So here's the deal, I'm not Nikki, I don't own this blog, I'm just using it as a medium. Call this a grand gesture, you know how guys sometimes do that whole boom box in front of a girls window thing? Or stand on diner tables singing ''everything you want, I got it''? Sort of like that. I think an apology for my crimes simply through texts aint enough. I'm making it public so the entire world, the world that reads this, and there's damn many of you, can see, I'm freakin sorry. This is an apology note yes.
So I fucked up. Again. And this time it's all my fucking fault. I let my weakness get the better of me. I let my insecurity and fear get the best of me. I let it consume me and drive me crazy and take it out on you. I get crazy with the need to protect you from everything and everyone and end up fucking up what we have. I don't even know why I do it, you're much stronger than I am, you're my fucking hero. I don't do well under pressure, I crumble, I lose my mind, I'm going crazy and there you are, calm, collected, cool as a cucumber. You never let it show when things get hard, you put on a fake fucking smile and deal with it, like the warrior you are.
Thing is I had never in my life felt what I feel for you. I never fell this fast and this hard as I have for you. Remember August 25th? Two or three years ago. I remember exactly what you wore, that god damn crop top and shorts that make you look amazing, and all that pefect black and purple makeup, the purple just brings your beautiful honey toned eyes out so much more. They shine in the sun. And I remember that sweet perfume that I love so much. And I remember just how broken you were, I remember the tears and the sadness, and I remember you came looking for comfort in the bottle of Jack Daniels but found it in my arms instead. I wasn't used to it, I wasn't used to you letting your guard down, letting anyone but your best friends see that side of you and I sure as hell didn't expect our ''relationship'' was there yet.
I never told you but I was freaking out. My heart almost jumped out of my chest, I was worried it was so loud you could hear it. My fucking palms were sweating and I could have sworn that I was shaking a little bit only praying you wont notice. I was running my fingers through your hair telling you it's gonna be alright. We both knew at that point nothing will be alright and nothing was alright but that was that inner desire to protect you so I told you what you needed to hear. I think that's my problem now, I see that broken little girl, that girl that needs that ''I don't need to be the king of the world, just as long as I'm the hero of this little girl''…protection, someone who lets no harm come to her. How fucking wrong am I though? It's not you who needs protection, you're not weak, you're not a scared little girl, you stand tall and strong and don't give a flying fuck and I admire that about you so much. Sure you falter sometimes, and crumble sometimes but you're strong on all other days and you make it through it all. I think it's me who needs protection and feeling safe and stronger and tougher. I think it's me who gets hurt easier.
I admire your strength and I admire a shit ton of other things really. I admire how selfless you are, I admire how the world put you through hell and you still believe in the good in people and in the good of the world, you still help people, you still love. It's amazing after so much pain and heartache nobody would blame you for being cold or closed off. I admire that you still have faith, I lost that faith in things being better a while back. I admire how despite falling down several times you still get back up, smile and try again. I admire you as a person, you're amazing, too amazing for words, like you described a certain friend a post below mine, but failed to see, he loved you because you are just like him. Kind, loving, smart, funny, amazing, a beautiful soul, even if you sometimes fail to see it. I fucking swear anyone who is blessed to have you in their life, as family, as a friend, as a partner, should count their blessings because there aint nobody like you on this planet.
Which brings us to another thing, I'm all wrong for you, I had been all wrong for you since day one when we met, I didn't always treat you right, I drove you absolutely crazy at times, still do, but I never ever not even for a second stopped loving you. Since that first moment, think it was an hour after we met when I said to myself ''fuck mate, you're in trouble'' and I was, gone for. In love. Head over heels. I may have hid things from you, maybe told you a white lie now and then, only in order to protect you, never to hurt you. I did it to protect you, I thought you couldn't handle it, but the truth is that maybe I can't handle it. Maybe I need someone to protect me from all the hurt and the pain that I'm trying to hide from you. I know I said things I shouldn't, I know I said things that hurt and as soon as those were out I literally tore my heart apart. Lets be honest, I never mean any of it, I'm an idiot who's not worthy of you and I'd rather bury myself alive than cause you more pain. I just sometimes don't know what I do.
