Jaz sem, ti si, Veronika.

''Svijet se čini tako beskrajan, a ja svog mogu zagrliti dvije ruke...''

Forbidden love. What is that essentially? The explanation would be something along the lines of ''forbidden love is a romance between two people that is opposed by family, friends or society, as their relationship may defy cultural, religious or societal norms''. That about sums it up, but what is it really? It's a slow painful death. It's drowning on dry land. It's the sun never shining again. It's playing with fire and getting burned. It's the craving, the pining and the what ifs. What would you do if nothing was holding you back? It's the heartbreak, the pain, the torment. It leaves you broken inside and questioning if it was even worth it...

We all know the story of Romeo and Juliet right? ''For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo''...well I'm here to tell you a sadder story. Story of a couple that lived in my own hometown. I wrote about the ''Counts of Celje'' several times, but to summarize, they were the most influential late medieval noble dynasty in the area of present day Slovenia. They were the counts from 1341 and rose to ''Princes of the Holy Roman empire'' in 1436, but unfortunally died out in 1456 with the death of Ulrik II. 

But this story is not about Ulrik, this story is about his father, Friderik II. and his Veronika. So if we go right at the start of this story, supposedly Friderik met Veronika one day while out hunting, and getting injured by a deer. Like an Angel sent from heaven with long beautiful blonde hair Veronika came running to his aid. She was a knowledgeable healer and familiar with different plants and herbs. We know what title that gave you in medieval times right? A witch. She was actually the first woman in this area accused of witchcraft but we'll get to that. Now it seems that as soon as these two laid their eyes on each other they fell in love, so romantic isn't it? One look it's all it takes. Unfortunally though, when Friderik met her he was married to his first wife Elizabeta, who died mysteriously after Friderik and Veronika met. We can all put two and two together and assume this is murder right? You know that in most cases the motive for murder is either money or love? 

The cause of Elizabeta's death was never revealed, but it's a known fact that she died the same day Friderik came to see her. I'm going to give you a theory on what happened. Poison. My wild guess. Veronika DID know a lot about healing plants, I have no doubts she knew a thing or two about poisonous ones too. Of course rumors were flying around that Friderik did it, because of course she was in the way of his one true love and a divorce is out of the question for a noble family. But there was never any evidence that would corroborate this and actually accuse him of murder. Ironically though, it seems that true love is not only worth suffering for but also killing for. Three years after his wifes death Friderik married Veronika in secret because she was not noble, their love was impossible, she was not ''good enough for him''. How many times have we heard this? How many times have we wondered if we're good enough for something, for someone? It's like...hundreds and hundreds of years later, nothing is changed, our doubts, our fears, our love...everything is mirroring, everything is basically the same. 

There's an urban legend going around about a castle, nothing but ruins remain of it today (btw Friderik had a castle build for his wife Veronika, with the money he stole from his father. Now that is extra don't you think?), piles of boulders in the middle of a forest, nature took claim of it. In the middle of the ruins, there is a very odd looking stone, a stone that looks as if it's melted. What would it take for a rock to melt? Temparatures between 600 to 1300 celsius. The story goes that Friderik and Veronika sat on the rock and kissed, and it was their burning passionate love that melted it. We know today that's bullshit but it's a nice idea aint it? Love so strong, so passionate. You know I go crazy. You know us Italians, we're all about love and passion. 

Here come the complications and the heartbreak, Frideriks father Herman II. did not like the idea of this love, first of as I mentioned Veronika was unworthy, their union was against Hermans political plans, and god forbid the inheritance! Now him being so paranoid and influential meant that he has his spies everywhere, so the news of his sons marriage came to him too. He found out his son is not only married but madly madly in love, and whats worse? The had a son together! The horror! The family went into hiding because of his fathers persecution, and this is the one time where Catholic church did something right and help them hide. A prior hid them in a convent. Out of spite and anger Herman burned down the castle Friderik build for Veronika (it was rebuid by Friderik after Hermans death but still fell to ruins later) and whats interesting is that each year on that spot, pink roses grow and bloom amongst the ruins. 

