Tell me what to do now, I'm so in love, I'm so in love with, you.

Why is it, that everytime I come up here, for a few smart ass statements, it's either ''it's been a hard day'' or a ''hard week'' or a ''hard month''. It's been a fucking hard life you guys. This past week especially, unfriendly, hard to stomach, long and wet. And not wet in a good way. Not wet in a Samantha from Sex and the city type wet. Not pretending to be a boring ass librarian stacking books, and Tom Cruise walks in, saying he came to check out a book but found me instead, then sweeps off all the books from the desk in one swift movment and dot dot dot...yeah not that kinda wet. This is a thought a friend of mine planted in my head btw, y'all can blame him for being explicit. No, this kinda wet, is cold, gray, rainy and floods upon floods type wet. The weather which aside from snow and winter I hate most. The type of weather that traps you inside with your family which is probably a worse type of punishment than jail time would be. Not me typing this on the bathroom floor, because it's probably the only place left, where I get at least a tiny bit of peace and quiet. Que in why I love going to church. Not mass, just sitting down, during opening hours, enjoying the quiet and watching the sun making colors dance on the floors, through colored windows. 

But this is not about my annoying ass family, or the weather that's slowly sucking out the last few remaining atoms of my will to live. Or how kids these days say I'm too retro because I actually know what VHS is. Sigh. This is about the Crue. I mean you knew this was coming right? You know, when they first embarked on this stadium show in USA, I was so jealous. Motley, Leppard, Poison AND Joan Jett? I'd sell my soul for that line up. As if I didn't know that there's no way in hell this spectacle comes to Europe, then Covid happened. So y'all can imagine how shocked I was to hear that it actually IS coming to EU? Yeah shell shocked. I mean no Poison which is to be understood and no Joan Jett. But still, two rock icons, two of my absolute faves? Fuck yes. 

I bought tickets for this months back. Months. It was supposed to be my first time in Budapest. I mean first concert in Budapest. I've been there before, such a magical, beautiful city and I was absolutely excited to be back in town. In a brand new arena too. And then....first news. Mick Mars left the band and someone someone is replacing him. Uhm...I mean it's devastating, Mick IS Motley, without him they'd be called something ridiculous like Black X - MASS or something simmilarly idiotic, or better yet they'd probably all be dead by now. But you know, I figured alright Mick is sick, probably wants to rest, probably can't do as much touring as they set out to do. Understandable. Imagine my fucking surprise last week when the news breaks that Mick is suing Motley.

I've been trying to avoid the drama but that's impossible with couple hundred pages liked both on Instagram and Tumblr. And you know how people are, everyone gotta chip in and contribute to the madness. If I understood the allegations correctly, Mick never left the band but was rather forced out. Wait what? That my friends, is unacceptable to me. I know he wanted to record with the band, the band would be stupid not to let him do that because hello, boys, I'm sorry to say this, but he's the only talent in this band. I also know he wouldn't be able to preform but this is the bush that the rabbit is in it seems, by not preforming they cut Mick's profits from 25 to 5% and I am fuming with anger. Like are you fucking kidding me? How greedy can y'all be? You're all millionares,  is money really worth fucking up your friendship, your ''family'', your fans, your legacy? Is money really above any and all decent human connection? 

Maybe I could stomach greed. Maybe. But what I can't stomach is, how this is apparently just the tip of the ice berg. Apparently this ''abuse'' over Mick has been happening for the past 40 years, apparently they wanted him out of the band since the 80's. Again, I'm sorry, are you fucking kidding me? I remember this episode of LA ink, where Nikki goes and gets Micks face tattooed on his thigh and I just, I can't. Y'all know if there's a barking dog in this band then that dog is Nikki right? So he's the ring leader, he's the problem. The devil. The hypocrite. I love him but I wanna throw a brick in his face you know? How dare you?! Like just how dare you. 

Not sure what the band had to say when responding to these ''allegations'', but I quite honestly don't even want to know, I'm taking Micks side, I know he's right on this, what's fair is fair, and I know who the issue is. Just remember that Steel Panther drama from some time ago, and just who had too much to say about it. Funny Nikki is the one barking about Panters music when the lawsuit accuses him of playing with a pre recorded track. How very interesting. Is it believable? Perhaps. I mean, the man couldn't tell a bass and a guitar apart at the start of the career. One of the responses I did catch was that retiring from touring is retiring from the band. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can have touring musicians or guests or whatever the hell you want, a musician doesn't have to retire just because they can't tour no more. A musician IS a muscian. They will always be artists. You can't step down and away from that. And they should know that better than anyone. 

