“All is fair in love and war, bollito.”

I'm a little late to the party…explaining what that crazy thing I was up to was. Well change of plan, I know y'all will be disappointed but I decided some things best remain hidden and not talked about when there's no need. All I can say on the subject is that sometimes I can be so fucking stupid and I have more luck than brain. That's all. And sometimes I'd damn well need someone to tell me I'm being stupid and to stop. Would I listen? Probably not…but still…I might at least reconsider my life choices. 

Second thing! The art thing I didn't wanna talk about earlier. I can now! Seriously calm your tits it's not THAT exciting but I'm still pretty damn proud. Alright so, one of my literally favourite pieces which came from last years Inktober, was featured in a magazine. It's a magazine that is created by the homless, they contribute pictures, poems, articles and sell it to make a living. Sometimes outsiders like me get to contribute and I got to do it, next to one of my favourite authors and a friend. So yeah in the bigger picture not such a big deal but I am overly excited and it's a big deal for me. Plus how freakin badass does it look printed? Uh I can just see what wonderful postcards it would make…if only someone (just one) would understand my print vision. 

With that out of the way I'm going to tell you about this book I read and fell in love with. It's not over the top. It's not the amazing Martin type fantasy world. It's not Lord of the rings or Hemingway. It's shallow and silly b ut my god so cute and sappy. And my hopless romantic Italian blood sometimes needs just that to get through not just the day but life. 

This book has the biggest ''oh my god I wish that was me'' energy. Really. Seriously. Totally. Because (and lets be honest ladies) who doesn't wish they had a Clark Kent look alike co worker that was secretly in love with them. And willing to go to your sisters wedding all the way in Spain as a fake boyfriend because your ex is engaged and you don't want your family's pity? Someone who buys you five tacos when you only ask for four and loves Disney movies? Someone who is stupidly romantic and says sappy shit like ''you feel complete in my arms, you feel like home''. Nobody touch me, nobody breath my way, I'm very emotional right now. Sigh. 

Before we move on, I included my favourite memories from Spain here. Since the book is in fact happening in Spain. Well part of it anyways. I was there in 2013? I think…For me Barcelona was love on first sight. Of course my heart will always belong to Italy (obviously) but Spain is something else. Sangria alone is worth it. Lol. Why do I hear Blake Shelton playin in my head? No but really, the ocean, the vibe, the city life, the passion and emotion, everything. Spain is something else. If you get the chance…go. It's amazing. So on the pic below, besides the book that is…Absinthe which is the reason for a lot of bad choices in Spain lol, a paperweight I got in aquarium Barcelona which is…oh my god…and stuff from beaches. I did mention I love the ocean right? I miss it so much these days…sigh. Enjoy some beachy pics as well while I salivate and curse the cruel fate that keeps me away from lying on a beach. Or you know, naked, somewere in Europe, on a Yacht with a Mai-tai. But here I am instead *facepalm*. 

Second thing before we get to the actual review. I will tear all y'all heartless motherfuckers hearts out with the whole ''stupid, boring, overhyped'' crap. Who invented this whole ''overhyped'' bullshit? Seriously? Can't people be hyped up about something they like anymore? And also who gave you the right to tell others when they can and can't be hyped up? And also unrelated but my god you must be a bitter lonely jackass if a little romance makes you this ill. 

Now…SPOILERS ABOVE, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ AND PLAN ON MOVE ALONG.

Seriously I'm crying. Like. This book. I don't always want to over think, sometimes I want to shut up my mind and get lost in something cute, something different, something that gives me some peace of mind and some hope that there still are nice things left on this planet. That hope is dying bit by bit though that much is clear but stories like this one…they make it a little more alive. You know how people have ''comfort food''? I don't. But I have comfort read and this is it. This book cured my mental illness and added about 20 years to my lifespan. 

Elena, bestie, thank you so much for this cutsey masterpiece, I loved it from the first page to the last, also thank you to the one who gifted this book to me, guessing correctly that I will absolutely adore it. I go all soft as is for a enemies to lovers type romance. It's everything I crave.

Now what's the story actually about. A girl Catalina. How beautiful is that name? Who I can relate to a lot. Clumsy. Yup. Has no filter and blurts out stupid things at the wrong times? Yup. Loves Game of thrones and Twilight? Fuck yes. And a boy. Aaron. Sigh. Oh Aaron. All broody, dark, Edward Cullenish tpye of man. Which is enough to make me swoon tbh. So Catalina and Aaron are co workers in NYC and they obviously do not like each other. Well so it seems, at first glance. The oldest trick in the book aint it? Those who hate each other actually love each other? Or something like that anyway. 

So Catalina does something stupid (yeah I hear ya Lina I hear ya) and tells her family that she will bring a date to her sisters wedding. A boyfriend. In order to get them off her back about being single. Problem here is that Lina does not have a boyfriend. And a neven bigger problem is that the one who offers to help her with pretending to be one is the one she can't stand. 

Seriously the whole enemies to lovers may seem over used and flat but it really isn't. It's far more complex, and interesting and it's a ''I can't put the book down and it's suddenly four in the morning'' type thing. But I am so getting ahead of myself lets go back to the begining. Lina is in NYC building a career, she's super proud of (and rightfully so), and she's there because she fled Spain after a personal disaster. What was the disaster? I aint giving everything away. Read the damn book. Lol. 

And Aaron…sometimes you'd wanna strangle him, other times you'd dream about wishing there was an Aaron in your life. I don't know why but reading about him, the looks mainly, all I saw in my head was Henry Cavill. I don't know if something is wrong with my head and all I see everywhere is Henry, or those gorgeous blue eyes, dark locks, body build to die for…is in fact very Henry like. Seriously have you seen that man's jaw? It could cut apples no joke. So Aaron, each time when he's anywhere near Catalina he's sarcastic or arrogant or downright rude, then he surprises you with little details he knows, and you see he's actually paying attention. Either to her, or just what she's saying, even if to someone else. And if that doesn't make your heart beat faster…a man that actually listens? Sigh. 

Aaron is an enigma, tense, on edge, nervous, cranky, he is the one who offers Lina to go with her to the wedding and quite honestly you have to wonder why the hell would he do that. His words and behaviour are literally all over the place (worse than PMS) but it all comes together in the end in a delicious kinda way that makes your insides warm and gooey. 

The whole writing style btw, it's light, it's witty and in the end? A little bit steamy not going to lie! Come on, lets not fool ourselves that we don't enjoy those down and dirty (onthekitchencounter) scenes. 

I'm going to cry again if I go into the whole story of a crazy Spanish family and a man willing to put up with it with a smile because she is worth it. Ahhh the cutness! The story will keep the readers on the edge of their seats with Lina's adorable craziness and the mess she has gotten herself into and it will make you not want to put the book down, needing to know just what the hell is Aarons deal. You can tell how un used to happy endings I am, I literally expected a plot twist in which we learn he's an asshole. Spoiler alert? He isn't. The entire lets pretend we're dating? He did it because he wasn't pretending! Because from the get go. Day one. He was in love with Lina and clearly a bit stupid in letting her know that. 

I am so in love with the way the story progresses all the cute little moments when they, due to their lie, are forced to be friends in the first place. Slowly exploring and getting to know each other. All the cute little moments in which you can just tell how much Aaron really cares just never lets it slip pass his rock hard exterior and Lina slowly shifting her mind and realising how wrong she was from the begining. 

