Wild is the wind

''Wild, wild is the wind that takes me away from you. Cold is the night without your love to see me through. Wild, wild is the wind that blows through my heart tonight that tears us apart, wild is the wind...''

I'm sorry for being ''missing in action'' for so long guys. I've been real busy studying for my finals, one of which didn't go so well in the first place. It's been really difficult and I will honestly thank both god and the devil if I manage to get through at least with a positive grade. I've been having a bit of a tough time lately as is. A lot of difficult decisions to be made. The type that can change your life forever...I'm actually terrified to make the wrong one.

Though you know I actually believe there are no wrong choices, the choices you make are just choices, they don't define you. Sure you might take a wrong turn and get a little lost but isn't that just experience? Isn't that what makes you alive and human? Taking the wrong path and making a couple of mistakes is a part of life. I mean if you take no risks what will you do? Be static in one place, too afraid to live your life? It all makes sense doesn't it? But once you're actually standing on a crossroad trying to decide which way to go, things get a little harder. Following your heart sounds like a smart thing to do, but what do you do when your head and your heart don't see eye to eye. When in your heart you know what's right for you but in your mind it's not?

And what do you do if you get disappointed? If the outcome of the path you've chosen isn't what you were hoping for? Shouldn't that be just emotional evolution? Shouldn't that be something that makes you smarter, wiser, better? I mean I don't think you're doing yourself any favors when you decide against something you want to do because you're afraid of failing. How will you know if you never try? Would you rather spend all your life wondering ''what if'' or ''if only I would...'' doesn't seem like much of a life to me. So you fall down but you need to get back up and never stop fighting. Life like love is a battlefield and at the end of the day failure or disappointment is what gives you opportunity to redefine your life. Makes you more resiliant...

I think what we need to learn from ''bad'' choices is self forgiveness. Chances are nobody is going to be as hard on you as you are on yourself. But you can't always expect to be perfect...to make perfect choices...why not accept the beauty in imperfection and move on? What really is perfect anyways? Do you want perfection? Do you want life without a couple of bumps in the road? Life without challenges and obsticles...it might sound like a good thing but I have a feeling it would get boring pretty quickly.

And if you think about your ability to make a decision...to make one is supposed to be your birth right. Good or bad it's yours and you have the power to make it and the power to change something. How would you feel if those were taken away from you? Powerless? Suffocated? Lost? Traped? Not something I'd want to feel. I rather make mistakes and feel free and independent while doing them then being stuck and lost.

What would good choices feel like without the bad ones? When something goes wrong you learn to enjoy something that goes right that much more. It makes the victory about a million times better. It's just like that saying ''You don't know light without darkness, love without pain and courage without fear''. A couple of wrong turns make the finish line all the more sweeter. I suppose mistakes and a taste of victory after a few wrong turns is what inspires you to move forward, to do better, to be bolder and braver.

Bottom line there are no mistakes, there are no bad decisions, there are no wrong choices. All there is are experiences. Every ''wrong'' or ''bad'' in your life is just a learning opportunity. You decide if you want to learn from it or if you want it to drive you crazy. You are not your decisions, they don't define you as good or bad. If you learn to look at these things from a different perspective you can see them as gifts. Just ask yourself ''what did I learn?'' and listen to your heart, I do actually believe that all of us, deep down in our hearts, we know what's right for us, all we need to do is have courage, be kind, take charge, be brave and take responsibility. This life might not be perfect but it's yours and you decide should it be something you enjoy or something you regret.

All that aside...it doesn't help with my anxiety much, I'll still sit here driving myself half mad, worried, stressed out and paranoied if I'm doing the right thing, if I'm just losing time, it this is the right decision for me...and it doesn't help much that in my heart I know what I have to do. I'm still confused, but I rather try and fail then regret not doing anything for the rest of my life. Sometimes you just got to face your fears no matter how scared you are.

Either way before I drive myself completly insane...here's two of my latest works, and it's funny how all these emotions and stress is showing on my work. My drawings aren't half as good as they used to be and I hate that fact. Now excuse me while I go wrack my brain a little more and write a long list of pro's and con's, and possibly curse all the saints because the fact that I'm a Libra isn't helping in this particular situation...be brave Nikki, be brave, take charge, everything will be alright. Probably.