Kovač, you idiot. Protecting the band, taking shit about Mick, saying he was ''put up'' to do that, by his lawyers and how this is ''elder abuse''. Idiot. Seriously what an idiot. Allowing the band into gaslighting Mick further, into gaslighting us? Oh piss off for real. Motley is Micks band. It might as well be Mick Mars and the three idiots for all I care, nobody will convince me of it being any different. 

God aren't you all grown ass men too old for fucking drama? For real you guys, here I am, fawning over old men thinking they bring maturity and an inteligent fucking conversations, but looks like that's fucking impossible. I can't with this band, there's always gotta be some drama. Sigh.

Here's a quick memo for the guys, especially Nikki who clearly thinks he's a rock god or something. You are not Motley Crue, you personally. The band is. As a whole. Each individual member brings something to the table, therefore there is no band if the band is not complete, that's not too hard to understand I hope? Every member contributed to amazing music like Girls Girls Girls and Dr. Feelgood, they wouldn't be what they are without all four members, I mean lets be honest we all know that brief period with no Vince the band was shit. But get your damn head out of your ass, the only good thing the band put out recently was one single song and even that one was written by Simple plan. Clearly the band is just Nikki's puppets at this point.

I don't even know why I expected different, or better. I knew what they're like, I've read the Dirt, I knew they aren't saints, but I had hoped they changed. At least a little. At least put their priorities in order. Maybe understood that certain things should be above money and ego...but here we are. I think I'm disappoined because I expected better. I keep getting disappointed because I keep forgetting, at the end of the day when the spotlight turns off they're just people, like you and me, they make stupid mistakes, they make bad choices in life. I just wish these choices were putting sugar on your spaghetti, not something this catastrophic. Well, sugar on your pasta is catastrophic, but you guys understood the reference. I am just devastated. It sucks. It's taking the love I had for the music right out of it. I'm conflicted, I'm angry, I'm confused. 

Which brings us to the root of the problem and the whole reason why I'm writing this in the first place.  I should be writing it with a glass (the one that holds a whole bottle) of wine, not coffee. Sigh. I am seriously conflicted about the concert, it's already paid for, from the get go I said I'm going 90% because of Def Leppard since they don't tour as much. I was SO looking forward to it and now...now I just don't know? Should I even go? On the one hand I love Def Leppard and I really want to go see them, as well as this aint their fucking fault. And on the other hand I just can't bring myself to support this madness. And you know I'm well aware how a couple returned tickets won't make a difference, or a dent, they're millionares, they wont feel it (though of course if everyone rebelled they would feel it but people joining forces for anything at all is unheard of), but this isn't about them, this is about me, my conscience and me making my peace with whatever I chose to do. 

Y'all know how complex it is to be a freaking Libra, never able to decide should you go left or right, is something white or beige, is the glass half full or half empty. Frustrating. So I once again find myself in front of the wall, staring up, not knowing how to cross it. Or better staring at that perfect outfit I chose for the concert, like...spent a month thinking about it...I know I'm lame but after Covid I figured everything should be a big deal. You should plan and look forward to things. Even if they somehow always end completely fucked up, and they never turn out as we planned them. You should still look forward to something, and you should still be excited about it. 

So watch me go absolutely La La Land for the next month (concert is on the 29th of May) trying to decide what the fuck to do. I still absolutely love the music don't get me wrong, I'm separating art from the artist, but the assholes behind it are a bit hard to stomach. In a ''I love you but I don't have to like you'' type thing. I probably won't listen, but you guys, any and all advice is appreciated. What would you do in my shoes? I know what I'll do, complain, cry and drink, probably in that order too. 

Here's to the weekend, hopefully I survive all this rain with a decent amount of wine and no more hair pulling, unless it's Thomas doing the tugging. That's always welcome. Cheers guys!

New world order.

I wrote and deleted the first line three times now. Something I never do. I suppose it's hard. Starting with a ''bad day'' or a ''bad week'' seems silly. It's not a bad week or a bad month. It's a bad year, it's a bad life. Things have just been going wrong so much lately. I'm sure many of you can relate. I remember each time I write a new years post I write ''please *enter year* treat us better'' or ''please be good'' and despite it all I think 2020 just fucked us most. It may seem crazy or unbelievable but what's really killing me are concerts. My own personal and best therapy and having it taken is just the worst kind of punishment. Yes I get it, things could be worse, and concerts will be back, but y'all read my blog, you know what and how much they mean to me and without that sort of outlet, that happy place, well I'm pretty lost. 

