Start of something good.

I wrote this (link) post on November 17th, 2017, today I can't even remember what it could possibly be that was so bad back then. The past year has been hell to say the least. I know people say you walk into the storm and you walk out on the other end stronger, better, tougher…I guess my question here is, what if you don't walk out at all?

Nobody should live through what I lived through in the past year. Well earlier too but especially this year. I grew to hate commercials on tv, promoting warm weather and picnics with the family, I grew to hate all kinds of holidays with people stressing how this is supposed to be ''family time''. I grew to hate birthdays because they are supposed to be celebrated with your family. I grew to hate people because they are cold and vicious. And I grew to love musicians that much more because so many of them come from the same fucked up background as I do and they understand. And it feels good, being understood.

This post is not going to be dark though, this post is going to be naughty I think, a little bit at least, I'll edit the really juicy parts out so keep your panties on. It's a story many of my past readers, that know me a bit better, not just out of these posts, requested many times.  And I know you want the dirty PG -18 version but that one is private for a reason.

This is about the light in the darkness if you want to be poetic. There's my band boys, those I love pretty much above everything because nothing and I do mean nothing gives me as much comfort as they do. And the few friends that I can still trust and care about because I know they are my actual friends and won't stab me in the back as soon as I turn around, even if they are not all in the same country, hell some not even on the same continent, I still love them and care about them…

But mostly this is about a specific person in my life. About someone I love above all else. Someone who understands me, appreciates me, loves me for who I am, and doesn't give a flying fuck about all of the demons or hardships this love comes with.

Why I said this post is going to be naughty? Because of the way we met. That was…something your mother wouldn't want you to read even if you're over eighteen.  The full uncensored story is on my private blog, only open for a handful of people, I'm not a big fan of sharing private things with the entire world, maybe that's why I get zero hits these days…

There was a concert in Germany, Italy, Austria, hell I don't even remember, I think it was Austria, it was years back, I found myself there with my best friend, arguing, in the middle of a concert venue. The happiest place on earth and we argue. And don't ask me what about, I don't know, it had to be the dumbest thing on the planet. As most arguments usually are.

I know I told her that ''if that's what you think then I'm making this easy on you and leaving'' and I left. To the first bar to drink the sorrows away. As if that ever helped me. Or anyone for that matter.

I felt betrayed and angry and mad and hurt, someone I trusted more than anyone on this planet, with all my darkest secrets and this is how it was repaid. I learned later she was only a friend of mine to use me, for free concert tickets, events, meeting important people,…like I said people, they're all the same, only care about you as long as they have some sort of use for you. Clearly that is my issue, I was never able to treat people the same way they treated me. I was always too kind, too caring, to nice. Maybe that's why life treats me as it does.

I ended up contemplating the very same things in a bar just 20 meters from the concert venue. Small, dark, smoke filled hole but they were opened all night and served whiskey without wanting to see your ID. I was of legal age but didn't have it on me mind you. I probably threw down a few of those Jack on the rocks in seconds before the bar tender asked me if I had a rough night and gave me the next one for free. Alcohol doesn't solve problems but neither does water does it?

What happened next was straight out of a cheap Hollywood movie, like the Fangirl with Meg Ryan? Seen that one? I love it, obviously, since All time low are in it. But we all know how it goes, every fan girls dream, meeting her favourite star in a cafe downtown, bumping into them on the street, behind a concert venue…they meet, fall in love and the rest is history. As if. Did I ever dream of something of the sort happening to me? No, no I didn't. But then again this wasn't a ''star'' like say Nikki Sixx or Bruce Springsteen who I would have fainted in front of. Not even kidding. No he was from one of the bands that I loved but they weren't that well known, smaller support act on the festival.

He walked into that same bar, probably even angrier than I was sitting down behind the bar ordering that same whiskey on the rocks, hissing with anger. I guess that's the first moment I knew we were alike. Solving our issues with booze. Or making life harder with booze is more like it. You know what dragged me to him in the first place? Sure looks, let's be shallow, he's incredibly handsome, everything I love most, bright eyes and blond hair, we all know that's all I need to be dead on the floor. It was this feeling of calmness that washed over me when our eyes met.

Someone once told me a story about meeting his soul mate, he said it wasn't the person that made him nervous which is crazy because up to that point being near anyone that I even remotly liked made me crazy nervous, palm sweating, stomach in knots kinda nervous, but he said, he knew she was it when he met her and he felt calm, like he's at home. And that was what drew me to that same pissed off musician, I felt just that, like everything on the planet lined up and fell into place.

But here's the deal, I dreamt about marrying Jon Bon Jovi all through my teen years (who wouldn't though?) so I knew a musician taking any kind of interest into me was wild. Even if I sat there dressed like a total groupie. Call me crazy but I think that was actually the point. Dress up, show up, get drunk, get laid, quite rudely put. If I remember correctly I wore a skirt so short that when sitting down on a bar stool it didn't leave much to imagination and heels so high they should be illegal. Gods I was what barely twenty and about as dumb as those screaming Justin Bieber fans.

He sat down right next to me, in an entire bar, empty bar, save for one table in the far corner, he sits down next to me, literal shivers went up my spine when our hands accidentally brushed against each other. Our eyes met briefly and I felt like dying. Did I mention he has the most beautiful eyes? I know this is about to go into the direction of a crazy fan girls talk. But I can't help it. You know what's funny though? There he is in a white Kiss t shirt with Gene Simmons front and center, his huge tongue almost over the entire shirt and there I am, with my black Kiss crop top, full of holes because I'm pretty sure I once used it to clean a filter on a Harley. I was hipster before hipster was even a thing.

