Why is everything so heavy?

''I dreamed I was missing, you were so scared, but no one would listen 'cause no one else cared.

After my dreaming, I woke with this fear, what am I leaving, when I'm done here?''

I write too many of these posts lately, and it never gets easier. It never hurts any less. And I can never find proper words. This time though, it seems it hurts twice as much. Maybe because it brings up memories you don't want to talk about, maybe because you can't bare the idea of someone you care about hurting in any kind of way. Maybe because it's hard to understand that someone who made you that much happier was suffering all along. Maybe because someone you used to look up to is just gone. Maybe it's the pain itself. I don't know. I know that it hurts like hell. That much I do know.

I grew up with Linkin park. I could tell you right now where I was and what I was doing almost 14 years ago when I heard them for the first time. I never fit in all through middle school or high school, I never had a lot of friends or any real friends it seems. I had my music and that was my comfort. There's bands I loved for as long as I can remember, bands that grew up with me. Bands I care about as much as I care about my own family. Probably more then most of my family though *if you'd meet them you'd understand* so when the news hits that one of them passed away...it's always hard, it always hurts, it always feels like a tiny part of who I am just died as well.

When the news first hit about Chester Bennington yesterday I just laughed. I was positive that it's just one of those disgusting jokes. You know how actors and musicians ''die'' all the time? Some time back it was Jon Bon Jovi, last month it was Mr. Bean, there's always someone so I thought this is a joke because nothing and I do mean nothing could prepare me for this being real. I tried to ignore it even when reliable sources were posting about it until Mike Shinoda tweeted that it's not a joke and completly crushed my heart. I felt like someone reached into my chest and pulled out my heart. I can't even imagine how the boys are feeling at this point if I feel this much pain.

I waited for a long time *almost 10 years* to see them live and I finally did almost three years ago now. They were on tour with Of mice and men, another one of my favorites, and it's safe to say it was amazing. From the first moment they came on stage with a loud bang to the last. Amazing show, amazing energy, amazing music. Down to the very last detail. I joked then, don't make me wait another 10 years to see you again...little did I know...

Hybrid Theory really opened me up to a whole new world of music, music I never thought I'd like or hell even listened to. They made me see the world a little different and all through my middle school years they made life bearable. They made me feel less alone and less like a god damn freak. And most of all they made me stronger, knowing all the shit Chester went through from being molested by family, to being homeless, to drug addiction and he overcame everything, he was strong through it all. Really someone to look up to. I will be forever thankful for that.

So today I am just really gutted, shocked, heartbroken and in a state of catatonic shock. I can't believe this is real and I will need time to process. Time to heal. A lot of time probably. Skinned knees are easy but broken hearts take time. If they ever do completly heal. I have a request though, don't remember him for the way he died, remember him for the life he lived and for the change he made in all of our lives. Remember his kindness, loving nature, how humble and down to earth he was. Hold on to the strength and comfort their music gave you. That's what he would of wanted...

And to you guys, please, I am begging you, if you know someone who is depressed, someone who is struggling, if you are, please reach out, don't let them or yourself suffer in silence. If you see someone acting differently, help them, if you can't then point them towards someone who can, if you see someone crying in the street, stop, take a second, help them. And if you yourself are not strong enough to do it then please, just make sure they find someone who is capable of helping them. We are all in this mess together, depression is a nasty thing, and it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to need help sometimes and it's okay to ask for it. We have to help eachother. If you need someone to listen, I'll be here, no judgment, just as a friend, don't be afraid to reach out...

And to you my sweet angel. Nobody will ever replace you and I will miss you everyday. I'm so sorry that the world was so ugly to you that you saw no other way out. My heart goes out to the band, the family, the friends and the fans. Stay strong guys.

''When my time comes forget the wrong that I've done, help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty, keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest...''