Runaway

Sometimes I don't know what to write about, or better yet as my family puts it what to complain about. That I'm going bankrupt because of cartridges? Do you know how expensive printing is these days? I have a photo printer, it's meant to print photography amongst other things and lately for school alone I used up three sets of god damn cartridges. I am honestly going to send them a bill one of these days. I'm not made of money. This is completly insane. I wouldn't even complain but the thing is they are literally having me copy text word per word out of my text book and print it out and that's that. Like you don't even have to be smart to pass school here, you just need to copy someone elses inteligence correct. Is this a joke? Honestly? I'm so done. SO done. And all those years of education and nobody teaches us to love ourselves and eachother and stop with the god damn hate and judgment and self loathing. Don't you think that's more important then I don't know fractions? Happier, healthier kids that grow up knowing how to love themselves and people around them? Kids that grow up into respectful adults, that are good, that don't know what backstabbing is, kids that help someone instead of pushing them down more. Guess my parents were right when they told me I'm basically a reincarnation of John Lennon. A dreamer. I dream of a world that can never happen. I am homesick for a place that doesn't exist, a place where I am happy, my heart is full, my body is loved and my soul understood. I am homesick for a feeling I never even had. A feeling of acceptance. I'm getting homesick for that thing that always made me feel like a trap. A white picket fence house, with a golden retriever and a prius parked outside. Truth do be told, my generation can't even afford a rent much less a house. I get so frustrated when older people shit on us how we're lazy, how we're stupid, how the system they grow up in was shit. Are you kidding me right now?! For real? You had free schools, free health care, you had rent or house payments maybe twenty bucks a month, you could go on vacation three times a year. Jobs were lined up after you finished school. You had every oppurtunity all you had to do was be willing to work. And what do we have? Nothing. Schools are too expensive, health care is too expensive, house or apartment you may as well forget about it. Vacation? Yeah with my finger across the map and that's it. A job? Haha that's funny. Why are we obsessed with phones - social media? It's a cheap way to ''hang out'' with your friends, most of us don't have the time or money to actually go out. You work all day and for what? Surely not to have some benefits from it. Obession with food? That was a good one. Of course we're obssesed with Nutella and pizza and beer it's the last bit of comfort we can afford, anything else? Not an option. You give us crap for not wanting children. Well for crying out loud we can't afford children. Why have kids if you can't even pay rent? For fuck sake. Why do I draw or have any other weird hobbies? Well isn't it obvious? Trying to make money and save money any way I can. Cynicism, anxiety, depression...hah we literally have to take up group fundraising collections for things like emergency expenses, health care, rent, house - car payments. Truth is we're all broke and it's driving us insane. So couple of years ago selfie was named as the word of the year and everyone threw a fit how it's the death of english language, because you know god forbid modern terminology considered as valid. People consider the millenials as the most selfish , lazy, shallow and narcisstic generation. Selfish to a point where the fact that you feel good and take a selfie can sum up your entire selfishness. Aparently we are consumed with ourselves and everything always has to be about us. They say all we care about is us, facebook, instagram, partying, having fun, doing nothing with our lives. And I call this bullshit okay. Every year school tuitions go up by at least 2% if not more, these generations now have the highest depression and anxiety levels then any generation before us. Little less then 50% of us won't get a job for over a year after school and even then it doesn't mean it's going to be a good job. This generation is in average 47,000$ in debt. Which is beyond insane. Who created this debt? None od us did. What did I do, commit credit card fraud? Please...I find it beyond crazy that everyone of us is considered in debt. I read an article the other day, every baby that is born here is already 5000 euros in debt. I can't even begin to process this information. What's the baby's crime? Being born? Madness. Almost 100% of people in my generation have had, will have or are suffering from an eating disorder. Like are you crazy? How are we standing by letting this happen? Almost 60% of girls struggle with thinking that they are the wrong weight, that they need bigger breasts, tinier waist, narrower nose...and you know why? Because there is a multi million or even billion I don't know, industry out there that keeps force feeding us this crap. That we're not good enough, that we're not pretty enough, that we're not skinny enough, that we will never make it, that we're lazy and stupid, that we've got nothing to be stressed enough. Everything they have to say to be successful. They don't care about pushing all of us down for their own success. And it's disgusting. Here's what I have to say to all of that, fuck them, pick your favorite filter, take a million of selfies, pretty, funny, goofy, whatever kind of selfies you want, and post them anywhere you want to, post them all if you want, spam the people, because you deserve to feel good about yourself, to feel enough, to feel beautiful. You deserve it considering the times you grew up in. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be positive and stress free and have a job you actually like. You deserve vacation and traveling and you deserve your own house or apartment with a god damn dog and a fat cat sleeping at the edge of your bed. Seriously we all deserve a little breathing room because honestly I'm so tired and so stressed and I am so done being told how much better we have it now and how bad the system used to be. Don't start that with me, you can't win. I am beyond frustrated and beyond angry and the worst part? I really don't see the way out. This is just one more of those things about me that people just don't understand. I'm not bitter or angry, well maybe a little, but what I really am is hopless and lost and confused and tired. Which is why I always say that now the only people I care to be around are artists, people like me who see the bigger picture and people who have suffered, who hadn't had it easy, those people know what beauty is, that life goes beyond petty little things we worry about. Those people know grief and sorrow and hoplessness. Nobody else interests me anymore. I don't have time for people that are grown ups but aren't grown up. You know what I mean? Lacking maturity. I don't have time for ''teenage drama'' that's just not me. And there were too many people like that in my life but I take comfort in knowing that they're no longer around and I take comfort in knowing that they think they know me based on who I was and based on what they read but guess what? They're left with this version of me that doesn't exist anymore. She was happier yeah and probably more fun but she was also dumber and naiive and I am glad I am no longer like that. I am honestly happy that all they have is a distant memory because I've changed and grown and they wont get the chance to know the better me, this newer version of me I've become while they were away. And you know what? It's their loss. And most of all I am glad to be around people who when I call them upset don't tell me ''oh maybe I can come around later this week'' but come over with a baseball bat saying ''someone's gon' get it''. Don't dwell on people that don't matter, focus on those who do instead, you'll be a lot happier. And remember no matter what crap people are saying, what the magazine is telling you. You.are.enough. You are beautiful the way you are. You don't need a fake tan and big boobs and a tiny waist, people who love you, love you for who you are not what you look like, and if they don't...well honey, they aren't even worth your trouble.

