Talk to me, Goose.

I've sat here staring at a one minute video of a sunsety beach and waves crashing on it, for literally 30 minutes on a loop. Probably to hurt myself further because ya know MCR videos aint enough, god knows what I'll be doing on July 4th (those of you that know, know) probably getting so drunk I forget I exist…anyways the ocean…y'all know me I aint an optimist, never was and never will be. To me optimism is like believing in destiny, needing something to think there's some order to this horseshit. There isn't. Anyways. I allowed myself a little sliver of hope and booked a hotel early this year. Because ya know, the plandemic will be over by then, there aint no way we're gonna go for another round of it. And then what? Lets all order more vaccines to be ready for the fall (y'all psychic now or smth?), lets all boycott Russia till we fucking starve to death or freeze to death, oh how about lets have a new sickness because someone fucked a monkey…god when does it end? 

But like in all this shit show I kept the little hope of ''fuck y'all I'm going to the beach''. Sure. Okay. Yes. And someone up there was like ''fuck no bitch, you aint going nowhere''. I guess in my tiny bit of optimism I didn't realise that after two years of not being fucking welcome anywhere and therefore staying at home, the third year I just won't have money because literally just existing (which I never asked for tbh) will be too fucking expensive. Seriously guys, honest to god, what do we even live for at this point? For that Bruce S. tour that he's planning next year (tickets go on sale tomorrow you guys so stay alert!)….hah. Next year. Hahahah, Bruce, amore mio, I love you but planning that far ahead…sure. Okay. Great idea. I'll be here deciding what to do with the money when the tickets are refunded. Probably drink it. 

I guess great fucking job I learned how not to be sad about things that are far in the past, and in the more recent past, or you know in the present…now I'll be fucking sad over crap that hasn't happened yet. The hell is the matter with me? Another thing we shouldn't get into else I'll sit here for ten more fucking hours contemplating everything that went wrong in my life and left me the mess that I am today. Not worth it. Or maybe it's just you know…experience. Things only end badly, always. Life, friendships, plans, everything ends badly, so knowing the outcome…no wonder one is sad about everything. Or angry. Or fucking livid. Or just you know disappointed as fuck. Of perhaps scared of what else shit show the future can bring. Cuz honestly, it can't get better, at this point it can only get worse. And it probably will.

But enough of this depression, lets focus on more pleasant topics, she said while getting a glass of red wine. Mark that kids, the beer drinking redneck went on vacation, I only drink wine these days. And only local because my country makes the best wine and I am willing to fight everyone who doesn't agree. The wine is more to detox from this ''art project'' I just watched. Oh. My. God. I feel insulted to be honest. If that is art then I will never be an artist. Which is something I wonder about all the time because lately what people consider art is just…I don't get it. I mean I get it but I don't you know. 

I mean it's hard not to focus on the depressive parts of life when the world is fucking insane. All my Star Wars loving buddies…y'all seen the scandal of racism surrounding Obi Wan Kenobi show aye? I haven't watched the series yet, wasn't paying it much attention online because you know spoilers. I hate that BUT constantly trending on Tumblr made me curious, well imagine my fucking surprise when I see a video to ''fans'' from Ewan talking about racism and I'm like…well Disney is shady AF they could totally do something stupid…oh no no kids, Disney didn't do shit it's the ''fans'' attacking Moses Ingram, and for what? Her skin color? THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! I dare you to come at her again, cuz us, the real fans? We resist. We will end you. What has happened in the past two years to bring out all of human malice? When did we turn so wrong to turn so fucking evil and selfish and judgemental and plain horrible? This is not a world I feel comfortable in you know. Like at all. And I'm trying to change it, in part, changing that what surrounds me, that what I can. But sometimes I feel like I am alone in my actions and they're not enough. 

In other more positive news (well probably not if you ask the Guardian reporters – all braindead sheep my god. No that's an insult to sheep, amebas on fleas on rats. That fits. How do you become a reporter these days? Apply with an IQ test and if the result is room temp you're hired? Most likely). Johnny Depp won the court case. To say that I am overjoyed will be an understatement of the year. I will not stand for a single word of support for Amber. Not one. If you're on her side, get the hell away from me, block me, delete me, forget I exist, we do not support abusive, lying, manipulating, flaming pile of garbage that is AH in this house. In the mass of messages that I got about ''watching your fave with rose tinted glasses'' let me point out that I heve never in my life claimed that he's an angel. We all have our flaws. BUT I do have friends that had their lives ruined by false accusations that they couldn't battle on court over, couldn't prove their innocence and couldn't recover their careers. Me too turned into something completely toxic, and understanding that a man can also be a victim of abuse felt like science fiction. Listen to me and listen to me good, a man can totally be a victim, of abuse, physical, mental, manipulative, etc. And this right here, the fact that Johnny won a case that in theory was not about abuse at all but defamation which she is guilty of on all accounts is a huge step in the right direction. Not just for him mind you but for all men, why? Amber was like ''you do that Johnny, you go up there and tell them that I, Johnny Depp, a man, am a victim of domestic abuse''. Well guess what bitch? He did. And the world listened. And you are done. And the evil has been defeated. I hope the only role she ever gets again is in Discovery ID's crime series ''evil lives here''. 

All y'all crying to me about oh the veridict is a setback for all women. Are you stupid? Seriously, are you? Just so I know because if you are we have nothing to talk about anymore, but if not and you're willing to understand let me explain something super simple to you. There's a difference between freedom of speech, being courageous to tell what happened to you, fighting for your justice and this? This aint that. This is lies upon lies to ruin a man's life and career. The veridict isn't setting women back, her stupid lies did. When in the future women speak out it's not going to be Johnny's veridict that's the issue, it's going to be Ambers lies that will make all their stories even harder to believe. What the veridict did is give justice to ALL victims, proved that both genders can suffer abuse and showed you that justice will prevail if you speak the truth. And I can not believe how fucking stupid her fans and the media are, let me break it down for you idiots to understand. Amber did NOT lose because she spoke up against an ''abuser''. She lost because the lawsuit was about defamation, which means that SHE LIED. She made it ALL up. That's what it means. That's what the jury decided on. And if you can't accept that she is a lying abuser than you're either too stupid or part of the problem as well. Think about that for a minute while I go to more pleasant topics.

God this post hasn't really started yet and I'm running out of wine already. My god why is life so fucking stresful. Maybe I should flip to Rammstein videos instead. Oh my god you guys have you seen / heard Angst and Dicke titten? I laughed so hard. I love this band. Just missed their show which makes me super depressed but someday….someday when I'm not spending like 2k on tickets for other bands. Of course lets all after a 2 year break go on tour and bankrupt our fans. Smh.

I'm so fucking sick of the world lately that I keep getting lost in fantasy worlds and I finally got to this baby…

THIS POST WILL CONTAIN MASSIVE ''CROOKED KINGDOM'' SPOILERS SO PLEASE ONLY CARRY ON IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH READING THEM.