I think our conversation actually started with him saying that I look like I could use another drink. How about another bottle more like it? And the smile on his face…my god. it's not that it would make the sun look pathetic, it's that it would make the sun burn up and die. I think I replied to him that he looks like he could use another too and he mumbled something along the lines of ''you have no idea'' back. I don't even know how or when but suddenly we were a few more drinks in talking about music, life, art, love, our passions. Talking like we weren't strangers and he wasn't a rather famous rockstar, but just two regular people, friends, that bumped into eachother after a long time and are just here to catch up. I never felt like that with anyone, I don't trust people easily, I don't tell them things about me, but him…he was different, he listened, we could talk.

Nikki, note to self, don't get up in the middle of the conversation saying ''I need to pee'' specially if you're talking to a musician. Oh my god. Sometimes I would really need to learn how to filter myself. Sweet jesus. He thought it was adorable. I didn't. But it made him giggle so it was all worth it. Gosh what an adorable giggle. You know it's funny, we both walked into that bar angry, furious, needing to let off steam. And by the end of our conversation we were both laughing, relaxed, calm, happy.

He told me ''your secret is safe with me, my lady'' and walked to the bathroom with me, afraid I'd probably break my leg in ten different places in those high heels and the ammount of whiskey consumed. I don't remember drinking that much of it, not ever before, and not ever after. Seriously though who the hell wears almost 20 centimeters heels on a rock concert? Oh right, I do. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me.

See that's what it is, as cliche as it gets, he's a gentleman walks with me to the bathroom and of course I did almost trip over my own feet…idiot. All he did was place his arms around my waist and I tell you I was done for. Done. I never felt like this in my entire life. I can't even describe it. It was wild. I tried to give him a snarky remark something along the lines of ''I can walk on my own'' but it got lost in translation. My god. He literally swept me off my feet.  While we walked through a very narrow and very dark hallway to where the bathrooms were I stopped and turned to say something to him but ended up colliding into him instead. All hell broke loose. See the thing is, whiskey just like tequila is Satans drink of choice. I don't know what came over me, lust, insane courage, something else? The fact that his Hugo Boss perfume made my head ever dizzier than Jack Daniels did? I don't even know.

So I took a chance and kissed him. Come on, which fan girl wouldn't do that? You got 50 – 50 % how that will turn out. I apologised said that I don't know what came over me and the next moment we were full on making out against the wall of a filthy bathroom. Most romantic place on the planet aint it. I don't know how it happened but his lips on mine, and hands all over I was done for. It was wild. Attraction, admiration, I don't know what it was. I swore I feel in love on the spot. Well at the time I assumed it was the endless ammounts of alcohol we both consumed. How wrong was I.

I could tell you in detail how our bathroom meeting continiued but in the words of Mamma mia ''we met, we kissed and dot dot dot'' you know. I said I'm editing the naughty bits out and I am. I was rather embarrassed of this for the longest time. Embarrassed of actually behaving like a cheap groupie. But there were moments, words spoken that were much more than just a quick hook up. Just kissing him wasn't like anything ever before. It was different. It was like I was high on some insane drug, it made my head spin and skin tingle. Ever felt that before?

We left the bar together, walked up to his bus to replace my shredded shirt, and he asks me if he can at least find out my name, I realised we talked about just about everything but we never told eachothers names. Well I knew his. And he asks me what are the chances to get my phone number to see me again. At the time I wasn't too keen on that. This could only go two ways, be a booty call whenever he's in town or falling in love with a rockstar that will never feel the same. So I thought anyways. So I tell him to flip a coin ''heads you get my number, tails you don't''. He was lucky, that stupid Italian one euro coin landed on the ground between us face up, Da Vinci's drawing pretty much glaring at me.

Would you believe that now, more than seven years later he still has that coin? With a hole pierced through it, on a chain, calls it his lucky talisman, because it changed his life completely. Probably the sappiest thing that I've ever heard. Straight out of a Hemingway novel. Such things don't happen to people like me, or to anyone really. This is only possible in movies. So I was bold reaching into his jeans pocket, punching my name and number into his phone, sun was already rising and it was about time I returned to my hotel. We said goodbye and I left. It wasn't even five minutes later when my phone rang and he tells me he misses me already. Oh my god.

It was around six in the morning when I walked into the hotel, hair a mess, makeup smeared and bite marks all over my neck and the receptionist couldn't stop giggling when I asked for the room key ''I take it the concert was good'' yeah. Yeah it was.

I couldn't imagine that all this would ever turn into what it is now. A relationship. A messed up, crazy, weird one but it's ours. We're both lovers and best friends and that means something in this crazy fucked up world we live in. I wanted to write this up today because it's a big day for him. He's about as nervous about it as I was when I met him for the first time (which I'm admiting here for the first time). But truth is, I couldn't be more proud of him than I am. He's an amazing musician, as he is an amazing human being, kind, caring, loving, always puts others first, and there isn't a thing he wouldn't do for his family and friends. Though he's human and worried about what comes next, my point here is, there's no reason for fear, sure the music he's releasing came from a bad period in his life, and the lyrics he wrote were born from tough situations but isn't heart break the best for lyrics? People want their hearts broken with songs.

Point is, things fell apart and his life was a complete mess but he didn't take the easy way out. He fought and picked himself up again. And to be honest there aren't many people I admire for it as much. He gives me strength and will to carry on. If he could do it so can I. I can get through this too. And at the end of the day I'm not alone. I have the best support system I could have. Someone that's been through hell and back and came out a stronger, better, kinder person. A hero.