This is so not the way I wanted this blog to go to today but I got carried away with my frustrations. There's plenty of those so don't worry I'll have enough to write about if you stick around. Enjoy your weekend guys, I'll see you on monday with a little music recommendation.

P.S. Let me just share this before I go, because I was giggling for good two minutes when I read it...

''Take me to art museums and make out with me.''

''But they said to not touch the masterpieces.''

''Well somebody’s gotta pin the artwork to the wall''

American Girl

Did you miss me guys? C'mon I know you did! This past week was madness. Complete and total chaos. Which in general I mostly spent studying like an idiot. I got a good feeling but I don't want to jinx myself before I find out the results. The exams were difficult as fuck. I'm not joking it was madness. I did manage some time in between to have some fun. Or better yet I was forced to have fun. Which in the end wasn't so bad, turns out sometimes you need to relax. Go figure huh? I spent friday night getting wasted on a Havana night drinking mojito's and trying and failing at Salsa dancing. It's fun though, I might actually take some lessons. I used to do ''dirty dancing'' and loved it, but that was a long time ago. Havana night ended with me sober on the other part of town watching a cover band that does all kinds of 80's rock songs and to say they're good is an understatment, the guys are fucking fantastic. But then again if you're gonna play Sweet child o' mine then that's all you really need to make me love you. There aren't many things on this planet that I love like I love Guns n' roses...

Rock n' roll!

The ''fun'' stopped though when I got home way too late for my own good and was forced to get up in the middle of the night. Okay. It was 8 am. But seriously in the middle of the damn night. No particular reason for it either. I tried to study but who would of known tired brain will no cooperate. What a revelation huh? Spent the rest of the day up on the castle. They have these events every last weekend in August. It's fun. I don't even know why I'm up there each year but still it gives you something to do, even if you do flirt with firemen and listen to knights sing Tokio Hotel songs. Hah. Very medieval of them...

If nothing else the view from up there made me remember that I really love my home town. It's small and the people might drive me insane sometimes but it's home. You only got one of those, and mine is pretty incredible to be honest. I complain over it all the time but truth to be told I wouldn't trade it for anything...

