''History huh? I bet we could make some.''

You know what I love about books? They allow you to get away. Run. Get lost in a world that's not your own. Forget. Disappear for a while. Live a life that's better than yours, or at least easier than yours. Maybe that's why I love fantasy and romance, but hate crime. I've been...not lazy with reading lately, just preoccupied with other things. When it's about art or reading, art always wins. I think as much as running off to different worlds can be soothing, so is watching a pencil glide on a fresh new sheet of paper. My dopamine, fresh sharpened pencils, and a new block of white paper, endless possibilities to create. Tell you what though, I don't miss the frustrations or tearing my hair out when something goes wrong though. Like my favourite white pen being sold out everywhere, what is this? Insanity? Have you all lost your mind?! Maybe that's why I'm constantly stuck on the next thing, the next drawing, because it allows me to get away. Lost in the careful lines I'm making, or the precise shading I focus on, one tiny square centimeter at a time. 

Anyways I made it a point to read at least one LGBTQ related book during Pride month and since June is running out that's exactly what I did. Picked up a gay romance novel that's been sitting on my desk since...July 20th 2022. Yes I can give you an accurate date, no I am not psycho (a little but not in this situation) but I know because I bought it in Vienna before a Guns n' Roses concert. Lets not assume new releases make it here or that we're open minded enough to read gay books. The horror you guys! Two boys in love! It's the end of the world I tell you. A friend of mine does the same, reads LGBTQ books during Pride month, his choice of the month was ''Call me by your name'' which I read a while back and you can read about here ( click ), and I chose ''Red white and Royal blue'' by Casey McQuiston.

This is another ''I saw the movie before I read the book situation''. I know you guys, you don't have to say it, I'm a sinner that keeps sinning. Abomination after abomination. If there's a literary god he or she will come down just to smite me into atoms for this. 

I was intrigued from the get go because can you imagine the scandal! The first son, the son of the president of America AND a crown Prince of England? In an affair! That would be such a juicy scandal, I'm over here cursing because it's not real. Also it made me think while reading the book, what would happen if a Prince or a Princess felt this way? The crown would never allow it to be public, so they'd be forced to what, hide all their life? Marry somone they decide is a good catch, and live a fake life to please the masses? How fucked up is that? Are we still at a point where we feel people aren't supposed to be happy with who they love, because their love is different? Are we still in a place where we condemn a person, because of love. Love, you guys. Love that should be celebrated, love is the closest thing we have to magic, and the thing that is running low these days. It's so easy to hate, it's so easy to ''fall in hatred'' but it is so hard to commit, to allow yourself to be vulnerable, to fall in love...we should do more of that. No matter who with. We should take every opportunity to be happy and to feel love.

The two main characters of this book are Alex, son of the President of USA, who btw is a woman! Divorced, from Texas, Hispanic ex husband. You can tell it's fiction just from this aye? Lol. Someday maybe. Alex is a student, big into politics, big into making changes, making peoples lives better, he's cocky, he's confident, he's sure of himself, to a point where he comes off as arrogant at times, to everyone around him, except those who actually know him. I think we all know the type right? And then you have Henry. The Prince. Second child of the heir to the throne, I believe that's what the Britts call the ''spare''. Ever considered how ugly that is? You have a second child as a ''spare'' so the bloodline lives in case something happens to the oldest child? Again. Fucked up. Alex and Henry are the perfect opposites because while Alex is cocky and aloof, Henry is reserved, and maybe not shy, maybe rather coy? Calm. Quiet. He's a Prince in every sense of the word, when he has to he knows how to turn on the charm and be the perfect picture of the crown Prince, that people expect. I believe he himself said it best, ''Prince Henry belongs to the people'' and that's what he is, a perfect image for the people. This image of perfection doesn't rub well on Alex though, who has a problem with Henry since the second they met. 

On the surface they both despise eachother, but as you dug deeper in the story, you see this is the furthest from the truth as it could be. The feud started with, was it the Olympics? I think so, which were one of Alex's first events as the first son, Henry being used to the sodding circus and heartbroken over the loss of his father, came off as rude, and perhaps condescending to a very nervous Alex who got it in his head that the Prince hates him. Wouldn't it be nice if people just learned to communicate? Just talk. Speak. Open your mouth. Voice your opinion, not everyone will agree, but at least you were heard. 

So years later these two met again at a wedding, that is Henrys older brothers wedding, we all know what a big deal Britts make of Royal weddings right? I think the entire bloody country stops for a week just to celebrate it. How...I lack the proper word to convey how pointless I find Royals in the year 2024. Idiotic. And this whole feud between Henry and Alex could go under the radar if not for a huge cake covered scandal. I laughed out loud at that, because it is hilarious that accidentally smashing a 75, 000 dollar cake (seriously tho??) can cause an all out international dispute. So with the pressure of getting re-elected the President of USA sends her son back to England to ''smooth'' things over with Henry. Fix their international affairs. Let me tell you thoug it was more than affairs he was fixing. Lol. Seriously though with two ''mortal enemies'' and an international stage like this, what could possibly go wrong? 

It's funny because in the begining it was nothing but duty to their country, to their family that kept them obeying orders and tolerating each other. Smiling through the pain if you will. But that rather quickly changed to an unlikely friendship after being forced in a supply closet, during a possible shooting threat. Ah this reminds me of seven minutes of heaven, no wonder truth came spilling out. Honest conversation you guys that was all it took, to smooth things out. Talking, texting, addmittedly in the begining a lot of it was insults but texting insults went into full on love letters. Electronic that is. (Big mistake). A lot of the story is told through their text and email exchange. I'm still deciding overall if I like this or not. I mean in a way it seems like fillers but on the other hand it gives you a better insight into the character itself. 

I am going insane over the fact that it's a New Years party, where drinks are flowing, emotions are running high, the Prince who kisses Alex and sends him reeling. A literal kiss from the Prince you guys! I mean you know I'm a gothic Barbie at best, but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate the irony of a Princes or true loves kiss on midnight. It came out that Henry liked Alex from the first moment and Alex was just daft. Which man isn't? Tell me ladies, how many times do we find ourselves explaining something to our men, that they are just completely oblivious to seeing? Too many times, that's how many. I gotta tell you, I absolutely loved the slow build up of their relationship, the exploration, mostly Alex, Henry know who he is from the get go, and that's apparently ''as gay as a maypole'', lol. Any Britts round here? The hell is a maypole, and why is it gay? (*Update, I got the response that it's a ''tall wooden erected pole, around which people dance during midsummer. Suddenly everything makes sense. To my SI readers, this is apparently what we call a ''mlaj''.) Alex learning about himself, and his feelings and what it all means...I loved it. Not because Casey did a really good job of conveying the message but also because it made me think about how many Alex's are out there. Maybe a book like this is exactly what they need to be brave themselves. 

It makes you think though, their relationship, their romance, it's impossible, it's doomed from the get go, like a tragic Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah, Cathy and Heathcliff, Tristan and Isolde. Nothing but tradgedy. But fear not my lovelies this book does not end tragic. You know me, you know I can't stomach books with unhappy endings, and you know my best friend, you know he proof reads endings for me. It's hilarious watching peoples faces when we go buy books together, I'm a visual being, I'll pick up a book if I like the illustration on the cover, I'll hand it to him to read last two pages, and then it's either ''uh huh sister this is not for you'' or ''awww you're going to love this'' that decides if I buy it or not. I guess in a way...that's love too. Understanding that committing to a whole long ass book just to be disappointed by the end really isn't my cup of tea, and doing everything in his power to prevent it. 

It's funny you know because...I don't think this book is targeted at teenagers, and I'm pretty sure some saucy bits could make parents blush, but thinking about it, what it would mean for confused and lost teenagers to read such a book, to maybe understand better, to cope. To allow themselves to love. Hell I know I'd love books when I was younger that would make me understand me. Not sexually speaking though we've all established I may be bisexual, Angela Bassett, that's all your fault, so help me Jesus. On a serious note, parents have the talk with their kids, about the birds and bees and all that crap, I think we all had it at some point, awkward and bizarre...but let me ask you this, parents assume, they give you the safe sex speech, but...what if you're not in fact straight? Or just confused...my point is, I'm glad such books exist now, so that the LGBTQ kids have something uplifting to read and feel less alone. Let me point out again, if any of you out there need a safe space to talk, vent, cry, laugh, celebrate, confess, leave me a message here, I promise you, this space is always a safe space to talk. 