First of all, first of fucking all. How dare you Leigh?! Matthias my beloved. My heart hurts for him and for Nina and for what could of been. Second of all. THE BATHROOM SCENE! I am freaking out. That was just so cute and so fucking intimate and gentle and just asdfghjkl! You feel me? I thought I'll combust when reading that. Men written by women just don't exist if I said that once I said it a million times and it's the god honest truth. 

Now to carry on, how beautiful is this hard back edition? I don't have that many most are soft covers but like look at it! The gold foiling really gets me frothing at the mouth like a god damn Niffler. And the illustrations of the main characters in the back are just gorgeous. 

Alright a quick synopsis of the book;

''Welcome to the world of the Grisha.

Kaz Brekker and his crew of deadly outcasts have just pulled off a heist so daring even they didn't think they'd survive. But insteas of divvying up a fat reward, they're right back to fighting for their lives.

Double – crossed and badly weakened, the crew is low on reasources, allies, and hope. As powerful forces from around the world descend on Ketterdam to root out the secrets of the dangerous drug known as jurda parem, old rivals and new enemies emerge to challenge Kaz's cunning and test the team's fragile loyalties.

A war will be waged on the city's dar kand twisting streets – a battle for revenge and redemption that will decide the fate of the Grisha world.''

I think this was a fantastic sequel! Really. I'm usually a bit vary when it comes to part two. You know that whole fear authors have of their second book never living up to their first? Yeah that. And it also shows in so many books, so many stories. They never live up to the expectations. But there's no fear of that in this book. It's absolutely amazing. The way the story flows, the language, the plot twists. Everything (except Matthias dying god damn it) is perfect. I don't always enjoy books as much as I enjoyed this one and this is not the wine talking. Lol. 

The book in theory revolves around Kaz getting back one of his crew members. Which one? Inej. Of course. What did you think will happen if Inej is gone? Kaz will probably burn the entire world down to get her back. Of course. Don't we all need some of that in our lives? Someone to rely on. Someone to be there when things are rough and knowing they'll always be there to back you up or drag you from hell. Sigh. Could be that I'm hoplessly romantic and that's not how it is but…Inej aside the hunt is also not just to get her back bu to get back what was promised to them in the Six of Crows. The begining. The story is a great twist of money, revenge, power, greed, but also trust and friendship and most important love. And even more important, Kaz trying to get over his trauma, to move on, to be what Inej needs. ''I will have you without armour Kaz Brekker or I won't have you at all.'' Oh be still my beating heart. 

People complain about POW's changing each chapter but I actually really like that because it gives you an insight into characters and what they think, feel, want. It would be hard to completely understand their backgrounds if the story was written only from one point of view. Though lets not pretend that any chapters were my favourite besides those of Kaz and Matthias. Don't I just love them troubled, brooding, violent boys. This has everything, love, adventure, action, adventure, plot twists, you can't put it down till you finish it I promise. 

What I especially loved was the characters, the progression and how they evolved in this book. We see this whole new depth to them, they all faltered, they were cheated by their enemies, they seeked revenge but in that revenge they also found hope and trust and made that bond between them stronger, because they knew they have each other and mostly Kaz to get them out of this mess. Don't we all need a Kaz? No seriously I know I already said that above but like don't we? Someone to trust, someone with just enough malice and just enough strength to be there when all else fails? Just someone to lean on and know will help you when all else fails. I suppose that could be called family, but not that I would know, I tell my family good morning in the wrong ''tone'' and they decide to not talk to me for a whole week, and act like I'm not here at all. It's taken me to be almost thirty to understand that this is abuse. When you're supposed to talk things out but all you get is silence. It's kinda funny, so many arguments in my house revolve around ''what the fuck is wrong with you'' well apparently a lot but who's to blame for it huh? I bet it's not that hard to figure it out, just easier to blame others…

I felt heartbroken for Inej how her capturing affected how she viewed what her and Kaz had. I hated all the doubt. Understood it but hated it. Leigh congrats though, the way you made Kaz always win her back by actually proving himself to her not just with empty promises. That's just beautiful writing right there.  Maybe I just understand Kaz. I understand why he's a ''monster''. He is what he is, created by the city that eats you up and swallows you. I get that. I get being broken because of the people and your surroundings. The only difference is that Kaz is a genius and I'm just me. And if anything I find inspiration. Not in his malice (even if it was well placed) but in his will, his wits, inteligence, never letting his enemies get the upper hand, never letting anything to chance.  And I love how the ''romance'' between him and Inej is pictured. THE BATHROOM SCENE! It's realistic, it's not twisted to fit some modern idea of romance but it's in tune with Kaz's trauma. And it's realistic because they are both ruthless and strong and dangerous to be honest and yet they both nearly combust when showing each other a tiny bit of weakness and vulnerabilty. And then there's that moment. Inej convinced that Kaz would never want her back if she was ''broken''. If her legs were damaged he'd not want her, and what does he do to reasure her? He - and I believe this is the most romantic he knows how to be – tells her;

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.''

I found that absolutely beautiful. And what is also beautiful is the fact that LGBTQ+ comunity represented in this book is something that is completely normal and not frowned upon. As it should be, but more often than not it isn't. Also, the whole world that Leigh created, the cities, the cultures, the languages, amazing. So creative and so different than just regular fantasy worlds. Russian inspired just gives it this extra edge, this extra push to make it so compelling, and different. I love the writing style so much tbh, it's amazing, flowy, easy to read, impossible to put down and it feels like she invites us into this world for a little vacation. (Some vacation in Ketterdam huh? Lol).

Oh and another major spoiler, we get some of the Shadow and bone characters for a little while in this book. Which I find super cool. I was just slightly threw off with the whole ''was'' for Alina. I mean I couldn't recall when she died lol. Then I realised she lost her power and lived a normal life with her husband. Happily ever after kinda thing. Cute. 

All in all mind blowing book, character and plot developments out of this world. A worthy sequel and I'd totally recommend it to anyone that likes some action and adventure and some really greatly written plot twists. 

And another thing to recommend to you guys. The new Top Gun movie ''Maverick''. Oh my god though it took 36 years, should be 34 but..thank you Corona…but it was so worth the wait. I love the original as is, those of you close to me know that I basically know it by heart, I go ape shit crazy for ''great balls of fire'' lol and this? This was amazing. I loved every single moment, it was funny, it was emotional, it was creative, it was as it should be. Maverick that we all love who hasn't changed a bit. A beautiful moment with Val Kilmer. A new ''Iceman'' just as arrogant but sweet as Ice was…And little baby Goose – with a call name Rooster. I love him. Guys! First of, Tom Cruise? The mad man himself? Much sexier than all his younger co stars just saying. He flies the plane himself you know that? So cool. And it's a Mustang. Beautiful plane. Hit me with all the nostalgia when there's an appearance of an F-14 Tomcat. I died. That thing though ''ancient'' (thank you Rooster) is absolutely gorgeous. Speaking of the Mustang, there's a model you can put together I believe. I wanna try that sometime. Put together my own model, a tank or a fighter jet. Should be a fun project huh? Kinda artsy too.  