In the middle of all this madness I realized why it's important to take time for yourself. A little ''me time'' you know. Honestly I felt like shit to do won't end this week and I was losing my mind, borderline tearing my hair out and the only problem was that I was pushing myself way too hard, I could still get everything done if I just took an hour or two in between to rest. Honestly we all need to cut ourselves some slack or take a little breath if not for our sanity then for our bodies... they won't coopearate forever and my headaches and body pain made me see clearly that I've had enough. So I took some time to breathe, put on a new record I just got *Skid Row's Slave to the grind, I'm so happy about it!* and got lost in drawing for a while and it was amazing! I felt relaxed and calmer and less stressed...Here's a little something that happened during that time...

Chris Hemsworth as James Hunt in the movie Rush, it took me forever, it took me all the remaining nerves because the red pencil kept breaking and because I have a million of different colors but none makes blonde hair look right, but here we are now, I'm not particulary happy with it, I know it could be better but I wanted to share anyways to show you guys that art isn't always perfect, every artist has a bad day sometimes...I hate it but it happens...

Alright, that's about it from me today, I have things to attend, things that involve getting drunk and sleeping through the weekend...horrible fucking idea but seriously I don't care. I had about enough of everything and everyone this week. Take care, have fun, stay safe! Good luck to everyone who started school again this week! You'll do great I know! And if you don't that's alright too, your inteligence and worth isn't defined by grades.

Stressed, depressed but well dressed.

You don't know exhaustion till you're waking up more tired then you went to bed to. I don't think it's body tired, I think it's emotionally exhausted. I can't wait till next weekend, when the first part of these exams is over with. They are taking a huge toll on me and I honestly don't even know how much more I can take. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm dizzy, I get no sleep whatsoever, my hair is falling out more from all the stress, my muscles are always tense and hurting, and let's not even begin with my mind. I don't know where my head is lately. I'm all over the place. I honestly can't wait till it ends. Which brings us to another thing...I have nothing against learning, I love it actually, I love reading, you know what they say knowlege is power but the pathological demand for grades is insane. You are more then a number or a letter grading your work. A grade does not define your inteligence. I mean honestly without stressing and obsessing with grades I honestly think kids would learn A LOT more. What's the point even? I study like crazy just for that one final mark and how much you think stays in my head two months later? Nothing is the anwser. What if we studied all year, relaxed, without the worry about a grade at the end of it. Just simple learning. Wouldn't that be better? Wouldn't kids learn more and better without the stress and anxiety and crying over exams that seem all too hard? What do you think? But what do I know right. I get called stupid and naiive daily. ''I may be young but honey I aint naiive''...or something along those lines. Either way, no time to rant or complain today, so much to do and so little time to do it. I won't be around on monday either. Exams...*sigh* wish me luck you guys not only I have a really hard exam on tuesday but I have another annoying dentist appointment as well. It's like playing a game ''let's see how much stress Nikki can take before she breaks down''. Yup pretty much...Before I go though, I'd like to share my last drawing with you guys, it's Johnny Depp from the movie Dark Shadows which just happens to be one of my favorite movies...it's quick and it's sloopy but I like it anyways...

Aight, enjoy your week-end I sure as hell won't and I'll see y'all on friday, hopefully I'll have much more to say then then I do today. Cheers!

Oh, a spider, save me Jon Snow!

What did I do this week? A big mistake that's what. Finally decided to get into Game of Thrones. Those of you who already watch it know what I did and those of you who don't, well like me before, you don't know what you're missing out on. Not only is it really good but it's just fueling my Kit Harington obsession even more...I mean I was already all over him since I saw him in Pompeii and the Seventh son but now...Jon Snow...holy fuck. That man is just so attractive. First time I went for the darkhaired one too. Usually I'd just get glued to the blonde one. But he's a sleaze ball. Besides y'all know I have a thing for British men...

Hah. Good job Nikki all you do is complain about your favorite characters dying in all your shows, sometimes not just once...god damn Supernatural...and then you go and watch Game of Thrones instead. Well done. I'm going to regret this aren't I? Oh well, what's done is done.