A lot of the story revolves around politics, the race to get another Presidental campaign, the campaign itself. Running for office, the press, the duties of Royalty etc. It's all...overwhelming, not to you as a reader but just thinking, the lack of freedom and the sorta opression they all live under. I'm not going to babble endlessly about the book, you have to read it, I'm not spilling the ending either, but! I will tell you about what I loved the most. 

Firstly, Zahra. She's the Presidents deputy chief of staff, often forced to essentially ''babysit'' the Presidents son, or rather fix up the messes he makes. I found that oddly, familiar, I often find myself in the same situation. But I loved her. Funny. Witty. When she told Henry she will ''Brexit his head from his body'' I laughed out loud. 

And secondly. The date. THE FREAKING DATE! I would sell my soul to Satan to have someone take me out like this. Or murder. Jury still out on that. I'm kidding. Maybe. Seriously guys, Henry took Alex in a freaking museum, in the middle of the night, when it was empty, to dance in front of an altar, joking to see if it will catch on fire. Lol. Not to mention he had everything memorised and could explain all artefacts, where they come from and what they mean. Sure a Prince should know his country's history, even if it's all stolen. But for real, I am frothing at the mouth, I am chewing glass, I am crying glitter. The perfection. Me and who? When? A date like this is everything in my book. I mean I'm not saying I didn't have a...simmilar...type of date, but the romance of this is killing me. Perfection defined on those couple of pages. 

And a couple of words on the movie, it's good sure, cast was chosen fantastic, Alex's sister apparently killed off, but of course it's nothing like the book. I think it's a staple we can surely always use. The book is always ALWAYS better than the movie. BUT! And this is exciting, the movie is getting a sequel! I went all iiiiiiiip when I heard about that. I mean it probably won't be based on a book like this is, since there is no book, but can you imagine they get married in the sequel? Oh. My. God. Now that is a royal wedding I could watch. 

Any books you recently read and loved? Re read maybe? Let me know in the comments, always open to new suggestions, that I then never get to read. I am a hopeless case like I said many times before. 

“I love you, I think, and you are my home.”

I've been staring out my window for a good hour now. Just watching the trees. Isn't it funny when fall arrives, they change color and start falling, first one, then two, then a few more and then suddenly they go all together and there's nothing to the tree but the bare ''skeleton''. Long empty branches reminding you of what once was. Ever considered us humans are just like that? People, things, events, trauma, chipping away at us till there's nothing left? Yeah every spring trees get green again, new life, new start…I suppose for us that start is a bit harder to achieve. I never liked the fall, it's the whole dead, cold, dark, wet, gloomy part that follows that I despise, the part I wish I could skip alltogether. 

Which is why there hasn't yet been the post with the summer get away. First off missing the warm summer sun and the beach is one thing, and having no energy to actually edit pictures is another. I have no idea when did photography turn into a chore for me. Just like Inktober. I have no idea when it stopped being fun and it's only my stubborness that made me see things through. And the third reason is that obviously my photos contain pictures of me. Go figure. You know this year is the first year that I actually took a lot of pictures at the beach? I actually felt confident and good about myself so I took tons of pictures in bikinis. I don't usually do that, because well easier to hide behind the lens,  and secondly I don't want that kind of attention. 

I find it so upsetting how many people that haven't talked to me in YEARS reached out to me after posting just one picture on Instagram. By people I mean men. Why do women put up with men? Because when I complain and my best friend says ''oh you know Nikki not all men…'' she's right. Henry Cavill would never. But really, and this is a question for my guy readers. You think being sleazy will make us magically drop our panties? You think gross comments will make us swoon? You think I appreciate it when you tell me my art is fine but you rather look at me? I'm offended not flattered. This is not a ''in a room full or art I'd still stare at you'' type thing, all you made me feel is like a shitty artist or just not good enough or just…how is a friend a friend if they can't support your work but stalk your private profile? Like I can't…this is a when you wear something with a cleavage and men stare down your shirt instead of into your eyes when you talk type thing.

You think cheap pick up lines are a way to a womans heart? You think any of these tricks actually work? Deep sigh. I am once again considering of removing the ''private instagram''. I know it's stupid. I know I should be able to post what I want and just block / ignore the assholes but when it's 10 assholes a day and once nice person every few months it just gets exhausting you know. I get so pissed off when every now and then there's someone on my ''business profile'' and all they do is like ALL of the stories in the ''my face'' category but don't even look at anything else. It makes me roll my eyes all the way into my skull. Serious question, what happens if I proclaim I'm a lesbian on all profiles? Will these creeps fuck off then? No disrespect to my LGBTQ comunity, you guys know I love you, I'm just wondering, will this send a message to sleazy men that I am NOT interested? Sigh…

In connection to that you get a book review today. Because there are three things I am positive about. First , Edward was a vampire. Lol, kidding. Not that book. Three things I am positive about, there are too little strong female main characters in books, there are too little women in STEM (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) in books and no matter how many friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, rivals to lovers books you give me, I will read all of them. What can I tell you I'm a sucker for happy endings. Here's the deal, my heart will always belong to fantasy worlds of Lord of the rings and anything like the Witcher ( whyyyy Henry why?! I mean I know why and my respect for you really grew even more but seriously just why?! You don't expect me to watch Hemsworth in leather and swoon do you? Gross. ) but sometimes I just need a cutsey romance to get through the day – week – month. 

Ok so I'll do a ''Love on the brain'' review first because everyone reads Ali's ''Love Hypothesis'' first (so did I) and then bitches about ''LOTB'' (I'm not going to). Here's the deal, yes there are simmilar stories but if you're not a complete idiot you'll figure that out by reading the summary on the back and go figure you can chose just not reading a book instead of bitching about it? I know right, wild idea. 

First of, Ali bestie I love you. Thank you for the love for women in STEM and for highlighting the issues they face. I can't believe that in the lords year of 2022 we still have to fight for equality. Sigh. God forbid huh a woman scientist. Or worse a woman scientist better than her male colleagues, the world might spontaneously combust just at the thought of that. 

Secondly I will never believe anything but, that men written by women just don't exist. Seriously. They don't. Men in books written by women are the sole reason we sit alone with our cats in matching onesies, watching tv shows about serial killers (or as I like to call them instruction manuals). You don't actually expect me to read about Levi Ward, Adam Carlsen and Aaron Blackford and be normal about it do you? 

Here's the deal, ''Love on the brain'' is more relatable to me. No, I'm not as smart as Bee (I wish I was) but the setting in NASA and her general appearance with piercings, tattoos and purple hair that's closer to me than anything. (Dying my hair back to purple next week. So excited!). 

So a short summary in case you're unfamiliar with the story;

''Bee Konigswasser lives by a simple code: What would Marie Curie do? If NASA offered her the lead on a neuroengineering project – a literal dream come true – Marie would accept without hesitation. Duh. But the mother of modern phsyics never had to co – lead with Levi Ward. 

Sure, Levi is attractive in a tall, dark, and piercing eyes kind of way. But Levi made his feelings toward Bee very clear in grad school – archenemies work best employed in their own galaxies far, far away. 

But when her equipment starts to go missing and the staff ignore her, Bee could swear she sees Levi softening into an ally, backing her plays, seconding her ideas…devouring her with those eyes. The possibilities have all her neurons firing. 

But when it comes time to actually make a move and put her heart on the line, there's only one question that matters: What will Bee Konigswasser do?''

Before I start with the review WHICH WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS SO BEWARE, can I just say it's hard to focus with helicopers and tanks roaring around? Always fun living next door to the biggest military base. Just waiting for that moment in the day when fighters swoop in and do a couple laps in our skies. Shut up those I love so much. The sound alone gets me all excited, nevermind the barrel rolls they're doing above my house. Lol. And I especially enjoy my dumb neighbors (haven't complained about them in a while huh?) bitching about the noise, the ''danger'' and so on and so on. Scared of a teeny tiny practice fighter. Wonder what they'd do if F-18s of fifth gen flew over our heads. Which reminds me of my time in Tuscany right next to their air force base I think it's ''Rosignano'' beause Aviano is way higher up, I flipped with happiness because they actually had stealth fighter jets that took off without a sound from an underground hangar. Insane! Pretty sure they were Boeings F15 silent eagles. Shut up I love fighter jets. 

I'm so off topic right now, lets get back to the book. So spoilers ahead be warned and don't come bitching at me that I ruined the book for you later. Also a question, I got a suggestion to add links below where to buy? Is that something you'd be interested in? 