And then you guys. The moment. The ultimate romantic moment I keep babbling about. Running on airports begging your other half not to leave? The one that would have me reduced to a puddle on the spot…yes that one. It happens here. Only a bit different. There has to be a little bit of drama aye? What's life without it. And in a plot twist they end…not broken up just…divided. He tells her that instead of running away she should of run to him. Sigh. Please rip out my heart it will hurt less and also…weren't we all here before? So in order to fix things…Lina does what everyone does, runs to him instead of away. It takes a shit ton of bravery and trust to give yourself to someone so completely. I'm not talking about sex mind you. I'm talking about real intimacy, your heart, body and soul type thing. And the moment she finds him again…sigh. Please turn on the waterworks because…as I said my old sappy Italian soul…and who wouldn't want such romance in their lives? All consuming. Happy. One that completes you. One that makes life worth living and shows you that the world isn't black and white but shines with all colors of the rainbow. 

Let me just point out something real quick. Men written by women do NOT exist. Obviously. And secondly they are the reason girls are single. Men like Aaron Blackford (even if fictional) just put the bar ridiculously high. A man like him should be a blueprint. Of how they should be so the world would be a better, nicer, kinder place and respectfully, he had my legs divorcing each time he did or said basically anything. Hashtag no shame. 

''But you are. You are worth all that trouble. You are worth walking through a fuckin fire. Don't you see that?''

Sigh. You know that episode of Friends with Ross crying into a martini glass ''I'm fine, I'm fine''. Yeah that's me. Right now. Pretending I'm fine while cursing the universe and it's cruel fate of never having an Aaron in my life. To end this ridiculous rant (and wish all y'all that celebrate cosmic zombies resurrection a happy Easter) I'll share the one line, favourite one, that really had my heart exploding. Perfection in written words. Seriously, thank you Elena for this, for breaking my heart and putting it back together, I loved every moment of reading this book. (Obviously since I read it in one afternoon, not wanting to put it down, those were some awkward bathroom visits just sayin. Lol. ) 

No mourners, no funerals.

''We'll take this city, might burn it down, we'll break this city, and wear it like a crown''.

About time I sit down and write some of my own content huh? If only I can force my brain to co - operate. Oh my god you guys I am so tired. This week felt like an entire year. A year of bullshit and trauma and bad shit piled upon bad shit. I guess many of us feel that way but it's really been a bit much. And people wonder why I drink. And then suddenly I'm sitting in my grandmothers living room, drinking orange juice out of my mason jar, pretending to be ''healthy'' and she takes a sip going ''your juice went bad'', I'll count myself lucky that she didn't figure out that the juice that went bad was mostly vodka. Or wait, maybe she did know and decided to be quiet about it. Did y'all know Romania has vodka in like mini milk cartons? Imagine how convenient, I'd love that, going on my way sipping on vodka looking like I'm drinking milk. Sip sip bitch. 

Now that aside, since there are all but zero pleasures in my life besides booze, books and drawing, you can expect the posts to spin around those topics. I won't ramble on about music because well what's the fucking point? I want to slit my wrists knowing concerts might happen just without me there. I haven't seen a gig since my birthday in 2019, and I swear I am in physical pain. In other news I'm actually happy I decided to participate in Inktober 52 this year because despite having a hard time getting the proper materials (do people even understand what Micron not Omicron but Micron graphic liners are?) and ripping my hair out over lacking creativity and drawings that are somehow just never good enough for me, that aside it's still something I look forward to each week (only I'd be so sadistic to look forward to stressing myself out each week…well when stress is all you know…). A new drawing prompt is at least something that keeps my brain stimulated and working. This weeks prompt though (keep an eye out for the post on IG tomorrow) is a recycled Inktober idea, but that's not due to lack of ideas but firstly because some people when you say stripes all they see is a zebra and all I see is Gomez Addams. Y'all know I can't resist drawing my favourite couple. So I took my ''suit'' prompt from October and elevated it to a higher level. Why do I sound like judges in Masterchef right now? You need to take this plate and elevate it to a higher level. Lol. If they said that to me, the elevation I'd do is throwing the plate in their heads. But I'm off topic and this is a rant for another day. 

Alright so no, unfortunally for you I'm not sharing cocktail recipes with you today, though I should, feels like I'd do something good for the community, nor am I sharing a detailed description of a highly erotic dream I had in which a specific very attractive man explored every inch of my body (and I his) and let me tell you something just thinking about it makes all the cells in my body combust in fire, the hands, the hair pulling, the biting and choking. I'm going to start panting just thinking about it. Lol. So instead I'll be boring and I'll give you a book review and oh my god you guys what a book it is! I loved it from the first page to the last. 

Before I say anything at all about the content, look at that beaufitul collectors edition book. All satin black and red foiling! I am obsessed with all the pretty shiny foiling! The ''Niffler'' in me is going crazy. Lol you don't even see the way it sparkles on the picture but trust me, it's perfect. And how about that character art? Sharing my favourite couple obviously but there's other characters that are just as pretty. And the red pages! I am in love. 

You'll remember the author Leigh Bardugo from my other reviews. The Grisha verse triology, and my obsession with the Darkling. I'm still right there, my poor mistreated baby…sigh. This is a duology though and I've yet to read the second part, which I'm struggling with due to a massive spoiler I saw (seriously people flag and tag your ''porn'' we don't wanna see that shit) and it's kinda…you know not something I wanna see. Puts you off from reading. I'll get there eventually though.

Before you continiue this post will obviously contain massive spoilers for ''Six of crows'', so if you haven't read it, I'd say, get off your butt and go get a jug of vodka and juice (or just vodka, hey I aint judging) instead, and if you did read it and still wanna read my ramblings and ravings, welcome, I'm so happy to have you here. 

Straight off the bat, this book is so hyped up. Everyone is talking about it, everyone is reading it, everyone is raving about it. That's usually another turn off for me because it was proven again and again that something that the masses love, I tend to hate. I can't help it, that's just how it is, my brain is hardwired the wrong way, I explained that a couple of times before. I'm usually a bit scared to go read super hyped up books because of that reason alone. I tend to be disappointed in the end, I'm looking at you 365 days. Utter garbage believe me. 

Excuse me I was interrupted by my mother yelling downstairs ''your mafioso is on tv'', could be many of them tbh but it was Thomas Shelby which obviously means all my undivided attention in a heart beat. My god that man. And oh dear god those crystal clear baby blues, like a hurricane on a Scandinavian coast. A blue so deep you don't even see the bottom. Sigh. I'm lost in a fantasy, ignore it, I'll pull myself together and pretend I'm any good at book reviews. Hey we're not all writers, some of us are just bullshitting through life, pretending we know what we're doing. Pretending our lives aren't going to shit or that we have any control at all. Pretending everything is fine when we open the car door on a parking lot and stumble outside in a landslide of cans and bottles. But seriously don't drink and drive kids, you may spill your drink (Joke. Seriously it's a joke, if y'all still know what humor is).

So super hyped up book, I had a hard time finding someone who wouldn't like it. Which tbh, fair enough, it's a fantastic book. It's beautifully written, full off action, a little ''constipated'' romance with fools who don't understand they're in love (aren't we all right there though?) and criminals that in the end their biggest crime will be stealing your heart.  Oh wait! Before we go on, this has very little actual ties to the Grishaverse triology but I'd still suggest you read those first because then this will make more sense. I kinda would call it the unofficial part four since it's happening after the events in the third book of the triology, but also not really, it's part four in the way of a fully established fantasy world. Or well you can watch the tv show because they brilliantly combined the two. That was a stroke of genius tbh to combine the triology and duology in one action packed tv show. Great job to whoever came up with it. 

