Some days you need the music, but some days, you need the lyrics.

 

All of these games we play...

I am counting down days to several exciting things. I'm not spilling what they are just yet though, you know me, always superstitious and the last thing I need, is to fuck something up by talking about it before it happens. BUT! I wanted to take a moment to...I don't really know, record this moment in time? A moment in which I'm actually excited about the future? If you know me you know that's rare, and a reason to celebrate it and document it. 

It took me a while, ''a while'', lets face it an eternity is more like it than ''a while''...to come to terms with some things, one of it being, stop stressing over things that are not in your control. Maybe I might be a little bit of a control freak and accepting that I can't change certain things is very hard. But I want to do better, I want to, learn how to let go, if I can't change it, I won't be losing sleep about it. In theory. We all know as soon as I hit post and grab myself a glass (or a bottle) of wine, I'm right back at it, gnawing at my insides about wanting to change everything, me, my life, my surroundings, the world. It is nerve wracking. Maybe people can't really be changed, or helped. 

And I learned that I don't owe people shit, no interaction, not my time, not my love and damn straight no explanations for the things I do, or for the way I live my life. I do things my way, lets face it, I never wanted to be normal, I never wanted to follow some ''path'' or some ''guidelines. That's not me, that's not who I am. I'm weird, strange and unusual and truth to be told, I like it that way. Maybe I'm like a friend once said a ''glitch in the matrix''. I don't owe people no insights into my private life, cutting down screen time and limit to what I post has been the best choice I made in a long while. Privacy should be treasured and not everyone should have the privilege of an insight into it. I don't owe people an explanation of my feelings. This is how it is, this is what and how I feel and I don't feel like elaborating. People don't really care in the first place. 

I've actually realised along the way that most people don't deserve second chances, or your time, or love, or even sparing a second thought for them. All people do is disappoint you, all people do is let you down. And all you should do is leave them at the bottom of the grave they dug you. And my biggest issue with this is that I am tired, tired of the drama, tired of grown ass adults butt hurt over comments on Facebook, tired of hate speech, tired of hate mail, tired of hate hate. We have so many bigger problems than what some asshole called another online. We have so much rage and so much hatred and so little love, and it exhausts me you know. 

I'm tired mostly of humanity I think. Humans are too much. Too exhausting. Too stupid. Too slow. Too tiring. Too...everything. And I just need a break. So...I am done, done apologizing for being me. Yes I am confrontational sometimes, and blunt, and maybe rude at times, and too honest. Yes if you disrespect me or those I love I will destroy you with rethorics and if you hurt them I'll hurt you back twice as hard. I am so sick and tired of molding and changing myself to fit in a society I don't even want to be a part of in the first place. Tired of being silent in order not to insult idiots. So tired of putting everyones feelings before my own, when they have zero compassion for my own. Done. 

So! That is why focusing on the next few months, (baby steps when I say I am excited about the future guys) and all the exciting and good things they are bringing. And focusing mostly on myself, growth, love, passion, art,..and those few people around me I actually care about. If I can't make the world shut up for a moment to let me breathe, the next best thing I can do is create some peace and some happiness in my own world.