I remember that one day, after we met but weren't together, we were just friends at the time, so long ago, you were sitting in a corner booth of your favorite bar, sketching Slash and listening to those god awful songs only you like on your iPod, let me point out it became my favorite playlist now, because it reminds me of you. I always loved watching you draw, you're so focused, so lost in the sketch you're making that I'm pretty sure the world around you could burn down and you'd not even notice. I literally stared at you for an hour without you knowing it. Once again that same friend from the post below, with his famous eyeroll, he told me I'm fucking creepy, that I should just go and talk to you, ''she don't bite idiot''. Sure. Only sometimes. But I never did, because of him actually, the way you looked at him, like he was a walking miracle, like he hung the moon, I knew it wasn't romantic, but I just sat there wishing you looked at me like you did at him. I envied him that, he had you, all of you, all your love and friendship and admiration in a way nobody else will. And I was jealous, I wanted to be your friend at least if nothing else and too scared to even come into your life.
He tried to hook us up again later, you'll remember ''randomly meeting'' at a concert? Well it wasn't random at all, he told me you two will be there so I went, and like an idiot I watched you the entire night like a hawk instead of talking to you. I was nervous, seems like such a pussy thing but really I was nervous, you make me nervous. That laugh sweet jesus, the way you bite your lower lip, dear lord have mercy, and you are completely oblivious to just how perfect, stunning, beautiful you are. All you see are flaws, but baby, women aren't supposed to be Barbie dolls and everything you hate about you I just love that much more. You're gorgeous.
And I remember that one phone call that I got from your brother, in January. You know which phone call. I never dropped everything so fast and ran to get you. I can't describe the panic, anxiety and heartbreak I felt, the entire time on that plane I was going crazy. Scared of what I'm walking into, scared of how to make things better. I never really knew what a panic attack was before that day, I completely lost my mind on that plane and then counted to ten, took a deep breath, put my feelings aside and I was there for you. And the irony of this January. All bad things happen to us in January. I actually knew before, but our blonde friend didn't want to tell you when you're home alone. I felt utter dread when your phone rang that morning because I knew what he'll say, and honestly I think the entire city heard your screaming and my heart breaking. It was tearing my heart apart, all I wanted was to hold you and make the pain go away. All I wanted was to kiss the sadness away.
You know me, I was hurt before and it made me ''tough'', stuck up, made me think I don't need anyone in my life but then you came along and now I just can't live without you by my side. I can't sleep well alone. How stupid is that? I feel like a freakin pansy. I can't function well without you with me, I literally only feel alive when we're together. Only you make me feel as happy and as free and as crazy as I do with you, you make me feel like I can be better, like I can do better, like so many things I never dared dream about are possible. Maybe I dare to dream bigger now because you make me feel like it's possible, maybe because I still wanna impress you. And honestly, most important, you make me feel loved. Loved in a way I never knew was possible and loved in a way I know nobody loved me before. And humble. Because for the love of everything holy I can't understand how is it possible that someone as amazing, breathtaking (quoting Keanu here), intelligent, smart, sassy, adorable, beautiful, gorgeous, selfless, funny, charming, cute, silly, pretty and perfect would ever love me back.
And that is why I am sorry. So fucking sorry. I can't regret anything in my life as much as I regret sayhing things to you that I didn't mean, and treating you as I did. We both know that I'm an idiot and that I'm stupid enough to fuck up, in the past, right now and in the future. I do stupid shit because I'm stupid and not worth your love. I was wrong, I was dumb and I was immature and you do not deserve the pain and anger and grief I caused you. I promised myself I'd never make you feel unwanted, rejected, worthless and I will never not hate myself for failing the simplest task I had / have, which is loving you as you deserve to be loved. Which is easy, because I do, every single part of you. I know a simple sorry can't make things right, it's just a word, a word that means little when feelings are hurt, and it can't take away what's been done. But god baby, I am so sorry, so fucking sorry for hurting you, for being a mess and fucking up the only good thing in my life.
Truth to be told you deserve someone better, someone who would treat you as a queen that you are, spoil you, take care of you, never take you for granted and never make you feel anything but loved beyond measure. I'm not sure if I'm the right person for the task but I am fucking selfish. Too selfish to let you go without a fight.
I love you, more than anything else in my life, that argument we had some time back, I have an answer for you now, I wouldn't have a problem walking away from everything you think I love most because you're wrong, comparing to you, it means nothing, you on the other hand are everything. If you find it in you to forgive me, I promise to always tell you the truth no matter what, to always be honest with my feelings, and to never again doubt you and make assumptions again. And I will never, ever, never be the reason you're hurt ever again. I love you so much, please, just come back to me.
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