So this story alternates betweeen six characters obviously since it's titled ''six of crows'' six crows…and I am not usually  the biggest fan of the plot  being split between two points of view never mind six! But I found myself enjoying the way this plot works especially since with every separate character and their chapters we learn a bit more of their backstory which really explains who they are and how they became the way they were. Let's be honest they're essentially teenagers but act more mature than fifty plus year olds around me. Obviously something  (life) made them that way.

They're described as followed;

- A convict with a thirst for revenge 

- A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager

- A runaway with a privileged past

- A spy known as the Wraith

- A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums

- A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes

The plot focuses on an impossible heist for a huge reward. Meaning a large chunk of money, but what the points of view switching tells us is different motivation. Everyone has a different reason for needing money, for needing to complete the task at hand.  And in more than one case it's not about the money but rather in buying freedom. If that's not something I'd understand more then well right now then nothing is.

I take it Kaz is pretty much the main character here, the story revolves around him. Dirty hands. The bastard of the barrel and the brilliant criminal mind who undertakes insane missions and heists in order to build up an empire and a name and all fueled by revenge. Yes I understand that too. Revenge just might be my biggest motivation as well. In some aspects of life that is. The story shows us some of the impossible missions he already undertook and then introduces us to the heist that is so daring and so crazy, even he may not make it happen. Does he though? Well read the book...

Wait a second, I didn't even think of it this way before but in this book I have two favourites, one being Kaz, who is essentially a gang leader…of course he is. And the other is Matthias who is blond and blue eyed. Son of a bitch. I really never stray far from my likes…and I didn't even realise. Sigh. 

Ironically I can relate to the cold hearted and ruthless part of Kaz most. The part that doesn't care how much violence something needs to get it done, and the part of him that does anything in his power for those he cares about. Yeah. He's dealing with his trauma, there are reasons he is the way he is and that's another thing I can perfectly understand. Don't we all have some sorta fucked up baggage we can't really process?

I'm literally in between typing this solving quizes online on who is my Grishaverse soulmate, already assuming all I get is the Darkling but lets keep the options open…hm first result says Nikolai, second says Kaz and the third one said Nikolai again. Well makes sense, another pretty blond. Lol. And it shows my mind is all over the place if I can focus on one simple task at hand. Finishing this damn post that I've been working on and off pretty much the entire day.

I actually think this may be the first heist book I've ever read. Seriously. I can't remember any before this one, it was always hurt / comfort. Mutual pining. Heartache. Heartbreaks etc…and murder, and vampires. And well angel – human forbidden romances, what can I say I'm predictable. But books with happy endings mind you. Life is so tragic as is I don't want none of that shit in my books as well. So a heist in a fantasy world, with a crazy group of misfits, that may or may not pull it off? Sign me up for that. I'll admit though in the begining it takes a little while for the story to really take off, but I get it's the story / character building so it's okay, it might turn off some readers though. But you guys look at it this way, even in the bedroom you need some foreplay before you go to town…

And what I wasn't too happy about was the cliff ending closure. Like. I do NOT like cliff hangers. This time I'm looking at you The Witcher season 2. I mean fine at least I already have part two but what if you're waiting on it for like…years? I mean I suck at this, the story will keep eating at me and drive me crazy. No closure is something I'm really bad at. Call it personal trauma like Kaz' but really…not my fave thing in the world. Good thing though that this cliff hanger isn't enough to ruin the book for me. Lol. I still love it.  

Completely unrelated but why are so many reviews these days a bunch of people yapping on youtube? Do people honestly watch that? Ridiculous. Everyone wanna be a vlogger or ''influencer'' these days. What a dumb word btw. Actually what a dumb concept. Like anyone really cares what Karen had for breakfast this morning or how she ran out of her favourite shampoo. Sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact how can you take them seriously. Or how can you watch them. Or worse let yourself be influenced by them…so strange. 

Why.Am.I.Constantly.Carried.Away.In.This.Review? Maybe because like a cat avoiding hot porridge, I'm avoiding the topic of Matthias. My sweet baby angel, who was taught to hate all his life but learned to love. Please stab me in the heart because it will hurt less. This whole enemies to lovers thing? I'm a thirsty bitch for it. And after all this growth and development and love…? You get part two of the duology and well…those of you that know know, the rest of you…well I aint breaking your heart. Read the book. With caution though. It hurts.

I'm going to stop rambling and I'll share some of my favourite quotes instead. They're fun and my jumbled mind might manage that better then bullshitting my way trough the story and butchering this review, to simplify all the raving…I love the book, you should read it. 

''Many boys will bring you flowers. But someday you'll meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won't matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.''

''Kaz leaned back. ''What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?''

''Knife to the throat?'' asked Inej.

''Gun to the back?'' said Jesper.

''Poison in his cup?'' suggested Nina.

''You're all horrible'' said Matthias'' 

''I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.''

''When everyone knows you're a monster, you needn't waste time doing every monstrous thing.''

''Brick by brick, I will destroy you.''

One of the best quotes might be this one though;

'' ''They fear as I once feared you'' he said. ''As you once feared me. We are all someone's monster, Nina.'' ''

This is something Matthias says to Nina and when you think about it it's so true for non fantasy world. Matthias and Nina both grew up with their countries at war, both raised with prejudices and hatred bred towards each other and the significant part of it is the truth of it, no matter what you do, you will always be someone's monster. Someone will always believe you to be in the wrong. And the important part is that as this part of the book goes on Matthias tells Nina that she taught him to be something better, which shows us that he went from the hatred he was taught to believe in to seeing the truth. Opening his eyes and seeing the truth, let love win. It's beautiful once you think about it. 

And my absolutely favorite quote because I'm a sappy Italian romantic bitch; 

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together, knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.'' 

Now to end this post…and probably throwing myself into more sadness. Like I need more sadness in my life huh? Today would of been Michael Hutchences' birthday. And that always makes me sad. Do me a favor, play a little INXS for him today. And also the sudden death of the French actor Gaspard Ulliel, god…I can't. He was so talented, and such  a bright light. It's just sad you guys. And it stabs me in the heart each morning when I wake up and see a picture of him in a Chanel commercial on my wall. Sigh. Rest in peace love. 

I think that's it. I think I need to stop playing with madness and shut up, y'all enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay strong on another dreadful Monday. Cheers. Bonus tho if you made it this far, a doodle of Mr. Kaz Brekker. If you read the book or maybe a little bit from this post as well, you'll understand why he's literally me. Or I him. 

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong in the broken places.

''Ma che diavolo stai facendo?'' That's pretty much what I ask myself every morning when I put salt into my coffee or try to unlock my car with my iPod instead of car keys. I have no idea what's been going on lately, I'm way pass that come si dice? Confuso. Or well confusa if you prefer since I am in fact a girl (You'd not believe how many ''wait you're a girl?'' messages I get on Instagram…uh? Odd.). I think I've done all but sleep walked lately. But that just might be due to the fact that I don't sleep much. People tell me things like three times before I understand them, simple tasks, like ''put sugar in the red cup''…I really should pay attention, salty hot chocolate? Good. Salty coffee? Not so much. Maybe my brain is permanently asleep from the world around me, or the fact that it lacks challenge, or the fact that my regular depression is mating with seasonal depression which is mating with the gloomy gray constant rainy weather. Probably I'm transforming into a lizard, under my solar light basically 24/7. Ugh. Someone call Kafka.

Add some ridiculously sad music because all I listen to lately is my ''crying playlist'' on my iPod. No, you really don't want to know. And then I wonder if this darkness will ever lift. Well it doesn't fucking look like it and I'm adding to it myself. Sigh. 

