New world order.

I wrote and deleted the first line three times now. Something I never do. I suppose it's hard. Starting with a ''bad day'' or a ''bad week'' seems silly. It's not a bad week or a bad month. It's a bad year, it's a bad life. Things have just been going wrong so much lately. I'm sure many of you can relate. I remember each time I write a new years post I write ''please *enter year* treat us better'' or ''please be good'' and despite it all I think 2020 just fucked us most. It may seem crazy or unbelievable but what's really killing me are concerts. My own personal and best therapy and having it taken is just the worst kind of punishment. Yes I get it, things could be worse, and concerts will be back, but y'all read my blog, you know what and how much they mean to me and without that sort of outlet, that happy place, well I'm pretty lost. 

I tried to do something fun this weekend for a change. My annual favourite event ''Night at the museum'' was going on on Saturday. But this year all the fun was taken out of it. It's been one hell of a weather with the pouring rain and weird humidity that makes people with allergies like mine choke but also the masks in the museum, the keeping distance, the depressed tense atmosphere and people glaring. It's rough. Life goes on sure, but if life goes on like this…I'd rather it stopped for a little while longer. 

While most exhibitions are permanent and I know them by heart by now, I still go check them out each year. Some things I enjoy watching all over again, like the big bear or the painted ceiling and the best preserved Roman street on this side of Europe. And there's always some small new surprises to see. Our town has very rich Roman history so each time something is repaired, a hole is dug, the river is searched, new findings pop up. 

This time there was a new exhibition I was looking forward to. About rock music in our country and former Yugoslavia. It's amazing just how many amzing musicians we have, how much good music, but it's just lost in the floods of recent crap we tend to call music. So many bands broke up by now, some died, some still exist but they weren't just musicians, at some point in time they represented hope, rebellion, change,…

It's a brilliantly set exhibition, highlighting musicians that left a statement on the Slovenian music scene, ours and those from countries around us. And the whole lay out of the exhibition is probably the closest to a concert I'll get in a long while, the rooms you walk around follow in a particular order. Like a festival it starts with a little stage where it's musicians country wide, big stage with names that are from all around former Yugoslavia, in between you find a so called ''political stage'', which may be my favourite part, showing and explaining the spirit of rock, the like I called it earlier, rebellion, being different, offering a different outlook on things and offering a way out of the boring and normal. The room layout obviously ends with a ''backstage'', that one is dedicated to our local bands, from our hometown. Might be the most important part. We have so much good music here too.

Obviously what the exhibition shows in the first place are guitars, drums  and other gear, clothes, records, some personal items from the musicians that changed our world in the time period between 1960 and 1991. I am a strong believer that music and especially rock music has the power to change the world and this is a clear back up of that idea, music can break barriers in people's minds, in politics, in cultures in everything really. It's an universal language and a statement like no other. 

It's a funny feeling walking through an exhibition looking at things and pictures of people you actually know. I don't know, should it make me feel old or…? Going through this, remembering how it's set into stages, the barricades, the guitars, the lights…fuck me I miss concerts. I don't get how people live, how do you live never going to concerts? I can't seem to understand it…

The rest is business as usual, the paved Roman street which come to think of it after seeing Pompeii last year is not as fascinating no more and I'd actually need someone to explain to me why is ours different and ''one of a kind'' in it's way. I mean in Pompeii all Roman streets are preserved and you obviously also can walk on them. I think I heard once that it's special because it's a ''highway'' in a way. And it's supposed to be unique because of that, not sure though. Gotta look into that, I suppose it's time to bug museum employees yet again, by now they all know me and by some miracle they're not sick of me yet. 

Business as usual means also going to see my bear again. Can't do without the bear…

As always the night has to end with a drink but believe me even that one feels bitter when your favourite places aren't even open and won't be anytime soon. I guess is the new ''normal'' we have to get used to now. Actually, fuck that, it's not normal, it's crazy, it's madness but I guess this madness is our new reality.  It's a fucked up world as I said so many times before but I think this kinda fucked up I didn't even dream of.

I suppose this is it for today. Another long Monday and I'm ready to fall into bed. It might be true that you don't hate Mondays but your life but so help me Jesus it feels like Mondays never end. Have a good week guys, I hope you find some sort of fun to make things seem less gloomy. I'm actually going to a local concert on Wednesday. Tiny event not even comparable to what I miss so much and I don't even know the band but I'm having such a withdrawal crisis from concerts that I'd probably go see Justin Bieber should he play here. Gonna be ''fun'', muzzled and annoyed but I'm willing to try. 

P.S. All but one picture of me are taken of my butt because I have a problem of being pictured muzzled. Feels and looks dumb...but it's okay because it's been a good hair day...

Start of something good.

I wrote this (link) post on November 17th, 2017, today I can't even remember what it could possibly be that was so bad back then. The past year has been hell to say the least. I know people say you walk into the storm and you walk out on the other end stronger, better, tougher…I guess my question here is, what if you don't walk out at all?

Nobody should live through what I lived through in the past year. Well earlier too but especially this year. I grew to hate commercials on tv, promoting warm weather and picnics with the family, I grew to hate all kinds of holidays with people stressing how this is supposed to be ''family time''. I grew to hate birthdays because they are supposed to be celebrated with your family. I grew to hate people because they are cold and vicious. And I grew to love musicians that much more because so many of them come from the same fucked up background as I do and they understand. And it feels good, being understood.

