I talked about the purpose and concept of this blog a little while back, and how that purpose got lost along the way. ''Lost along the way'' like that one All time low song. It got me thinking if perhaps we aren't all a little lost. One way or another. And I was thinking if that's really such a bad thing? You know how it is in Italy right? You're supposed to get a little lost to discover the best and the unknown places. Maybe life is kinda like that too? Maybe you have to be a little lost to discover things you never would if you stick to the charted path. I'm one to speak right? My life was never charted, never mapped out. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time, my motto is ''fake it till you make it''. I feel like whoever claimed I'm an adult is high on crack cocaine...but...what if this mess is how my life is supposed to be? So I don't have shit figured out, fine, who does, maybe that's how it's supposed to be? Chaotic and a perfect mess like I am? Maybe I just Worship Chaos huh? I don't know...just thinking out loud. Been doing that a lot lately. Looking at things from a different angle, from a different perspective. Learning new things about myself. About life. About art. About what inspires me, about what makes me happy and content and creative. It's been quite the journey not going to lie. Chaotic, messy, eye opening journey.
Why do we spend so much time comparing ourselves and our accomplishments with others? Some people have it all figured out and a house and 2,5 kids and a career all before they're 25 and some don't. Why does that determine their worth? Some artists are published with tons of likes on each of their posts and some aren't, again that shouldn't determine their worth or talent? Why do people play that ''kinder kuche kirche'' boring mundane talks with you really? They don't care about your life one bit, they wanna measure you, they wanna adapt the level of respect and tone of conversation to that. That's what they're doing. Because believe me, their attitude towards you will be drastically different if you're a cleaning lady or a judge. We got lost along the way, determining our worth on things that don't matter, things that shouldn't matter. What should matter is our humanity, who we are as people, our empathy, our compassion, our amore, that should be the determining factor of what you're worth.
And it sure as hell shouldn't be about ''finding yourself''. It should always be about creating yourself. It should be about inspiring others to create too, it should be...building the best version of you you can be, for yourself, not for others. I don't know why we allow others to influence us so much, why we allow them to dim our lights, why we adapt and change for them. Why we change to fit in? That's pure bullshit. I sure as hell strongly believe if you don't like me for me, even on my worst days, even with all my flaws, then you sure as hell don't deserve me on my good days, and you sure as hell don't deserve the good parts. Same with friendships, it's not real if I have to play pretend, walk on eggshells or change just to be accepted. I'm rather lonely, because in reality nothing, no loneliness, no nothing is worse than being in a room full of people and feeling alone.
Ironically just a few days ago someone told me it's pure chaos in my soul, and pure madness in my head, and pure electricity in my veins, and too much love in my heart, and how that is what he loves most about me, all the things other people hate, those are his favourite. I was taken aback, because all the things everyone in my life pointed out as flaws...they're not really flaws at all. I was being made insecure because...what is a confident woman really? Capable of burning the whole world down aint she? Capable of brining every man down to his knees aint she? People say they can handle storms so you'd let them in but then it turns out they can handle a drizzle and you're a hurricane. You know what I mean? I don't know where I'm going with this, like I said pure chaos but sometimes you just gotta put it out there and hope your words resonate with someone else too. The point is I was always made believe that I was too much. Too much of this too much of that, but the irony is I was just enough for someone, only never lucky enough to be surrounded by my someones.
I was also told recently that I'm a paradox, confusing, intriguing. Sometimes completely insecure in everything I do, sometimes confident to a point I come off narcissistic. I can be warm, kind, endearing one minute but then cold, indifferent and aloof the next. Faithful but detached, loving everyone yet hating everybody.True. But my behaviour very much depends on who it's directed at, you get what you deserve really. Some days I can spend hours just babbling about my passions, about the universe, about life, about my inspirations and creations and sometimes expecting a simple smile is too much. I was told I was an enigma without any possible way of being solved, and that I really shouldn't be anyways, some things shouldn't be understood, some things should only be accepted and / or loved as they are, don't you agree? Isn't that how art is also supposed to be? Not understood, but loved? You don't buy a painting because of a clear clean soulless bouquet of flowers that's painted do you? You buy it because you love it. You buy it with your heart.
Which brings us to this mind blowing enlightenment I got. I told you I went all ''eat, pray, love'' right? Well differently. But same concept. Discovering things, understanding things, etc. I had a hard time understanding why people always ended up walking out of my life. It was something that happened always no matter what, and I was just thinking, what the hell is the matter with me? Why is this happening all the time? Well. It's not me. It is. But it also isn't. I honestly think people who claimed to love me never did, they loved an idea of me in their head, an illusion, a version of me I allowed them to see, not pretending per say just, showing them what I wanted them to see and keeping the rest hidden, locked away in a box. People loved the easy versions of me, the easiest things about me to love, and when they saw a glimpse under the surface...that was game over.
And honestly thinking about it, I'm so many things to so many people. Annoying? Awful? Bitch? Aloof? Stupid? Detached? Kind? The list goes on and on...but who am I to me? How do I define me? I don't honestly even know no more. The one thing, the one thing that's a constant. Artist. Creator. That's who I am. That's who and what I'll always be, no matter what version of me you get to know, that's the one thing all versions have in common, the one thing that can not be changed or altered.
Most days lately I just do not understand people you know? I understand I can't expect people to see, feel and understand people on the same level I do. That's my tragedy. Understanding people that will never understand me. People make me feel lately like I am drowning but I can't fucking die. All the time. That's why I prefer being alone, alone with people that do understand me, detached, not letting new people in or even close. Maybe that's why I cling to art, to music, to poems, because I desperately want to feel like I'm not alone, like someone out there understands me, and can say it better how I feel than I can.
Maybe that's why spilling my feelings on canvas is just easier. You see the polished perfect portraits but I never share the angry doodles, the paper wet with tears, the shredded pieces when anger and frustration takes over. Paper doesn't judge. Art doesn't judge. Art is a way to escape reality which I find myself needing more often lately. You know that Nietzsche actually said that ''no artist tolerates reality'' I felt that. And I feel it even more now. Reality is becoming more and more difficult to bare. I don't know where I'm going with this really, maybe in the end I am just as lost as Alice and just as mad as the Hatter.
All of these things, all the shit that happened in my life, all the fucked up friendships, relationships, family...that made me wonder if I understand love. I didn't. It made me wonder if I even know what it really is. I didn't. It made me wonder if love is worth fighting for...and all it took for me to look at that one right person and I was ready for war. And that both scares the hell out of me, and excites me. It's one of those things you know...things you don't understand but feel instead. Because you know the reality is nobody understands love, they feel it, they want it. The only issue is because people are in love with the idea of love, but nobody is willing to work for it, to sacrifice, to go to war. And it's me again that's the problem. You ask for a spark and I'll give you a wildfire. I don't know how to love a little. It's either all in or nothing.
I don't know the point I'm trying to get across really, I'm rambling, I'm puttng words out there hoping someone can relate. Letting myself fall hoping to be caught kinda thing. But I know one thing. Creation makes me happy, art defines me. And with all the chaos in me there's also so much love. Love for those who earn it, those that are like me, willing to go to war. Can you imagine what a world it would be, if love was the only thing we fought for? Yeah, me neither.
Let me end this post with a thank you. Thank you for those that showed me love, thank you for those that inspired me, those that made me create, those that made me smile when I had nothing to smile about, those that were here for me always, even if on the other side of the world in a different time zone. Thank you thank you thank you, for showing me that there is kindness in an unkind world.
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