So while I sit here and talk myself down from a major panic attack, don't even ask…and also wait for a live stream of a concert, guess from now on I'll only be watching concerts on my computer, which is about the same as online sex…how about some words of wisdom? Lol as if, when was I ever wise? Let's face it, this is just distraction so I don't scratch my legs raw and bloody. Another don't ask type thing, freakin allergies and medication that doesn't really work. Or lets say works about as much as putting a bandaid on a crack in a concrete wall. I would literally kill for some relief so a simple bug bite wouldn't get so out of control. Wishful thinking.
In other news, I've actually seen a ''concert'' the other day. Lol. Concert. As close to one as I've been in almost two years anyways but in reality it was just a couple – duo, singing in a bar, which by some miracle hasn't thrown us out given that we didn't have about ten different pieces of paper proving we're not contaminated. It should be my mental state that they should be checking, you're far more likely to get stabbed for saying ''good morning'' to me, than you are to get infected by a glorofied cold. Point here is that it was a nice show non the less, and ironically people use ''touch starved'' all the time, I realised I'm concert starved, to a point where I'd be throwing underwear to this duo singing for about twenty of us in a dark hole of a bar. Well, would throw underwear to them if I was wearing any that is.
I actually in theory wanted to share something with you guys. The fact that I've been struggling lately is nothing new, but there's a thing that someone said to me that sorta made things different, ''when a flower doesn't bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower''. And though that's nothing shocking, I just thought about it how I'm doing things the wrong way. I'm looking for flaws and what to fix on myself instead of fixing things around me. I can't expect to get better in an environment that's made me sick in the first place. I can't get better with people that are making me sick and brigning me down constantly, but the real issue is that getting away from them, and from it all, right now is just unrealistic. Maybe thats why I spend so much of my time lost in a drawing or in a fantasy book. Their worlds, their lives are just so much better, spending hours lost in a different universe…makes your own life bearable.
Speaking of which, you guys want some more book reviews? That much I could manage, I think. Probably. Even if reading is always much better than writing. I recently got a ton of really good ones, haven't read them all yet because I was busy working on art projects but you know…at some point. I also tend to get stuck back on Hemingway. I don't know, he's just…he's something else. I tend to re read a story I've read a million times instead of moving on to something new. A friend recently introduced me to Jack Londons Call of the wild. I knew of London before of course, I just didn't really read much of his stuff myself. The ''funny'' part is, I was going through some of his titles online and it hit me like a big fucking brick wall, my dad used to read ''White fang'' to me when I was little. He would read me before bed every night. Classics mostly. Made me think about how much I just miss that ''us'' time. Or better yet made me think about how much I just miss my dad. You know how they say, sons are closer with their mothers and daughters are always ''daddys girls''. Yeah. Sometimes a girl just needs her dad, to either guide her, help her, or beat someone up for her. And I miss mine, so much time was stolen from us and it's just…it's not fair.
But lets not go there right now or else this will turn into another sob story which I don't want. Instead I'll share a collection of CD/VINYL/DVDs of one of my biggest fever dreams…
People close to me know that my obsession with this man is huge. Big crush. Just recently the CD on the right upper side came in the mail, I'm not going to lie if I tell you that I sobbed for good 20 minutes because it's signed. Lol. Crazy fan girl I know. Part of me is shallow, the man is probably one of the most beautiful human beings I ever saw but that aside he's a musical prodigy and a genius. I mean yes, I've always been a metal child, no doubt, but actually I really love classical music. Bach is one of my absolute favourites and I love to listen to him in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. Wait! I actually mean Johann Sebastian Bach the German composer, not the pretty blond Skid Row singer, him I'd rather spend time differently in the middle of the night tbh. Just saying.
Another one of my favourites is the very same musical genius that Garrett portrays in the ''Devils Violinist'', Niccolo Paganini. Fun fact, I was in Vienna when this movie was shot, like literally on the movie set, but missed David for about an hour. I don't know what would happen if he would suddenly appear in front of me to be honest. I mean the whole ''shrieking fan girl''? Probably not, I'd probably be frozen to the spot and mumble something stupid, just to make an idiot out of myself. Yep sounds about right, just like me. Or maybe my last (too erotic to describe here) dream in which he was the main star in would play in my head and it would be impossible for me to even think.
Point here, David is not an actor but there couldn't be anyone else playing Paganini because nobody comes close to their genius talent. But they differ in nature lol, David is a good boy, actually my friends constantly tease me we could never work together because I'd corrupt him. Lol. As if. But really he's a good boy while Paganini was probably the first ''rock star'' and worse than all of them combined. Booze, drugs, women…you know the works. He probably wasn't as handsome as David though, who has women falling at his feet in this movie. Not that I don't understand. I've seen the movie ''a few'' times and still have a hard time focusing on it. His face is awfuly distracting, them gorgeous eyes one gets lost in, in combination with long lashes, and then that heart stopping smile. OH.MY.GOD. Please do unspeakable things to me, anything you want, anywhere, anytime. Honest to god I think I'd go into cardiac arrest if he was standing in front of me. Sigh. That story of when I met Mick Jagger would repeat itself. I can be a complete idiot so help me jesus. I was hyperventilating the entire concert and he was at a safe distance, on stage. And when he smiled I probably came in my panties, yes I was wearing some on that show, probably just in case I'd want to throw them on stage. Lol.
Now to end this feverish post before it gets out of control and I need another cold shower, in the spirit of sharing things I love instead of so much darkness, here's my latest drawing (a better photo with close ups will be posted on IG so make sure you check back), I am ridiculously proud of it and I spent over a month working on it. It's Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron in Star Wars. It's a geek life for me you guys, but also, come on, how freakin handsome is he?
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been rambling because it's Davids live stream concert I'm waiting for. And if you hear screaming, sighing or hysteric crying that's just me. I'm fine don't worry, just probably having an outer body experience as a result of his gift and his ridiculously handsome face. An angel, I swear. Sigh.
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