This post is not going to be dark though, this post is going to be naughty I think, a little bit at least, I'll edit the really juicy parts out so keep your panties on. It's a story many of my past readers, that know me a bit better, not just out of these posts, requested many times.  And I know you want the dirty PG -18 version but that one is private for a reason.

This is about the light in the darkness if you want to be poetic. There's my band boys, those I love pretty much above everything because nothing and I do mean nothing gives me as much comfort as they do. And the few friends that I can still trust and care about because I know they are my actual friends and won't stab me in the back as soon as I turn around, even if they are not all in the same country, hell some not even on the same continent, I still love them and care about them…

But mostly this is about a specific person in my life. About someone I love above all else. Someone who understands me, appreciates me, loves me for who I am, and doesn't give a flying fuck about all of the demons or hardships this love comes with.

Why I said this post is going to be naughty? Because of the way we met. That was…something your mother wouldn't want you to read even if you're over eighteen.  The full uncensored story is on my private blog, only open for a handful of people, I'm not a big fan of sharing private things with the entire world, maybe that's why I get zero hits these days…

There was a concert in Germany, Italy, Austria, hell I don't even remember, I think it was Austria, it was years back, I found myself there with my best friend, arguing, in the middle of a concert venue. The happiest place on earth and we argue. And don't ask me what about, I don't know, it had to be the dumbest thing on the planet. As most arguments usually are.

I know I told her that ''if that's what you think then I'm making this easy on you and leaving'' and I left. To the first bar to drink the sorrows away. As if that ever helped me. Or anyone for that matter.

I felt betrayed and angry and mad and hurt, someone I trusted more than anyone on this planet, with all my darkest secrets and this is how it was repaid. I learned later she was only a friend of mine to use me, for free concert tickets, events, meeting important people,…like I said people, they're all the same, only care about you as long as they have some sort of use for you. Clearly that is my issue, I was never able to treat people the same way they treated me. I was always too kind, too caring, to nice. Maybe that's why life treats me as it does.

I ended up contemplating the very same things in a bar just 20 meters from the concert venue. Small, dark, smoke filled hole but they were opened all night and served whiskey without wanting to see your ID. I was of legal age but didn't have it on me mind you. I probably threw down a few of those Jack on the rocks in seconds before the bar tender asked me if I had a rough night and gave me the next one for free. Alcohol doesn't solve problems but neither does water does it?

What happened next was straight out of a cheap Hollywood movie, like the Fangirl with Meg Ryan? Seen that one? I love it, obviously, since All time low are in it. But we all know how it goes, every fan girls dream, meeting her favourite star in a cafe downtown, bumping into them on the street, behind a concert venue…they meet, fall in love and the rest is history. As if. Did I ever dream of something of the sort happening to me? No, no I didn't. But then again this wasn't a ''star'' like say Nikki Sixx or Bruce Springsteen who I would have fainted in front of. Not even kidding. No he was from one of the bands that I loved but they weren't that well known, smaller support act on the festival.

He walked into that same bar, probably even angrier than I was sitting down behind the bar ordering that same whiskey on the rocks, hissing with anger. I guess that's the first moment I knew we were alike. Solving our issues with booze. Or making life harder with booze is more like it. You know what dragged me to him in the first place? Sure looks, let's be shallow, he's incredibly handsome, everything I love most, bright eyes and blond hair, we all know that's all I need to be dead on the floor. It was this feeling of calmness that washed over me when our eyes met.

Someone once told me a story about meeting his soul mate, he said it wasn't the person that made him nervous which is crazy because up to that point being near anyone that I even remotly liked made me crazy nervous, palm sweating, stomach in knots kinda nervous, but he said, he knew she was it when he met her and he felt calm, like he's at home. And that was what drew me to that same pissed off musician, I felt just that, like everything on the planet lined up and fell into place.

But here's the deal, I dreamt about marrying Jon Bon Jovi all through my teen years (who wouldn't though?) so I knew a musician taking any kind of interest into me was wild. Even if I sat there dressed like a total groupie. Call me crazy but I think that was actually the point. Dress up, show up, get drunk, get laid, quite rudely put. If I remember correctly I wore a skirt so short that when sitting down on a bar stool it didn't leave much to imagination and heels so high they should be illegal. Gods I was what barely twenty and about as dumb as those screaming Justin Bieber fans.

He sat down right next to me, in an entire bar, empty bar, save for one table in the far corner, he sits down next to me, literal shivers went up my spine when our hands accidentally brushed against each other. Our eyes met briefly and I felt like dying. Did I mention he has the most beautiful eyes? I know this is about to go into the direction of a crazy fan girls talk. But I can't help it. You know what's funny though? There he is in a white Kiss t shirt with Gene Simmons front and center, his huge tongue almost over the entire shirt and there I am, with my black Kiss crop top, full of holes because I'm pretty sure I once used it to clean a filter on a Harley. I was hipster before hipster was even a thing.

I think our conversation actually started with him saying that I look like I could use another drink. How about another bottle more like it? And the smile on his face…my god. it's not that it would make the sun look pathetic, it's that it would make the sun burn up and die. I think I replied to him that he looks like he could use another too and he mumbled something along the lines of ''you have no idea'' back. I don't even know how or when but suddenly we were a few more drinks in talking about music, life, art, love, our passions. Talking like we weren't strangers and he wasn't a rather famous rockstar, but just two regular people, friends, that bumped into eachother after a long time and are just here to catch up. I never felt like that with anyone, I don't trust people easily, I don't tell them things about me, but him…he was different, he listened, we could talk.

