We don't have to say goodbye

I believe there are different types of heartbreak, because there are different types of love. Like, falling in love with someone you can't have...in those cases you don't need alcohol and smokes to kill you in twenty plus years, you'll be dying daily. Or heartbreak when you lose your best friend, due to an accident, or due to them stabbing you in the back as soon as you turn around. Heartbreak when someone you trust unconditionally breaks that trust and betrays you. Heartbreak when you lose something, someone you really love. And the most obvious one, the heartbreak when things go wrong with the person you thought was your happily ever after...

It's a different heartbreak I'm going into in this post though...

As I stated before, I grew up with rock n' roll music. I love it, no doubt about it. But there was a different type of music that will always be my favorite as well. Punk rock, pop punk type of music. Rock n' roll, old rock, classic rock, hard rock, metal, heavy metal...that was my parents influence. I listened to all their favorite bands because I didn't know different. I'm not complaining of course, they raised me on the best music out there, made me appreciate artists that not only made amazing music but changed history. Artists like Chuck Berry who literally IS rock n' roll...

When I got a bit older, at around 11 or 12 years old I strayed from that path a little and discovered my own music that I enjoyed. Like Simple plan. They are a band I grew up with, a band I love differently and more then all the rest. But don't worry this is not about them...again. Hah. This is about another band I loved for a long time...

Yellowcard

They announced they are breaking up in June 2016 and believe me that was a knife straight to the heart. One more album, one more tour and then goodbye forever. I'm having a hard time coping with that not going to lie. I didn't get to see them live, didn't get that ''last goodbye'' maybe that's why it hurts that much more.

There used to be a time when I was so lost and their lyrics made me feel so much better...lyrics such as...

''Maybe someday I will see you again. And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.''

''Everything is gonna be alright, be strong. Believe. Think about the love inside the strength of heart.''

''I just want to tell you so you know. Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you. You are my only one. I let go, there's just no one that gets me like you do.''

''We're looking up at the same night sky. And keep pretending the sun will not rise. Be together for one more night. Somewhere, somehow.''

''Cause I feel like I'm inside out. You got me upside down. Maybe I was holding on too tight. Even if I wanted to. I don't think that I'd get to you.''

''Yes I miss you still and probably always will. I'm living with a busted heart that I will have until I find the strength I know it's somewhere in my bones, to pull the curtain up again and get on with this show.''

''Say tomorrow, I can't follow you there. Just close your eyes and sing for me, I will hear you always near you and I'll give you the words, just sing for me. No looking back when I am gone follow your heart, it's never wrong, no looking back when I am gone don't second guess the note you're on. Out of time all out of fight you are the only thing in life that I got right.''

I am just heartbroken. So many good memories and some not so good tied to these lyrics, those songs. My best friend and I would lie on the roof of his garage at night during the summer, drinking cheap wine and talk about our future like we knew what we're going to do or where we're going to go. We used to talk about space and love and music and people. Everything and nothing really. And it's the only thing I miss in life. Wasting time with my best friend.

It just...hurts. That's all there is to it. I watched their last video this morning and well if it didn't feel final then it sure does now. The video was their last goodbye.

“Just sing your hearts out, I know it hurts. I see you. But please keep singing.”

That's what Ryan said, it brought on both tears and a smile. At the end of the day, despite how much it hurts this is what they want, they know why, and I respect that. If they are happy so am I. It's going to hurt like hell and I will miss them like crazy but like he said ''keep singing''. If I ever get lonely I know all I got to do is take my Ipod and you'll be right there.

So how do you say goodbye to a band that defined you? A band that has been there for you all through your teen years? A band you screamed the lyrics along to when some local bands played their covers...a band that got you into this type of music, helped you meet a lot of amazing people. A simple thank you could never be enough. But let me try anyways...

Thank you Ryan, Sean, Dez and Josh for always being a constant in my life, thank you for showing me a whole new world of music. Thank you for making me love something new and different. Thank you for helping me become who I am today. Thank you for helping me create the best memories with people I won't ever forget. Thank you for all the friendships you helped me make. Thank you for the careless, reckless, free summer nights. Thank you for the music, for the lyrics, for all the laughter and happiness. Thank you for everything you gave us, you may be ''gone'' not but you won't ever be replaced. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You feel it, you boxed it by the youth you left behind. Does anybody see you anymore? But if we can get free, there's a big bright world to see, forget about the way it felt before.

