What the future holds.

I was just sitting on my bed, watching a romantic movie, everything was so sweet, so perfect, so happy...and it made me so miserable. I know movies are movies but why can't life be like that sometimes? Happy. Nothing but sunshine. Rainbows, glitter and cupcakes. Why can't there be more love? All people really do is hate. Why can't there be more understanding? More acceptance, more peace? I'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic yes. I'm aware I wish for things that may be impossible...but wouldn't it be nice though? Just imagine, a world without hate, religion, powerty, hunger, sickness, war, money even. Everyone has everything, everyone is happy, everyone is loved...isn't that the world you want to live in? I know I do. I want people around me who love me for me, people who actually care, people who do things because they want to not becasue they have some sort of use from it. People that are nice and caring and selfless and just real. Not people that will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around. I said 2016 will be better, but here we are more then a half of it over and it's just as fucked as all the rest were. Maybe less then 2008 and 2013 but still. It sucks. And because of that I know 2017 has to be better. HAS to be. Or I might loose the last bits of sanity I may or may not have. Hey! I said may or may not. Hah.

Here's the deal I want more self esteem, I wish to be braver and bolder. I know I'm smart enough and hard working enough for whatever I set my mind to but I'm just not brave enough. I think I'm so scared of failing it's keeping me back from trying in the first place. That has to change. I need to start taking chances and actually living. What's life if you're only playing it safe? I want more motivation. There's so much that I want to do and so little motivation to do it. Everything seems so far away, out of my reach and impossible, like reaching for the stars. It isn't. It just feels that way. I want more excitment for my future. And this is a hard one. It's hard getting excited when life is so unsure. Times are tough, things are fucked up, what is there to be excited about? I don't know, but I plan on figuring out. I plan on finding stuff that will make me excited. I want more hopes and dreams. Life may be tough but what is living without dreams? Nothing is out of reach if you are willing to fight for it. I want this tattooed on my god damn forehead to make it sink in. The only limitations there are are the ones we put on ourselves. I need to stop doing that. I need to believe in myself more. If I don't who the fuck will? I want more emotional stability. Things throw me out of balance so easy. I may not show it but I get hurt real easy. And upset, and stressed and it sucks. Sometimes I feel like it's eating me alive and I'm not so sure how much more I can take. In 2017 I don't want one single sad tear, only happy ones. Optimistic I know but nothing is impossible. I want more courage, more hugs, more love. Why don't we tell our loved ones that we love them more often? We can wake up someday and it's too late and we're left with all these regrets...why can't we learn to love better? I want more random acts of kindness...the waitress was really nice? Tip her. The waitress has a bad day but is trying? Tip her. Help someone who needs help. Donate to a charity, pet a dog or a cat. Be more human for fuck sake. I want more concert tickets. Music makes me happy, music makes sense, it makes everything better and it makes life worth living. I want more of that. I want more happiness in my life. I want more traveling. Traveling is learning and growing. It's like writing a new chapter in your book. I have too many empty pages. I want to fill them up. I want new cities, countries, cultures. I want to learn and grow...I want more social skills, I suck at those, comunicating with people? Not my strong side. I wish I was better at it I really do and on the other hand I wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone. Too much stupidity and I honestly can't handle it. I feel like it's dragging me down to their level and that is not a place I want to be at. I want to be healthier, prettier, smarter and bottom line happier. All that what I just listed means shit if you're not happy. I don't want irrational things, all the things I want are simple they just seem impossible to reach from where I stand right now. But life changes, people change, things change that's at least one thing that is certain in life. It won't always be bad, the wheel will always spin back and things will get better. It's only up to us to be strong and fight through whatever shit storm we're thrown into. Guys, remember be your own fucking superheroes, make your own god damn reality, you can do whatever the fuck you want to, you just got to believe in yourselves. Don't let anyone or anything stop you, people are that way, they want to see you fail. So don't let them. Fight for it and do whatever the hell you want to because honestly life is too short to waste it on the wrong people, the wrong job, the wrong life.

I know it's hard to keep an open heart, when even friends seem out to harm you.