Nikki, note to self, don't get up in the middle of the conversation saying ''I need to pee'' specially if you're talking to a musician. Oh my god. Sometimes I would really need to learn how to filter myself. Sweet jesus. He thought it was adorable. I didn't. But it made him giggle so it was all worth it. Gosh what an adorable giggle. You know it's funny, we both walked into that bar angry, furious, needing to let off steam. And by the end of our conversation we were both laughing, relaxed, calm, happy.

He told me ''your secret is safe with me, my lady'' and walked to the bathroom with me, afraid I'd probably break my leg in ten different places in those high heels and the ammount of whiskey consumed. I don't remember drinking that much of it, not ever before, and not ever after. Seriously though who the hell wears almost 20 centimeters heels on a rock concert? Oh right, I do. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me.

See that's what it is, as cliche as it gets, he's a gentleman walks with me to the bathroom and of course I did almost trip over my own feet…idiot. All he did was place his arms around my waist and I tell you I was done for. Done. I never felt like this in my entire life. I can't even describe it. It was wild. I tried to give him a snarky remark something along the lines of ''I can walk on my own'' but it got lost in translation. My god. He literally swept me off my feet.  While we walked through a very narrow and very dark hallway to where the bathrooms were I stopped and turned to say something to him but ended up colliding into him instead. All hell broke loose. See the thing is, whiskey just like tequila is Satans drink of choice. I don't know what came over me, lust, insane courage, something else? The fact that his Hugo Boss perfume made my head ever dizzier than Jack Daniels did? I don't even know.

So I took a chance and kissed him. Come on, which fan girl wouldn't do that? You got 50 – 50 % how that will turn out. I apologised said that I don't know what came over me and the next moment we were full on making out against the wall of a filthy bathroom. Most romantic place on the planet aint it. I don't know how it happened but his lips on mine, and hands all over I was done for. It was wild. Attraction, admiration, I don't know what it was. I swore I feel in love on the spot. Well at the time I assumed it was the endless ammounts of alcohol we both consumed. How wrong was I.

I could tell you in detail how our bathroom meeting continiued but in the words of Mamma mia ''we met, we kissed and dot dot dot'' you know. I said I'm editing the naughty bits out and I am. I was rather embarrassed of this for the longest time. Embarrassed of actually behaving like a cheap groupie. But there were moments, words spoken that were much more than just a quick hook up. Just kissing him wasn't like anything ever before. It was different. It was like I was high on some insane drug, it made my head spin and skin tingle. Ever felt that before?

We left the bar together, walked up to his bus to replace my shredded shirt, and he asks me if he can at least find out my name, I realised we talked about just about everything but we never told eachothers names. Well I knew his. And he asks me what are the chances to get my phone number to see me again. At the time I wasn't too keen on that. This could only go two ways, be a booty call whenever he's in town or falling in love with a rockstar that will never feel the same. So I thought anyways. So I tell him to flip a coin ''heads you get my number, tails you don't''. He was lucky, that stupid Italian one euro coin landed on the ground between us face up, Da Vinci's drawing pretty much glaring at me.

Would you believe that now, more than seven years later he still has that coin? With a hole pierced through it, on a chain, calls it his lucky talisman, because it changed his life completely. Probably the sappiest thing that I've ever heard. Straight out of a Hemingway novel. Such things don't happen to people like me, or to anyone really. This is only possible in movies. So I was bold reaching into his jeans pocket, punching my name and number into his phone, sun was already rising and it was about time I returned to my hotel. We said goodbye and I left. It wasn't even five minutes later when my phone rang and he tells me he misses me already. Oh my god.

It was around six in the morning when I walked into the hotel, hair a mess, makeup smeared and bite marks all over my neck and the receptionist couldn't stop giggling when I asked for the room key ''I take it the concert was good'' yeah. Yeah it was.

I couldn't imagine that all this would ever turn into what it is now. A relationship. A messed up, crazy, weird one but it's ours. We're both lovers and best friends and that means something in this crazy fucked up world we live in. I wanted to write this up today because it's a big day for him. He's about as nervous about it as I was when I met him for the first time (which I'm admiting here for the first time). But truth is, I couldn't be more proud of him than I am. He's an amazing musician, as he is an amazing human being, kind, caring, loving, always puts others first, and there isn't a thing he wouldn't do for his family and friends. Though he's human and worried about what comes next, my point here is, there's no reason for fear, sure the music he's releasing came from a bad period in his life, and the lyrics he wrote were born from tough situations but isn't heart break the best for lyrics? People want their hearts broken with songs.

Point is, things fell apart and his life was a complete mess but he didn't take the easy way out. He fought and picked himself up again. And to be honest there aren't many people I admire for it as much. He gives me strength and will to carry on. If he could do it so can I. I can get through this too. And at the end of the day I'm not alone. I have the best support system I could have. Someone that's been through hell and back and came out a stronger, better, kinder person. A hero.

You're not alone, you're with me.

Today's post is a shorter one. A different one. About a man I admired for a long time. Austin Carlile. I remember posting this picture back in the day when my family cared about Christmas and they'd ask me what I wanted…

Quite honestly that's still one of the only things I want.