I actually had a record review planned for today (or a book review, finally got into Warm Bodies) which felt ridiculous because I honestly haven't listened to a vinyl since…cazzo…I think it's been a full year by now. I know the music on the record I was supposed to review of course, but it still felt stupid. I really need some peace and quiet and alone time to enjoy my music again. And maybe some perspective in life to actually care about music again. And possibly no family at the doors of my room when Annihilator is playing asking me ''oh my god, does he sing ''like a penis rising''? '' um no. He's singing ''Like a phoenix rising'' get your damn mind out of the gutter. Speaking of Annihilator, I used to have their ''Set the world on fire'' album, figured I'd get a new copy because I always loved that one, and oh my god have you seen the prices? No matter how much I enjoy ''Phoenix rising'' or how much it reminds me of the smell of pumpkin spice latte and crispy mornings, with a certain blondie singing that song to himself while making that latte…sigh...some things are too expensive and some things, the best things, the best memories now, can't be bought with money. 

So random but, I caught a part of a conversation the other day on the street, between two women mind you. I'm not going to go into that whole ''brain dead bimbo'' rant because it's pointless…they talked about the ''worst things that could happen to them'' and I fell into a fit of giggles. Ladies if you're reading I owe you beer, coffee, coke, whatever is your poison because you made me laugh for the first time in over a month no joke. So what's the worst thing that could happen to these two? Breaking a heel on her brand new LV shoes, I mean I get it they're pretty shoes, but is that the worst thing? Having to do dishes right after her nails ''set''. What does that even mean? I'm such a poor excuse for a girl I know but what is ''set nails''? Dry nail polish or what? Or god forbid, her husband buying her a new car for her birthday and that car isn't red but black. Lol, must be a tough life, getting a car for your birthday that isn't the right color. But that's besides the point, for the rest of my walk I thought about the worst things I could think of happening to me, the ironic part is I have little left because all of them already did. Call it destino or whatever the fuck you want to but mostly…I have nothing left to lose, nothing left to fear. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. A friend told me once, that us damaged people, people that fear nothing are the most dangerous because we have nothing left to lose. I guess he had a good point.

Then I realised there is one thing, one thing that qualifies under the ''worst thing in the world'', one that feels like the sun will never rise again, and you know what that is? ''Being away from the person you wanted to spend your entire life with''. Yeah. That fits the bill. When you know that someone is just right for you and you for them, and everything is perfect and yet there's always something, the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong…everything. That is hell. That kills you bit by fucking bit daily. 

What can you possibly say or do when you're not enough to make someone stay? What can you do when you meet the love of your life and realise it's all about that perfect timing? The perfect timing that never happens mind you. How can you process and accept that no matter how perfect you are for each other, circumstances get in the way? Tell me, how do you fight this kind of destino?

One of my best friends (you have no idea how much I fucking miss you every single fucking day) was a big fan of ''Kintsugi''. You know what that is? Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by gluing the broken pieces together with powdered gold or simply painting the cracks golden. The point of it is to embrace the flaws and imperfections, to understand that broken things can be fixed, can be beautiful and can be even stronger. ''Scars'' are just part of life after all. He encouraged me to try it, because practicing fixing broken things may help fix what's broken inside of me. Great relaxation technique and a rescue to my favourite Halloween lantern that a cat knocked over and I couldn't say goodbye to, but nothing lasts forever and even slowly putting myself back together backfired. Said friend left and ever since nothing is okay no more, nothing inside me can be fixed no more and you know why? Because he took several pieces with him. Here's my advice to you guys though, we all go through rough times, some of us manage to put ourselves together faster and better, some never at all but while the critical world does nothing but judges your ''scars'' and cracks and imperfections, it misses out on the beauty how you managed to make yourselves whole again. Screw the world, don't let it piss on your progress and healing.

Another random wisdom of said friend, ''you know us broken people will always be able to love harder than the rest, we've seen the dark, we spent too much time in the dark, we learned how to appreciate everything that shines''. He didn't see though that he was one of those bright shiny things and the world, at least mine, is much much much darker since he's been gone. 

I know this post is a mess, a mess of confused ramblings, or just a mirror image of what's been going on in my head. A mess. Maybe this is why I should stick to music and books, at least there it's some form, pattern, some sense, meaning whatever you want to call it and not a mess of everything and nothing. I'll shut up and go back to two! drawings of blond boys that I'm working on. I know I know shut up don't say it. Look, I'm a simple woman I see blond hair, blue eyes and a pretty smile and I get a little stupid. Shit happens. One of said boys is Dan Stevens (wtf another Britt I'm fawning over? What's happening?) as Alexander Lemtov in the movie ''Eurovision song contest: The story of Fire saga'', you guys seen it right? I mean it's stupidly perfect and funny and I live for Alexander no joke, drawing him was a ''crazy sexy time''. The other drawing…well keep it undisclosed for now.

Before I actually quit the rambling, how bout a song recommendation? ''Lion of love'' by Alexander Lemtov? Hah, joke, though it does lift my spirits each time I hear it…no but seriously, I've been listening to a Croatian band called Vatra which means fire. They have a brand new single out ''Nova godina nije se dogodila'' which means ''new year didn't happen''. Great song. Really speaks to my feelings atm. As well as the new Simple plan song which I'm trying so hard to hate but I can't. Sigh.

''Zar je moguče, bas sad kad krenula je proslava, na ulicama tisuče ljudi, jesmo li samo mi ludi? Dok svi odbrojavaju mi se udaljavamo. Bez tebe, nova godina nije se dogodila, cimet, niti marcipan nemaju okus koji znam. Bez tebe, nova godina nije se dogodila, bez tebe šuti vatromet, puca mi led pod nogama a hladni sjeverni vjetar gradom zavija sretan. I tužno pada snijeg kao da zna, može i drugačije.''

Cheers babes, enjoy the weekend and see you sometime next week, with that Warm Bodies review, spoiler alert? I fucking loved it! 

Siamo fuori di testa, ma diversi da loro.

Good evening Europe, how are we feeling today? So now when it's obvious that Saturday night wasn't just a fever dream, oh my god, can you hear me scream? I haven't been as happy with the results of the Eurovision song contest since Lordi won in 2006. Yes as a true ''Euro trash'' person as my friends like to call me due to my language switching back and forth from several languages I watch Eurovision every year and every year I'm upset over the pathetic, boring, whiny winner, and also with what crap we always send to compete but that's a story for another day when I decide if our jury who picks a winner is deaf, blind or just plain stupid. Maybe all of the above tbh.

Here's the deal, I don't get Europeans who don't watch this show, I have said several times their EU membership should be revoked, I guess they're music haters or just plain boring, maybe they just don't know how to have a little fun. The glam, the glitter, the vibe, the scenes, the sets, the lights, the music (some of it anyways) and Graham Norton's comments alone are worth it. My friends and I used to go full Elton John, sparkly dresses, sparkly makeup, feathery boas, sky high heels and an endless ammount of rose, just to sit on the couch and watch the show. Make a full freakin party out of it. Of course usually the drinking at the end was to drown the sorrows but this time it was actually in celebration. Champagne all the way baby because oh my oh my how the tables have turned this year.

Of course the entire show isn't what it used to be, before we get too political or talk about how jury handing out points is just a political move, countries giving points to their neighbors and some such shit (can I just say for once I am proud of my own country for giving Italy 12 fucking points fuck yeah! Finally out of the dumb stereotypes),  please someone explain to me what the fuck is Australia even doing on EUROvision song contest, also no hard feelings but seriously Australia what the fuck was that this year? And also Israel? With a song titled ''Set me free''? the fuck was that? a cruel joke? But BUT, you guys! The jury said Sweitzerland, a pathetic, whiny song, and the jury said France, what the fuck? fake wnb Edith Piaf making me wanna slit open my wirsts. And then THEN you guys the people have spoken and the people said fuck all of you we want Italy (took all the phones in my house and voted as many times as I could, I know I'll be dead when phone bills come in but fuck it lol). And there are no words no words to explain how happy this makes me. Lets face it, few things make me happy these days but this? This sure AF does. 