I tried to do something fun this weekend for a change. My annual favourite event ''Night at the museum'' was going on on Saturday. But this year all the fun was taken out of it. It's been one hell of a weather with the pouring rain and weird humidity that makes people with allergies like mine choke but also the masks in the museum, the keeping distance, the depressed tense atmosphere and people glaring. It's rough. Life goes on sure, but if life goes on like this…I'd rather it stopped for a little while longer. 

While most exhibitions are permanent and I know them by heart by now, I still go check them out each year. Some things I enjoy watching all over again, like the big bear or the painted ceiling and the best preserved Roman street on this side of Europe. And there's always some small new surprises to see. Our town has very rich Roman history so each time something is repaired, a hole is dug, the river is searched, new findings pop up. 

This time there was a new exhibition I was looking forward to. About rock music in our country and former Yugoslavia. It's amazing just how many amzing musicians we have, how much good music, but it's just lost in the floods of recent crap we tend to call music. So many bands broke up by now, some died, some still exist but they weren't just musicians, at some point in time they represented hope, rebellion, change,…

It's a brilliantly set exhibition, highlighting musicians that left a statement on the Slovenian music scene, ours and those from countries around us. And the whole lay out of the exhibition is probably the closest to a concert I'll get in a long while, the rooms you walk around follow in a particular order. Like a festival it starts with a little stage where it's musicians country wide, big stage with names that are from all around former Yugoslavia, in between you find a so called ''political stage'', which may be my favourite part, showing and explaining the spirit of rock, the like I called it earlier, rebellion, being different, offering a different outlook on things and offering a way out of the boring and normal. The room layout obviously ends with a ''backstage'', that one is dedicated to our local bands, from our hometown. Might be the most important part. We have so much good music here too.

Obviously what the exhibition shows in the first place are guitars, drums  and other gear, clothes, records, some personal items from the musicians that changed our world in the time period between 1960 and 1991. I am a strong believer that music and especially rock music has the power to change the world and this is a clear back up of that idea, music can break barriers in people's minds, in politics, in cultures in everything really. It's an universal language and a statement like no other. 

It's a funny feeling walking through an exhibition looking at things and pictures of people you actually know. I don't know, should it make me feel old or…? Going through this, remembering how it's set into stages, the barricades, the guitars, the lights…fuck me I miss concerts. I don't get how people live, how do you live never going to concerts? I can't seem to understand it…

The rest is business as usual, the paved Roman street which come to think of it after seeing Pompeii last year is not as fascinating no more and I'd actually need someone to explain to me why is ours different and ''one of a kind'' in it's way. I mean in Pompeii all Roman streets are preserved and you obviously also can walk on them. I think I heard once that it's special because it's a ''highway'' in a way. And it's supposed to be unique because of that, not sure though. Gotta look into that, I suppose it's time to bug museum employees yet again, by now they all know me and by some miracle they're not sick of me yet. 

Business as usual means also going to see my bear again. Can't do without the bear…

As always the night has to end with a drink but believe me even that one feels bitter when your favourite places aren't even open and won't be anytime soon. I guess is the new ''normal'' we have to get used to now. Actually, fuck that, it's not normal, it's crazy, it's madness but I guess this madness is our new reality.  It's a fucked up world as I said so many times before but I think this kinda fucked up I didn't even dream of.

I suppose this is it for today. Another long Monday and I'm ready to fall into bed. It might be true that you don't hate Mondays but your life but so help me Jesus it feels like Mondays never end. Have a good week guys, I hope you find some sort of fun to make things seem less gloomy. I'm actually going to a local concert on Wednesday. Tiny event not even comparable to what I miss so much and I don't even know the band but I'm having such a withdrawal crisis from concerts that I'd probably go see Justin Bieber should he play here. Gonna be ''fun'', muzzled and annoyed but I'm willing to try. 

P.S. All but one picture of me are taken of my butt because I have a problem of being pictured muzzled. Feels and looks dumb...but it's okay because it's been a good hair day...

The boys are back in town.

Anyone else completely losing their minds or is it just me? I feel like I genuinely have no concept of time no more. Is it a Monday? The 1800s? Yesterday? Saturday everyday? Probably. Who the fuck knows? Let's be honest, physically I am here, losing my mind in my house, but mentally somewhere completely different. Possibly reliving a concert or pretending to be at one I didn't attend but know by heart because I've seen videos a million times. There's talks that we wont get to attend concerts till fall next year. NEXT FUCKING YEAR. Pray to god and satan that's not the case, else I have no idea how we'll live.

