''Vse kar si želim, je malo nežnosti, dotika toplih rok ob zori jutranji,...v objemu toplem se zbudim, a moje pa srce zdaj tava v temi...''
Do you ever wish the world would stop spinning? I don't mean the gravity and the sciency bullshit that comes with it. I mean the...I don't know ''poetic'' part of it? The please stop, so I can catch up part of it. Or do you ever wish the world would just disappear? Maybe just your world? Maybe just the people in it? Maybe you yourself wanna disappear? I don't even know no more, I just know things have been going from difficult to impossible lately. I often think that things can not get any worse, and I'm surprised each time when I fall to a whole new level of inferno. I don't know why and how but lately it feels like the only way is down, and it doesn't look like there's going to be a way up anymore. Ever. Everything is bleak.
I don't know where I'm even going with this, don't ask. I just know I haven't been feeling alright in a long time. I know things haven't been alright in a long time. I know I've been blamed for things that are absolutely out of my control, and judged over things I can't change. And ridiculed for anything and everything and truth to be told it made me confused and it made me hate myself and it made me miserable and sad and lost. I don't know, nor do I understand what is it that I'm doing wrong. I don't see it, I don't get it. My brain, my mind works different, I don't know, I don't understand ''normal'' and nobody is willing to explain what's ''wrong'' with me. All I get is hatred. Hatred for not being another brick in the wall, hatred for being the black sheep in the heard. Hatred for not seeing the world the same way as others do, hatred for seeing maybe a couple more colors then the rest or maybe less colors then the rest. To me things are simple, black and white, good and bad. There are no shades of gray, especially when it comes to people. And I'm not saying I'm ideal or perfect. Just different. And I suppose that different is what's been destroying me bit by fucking bit. You know how they say you don't need to drink or smoke, how love will kill you bit by fucking bit? This is the same. Being pushed to the side, expendable, hated, being the ''spare'' one, misunderstood, unloved all my life. That's what's been killing me bit by fucking bit.
I honestly feel at this point I'm just around because murder is illegal, because how will you explain to people around you I disappeared? I'm not suicidal mind you, maybe just passively suicidal. Like I'm not going to slit my wrists but I also wont care if someone else does it type thing? I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being lonely, alone, tired of not having anyone team me, someone willing to fight for me. Mabye I'm too much of a romantic, maybe the whole being loved unconditionally, irrevocably, eternally, endlessly...maybe that only exists in my head. Maybe people don't do that no more, maybe they don't even know how. Maybe some people are not meant to belong, maybe some people are not meant to be loved but only exist. Maybe some people, some of us are just damaged beyond repair you know. Maybe when someone wanted to show us love and affection we'd not even understand what's going on.
It's funny but...I mean it's not a lot I'm asking for, some understanding, that maybe just maybe I'm not like you. And maybe some...I don't know solidarity? Is that the word. To listen to me, not what people around me talk about me. And maybe I don't know stand up for me instead of being embarrased of me. And maybe just once tell me you care. I am basically three fucking decades years old and I have never in my life heard an ''I love you'' from a family member. Ever. No. All I got is screaming, yelling, anger, disappointment, mocking, laughter, degradation, swearing, cussing, insults, hits sometimes, and yet in the end...the fact that I am ''damaged'' is my fault. It's kinda funny because...you can't expect to bloom and get better in an environment that's making you sick right?
I guess that's what I crave. Love. Understanding. Devotion. Things I never knew in my life. Maybe that's why I keep going back to people that hurt me, for that small fraction of love that they did show me. However fake it was or wasn't. Maybe that's why I prefer staying silent and not speaking at all because all I know is to be quiet. Shut up and don't speak, your opinion is stupid and invalid because it's different. Because you don't fly with the flock and don't swim with the fish. Maybe that's why I don't know how to talk to people? Maybe that's also why I don't want to talk to people? Why waste my time when they won't care anyway? Maybe that's also why I'm so used to pain because when I wanted love, pain was all I got. Maybe that's why I love an illusion because an illusion can't hurt me, someone who can remain perfect in my mind. Always. Because I'll never know the truth anyways and that's safe. Comforting.
You know that line ''my darling, you hold so much sadness in your eyes, I can almost touch the scars of your soul and cry''? Kinda like that. And I wonder at which point is it too late to put your life, heart, soul, body back together? What if some pieces are just lost and you'll never be whole again? What if there's just nothing worth fighting for no more? I wonder...why would I even want to get better? Physically, mentally...why? What for? In a world that doesn't love you, in a world that doesn't understand you...why? The irony is that the only person you should put yourself back together is you, but if you give up on yourself...what's the point? And what's the point fighting for love if you're the only one fighting....and what's the point if all you get in return is...I don't even know but it seems to me it makes no difference if I was alive or dead, most days.
As I said above, I'm not suicidal, I just wish I stopped existing. Does that make sense? Nothing does no more, nothing makes sense, the light is lost, the passion is lost, the beauty is lost. I look at the sky and see a graveyard of stars not an endless sea of possibilty. I see endings not beginings. I see pain. And despair. Sigh. And all I long for is something to change, but am powerless to do so. Or maybe my newest health issues are some sorta sign from above. Maybe someone is telling me to just give up fighting at some point. I don't know no more.
Ignore me, I guess this is nothing a glass (or a bottle, or two) of wine can't fix. In the mean time, I'll be back sitting at the graveyard, drawing. Maybe I'm a better ghost than a human being anyway.
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