I keep letting other people opinions influence me so I went into this book a tiny bit sceptic. I don't know why because if there's one thing I learned it's that I HATE everything popular (Collen Hoover) and LOVE everything other people hate. Funny isn't it? If people in general don't like it then I'm bound to love it. So it was the same with this one. I read so many negative reviews only to love the book myself in the end. Read it in one afternoon. Already excited about Ali's third book coming out next year but more on that another time.  Love on the brain in my opinion is the perfect amount of drama, romance and comedy.

Imagine after some devastating career blows you get an offer from NASA. Yes THE NASA. Here I am my brain melting though I'll never get the chance. Sadly. Maybe if they ever need an assistant to make scientists coffee or something like that. Hah. So imagine Bee gets an offer from NASA she's over the moon about it OF COURSE and then the other shoe drops. It's always that way. Always. Nothing good ever happens without something else going wrong. It's like tipping the scales, you can never have light without dark type thing. So accepting the NASA gig means Bee is working with Levi, her arch enemy. He constant rival. Her nemesis. Now she knows he hates her (not at all) and she doesn't want to see him again let alone work with him. But to get away from her job and terrible boss she needs this project to work out. So whatcha gonna do? Bite the bullet aye?

Listen I love Bee she's adorable, she's badass, she's smart, and sometimes just such a bimbo like how did you not realise that boy is head over heels for you girl? I love her style, I love her purple hair (vegan yay!) I love her humor and I hate how she's underestimated and pushed to the side too much and assaulted, but that's how it is for women in STEM no? I love her fangirling over Marie Curie and how she made a twitter account to connect a whole community, that was such a fun addition to the story and go figure now we all know a bit more about Marie which I can only call a bonus. 

Now the sciency part of the book? Sounds great but I have no idea what they're really doing. Stimulating parts of astronaut brain to help control emotional response? Something like that? I think. It was interesting to read even if a bit confusing at times. And I seriously hope NASA would not care about her purple hair. I like to believe what's inside that head that matters not on it.

AND now we get to the absolute cinnamon roll, sunshine, adorable baby that is Levi Ward. We start off with this cold, shut off Levi, he's silent, he's moody and broody, he's avoiding Bee, he seems rude to her, but that's just because he's an idiot and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and actually talk. If they just talked to eachother and cleared misunderstandings would be so great. Why are people like this really? I know laying your cards on the table is scary but if we did it more often…life could be hella easier. Says the girl that has never been honest about her feelings in her life. The whole dynamic between him and Bee besides avoiding of course lol is so cute. He respects her, listens to her, and just is there for her you know. Call me late at night from a cemetery and I'm there in ten minutes type thing. And I'll make you dinner and give you itch relief cream…sigh. AND to make matters worse you guys, he's a cat dad. I can't. Seriously men written by women do NOT exist. 

There's this long post…LONG post. A confession, Levi tells Bee how he feels about her, not knowing he's telling it to her. Confusing I know. Read the damn book. But seriously that confession has got to be one of the cutest things I've read. Here's to sitting on the couch with your cat and wine daydreaming about what's it like to have that perfect match. It's kinda funny really how Levi has been in love and pining over Bee for years and she misread it as hate. I mean they do say that there's a fine line between love and hate but still. Funny. I actually loved all the frustrating moments where he almost told her why he doesn't hate her but was always somehow interrupted. Frustratingly funny. 

Listen to me. Bee has an assistent called Rocio. And I am in love. For real. Goth girl. Drama queen. Boots. Heavy makeup. Jet black hair. Rebel. That whole ''we're all going to die'' dark depressing vibe? Cmon you guys she's basically me. Of course I love her. Bee also has a sister who is everything I wish I was. Free spirited, today in Paris, tomorrow Norway, next week god knows. Let's pretend I'm brave enough for such a lifestyle. And oh my god I just had a random enlightenment (is that how this word is spelled?). You know that ''You've got mail'' is one of my favourite movies? I don't actually have a copy because movies on DVDs are so hard to get here, so usually they run it on tv each year in like November or December and I'm glued to the screen. I know it by heart by now but I love it still. Anyways, no wonder I love this book, it has some major You've got mail vibes. 

Oh you guys there's quite some NSFW parts in here…*wiggles eyebrows* just saying. It gets pretty steamy. Now to wrap this up, let me just say I love how Bee has each country she lived in tattooed on her back, each one representing home, and I love how the line of tattoos ends with the outline of the house she lives in with Levi because in the end that is home. Fuck. So sweet. Don't you just love a happy ending? I do. Maybe because in real life they just don't exist no more. Let at least my books be happy. Or it's the way my ex told me that I'm obsessed with finding love because I can't love myself. Sounds rude, but he's actually right. So, for the actual ending (can y'all believe I'm writing again? Must be a miracle on it's own) enjoy this tiny doodle of Bee and Levi plus bonus Schrodinger who makes me wonder will I ever learn to draw cats? Sigh. I love how this one came out though, for a doodle it's better than my usual work *cough* inktober *cough*. And yes I do have NASA sheets. Shut up. 

Talk to me, Goose.

I've sat here staring at a one minute video of a sunsety beach and waves crashing on it, for literally 30 minutes on a loop. Probably to hurt myself further because ya know MCR videos aint enough, god knows what I'll be doing on July 4th (those of you that know, know) probably getting so drunk I forget I exist…anyways the ocean…y'all know me I aint an optimist, never was and never will be. To me optimism is like believing in destiny, needing something to think there's some order to this horseshit. There isn't. Anyways. I allowed myself a little sliver of hope and booked a hotel early this year. Because ya know, the plandemic will be over by then, there aint no way we're gonna go for another round of it. And then what? Lets all order more vaccines to be ready for the fall (y'all psychic now or smth?), lets all boycott Russia till we fucking starve to death or freeze to death, oh how about lets have a new sickness because someone fucked a monkey…god when does it end? 

But like in all this shit show I kept the little hope of ''fuck y'all I'm going to the beach''. Sure. Okay. Yes. And someone up there was like ''fuck no bitch, you aint going nowhere''. I guess in my tiny bit of optimism I didn't realise that after two years of not being fucking welcome anywhere and therefore staying at home, the third year I just won't have money because literally just existing (which I never asked for tbh) will be too fucking expensive. Seriously guys, honest to god, what do we even live for at this point? For that Bruce S. tour that he's planning next year (tickets go on sale tomorrow you guys so stay alert!)….hah. Next year. Hahahah, Bruce, amore mio, I love you but planning that far ahead…sure. Okay. Great idea. I'll be here deciding what to do with the money when the tickets are refunded. Probably drink it. 

I guess great fucking job I learned how not to be sad about things that are far in the past, and in the more recent past, or you know in the present…now I'll be fucking sad over crap that hasn't happened yet. The hell is the matter with me? Another thing we shouldn't get into else I'll sit here for ten more fucking hours contemplating everything that went wrong in my life and left me the mess that I am today. Not worth it. Or maybe it's just you know…experience. Things only end badly, always. Life, friendships, plans, everything ends badly, so knowing the outcome…no wonder one is sad about everything. Or angry. Or fucking livid. Or just you know disappointed as fuck. Of perhaps scared of what else shit show the future can bring. Cuz honestly, it can't get better, at this point it can only get worse. And it probably will.

But enough of this depression, lets focus on more pleasant topics, she said while getting a glass of red wine. Mark that kids, the beer drinking redneck went on vacation, I only drink wine these days. And only local because my country makes the best wine and I am willing to fight everyone who doesn't agree. The wine is more to detox from this ''art project'' I just watched. Oh. My. God. I feel insulted to be honest. If that is art then I will never be an artist. Which is something I wonder about all the time because lately what people consider art is just…I don't get it. I mean I get it but I don't you know. 

I mean it's hard not to focus on the depressive parts of life when the world is fucking insane. All my Star Wars loving buddies…y'all seen the scandal of racism surrounding Obi Wan Kenobi show aye? I haven't watched the series yet, wasn't paying it much attention online because you know spoilers. I hate that BUT constantly trending on Tumblr made me curious, well imagine my fucking surprise when I see a video to ''fans'' from Ewan talking about racism and I'm like…well Disney is shady AF they could totally do something stupid…oh no no kids, Disney didn't do shit it's the ''fans'' attacking Moses Ingram, and for what? Her skin color? THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! I dare you to come at her again, cuz us, the real fans? We resist. We will end you. What has happened in the past two years to bring out all of human malice? When did we turn so wrong to turn so fucking evil and selfish and judgemental and plain horrible? This is not a world I feel comfortable in you know. Like at all. And I'm trying to change it, in part, changing that what surrounds me, that what I can. But sometimes I feel like I am alone in my actions and they're not enough. 