Try to breathe the air that's here and now try to find some peace in falling out.

We don't have to say goodbye but we can't get lost in time, I'll be yours and you'll be mine, maybe in another life.

''I don't know where I'm going from here but I promise it won't be boring''

I've been saying goodbye lately A LOT. And I don't like it one bit. So many private goodbyes that I don't want to talk about right now and so many other goodbyes. From people I like and admire. Like Motley Crue, I know that aint the same but still. And then Scott Weiland. And Lemmy which was painfull and hard to deal with and I'm still not comfortable thinking about the fact that he's gone for good. And then today. David Bowie. I don't have much to say because I'm still shocked. Still processing. I remember the first time I listened to him. I have 3 records my mother gave me. They used to be hers. She bought each same month it came out. I wasn't much of a fan at first, I listened to Tonight and I just felt like it's not his best work. But then I put on Scary Monsters... and that was something else. I don't even know what it was the fact that it somehow for some reason reminded me of Pink Floyd. The voice, the music. I don't know but I loved it. Over the years he was always in my itunes playlists. I remember watching ''The perks of being a wallflower'' with my friends and being literally the only one who knew the ''tunnel song''. It just happened to be one of my favorites by Bowie. Today I'm angry and sad and broken. I wish everyone was vampires and immortal. I know in a way they all are. I know they live on through their music but that's not really the same. It's not just an artist you lose, it's an extraordinary human being, family, a friend. And it's sad as hell. The heavens and the stars will look very different today. Rest easy Starman you will be missed tremendously. Hope you and Freddie are together again, having fun up there watching us idiots suffer here. Truth to be told heaven's got most of the best musicians by now. Thank you for everything, rest in peace.

And we can be heroes just for one day.

Say I got trouble, trouble in my eyes. I'm just looking for another good time.

I carry my crucifix under my deathlist. Forward my mail to me in hell. Liars and the martyrs. Lost faith in the Father. Long lost is the wishing well. Wild side. Fallen Angels. So fast to kill. Thy kingdom come on the wild side. Our father who ain't in heaven. Be thy name on the wild side. Holy Mary. Mother may I. Pray for us on the wild side.

There's a lot of thoughts in my head right now. Some worth sharing and some...well let's just say it's a good thing none of y'all can read minds. Hah. I want to talk about inspiration for a bit. What inspires you? Is it art? Poetry? Music? Paintings? Photography? People? Love? Laughter? There's so many things that inspire me. Sometimes I'd sit in front of a blank piece of paper not knowing what to do with myself and sometimes I couldn't stop my hands from drawing like crazy or clicking that camera button. I never believed in huge fancy digital cameras by the way. Sure it's nice to have it, sure the photo quality is beyond amazing but it doesn't matter, DSLR, pocket camera or even a cellphone, what matters is that you capture the moment because once it's gone, it's gone forever. I find inspiration in blogs, tumblr, pintrest, people across the world are so talented, they do such creative, crazy amazing things I find myself going through them for hours. I find inspiration in good books. Those books that just suck you in and you can't put them down till you've come to the end of it, because it's so good, that you're so lost in it and it feels almost as if the world around you has melted away. I get inspired by risk, people who are brave to jump in not knowing how things will end but they don't care, they want something bad enough and they just go for it. Courage inspires me. I get inspired by my favorite photographers, they can capture a moment so perfectly that I just stop and stare at a picture for a really long time, studying the light, the shadows, every little detail, every part of it, it's all put together so perfectly. I get inspired by dogs. They are always happy, positive, willing to trust people. Dogs understand life and see beauty and happiness in the smallest things. I find inspiration in traveling, discovering a new city, culture, people, food, vibes, it's amazing. I find inspiration in love, the stronger the better. Nothing is more inspiring then a couple that's been through a storm but they still keep on going because on the end of the day love is stronger then anything. I get inspired by Claude Monet every stroke of his brush, every color, every picture that he painted, they are absolutely beautiful. I get inspired by Salvador Dali, his eccentricity, his general behavior like he doesn't give a flying fuck about what other people think of him and his art, everything that seems to be a random mess of things yet so carefully put together to paint a completly different picture if only you look at it from the right angle. I am inspired by The Bang Bang Club and their work it's nothing short of amazing. I'm inspired by movies, tv shows, special effects done in those movies, when things that aren't real, come to life and seem completly realistic. I'm inspired by amazing makeup artists, that turn people into Orcs, zombies, dragons, vampires, warewolves...I'm inspired by life itself, human body is so amazing, every single cell has it's function and ability to repair itself, grow, function. I'm inspired by the ocean, how over 90% of it remains undiscovered. *Yet people still tell me god is real and mermaids aren't? Fuck this shit.* I'm inspired by space. Think about it, we live on a rock, circling around a huge fire ball and we have no clue what is beyond our own galaxy, if there are others, if we're alone or not. It's pretty damn amazing. I'm inspired by NASA, the work they do, the discoveries they make. If I was smarter, or just better at math, physics, chemistry, I'd want to work there someday. I get inspired by a smile, of people I like, the little light in their eyes when they smile, it's amazing. I get inspired by someone who battles a sickness, depression, abuse, whatever else, and they want to give up but keep going instead. I get inspired by motorcycles. Funny I know but I do, nothing like the sound of a Harley, the gliding on the street, when it and the road are one, nothing like the wind on your face and the freedom you feel.