Have y'all been paying attention to Guns N' Roses lately? All the pictures and teasing will be the death of me. It's only seven days till the first concert in Vegas. Holy shit! I'm not even going to be there and I'm freaking out. It's been over twenty years. Welcome back to the jungle boys I'm so excited. Excited for them for doing this, excited to see what they play, excited to see who's the drummer because my money is on Adler and nothing would make me happier then Stevie and Izz joining as well. Come on it's been thirty years this reunion is probably because of the fact that Appetite is celebrating thirty years of fucking course Iz and Stevie have to be back too. Alright lets not go there again. There's actually something else that's been bothering me. I've been tearing my hair out over these stupid math exams. I've never been too bright when it comes to maths and I never will be. But I'm trying at least, doesn't that count for something? Thing is I'm an artist I'm going to an art school but still my math classes are insanely difficult and to be fair there's too many of them. Not to mention chemistry and other ''sciency'' classes. So I can't help but wonder why does the world work this way? Why are people who are talented for science and math treated differently then I am. I mean why is it okay to suck at art ''it's just not your thing'' but if you suck at math you're either stupid or not trying hard enough. This pisses me off so much. Math is also a talent. A talent not everyone has. So why is my ''gift'' worth less then theirs? How is that even fair? Why am I literally being forced to study like an idiot to pass math but science people aren't forced to take art classes because it's ''not their thing''. Lies. With practice and determination everyone can learn how to draw. Of course it's easier if you're talented but you can always learn if you want to. Didn't I learn maths? You have no idea how much this angers me. In that spirit, instead of ranting I'll go back to my drawings. I've got a ton of requests, Paul McCartney, Rhett Butler from Gone with the wind, Jon Snow *fuck yes* and the one I'm working on now, a wolf...in color. I don't usually draw animals, out of obvious reasons but this time I made an exception because I'm proving a point to myself that just becasue I don't want to doesn't mean I can't. In the mean time enjoy this finished portrait of John Lennon. I'm actually really happy with how it turned out and it also one of few drawings that took me this long. Almost twenty hours. I used B to B6 Faber Castell pencils, 0.5 technical pencil and a white ballpoint pen.

Guys just a heads up, don't take anything seriously today. It's April 1st. People will try to fuck around with you. I've been paying extra attention after a couple of people tried to play really rude jokes on me.

Anyways enjoy the weekend, to my fellow TWD fans, I hope you survive the finale, I know I'm as sure as fuck not ready for this. Christ.

Stay safe guys.

So you can drag me through hell if it means I can hold your hand.

Can't say this is excatly how I imagined my morning to go. Standing in the shower, shampooing my hair where suddenly the water goes out and I am informed that the neighbors are working on something so the water is going to be shut down for the next two hours. Yet the bitch ''forgot'' to mention. Let me point out that I'm lying on my bed in a towel, soap and shampoo all over my body and not even cold water to rinse that out. Life is wonderful is it not?

Have you guys seen the new Bring me the horizon video? No? Please do check it out because...holy shit it's good. Also this song is awesome, gotta say one of my favorites of of this album.

Guess who got all their shit done today? Well not me but someone probably did. Hah. I don't know is it this weird cold thing that fucked me up so bad or what it was but jesus christ I have no energy lately. For nothing. And I get so mad and frustrated because you know I have shit to do and I'm just putting it off. Why? It's not that I'm lazy it's that I literally can't bring myself to do stuff. I can't even finish up a drawing request I have laying around. I think it's about time I say enough is enough and bring myself to do something. Good luck with that one aye. It's kinda like that text message of ''inspiration'' my friend sent me the other day ''if Nikki made it throgh the 80's then you sure as fuck can make it through today''. I mean I'm not saying that's not true but I'm not particulary happy about it. The near thought that he could be dead right now makes me sick. Suppose I have a hard time coping with death. Then again who doesnt? Actually no, I've met a few people who ''handle loss differently''...I mean alright I understand people are different and I'm aware that all living things die but I just don't understand certain things. Like how can you say loosing a loved one wouldn't affect you just because you look at death ''differnetly''? I suppose those are words from people who never lost anyone who really mattered to them. Or am I just too ''sensitive''? I'm really confused sometimes. People can be so weird. I mean either everyone around me is insane or I'm insane I really don't know anymore. I wish I had some anwsers but life is rarely that easy huh? Am I really THAT different? To a point where I can't get along with nobody? Am I completly alone? Is there really nobody like me? With the same passion for art and music, with the same dreams for something better. With as much love for animals and nature. With the same ammount of hate for certain things like judgment based on appearance or animal cruelty, or people who are rude just because they don't agree with you. We can all have our own opinions and they don't have to be the same. Or people with a superior problem, people who think they are so much better then you. Or people who pretend to be your friends but you turn around and they stab you in the back. Yeah pretty much all of the above. People will always be people, they disappoint you, they hurt you, they use you...I suppose I should be used to it by now huh?