In other more positive news (well probably not if you ask the Guardian reporters – all braindead sheep my god. No that's an insult to sheep, amebas on fleas on rats. That fits. How do you become a reporter these days? Apply with an IQ test and if the result is room temp you're hired? Most likely). Johnny Depp won the court case. To say that I am overjoyed will be an understatement of the year. I will not stand for a single word of support for Amber. Not one. If you're on her side, get the hell away from me, block me, delete me, forget I exist, we do not support abusive, lying, manipulating, flaming pile of garbage that is AH in this house. In the mass of messages that I got about ''watching your fave with rose tinted glasses'' let me point out that I heve never in my life claimed that he's an angel. We all have our flaws. BUT I do have friends that had their lives ruined by false accusations that they couldn't battle on court over, couldn't prove their innocence and couldn't recover their careers. Me too turned into something completely toxic, and understanding that a man can also be a victim of abuse felt like science fiction. Listen to me and listen to me good, a man can totally be a victim, of abuse, physical, mental, manipulative, etc. And this right here, the fact that Johnny won a case that in theory was not about abuse at all but defamation which she is guilty of on all accounts is a huge step in the right direction. Not just for him mind you but for all men, why? Amber was like ''you do that Johnny, you go up there and tell them that I, Johnny Depp, a man, am a victim of domestic abuse''. Well guess what bitch? He did. And the world listened. And you are done. And the evil has been defeated. I hope the only role she ever gets again is in Discovery ID's crime series ''evil lives here''. 

All y'all crying to me about oh the veridict is a setback for all women. Are you stupid? Seriously, are you? Just so I know because if you are we have nothing to talk about anymore, but if not and you're willing to understand let me explain something super simple to you. There's a difference between freedom of speech, being courageous to tell what happened to you, fighting for your justice and this? This aint that. This is lies upon lies to ruin a man's life and career. The veridict isn't setting women back, her stupid lies did. When in the future women speak out it's not going to be Johnny's veridict that's the issue, it's going to be Ambers lies that will make all their stories even harder to believe. What the veridict did is give justice to ALL victims, proved that both genders can suffer abuse and showed you that justice will prevail if you speak the truth. And I can not believe how fucking stupid her fans and the media are, let me break it down for you idiots to understand. Amber did NOT lose because she spoke up against an ''abuser''. She lost because the lawsuit was about defamation, which means that SHE LIED. She made it ALL up. That's what it means. That's what the jury decided on. And if you can't accept that she is a lying abuser than you're either too stupid or part of the problem as well. Think about that for a minute while I go to more pleasant topics.

God this post hasn't really started yet and I'm running out of wine already. My god why is life so fucking stresful. Maybe I should flip to Rammstein videos instead. Oh my god you guys have you seen / heard Angst and Dicke titten? I laughed so hard. I love this band. Just missed their show which makes me super depressed but someday….someday when I'm not spending like 2k on tickets for other bands. Of course lets all after a 2 year break go on tour and bankrupt our fans. Smh.

I'm so fucking sick of the world lately that I keep getting lost in fantasy worlds and I finally got to this baby…

THIS POST WILL CONTAIN MASSIVE ''CROOKED KINGDOM'' SPOILERS SO PLEASE ONLY CARRY ON IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH READING THEM.

First of all, first of fucking all. How dare you Leigh?! Matthias my beloved. My heart hurts for him and for Nina and for what could of been. Second of all. THE BATHROOM SCENE! I am freaking out. That was just so cute and so fucking intimate and gentle and just asdfghjkl! You feel me? I thought I'll combust when reading that. Men written by women just don't exist if I said that once I said it a million times and it's the god honest truth. 

Now to carry on, how beautiful is this hard back edition? I don't have that many most are soft covers but like look at it! The gold foiling really gets me frothing at the mouth like a god damn Niffler. And the illustrations of the main characters in the back are just gorgeous. 

Alright a quick synopsis of the book;

''Welcome to the world of the Grisha.

Kaz Brekker and his crew of deadly outcasts have just pulled off a heist so daring even they didn't think they'd survive. But insteas of divvying up a fat reward, they're right back to fighting for their lives.

Double – crossed and badly weakened, the crew is low on reasources, allies, and hope. As powerful forces from around the world descend on Ketterdam to root out the secrets of the dangerous drug known as jurda parem, old rivals and new enemies emerge to challenge Kaz's cunning and test the team's fragile loyalties.

A war will be waged on the city's dar kand twisting streets – a battle for revenge and redemption that will decide the fate of the Grisha world.''

I think this was a fantastic sequel! Really. I'm usually a bit vary when it comes to part two. You know that whole fear authors have of their second book never living up to their first? Yeah that. And it also shows in so many books, so many stories. They never live up to the expectations. But there's no fear of that in this book. It's absolutely amazing. The way the story flows, the language, the plot twists. Everything (except Matthias dying god damn it) is perfect. I don't always enjoy books as much as I enjoyed this one and this is not the wine talking. Lol. 

The book in theory revolves around Kaz getting back one of his crew members. Which one? Inej. Of course. What did you think will happen if Inej is gone? Kaz will probably burn the entire world down to get her back. Of course. Don't we all need some of that in our lives? Someone to rely on. Someone to be there when things are rough and knowing they'll always be there to back you up or drag you from hell. Sigh. Could be that I'm hoplessly romantic and that's not how it is but…Inej aside the hunt is also not just to get her back bu to get back what was promised to them in the Six of Crows. The begining. The story is a great twist of money, revenge, power, greed, but also trust and friendship and most important love. And even more important, Kaz trying to get over his trauma, to move on, to be what Inej needs. ''I will have you without armour Kaz Brekker or I won't have you at all.'' Oh be still my beating heart. 

People complain about POW's changing each chapter but I actually really like that because it gives you an insight into characters and what they think, feel, want. It would be hard to completely understand their backgrounds if the story was written only from one point of view. Though lets not pretend that any chapters were my favourite besides those of Kaz and Matthias. Don't I just love them troubled, brooding, violent boys. This has everything, love, adventure, action, adventure, plot twists, you can't put it down till you finish it I promise. 

What I especially loved was the characters, the progression and how they evolved in this book. We see this whole new depth to them, they all faltered, they were cheated by their enemies, they seeked revenge but in that revenge they also found hope and trust and made that bond between them stronger, because they knew they have each other and mostly Kaz to get them out of this mess. Don't we all need a Kaz? No seriously I know I already said that above but like don't we? Someone to trust, someone with just enough malice and just enough strength to be there when all else fails? Just someone to lean on and know will help you when all else fails. I suppose that could be called family, but not that I would know, I tell my family good morning in the wrong ''tone'' and they decide to not talk to me for a whole week, and act like I'm not here at all. It's taken me to be almost thirty to understand that this is abuse. When you're supposed to talk things out but all you get is silence. It's kinda funny, so many arguments in my house revolve around ''what the fuck is wrong with you'' well apparently a lot but who's to blame for it huh? I bet it's not that hard to figure it out, just easier to blame others…

I felt heartbroken for Inej how her capturing affected how she viewed what her and Kaz had. I hated all the doubt. Understood it but hated it. Leigh congrats though, the way you made Kaz always win her back by actually proving himself to her not just with empty promises. That's just beautiful writing right there.  Maybe I just understand Kaz. I understand why he's a ''monster''. He is what he is, created by the city that eats you up and swallows you. I get that. I get being broken because of the people and your surroundings. The only difference is that Kaz is a genius and I'm just me. And if anything I find inspiration. Not in his malice (even if it was well placed) but in his will, his wits, inteligence, never letting his enemies get the upper hand, never letting anything to chance.  And I love how the ''romance'' between him and Inej is pictured. THE BATHROOM SCENE! It's realistic, it's not twisted to fit some modern idea of romance but it's in tune with Kaz's trauma. And it's realistic because they are both ruthless and strong and dangerous to be honest and yet they both nearly combust when showing each other a tiny bit of weakness and vulnerabilty. And then there's that moment. Inej convinced that Kaz would never want her back if she was ''broken''. If her legs were damaged he'd not want her, and what does he do to reasure her? He - and I believe this is the most romantic he knows how to be – tells her;

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.''