I was going through an old blog the other day, reading a post about their concert in Austria I've seen. Actually I haven't seen a full set. They were the opening band for Linkin park and honestly now that I think about it I only bought that ticket to see Of mice and men. Yes I am, always was, always will be, a huge fan of Linkin park but for that particular show I only had tickets because of Mice. I'm so thankful now that I did because if I didn't…I'd never see Linkin park live, well or Mice since Austin left the band a while back…

They played Public service announcement, Feels like forever, Bones exposed, Would you still be there, Another you, Identity disorder, The depths and You're not alone. Which are all my favorite songs. But You're not alone is my by far favorite. If Austins voice singing ''you're not alone, you're with me'' doesn't make you feel safe and comforted then nothing will.

This is the only album I ever bought online and on preorder too. The only one. True love right here folks. I remember counting down the days till I got it and then listening to it for the first time and it was….woah, you know…rainbows and unicorns and all that. I smiled and I cried and felt a million emotions at once it was amazing.

When I bought those tickets to see them, I broke down sobbing, and I doubt I ever cried so many happy tears in my life. I love them as a band, as musicians, as a whole, but it's Austin that's really what pulled me to this band. I say I never had a role model, someone to look up to, but he is it. The closest to describing him is my hero, he went through so much in his life, still is and he's still standing strong. A fighter. I only wish I could be ''tough as nails'' like he is.

The concert in Austria….hah happiness aside, I cried so much, first because they were on stage and then because they were real, and they were perfect, and the music, and the lyrics, and Austins bright smile, and then when he said ''this is our last song'' and when that song was ''You're not alone'' it was like a waterfall. I couldn't contain my emotions any longer. I'm not one to idolise someone but him….he really is my hero, and watching him on that stage, where he belongs, with that smile and the crowd reacting to his every move…it was amazing. I miss that, though I'm sure he misses it more.

Restoring force is just what the title says. It helps me restore my force when I need a moment to catch my breath. I turn it up loud and get lost in the voice , the lyrics, the music. It's amazing how much it can help. And it's also amazing how far Austin came, from that scene band Attack Attack to Of mice and men to…whatever it is he's working on now, which btw, I can't wait to hear. ..

This album reminds me a bit of Slipknot, small wonder given that they probably were one of the influences. I love the parts with clean vocals as well, Austin isn't just a post hardcore , heavy, death core singer, his voice is really nice. To me Public service announcement is one of the band's heaviest songs ever recorded and one of the best heaviest songs in general, such a great opener to an amazing album with intense vocals, perfect lyrics and great guitar riffs. It's full of dark emotion and that's exactly what makes it so perfect. Exposing not just the beautiful but also the ugly.

I love the album because it's angry. Confrontational. Enraged. You can hear it in Public service announcement and in You make me sick which is an obvious attack and paints a pretty picture of how I feel about a number of people in my life.

I know that this album didn't get all perfect reviews but I honestly couldn't care less. To me it's absolutely perfect. And not just the music but also the band and how they treat their fans. Austin and his treatment of fans like they're family is the sweetest thing. He is the sweetest thing.

''He told me: ''If you want to cut yourself, then you're going to take my arm, look me in the eyes, and cut as many times as you would yourself.'' I told him: ''No, I could never hurt you like that.'' And then I just understood. Everything. It all made sense.''

I'm writing this down today because I've been following Austins recent fight with his disease on IG and he just reminded me how strong he is. How amazing he is. How he can pick himself up after every single thing life throws at him and I sure hope he keeps doing that. Because if there's anyone I wish nothing but happiness to, then it's him.

I love you Austin, stay strong, you got this.

You got this.

You know sometimes life gets really tough, and sometimes it seems like the sun will never shine again. And those days we all need a little reminder, something to get us through the day. I'm sharing some of mine here today because tough days seem to come more often then good ones lately and I myself need to be reminded of certain things sometimes.

You are worthy.

You are important.

You will make it through.

You are capable of great things.

You don’t deserve the harsh words you tell yourself.

You are more than enough.

It’s okay to be sad and not know why.

You don’t have to be positive all the time.

You’re allowed to get upset over things, and express yourself over things that hurt you.

It’s okay if you relapse into a previous state, this does not diminish your progress.

It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to play tough all the time.

You don’t have to push yourself too hard all the time. It’s okay to rest, you know your own limits.

Just because you aren’t where you want to be right now, doesn’t mean you won’t get there. You may even find a better destination along the way.

You are going to be okay. It may hurt right now, and it may be a struggle, and nothing feels like it matters, but it's going to be alright, you got this girl.

You’re going to get through this, and you will rise from this stronger, wiser, and better because of it. It may feel like hell right now, it may feel like your entire world is falling apart but you will get through this and you'll be better then ever, you'll live, love, laugh.

All things must pass and so will the dark shadow fallen upon you, you'll see the light again and you'll feel the sun again, you'll see life, you'll see hope, you'll feel free again.

And when things go wrong, take a deep breath. Regroup. You got this.

The sound of silence.

''She's sundress cotton, he's grease on a Carhartt shirt, she's a candle in the wind, he's a light it up and let it burn and everytime she's with him, all she wants to do is kiss him, starts thinking maybe she can fix him, he's thinking he's love to let her try.''