Running out of ideas Herman accused Veronika of witchcraft, beacuse it's impossible for his son to be in love right? It's impossible for him to be this crazy about someone, to be so passionate, to be so devoted...only logical explanation? She's a witch and he must be under a powerful spell. If such a thing existed can someone point me towards the witch that can cast it? I sure as hell wouldn't be against someone completely obsessed with me *coughTomCruisecough* in a healthy way that is. So Herman wanted Veronika to burn for her crimes but what makes this story unique is not only was she the first woman accused of witchcraft but she was also acquitted. She apparently had a fantastic defence and a witness statement by the very prior that hid them, which helped the charges against her to be dropped. It didn't help much though, Herman was on a war path, determined to end this love story, so he had her locked up in one of their many castles, determined to starve her to death. 

Friderik on the other hand was locked in a tower. A tower build specifically to be a jail cell for Friderik, his father apparently hoped he'll come to his senses or break the spell or whatever else he was thinking. My heart literally hurts for him, locked in that tower, no windows, no doors, and ripped away from the love of his life not knowing what fate she suffered. Can you imagine the heartbreak? Can you imagine the pain after he finally learned? I can't. It's a story so tragic it's making me want to cry. 

So Hermans plan of starving Veronika didn't pan out, locals were bringing her food, so Herman did the next logical thing. Logical in his head that is, he had his servants storm the castle and kill her. Supposedly they drowned her in a bathtub. Ironic because drowning was the second most popular way to kill a witch. Herman had their son Ivan traced and killed as well. Talk about a real ruthless animal that goes over bodies to get what he wants, even bodies of his own family. Vile. Disgusting. And one would think we evolved and grew and learned but reality is that we became even more animalistic. I keep thinking about Friderik in that tower getting the news from one of his loyal servants that dug a hole under the wall and was brining him food. I just...I think about what I would do, what I would feel and it's killing me, it's breaking my heart. 

Herman learned that at some point Friderik will have to be released, because he's his first son and heir to the ''throne''. So at literally the brink of death Herman let him go. I wonder what led to it, starvation by force or just heartbreak. I think it was the second. I think he literally felt like he had nothing to live for no more. First thing he did upon his release was to move Veronikas body to the convent they were hiding in, and out of grief never again remarried, I suppose that contributed to the dynasty dying out. Friderik gave away all his possesions to convents after that and his only death wish? To be burried next to his love. Of course it wasn't granted. Of course he had to be buried in the same church the entire family is buried in. 

Here's another dark and twisted turn in this tale. While Frideriks wish was not granted and he was not buried with the love of his life, parts of him might have been. It was not unusual in those times to bury the body, the head and the heart separate and I think we all know which part of him would of end up with her. But that's not the twist in the story, the twist is while the local museum has his skull in it's depo (supposedly that is, there's some speculation that the skulls in the museum possesion are not the counts after all, after a 1800s fire that burned down the church where they were buried, the tombs were treated unprofessionally and bodies removed in a way that left them too damaged, with no way to actually extract and compare DNA), and the last resting place of Veronika IS known, nobody knows where she is today. Story goes that she is in the ground where a torn down part of the convent (a chapel, the very same one Friderik chose as his own resting place, coincident? I think not) is but nobody knows for sure. I read once that a GPR analysis showed anomaly in the soil, and that they were able to map out an entire chapel that is supposedly in good condition, but it was never dug up and explored. 

There are several archived documents that lead to thinking she's there. In 1434 Friderik asked the Vatican for a pardon for this chapel, the chapel itself was dedicated to Mary and an institution that belonged to the Count family. And in 1428 the highest member of the Carthusian order issued ''some'' permit in connection with ''some'' chapel, upon ''some'' request by the monks in the convent. The request was to let a woman be buried in an all male convent. Now the only woman in connection to this convent is Veronika who was hiding there, so this makes sense that she'd also be buried in a place that was SO important to the both of them. The Vatican archives claim that this request was granted by the way. 

You know me. You know I'm going crazy. You know I HAVE to know how this story ended, and I hope one day we get to learn where she is, maybe even if somehow by some miracle they still ended up together. The romantic in me wants to believe that's the case anyways. Until then...here's some pictures....

Čisti dopamin.

 

Kad nemam tebe, sa mnom su moji demoni, kad nemam tebe. Kad nemam tebe, sa mnom se igraju oni, kad nemam tebe.