I found that absolutely beautiful. And what is also beautiful is the fact that LGBTQ+ comunity represented in this book is something that is completely normal and not frowned upon. As it should be, but more often than not it isn't. Also, the whole world that Leigh created, the cities, the cultures, the languages, amazing. So creative and so different than just regular fantasy worlds. Russian inspired just gives it this extra edge, this extra push to make it so compelling, and different. I love the writing style so much tbh, it's amazing, flowy, easy to read, impossible to put down and it feels like she invites us into this world for a little vacation. (Some vacation in Ketterdam huh? Lol).

Oh and another major spoiler, we get some of the Shadow and bone characters for a little while in this book. Which I find super cool. I was just slightly threw off with the whole ''was'' for Alina. I mean I couldn't recall when she died lol. Then I realised she lost her power and lived a normal life with her husband. Happily ever after kinda thing. Cute. 

All in all mind blowing book, character and plot developments out of this world. A worthy sequel and I'd totally recommend it to anyone that likes some action and adventure and some really greatly written plot twists. 

And another thing to recommend to you guys. The new Top Gun movie ''Maverick''. Oh my god though it took 36 years, should be 34 but..thank you Corona…but it was so worth the wait. I love the original as is, those of you close to me know that I basically know it by heart, I go ape shit crazy for ''great balls of fire'' lol and this? This was amazing. I loved every single moment, it was funny, it was emotional, it was creative, it was as it should be. Maverick that we all love who hasn't changed a bit. A beautiful moment with Val Kilmer. A new ''Iceman'' just as arrogant but sweet as Ice was…And little baby Goose – with a call name Rooster. I love him. Guys! First of, Tom Cruise? The mad man himself? Much sexier than all his younger co stars just saying. He flies the plane himself you know that? So cool. And it's a Mustang. Beautiful plane. Hit me with all the nostalgia when there's an appearance of an F-14 Tomcat. I died. That thing though ''ancient'' (thank you Rooster) is absolutely gorgeous. Speaking of the Mustang, there's a model you can put together I believe. I wanna try that sometime. Put together my own model, a tank or a fighter jet. Should be a fun project huh? Kinda artsy too.  

Cute story but my grandfather was just like Maverick. I read his flight log book, and how his flights were graded. Badly. Lol. Great pilot but huge problem with authority. Hm I wonder where I got that from aye? Lol. Reckless, doesn't like to listen to orders, doesn't fly by the rules, doesn't do this, doesn't do that. Yep sounds about right, I have heard that one too many times, especially the authority part. Funny. Made me wish he was there with me, watching, he'd LOVE these new fighter jets. It was his dream to fly a 14 and these new planes? 5th gen? Holy shit. All in all go see it it's really amazing, and then get your bodies ready for Elvis. Just so you know I shrieked when the trailer played in the theatre and possibly bit all the way to bone on my finger in order to prevent more screaming and weird looks from other mortals. Psh. 

Alright enough of my bullshit for at least a month, so enjoy this doodle of Mav that I did while having too much time before the movie started. I need to take my sketch book with me more often. I like doing these little doodles…

Cheers guys.

“All is fair in love and war, bollito.”

I'm a little late to the party…explaining what that crazy thing I was up to was. Well change of plan, I know y'all will be disappointed but I decided some things best remain hidden and not talked about when there's no need. All I can say on the subject is that sometimes I can be so fucking stupid and I have more luck than brain. That's all. And sometimes I'd damn well need someone to tell me I'm being stupid and to stop. Would I listen? Probably not…but still…I might at least reconsider my life choices. 

Second thing! The art thing I didn't wanna talk about earlier. I can now! Seriously calm your tits it's not THAT exciting but I'm still pretty damn proud. Alright so, one of my literally favourite pieces which came from last years Inktober, was featured in a magazine. It's a magazine that is created by the homless, they contribute pictures, poems, articles and sell it to make a living. Sometimes outsiders like me get to contribute and I got to do it, next to one of my favourite authors and a friend. So yeah in the bigger picture not such a big deal but I am overly excited and it's a big deal for me. Plus how freakin badass does it look printed? Uh I can just see what wonderful postcards it would make…if only someone (just one) would understand my print vision. 

With that out of the way I'm going to tell you about this book I read and fell in love with. It's not over the top. It's not the amazing Martin type fantasy world. It's not Lord of the rings or Hemingway. It's shallow and silly b ut my god so cute and sappy. And my hopless romantic Italian blood sometimes needs just that to get through not just the day but life. 

This book has the biggest ''oh my god I wish that was me'' energy. Really. Seriously. Totally. Because (and lets be honest ladies) who doesn't wish they had a Clark Kent look alike co worker that was secretly in love with them. And willing to go to your sisters wedding all the way in Spain as a fake boyfriend because your ex is engaged and you don't want your family's pity? Someone who buys you five tacos when you only ask for four and loves Disney movies? Someone who is stupidly romantic and says sappy shit like ''you feel complete in my arms, you feel like home''. Nobody touch me, nobody breath my way, I'm very emotional right now. Sigh. 

Before we move on, I included my favourite memories from Spain here. Since the book is in fact happening in Spain. Well part of it anyways. I was there in 2013? I think…For me Barcelona was love on first sight. Of course my heart will always belong to Italy (obviously) but Spain is something else. Sangria alone is worth it. Lol. Why do I hear Blake Shelton playin in my head? No but really, the ocean, the vibe, the city life, the passion and emotion, everything. Spain is something else. If you get the chance…go. It's amazing. So on the pic below, besides the book that is…Absinthe which is the reason for a lot of bad choices in Spain lol, a paperweight I got in aquarium Barcelona which is…oh my god…and stuff from beaches. I did mention I love the ocean right? I miss it so much these days…sigh. Enjoy some beachy pics as well while I salivate and curse the cruel fate that keeps me away from lying on a beach. Or you know, naked, somewere in Europe, on a Yacht with a Mai-tai. But here I am instead *facepalm*. 

Second thing before we get to the actual review. I will tear all y'all heartless motherfuckers hearts out with the whole ''stupid, boring, overhyped'' crap. Who invented this whole ''overhyped'' bullshit? Seriously? Can't people be hyped up about something they like anymore? And also who gave you the right to tell others when they can and can't be hyped up? And also unrelated but my god you must be a bitter lonely jackass if a little romance makes you this ill. 

Now…SPOILERS ABOVE, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ AND PLAN ON MOVE ALONG.

Seriously I'm crying. Like. This book. I don't always want to over think, sometimes I want to shut up my mind and get lost in something cute, something different, something that gives me some peace of mind and some hope that there still are nice things left on this planet. That hope is dying bit by bit though that much is clear but stories like this one…they make it a little more alive. You know how people have ''comfort food''? I don't. But I have comfort read and this is it. This book cured my mental illness and added about 20 years to my lifespan. 

Elena, bestie, thank you so much for this cutsey masterpiece, I loved it from the first page to the last, also thank you to the one who gifted this book to me, guessing correctly that I will absolutely adore it. I go all soft as is for a enemies to lovers type romance. It's everything I crave.

Now what's the story actually about. A girl Catalina. How beautiful is that name? Who I can relate to a lot. Clumsy. Yup. Has no filter and blurts out stupid things at the wrong times? Yup. Loves Game of thrones and Twilight? Fuck yes. And a boy. Aaron. Sigh. Oh Aaron. All broody, dark, Edward Cullenish tpye of man. Which is enough to make me swoon tbh. So Catalina and Aaron are co workers in NYC and they obviously do not like each other. Well so it seems, at first glance. The oldest trick in the book aint it? Those who hate each other actually love each other? Or something like that anyway. 

So Catalina does something stupid (yeah I hear ya Lina I hear ya) and tells her family that she will bring a date to her sisters wedding. A boyfriend. In order to get them off her back about being single. Problem here is that Lina does not have a boyfriend. And a neven bigger problem is that the one who offers to help her with pretending to be one is the one she can't stand. 

Seriously the whole enemies to lovers may seem over used and flat but it really isn't. It's far more complex, and interesting and it's a ''I can't put the book down and it's suddenly four in the morning'' type thing. But I am so getting ahead of myself lets go back to the begining. Lina is in NYC building a career, she's super proud of (and rightfully so), and she's there because she fled Spain after a personal disaster. What was the disaster? I aint giving everything away. Read the damn book. Lol. 

And Aaron…sometimes you'd wanna strangle him, other times you'd dream about wishing there was an Aaron in your life. I don't know why but reading about him, the looks mainly, all I saw in my head was Henry Cavill. I don't know if something is wrong with my head and all I see everywhere is Henry, or those gorgeous blue eyes, dark locks, body build to die for…is in fact very Henry like. Seriously have you seen that man's jaw? It could cut apples no joke. So Aaron, each time when he's anywhere near Catalina he's sarcastic or arrogant or downright rude, then he surprises you with little details he knows, and you see he's actually paying attention. Either to her, or just what she's saying, even if to someone else. And if that doesn't make your heart beat faster…a man that actually listens? Sigh. 