Not just because rock music won, lets face it we need more real rock n roll in our lives, we need more rock on all types of song contests, the type that's like whiskey, burns a little when you take it in ;) but also because this win is a new era. The band with their winning song is done with the boomers, it's time for the young now. The young have spoken, the young have voted. The LGBT+ have spoken and were also heard with this win and I am over the moon. Even if the offended boomers then when they had nothing left had to accuse the band of doing drugs in the middle of the event. Sure. In a full venue. They somehow smuggled in cocaine. And were doing in right when a huge fucking camera was pointed in their faces. Brilliant. So ballsy. Omg I am so fed up with these narrowminded people judging based on looks, based on some twisted idea of normality. Sick of hatred in general. Just like the song says ''you better shut up and be quiet'', only say it louder for the people in the back. 

For all y'all still not understanding how important this win is. The band came on not just with a loud rock song, ''saving'' rock n roll but with a message, they smashed stereotypes, they smashed the whole toxic masculinity (pay attention to the lead singers ink ''boys do cry''),they smashed the stereotype of love should only be between a man and a woman (cheers guys for all that boy on boy makeout sessions on stage, that got me hot and horny not going to lie lol), they are sending a message to love who ever the fuck you wanna love, fuck gender, fuck what people think, love is love. And they did this at a contest that has audiences all over the world, an estimated 200 million people watch ESC each year, in countries that still have anti LGBT+ laws, and countries that are just narrow minded, homophobic, or just plain hateful, countries that can't bare the idea of a man in makeup and high heels, or god forbid wearing clothes we can only see fit for a woman (women wear pants which are ''male'' clothes, why can't a man put on a skirt?), god forbid a man looking a bit too feminine. The music could be absolute shit and this alone would be enough for me to make them winners. Of course good music is just an added bonus but really this is amazing on so many levels, they are showing the younger generations the importance of accepting yourself for who you are, to love yourself and whoever else you wanna love, and ugly rumors being formed because of that, because they don't fit in your frame of ''normality'', or trying to minimise their win is pathetic and ugly and distasteful. 

For all y'all wanting to attack me ''his head was down he was snorting coke'' fuck you, it takes longer than 2 seconds to snort up a row of coke and fuck you because all he was doing was picking up a broken glass, and fuck you for hating them because they're different, and fuck you for hating them for standing up for gay and bi rights. 

Thank you Måneskin for being you, for brining the breath of fresh air and for standing up for what you believe in, I love it so much, and who knows maybe see you in Italy in 2022. That be great. And also btw just food for thought, Italy and their economy being as it is, step into the bands shoes and just imagine getting entire Europe so fucking horny you collapse your country's economy. If that aint the most badass and the most rock n roll thing you can possibly do then I just don't know what is. Lol. At the end of the day though why am I even getting worked up about this, people are stupid, they'll always be stupid and at the end of the day ''parla la gente purtroppo, parla non sad i che cazzo parla''. Now that I'm done with that, I apologise to all my non EU readers, us Europeans tend to be insufferable during ESC week. Just ask Tumblr users lol. Lucky though all my friends are just as crazy as I am, passionate actually not crazy, and we freak out for a week together. You should have seen us when we were actually AT the song contest. Lol. Craziness multiplied.

Now that I got all the happy and also angry out…can I touch a bit of sadness (why is my brain telling me ''can I play with madness'' instead lol)? You know it hasn't been that long since one of my best friends died, and then another, and then another. Like some sick deathrow, dropping one by one. I don't get it. I can't process it. I don't know how it's fair or right. I don't know how I'm supposed to unpack or even begin to unravel all these emotions. I don't understand how people just expect me to be ''normal'', to cope, to function, to be nice, to tolerate them, to smile and carry on, to work, to be productive. I just wanna scream. I just wanna break things. I don't get it. This world is broken. We all have our own struggles, and our own limits, I get that. But we don't all heal in the same time frame. Some need a year, some need ten, some never get fully better, just sorta functional. Why can't we understand that? Why can't we show if not compassion at least understanding?

It's been hard during this week because one of those friends was always watching Eurovision and being silly with me and if we weren't together we had skype running and watching ''together''. And I know he would just adore these Italian boys and lady, actually I'd send him the link as soon as they won San Remo and we'd probably fangirl for a month in advance. I mean missing someone doesn't really change. You always miss them but when something you used to do together crops up, something that really reminds you of them, then it just gets unbearable, maybe right now that much more because the wound is just too fresh. 

I don't know you guys, life is just hard, if you have any magical solutions as to how to make it easier, without calling Dr. Feelgood that is, I'll be here waiting, in the mean time enjoy this doodle of the pretty Italian ESC winners. Tbh that singer could spit in my mouth and I'd say ''si grazie papi'' just sayin. 

I learned to live half alive, now you want me one more time.

Another Friday you guys. So much shit happened this week that I could sit here and bitch about that alone. How would y'all like that? Maybe that I sit here and babble about the news while I sip Rose? Not even joking something new popped up here ''Wine to go'' Rose in a glass from the store, you just pop the top and drink on the go. Amazing. You know me, Italian wine. Italy. Fuck I miss Italy. And I love wine. But what I meant is, how about a vlog and we go over some interesting news? Yes I know, y'all are just dying for my super smart opinions and views of the world. Hah. Though to be serious I'll start drinking before each outing these days. People. Ugh. I can't take it no more. They're all horrible.

What I find super important which literally happened hours ago is that a new song by Kip Moore came out, it's called ''Good life''. Make sure you go check it out. Far cry from country music. At least that real ''Johnny Cash / Willie Nelson'' type country but I love it, it's different, not what we're used to from him but I love a bit of experimentation. Well I may also be biased. Y'all know I love that boy. And cute story, I can literally buy a signed stage used mike of his but I can't get his last album / deluxe version. Wtf? I'm so fucking pissed. Been really looking forward to it. Oh well ''good'' life aye. 

So instead of a ''smart'' vinyl review which I honestly think nobody really cares about no more here's a short book review. I literally read this book in half a day, it really sucked me in. Which is kinda strange, I'm not usually one for criminal novels. You know me, I like fantasy, and I like romance, but this was a nice change. 

( Jennifer Hillier / Jar of hearts / fiction, criminal, murder, rape )

Quick summary would be that this is a story about three best friends, one was murdered, one went to prison and one was searching for the truth all those years. 

Everything below here will include spoilers so if you don't want to read those, stop right here. 

So what surprised me was that I literally couldn't put this book down. Started reading and then I just had to know how it ends so I spent the entire afternoon completely consumed by it, meaning literally walked to the bathroom holding the book. It really is a riveting book. And it got me thinking. Our choices in life…they really do define us. Yes okay we're not the mistakes we made, hopefully we learned from them too but really, if you do something utterly stupid you gotta suffer the concequences, you gotta pay the price for it. Though I still believe people should be given a second chance. One horrible mistake, one horrible choice, shouldn't mark you as a horrible person for life.

I guess we all kinda got fascinated by murderers at some point, maybe it's just me, in matching onesie with my cat, watching a TV show on Ted Bundy, who lets face it looks like he needs a hug not death penalty. Which I am strongly against btw, not only that punishing a murderer with murder is stupid purely because what does that make you? A murderer right? And also I'm against it because death is easy, it's life that's hard. 