I literally can't, CAN NOT believe that I have to start this post, with another rough week. Well rough couple of days but same thing. And all that after vacation, which was amazing. You know I keep telling you Slovenia is a beautiful country. And it is. The mountains, the woods, the sea, all the green landscapes. Joker Out. Lol. Everything is absolutely stunning (as Henry Cavill said). But the flaws are also stunning in another way. In a bad way. Like I love people at the seaside, they're nice and kind, they do things with a smile on their faces, even  when things are hard. They don't know how to be rude, really. And I find that fascinating. No matter how much people may annoy them, they will still find a way to smile about it. Must be something in that oceanic air, and pretty views, and just generally good vibe you get there. 

I keep saying ''you only get what you give'' and that's so true. You can't be in a bad mood at the sea side. Impossible. You know me, I aint no sunshine at 7 in the morning, I think we all established that to be true. But would you look at that, a little change of environment and suddenly it's not tough to get up earlier, and people tell you you're delightful, and nice and kind, and all that before your first cup of coffee. No, I'm not joking. I can only think that I'm a bitch back home because I get up in a gloomy atomsphere, in a town I hate, in a house I hate. Surrounded by people that give me nothing but negativity, purely because I am not like them. I wonder daily what's wrong with me, why can't I fit in? Why can't I just belong somewhere? Why am I so strange? Why can't I be ''normal''? Why can't I see things like other people do? Why can't I just smile and move on at things like screaming spoiled kids, and chocolate bunnies, and not get annoyed when people tell me ''good morning''? Side note for the love of god just say ''morning'' it's never good after all. Why can't I just participate in small talk? Why can't I silence my brain sometimes? Why do I gotta over think or just think at all? You know at the sea  side all these things shut up? All these thoughts melt away? And it's not because you're on vacation, it's because of the feedback in the environment. It's because you  feed off what you get, it's because people are nice, because they are not stand offish, because they don't judge and look at you like you murdered and strung up their pets. I don't know…something is profoundly wrong with everyone around me. Not me. Because once you take me out of this place, I'm completely normal. Or as close to it as possible. And it hurts me phisically that that life is completely out of reach to me. It hurts me phisically that I can't fix certain things, that they'll always be wrong. Life is fucking unfair, but who am I telling, I'm sure everyone of you reading this right now, have your own stories of how life is unfair. 

In two weeks nobody gave me a sideways glance, nobody looked at me funny, nobody was snappy, rude, mean, judgemental. Nobody even had a frown on their face. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. And to put it in perspective, just coming home, first thing that happened a taxi driver in the morning when I'm carrying three heavy boxes, obviously too heavy and too big for me, barks at me if it even makes sense to call a cab for 3 km which I could easily walk. Walk? With three boxes when I couldn't even lift one on my own? What's it to him? Even if I call him for 500 meters, I'm paying, that's what they do right? Drive people from spot A to spot B? Then he tells me that he'll charge me 3 eur extra per box, so lets see 14 euros for 3 km ride? Are you insane? Am I in fucking Paris? Watafak. That's not even all, he was snappy, rude, had a smirk on his face that I wish I could smack off and he tells me when paying ''oh sorry I don't have change'' so basically he forced me to tip his crappy service. Let me point out that I for once in a very millenial fashion went to ''yelp about it'', only I wrote a Facebook review, calm, collected, no swearing, just pointing out what happened and that I thank them for their services, which I won't be using ever again. Imagine that some asshole, mansplaining (which makes me so angry I could stab a fork in his thigh), comments ''I don't know which taxi service you were using but it wasn't ours, have a nice day''. Bitch are you kidding me? So what now, I'm a woman and too stupid to read the fucking sign, plastered over the entire car door? I know it's useless to get upset, but just it was a nice shock and a nice reality check of ''oh you really must be home''. 

''You can't get better in an environment that's making you sick'' is also so true because jesus fuck things at home aint no better. Like why can't we talk like normal people? Why does every conversation turn into world war three? Why asking a normal question feels like an attack? Why why why? Why can't I just say what's bothering me without being yelled at? Without accusations, without being told I'm the issue, and stupid, and won't amount to anything and it's all my fault, my life is all my fault because all the fucking trauma and sickness I got I clearly caused myself. Because I am not normal, because I don't want ''normal'' things, because my world is different than theirs, because I just care about different things. I am not normal. I need a head exam. Sure. Okay. I had never in my life felt this misunderstood and misheard and just…idk walked on, stepped on, worthless…you know…meh it's useless, another one of those, can't be changed things, just makes you wish you could sometimes disappear. Drive off a cliff. Or dive into the deepest ocean. It really was a nice reality check of how different home and ''not home'' yet still home are. Same country, same language, same people but somehow completely different. 