Aaron is an enigma, tense, on edge, nervous, cranky, he is the one who offers Lina to go with her to the wedding and quite honestly you have to wonder why the hell would he do that. His words and behaviour are literally all over the place (worse than PMS) but it all comes together in the end in a delicious kinda way that makes your insides warm and gooey. 

The whole writing style btw, it's light, it's witty and in the end? A little bit steamy not going to lie! Come on, lets not fool ourselves that we don't enjoy those down and dirty (onthekitchencounter) scenes. 

I'm going to cry again if I go into the whole story of a crazy Spanish family and a man willing to put up with it with a smile because she is worth it. Ahhh the cutness! The story will keep the readers on the edge of their seats with Lina's adorable craziness and the mess she has gotten herself into and it will make you not want to put the book down, needing to know just what the hell is Aarons deal. You can tell how un used to happy endings I am, I literally expected a plot twist in which we learn he's an asshole. Spoiler alert? He isn't. The entire lets pretend we're dating? He did it because he wasn't pretending! Because from the get go. Day one. He was in love with Lina and clearly a bit stupid in letting her know that. 

I am so in love with the way the story progresses all the cute little moments when they, due to their lie, are forced to be friends in the first place. Slowly exploring and getting to know each other. All the cute little moments in which you can just tell how much Aaron really cares just never lets it slip pass his rock hard exterior and Lina slowly shifting her mind and realising how wrong she was from the begining. 

And then you guys. The moment. The ultimate romantic moment I keep babbling about. Running on airports begging your other half not to leave? The one that would have me reduced to a puddle on the spot…yes that one. It happens here. Only a bit different. There has to be a little bit of drama aye? What's life without it. And in a plot twist they end…not broken up just…divided. He tells her that instead of running away she should of run to him. Sigh. Please rip out my heart it will hurt less and also…weren't we all here before? So in order to fix things…Lina does what everyone does, runs to him instead of away. It takes a shit ton of bravery and trust to give yourself to someone so completely. I'm not talking about sex mind you. I'm talking about real intimacy, your heart, body and soul type thing. And the moment she finds him again…sigh. Please turn on the waterworks because…as I said my old sappy Italian soul…and who wouldn't want such romance in their lives? All consuming. Happy. One that completes you. One that makes life worth living and shows you that the world isn't black and white but shines with all colors of the rainbow. 

Let me just point out something real quick. Men written by women do NOT exist. Obviously. And secondly they are the reason girls are single. Men like Aaron Blackford (even if fictional) just put the bar ridiculously high. A man like him should be a blueprint. Of how they should be so the world would be a better, nicer, kinder place and respectfully, he had my legs divorcing each time he did or said basically anything. Hashtag no shame. 

''But you are. You are worth all that trouble. You are worth walking through a fuckin fire. Don't you see that?''

Sigh. You know that episode of Friends with Ross crying into a martini glass ''I'm fine, I'm fine''. Yeah that's me. Right now. Pretending I'm fine while cursing the universe and it's cruel fate of never having an Aaron in my life. To end this ridiculous rant (and wish all y'all that celebrate cosmic zombies resurrection a happy Easter) I'll share the one line, favourite one, that really had my heart exploding. Perfection in written words. Seriously, thank you Elena for this, for breaking my heart and putting it back together, I loved every moment of reading this book. (Obviously since I read it in one afternoon, not wanting to put it down, those were some awkward bathroom visits just sayin. Lol. ) 

No mourners, no funerals.

''We'll take this city, might burn it down, we'll break this city, and wear it like a crown''.

About time I sit down and write some of my own content huh? If only I can force my brain to co - operate. Oh my god you guys I am so tired. This week felt like an entire year. A year of bullshit and trauma and bad shit piled upon bad shit. I guess many of us feel that way but it's really been a bit much. And people wonder why I drink. And then suddenly I'm sitting in my grandmothers living room, drinking orange juice out of my mason jar, pretending to be ''healthy'' and she takes a sip going ''your juice went bad'', I'll count myself lucky that she didn't figure out that the juice that went bad was mostly vodka. Or wait, maybe she did know and decided to be quiet about it. Did y'all know Romania has vodka in like mini milk cartons? Imagine how convenient, I'd love that, going on my way sipping on vodka looking like I'm drinking milk. Sip sip bitch. 

Now that aside, since there are all but zero pleasures in my life besides booze, books and drawing, you can expect the posts to spin around those topics. I won't ramble on about music because well what's the fucking point? I want to slit my wrists knowing concerts might happen just without me there. I haven't seen a gig since my birthday in 2019, and I swear I am in physical pain. In other news I'm actually happy I decided to participate in Inktober 52 this year because despite having a hard time getting the proper materials (do people even understand what Micron not Omicron but Micron graphic liners are?) and ripping my hair out over lacking creativity and drawings that are somehow just never good enough for me, that aside it's still something I look forward to each week (only I'd be so sadistic to look forward to stressing myself out each week…well when stress is all you know…). A new drawing prompt is at least something that keeps my brain stimulated and working. This weeks prompt though (keep an eye out for the post on IG tomorrow) is a recycled Inktober idea, but that's not due to lack of ideas but firstly because some people when you say stripes all they see is a zebra and all I see is Gomez Addams. Y'all know I can't resist drawing my favourite couple. So I took my ''suit'' prompt from October and elevated it to a higher level. Why do I sound like judges in Masterchef right now? You need to take this plate and elevate it to a higher level. Lol. If they said that to me, the elevation I'd do is throwing the plate in their heads. But I'm off topic and this is a rant for another day. 

Alright so no, unfortunally for you I'm not sharing cocktail recipes with you today, though I should, feels like I'd do something good for the community, nor am I sharing a detailed description of a highly erotic dream I had in which a specific very attractive man explored every inch of my body (and I his) and let me tell you something just thinking about it makes all the cells in my body combust in fire, the hands, the hair pulling, the biting and choking. I'm going to start panting just thinking about it. Lol. So instead I'll be boring and I'll give you a book review and oh my god you guys what a book it is! I loved it from the first page to the last. 

Before I say anything at all about the content, look at that beaufitul collectors edition book. All satin black and red foiling! I am obsessed with all the pretty shiny foiling! The ''Niffler'' in me is going crazy. Lol you don't even see the way it sparkles on the picture but trust me, it's perfect. And how about that character art? Sharing my favourite couple obviously but there's other characters that are just as pretty. And the red pages! I am in love. 

You'll remember the author Leigh Bardugo from my other reviews. The Grisha verse triology, and my obsession with the Darkling. I'm still right there, my poor mistreated baby…sigh. This is a duology though and I've yet to read the second part, which I'm struggling with due to a massive spoiler I saw (seriously people flag and tag your ''porn'' we don't wanna see that shit) and it's kinda…you know not something I wanna see. Puts you off from reading. I'll get there eventually though.

Before you continiue this post will obviously contain massive spoilers for ''Six of crows'', so if you haven't read it, I'd say, get off your butt and go get a jug of vodka and juice (or just vodka, hey I aint judging) instead, and if you did read it and still wanna read my ramblings and ravings, welcome, I'm so happy to have you here. 

Straight off the bat, this book is so hyped up. Everyone is talking about it, everyone is reading it, everyone is raving about it. That's usually another turn off for me because it was proven again and again that something that the masses love, I tend to hate. I can't help it, that's just how it is, my brain is hardwired the wrong way, I explained that a couple of times before. I'm usually a bit scared to go read super hyped up books because of that reason alone. I tend to be disappointed in the end, I'm looking at you 365 days. Utter garbage believe me. 

Excuse me I was interrupted by my mother yelling downstairs ''your mafioso is on tv'', could be many of them tbh but it was Thomas Shelby which obviously means all my undivided attention in a heart beat. My god that man. And oh dear god those crystal clear baby blues, like a hurricane on a Scandinavian coast. A blue so deep you don't even see the bottom. Sigh. I'm lost in a fantasy, ignore it, I'll pull myself together and pretend I'm any good at book reviews. Hey we're not all writers, some of us are just bullshitting through life, pretending we know what we're doing. Pretending our lives aren't going to shit or that we have any control at all. Pretending everything is fine when we open the car door on a parking lot and stumble outside in a landslide of cans and bottles. But seriously don't drink and drive kids, you may spill your drink (Joke. Seriously it's a joke, if y'all still know what humor is).