Cute story but my grandfather was just like Maverick. I read his flight log book, and how his flights were graded. Badly. Lol. Great pilot but huge problem with authority. Hm I wonder where I got that from aye? Lol. Reckless, doesn't like to listen to orders, doesn't fly by the rules, doesn't do this, doesn't do that. Yep sounds about right, I have heard that one too many times, especially the authority part. Funny. Made me wish he was there with me, watching, he'd LOVE these new fighter jets. It was his dream to fly a 14 and these new planes? 5th gen? Holy shit. All in all go see it it's really amazing, and then get your bodies ready for Elvis. Just so you know I shrieked when the trailer played in the theatre and possibly bit all the way to bone on my finger in order to prevent more screaming and weird looks from other mortals. Psh. 

Alright enough of my bullshit for at least a month, so enjoy this doodle of Mav that I did while having too much time before the movie started. I need to take my sketch book with me more often. I like doing these little doodles…

Cheers guys.

No mourners, no funerals.

''We'll take this city, might burn it down, we'll break this city, and wear it like a crown''.

About time I sit down and write some of my own content huh? If only I can force my brain to co - operate. Oh my god you guys I am so tired. This week felt like an entire year. A year of bullshit and trauma and bad shit piled upon bad shit. I guess many of us feel that way but it's really been a bit much. And people wonder why I drink. And then suddenly I'm sitting in my grandmothers living room, drinking orange juice out of my mason jar, pretending to be ''healthy'' and she takes a sip going ''your juice went bad'', I'll count myself lucky that she didn't figure out that the juice that went bad was mostly vodka. Or wait, maybe she did know and decided to be quiet about it. Did y'all know Romania has vodka in like mini milk cartons? Imagine how convenient, I'd love that, going on my way sipping on vodka looking like I'm drinking milk. Sip sip bitch. 

Now that aside, since there are all but zero pleasures in my life besides booze, books and drawing, you can expect the posts to spin around those topics. I won't ramble on about music because well what's the fucking point? I want to slit my wrists knowing concerts might happen just without me there. I haven't seen a gig since my birthday in 2019, and I swear I am in physical pain. In other news I'm actually happy I decided to participate in Inktober 52 this year because despite having a hard time getting the proper materials (do people even understand what Micron not Omicron but Micron graphic liners are?) and ripping my hair out over lacking creativity and drawings that are somehow just never good enough for me, that aside it's still something I look forward to each week (only I'd be so sadistic to look forward to stressing myself out each week…well when stress is all you know…). A new drawing prompt is at least something that keeps my brain stimulated and working. This weeks prompt though (keep an eye out for the post on IG tomorrow) is a recycled Inktober idea, but that's not due to lack of ideas but firstly because some people when you say stripes all they see is a zebra and all I see is Gomez Addams. Y'all know I can't resist drawing my favourite couple. So I took my ''suit'' prompt from October and elevated it to a higher level. Why do I sound like judges in Masterchef right now? You need to take this plate and elevate it to a higher level. Lol. If they said that to me, the elevation I'd do is throwing the plate in their heads. But I'm off topic and this is a rant for another day. 

Alright so no, unfortunally for you I'm not sharing cocktail recipes with you today, though I should, feels like I'd do something good for the community, nor am I sharing a detailed description of a highly erotic dream I had in which a specific very attractive man explored every inch of my body (and I his) and let me tell you something just thinking about it makes all the cells in my body combust in fire, the hands, the hair pulling, the biting and choking. I'm going to start panting just thinking about it. Lol. So instead I'll be boring and I'll give you a book review and oh my god you guys what a book it is! I loved it from the first page to the last. 

Before I say anything at all about the content, look at that beaufitul collectors edition book. All satin black and red foiling! I am obsessed with all the pretty shiny foiling! The ''Niffler'' in me is going crazy. Lol you don't even see the way it sparkles on the picture but trust me, it's perfect. And how about that character art? Sharing my favourite couple obviously but there's other characters that are just as pretty. And the red pages! I am in love. 

You'll remember the author Leigh Bardugo from my other reviews. The Grisha verse triology, and my obsession with the Darkling. I'm still right there, my poor mistreated baby…sigh. This is a duology though and I've yet to read the second part, which I'm struggling with due to a massive spoiler I saw (seriously people flag and tag your ''porn'' we don't wanna see that shit) and it's kinda…you know not something I wanna see. Puts you off from reading. I'll get there eventually though.

Before you continiue this post will obviously contain massive spoilers for ''Six of crows'', so if you haven't read it, I'd say, get off your butt and go get a jug of vodka and juice (or just vodka, hey I aint judging) instead, and if you did read it and still wanna read my ramblings and ravings, welcome, I'm so happy to have you here. 

Straight off the bat, this book is so hyped up. Everyone is talking about it, everyone is reading it, everyone is raving about it. That's usually another turn off for me because it was proven again and again that something that the masses love, I tend to hate. I can't help it, that's just how it is, my brain is hardwired the wrong way, I explained that a couple of times before. I'm usually a bit scared to go read super hyped up books because of that reason alone. I tend to be disappointed in the end, I'm looking at you 365 days. Utter garbage believe me. 

Excuse me I was interrupted by my mother yelling downstairs ''your mafioso is on tv'', could be many of them tbh but it was Thomas Shelby which obviously means all my undivided attention in a heart beat. My god that man. And oh dear god those crystal clear baby blues, like a hurricane on a Scandinavian coast. A blue so deep you don't even see the bottom. Sigh. I'm lost in a fantasy, ignore it, I'll pull myself together and pretend I'm any good at book reviews. Hey we're not all writers, some of us are just bullshitting through life, pretending we know what we're doing. Pretending our lives aren't going to shit or that we have any control at all. Pretending everything is fine when we open the car door on a parking lot and stumble outside in a landslide of cans and bottles. But seriously don't drink and drive kids, you may spill your drink (Joke. Seriously it's a joke, if y'all still know what humor is).

So super hyped up book, I had a hard time finding someone who wouldn't like it. Which tbh, fair enough, it's a fantastic book. It's beautifully written, full off action, a little ''constipated'' romance with fools who don't understand they're in love (aren't we all right there though?) and criminals that in the end their biggest crime will be stealing your heart.  Oh wait! Before we go on, this has very little actual ties to the Grishaverse triology but I'd still suggest you read those first because then this will make more sense. I kinda would call it the unofficial part four since it's happening after the events in the third book of the triology, but also not really, it's part four in the way of a fully established fantasy world. Or well you can watch the tv show because they brilliantly combined the two. That was a stroke of genius tbh to combine the triology and duology in one action packed tv show. Great job to whoever came up with it. 

So this story alternates betweeen six characters obviously since it's titled ''six of crows'' six crows…and I am not usually  the biggest fan of the plot  being split between two points of view never mind six! But I found myself enjoying the way this plot works especially since with every separate character and their chapters we learn a bit more of their backstory which really explains who they are and how they became the way they were. Let's be honest they're essentially teenagers but act more mature than fifty plus year olds around me. Obviously something  (life) made them that way.

