The sound of silence.

''She's sundress cotton, he's grease on a Carhartt shirt, she's a candle in the wind, he's a light it up and let it burn and everytime she's with him, all she wants to do is kiss him, starts thinking maybe she can fix him, he's thinking he's love to let her try.''

What do you do when you don't know what to do? When you're completly lost looking for someone or something to tell you where to go, what to do...do you look for a sign or something? Do you turn to people you trust? Do you gaze at the stars wondering about life out there? Wondering about your life, where you might end up, wondering what the future holds for you...and if you do...what do you imagine? What are your desires? What do you see? But these are the wrong questions aren't they? I think the question I should be asking is something along the lines of,...you got a dream, you got a goal, a wish, now are you brave enough to go after it? I like to think of myself as bold and brave and determined but sometimes I'm just not...there are things that people would probably find silly, simple things, little things, that absolutely terrify me. Though to be honest there is no space for fear in my life. No space to doubt, no space for self loath. It's crazy isn't it? Years and years of edjucation and nobody teaches us to love ourselves. Maybe because that is a lesson we should learn on our own? Though a little push wouldn't hurt. Just as little advice wouldn't either. I admit, sometimes I loose my way too, sometimes I doubt, sometimes I don't know what to do and I don't know what I want. In moments like those when I feel like anxiety is going to get the better of me I try to get it through to myself that I need to calm down. We all need to calm down. Our dreams are not outta reach if we are willing to work hard for them. May it be traveling, may it be art, poetry, photography, music, as long as you're ready to fight and never give up you already did half the battle...and isn't then when life is really worth living? When you reach your goals, your dreams become your reality, when you prove all those who doubted you wrong? Those are the moments to live for...And in the mean time you gotta learn how to enjoy in the little things in life. Like when people who care about you ask you how you're doing, or ask you about something you told them a while back, showing you they listen to you...or falling into your bed with fresh sheets after a long hard day...or petting a random dog, just think of it this way, the dog tugged on it's leash just to come say hello to you...or watching the sunrise, a new day, a new begining, nothing better then that...or putting on your favorite artists new album for the first time, and every other time...or that moment when it's pouring rain and you have nowhere to be so you can roll over and stay in bed or lie on the sofa with a good book...or maybe that moment when you do something, like try a new recipe, change a lightbulb, change the oil on your car, nothing major but a small victory that I know will make you feel good about yourself...I suppose what I'm trying to say is that we need to learn how to live more, laugh more and above all how to love more and where else to start if not by loving ourselves?

In other news, here's a drawing I finished this week, in between stressing myself out over exams for no reason because guess what? I passed them both *fuck yes* and seeing a movie premiere, the Bridget Jones's baby, which by the way was actually really good, so funny too...and two pictures I took...my photography creativity is so dead lately...*sigh* but enjoy these anyways...

And more importantly before I wish you a pleasant weekend and a good night...today is the Boss's birthday...the only real love of my life. Hah, Bruce I love you, thank you for everything you do, thank you for sharing your amazing music with the world and thank your for all the inspiration you give us. I know life is hard on you sometimes but you're a fucking fighter and I have nothing but mad respect for you. Thank you. Happy birthday.

Good night guys, stay safe out there.

''She's a good girl, sky blue, turquoise, fallin' for a bad boy, drivin' that Detroit, big block cruising up the blacktop, turning up a corn row, scare crow, farmhouse, gravel road, comin' for a good girl counting down the sunset, never been broke heart racing like a corvette, got a little wild fire burning in her angel eyes, probably ain't never been lost after midnight. Tryin' to be a good girl, but fallin' for a bad boy...''

What the future holds.

I was just sitting on my bed, watching a romantic movie, everything was so sweet, so perfect, so happy...and it made me so miserable. I know movies are movies but why can't life be like that sometimes? Happy. Nothing but sunshine. Rainbows, glitter and cupcakes. Why can't there be more love? All people really do is hate. Why can't there be more understanding? More acceptance, more peace? I'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic yes. I'm aware I wish for things that may be impossible...but wouldn't it be nice though? Just imagine, a world without hate, religion, powerty, hunger, sickness, war, money even. Everyone has everything, everyone is happy, everyone is loved...isn't that the world you want to live in? I know I do. I want people around me who love me for me, people who actually care, people who do things because they want to not becasue they have some sort of use from it. People that are nice and caring and selfless and just real. Not people that will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around. I said 2016 will be better, but here we are more then a half of it over and it's just as fucked as all the rest were. Maybe less then 2008 and 2013 but still. It sucks. And because of that I know 2017 has to be better. HAS to be. Or I might loose the last bits of sanity I may or may not have. Hey! I said may or may not. Hah.

