What the future holds.

I was just sitting on my bed, watching a romantic movie, everything was so sweet, so perfect, so happy...and it made me so miserable. I know movies are movies but why can't life be like that sometimes? Happy. Nothing but sunshine. Rainbows, glitter and cupcakes. Why can't there be more love? All people really do is hate. Why can't there be more understanding? More acceptance, more peace? I'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic yes. I'm aware I wish for things that may be impossible...but wouldn't it be nice though? Just imagine, a world without hate, religion, powerty, hunger, sickness, war, money even. Everyone has everything, everyone is happy, everyone is loved...isn't that the world you want to live in? I know I do. I want people around me who love me for me, people who actually care, people who do things because they want to not becasue they have some sort of use from it. People that are nice and caring and selfless and just real. Not people that will stab you in the back as soon as you turn around. I said 2016 will be better, but here we are more then a half of it over and it's just as fucked as all the rest were. Maybe less then 2008 and 2013 but still. It sucks. And because of that I know 2017 has to be better. HAS to be. Or I might loose the last bits of sanity I may or may not have. Hey! I said may or may not. Hah.

Here's the deal I want more self esteem, I wish to be braver and bolder. I know I'm smart enough and hard working enough for whatever I set my mind to but I'm just not brave enough. I think I'm so scared of failing it's keeping me back from trying in the first place. That has to change. I need to start taking chances and actually living. What's life if you're only playing it safe? I want more motivation. There's so much that I want to do and so little motivation to do it. Everything seems so far away, out of my reach and impossible, like reaching for the stars. It isn't. It just feels that way. I want more excitment for my future. And this is a hard one. It's hard getting excited when life is so unsure. Times are tough, things are fucked up, what is there to be excited about? I don't know, but I plan on figuring out. I plan on finding stuff that will make me excited. I want more hopes and dreams. Life may be tough but what is living without dreams? Nothing is out of reach if you are willing to fight for it. I want this tattooed on my god damn forehead to make it sink in. The only limitations there are are the ones we put on ourselves. I need to stop doing that. I need to believe in myself more. If I don't who the fuck will? I want more emotional stability. Things throw me out of balance so easy. I may not show it but I get hurt real easy. And upset, and stressed and it sucks. Sometimes I feel like it's eating me alive and I'm not so sure how much more I can take. In 2017 I don't want one single sad tear, only happy ones. Optimistic I know but nothing is impossible. I want more courage, more hugs, more love. Why don't we tell our loved ones that we love them more often? We can wake up someday and it's too late and we're left with all these regrets...why can't we learn to love better? I want more random acts of kindness...the waitress was really nice? Tip her. The waitress has a bad day but is trying? Tip her. Help someone who needs help. Donate to a charity, pet a dog or a cat. Be more human for fuck sake. I want more concert tickets. Music makes me happy, music makes sense, it makes everything better and it makes life worth living. I want more of that. I want more happiness in my life. I want more traveling. Traveling is learning and growing. It's like writing a new chapter in your book. I have too many empty pages. I want to fill them up. I want new cities, countries, cultures. I want to learn and grow...I want more social skills, I suck at those, comunicating with people? Not my strong side. I wish I was better at it I really do and on the other hand I wish everyone would leave me the fuck alone. Too much stupidity and I honestly can't handle it. I feel like it's dragging me down to their level and that is not a place I want to be at. I want to be healthier, prettier, smarter and bottom line happier. All that what I just listed means shit if you're not happy. I don't want irrational things, all the things I want are simple they just seem impossible to reach from where I stand right now. But life changes, people change, things change that's at least one thing that is certain in life. It won't always be bad, the wheel will always spin back and things will get better. It's only up to us to be strong and fight through whatever shit storm we're thrown into. Guys, remember be your own fucking superheroes, make your own god damn reality, you can do whatever the fuck you want to, you just got to believe in yourselves. Don't let anyone or anything stop you, people are that way, they want to see you fail. So don't let them. Fight for it and do whatever the hell you want to because honestly life is too short to waste it on the wrong people, the wrong job, the wrong life.

Yeah you such a badass baby, you walk the wire and you play with fire.

Hey bro, take it slow you ain't livin' in a video, you're flying low with a high velocity. No doubt, you're stressin' out, that ain't what rock n' roll's about. Get off that one way trip down lonely street.

Now I know you've been kicked around you ain't alone in this ugly town. You stick a needle in your arm, you bite the dust, you buy the farm...

I had a really tough week. Really tough. A lot has been happening. I was all over the place, my emotions were all over the place. I felt like I'll go insane. Maybe partly I am. There's no other explanation. Either everyone around me is or I am. I know I know shut up. But you know what pulled me back together when things were really hard?