What do you do when you don't know what to do? When you're completly lost looking for someone or something to tell you where to go, what to do...do you look for a sign or something? Do you turn to people you trust? Do you gaze at the stars wondering about life out there? Wondering about your life, where you might end up, wondering what the future holds for you...and if you do...what do you imagine? What are your desires? What do you see? But these are the wrong questions aren't they? I think the question I should be asking is something along the lines of,...you got a dream, you got a goal, a wish, now are you brave enough to go after it? I like to think of myself as bold and brave and determined but sometimes I'm just not...there are things that people would probably find silly, simple things, little things, that absolutely terrify me. Though to be honest there is no space for fear in my life. No space to doubt, no space for self loath. It's crazy isn't it? Years and years of edjucation and nobody teaches us to love ourselves. Maybe because that is a lesson we should learn on our own? Though a little push wouldn't hurt. Just as little advice wouldn't either. I admit, sometimes I loose my way too, sometimes I doubt, sometimes I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want. In moments like those when I feel like anxiety is going to get the better of me I try to get it through to myself that I need to calm down. We all need to calm down. Our dreams are not outta reach if we are willing to work hard for them. May it be traveling, may it be art, poetry, photography, music, as long as you're ready to fight and never give up you already did half the battle...and isn't then when life is really worth living? When you reach your goals, your dreams become your reality, when you prove all those who doubted you wrong? Those are the moments to live for...And in the mean time you gotta learn how to enjoy in the little things in life. Like when people who care about you ask you how you're doing, or ask you about something you told them a while back, showing you they listen to you...or falling into your bed with fresh sheets after a long hard day...or petting a random dog, just think of it this way, the dog tugged on it's leash just to come say hello to you...or watching the sunrise, a new day, a new begining, nothing better then that...or putting on your favorite artists new album for the first time, and every other time...or that moment when it's pouring rain and you have nowhere to be so you can roll over and stay in bed or lie on the sofa with a good book...or maybe that moment when you do something, like try a new recipe, change a lightbulb, change the oil on your car, nothing major but a small victory that I know will make you feel good about yourself...I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we need to learn how to live more, laugh more and above all how to love more and where else to start if not by loving ourselves?

In other news, here's a drawing I finished this week, in between stressing myself out over exams for no reason because guess what? I passed them both *fuck yes* and seeing a movie premiere, the Bridget Jones's baby, which by the way was actually really good, so funny too...and two pictures I took...my photography creativity is so dead lately...*sigh* but enjoy these anyways...

And more importantly before I wish you a pleasant weekend and a good night...today is the Boss's birthday...the only real love of my life. Hah, Bruce I love you, thank you for everything you do, thank you for sharing your amazing music with the world and thank your for all the inspiration you give us. I know life is hard on you sometimes but you're a fucking fighter and I have nothing but mad respect for you. Thank you. Happy birthday.

Good night guys, stay safe out there.

''She's a good girl, sky blue, turquoise, fallin' for a bad boy, drivin' that Detroit, big block cruising up the blacktop, turning up a corn row, scare crow, farmhouse, gravel road, comin' for a good girl counting down the sunset, never been broke heart racing like a corvette, got a little wild fire burning in her angel eyes, probably ain't never been lost after midnight. Tryin' to be a good girl, but fallin' for a bad boy...''

What the future holds.

I was just sitting on my bed, watching a romantic movie, everything was so sweet, so perfect, so happy...and it made me so miserable. I know movies are movies but why can't life be like that sometimes? Happy. Nothing but sunshine. Rainbows, glitter and cupcakes. Why can't there be more love? All people really do is hate. Why can't there be more understanding? More acceptance, more peace? I'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic yes. I'm aware I wish for things that may be impossible...but wouldn't it be nice though? Just imagine, a world without hate, religion, powerty, hunger, sickness, war, money even. Everyone has everything, everyone is happy, everyone is loved...isn't that the world you want to live in? I know I do. I want people around me who love me for me, people who actually care, people who do things because they want to not becasue they have some sort of use from it. People that are nice and caring and selfless and just real. Not people that will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around. I said 2016 will be better, but here we are more then a half of it over and it's just as fucked as all the rest were. Maybe less then 2008 and 2013 but still. It sucks. And because of that I know 2017 has to be better. HAS to be. Or I might loose the last bits of sanity I may or may not have. Hey! I said may or may not. Hah.

Here's the deal I want more self esteem, I wish to be braver and bolder. I know I'm smart enough and hard working enough for whatever I set my mind to but I'm just not brave enough. I think I'm so scared of failing it's keeping me back from trying in the first place. That has to change. I need to start taking chances and actually living. What's life if you're only playing it safe? I want more motivation. There's so much that I want to do and so little motivation to do it. Everything seems so far away, out of my reach and impossible, like reaching for the stars. It isn't. It just feels that way. I want more excitment for my future. And this is a hard one. It's hard getting excited when life is so unsure. Times are tough, things are fucked up, what is there to be excited about? I don't know, but I plan on figuring out. I plan on finding stuff that will make me excited. I want more hopes and dreams. Life may be tough but what is living without dreams? Nothing is out of reach if you are willing to fight for it. I want this tattooed on my god damn forehead to make it sink in. The only limitations there are are the ones we put on ourselves. I need to stop doing that. I need to believe in myself more. If I don't who the fuck will? I want more emotional stability. Things throw me out of balance so easy. I may not show it but I get hurt real easy. And upset, and stressed and it sucks. Sometimes I feel like it's eating me alive and I'm not so sure how much more I can take. In 2017 I don't want one single sad tear, only happy ones. Optimistic I know but nothing is impossible. I want more courage, more hugs, more love. Why don't we tell our loved ones that we love them more often? We can wake up someday and it's too late and we're left with all these regrets...why can't we learn to love better? I want more random acts of kindness...the waitress was really nice? Tip her. The waitress has a bad day but is trying? Tip her. Help someone who needs help. Donate to a charity, pet a dog or a cat. Be more human for fuck sake. I want more concert tickets. Music makes me happy, music makes sense, it makes everything better and it makes life worth living. I want more of that. I want more happiness in my life. I want more traveling. Traveling is learning and growing. It's like writing a new chapter in your book. I have too many empty pages. I want to fill them up. I want new cities, countries, cultures. I want to learn and grow...I want more social skills, I suck at those, comunicating with people? Not my strong side. I wish I was better at it I really do and on the other hand I wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone. Too much stupidity and I honestly can't handle it. I feel like it's dragging me down to their level and that is not a place I want to be at. I want to be healthier, prettier, smarter and bottom line happier. All that what I just listed means shit if you're not happy. I don't want irrational things, all the things I want are simple they just seem impossible to reach from where I stand right now. But life changes, people change, things change that's at least one thing that is certain in life. It won't always be bad, the wheel will always spin back and things will get better. It's only up to us to be strong and fight through whatever shit storm we're thrown into. Guys, remember be your own fucking superheroes, make your own god damn reality, you can do whatever the fuck you want to, you just got to believe in yourselves. Don't let anyone or anything stop you, people are that way, they want to see you fail. So don't let them. Fight for it and do whatever the hell you want to because honestly life is too short to waste it on the wrong people, the wrong job, the wrong life.

Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better.

I know this might sound insane. But. Have you ever wondered why life is the way it is? Have you ever thought that every time you're happy something goes wrong? Like a light switch out there somewhere going ''oh Nikki's happy let's better fuck that up for her''. Sometimes I just can't even comprehend how everything and I do mean EVERYTHING always has to go wrong for me. Even if it's just a small thing or something unimportant it will go wrong. Because it can. Just so it can throw me off balance. And I hate it. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do and it does. Thing is. I sometimes wonder what's the point of planning things, or looking forward to those things if NOTHING goes the way it should. The Murphy's law is fucking with me on a daily basis. I could be walking pass a store eyeing a pair of shoes for an entire year then decide to buy them someday and just like that over night they'd be sold out. That happened before. Not just with shoes though. I swear like some people seem to be whacked with the lucky stick I'm whacked with the unlucky one. And my parents would say I'm still young things can change. Or to cheer up because the wheel always spins back and you can't always have bad luck. And I get it you know. I SO get it. Things could be a million times worse, despite everything I am still lucky. But all that, all the struggles other people go through don't make mine any easier. Doesn't really change the fact that sometimes I am so done. Sometimes I just can't do it no more. Sometimes I want to scream if it would do any good in letting off some steam and frustration.

I figured though I can't be the only one bothered by these things so I decided to share some thoughts as to what helps me with these issues. I read this book ''The Secret'' by Rhonda Byrne. And it's not about how you'll get everything you want just by thinking about it. Obviously your bank account will not miraculously multiply with a few zero's and a Ferrari won't appear on your doorstep over night...what this book is really about is that your ideas, feelings, thoughts are reflected through your behaviour and actions. It all starts with positive thinking. Every journey starts there, be positive, motivated, optimistic. When you have those, you get off your ass and fight for it, things don't just fall out of the sky and whining sure as hell doesn't help either. Just like the whole mindset. If you always think about how everything does and will go wrong it surely will. You can't go about doing something if you are certain that you're just going to fail in the end. I bet that lowers your chances at succeeding in the first place. You shouldn't be focusing on the bad. You should focus on the good. It might be little things but little miracles are still all around you. I think people are out to get you, make negative comments about you or your life because you let them. If that's all you talk about, if that's the vibe you give them, the impression that you pity yourself, if you don't give yourself a good enough place or think that you are good enough of worthy of good things...then why would others do it?

You know what you got to do? Find something that inspires you, art, music, poetry, a song, a painting, and focus on that. A saying maybe. Might be as silly as ''get shit done'' stick it on your wall and remind yourself daily that there is always something to be thankful for. There's always your life. No matter how bad things get you should always be thankful for being alive and being healthy because someone out there right now is fighting for their life. I always thought about happiness in a different way. If someone's happy that doesn't mean his life is stress free, that they don't have any problems. I think that just means that they know how to handle it, how to deal with everything. People spend too much time dwelling over things they don't have, things they lost, things they want or think they need instead of focusing on what they have. Happiness can be found in such small things. For me happiness is a summer night, with a drink in my hand, not a care in the world, maybe some live music or a car parked on top of the hill watching the stars. Or a brand new box of my favorite pencils. Or a record I've spent a long damn time looking for. Happiness doesn't need grand gestures. It can be little things.