They're described as followed;

- A convict with a thirst for revenge 

- A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager

- A runaway with a privileged past

- A spy known as the Wraith

- A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums

- A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes

The plot focuses on an impossible heist for a huge reward. Meaning a large chunk of money, but what the points of view switching tells us is different motivation. Everyone has a different reason for needing money, for needing to complete the task at hand.  And in more than one case it's not about the money but rather in buying freedom. If that's not something I'd understand more then well right now then nothing is.

I take it Kaz is pretty much the main character here, the story revolves around him. Dirty hands. The bastard of the barrel and the brilliant criminal mind who undertakes insane missions and heists in order to build up an empire and a name and all fueled by revenge. Yes I understand that too. Revenge just might be my biggest motivation as well. In some aspects of life that is. The story shows us some of the impossible missions he already undertook and then introduces us to the heist that is so daring and so crazy, even he may not make it happen. Does he though? Well read the book...

Wait a second, I didn't even think of it this way before but in this book I have two favourites, one being Kaz, who is essentially a gang leader…of course he is. And the other is Matthias who is blond and blue eyed. Son of a bitch. I really never stray far from my likes…and I didn't even realise. Sigh. 

Ironically I can relate to the cold hearted and ruthless part of Kaz most. The part that doesn't care how much violence something needs to get it done, and the part of him that does anything in his power for those he cares about. Yeah. He's dealing with his trauma, there are reasons he is the way he is and that's another thing I can perfectly understand. Don't we all have some sorta fucked up baggage we can't really process?

I'm literally in between typing this solving quizes online on who is my Grishaverse soulmate, already assuming all I get is the Darkling but lets keep the options open…hm first result says Nikolai, second says Kaz and the third one said Nikolai again. Well makes sense, another pretty blond. Lol. And it shows my mind is all over the place if I can focus on one simple task at hand. Finishing this damn post that I've been working on and off pretty much the entire day.

I actually think this may be the first heist book I've ever read. Seriously. I can't remember any before this one, it was always hurt / comfort. Mutual pining. Heartache. Heartbreaks etc…and murder, and vampires. And well angel – human forbidden romances, what can I say I'm predictable. But books with happy endings mind you. Life is so tragic as is I don't want none of that shit in my books as well. So a heist in a fantasy world, with a crazy group of misfits, that may or may not pull it off? Sign me up for that. I'll admit though in the begining it takes a little while for the story to really take off, but I get it's the story / character building so it's okay, it might turn off some readers though. But you guys look at it this way, even in the bedroom you need some foreplay before you go to town…

And what I wasn't too happy about was the cliff ending closure. Like. I do NOT like cliff hangers. This time I'm looking at you The Witcher season 2. I mean fine at least I already have part two but what if you're waiting on it for like…years? I mean I suck at this, the story will keep eating at me and drive me crazy. No closure is something I'm really bad at. Call it personal trauma like Kaz' but really…not my fave thing in the world. Good thing though that this cliff hanger isn't enough to ruin the book for me. Lol. I still love it.  

Completely unrelated but why are so many reviews these days a bunch of people yapping on youtube? Do people honestly watch that? Ridiculous. Everyone wanna be a vlogger or ''influencer'' these days. What a dumb word btw. Actually what a dumb concept. Like anyone really cares what Karen had for breakfast this morning or how she ran out of her favourite shampoo. Sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact how can you take them seriously. Or how can you watch them. Or worse let yourself be influenced by them…so strange. 

Why.Am.I.Constantly.Carried.Away.In.This.Review? Maybe because like a cat avoiding hot porridge, I'm avoiding the topic of Matthias. My sweet baby angel, who was taught to hate all his life but learned to love. Please stab me in the heart because it will hurt less. This whole enemies to lovers thing? I'm a thirsty bitch for it. And after all this growth and development and love…? You get part two of the duology and well…those of you that know know, the rest of you…well I aint breaking your heart. Read the book. With caution though. It hurts.

I'm going to stop rambling and I'll share some of my favourite quotes instead. They're fun and my jumbled mind might manage that better then bullshitting my way trough the story and butchering this review, to simplify all the raving…I love the book, you should read it. 

''Many boys will bring you flowers. But someday you'll meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won't matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.''

''Kaz leaned back. ''What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?''

''Knife to the throat?'' asked Inej.

''Gun to the back?'' said Jesper.

''Poison in his cup?'' suggested Nina.

''You're all horrible'' said Matthias'' 

''I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.''

''When everyone knows you're a monster, you needn't waste time doing every monstrous thing.''

''Brick by brick, I will destroy you.''

One of the best quotes might be this one though;

'' ''They fear as I once feared you'' he said. ''As you once feared me. We are all someone's monster, Nina.'' ''

This is something Matthias says to Nina and when you think about it it's so true for non fantasy world. Matthias and Nina both grew up with their countries at war, both raised with prejudices and hatred bred towards each other and the significant part of it is the truth of it, no matter what you do, you will always be someone's monster. Someone will always believe you to be in the wrong. And the important part is that as this part of the book goes on Matthias tells Nina that she taught him to be something better, which shows us that he went from the hatred he was taught to believe in to seeing the truth. Opening his eyes and seeing the truth, let love win. It's beautiful once you think about it. 

And my absolutely favorite quote because I'm a sappy Italian romantic bitch; 

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together, knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.'' 

Now to end this post…and probably throwing myself into more sadness. Like I need more sadness in my life huh? Today would of been Michael Hutchences' birthday. And that always makes me sad. Do me a favor, play a little INXS for him today. And also the sudden death of the French actor Gaspard Ulliel, god…I can't. He was so talented, and such  a bright light. It's just sad you guys. And it stabs me in the heart each morning when I wake up and see a picture of him in a Chanel commercial on my wall. Sigh. Rest in peace love. 

I think that's it. I think I need to stop playing with madness and shut up, y'all enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay strong on another dreadful Monday. Cheers. Bonus tho if you made it this far, a doodle of Mr. Kaz Brekker. If you read the book or maybe a little bit from this post as well, you'll understand why he's literally me. Or I him. 

Know that I loved you. Know that it was not enough.

Can I for a change instead of whining about my pathetic life, share a song recommendation with you? It's not a new song, it came out in 2017 but it's new to me because I haven't heard it yet. It's Marilyn Mansons ''God's gonna cut you down''. First thing don't try with the ''but he's an abuser / rapist'' bullshit thing with me because then I will cut you down. I am sick to death of cancel culture and second thing you may or may not know that this is originally Johnny Cash's song. Omfg I love it okay. It's amazing. The fact that I find Manson attractive and I nearly had an orgasm on the spot with that music video where he's fucking around with Johnny Depp aside this song is amazing, the voice and the creepy vibe is just…shit it's good ok. Go check it out. While we're at it, that music video with Johnny oh.my.god. Like really I'm fine just a little dead. Would literally kill to be in the middle with them, if only just for the music video. Abuse me papi all day long. Sigh. Wishful thinking. And my beliefs aside, everybody is inncent until proven guilty and the world and people and society shouldn't always just believe women, fact is they lie. Look at Amber Herd. Lying snake. But let's not get there right now, it's Monday, that's reason enough to be upset, I don't need more crap to add to my ''wonderful mood''. 