And biggest most important inspiration. Music. Nothing makes me as happy, calm, collected, free, inspired, loved, strong as my music does. Nothing taught me as much as music did. Nothing makes me happier then bands do. Nothing beats the excitment of a new record, of a concert, the rush you feel when you're in the same room with them screaming the lyrics on the top of your lungs with thousands of people that are just the same, that feel the same...that moment in the song when the singer stops singing and lets the crowd do it instead and the smile on their face when the crowd is so loud to drown out the music itself. I learned that the more I know about people the more people I meet the less I like them. I prefer sitting in my room, listening to a good record then go out and be around...humans. They're horrible I swear. They judge, act superior, force their opinions down on you, tell you what you should do, what you should wear, who you should be. It's madness, what I do, who I love, who I hate, what I like, what I am is my own business not anyone elses. Just because you're ''invited'' in my life doesn't give you the right to judge, slander, change the way I live. If you don't like it there's always the door, you're free to walk out. But don't you dare telling me what I like, love, hate, feel, is wrong because we are nothing alike and thank god because I don't want to be like any of you. I am me, not perfect, but I am happy with the person I am. All the flaws combined. I'm hot headed and temparamental and sometimes my mouth runs faster then my brain but that is not an indication of who I am as a person. Not an indication of my character and certainly not my personality. Keep in mind my attitude is based off how you treat me not off of who I am. But god I'm off topic now. Music. I was talking about music. Turns out I've been having a harder time coping with one of my favorite bands breaking up then I thought. I can hear my mothers voice in my head right now saying ''stop with the drama, they are not dead'' well yes THEY are not dead but the band is dead and that's just as bad. It's no secret that Dr. Feelgood is one of my favorite records of all times. A record you put in and just listen from start to finish, every chord, note, voice on it is just perfect. And I love it way too much. It's probably unhealthy how much. Hah. I've heard all the songs on it about a million times but if I need something to make me feel better well that record is the anwser ''She goes down'' always makes me chuckle as well as ''Rattlesnake shake'' which for some bizarre reason makes me think of Axl Rose and his serpentine dance. Point is it's been less then 4 days and I'm a sobbing mess thinking of them. I miss them. I miss that I won't ever see them again...All good things come to an end I suppose. I do wish them all the happiness in the world, lord knows there's nobody who I'd want to be happier then them. If nothing else we always have the music and I'm super excited about the guys solo projects. Specially the new Sixx:AM I know it's gonna be badass. In the mean time words of advice only real Crue heads will understand ''be the knife''. Seriously fuck everyone who upsets you, brings you down, says you can't do something. Fuck all of them. They don't matter. If you set your mind to something and you want it bad enough. It'll happen. You just got to be willing to work and fight for it. So in the words of a very smart man ''be the fucking knife''. My hero. My biggest inspiration.

R.I.P. Motley Crue 1981 - 2015