So super hyped up book, I had a hard time finding someone who wouldn't like it. Which tbh, fair enough, it's a fantastic book. It's beautifully written, full off action, a little ''constipated'' romance with fools who don't understand they're in love (aren't we all right there though?) and criminals that in the end their biggest crime will be stealing your heart.  Oh wait! Before we go on, this has very little actual ties to the Grishaverse triology but I'd still suggest you read those first because then this will make more sense. I kinda would call it the unofficial part four since it's happening after the events in the third book of the triology, but also not really, it's part four in the way of a fully established fantasy world. Or well you can watch the tv show because they brilliantly combined the two. That was a stroke of genius tbh to combine the triology and duology in one action packed tv show. Great job to whoever came up with it. 

So this story alternates betweeen six characters obviously since it's titled ''six of crows'' six crows…and I am not usually  the biggest fan of the plot  being split between two points of view never mind six! But I found myself enjoying the way this plot works especially since with every separate character and their chapters we learn a bit more of their backstory which really explains who they are and how they became the way they were. Let's be honest they're essentially teenagers but act more mature than fifty plus year olds around me. Obviously something  (life) made them that way.

They're described as followed;

- A convict with a thirst for revenge 

- A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager

- A runaway with a privileged past

- A spy known as the Wraith

- A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums

- A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes

The plot focuses on an impossible heist for a huge reward. Meaning a large chunk of money, but what the points of view switching tells us is different motivation. Everyone has a different reason for needing money, for needing to complete the task at hand.  And in more than one case it's not about the money but rather in buying freedom. If that's not something I'd understand more then well right now then nothing is.

I take it Kaz is pretty much the main character here, the story revolves around him. Dirty hands. The bastard of the barrel and the brilliant criminal mind who undertakes insane missions and heists in order to build up an empire and a name and all fueled by revenge. Yes I understand that too. Revenge just might be my biggest motivation as well. In some aspects of life that is. The story shows us some of the impossible missions he already undertook and then introduces us to the heist that is so daring and so crazy, even he may not make it happen. Does he though? Well read the book...

Wait a second, I didn't even think of it this way before but in this book I have two favourites, one being Kaz, who is essentially a gang leader…of course he is. And the other is Matthias who is blond and blue eyed. Son of a bitch. I really never stray far from my likes…and I didn't even realise. Sigh. 

Ironically I can relate to the cold hearted and ruthless part of Kaz most. The part that doesn't care how much violence something needs to get it done, and the part of him that does anything in his power for those he cares about. Yeah. He's dealing with his trauma, there are reasons he is the way he is and that's another thing I can perfectly understand. Don't we all have some sorta fucked up baggage we can't really process?

I'm literally in between typing this solving quizes online on who is my Grishaverse soulmate, already assuming all I get is the Darkling but lets keep the options open…hm first result says Nikolai, second says Kaz and the third one said Nikolai again. Well makes sense, another pretty blond. Lol. And it shows my mind is all over the place if I can focus on one simple task at hand. Finishing this damn post that I've been working on and off pretty much the entire day.

I actually think this may be the first heist book I've ever read. Seriously. I can't remember any before this one, it was always hurt / comfort. Mutual pining. Heartache. Heartbreaks etc…and murder, and vampires. And well angel – human forbidden romances, what can I say I'm predictable. But books with happy endings mind you. Life is so tragic as is I don't want none of that shit in my books as well. So a heist in a fantasy world, with a crazy group of misfits, that may or may not pull it off? Sign me up for that. I'll admit though in the begining it takes a little while for the story to really take off, but I get it's the story / character building so it's okay, it might turn off some readers though. But you guys look at it this way, even in the bedroom you need some foreplay before you go to town…

And what I wasn't too happy about was the cliff ending closure. Like. I do NOT like cliff hangers. This time I'm looking at you The Witcher season 2. I mean fine at least I already have part two but what if you're waiting on it for like…years? I mean I suck at this, the story will keep eating at me and drive me crazy. No closure is something I'm really bad at. Call it personal trauma like Kaz' but really…not my fave thing in the world. Good thing though that this cliff hanger isn't enough to ruin the book for me. Lol. I still love it.  

Completely unrelated but why are so many reviews these days a bunch of people yapping on youtube? Do people honestly watch that? Ridiculous. Everyone wanna be a vlogger or ''influencer'' these days. What a dumb word btw. Actually what a dumb concept. Like anyone really cares what Karen had for breakfast this morning or how she ran out of her favourite shampoo. Sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact how can you take them seriously. Or how can you watch them. Or worse let yourself be influenced by them…so strange. 

Why.Am.I.Constantly.Carried.Away.In.This.Review? Maybe because like a cat avoiding hot porridge, I'm avoiding the topic of Matthias. My sweet baby angel, who was taught to hate all his life but learned to love. Please stab me in the heart because it will hurt less. This whole enemies to lovers thing? I'm a thirsty bitch for it. And after all this growth and development and love…? You get part two of the duology and well…those of you that know know, the rest of you…well I aint breaking your heart. Read the book. With caution though. It hurts.

I'm going to stop rambling and I'll share some of my favourite quotes instead. They're fun and my jumbled mind might manage that better then bullshitting my way trough the story and butchering this review, to simplify all the raving…I love the book, you should read it. 

''Many boys will bring you flowers. But someday you'll meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won't matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.''

''Kaz leaned back. ''What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?''

''Knife to the throat?'' asked Inej.

''Gun to the back?'' said Jesper.

''Poison in his cup?'' suggested Nina.

''You're all horrible'' said Matthias'' 

''I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.''

''When everyone knows you're a monster, you needn't waste time doing every monstrous thing.''

''Brick by brick, I will destroy you.''

One of the best quotes might be this one though;

'' ''They fear as I once feared you'' he said. ''As you once feared me. We are all someone's monster, Nina.'' ''

This is something Matthias says to Nina and when you think about it it's so true for non fantasy world. Matthias and Nina both grew up with their countries at war, both raised with prejudices and hatred bred towards each other and the significant part of it is the truth of it, no matter what you do, you will always be someone's monster. Someone will always believe you to be in the wrong. And the important part is that as this part of the book goes on Matthias tells Nina that she taught him to be something better, which shows us that he went from the hatred he was taught to believe in to seeing the truth. Opening his eyes and seeing the truth, let love win. It's beautiful once you think about it. 

And my absolutely favorite quote because I'm a sappy Italian romantic bitch; 

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together, knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.'' 

Now to end this post…and probably throwing myself into more sadness. Like I need more sadness in my life huh? Today would of been Michael Hutchences' birthday. And that always makes me sad. Do me a favor, play a little INXS for him today. And also the sudden death of the French actor Gaspard Ulliel, god…I can't. He was so talented, and such  a bright light. It's just sad you guys. And it stabs me in the heart each morning when I wake up and see a picture of him in a Chanel commercial on my wall. Sigh. Rest in peace love. 

I think that's it. I think I need to stop playing with madness and shut up, y'all enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay strong on another dreadful Monday. Cheers. Bonus tho if you made it this far, a doodle of Mr. Kaz Brekker. If you read the book or maybe a little bit from this post as well, you'll understand why he's literally me. Or I him. 

“There is no ideal world for you to wait around for. The world is always just what it is now, and it's up to you how you respond to it.”

How is today another Monday? Are we still doing Mondays? I mean is that still a thing? And also why? What a dumb idea tbh. Had a nice chat today with the mail man, he (again) complimented my makeup that I pretty much only put on for him these days. Have I seriously came to a point where getting mail is an ''event''? Looks like it. I feel like a zoo animal when the mail comes, like the zoo keeper just put a new toy in my enclosure. Fun times. I need to start putting high heels on when I pick up mail too, because you know, they make everything an event. Maybe a feathery boa. Or that perfect little black dress. Hm. Last week I shocked the poor delivery guy with a silky black see through robe with furry sleeve ends and collar. There he is bringing some Harley parts trying not to stare at my tits while I lean on the door, cat in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other. I think shocking the mailman might be my favourite (and only) fun pass time activity these days. What is that new song Robbie Williams sings?

''Oh these are strange days, in many strange ways, science fiction I believe, has become reality.''

Yeah something like that Robbie. Something like that. 