Now since Inktober took too much time I also didn't get to finish the last book in the Shadow and bone triology by Leigh Bardugo but after picking it up again it took me two hours to get through it. Got totally sucked in and couldn't put it down. So I'm writing down a quick review. I know y'all hate whining so something cheerfull or at least closest I can get to it instead. There will be spoilers below the photo so in case you haven't read the book, consider yourself warned and stop here. 

Alright so the back cover says ''the capital has fallen and the Darkling rules Ravka from his shadow throne''. We all established there's something wrong with me by now right? So obviously this is the best and only start you need to get me to pick up this book. Obviously I was team Darkling from the start, darkness is what pulls me in and it sure as fuck didn't help they casted Ben Barnes as the Darkling. Wtf? Are y'all crazy? How do you expect us not to like them when you make them THAT pretty? Impossible. 

Straight of the bat, people complain (they always do about every book I like) about character development. That it's lame, that Alina turns weak. But for me character development was great and Alina did not turn weak, to me she is strongest she could ever be, why? Because she chose! to sacrifice everything she loved to save people, her country, to get rid of the darkness forever, no matter the sacrifice and no matter the price. That is not weak, that's bloody heroic. 

Ruin and Rising being the third and final book in the Shadow and bone series I think it really goes out with a bang and makes you excited to read the spin off series. Obviously I have all of them already but too little time to read them all. Lol. Particularly excited for King of scars. I love me some pirate prince with a ridiculous charm about him. He reminds me of someone in my life, ridiculously handsome and confident, always knows the right thing to say, always knows how to uplift people's spirits. Always perfect. Hey look at that, I don't only like the Darkling but also this light and bubbly prince. Cute. Tho in Ruin and Rising there's a brief moment when he goes pretty dark…maybe that's what convinced me. Hah. 

Serious more huge spoilers follow that will ruin the book for you, last warning to turn away.

In touch with my dark side I kept hoping there's an ending for Alina and the Darkling. Darklina? Light vs. darkness? I would love to see that story unfold, I would love to see how it wouldn't be the traditional, light has to defeat darkness but light and dark ruling together, balancing each other out. Instead of letting Alina get corrupted she brings out what's the best in the Darkling. That would actually be a great plot twist and also when the tv show comes to it I really don't want to watch Ben Barnes die lol. But instead we go for the cliche option (don't get me wrong it's still great, just predictable) nation waiting for salvation, the sun summoner broken and helpless, looking for a way to defeat the darkness. Defeat it with the third amplifier for her powers. The firebird. Well we all saw how well that turned out. I kept having this huntch when I started reading, the firebird is probably not a bird. It's a woman, it's an illusion, it's an idea. Well I was sorta right but I could never have anticipated that the ''firebird'' will ended up being Mal. Oh my god. That was shocking. Out of all people it had to be Mal. Just how cruel is that? You have to kill the ''creature'' to gain it's power to have the amplifier. Can you imagine Alina having to go into battle against the dark with Mals' bones around her wrist? Unimaginable. Which is where Alina strength shows, the fact that she was able to kill Mal to save her people. That's not weak. That's strong. 

I didn't expect the ''cruel'' joke played on her, I didn't expect Mal dying and her losing all her power. But I have to say the plot twist in which we learn that power amplified by hundreds is not in one person but in several hundred people. That is such a brilliant twist I can only applaud Leigh for it. My heart hurt for the Darkling. The heartbreak he felt when she turned ''common'' where their possible future was stripped away, when he realised he's all alone again. He was just a boy, burdened with too much power, missunderstood, alone. I can relate to too many of his problems and too many parts of him. This book also brought us the resolution of what is his real name!? Finally in another plot twist we learn it's ''Aleksander Morozova'' yes, as in Morozova's madness, Morozova's amplifiers. Thing is I expected him to be the actual Morozova not his grandson but okay. Not too shocking since they're ancient and immortal. 

I love love love this world inspired by Tsardom Russia. It's unique, there's not one fantasy world like it around. You know when picking up fantasy books with fantasy worlds you expect a Tolkien style world, elfs, dwarfs, hobbits or vampires and werewolves but you don't really expect a world inspired by Russia or Russian rulers. The flow of the book, story, story world is just amazing, it feels like it's Russian but it also feels like it's not, like it's new and different. Fantastic writing and imagination by Leigh once again. 

Another thing I love about character development here is that things are not black and white at all, bad guys can do good things and good guys can do bad things. Not everybody is perfect and not everything is always as it seems. Which is why I'm also pissed that Darkling dies. I just wanted to see him reach his full potential. Do good, be good, with Alina by his side. Sigh. But I know better than anyone that you can't force love if it isn't there. You can't force your heart to love someone if it pines and longs for another. Though it was hard staying team Darkling the entire time, some of the moments with Mal all but ripped my heart out…Mal has a way with words and their heartache is relatable;

''I would have been different too, without you. Weaker, reckless, afraid of the dark, but no matter who or what I was, I would have been yours.''

Sigh. Do you ever wonder, what you'd be like, without certain people? If things wouldn't happen like they did? If you didn't do the things you did, walk the paths you walked. If you were different. Would you be happier? Isn't this though all we want, a place to call our own and a person to call ours. Might be my hoplessly romantic Italian blood again but words such as ''I'm all yours'' will literally turn me into a puddle. 

I like Alina because it's easier to relate to her. As I said above, she is not perfect. Far from it. She does bad things too. She makes mistakes, which means that though people call her a saint, she's human. We need more of such heroes and heroines because nobody wants perfection, nobody wants picture perfect that can never do wrong. We want something we can relate to. At least I do. It may be fantasy I'm reading but even in that fantasy…people should be people. Inperfect, flawed, human. 

Which goes both ways, darkness is also relatable. It's so hard to hate the Darkling because he is relatable as well. We all love the bad boys don't we? We all love the evil in these characters (it's actually alarming how many of my faves are considered problematic or ''evil'') but I don't think that the Darkling is evil, as said above, he's just…missunderstood, he has good intentions I think. I think he really loved his country, I think he really wanted what's best for it, which is why I'm pissed the character development here ends with his death. I'd just want to see what it could be. Through the series it's a rollercoaster with him, first you're intrigued, then you're fascinated, and you're charmed, and you feel bad for him and you love him and then you hate him and then you're pissed off like I am. Maybe it's just the fact that loving darkness and evil is easier and cooler than being the good guy at all times. Who knows. But what I do know is that ''evil'' is much more complex, it has many more layers, it takes more understanding. You want to know what makes them tick, you want to peal back all their ''evil'' layers and see what made them, them. 