Okay so the book is cut into several parts, it begins with Georgina or Geo for short on trial where she's sentenced to five years in prison for her role in disposing the body of her best friend Angela that went missing 14 years ago. You know the type, Angela type, pretty, cheerleader, popular, loved by everyone. Angela was murdered by Geo's sexy older boyfriend Calvin also known as the ''Sweetbay Strangler''. The heat Geo was getting was for not speaking up sooner because before Calvin was caught two more bodies dropped. I guess yes if she spoke up maybe he'd be caught, but also maybe he wouldn't be. He escaped prison after Geo's trial so who knows what would of happen. 

The whole what if always drives me mad. Always. I keep spinning in circles thinking about my life, what if I was accepted to the school I wanted. What if I never did some stupid shit I did when I was younger. What if I managed to patch up my relationship, where would we be today? What if I was happy? Do I even know what that is? You know what I mean. What and if are just words, but put together have the power to utterly wreck your life. 

The third friend Kaiser (Kai for short, has me on high alert, I love that name so much) is now a cop. Can't decide how I feel about that, you know I love his character but I do not love cops. Lol. If there's any cops reading this, I'm sorry, I'm sure y'all are good people but personal experience says otherwise. But speaking from a point of the story, and the choices we make, whatever happened to Angela happened in highschool when the three were 16. I wonder if that was what made Kaiser go into law enforcement. If certain things happening motivate you, make you wanna do certain things. Would he be a cop if his best friend wasn't missing? Would Geo realise her fiance is no good for her and that her current life isn't really what she should be doing if it wasn't interrupted by jail time? I wonder, is where we are at certain parts of life, exactly where we should be? Even if jail? What if there's some higher purpose. Call it destiny if you will but what if that's exactly what and where we should be no matter how hopeless it feels, because that hoplessness will lead us to something better? 

I gotta say I was fascinated by the character of the Sweetbay Strangler. My family calls me a sociopath each morning when I pour myself a black cup of coffee with no sugar and no milk so maybe that explains it but really I find him fascinating. His general behaviour towards Geo, it's fascinating. Of course the fact that he's a pretty boy pulls you in that much more. You don't expect serial killers to look like top models, you don't expect them to be completely normal, nice, charming. Or maybe you do because that's the best cover up? It's often that serial killers kill women but end up being good husbands and fathers. Isn't that fascinating? 

So just before Geo is released from prison, police discovers two more bodies, one of a child and one of a woman. Another week later, two more bodies are found. And all clues lead to the Sweetbay Strangler. Murders happen in the same way, his way. And while I was lying on my bed muttering ''copy cat'' the entire time under my breath, I will not tell you if I was right or not. Not going to spoil the best part of the book. 

I'd maybe change the ending a bit. Make it more elaborate, it felt a bit rushed. A bit like, the writer has a deadline and instead of giving the story an ending it would deserve you just abruptly end things, some stuff was left…a bit unclear to say the least. That aside, I still liked the idea of the ending, I liked how it ended. You know me I don't do tragic endings so angsty story with a happy end? Perfect. I guess I gave that away now, but the book does in fact have a happy end. Well, depends on who's side you're on.

But that's about it, all I'll tell you on the book I mean, the plot twist in between is too good to give out. Now excuse me while I get another wine to go, and a bag of Nutella cookies (brilliant stuff omfg) and go sit on the sun, such a nice day, finally getting warmer too, and the summer being in me is doing excited flips. Cheers, enjoy the weekend guys. Grab a cold one for me too, lord knows I aint seeing the inside of a bar anytime soon. 

There's no escape when fire meets fate.

I was going to share a post about art, about how I managed to step out of my comfort zone and not only work with a paintbrush but also on a really and I do mean really large canvas, when let's be honest anything bigger then A4 to me was just like my talent for manths (3+2=purple). But there's other things that bother me far more, like do you know what I'm having a hard time understanding? What the fuck is the matter with people lately? When did human kind became so stupid, evil, judgemental, derailed? Everyday I find something that makes me hate 90% of the human population more.

The other day I saw a man kicking a baby bird, why? It was in his way. You sick fuck. A week before that I saw another man poking snails out of the grass crushing them because aparently they're nothing but ''filth'' no jackass you're the filth. I can't imagine what's the matter with people, where's the humanity? Where's the kindness? Where's some fucking understanding, where's the love? What's the matter with us?!

I can't seem to understand, if we can't even show a bit of kindness towards innocent living beings sharing the planet with us, how can we even begin to show kindness to eachother?

Then again why am I surprised? Trump is the president, right is on the rise, hate is on the rise. Idiotism is on the rise.

I feel so completly lost, I can't decide is there something wrong with me or everyone around me? First sounds more logical doesn't it? I can't understand people, I can't understand the hate, and I sure as fuck can't understand how in 2018, rightist ideas can go through without people telling them flat out they're idiots. Did you know that over 70% of people that are deciding if abortion should be legal or not are men? Like excuse me but in my book it's ''no uterus no opinion''. How can someone even begin to think they have an opinion over a woman's body? A right over it too? It's not right and it's not moral.

Aparently now younger generation not having families is due to feminism, women's rights and the fact that women can get an education...there aren't words, literally there are no words that would describe my anger. Honest to god. So my education is what's stopping me from ''throwing out a couple kids'' and the whole live happily ever after bullshit? Good to know it's not I don't know, my uncertain future, not knowing if I'll have a job, not knowing if I'll be able to take care of a a dog much less of a child, and it's certainly not the fact that moving out on my own is a fantasy that will never come true. Oh hey but let's cut women's education because who wants smart women huh? Fucking idiots.

It seems to me that the only thing missing is changing bonefires to witch burnings at the stakes because holy shit we're going back to the middle ages. And you know what's the worst part? That all my ramblings are like howling to the moon. The younger population couldn't care less, they don't participate in politics, they don't vote they don't do shit and then these old idiots that cleary lost all sense and ideas and purpose in life fuck over all our lives. I'm just done. How is it right or fair that I should live the way someone else tells me to live? Why?

I came to hate this place so much lately. Hating the people, hating the hate, hating the judgment, hating the air that I breathe, hating everything. I've been feeling like a stranger, I've been feeling out of place, I've been feeling like nobody understands me, like I can't fit in with anybody. And it's the worst feeling ever. Like you can't even breathe. So much has happened this year and it's only the end of May. And I am done, tired, can't go on like this any longer. And quite honestly in a world like this one is turning out to be what's the point anymore?

I don't understand blind support, blind faith, blind following something, anything. What the hell? Blid faith into anything will get you killed. I understand support and I understand devotion and all the other crap but I don't get fanatics, obsessions, people acting like rabid dogs if you dare saying you don't agree with them. When did we become this hostile? When did we start thinking that anyone that doesn't share our opinion is the enemy.

To end this post before it gets too angry because yes I'm in a mood I'll just share words of wisdom, or should I say lyrics of wisdom that Mr. Axl Rose (and also Slash, Mckagan and Stradlin) shared back in the 1991. He gets it. People think he's an idiot, and talk shit about him, but he's no fool and he gets it.

Look at your young men fighting, look at your women crying, look at your young men dying the way they've always done before. Look at the hate we're breeding, look at the fear we're feeding, look at the lives we're leading the way we've always done before.

My hands are tied the billions shift from side to side and the wars go on with brainwashed pride for the love of God and our human rights, and all these things are swept aside by bloody hands time can't deny and are washed away by your genocide, and history hides the lies of our civil wars.