Here's the deal I want more self esteem, I wish to be braver and bolder. I know I'm smart enough and hard working enough for whatever I set my mind to but I'm just not brave enough. I think I'm so scared of failing it's keeping me back from trying in the first place. That has to change. I need to start taking chances and actually living. What's life if you're only playing it safe? I want more motivation. There's so much that I want to do and so little motivation to do it. Everything seems so far away, out of my reach and impossible, like reaching for the stars. It isn't. It just feels that way. I want more excitment for my future. And this is a hard one. It's hard getting excited when life is so unsure. Times are tough, things are fucked up, what is there to be excited about? I don't know, but I plan on figuring out. I plan on finding stuff that will make me excited. I want more hopes and dreams. Life may be tough but what is living without dreams? Nothing is out of reach if you are willing to fight for it. I want this tattooed on my god damn forehead to make it sink in. The only limitations there are are the ones we put on ourselves. I need to stop doing that. I need to believe in myself more. If I don't who the fuck will? I want more emotional stability. Things throw me out of balance so easy. I may not show it but I get hurt real easy. And upset, and stressed and it sucks. Sometimes I feel like it's eating me alive and I'm not so sure how much more I can take. In 2017 I don't want one single sad tear, only happy ones. Optimistic I know but nothing is impossible. I want more courage, more hugs, more love. Why don't we tell our loved ones that we love them more often? We can wake up someday and it's too late and we're left with all these regrets...why can't we learn to love better? I want more random acts of kindness...the waitress was really nice? Tip her. The waitress has a bad day but is trying? Tip her. Help someone who needs help. Donate to a charity, pet a dog or a cat. Be more human for fuck sake. I want more concert tickets. Music makes me happy, music makes sense, it makes everything better and it makes life worth living. I want more of that. I want more happiness in my life. I want more traveling. Traveling is learning and growing. It's like writing a new chapter in your book. I have too many empty pages. I want to fill them up. I want new cities, countries, cultures. I want to learn and grow...I want more social skills, I suck at those, comunicating with people? Not my strong side. I wish I was better at it I really do and on the other hand I wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone. Too much stupidity and I honestly can't handle it. I feel like it's dragging me down to their level and that is not a place I want to be at. I want to be healthier, prettier, smarter and bottom line happier. All that what I just listed means shit if you're not happy. I don't want irrational things, all the things I want are simple they just seem impossible to reach from where I stand right now. But life changes, people change, things change that's at least one thing that is certain in life. It won't always be bad, the wheel will always spin back and things will get better. It's only up to us to be strong and fight through whatever shit storm we're thrown into. Guys, remember be your own fucking superheroes, make your own god damn reality, you can do whatever the fuck you want to, you just got to believe in yourselves. Don't let anyone or anything stop you, people are that way, they want to see you fail. So don't let them. Fight for it and do whatever the hell you want to because honestly life is too short to waste it on the wrong people, the wrong job, the wrong life.

Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can't be happy because others have it better.

I know this might sound insane. But. Have you ever wondered why life is the way it is? Have you ever thought that every time you're happy something goes wrong? Like a light switch out there somewhere going ''oh Nikki's happy let's better fuck that up for her''. Sometimes I just can't even comprehend how everything and I do mean EVERYTHING always has to go wrong for me. Even if it's just a small thing or something unimportant it will go wrong. Because it can. Just so it can throw me off balance. And I hate it. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but I do and it does. Thing is. I sometimes wonder what's the point of planning things, or looking forward to those things if NOTHING goes the way it should. The Murphy's law is fucking with me on a daily basis. I could be walking pass a store eyeing a pair of shoes for an entire year then decide to buy them someday and just like that over night they'd be sold out. That happened before. Not just with shoes though. I swear like some people seem to be whacked with the lucky stick I'm whacked with the unlucky one. And my parents would say I'm still young things can change. Or to cheer up because the wheel always spins back and you can't always have bad luck. And I get it you know. I SO get it. Things could be a million times worse, despite everything I am still lucky. But all that, all the struggles other people go through don't make mine any easier. Doesn't really change the fact that sometimes I am so done. Sometimes I just can't do it no more. Sometimes I want to scream if it would do any good in letting off some steam and frustration.