Maybe if Mal stayed dead there could be a ''Darklina'' conclussion but truth to be told if he was dead I'd also be pissed. Ha. I don't know I think I'd need an alternative ending because the ending that we got is perfect and I'd not change a single thing about it. Alternative one should be only for my love of the Darkling (god damn you Ben Barnes and your ridiculously charming face). I read reviews from readers that hated the ending. Hated Mal, hated him for ''only showing interest in Alina when she liked someone else''. Did he really? I didn't see it that way. I think he did always love her just never had the guts to fess up. Come on, lets be honest. How many of us do actually have the balls to tell our best friends we love them? I don't know such a person. Second reason to hate Mal was an overly feministic way of looking at things ''girls you need to give up everything to be with your man''. As in Alina gave her power away and stayed with him. How stupid is that? And what kinda idiot writes that? One that clearly didn't understand the book at all. Alina didn't sacrifice her power for Mal, she literally sacrificed Mal to save her world. How is that giving up anything for love? It's sacrificing love for everything. It's poetic and beautiful really, in a time when men wont even sacrifice the remote for you when there's a sporting event going on. Sigh. Another dumb thing was people saying the book is teaching girls to not be extraordinary, to be ordinary and common because that will bring them a happy ending. That's another dumb comment and I can't relate. I'm more than certain Mal would of loved extraordinary Alina non the less. I think the only real issue here was the fact that Alina's power was tearing them apart, people's expectations of her, and people's placement of him. It wasn't him, it was everyone around them, pulling them apart. 

Don't get me wrong I'm still a complete simp (look at that yo girl learned a new word) for the Darkling but I actually found myself loving the ending. True love wins. Always. Right? The book ends with the line ''they had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things, if love can ever be called that''. Oh be  still my beating heart. Beautiful conclussion to this story, and also bitter sweet. Alina says in the book ''I have loved you all my life Mal, there is no end to our story.'' I wish there'd be no end to the actual story, I'd wish for a few more books, I hope there's at least some ''guest staring'' in the ones I have yet to read. But all good things must end right? Well except Motley Crue. Lol. 

What I also love about this particular edition is that there's bonus material at the end. You have a Darkling prequel story titled ''The Demon in the Wood''. I wasn't particularly impressed with it but you know there's never enough of him (seriously Leigh how about you do a ''Mr. Gray'' and put out a book from his point of view? Omfg I would so love that!). This short story talks about the Darkling being just a lonely boy, before he became the Darkling. I think it's a good point of view for those that are not really team Darkling and for those that wish to understand. To see into him, to see what made him the ruthless and powerful leader that he was. To the rest of us it's just another thing to break our hearts. If you look at him purely as the most poweful Grisha, as a fierce leader, as evil, this will make you feel empathy and hurt, for him. Things really never are black and white. Shut up. I love him so much. It's not his fault after all, because how can you run from what's inside you? You can't. sooner or later you'll end up dead. I am trash for evil and villains and I would sell my soul for a whole book of the Darkling. Seriously. Just make it happen. Please. I beg you. What we learn from this tragic novella is that the Darkling or Eryk as he's called then is hunted like an animal. Hunter by children hungry for power. What it teaches us people's greed and hunger for power. It teaches us it's never enough and people will literally walk over bodies to get what they feel they deserve. Yes, the Darklings evilness definitely is a product of his environment. However cruel he is, he is because of the cruel environment that made him that way.

And you know what's funny? I don't usually read these bonus material things or previews into part two or whatever it is that people shove up at the end of the book but clearly this one peaked my interest right away. Darkling. My baby. Omfg did you know what they shot part of Narnia (which I only watched for Ben Barnes) right here, like few miles away from me? But Ben wasn't here. Sigh. So sad. I could do with some drooling over his perfect face. Lol. Oh fangirling aside, he did a movie ''Dorian Gray'', I take it we all know the story? Well I really liked his take on the story so y'all might wanna check it out. Ohhhh I need a book so bad. Dorian Gray. Just got a new Monte Cristo (so in love with it omfg) and apparently same series has Dorian Gray too. Want! 

I just made this ridiculously long. Excuse my ranting, I have too much time on my hands while trying to remove endless pictures off my phone. God damn lack of space. Do phone creators know that deleting pictures of Henry off my phone is like murdering off my children? Wtf? I need endless space. Think about that. Now before this becomes any longer and unbearable…my fellow Grisha verse fans…who are we thinking as Nikolai Lantsov in the tv series? Overly excited about that. I have like three in mind, one being Armie Hammer the obvious choice for me, the ridiculous charm in that daft Disney movie kills me each time I watch it. Or Dacre Montgomery. He killed the whole sexy long haired thing in Stranger things (Billy better be back in new season! Idk how but I just want him back) or OR Douglas Booth. Can you just imagine that? 

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a ''Ben Barnes reads thirst tweets'' video waiting for my full undivided attention. Just know if he read any of mine…well y'all will probably hear me scream. Cheers, lovelies, have a great week. 

P.S. Never doubt where my loyalties lie…(this is just above my desk).

“I like to have powerful enemies. Makes me feel important.”

After setting some things straight, mostly in my head and mostly with myself, it's been a week not from hell for a change. Nothing to alert the press about just yet…just, bearable. Things are still crazy, and life is still hard but at least every breath is not painful torture or maybe I had two glasses of wine too much at lunch, who knows. Might also be the fact that it's finally October and I've honestly been looking forward to ''Inktober'' all year. I didn't know before but there's also apparently ''Inktober 52'', meaning 52 prompts because there are 52 weeks in a year, so a drawing a week. Obviously I am joining that next year as well. Ink drawings might not be my go to medium but I love to try new things and try to grow and not suck at drawing in ink anymore. But seriously overly excited because I have so many ideas for Inktober and so many of my fave things to incorporate in the drawings! 

All that aside, only thing you're getting today is another book review because I am damn proud of actually finishing another book. Only like 50 left to go. At the moment anyways. Honestly, to be fair, book buying and book reading should be separate hobbies. I mean I'm like obsessed, buying too many books, they are EVERYWHERE at this point and yet I'm slow or lazy in reading these days. Alright so I finished the second part in the Shadow and Bone triology ''Siege and storm'', by Leigh Bardugo.

I'm still a slut for the Darkling despite everything. Just saying. 

Now, I have an account set up on ''Goodreads'', not to connect with people (ew) but to keep track of what I read and what I still want to read, mostly though because as I said books are everywhere and I tend to forget which ones I already have, then buy another copy. I'm looking at you Frankenstein. Now I avoid reviews on Goodreads at all costs. Why? Almost always reviews to books I want to read are fucking negative. Like I don't know is something the matter with people (what am I saying of course everything is the matter with people) or is something the matter with me? I guess I just don't like what everyone else seems to like. Everyone freaked out over 50 shades of Gray and honestly? Massive disappointment. Anyways reading negative critique after negative critique would only turn me off from reading a book and it would be a damn shame because I'd be missing out on something I actually end up liking. And not to mention spoilers. I tend to avoid those like the plague.