P.S. This month so far has been the birthday month for so many people I love and admire so Happy *late* birthday to my favorite boys Duff McKagan, Axl Rose, Tom Hiddleston, Vince Neil, Rachel Bolan, Vic Fuentes, The Rev and James Dean, thank you for all the happiness and comfort you give me.

''You need someone to hold you, somebody to be there night and day, someone to kiss your fears away. I just went on pretending, too weak, too proud, too tough to say I couldn't be the one to make your dreams come true, that's why I had to run, though I needed you, baby. Wild, wild is the wind that takes me away from you...''

Wild is the wind - Bon Jovi

Metallica, cara mia!

What did I do this week? Went to a beer fountain. The first one in Europe I've been told. Pretty amazing huh? Located in my old town. A town I miss sometimes to be honest. I miss it more then I'm willing to admit. Either way it's also a town known for it's hops so building a beer fountain in the middle of it is nothing but a great idea. Here's the deal, you buy a mug which you can later keep, it's microchipped and allows you to try 100ml of each of the 5 different types of beer. All different beer, three of them light, two dark. Of course let me point out this is not a place to get drunk at, it's a controlled envirovment meant purely for promoting the culture and history of this tiny town. Hopefully this means more tourists, more life in the city, more beer lovers in the city? It is in fact the very center of hop growing in this country. After all they already have a museum which offers hop picking demonstrations and beer tastings.

Cheers! Or ''Na zdravje'' as we say in Slovenia ;)

And what did I do today to cure a ''bad day'' and rainy blues? Stuff my face with waffles in my favorite hotel...seems a healthier option then drinking yourself into oblivion. Thing is sometimes I am just so done. SO done with people. I said this before I don't consider myself above everyone or the smartest or the best in everything but for fuck sake people are really getting unbearable. We are selling an apartment right, and everything inside that apartment and dealing with people who anwser your adds is becoming hard work. I know I know, don't let it get to you, it doesn't even matter. It really doesn't but when you get about 50 fucking emails and they're all fucking around with you. Which sane person wouldn't snap? I have things for free, I have things for symbolic price. Like three or five euros and these fucking idiots who let me point out NEVER saw me in their lives email me shit like ''will you drop the price if I tell you you're pretty?''. Are you fucking kidding me? What kinda sexist bullshit is that? It's offensive. You wouldn't say that to a man would you? Seriously fuck off. Then there's people who want to buy books for like five euros and have shipping included in that price. Which with our post means not only me giving them books for free but also paying for their shipping because it would cost a hell of a lot more then five euros. And then when I refuse I'm a ''rude bitch'' are you fucking kidding me?! Fuck all of you. Don't get me started on the furniture. So many people want it so many people are interested but they either want it for free or want me to deliver it. Is this a fucking joke? What the hell is the matter with you? So not only you want me to give you valueble stuff for free but you want me to literally deliver it too? Fuck off. I can't do this no more. I literally can NOT deal with this level of stupidity anymore. Is there no normal people left? Not even one?! God save me from this place before I loose my mind. Jesus christ. But alright, deep breath, calm down. It's not even worth it. Enough negativity, how about I share some quotes that I absolutely love by Charles Bukowski?

''There is a place in the heart that will never be filled; a space. And even during the best moments, and the greatest times, we will know it.''

''Human relationships are strange. I mean, you are with one person a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together, and then it stops.''

''Something else is hurting you - that’s why you need pot or whiskey, or whips and rubber suits, or screaming music turned so f*cking loud you can’t think.''

''The area dividing the brain and the soul is affected in many ways by experience. Some lose all mind and become soul: insane. Some lose all soul and become mind: intellectual. Some lose both and become: accepted.''

''Stop insisting on clearing your head — clear your fucking heart instead.''

''The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.''

Perfect aren't they? And speaking of perfect...this just came out...

And trust me when I say this it is absolutely amazing. Pain is so relatable to me I fell in love with it the moment I heard it. But either way the entire record is amazing. I absolutely adore it, maybe not as much as Restoring force but that doesn't mean it's not just as good if not even better. Give it a chance sometime it really is a good album. Now excuse me while I turn it up and sob because they're coming to Europe and I'm going to have to miss them. I hate it. *sigh* Enjoy the weekend guys, don't let the rain get you down ;)

What the future holds.