This song did...

It's excatly how I felt and it's excatly the kick in the ass I needed. Of course everything is going to be alright. Of course things get tough sometimes but that's no reason to give up. It's a reason to fight harder. I still believe that if you want something bad enough and you're willing to work for it you can have it someday. The sky is the fucking limit fuck everyone who tells you you can't do it.

I also came to another realization. I've been selling myself short all my fucking life. What for? I mean what the fuck is the matter with me? Isn't it enough that other people keep putting me down then I have to do it myself as well? Uh oh honey no more. It took me forever but I realized the only one who needs to believe in me is me. And I realized I should never settle or stay somewhere because I'm comfortable. I don't want to be comfortable. I want to live and experience things. Good ones, bad ones, it's all a part of life. And most important I realized is that I am enough. I deserve someone who will fight for me. I deserve someone who will love me as much as I love them, someone who will care, see all the good parts in me that I sometimes fail to see. I deserve respect and fuck I deserve to be somebody's first choice. I deserve someone who will not give up and walk out on me when things get hard. I know that. And I want that. I will not settle for anything less because why should I? Life is too short to spend it in lousy company or god forbid with someone who doesn't love you.

Another thing I also learned just recently that I want to share with you guys. If friends don't treat you right. Fuck them. There's plenty other people out there. You don't need to be around people that make you feel uncomfortable, that use you, that are never there for you. Don't miss them, you're not missing out. Life has better plans for you. I used to drive myself crazy over this but now thanks to my hero, Mr. Axl Rose I learned an important lesson. There's two types of people on this planet, those who like me and those who can kindly fuck off. He is absolutely right. Why the fuck should I stress myself? I rather focus my attention on people who are worth it.

Then there's another thing that's been driving me mad. There's this asshole giving me a speech how feminism is making him uncomfortable. Like bitch are you fucking kidding me? I couldn't care less if feminism is making you uncomfortable when men make me uncomfortable on a daily basis. Do you think I wear shorts to get cat calls, whistles, disgusting comments? No I wear them because it's fucking hot. Not for your viewing pleasure. Women are not sexual objects get that into your thick skulls will you? This has been driving me mad for such a long time. Why are we slut shaming women instead of teaching men how to respect them? The fuck is that about? You know what? Enough. I'll just get pissed off if I go here again. And I've been stressed enough lately. Don't need no more stress in my life.

When is life ever that easy? Of course it isn't. I thought about some stuff. How far we've fallen. This country I mean. Our future. Our economy, our jobs...I'm almost 24 and I have no fucking idea what I want to do with my life. I mean I have dreams, I have goals and I will fight for them but all that aside. I have no fucking idea what to do. Then it hit me. All I really want is to finish school, the sooner the better. The job I get might not be my dream job but I'll enjoy it anyways. This job pays enough to cover everything I might need, along with art, music, concerts, travel...my bills are never overdue, money is not a thought in my head. I am not stressing about it everyday. I have a place to live, so do my dogs or cats, or both. It's a nice, cosy place, decorated just the way I like it and it's mine. Maybe I have some plants and neighbors I actually like.My bookshelves are always full so are my record cabinets. I have some time to read, draw, paint, photograph, enjoy music at the end of the day. I meet up with friends over the weekends, we take time off, we travel, we see concerts together. We've got time and money to do it. They love me, I love them, there's no backstabbing, no using, no lies, no bullshit. Just love. There's no violence in the world, no wars, no hate. Just love. I can travel wherever I want, without worrying something might happen. I see new places, meet new people, experience new culture. I learn and grow. I am independent, content and above all I am free.

This is all I want from life. All I'd ever want from life. And it's so fucked up that the basic things every human being deserves are things we end up dreaming about because they seem so far out of reach. It's crazy isn't it?

Well let's finish this on a high note. Here's a little piece I did this past week. The one and only King of Rock n Roll, Elvis Presley. I love him, he's brilliant, he's the King. Nobody will ever be like him or even up to his ankles. And don't you dare fight me on this. You will loose.

Enjoy your weekend guys. I know I will. NOT. Spring cleaning and studying. Not sure which one makes me want to put a bullet in my skull more. *sigh*...If you're out there partying, drinking, having fun...do it for me as well, please. Stay safe, take care of one another. See y'all on monday!

C'mon girl, it's a better day get your foot out of that grave, don't let that one love tear your world apart... C'mon babe, kick that stuff show the street it ain't so tough, quit lyin' around with a crippled, broken heart.

Now I know you've been seeing red don't put a pistol to your head, sometimes your answer's heaven sent, your way is so damn permanent.

Just take this song, and you'll never feel left all alone.