Here's the thing, sometimes things end in life. Like friendships or relationships because it's time to move on. And maybe you wouldn't even know it is unless you were forced into it. It doesn't mean change is bad. Everything changes. People change, relationships change, life changes. Those you trust not to hurt you can hurt you most because they're the only people you'd never expect it from but remember pain always has a purpose, either to make you feel alive or to make you grow into a newer better version of yourself. We're not supposed to dwell on those who hurt us, we're supposed to move on and learn. Every painful process is a learning experience. Struggle doesn't mean fail. Remember that. No guts no glory they say and it's true. If you want to success you have to be willing to work hard and struggle to get there. It's never smooth sailing. It's your positive view on the matter that can get you somewhere, great things take time, even Rome wasn't built overnight. Thing is at the end of the day everything is temporary, summer, winter, raining, school, work, life and so is pain. Yes you get hurt, sometimes you're the one that hurts people but every wound heals in time and so do people. After dark there's always light. After each night there's always a new sunrise. No nights last forever neither does the rain. If life is bad right now it doesn't mean it won't get better. And if it's good, don't take it for granted because it can always go south. Complaining, worrying, stressing out isn't helping. That is a lecture I should tattoo on myself. I know it. I try to live by it. It's not always working. I know whining about something isn't going to make a difference. Only me getting off my ass and doing it myself will. I still rather try, fail and get up again then sit in a corner shrugging thinking ''what the fuck can I do about it?''. Well if I never tried I would of never knew. Yeah things get fucking hard and frustrating but at least I tried. I won't be fifty thinking about what would happen if only I was brave enough to try. Believing in yourself is the most important thing you can do. Because if you don't who will. If you doubt yourself why should others treat you differently? Here's a daily excersize, instead of complaining about the problems you have, try being grateful for the problems you don't have. This kinda reminds me of scars. I have a pretty gnarly one on my back and I didn't even want to wear bikinis because of it, I always thought it was ugly and people will stare at it. Till I realized something or better yet something came through into my thick skull. A scar just means I survived something, I dealt with something, survived the pain, learned a new lesson, became stronger, and moved the fuck on. A scar is like a tattoo, permanent reminder of something. Might be a life changing event, might be a stupid desition but it's something you should be proud of they aren't weakness they are your strenght. Just as you should never allow people bringing you down. Other people's negativity isn't your problem. If people treat you bad, dump them. You deserve so much better. When friends treat you like shit, use you, ignore you, dump them. It's not you. It's them. You deserve better. When people are nasty towards you smile, be you, kill them with kindness don't let their bitterness drag you down or get the best of you. Don't you dare changing to fit someone else, to please someone else, or to impress someone else. If they don't like you for you, if they don't think you're good enough...walk away. You don't need that in your life. You don't need relationships that want to change you or defy you. You are one of a kind and special just the way you are don't try to mold yourself to fit someone elses idea of ''perfect''. Right people for you will come along. People that will love you for you, for who you are not for who you aren't. Don't be scared of being who you are, standing behind what you believe in, fighting for what you think is right. You might stand alone but still there is strength in fighting. You're brave because you resist, and to be honest you only live once do you want to live in shadows always surrendering to other people's wishes? I know I don't. That's not who I am. I do what makes me happy, I surround myself with things and people I love, and I couldn't care less what other people think about it. The door is always open nobody is forcing them to stay in my life. I learned a while back that the best thing I can do for myself is to keep going, try again after I fail, to love again, to get back up again and to never let go of my dreams. I learned that because people treated me badly doesn't mean I'm a bad person it just means I chose the wrong people to surround myself with. We learn from mistakes, that's why mistakes are healthy but we shouldn't let those mistakes define us or dictate our entire lives. It's a bad day, hell a bad week or month but it's not a bad life. If you feel like you're stuck in one place, a rut, a crossroad, you aren't, you hold the key, you hold the power, if you want to change you can. All you got to do is get off your ass and make a change for yourself. Sometimes when things go really bad I just think about something an artist once told me ''it's gotta be ugly before it can be beautiful'' and that's just how it is maybe sometimes things have to go horribly wrong and bring you somewhere you'd never expected to be so it can be better, great or even amazing at the end. So life is hard, rough, tough but you are fucking tougher, just look into the past, how far you've come. You are strong as nails and I'm proud of you. If you're fighting your demons or if you're not, it takes courage to do both and the fact that you're still here, still fighting them should mean something. Don't take it lightly. Guys stop driving yourselves crazy over things you can't change. Don't stress so much, take a deep breath instead. Find the courage to be who you really are, to speak out, to be you. Smile more. Love more, hate less. Work hard and when everything falls apart don't wallow in the ruins, get up and try again. Always keep going. And when things go wrong, smile and say ''it'll be better next time'' and it will be. If you stay positive the world seems better and brighter.

Here's my weekly wisdom or better yet here's me pretending to know shit. I won't be around on monday so I smacked you with a long ass post today. I better get off my ass as well, gotta pack some stuff for Italy. I'm so excited! Thinking about a packed suitcase probably won't make it packed unless I do it. Hah. Y'all take care now. Stay safe, I'll see you next week. Cheers!

Say I got trouble, trouble in my eyes. I'm just looking for another good time.

I carry my crucifix under my deathlist. Forward my mail to me in hell. Liars and the martyrs. Lost faith in the Father. Long lost is the wishing well. Wild side. Fallen Angels. So fast to kill. Thy kingdom come on the wild side. Our father who ain't in heaven. Be thy name on the wild side. Holy Mary. Mother may I. Pray for us on the wild side.