I figured though I can't be the only one bothered by these things so I decided to share some thoughts as to what helps me with these issues. I read this book ''The Secret'' by Rhonda Byrne. And it's not about how you'll get everything you want just by thinking about it. Obviously your bank account will not miraculously multiply with a few zero's and a Ferrari won't appear on your doorstep over night...what this book is really about is that your ideas, feelings, thoughts are reflected through your behaviour and actions. It all starts with positive thinking. Every journey starts there, be positive, motivated, optimistic. When you have those, you get off your ass and fight for it, things don't just fall out of the sky and whining sure as hell doesn't help either. Just like the whole mindset. If you always think about how everything does and will go wrong it surely will. You can't go about doing something if you are certain that you're just going to fail in the end. I bet that lowers your chances at succeeding in the first place. You shouldn't be focusing on the bad. You should focus on the good. It might be little things but little miracles are still all around you. I think people are out to get you, make negative comments about you or your life because you let them. If that's all you talk about, if that's the vibe you give them, the impression that you pity yourself, if you don't give yourself a good enough place or think that you are good enough of worthy of good things...then why would others do it?

You know what you got to do? Find something that inspires you, art, music, poetry, a song, a painting, and focus on that. A saying maybe. Might be as silly as ''get shit done'' stick it on your wall and remind yourself daily that there is always something to be thankful for. There's always your life. No matter how bad things get you should always be thankful for being alive and being healthy because someone out there right now is fighting for their life. I always thought about happiness in a different way. If someone's happy that doesn't mean his life is stress free, that they don't have any problems. I think that just means that they know how to handle it, how to deal with everything. People spend too much time dwelling over things they don't have, things they lost, things they want or think they need instead of focusing on what they have. Happiness can be found in such small things. For me happiness is a summer night, with a drink in my hand, not a care in the world, maybe some live music or a car parked on top of the hill watching the stars. Or a brand new box of my favorite pencils. Or a record I've spent a long damn time looking for. Happiness doesn't need grand gestures. It can be little things.

Here's the thing, sometimes things end in life. Like friendships or relationships because it's time to move on. And maybe you wouldn't even know it is unless you were forced into it. It doesn't mean change is bad. Everything changes. People change, relationships change, life changes. Those you trust not to hurt you can hurt you most because they're the only people you'd never expect it from but remember pain always has a purpose, either to make you feel alive or to make you grow into a newer better version of yourself. We're not supposed to dwell on those who hurt us, we're supposed to move on and learn. Every painful process is a learning experience. Struggle doesn't mean fail. Remember that. No guts no glory they say and it's true. If you want to success you have to be willing to work hard and struggle to get there. It's never smooth sailing. It's your positive view on the matter that can get you somewhere, great things take time, even Rome wasn't built overnight. Thing is at the end of the day everything is temporary, summer, winter, raining, school, work, life and so is pain. Yes you get hurt, sometimes you're the one that hurts people but every wound heals in time and so do people. After dark there's always light. After each night there's always a new sunrise. No nights last forever neither does the rain. If life is bad right now it doesn't mean it won't get better. And if it's good, don't take it for granted because it can always go south. Complaining, worrying, stressing out isn't helping. That is a lecture I should tattoo on myself. I know it. I try to live by it. It's not always working. I know whining about something isn't going to make a difference. Only me getting off my ass and doing it myself will. I still rather try, fail and get up again then sit in a corner shrugging thinking ''what the fuck can I do about it?''. Well if I never tried I would of never knew. Yeah things get fucking hard and frustrating but at least I tried. I won't be fifty thinking about what would happen if only I was brave enough to try. Believing in yourself is the most important thing you can do. Because if you don't who will. If you doubt yourself why should others treat you differently? Here's a daily excersize, instead of complaining about the problems you have, try being grateful for the problems you don't have. This kinda reminds me of scars. I have a pretty gnarly one on my back and I didn't even want to wear bikinis because of it, I always thought it was ugly and people will stare at it. Till I realized something or better yet something came through into my thick skull. A scar just means I survived something, I dealt with something, survived the pain, learned a new lesson, became stronger, and moved the fuck on. A scar is like a tattoo, permanent reminder of something. Might be a life changing event, might be a stupid desition but it's something you should be proud of they aren't weakness they are your strenght. Just as you should never allow people bringing you down. Other people's negativity isn't your problem. If people treat you bad, dump them. You deserve so much better. When friends treat you like shit, use you, ignore you, dump them. It's not you. It's them. You deserve better. When people are nasty towards you smile, be you, kill them with kindness don't let their bitterness drag you down or get the best of you. Don't you dare changing to fit someone else, to please someone else, or to impress someone else. If they don't like you for you, if they don't think you're good enough...walk away. You don't need that in your life. You don't need relationships that want to change you or defy you. You are one of a kind and special just the way you are don't try to mold yourself to fit someone elses idea of ''perfect''. Right people for you will come along. People that will love you for you, for who you are not for who you aren't. Don't be scared of being who you are, standing behind what you believe in, fighting for what you think is right. You might stand alone but still there is strength in fighting. You're brave because you resist, and to be honest you only live once do you want to live in shadows always surrendering to other people's wishes? I know I don't. That's not who I am. I do what makes me happy, I surround myself with things and people I love, and I couldn't care less what other people think about it. The door is always open nobody is forcing them to stay in my life. I learned a while back that the best thing I can do for myself is to keep going, try again after I fail, to love again, to get back up again and to never let go of my dreams. I learned that because people treated me badly doesn't mean I'm a bad person it just means I chose the wrong people to surround myself with. We learn from mistakes, that's why mistakes are healthy but we shouldn't let those mistakes define us or dictate our entire lives. It's a bad day, hell a bad week or month but it's not a bad life. If you feel like you're stuck in one place, a rut, a crossroad, you aren't, you hold the key, you hold the power, if you want to change you can. All you got to do is get off your ass and make a change for yourself. Sometimes when things go really bad I just think about something an artist once told me ''it's gotta be ugly before it can be beautiful'' and that's just how it is maybe sometimes things have to go horribly wrong and bring you somewhere you'd never expected to be so it can be better, great or even amazing at the end. So life is hard, rough, tough but you are fucking tougher, just look into the past, how far you've come. You are strong as nails and I'm proud of you. If you're fighting your demons or if you're not, it takes courage to do both and the fact that you're still here, still fighting them should mean something. Don't take it lightly. Guys stop driving yourselves crazy over things you can't change. Don't stress so much, take a deep breath instead. Find the courage to be who you really are, to speak out, to be you. Smile more. Love more, hate less. Work hard and when everything falls apart don't wallow in the ruins, get up and try again. Always keep going. And when things go wrong, smile and say ''it'll be better next time'' and it will be. If you stay positive the world seems better and brighter.