In other news, have you guys seen the new photoshoot Keanu Reeves did for Esquire magazine? Oh my god you guys, I'm not okay. That man is like a fine whiskey, the older the better. I died a little bit not going to lie. Holy hell. There's a pretty good long article that goes with the photos too (like he wanna join the MCU? Are you serious?! Do you really want me to die?). Not that I read the entire thing yet. The pictures are far too distracting. He's the only one I'd marry in a heartbeat no questions asked all he'd have to do is say the words. Ke if you're reading, I'm still waiting ;) 

Now before this spins out of control again, my insane ramblings…I'm here for the book review I promised and I'm so excited because this book is what one of my favourite movies is based upon and while I saw the movie at least 30 times by now I never read the book before. Gasp. I know, I know don't say it. But really, I didn't read it beacuse getting stuff in this country is impossible. I wonder everyday how is it possible that we have color tv. But since by some miracle I finally got my hands on my very own copy I jumped at it and finished it in a day. Obviously. 

( Warm Bodies / Isaac Marion / Zombie Romance / Supernatural themes / slight violence)

Okay y'all know  that the Italian in me is strong. The love for everything Italian and Italy itself is undying and I'm clearly a hopless romantic though it does not look like it in my ''tough'' outer appearance. Trust me though, I absolutely melt at cheesy, stupidly romantic things, except V-day, that one I still despise. So obviously I prefer romantic books, but like with a twist, either supernatural romance or impossible romance with a happy end. The usual wnb erotica and simmilar crap that women seem to fawn over (cough 50 shades cough) makes me physically ill. Not because of sex, everyone loves a good NSFW part of a book but the writing is just so bad it makes me want to roll my eyes all the way into my skull and not in a good way *wink wink*. Pick up a damn Hemingway novel like Farewell to arms and learn what a true love story really is. Spoiler alert 50 shades is not love but rather 50 shades of abuse. 

Back to Warm bodies. I fucking adore this story. Not because it's got everything I love, supernatural elements and romance but because it depicts such a great picture of humanity. Not the ugly side that we all see now in a wnb apocalipse where people fight in stores over toilet paper. Sigh. Speaking of, anyone got an idea yet about why the fuck people hoard toilet paper? If you do, please leave me a comment below, I'm dying to know. But no, the picture of humanity this story shows is that humans are in fact born out of love and can also be reborn out of it too. Kindness, courage, empathy and love are the only way to heal a sick society because it's the only thing that makes us human, the only thing that separates us from beasts. 

Straight from the start this book is not at all what I expected. It's nothing like the movie at all. In most cases books and movies are nothing alike sure, but these two are really different.  Things that happen in the book don't happen in the movie at all and vice versa. What matters though is that they both have a happy ending, if the book per say would be different and tragic, I'd set this whole world on fire. No joke. 

I love Isaacs (I keep want to write Oscar, shows you just where my mind is, with a sexy latino) smooth writing. From the point of view of ''R'' the zombie he starts the book with '' I am dead , but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it''.  Just a short straight to the point couple of lines that explain what it's like to be a zombie. To live in an eternal state of apathy, not really alive but not dead either, just existing. This also shows you why I keep saying we are currently in a zombie apocalypse. We're not really alive, we're just breathing, waiting, passive. Not really alive. 

R doesn't remember his name no more, rarely someone does, but he talks about his life in a cronological order, articulate and thoughtful. I mean I haven't met a zombie yet but this level of selfawareness would surprise me. So it's not really shocking that we learn along the way that R is different and that little bright light of hope. Hope for humanity. But that little light still needs a spark to shine bright. And of course since this is essentially a love story, where oh where can we find that spark? In a girl. Julie. Think of her as the first splash of color in a permanently gray world. I love how their names are R and Julie. You know Romeo and Juliet. Cue in Dire Straits playing in my head. I love that song. Also R's friend ''M''? A homage to Mercutio perhaps? There's a cheesy balcony scene as well to make things even more perfect. 

What I love so much is the progress of the story, each page you turn, the more human R becomes. He grows and glows with Julie's presence. Literally he grows with love and isn't that what's it supposed to be like? Love making us the best version of ourselves? Making us grow? The romantic in me wants to believe that's what it should be like. I still want to believe in love and magic despite the fact that the world keeps proving me I'm delusional. It's not a typical love story mind you, emotions are not as strong on every page as you'd imagine in a regular love story but it's more than obvious that love is the driving force and love is what makes it all worth while in the end. 

In theory this book is the most unique work of fiction I've read in a while. The whole post apocalypse survival isn't that odd of course but the first person narrative being a zombie is a first for me. Never mind a philosopher zombie, questioning all those why are we here, and life purpose kinda questions. And though he has all these questions, and though he can't use enough words to actually voice his thoughts, there is nobody around that would actually care. I felt that. More often than not I feel the same way, like people just don't care about what I have to say, or what I'm thinking, or what I'm feeling. Another thing I can relate to is the fact that R hoards little artifacts he picks up on his trips to the city. Mostly vinyl though. Now tell me that aint me lol. What I think though that while I hoard little things, things that remind me of good memories, some bad too (aren't I sadistic) I think R does it to keep him close to whatever little piece of humanity is left in him. 

The ''love'' story actually starts off pretty grusome, with R eating Perry's brains, Perry who just so happens to be Julie's boyfriend. I don't know if this is a general zombie thing but they say in this book that zombies eat brains because they see human memories, they're the only thing making them feel alive. It makes sense don't you think? Though I also honestly thing that with half of this worlds population zombies would starve but let's leave that aside for now. Imagine that learning about a girl from eating her boyfriends brain. I mean I heard of some pretty unusual dating techniques but this one might take the spot for the strangest lol. So from seeing Julie and from learning about her this way R decides she's not food but to be protected ''keep you safe''. Cute. 

While R feels guilty about killing Perry we learn from the book that everything is not what it looks like when it comes to Perry, who keeps on living through R and his memories. So from here on Julie and R walk on this path together, trying to discover what Julie stirred in R, why is he changing, and if these changes in him could be transferred to other zombies as well. I keep telling you guys, only love will heal the world. Nothing else. Love is the cure. But of course when were things ever as easy? Never. Of course the odds are stacked against them and of course everything that could go wrong essentially will also go wrong. Including with the meddling of Julie's crazy father. There's always gotta be a crazy someone ruining a love story huh? Humans really do destroy everything beautiful. 

I'm not going to go into the details of the entire ''crazy'' that happens to R and Julie along the way because then I might as well write down the entire book. But what I will tell you is things I learned from R. 

- Humans are absolutely scarier than zombies. Worst kind of animals that will destroy everything good left in the world. 

- It's most definately not our words but our actions that speak about who we are. Words are just words. Mostly overrated anyways.

- A name is just a bunch of letters, put together they form a word, pulled apart they're nothing. A name is a name, it's meaningless in the bigger picture because people usually don't remember you by your name but by what makes you you. Your actions, your beliefs, your identity. 

- Sometimes life goes up, sometimes life goes down, like an elevator. And sometimes the power goes out and you're stuck. 

- Sometimes having a brain makes a huge difference. Unless of course you ate your last piece then you're fucked. 

- Humans absolutely need that connection. Love is what jump starts R's heart and starts the healing process. We all need that someone that understands us and loves us like we deserve to be loved.

- Never underestimate the power of the perfect song that can say so much more than words ever could.

- And most important, never judge a book by it's cover. Sure, R is a zombie but that doesn't mean he'll rip your head off at the first chance he gets. People are rarely what you imagine and expect, why should zombies be any different? 

Maybe this book hits different in current times. Maybe we're all living in a zombie apocalypse only our zombies are alive, the dead part is only the humane part in us. Maybe we let it get this far by letting ourselves be controled and governed by things that never should play a part in our lives in the first place. Maybe that's why we're no longer human, just chasing things we'll never get, things that essentially don't even exist. 

Actually I picked up this book (well movie first but you get the point) looking for a little break of the typical vampire – human romance but what I found was a different kind of love. Love for a story that seems superficial but it's really deep with it's offering of a view on life. How if could be. How it is. And things that matter most, all those beautiful fragile things that we should fight to the death to preserve. All those little things that make us human, things that essentially make life worth living. They seem far and few but honestly, they keep us going. 

I'd absolutely recommend this book to everyone who's into a little romance and a little gore. And those who aren't, well get on with the program. Lol. 

P.S. Here's a little bonus, the tiny doodle from the picture above, it's actually my favourite scene from the movie, it happens a little bit differently in the book but still. And while we're on the topic of the movie, just how dare you…how dare you make the zombie that attractive? Wtf.