I’m stuck here wondering what I did wrong for you to leave me here, all alone.

Pet shop boys have a song ''What have I done to deserve this?'', I'm not much of a fan but I can relate to the song title. It's a question I've been asking myself...too many times in my life probably but this month? On a daily basis...

I tend to avoid any and all really personal journal type posts. It's private, not something that should be shared online. Maybe writing a blog almost nobody reads can ease my soul a little bit...

I don't know what I've done to deserve the life I live. Nevermind the past, nevermind the future that I probably don't even have. I mean the present. The present that is nothing but god awful. My 2017 wasn't great and everyone kept telling me ''don't worry, 2018 will be better, it can't always be bad'' I don't know where that shitty logic comes from, I really don't. I can't even begin with the hell 2018 is turning out to be.

Few months back I thought my biggest issue was an university exam I didn't feel prepared enough for but passed anyways. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I'm cursed. Everything wrong that can happen will happen to me. It started with my car being totalled. And I had such a hard time processing that. I still can't process how everything I love is taken away from me, those of you who know me better will understand this sentence better.

But hah, I couldn't know that that was nothing comparing to what 2018 has in store for me. In a span of a month I didn't just lose my father but my entire family, who is more concerned about getting as much of his ''wealth'' as possible then my well being. Did anyone ask me how I'm doing? Did anyone care if I'm alright? Did anyone ask how I'm coping? No. I'm in the middle of this storm and all I want to do is scream and cry and hurt someone, anyone, all of them. Hurt them as much as they hurt me. At the end of the day it's not them, it's me, I'm the one who lost everything. They were always a lousy family to begin with, I never mattered in their eyes but this? This is crossing all lines.

And I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I feel so lonely and so unwanted, so cheated, so destroyed, so damaged, so unloved. I tried to convince myself that I'm okay, that I'm fine, that I don't even care. But at the end of the day all I did was bottle up all my emotions and what's going to happen when they finally blow up?

Thing is people around me keep asking me if I’m okay, and I keep saying that I’m fine, that everything is fine, and they see me breathing, living and they believe it. But the truth is that deep down I’m falling apart, I’m collapsing, I'm choking. My world is shattered, falling apart at the seams. But the ironic thing is I keep smiling. I keep pretending. I keep moving on, keep on hoping. Hoping that someday, somehow the pain stops. Doesn't look like it will but some blind, idiotic, sadistic part of me keeps on hoping.

And you know the sane part of me knows it's pointless, all of it. It's pointless losing sleep over someone that isn't losing sleep over me. It's pointless feeling heartbroken over people that were never heartbroken over me. It's pointless. All of it. So then why can't I just tell everyone to fuck off and leave it at that? Why? Am I stupid? A complete fucking idiot? What's the matter with me?

Thing is, such things will never stop hurting. And they will never get better, and I don't know why I'm clinging to some false hope. I shouldn't hope, I shouldn't think ''well maybe...'' there is no maybe, there is no silver lining, things are the way they are and as soon as I learn to understand that...the better.

Truth is, I miss my dad. I even miss our fights and how he used to drive me insane. I miss all of it. And I can't comprehend how the only people, your family, your own blood, the one that should be there by your side to help you cope is treating me the way mine is treating me.

At the end of the day I'm nothing like them, money isn't my priority, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat just to have more time with dad. I was robbed of a family to start with and now of my time with dad too. No matter how much I complained over him, he was a good man and I know he loved me, he just had a funny way of showing it, but then again so did I. We were just the same. Truth is, I am not okay at all, truth is that I don't know if I can handle all of this, truth is I don't think I'm strong enough, but the truth is also that I have no choice.

I was just wondering...how much do you think a person can take before they break down? And also what happens when a person is to broken to be fixed?