was also a gift to me and the one who gave it to me, left his own message in the back. It's not my fave story but the book might be my favorite in my collection because of that alone.
This post is a mess, like my mind, I apologise, it was supposed to be about Charlie but it would appear that these days I'm not so good at goodbyes even if it is ''just'' a musician I love. Charlie Watts was the heart and soul of Rolling stones, I can't imagine how the music world will be like now that he's gone. I can't imagine what the Stones will be like without him. I can't imagine what losing him and losing all of them at some point means for the rock n roll music. I guess in a way like a friend of mine said after Green Day announced that you have to be vaccinated for their concert ''punk is not dead, it's just on a respirator''.
Enjoy this quick doodle of Charlie that I literally sketched up while waiting in the car, seems like 50% of my life these days is waiting and the other 50 is crying.
Rest easy Charlie, you'll be missed terribly, the world is just a little bit darker without you here.
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