It feels like I haven't been writing in forever. Like, you know what I mean, properly sit down and write some thoughts, frustrations, stupidity, insanity. Whichever one works. I started this blog primarily to share art...well, yes, we saw how well that went, ha ha. And to do some travel write ups, well...you know...lol...somewhere along the way it turned into ramblings about music, esentially I turned into a music blogger, which at the end of the day, makes most sense, doesn't it? Music is such an important part of my life, such a huge part of me and the reason for everything good in my life, what the hell else should I be writing about? And also...this blog was and it still is, a safe space, for me to share whatever I feel like sharing, which sometimes made it feel a bit too...depressing. That was never my intention btw, it happened along the way, with emotions I didn't feel comfortable sharing with people around me. Which possibly brings us to why I haven't been writing...life lately has been, dare I say good? Amazing? Fantastic? It's ironic that when things suddenly go really well, I have no words to describe them, I don't know how to put them into words. I don't know how to put happiness into words, maybe I'm just scared of putting a label on it and making it disappear.
A lot of you have been asking me if anything had changed ever since I got my diagnosis. Yes. And no. Things aren't magically better, or easier at all. But what is easier is how I cope with it. What is easier is understanding. Not that much from the world around me, lets face it that never did and never will show understanding, but understanding myself. You know I am my worst enemy and critic, and understanding that sometimes I can't be okay, and sometimes I can't have my shit together, and there's a damn good reason for that...well that made me less tough on myself. And it made me understand boundaries on a whole new level, and maybe people too. They don't see the world like I do, and that's okay. I just gotta surround myself with people that do. ''Your vibe attracts your tribe''.
And that's what I did. Surrounded myself with people that understand. People that care. People that are like me, share my passions, views, drive, love, insanity. People who's demons play so well with mine. And I learned the rest should stay in the past. I don't chase people no more, if you want to be in someone's life you make the time not excuses, so if you want to walk out of my life, there's the door. Hell I'll even hold it open for you.
And you know what? It's been...fucking amazing. Running the risk of sounding a bit cliche but it's like the color is back in the world. Like the grayness and darkness lifted a little. Things are still gloomy and difficult, but they're no longer dominating. There's happiness in between. Being surrounded by happiness...it's...someting else. There's a smile plastered on my face non stop, my chest hurts from laughing not crying, I burned through a 100 page sketch book in a month, couldn't stop creating and without bragging, my art had never been this good. I've allowed the darkness to win and dominate my life for so long that these rays of sunshine now seem unreal.
I'm still scared though, scared of all of this bursting like a soap bubble and landing in a deeper circle of inferno I've ever been in. I'm not exactly sure I'd cope with that. But you know what also? I'm pushing all these negative thoughts aside and living in the moment. Because what are we essentially if not just moments? Don't let those pass you by.
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