Here's my weekly wisdom or better yet here's me pretending to know shit. I won't be around on monday so I smacked you with a long ass post today. I better get off my ass as well, gotta pack some stuff for Italy. I'm so excited! Thinking about a packed suitcase probably won't make it packed unless I do it. Hah. Y'all take care now. Stay safe, I'll see you next week. Cheers!

Say I got trouble, trouble in my eyes. I'm just looking for another good time.

I carry my crucifix under my deathlist. Forward my mail to me in hell. Liars and the martyrs. Lost faith in the Father. Long lost is the wishing well. Wild side. Fallen Angels. So fast to kill. Thy kingdom come on the wild side. Our father who ain't in heaven. Be thy name on the wild side. Holy Mary. Mother may I. Pray for us on the wild side.

There's a lot of thoughts in my head right now. Some worth sharing and some...well let's just say it's a good thing none of y'all can read minds. Hah. I want to talk about inspiration for a bit. What inspires you? Is it art? Poetry? Music? Paintings? Photography? People? Love? Laughter? There's so many things that inspire me. Sometimes I'd sit in front of a blank piece of paper not knowing what to do with myself and sometimes I couldn't stop my hands from drawing like crazy or clicking that camera button. I never believed in huge fancy digital cameras by the way. Sure it's nice to have it, sure the photo quality is beyond amazing but it doesn't matter, DSLR, pocket camera or even a cellphone, what matters is that you capture the moment because once it's gone, it's gone forever. I find inspiration in blogs, tumblr, pintrest, people across the world are so talented, they do such creative, crazy amazing things I find myself going through them for hours. I find inspiration in good books. Those books that just suck you in and you can't put them down till you've come to the end of it, because it's so good, that you're so lost in it and it feels almost as if the world around you has melted away. I get inspired by risk, people who are brave to jump in not knowing how things will end but they don't care, they want something bad enough and they just go for it. Courage inspires me. I get inspired by my favorite photographers, they can capture a moment so perfectly that I just stop and stare at a picture for a really long time, studying the light, the shadows, every little detail, every part of it, it's all put together so perfectly. I get inspired by dogs. They are always happy, positive, willing to trust people. Dogs understand life and see beauty and happiness in the smallest things. I find inspiration in traveling, discovering a new city, culture, people, food, vibes, it's amazing. I find inspiration in love, the stronger the better. Nothing is more inspiring then a couple that's been through a storm but they still keep on going because on the end of the day love is stronger then anything. I get inspired by Claude Monet every stroke of his brush, every color, every picture that he painted, they are absolutely beautiful. I get inspired by Salvador Dali, his eccentricity, his general behavior like he doesn't give a flying fuck about what other people think of him and his art, everything that seems to be a random mess of things yet so carefully put together to paint a completly different picture if only you look at it from the right angle. I am inspired by The Bang Bang Club and their work it's nothing short of amazing. I'm inspired by movies, tv shows, special effects done in those movies, when things that aren't real, come to life and seem completly realistic. I'm inspired by amazing makeup artists, that turn people into Orcs, zombies, dragons, vampires, warewolves...I'm inspired by life itself, human body is so amazing, every single cell has it's function and ability to repair itself, grow, function. I'm inspired by the ocean, how over 90% of it remains undiscovered. *Yet people still tell me god is real and mermaids aren't? Fuck this shit.