There's a lot of thoughts in my head right now. Some worth sharing and some...well let's just say it's a good thing none of y'all can read minds. Hah. I want to talk about inspiration for a bit. What inspires you? Is it art? Poetry? Music? Paintings? Photography? People? Love? Laughter? There's so many things that inspire me. Sometimes I'd sit in front of a blank piece of paper not knowing what to do with myself and sometimes I couldn't stop my hands from drawing like crazy or clicking that camera button. I never believed in huge fancy digital cameras by the way. Sure it's nice to have it, sure the photo quality is beyond amazing but it doesn't matter, DSLR, pocket camera or even a cellphone, what matters is that you capture the moment because once it's gone, it's gone forever. I find inspiration in blogs, tumblr, pintrest, people across the world are so talented, they do such creative, crazy amazing things I find myself going through them for hours. I find inspiration in good books. Those books that just suck you in and you can't put them down till you've come to the end of it, because it's so good, that you're so lost in it and it feels almost as if the world around you has melted away. I get inspired by risk, people who are brave to jump in not knowing how things will end but they don't care, they want something bad enough and they just go for it. Courage inspires me. I get inspired by my favorite photographers, they can capture a moment so perfectly that I just stop and stare at a picture for a really long time, studying the light, the shadows, every little detail, every part of it, it's all put together so perfectly. I get inspired by dogs. They are always happy, positive, willing to trust people. Dogs understand life and see beauty and happiness in the smallest things. I find inspiration in traveling, discovering a new city, culture, people, food, vibes, it's amazing. I find inspiration in love, the stronger the better. Nothing is more inspiring then a couple that's been through a storm but they still keep on going because on the end of the day love is stronger then anything. I get inspired by Claude Monet every stroke of his brush, every color, every picture that he painted, they are absolutely beautiful. I get inspired by Salvador Dali, his eccentricity, his general behavior like he doesn't give a flying fuck about what other people think of him and his art, everything that seems to be a random mess of things yet so carefully put together to paint a completly different picture if only you look at it from the right angle. I am inspired by The Bang Bang Club and their work it's nothing short of amazing. I'm inspired by movies, tv shows, special effects done in those movies, when things that aren't real, come to life and seem completly realistic. I'm inspired by amazing makeup artists, that turn people into Orcs, zombies, dragons, vampires, warewolves...I'm inspired by life itself, human body is so amazing, every single cell has it's function and ability to repair itself, grow, function. I'm inspired by the ocean, how over 90% of it remains undiscovered. *Yet people still tell me god is real and mermaids aren't? Fuck this shit.* I'm inspired by space. Think about it, we live on a rock, circling around a huge fire ball and we have no clue what is beyond our own galaxy, if there are others, if we're alone or not. It's pretty damn amazing. I'm inspired by NASA, the work they do, the discoveries they make. If I was smarter, or just better at math, physics, chemistry, I'd want to work there someday. I get inspired by a smile, of people I like, the little light in their eyes when they smile, it's amazing. I get inspired by someone who battles a sickness, depression, abuse, whatever else, and they want to give up but keep going instead. I get inspired by motorcycles. Funny I know but I do, nothing like the sound of a Harley, the gliding on the street, when it and the road are one, nothing like the wind on your face and the freedom you feel.

And biggest most important inspiration. Music. Nothing makes me as happy, calm, collected, free, inspired, loved, strong as my music does. Nothing taught me as much as music did. Nothing makes me happier then bands do. Nothing beats the excitment of a new record, of a concert, the rush you feel when you're in the same room with them screaming the lyrics on the top of your lungs with thousands of people that are just the same, that feel the same...that moment in the song when the singer stops singing and lets the crowd do it instead and the smile on their face when the crowd is so loud to drown out the music itself. I learned that the more I know about people the more people I meet the less I like them. I prefer sitting in my room, listening to a good record then go out and be around...humans. They're horrible I swear. They judge, act superior, force their opinions down on you, tell you what you should do, what you should wear, who you should be. It's madness, what I do, who I love, who I hate, what I like, what I am is my own business not anyone elses. Just because you're ''invited'' in my life doesn't give you the right to judge, slander, change the way I live. If you don't like it there's always the door, you're free to walk out. But don't you dare telling me what I like, love, hate, feel, is wrong because we are nothing alike and thank god because I don't want to be like any of you. I am me, not perfect, but I am happy with the person I am. All the flaws combined. I'm hot headed and temparamental and sometimes my mouth runs faster then my brain but that is not an indication of who I am as a person. Not an indication of my character and certainly not my personality. Keep in mind my attitude is based off how you treat me not off of who I am. But god I'm off topic now. Music. I was talking about music. Turns out I've been having a harder time coping with one of my favorite bands breaking up then I thought. I can hear my mothers voice in my head right now saying ''stop with the drama, they are not dead'' well yes THEY are not dead but the band is dead and that's just as bad. It's no secret that Dr. Feelgood is one of my favorite records of all times. A record you put in and just listen from start to finish, every chord, note, voice on it is just perfect. And I love it way too much. It's probably unhealthy how much. Hah. I've heard all the songs on it about a million times but if I need something to make me feel better well that record is the anwser ''She goes down'' always makes me chuckle as well as ''Rattlesnake shake'' which for some bizarre reason makes me think of Axl Rose and his serpentine dance. Point is it's been less then 4 days and I'm a sobbing mess thinking of them. I miss them. I miss that I won't ever see them again...All good things come to an end I suppose. I do wish them all the happiness in the world, lord knows there's nobody who I'd want to be happier then them. If nothing else we always have the music and I'm super excited about the guys solo projects. Specially the new Sixx:AM I know it's gonna be badass. In the mean time words of advice only real Crue heads will understand ''be the knife''. Seriously fuck everyone who upsets you, brings you down, says you can't do something. Fuck all of them. They don't matter. If you set your mind to something and you want it bad enough. It'll happen. You just got to be willing to work and fight for it. So in the words of a very smart man ''be the fucking knife''. My hero. My biggest inspiration.

R.I.P. Motley Crue 1981 - 2015