Sometimes while sitting down and trying to write a blog (really trying right now because everyone is stuck at home and yelling at each other and I can barely hear my thoughts never mind actually writing), I like to check back to my old blog, the private one, to see what I posted on the same days years ago. Seems like in these times it's even more interesting, some days are fun memories and some days are just a reminder how none of us really appreciated what we had. Freedom. 

I checked back to April 2015. A lot was on, but not much different, family arguments, pretty long haired singers, and a specific memory that still today makes me want to cry. At what point do we actually reconsider some things and realise some choices in the past were mistakes? I am starting to think that just because something made you happy…it doesn't mean it was right. 

April 29th 2015. Way before everything went to hell in a hand basket. I wrote a post about anxiety and love, and being there for someone you love. A post completely drenched with pain and love, a feeling so strong I felt it while re reading my own words and all I kept thinking was ''god was I an idiot''. I know this makes no sense to you right now, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I can't really fix or change much now but at least I know I've made some serious mistakes in the past. We all do. But some are…I don't know, heart breaking. And while in quarantine, one has too much time to think.

In that spirit here's a short review of an album, album that is actually one of his favorites. The one who the April 29th 2015 post is about, and a distraction, so I don't think about all the things that hurt, but rather of fond memories.

He and probably Axl Rose as well would kill me if they knew, but I never listened to this album. I have music that's on it on my laptop and on my iPod but I never listened to the actual album. It has been however featured on many of my social media platforms because let's be honest, how effin badass is that cover? Painted by Jim Fitzpatrick, who is an Irish artist maybe best known for his two tone portrait of Che, the one based on the famous photo which Korda took of him. Btw the very painting is now for sale, actually I think he made 10 copies, so super limited edition, for ''only'' about 15 000 euros. Understandable price. Also I'd kill for one of those, they are absolutely beautiful. Gods look at me rambling about painting, focus Nikki, this post is not about this type of art. 

So this album ''Black Rose: A rock legend'' is actually the ninth studio album by Thin Lizzy, it was released in 1979, which holy  shit means it celebrated 40 years last year. Doesn't it feel surreal at times, owning vinyl much older than you are? Album got a great number two on the UK charts as well as went gold also in the UK, not as successful in Europe or USA but I keep saying what do we know about music anyways? 

Reviews were stating that the album ''marks no major departure'' from their original sound. I don't know about that, I see some slight changes, like spices on a dish that make it tastier, but generally, why change what works great? Yes I'm all for musicians evolving and trying new things, but if you find your sound, something that works, something that sounds great, you can be creative within that sound as well.  Actually I think ''Black rose'' was the last real true classic album by Lizzy and definately the most polished and successful album. 

The opening to this album is perfect, it's alive, electrified and explosive. ''Do anything you want to do'' starts with this African style drum beat before slowly progressing into the perfection that is a double guitar attack, followed by a perfect guitar solo. It was recorded in Paris and in the end you can actually hear a distant vocal statement ''Elvis is dead'' and a tiny portion of Blue suede shoes, before the song fades out. Don't ask me what that's about, it's odd no doubt, but being the Elvis fan I am it sure as hell made my ears perk up.

''Toughest street in town'' is next, it's a bit heavier, more typical hard rock song and Moore's solo in this one? Bitching! It's obvious why he was the perfect fit for this band and a total highlight of the entire piece. This piece is about their past, you know, they came from nothing and worked hard to be where they are. This is a piece about the blue collar, hard working, rough world type life that the band came from. It actually reminds me of Springsteen, not because of the sound, god forbid, but the general underdog, working man outlook on life. 

''S & M'' has a Jazzier feel to it, the vocals are not the same as they are through the album, or how we are used to them and the guitars definatelly don't sound the same. But if you look at the song from a different point of view it's far more complex than any other song by Lizzy in the past. And don't even get me started on those dark and brutal lyrics. Jesus christ. 

The first single released from Black rose was ''Waiting for an Alibi'' and it might be my favourite one, guitars sound great, and the lyrics are just pure poetry. The song itself is catchy, which makes it obvious why it was picked for the single which is one of the best known songs to non hardcore fans and it got them on the UK top 10 with a number 9 on the chart. Not bad, of course we all know that usually when someone says Thin Lizzy you automatically think ''The boys are back in town''. Well actually I think ''Whiskey in a jar'' which is such a Metallica song for most people but truth is neither wrote Whiskey in a jar, they both only did covers. Originally Whiskey in a jar is a song about a notorious Irish highwayman Patrick Fleming who was hanged in 1650.