* I'm inspired by space. Think about it, we live on a rock, circling around a huge fire ball and we have no clue what is beyond our own galaxy, if there are others, if we're alone or not. It's pretty damn amazing. I'm inspired by NASA, the work they do, the discoveries they make. If I was smarter, or just better at math, physics, chemistry, I'd want to work there someday. I get inspired by a smile, of people I like, the little light in their eyes when they smile, it's amazing. I get inspired by someone who battles a sickness, depression, abuse, whatever else, and they want to give up but keep going instead. I get inspired by motorcycles. Funny I know but I do, nothing like the sound of a Harley, the gliding on the street, when it and the road are one, nothing like the wind on your face and the freedom you feel.

And biggest most important inspiration. Music. Nothing makes me as happy, calm, collected, free, inspired, loved, strong as my music does. Nothing taught me as much as music did. Nothing makes me happier then bands do. Nothing beats the excitment of a new record, of a concert, the rush you feel when you're in the same room with them screaming the lyrics on the top of your lungs with thousands of people that are just the same, that feel the same...that moment in the song when the singer stops singing and lets the crowd do it instead and the smile on their face when the crowd is so loud to drown out the music itself. I learned that the more I know about people the more people I meet the less I like them. I prefer sitting in my room, listening to a good record then go out and be around...humans. They're horrible I swear. They judge, act superior, force their opinions down on you, tell you what you should do, what you should wear, who you should be. It's madness, what I do, who I love, who I hate, what I like, what I am is my own business not anyone elses. Just because you're ''invited'' in my life doesn't give you the right to judge, slander, change the way I live. If you don't like it there's always the door, you're free to walk out. But don't you dare telling me what I like, love, hate, feel, is wrong because we are nothing alike and thank god because I don't want to be like any of you. I am me, not perfect, but I am happy with the person I am. All the flaws combined. I'm hot headed and temparamental and sometimes my mouth runs faster then my brain but that is not an indication of who I am as a person. Not an indication of my character and certainly not my personality. Keep in mind my attitude is based off how you treat me not off of who I am. But god I'm off topic now. Music. I was talking about music. Turns out I've been having a harder time coping with one of my favorite bands breaking up then I thought. I can hear my mothers voice in my head right now saying ''stop with the drama, they are not dead'' well yes THEY are not dead but the band is dead and that's just as bad. It's no secret that Dr. Feelgood is one of my favorite records of all times. A record you put in and just listen from start to finish, every chord, note, voice on it is just perfect. And I love it way too much. It's probably unhealthy how much. Hah. I've heard all the songs on it about a million times but if I need something to make me feel better well that record is the anwser ''She goes down'' always makes me chuckle as well as ''Rattlesnake shake'' which for some bizarre reason makes me think of Axl Rose and his serpentine dance. Point is it's been less then 4 days and I'm a sobbing mess thinking of them. I miss them. I miss that I won't ever see them again...All good things come to an end I suppose. I do wish them all the happiness in the world, lord knows there's nobody who I'd want to be happier then them. If nothing else we always have the music and I'm super excited about the guys solo projects. Specially the new Sixx:AM I know it's gonna be badass. In the mean time words of advice only real Crue heads will understand ''be the knife''. Seriously fuck everyone who upsets you, brings you down, says you can't do something. Fuck all of them. They don't matter. If you set your mind to something and you want it bad enough. It'll happen. You just got to be willing to work and fight for it. So in the words of a very smart man ''be the fucking knife''. My hero. My biggest inspiration.

R.I.P. Motley Crue 1981 - 2015