I'm just a thorn in your side the disrespect in your eye, I can't control myself. I'm like the snake in your drain I'm taking over your brain, cause I can't help myself. Every time I turn my head I can hear everything that said I know they wish I'd go away...

Here I am again, hey now, hey now, I'm the Mother Fucker Of The Year.

Call me the jackal in heat, the blackest cat on the street, you better watch yourself. A hand grenade with no pin, a razor blade going in, I'm going straight to hell. Every time I turn my head I can hear everything that said I know they wish I'd go away...

I had one of those dreams tonight. You know the ones that are so realistic you spend half an hour in the morning thinking what the fuck happened. Let's not go into details...hot, sexy, sweaty details...those are probably not for everyone's eyes hah but it was insane. Seriously. I woke up staring at my ceiling, grinning like a fool till it hit me ''you were just dreaming, you idiot''. Oh well it was still perfect. I never knew that dreams can be so...vivid. Crazy. Anyways, did y'all enjoy your weekend? Mine was pretty...relaxed. As much as it could be between work and the fangirling that is my daily life lately with all these Guns N' Roses videos and pictures. I had forgot to breathe a couple of times in the process. Speaking of, there's someone who once told me he doesn't understand me. How can I get so involved. It's just music he said. Just background noise. EXCUSE YOU?! I think about what Lemmy would tell him and it wouldn't be nice. Hah. Seriously if music makes you feel nothing then you listen to the wrong kind or there is something very wrong with you my friend. Are there actually people out there who see music as ''noise''? For me it goes through my entire body, into my bones, courses through my blood, makes my hairs stand up, gives me goose bumps, the sweaty hot loud venues are home. I couldn't be happier anywhere and nothing could make me feel more alive. There's nothing that would give me an instant smile or make me feel as safe and happy as my favorite bands do. Are there really people out there who don't understand - have that? I don't see myself as the weird one ''this is my music I love it loud'' as Kiss would say there's no changing me it's who I am. But I do feel sorry for them. Being a part of a fandom a ''family'' is amazing, having something you can be as devoted to is amazing. Music is amazing because when it hits you, you feel no pain. I could never really explain the feeling. You have to feel it to understand it. Point I'm trying to make is that I just really don't understand people sometimes. And it wouldn't be an issue because I smile and turn away but they...they feel it's their place to slander, talk shit, offend, get rude towards me for something I like. Now listen to me bitch, I am not here to please the ignorant. I will not apologize for liking what I like. You don't like my favorite band, that's completly okay, you don't have to. But what you do have to is show respect. Do you really think you have ANY right to come up to me and talk shit about them? You think you have any right to slander them on my social media accounts? What the fuck did you think will happen? That I'll smile and play along? Well sugar then you just don't know me. I'm not the type to do that. I protect what I love and I have zero tolerance for bullshit. So please in the future...stay on your sites, post as much hate and bullshit you like but keep it away from me or there will be hell to pay. You will burn under my wrath. I promise you that much.

Alright. Record time. I'm posting these in no particular order by the way....

We all know the story about Theatre don't we? Or the recording process? Yeah I'm not a fan of that. But have you ever took a moment to actually think about something...Nikki is a god damn genius. All the lyrics are written by him. And I think that is absolutely amazing. Some people think lyrics are not important *coughidiotscough* but to me a song needs a story, I can't listen to songs about butts and say it's a good song. Again, what is the matter with people?? Alright so Theatre is supposed to be Crue's ''weakest album''. My grandmother once said Vince sounds like a tortured cat on it. You can imagine how happy I was about that. Though...I mean, it came after Shout, the band was absolutely fucked from touring, from partying, from drugs and alcohol and it shows. I suppose the album is decent enough, more radio friendly? Idk maybe I'm not so fond of it because of the back story? Nikki's excessive heroin abuse, Vince's drinking...It might have put Crue on the top of the charts but I just don't feel what I feel with Girls or Feelgood. Home sweet home is amazing. Love the video too. Smoking in the boys room is an awesome cover. Louder Than Hell, City Boy Blues, Use it or lose it are my favorites others might as well be described as fillers. They're good but they're not what they could be. You know what I mean? But then again after the perfection that is Shout and being haunted by so many demons at once it's no wonder it's not perfect. Maybe it's missing that Crue sound this one feels too ''pop''. Either way still amazing job on the drums, on the guitar, the bass, the lyrics, the vocals. All of it is great. Nowhere as near as good as Feelgood but great non the less. If you're a Crue fan you'll enjoy it either way, if not then I'd suggest you go with the Doctor first and then we'll talk.

Save our souls for the heavens, for a life so good it sure feels bad, save our souls for the heavens, save our souls for the promised land.