It's actually a fascinating story how this song became a huge hit for both Tallica and Lizzy and also The Dubliners. Let's be honest Fleming was no hero, this is not a Robin Hood type tale. He was a murderer and a robber who spared nobody. What brought him fame was his notorious escape from prison through I believe a chimney. He was caught again and later hanged but through out all of this madness he got this heroic stamp and many poems and tales written about him. Why, I have no idea. But  it gave us one of the best rock anthems. It's believed that the original poem was brought to the States by mass emigration and was originally called either ''The sporting hero'' or ''Whiskey in the bar''.  A version of it also existed in the Civil war, different lyrics and titled ''We'll fight for uncle Sam''.

What happened then was that Phil Lynott gave it a whole new life with their rock version on Lizzy's 1996 album with the same name. The song sky rocketed then, everyone was doing covers of this song and to be honest they still do today, there's countless numbers of youtube singers singing covers of this exact song but nobody really knows, it's a ballad about a murderer from 1650. Fascinating. 

Since I am once again completely off topic…side A closes with a song titled ''Sarah'', softer and much gentler song, feels a little bit out of place but in a welcome way. It's about Lynotts daughter who at the time when this was created was a newborn. It's a beautiful song because his love towards his daughter can be clearly felt while listening to this song. 

''Got to give it up'' and ''Get out of here''. Not very cheerful titles are they? The first one is a bit bluesy in the begining but sure as the sun rising it launches into another rock song with brilliant guitars. Thank all the gods. It's such a waste when bands have great guitarists and don't use their full potential. Hello Van Halen? WHY WHY WHY would you use whatever the hell you call that in the intro of Jump when you got Eddie Van Halen?! I don't get it. Just like I don't get it how damn popular it made them. People are strange I tell you. Right ''Got to give it up'' is the same old struggle most musicians battled with, brutally honest about heroin addiction and the rippling effect it has not just for the addict but everyone around them. On a less serious note, the other day while watching Rocketman (amazing movie btw, my babe Taron did such an amazing job in this role and not even a god damn nomination for an Oscar?!) and Elton being in rehab I was just over here thinking, can you imagine being in rehab circa 89-92? Possibly locked up in one of them rehab centers with the Crue? I know I know, this is serious and thank fuck they all got better but please, for a second, let my fan girl fantasies run wild. Thank you. 

''Get out of here'' is a song I most relate to and not because I'd think it's the best song on the album. It isn't. by far. But the lyrics really speak to me, this part ''I used to be a dreamer but I realized that it's not my style at all. In fact it becomes clearer that a dreamer doesn't stand a chance at all…'' yeah that hits home. 

''With love'' is another great one. First look reminds me of a way people used to write their emails, letters, text messages? Is this still a thing? Or you just write ''xoxo''? I guess I don't know, I'm old fashioned I'd probably write something along the lines of ''eternaly yours'', I guess under a ton of black makeup and dark brooding exterior I am a sucker for romance. Had an argument with the family just the other day, their ''professional opinion'' was that I may look like a 16 yearold kid but  inside I'm a frustrated old woman. This came from my love of vinyl, film photography, vintage clothes, old cars and frankly old men, I blame you Sixx and Rose.  What is with me today, I can't stay on track at all, this song is obviously not about what I just rambled about. It's more about a war going on within you, finding and losing love, as well something we all struggle with at some point in our lives. 

Album closes with ''Róisín Dubh (Black Rose): A Rock Legend''. I believe this song is the song where the band is at their best and it really shows. It a mix of traditional and new and Rolling stone actually called this tune the best Irish rock song of all time. Cough whatcha gonna say about this Bono? Cough. I'm just kidding come on, I love U2. Most days anyways. But one thing is true, this is an epic song, a true masterpiece, that paints a great picture of Irish history, lyrics including names such as Van Morrison, James Joyce and Oscar Wilde. 

But this album is another Inxs story, Moore left the band out of the blue in 1979, the band did three more albums till they broke up in 1983, none were as big and of course to make matters worse Lynott died due to substance abuse. All that combined makes Black Rose the one true last masterpiece. It's sad you know, there's so many amazing musicians gone too fast, and you never get to hear what more they had to give because I am sure it was nothing short of spectacular. 

It's obviously a legendary album and worth keeping in any collection. My copy was my mothers, the savage that likes to write on vinyl covers and destroy inner sleeves. I live with animals I swear. But if nothing else, this proves she used to have a good music taste, I wonder what happened that now I sit in a car with her and listen to David Guetta and Shakira. Please pray for me. 

Okay, I might actually go spin this one for the first time ever, it's not like I have anything better to do these days. Have a great weekend guys, live it up, you know, in the privacy of your homes. Cheers.