First things first, we meet Nikolai Lantsov in this book and he is just the coolest character, pretty, funny, charming, smart, sarcastic. A ''pirate'' gotta love him obviously. Btw I am extremely salty over the fact that someone like Prince Nikolai only exists in books and all we get are the boring Princes like Charles and William. Nobody makes pirate princes no more? Asking for a friend.

Second thing the line ''I have loved you all my life Mal, there is no end to our story'' killed me. Like for real killed me. Lines in books sound so different when you can apply them to your own lives or see them through things you yourself experienced at some point. They tend to hurt more because at the end of the day, the book may have a happy ending but life doesn't. 

I gotta say though, the book felt a bit slow at times, like things weren't really moving forward or say fast enough, till you get to the last two chapters where everything literally explodes. I really liked the new characters introduced though, and the progress of where the story goes and how the ''plot thickens''. Now despite Alina and Mal sorta being a thing and then not and then sorta being a thing again, I'm still team Darkling. Listen to me if you didn't want us to be on his team why the hell would you cast Ben Barnes as the Darkling? Seriously! His smile alone soaks ladies panties. Omfg! You guys did you see he's a singer now? I died. A little. Okay a lot. Not my type of music at all but sweet cheeks you can sing me to sleep every night. just saying. 

Mal Mal Mal. People don't like Mal. I don't really know why because my ''Darklina'' feelings aside I have no issues with him. He's a bit stupid at times admittedly but come on he's a guy, he can't help himself. He fucked up several times, I wanted to punch him in his stupid face when Alina reveals something really important to him and he just leaves. LEAVES! I hated him there but the other cute moments were really cute and y'all know I'm a slut for a little romance. Touch starved or love starved or how they call it. Sometimes I wonder if Mal and Alina are end game ( I'm guessing they are anyways, still have book nr. 3 to read ) because essentially they are all each knows. I mean Mal is all Alina knows and vice versa. It's always been them against the world and I can't but wonder, is that good enough reason to be together. Romantically anyways. And unrelated but do guys always have to get drunk and smash things when they get dumped? I mean I always wanna get drunk and smash things (or Henry Cavill) but after a break up I'd much rather wallow in my mysery with a bucket of Ben and Jerry's (this said Ben Barnes before I edited the post, my mind is obviously in the gutter) and Dirty dancing on replay.

Uhhhh the general feel of this book being more ocean themed made me miss the sea so much. I am like dying you guys, for that feeling of a sandy beach beneath my feet and the salty air and the gentle breeze in the heat. I miss the swimming and the sunshine and the annoying cheeky seagulls. When I was a kid we used to be at the sea side every weekend, I mean okay we had a sailboat and our best family friends owned a boat workshop where I used to spend more time than at home. My moms ex would teach me how to sail, he had a license and was a very good captain. I had no idea then that I'll miss those days so much someday. I think that's when I fell in love with the ocean, but lately don't get to spend as much time as I'd want there. The oceam view alone is so calming to the soul. Listening to the waves crash on the shore and look into the clear blue water. If that doesn't calm you down nothing will. I miss it so much. 

Right, back to the book. I enjoyed it. Of course it's not ''A farewell to arms'' but it's a great book and clearly now, I can't wait to pick up part three and start reading. Sometimes thats all you need, a little push in the right direction with a good book. And you know what's best? I already have part three.  Biggest issue is always the fact that I can't get a certain sequel (looking at literally 7 incomplete series in a book stand on the other side of my room).

Alright then, time to dig up my markers and start Inktober! So exciting. Be sure excitement will leave tomorrow already when ideas dry out but for todays theme (crystal) I already have an idea and a sketch.

You and I are going to change the world.

I used to rant on and on and fucking on about ''post concert depression'' but I never imagined I'd come to ''no concert depression''. Oh my god you guys I am dying bit by fucking bit. It's like someone is slowly shutting the car door on my soul. It's hell. Pure and simple torture. There's absolutely nothing worse you can do to me. I was just watching a concert video. I don't know why I do that, I guess this should be called utterly sadistic or excersizing some form of animal torture. I watched till I made myself sick with missing, yearning, longing, dying…there are no words to describe how much I miss tiny, dark, sweaty venues. How I miss people rubbing and grinding over each other and sweating all over each other. How I miss the whole ''spit and sweat'' in the front row. How much I miss strangers passing water to each other that the band threw off stage, people, strangers literally sharing a water bottle. How much I miss the freedom. The love you feel in such a place. 

Sigh…

The concert video…the song ''This is where I belong''. I made myself sick with longing of the belonging (maybe this sadness makes me a poet yet). I never felt like I belong. Anywhere. School. Work. Family. Friends. I don't fit in anywhere but a venue on a Friday night. The smoke. The lights. The music. The people. My people. I'm dying without this feeling. Freedom. Music. Love. At least an animal that suffers is put down. What the fuck should I do?

You truly never know what you have until it's gone. I never took it for granted you know. My music. My concerts. My only real love in my life. But I also never thought there will be a day where I won't have it. I never imagined that listening to music will make me sick instead of happy. I didn't imagine watching a concert video will feel like being repeatedly stabbed in the heart. I never imagined it can hurt this much because I never knew how at the end of the day I'm so lonely and lost and drifting and the only sense, comfort, reason, true love in my life is music. And it's gone now. And I'm lost. More than I ever was in my life. Nothing makes sense no more. At all. I posted a story last year, hoping that 2021 will be better (optimistic bitch) and a poster of a Steel Panther concert announcement, saying if someone or something fucks it up for me I will murder half the town. I wonder why the town is still breathing at this point…

I guess some optimism remains in me yet because I didn't return the Steel Panther tickets, keeping them for the new announced date, and I bought tickets for Guns N' Roses and Aerosmith. GN'R are my babies as is and Aerosmith are a wish I haven't got to check off just yet. The worst part though might be the fact that I feel no excitment and no happiness, I'm actually thinking about what to do with the money when the tickets will be returned and what to do with the heart break and disappointment. I am absolutely broken tbh. Holding concert tickets for my favourite bands used to make me cry with happiness, now it's just…I don't know. I don't know how to describe the feeling but it sure as hell isn't happy.

I won't even add all other pain on top of this. I listened to a new song by a band I really love and the lyrics in said song ''All I want is to feel your love break through, every piece of my heart belongs to you'' killed me. Literally killed me. Literally sobbing in your dark room for an hour because you're feeling too much at nothing at once kinda killed me. Sigh. Sometimes everything is just too much. Absolutely too much and no art, no music, no nothing you used to love helps. Everything is just pain pain pain. I just want to stop feeling like this. I want to stop crying over washing an old pair of jeans and finding guitar picks in the washer when taking them out. Picks that belonged either to my ex or my dad. It's ridiculous how memories just rush in and there's nothing you can do but feel the air knocked out from you and the hurt and the anger and the sadness. Ugh. I fucking hate it. 

I realised just how low I've fallen lately when I don't even keep up with things I was so looking forward to. Like Marvel shows. Loki. Haven't seen a single episode and I used to shriek when it was announced. Sigh. Maybe the fact that I just don't care is the worst. But well I managed something else that I thought just last week was impossible. I picked up one of my million brand new books and actually read it. Yes. Shocking. I'm aware. 