I was just sitting on my bed, watching a romantic movie, everything was so sweet, so perfect, so happy...and it made me so miserable. I know movies are movies but why can't life be like that sometimes? Happy. Nothing but sunshine. Rainbows, glitter and cupcakes. Why can't there be more love? All people really do is hate. Why can't there be more understanding? More acceptance, more peace? I'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic yes. I'm aware I wish for things that may be impossible...but wouldn't it be nice though? Just imagine, a world without hate, religion, powerty, hunger, sickness, war, money even. Everyone has everything, everyone is happy, everyone is loved...isn't that the world you want to live in? I know I do. I want people around me who love me for me, people who actually care, people who do things because they want to not becasue they have some sort of use from it. People that are nice and caring and selfless and just real. Not people that will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around. I said 2016 will be better, but here we are more then a half of it over and it's just as fucked as all the rest were. Maybe less then 2008 and 2013 but still. It sucks. And because of that I know 2017 has to be better. HAS to be. Or I might loose the last bits of sanity I may or may not have. Hey! I said may or may not. Hah.

Here's the deal I want more self esteem, I wish to be braver and bolder. I know I'm smart enough and hard working enough for whatever I set my mind to but I'm just not brave enough. I think I'm so scared of failing it's keeping me back from trying in the first place. That has to change. I need to start taking chances and actually living. What's life if you're only playing it safe? I want more motivation. There's so much that I want to do and so little motivation to do it. Everything seems so far away, out of my reach and impossible, like reaching for the stars. It isn't. It just feels that way. I want more excitment for my future. And this is a hard one. It's hard getting excited when life is so unsure. Times are tough, things are fucked up, what is there to be excited about? I don't know, but I plan on figuring out. I plan on finding stuff that will make me excited. I want more hopes and dreams. Life may be tough but what is living without dreams? Nothing is out of reach if you are willing to fight for it. I want this tattooed on my god damn forehead to make it sink in. The only limitations there are are the ones we put on ourselves. I need to stop doing that. I need to believe in myself more. If I don't who the fuck will? I want more emotional stability. Things throw me out of balance so easy. I may not show it but I get hurt real easy. And upset, and stressed and it sucks. Sometimes I feel like it's eating me alive and I'm not so sure how much more I can take. In 2017 I don't want one single sad tear, only happy ones. Optimistic I know but nothing is impossible. I want more courage, more hugs, more love. Why don't we tell our loved ones that we love them more often? We can wake up someday and it's too late and we're left with all these regrets...why can't we learn to love better? I want more random acts of kindness...the waitress was really nice? Tip her. The waitress has a bad day but is trying? Tip her. Help someone who needs help. Donate to a charity, pet a dog or a cat. Be more human for fuck sake. I want more concert tickets. Music makes me happy, music makes sense, it makes everything better and it makes life worth living. I want more of that. I want more happiness in my life. I want more traveling. Traveling is learning and growing. It's like writing a new chapter in your book. I have too many empty pages. I want to fill them up. I want new cities, countries, cultures. I want to learn and grow...I want more social skills, I suck at those, comunicating with people? Not my strong side. I wish I was better at it I really do and on the other hand I wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone. Too much stupidity and I honestly can't handle it. I feel like it's dragging me down to their level and that is not a place I want to be at. I want to be healthier, prettier, smarter and bottom line happier. All that what I just listed means shit if you're not happy. I don't want irrational things, all the things I want are simple they just seem impossible to reach from where I stand right now. But life changes, people change, things change that's at least one thing that is certain in life. It won't always be bad, the wheel will always spin back and things will get better. It's only up to us to be strong and fight through whatever shit storm we're thrown into. Guys, remember be your own fucking superheroes, make your own god damn reality, you can do whatever the fuck you want to, you just got to believe in yourselves. Don't let anyone or anything stop you, people are that way, they want to see you fail. So don't let them. Fight for it and do whatever the hell you want to because honestly life is too short to waste it on the wrong people, the wrong job, the wrong life.