D'you wear a black armband when they shot the man who said "peace could last forever"? And in my first memories they shot Kennedy, I went numb when I learned to see, so I never fell for Vietnam we got the wall of D.C. to remind us all that you can't trust freedom when it's not in your hands, when everybody's fightin' for their promised land.

And I don't need your civil war, it feeds the rich while it buries the poor, your power hungry sellin' soldiers in a human grocery store, ain't that fresh, I don't need your civil war, oh no.

Look at the shoes you're filling, look at the blood we're spilling, look at the world we're killing the way we've always done before. Look in the doubt we've wallowed, look at the leaders we've followed, look at the lies we've swallowed and I don't want to hear no more.

My hands are tied for all I've seen has changed my mind but still the wars go on as the years go by with no love of God or human rights. 'Cause all these dreams are swept aside by bloody hands of the hypnotized who carry the cross of homicide and history bears the scars of our civil wars.

I don't need your civil war it feeds the rich while it buries the poor, your power hungry sellin' soldiers in a human grocery store, ain't that fresh, I don't need your civil war.

Whaz so civil 'bout war anyway?

GN'R - Civil war

P.S. Vsem ostalim mladim, ki še imajo vsaj kanček pameti in sposobnosti mišljenja z lastno pametjo pa želim srečn 25 maj. Mal več take mladine k je bla takrat ko je SKOJ uvedu ta praznik pa bi nam blo vsem življenje lepše tut danes. Just sayin.

If I had a dollar for each time a baby boomer complains about the millennials I could buy a house in the economy they ruined.

You know what really bothers me these days? I know I know, you don't want to hear about the millionth thing that bothers me but you will anyways. The god damn baby boom generation. I mean not all of them but most of them. All the talk about millennials. Millennials this millennials that...

Warning: quite a lot of swear words ahead. I'm upset, let me be.

You know what's funny, we, the millennials are a generation of kids who were told all our lives that failure is not an option. How are you supposed to develope the skills you need to deal with your own emotions after you do lose? Because let's face it life is not all sunshine and rainbows. And secondly nobody ever tells you how to deal with the amount of pressure we've been subjected to through our entire lives. Social preassures such as terrorist attacks, recessions, all this talk of war, tension here tension there, all the racism, homophobia, all the hate. And all that mixed with the pressure of schooling, did you know that students these days are subjected to the same stress as people in mental hospitals in the 50's? Am I the only one who thinks that's insane? Not to mention the social pressure of going to college or worse not going to college when once you think about it isn't even a realistic or worthwile investment no more. Schools are expensive as hell, and once you're done with them then what? If you're lucky you get a job. IF you're lucky. But it's not a job you'd want, it's not a job you'd be passionate about, a job you'd love. And you know what? You have to take it anyways because who the fuck cares about ambitions and wishes and goals and dreams...that's so passe isn't it? And the worst part? Despite having a crap job that you hate you have it just to survive. And you still can't. I find it insane that kids these days don't dream of crazy things but actual financial security, a job they wouldn't hate, a small place of their own. I can't stand the fact that these things that are just basic needs are becoming dreams.

I have this feeling that our lives are a different type of monopoly, the kind where you're just walking around paying but never buying anything because you can't afford shit.

I can't stand the constant accusations of being lazy when you miss out on one of many things expected of us. Or an idiot when you want a job that will actually challenge you and help you grow instead of slowly killing you inside. I don't understand what's so bad about wanting to try out different things, about not wanting to stay in one place for too long. In wanting to grow and change and just live.

So maybe all these older generations are better then us, they're not ''lazy'', they're not a snowflake that needs a safe space because words hurt *idiots*. But you know what? You're also better at being homophobic, sexist, racist, and in creating the worst and I do mean the worst job and housing market this world has ever seen then dumping it all on us, telling us we're the ones who fucked up the economy we never even touched. And despite everything you have the nerve to call us sefish, selfcentered, entitled, narcissistic and lazy while we're the ones struggling with school and jobs at the same time and struggling to live a normal adult life that we can't even afford. And doing things at the side we actually care about. So yes maybe we won't do better and maybe you are better then us but christ we sure as hell can't do worse.

Oh right ''You kids don't know how hard we had it! Everyone had to use the Library to get information and we didn't have cell phones!'' and most of my generation suffers from depresion and wants to die, but you're right, not having cell phones and google is far worse…my bad.

The thing is of course we want more from our lives, we were told all our lives, just go to college and you'll get a great job. Well guess fucking what? College and thousands of dollars of debt later there are no jobs. 2 or 3 minimum wage jobs still not being able to survive is disgusting.

''Why not get a better job instead?'' Oh I don't know, why don't people that are drowning just breathe more?

''Get a part time job to pay off your student debt'' You can't pay off you student debt all your life with a full time job these days.

''Millennials are so entitled'' Because nothing screams entitled more then interns with degrees working for free.

''You are too sensitive, do you need a safe space?'' Says someone who can't hear a swear word or god forbid see a nipple.

So you're saying that teenagers are too young to know their sexual orientation or whether or not they’re in love but they are old enough to vote and to be deciding what career and degree and life they want to have forever. How very convenient isn't it?

I honestly don't even understand being called selfish? I mean honestly how are we selfish, greedy, self entitled? If you go around asking any of my friends what they really want, all they'd say is a tiny apartment, a job that pays enough so I can at least buy food and a dog or a cat but only if I can feed them. How is that greedy?!

I don't understand all this talk about young people being rude and horrible. Have you ever seen an older person at a restaurant? Or at the store? They throw a tantrum for every single petty little thing. I get told to shut up and sit down because homophobia offends me while these people were offended having to drink from the same water fountain as a black person. Are.you.kidding.me?! we get called a ''snowflake'' for protesting against and for things that matter but they write a ten page review for a restaurant because they had to wait 10 minutes longer to get their food. Oh my god.

The whole ''you'll see what it's really like when you get out in the real world''. Bitch where the fuck do you think I was up till now? Hogwarts?

Here's a lovely thought, a millenial takes too many selfies in one day spamming up their facebook account but a baby boomer manages to destroy, British, global and continental economy all in one day. But please do tell me how taking selfies is such a crime. You know what really sets me off? They already fucked up the world we are forced to live in but they still continiue to do so. They're the ones ruining the countries, fucking up the politics and economy, making terrible decisions that not only they but us as well have to live with.

So help me god if I hear another ''when I was your age I was married with kids and had my own house, no reason you can't do that too''. Now sit down and shut up Susan and listen to me. 40 years of exponential inflation. You know what that means? It means that a young let's say 20 something couple with low or middle income jobs could buy a house for 30 000 which would now cost 600 000. Expecting our generations to do same as you did is not only ridiculous but also completly ignorant. Our hard work and money doesn't give us half the things it gave you, 7 dollars used to have the same buying power that 50 dollars have today. Living expences are going up and wages stay the same. Rent is 50% of the minimal wage. Student loans for colleges and jobs we don't even get. Health care aparently is no longer a right but a privilege. How the fuck do you expect us to move out, buy a house, buy a car, have children, save money?!

Here's a few facts for you;

Millennials Are the Most Educated, Worst Paid Generation.

The good news: millennials are the savviest, best-educated generation to date. The bad news: They're also earning less than ever. The averaged earnings of adults ages 18-34 between 2009 and 2013—$33,880—is the lowest since 1980

-New York Times

Part of the problem, of course, is the slow economy, high unemployment, stagnant wages, and crushing student loan debt that most millennials shoulder. The other part of the problem is the Baby Boomers. The children of the greatest generation, but also be the most irresponsible generation.

Life is just peachy isn't it?