I actually think that book buying and book reading should be two completely separated hobbies. Literally. I seem to enjoy buying books more than I do reading them lately. Might be another aspect of my misery but still. I just love new crisp perfect books and I buy way too many of them. I often wish I had a whole wall of shelves and books stacked by color on them. Lack of space obviously doesn't allow it so now they lay in literally LITERALLY every corner of my room. 

I've had this book for a while. I actually didn't know the author but was really drawn in because of the beautiful design. It's impossible to take a good picture of just how awesome that shiny lettering on the cover is or how beautiful the entire book is. 

I'm shallow, I picked up this book because in the TV show based on the book Ben Barnes who I think is absolutely gorgeous plays lead. No, I haven't seen the series yet but like I said I'm shallow. It was enough to get me interested. I actually very rarely read non fantasy books so clearly this one being a fantasy book I knew I'll like it. As per usual, reviews on the book were not that great, clearly something is wrong with me because I only tend to like books that get like one or two star reviews and I usually hate the top rated ones. I don't know. My brain is hardwired wrong. I'm not saying it's a drop dead amazing Tolkien or Martin type fantasy world (nobody can compete with them anyways), but honestly? Does it have to be? No. I enjoyed it that's all that mattered.

Here's a quick summary from the back cover (of a non collectors edition that is / there's at least 6 copies of this book that I know of); 

''SOLDIER. SUMMONER. SAINT.

Orphaned and expendable, Alina Starkov is a soldier who knows she may not survive her first trek across the Shadow Fold – a swath of unnatural darkness crawling with monsters. But when her regiment is attacked, Alina unleashes dormant magic not even she knew she possessed.

Now Alina will enter a lavish world of royalty and intrigue, as she trains with the Grisha – her country's magical military elite – and falls under the spell of their notorious leader, the Darkling. He believes Alina can summon a force capable of destroying the Shadow Fold and reuniting their war-ravaged country, but only if she can master her untamed gift.

As the threat to the kingdom mounts and Alina unlocks the secrets of her past, she will make a dangerous discovery that could threaten all she loves and the very future of a nation.''

Now first of, who the hell wouldn't fall under the spell of the Darkling, I mean there's nothing quite as attractive as danger. Sexy, misterious, danger. This is the first book in the series of three, there's also ''Siege and storm'' and ''Ruin and rising''. I have both but haven't read them yet. Of course. Even though I'm dying to find out what happens to the Darkling. Another reason my head is screwed on the wrong way, always falling for the bad boy. Like I said danger is ridiculously attractive. After these two there's also a spin of duology ''Six of crows'' and ''Crooked kingdom'' some fans actually say that if you're just getting into this world you should start with Six of crows. I can't say how much sense that makes but then again you also don't watch Star wars in order. There's also two brand new books ''King of scars'' and ''Rule of wolves'', different characters but same story world. Yeah my reading list is ridiculously long. I don't even know when I'll get to them all. Shall I start praying for a new lockdown then? Wouldn't really make a difference since I don't go anywhere anyways. 

You can easily tell that this fantasy world is Russian inspired. It's quite obvious in their names, clothes they wear and also the names of their magical orders; ''fabrikators'' ''corporalki healers'' ''materialki'' etc. I actually enjoyed that fact because I understood everything without a problem. Russian language is not that far removed from mine so that's a bonus for me. Of course I saw people complain about this too because you know the words are not exactly Russian but should they be? I mean book is inspired by Russia it's not supposed to BE Russian. Everyone's a critic these days I swear. 

So the story actually begins with the ''before'' part. When the Grisha show up to test the orphans and inseparable friends Alina and Malyen – Mal for powers that neither seemed to possess. Mal is the other ''eye candy''? I suppose the guy that ''normal'' girls would swoon over. You know the type, cocky, funny, kind and a head turner. All heads turn except mine wouldn't. I'd still be in a corner, salivating over the Darkling and his ''storm cloud'' color eyes. 

Alina is a perfect character because her powers aside she's so easy to relate to, she's the ''nothing special'' kinda girl, skinny, nervous, a type of girl you don't look twice at, pretty invisible type. And more of a loner except for Mal. The way the story is set, in her narrative and clean writing, it's so easy to get sucked into the story from the first moment as Alina and her regiment march into the Shadow Fold ''a swath of nearly impenetrable darkness that grew with every passing year and crawled with horrors''. The Fold is a consequence of magic going really bad and it ends up splittling the land of Ravka in two. But honestly Ravka is not haunted just by the Folds darkness, it's also haunted by the darkness of the Darkling. He'd haunt my dreams in another way if you know what I mean. Lol. Maybe it's not just danger that's attractive, maybe it's also power because he is the most powerful Grisha there is. Or maybe it's just all them pictures of Ben Barnes in black. Oh sweet baby Jesus take the wheel because I am done.

I'm trying to focus on the story here but seriously this ''figure in black'' is making things hard for me. Right, the regiment is crossing the Fold when they're attacked, by creatures called the Volcra, something winged, creepy, monstrous. It's later revealed that they're actually the farmers and their families that lived in the area when the Fold was created. You know like the Orcs, they were Elves first. The regiment is attacked and Alina, the simple map maker, unnoticable little girl, literally explodes with power and what is it? Sun summoner. She can summon light. Isn't that amazing. I mean the ability to summon light aside, but the little girl nobody thinks to look at twice, turns out to be this amazing being that could potentially save the world. Isn't that how it works in the real world too? People only know how to judge and often end up surprised when people you'd least expect turn out to be absolutelly extraordinary. 

After her gift is exposed Alina is taken to Darklings palace to learn the art of the ''Etherealki'' that can control wind, fire, water but she's the only one that can control the light, and Mal is left behind. It's safe to say she's not doing so well with her training, first because it's all new to her and second, the abscence of Mal. But that's just what makes the book great for me, character development and following Alina along her journey to learn more about her powers and the complexity of being a Grisha is really great. It's not just character development that I found great though, it's also the world building. I think it was set really perfectly and easy to get lost in while reading. 

Now I'd love to tell you all about the stag, and the magical amplifiers and that really sexy kiss but then I'd be giving everything away and where's the fun in that? Nah, you guys go read the book and see for yourself what happens. 

Honestly, I thought that the story line and the writing itself are rather incredible. Everything that is described is done so with vivid details while not over the top. It's quite an adventure to follow from start to finish, I actually finished the book in one afternoon, couldn't put it down. To be fair it might be a bit cliche the whole ''dark vs light'' fight but it's anything but, I'm really dying to find out where the story goes in the second and third part. Maybe this is what I really needed, something to really peak my interest and throw me right back into reading and a fantasy world I'll love and get lost in. Anything is better than my harsh reality. Maybe this is what or better yet where I'l let myself get lost this weekend. Lord knows after this week I'd deserve a break I'm not getting, so maybe a date with part two is just what I need. Enjoy the weekend you guys, god knows what nightmare next week brings.

P.S. No stag was harmed in the making of these photos.