So I'm guessing you all heard about the big Guns n' Roses reunion by now? I got to admit first time they started talking about it I was like ''yeah right when pigs fly''. Then it got serious. Well I'm still in shock. But a good shock. Happy one. Slash and Duff are finally back where they belong. Welcome home boys. Doesn't mean I won't miss Izzy and Steven though, it's not really a proper ''reunion'' if all the band members aren't there now is it? Suppose I should be happy with what I've got huh? I'm probably way too excited. They confirmed a festival I could never go to, nobody said there's gonna be a tour. Much less an European tour but I'm overly excited. Because just think, they'll be back on stage for the first time since 1993. And if that aint amazing then I don't know what is. You know what's funny? November rain came out around the same time I was born. My mom would play it for me all the time. I think they're the first memory of music I have. November rain. The music video. Do you guys have a song or a band or a singer that you'd remember as your first music memory? Mine are definatelly Guns, Skid Row, Bruce Springsteen, Poison, Warrant, Motley crue, Motorhead, Led Zeppelin, Metallica. The bands my parents listened to, the music I grew up with. Never really thought I'd learn to love it as much as I do. Truth to be told there were times when dad's really loud ''noise'' was getting on my nerves. I learned now so many years later that I'm gratefull for the ''noise'' and the bands I was brought up to love. They taught me more about life, love, people, this world then any school, experience or anyone, anything ever could. I'm grateful for growing up like this, in a musical world. I'd be so lost without it. What else is there to say? Welcome back guys, I'm so happy this is finally happening, you've kept us waiting for far too long. I wish you all the best with your future plans. Maybe a tour as well. That one is a bit selfish I admit. Hah.

Either way I should head to bed, I've seen one too many The Walking Dead episodes today. At a point where Netflix asks if you're alright. Heh. No Netflix I am obviously not alright. I'm on a binge. I better not even say out loud how fast I got through all five seasons. It's probably unhealthy. So yes headed to bed, but before I do, here's my first pencil work in 2016. Robert Downey Jr. Started as a portrait of Iron man, the request was actually to make his eyes red and gold but well that didn't happen and I'm glad it didn't. Looks so much better like this.

Stay safe out there guys and take care of one another.

If anytime in 2015 I annoyed you, pissed you off or offended you...suck it up fruitcake because 2016 won't be any better ;)

Forgive me please for I know not what I do. How can I keep inside the hurt I know is true?

Tell me when the kiss, of love becomes a lie, that bears the scar of sin too deep to hide behind, this fear of running unto you, please let there be light, in a darkened room.

Well here we are guys...2016. We made it this far, even though I'm still stuck somewhere in the 2012. I swear I keep writing 2012 on all the documents I have to fill out. It's a serious problem. Hah. I thought about 2015 while in the shower this morning, washing champagne and glitter out of my hair. It's been a wild ride. Gone by too fast. Many up's and down's but in general, it was good. I think. I've met awesome new people, I've lost some, but I suppose that's the price of growing up and changing. I've finished another part of school with almost 100% succsess. Grew closer with my family. Seen amazing bands like Queen with Adam Lambert, All time low for the third time, Neck deep, Real friends, Saint Asonia, Alice Cooper and the mighty Motley Crue who ripped out my heart and left it bleeding on the ground. Last night when the hour of the last ever show approached I felt like a part of me was dying. Grew up with Crue, they inspire me so much, hold so many good memories, conected with the people I no longer have in my life and miss daily. I wish there was a way to go back, back to the sunset strip, long hair, young reckless kids, full of life, ready to show the world who the real fucking rock'n'roll legend is. Thank you guys for everything you did and gave to the world and us. I can't even put into words how much I'll fucking miss you. We've lost Lemmy, who I think was the only remaining hardcore rockstar. Meaning earth went quieter and heaven got a whole lot louder. So many new records came out, including Bring me the horizon, All time low, Def Leppard and they're all way too good to be real. I'm addicted to their ''poison'' as well. Hah. But 2015 was also sad, if world peace is all we really wish for we're a long way from it. My heart goes out to all the people killed in France, Middle east, Africa, everywhere where they were gunned down under the hands of terrorists and never made it to 2016. I sure hope this next year brings us peace and safety. Doubt it. But one can only dream right? But let's look at things from a positive side. It's a new year, and we're the ones in charge if it's good or bad. And we should make 2016 our bitch. Tho I'm entering this new year with an absolutely broken heart, there's so much to be happy and excited about. Like the fact that hell froze over and Axl Rose and Slash are going to be sharing the same stage for the first time after 1993. Woah right? I never thought I'd live to see the day. But I'm very happy. They belong together. And even though I'd do unspeakable things to be able to see them play Coachella next year since the world tour is still just rumored I'm beyond happy that they finally talked it out and are able to move on. I'd give anything to see the original GNR live. Anything. They're the one band I listened to since before I was even born and aparently always loved them. However I'm glad the night passed quietly and safely, I know we were all on edge due to numerous threaths. I hope you all had fun, spent the night with people you love most, kissed that special person on the countdown, had a toast for the better times that are hopefully comming. I refuse to believe life will always be bad. Here's from me to you, wishing you all the happiness, love, laughter, peace, succsess in everything you do and for all those wishes and dreams you have to come true, well maybe not all of them, then you'd have nothing to wish for anymore. But you know what I mean. Remember guys, sky is the limit and the only limit you really have is the one you put on yourself. Nothing is impossible, if you can dream it, you can do it. Love you all, take care of eachother,

HAPPY NEW YEAR

...and good night :')