Now my final words to all my fellow millennials. Life is hell I know, there's been more ups then downs. But there are some things they don't want you to know that you need to know. Things such as how our generation is actually much larger then the baby boomers. They know that if we turned towards a political reform we could change the world. They want us to be stagnant on stupid tv shows and dumb music. They want to cut down our education and feed us brain candy instead. It's a lot easier to raise sheep then revolutionaries right? They intentionally took away our music and gave us MTV's top 50 pop charts that are just about the dumbest thing out there. They took away our art and started force feeding us all these dumb reality shows, all in the hopes that we'd sit quietly and patiently and let them run the world. Or should I say ruin the world. We as a society are only as strong as our weakest link. Now my question is, are we really going to stand by and let this happen? Watch it happen? Or are we going to give them hell?

P.S. to the few baby boomers that understand, and are not ignorant like the rest of the world. Thank you, I appreciate you, if only there were more of you.

Runaway

Sometimes I don't know what to write about, or better yet as my family puts it what to complain about. That I'm going bankrupt because of cartridges? Do you know how expensive printing is these days? I have a photo printer, it's meant to print photography amongst other things and lately for school alone I used up three sets of god damn cartridges. I am honestly going to send them a bill one of these days. I'm not made of money. This is completly insane. I wouldn't even complain but the thing is they are literally having me copy text word per word out of my text book and print it out and that's that. Like you don't even have to be smart to pass school here, you just need to copy someone elses inteligence correct. Is this a joke? Honestly? I'm so done. SO done. And all those years of education and nobody teaches us to love ourselves and eachother and stop with the god damn hate and judgment and self loathing. Don't you think that's more important then I don't know fractions? Happier, healthier kids that grow up knowing how to love themselves and people around them? Kids that grow up into respectful adults, that are good, that don't know what backstabbing is, kids that help someone instead of pushing them down more. Guess my parents were right when they told me I'm basically a reincarnation of John Lennon. A dreamer. I dream of a world that can never happen. I am homesick for a place that doesn't exist, a place where I am happy, my heart is full, my body is loved and my soul understood. I am homesick for a feeling I never even had. A feeling of acceptance. I'm getting homesick for that thing that always made me feel like a trap. A white picket fence house, with a golden retriever and a prius parked outside. Truth do be told, my generation can't even afford a rent much less a house. I get so frustrated when older people shit on us how we're lazy, how we're stupid, how the system they grow up in was shit. Are you kidding me right now?! For real? You had free schools, free health care, you had rent or house payments maybe twenty bucks a month, you could go on vacation three times a year. Jobs were lined up after you finished school. You had every oppurtunity all you had to do was be willing to work. And what do we have? Nothing. Schools are too expensive, health care is too expensive, house or apartment you may as well forget about it. Vacation? Yeah with my finger across the map and that's it. A job? Haha that's funny. Why are we obsessed with phones - social media? It's a cheap way to ''hang out'' with your friends, most of us don't have the time or money to actually go out. You work all day and for what? Surely not to have some benefits from it. Obession with food? That was a good one. Of course we're obssesed with Nutella and pizza and beer it's the last bit of comfort we can afford, anything else? Not an option. You give us crap for not wanting children. Well for crying out loud we can't afford children. Why have kids if you can't even pay rent? For fuck sake. Why do I draw or have any other weird hobbies? Well isn't it obvious? Trying to make money and save money any way I can. Cynicism, anxiety, depression...hah we literally have to take up group fundraising collections for things like emergency expenses, health care, rent, house - car payments. Truth is we're all broke and it's driving us insane. So couple of years ago selfie was named as the word of the year and everyone threw a fit how it's the death of english language, because you know god forbid modern terminology considered as valid. People consider the millenials as the most selfish , lazy, shallow and narcisstic generation. Selfish to a point where the fact that you feel good and take a selfie can sum up your entire selfishness. Aparently we are consumed with ourselves and everything always has to be about us. They say all we care about is us, facebook, instagram, partying, having fun, doing nothing with our lives. And I call this bullshit okay. Every year school tuitions go up by at least 2% if not more, these generations now have the highest depression and anxiety levels then any generation before us. Little less then 50% of us won't get a job for over a year after school and even then it doesn't mean it's going to be a good job. This generation is in average 47,000$ in debt. Which is beyond insane. Who created this debt? None od us did. What did I do, commit credit card fraud? Please...I find it beyond crazy that everyone of us is considered in debt. I read an article the other day, every baby that is born here is already 5000 euros in debt. I can't even begin to process this information. What's the baby's crime? Being born? Madness. Almost 100% of people in my generation have had, will have or are suffering from an eating disorder. Like are you crazy? How are we standing by letting this happen? Almost 60% of girls struggle with thinking that they are the wrong weight, that they need bigger breasts, tinier waist, narrower nose...and you know why? Because there is a multi million or even billion I don't know, industry out there that keeps force feeding us this crap. That we're not good enough, that we're not pretty enough, that we're not skinny enough, that we will never make it, that we're lazy and stupid, that we've got nothing to be stressed enough. Everything they have to say to be successful. They don't care about pushing all of us down for their own success. And it's disgusting. Here's what I have to say to all of that, fuck them, pick your favorite filter, take a million of selfies, pretty, funny, goofy, whatever kind of selfies you want, and post them anywhere you want to, post them all if you want, spam the people, because you deserve to feel good about yourself, to feel enough, to feel beautiful. You deserve it considering the times you grew up in. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be positive and stress free and have a job you actually like. You deserve vacation and traveling and you deserve your own house or apartment with a god damn dog and a fat cat sleeping at the edge of your bed. Seriously we all deserve a little breathing room because honestly I'm so tired and so stressed and I am so done being told how much better we have it now and how bad the system used to be. Don't start that with me, you can't win. I am beyond frustrated and beyond angry and the worst part? I really don't see the way out. This is just one more of those things about me that people just don't understand. I'm not bitter or angry, well maybe a little, but what I really am is hopless and lost and confused and tired. Which is why I always say that now the only people I care to be around are artists, people like me who see the bigger picture and people who have suffered, who hadn't had it easy, those people know what beauty is, that life goes beyond petty little things we worry about. Those people know grief and sorrow and hoplessness. Nobody else interests me anymore. I don't have time for people that are grown ups but aren't grown up. You know what I mean? Lacking maturity. I don't have time for ''teenage drama'' that's just not me. And there were too many people like that in my life but I take comfort in knowing that they're no longer around and I take comfort in knowing that they think they know me based on who I was and based on what they read but guess what? They're left with this version of me that doesn't exist anymore. She was happier yeah and probably more fun but she was also dumber and naiive and I am glad I am no longer like that. I am honestly happy that all they have is a distant memory because I've changed and grown and they wont get the chance to know the better me, this newer version of me I've become while they were away. And you know what? It's their loss. And most of all I am glad to be around people who when I call them upset don't tell me ''oh maybe I can come around later this week'' but come over with a baseball bat saying ''someone's gon' get it''. Don't dwell on people that don't matter, focus on those who do instead, you'll be a lot happier. And remember no matter what crap people are saying, what the magazine is telling you. You.are.enough. You are beautiful the way you are. You don't need a fake tan and big boobs and a tiny waist, people who love you, love you for who you are not what you look like, and if they don't...well honey, they aren't even worth your trouble.

This is so not the way I wanted this blog to go to today but I got carried away with my frustrations. There's plenty of those so don't worry I'll have enough to write about if you stick around. Enjoy your weekend guys, I'll see you on monday with a little music recommendation.

P.S. Let me just share this before I go, because I was giggling for good two minutes when I read it...

''Take me to art museums and make out with me.''

''But they said to not touch the masterpieces.''

''Well somebody’s gotta pin the artwork to the wall''