Anyways enough about that how about something more positive? Here are some concert pictures I got printed out...

This is a developing problem though. I have no more space. They are literally everywhere by now. Not that I mind, I mean it's always nice to have something beautiful to look at. Maybe I should have like a photo album huh? That would solve my problems right away. Wait a second this is actually not such a bad idea like a ''book'' type thing with photos, tickets, maybe guitar picks if I'm ever lucky again to catch some more. My fellow concert goers you know how hard that is right? Also, check out these...

I literally found these, I wouldn't actually buy records with basically two songs on them. To much work flipping them over all the time. Heh. But well these are nice, I do like Tom Jones, Frank Sinatra and Elvis. I mean of course it's Elvis after all. They used to be my aunts. She had a big collection but to my missfortune it was mostly classical music which you know I respect but just can't stomach. Except like Clair de lune...that one is really beautiful. I imagine I have all the Twilight fans paying attention just about now? Heh. Calm down kids this has nothing to do with Twilight I knew and loved the song before they even used it. In other news I didn't fuck up the exam on tuesday, got another 90% which is great but it also kinda bugs me, I just can't seem to climb back to 100% I don't know why. I'll shut up now because next week I have a really hard exam lined up and I'll be happy if I pass much less 90%...I'd probably danced butt naked on my street in the rain if that ever happens. Hah. Don't get excited. It's not happening. Ever. Aight I best be getting back to my studying...which is what I'll be doing the entire weekend, study and get ''stoned'' with sage tea and candy maybe my throat and voice will go back to normal then. Wishful thinking aye? Have a good weekend guys, stay safe and have a drink for me too lord knows I need it after a week like this one. Cheers!

Are we even human why does this room feel like outer space?

I've been feeling paranormal when you and I are standing face to face, when the worlds collide two hearts one mind close encounters of the very best kind every time. Are we even human why do we feel so out of place?

Should I be thankful I'm sick after the concert or can I be pissed I'm sick at all? Damnit this is the worst possible time for me to be sick. I've got so much studying still left to do I aint got no time to be sick. Not to mention this sore throat will be the death of me. Hurts like a mother fucker. Also lying sick in bed with my laptop isn't an ideal situation for anyone, not my tumblr account, not my bank account and definatelly not for the fact I can fall into another binge watching of another tv show I had never heard of before. Maybe this is the right time to finally start watching the Game of thrones and Shadowhunters. Sounds like a plan alright. Though I am convinced if there's a god above he hates me. There's a club concert in town tomorrow. A band called Reckless Roses is playing. They're a tribute band for Guns N' Roses and this is the third fucking time I'm missing out on them for whatever reason. What kind of karma is that? Who does that? How is that even fair? And then there's my family ''you saw Simple plan be happy'' or ''you're seeing Alice Cooper stop complaining'' uh for real? I mean I am happy and grateful but come on you can't just...jesus christ! Of course I'm not happy I'm gonna be home, sick on a saturday night. I rarely go out because there's rarely anything even interesting to me happening around and the one time it is..well this happens. I might as well crawl back to my bed and sob in misery. Life really is unfair. Not to mention I'm just really tired and done with the world. But hey in good news I had an art history exam yesterday, still mentally kicking my ass for not knowing the 20th century artists better but well I got about 89% on the test, should be happy about that huh? Specially after I studied maybe two hours. I couldn't focus at all partly because how can you focus after a concert like the one on sunday night? Jesus christ that smile...and partly because dates are boring and I was already comming down with this stupid flu or whatever it is feeling like hell not being able to concentrate. I guess it's true I'll never be good at math and geography or chemistry but at least I'm good in art, history and music. Should count for something don't you think? Shadowhunters looks promising, just saw the trailer and also a new episode of the Vikings is on. Should keep me busy for a while. Nothing like lying in bed with a zebra plush blanket surrounded by pictures of all your favorite boys and a good tv show. Maybe being sick aint so bad after all. Who am I kidding it's terrible. Uh. I sure hope your weekend goes better then mine will...I'll just, wallow in misery with my favorite boys they're the only thing making me happy to be fair...

Yup happy happy happy. Oh right! I forgot there's a new band I totally love! Y'all should go check it out, they're called Santa Cruz, they kinda remind of We Are Harlot. Really good. So yeah check em out, learn it, live it, love it and I'll see you on monday. Cheers guys, stay safe or better yet stay healthy ;)