Ugh I don't know how this happened, I wanted to talk about vacation and suddenly I'm on page two sob fest. I'm sorry. The air back home clearly doesn't agree with me. Not emotionally and not physically. Don't even get me started on how all my allergies flared up or the monstrous headache I'm battling right now. La vita e bella aye? 

It felt good being back in Koper, not just the people and the vibe and the sea, generally it felt like coming home, not the other way around when I did come home, going there felt like home. Seeing the people I missed, the narrow streets, the salty air, the most perfect sunsets, my favourite bar that still looks like someone's living room and plays the best music ever. If that ever goes for sale I'm selling my kidneys and firstborn to buy it. Just saying. It was so calming to sit in the filthy industrial port, watching the huge cargo ships, when it gets dark and they turn on all the lights, and actually look kinda beautiful. It was so comforting listening to the cranes loading and unloading huge shipping containers, at all hours of the day and night. I can't explain it but it gives me a strange sense of calmness and peace. Just like watching the water does, something about sitting on a pier, legs in the water watching all the sea life and the sea itself, so infinite, so deep…I wish people were as deep, I wish love was infinite, I wish life was different. I love watching the ocean, letting it calm me down, thinking about what secrets it hides. I love swimming, there's nothing but you and the water, and you can just float, wishing you'd float away. To be honest I feel more like I'm drowning on land than I do in the water. 

I even love all the stupid tourist oriented crap in Portorose. The dumb hotel complexes and casinos, the fancy Palace, the sandy beach (it's kinda the best really), the basically ruined coast line with said complexes (Bernardin is one of those areas), sea food restaurants, ice cream places (yes, literally). And I love the mean seagulls which come after your stuff you leave at the beach, and occassionally steal it. 

I love stupid crowded Trieste (obviously since it's Italy), I love it's crowded filthy ports and streets. I even loved getting completely drenched in the biggest rain shower I've ever seen. I love the small shady pizza place that makes the best pizza you've ever eaten. I love their Aperol only they make right, I love the fact that they have weddings on Piazza unita in the middle of the week and everyone is welcome to party with the happy couple. I even love their annoying talking 24/7. I guess I love everything as long as it's not ''home''. I loved the market, supposedly ''farmers market'' but fancy, closed, it's called ''Eataly'' how brilliant is that? Expensive, fancy but kinda perfect. 

Another thing I checked off my list this year was the wine fountain. I keep babbling about the beer fountain but it would appear we also have a wine one. Guys. GUYS! It's kinda perfect. The sea side region also has the best wine in Europe. NO. Do not start a war with me and do not start with ''but the French or Italian'' no. It's amazing. And the fact you also get to keep the wine glass is kinda perfect. So I can now drown my sorrows in wine in a fancy glass not a mug saying ''I'm not fat I'm fabulous''. Yes I know. Shut up. Wine in a mug. Tradgedy. 

And another very important thing. I finally FINALLY after years made it to Postojna. Where my fellow Witcher fans at? Y'all will know what's significant in Postojna. A certain castle? Let me tell you I freaked out. Literally freaked out, just on the way there. Lucky I was surrounded by tourists so they didn't even know what I keep on babbling about but it was all Henry this Henry that I admit. Like listen, let a fangirl fangirl in peace. Did I amuse a couple of German tourists watching me roll in the grass where Henry stood? Yes. Was I looking for a forensic team to find me a loose hair or something? Absolutely not. Can we put the Witcher aside for a second. Hard to do but lets try. The castle is amazing. Majestic. Build in a wall, a cave, the biggest castle in a cave on the planet, has a Guinness record for it. Just I have no idea how they even build that so many years ago (13th century). Exploring it is amazing, there's many replicas and some authentic things in it's rooms, to give you a rough idea how life looked like. Some narrow passages and stairs are really hard to climb but still, well worth the stupid over priced ticket. Lets get back to the Witcher though, you guys, I rolled in the grass where Henry stood. Y'all processed that yet? Because I didn't. And I touched the walls he touched. His literal DNA might have been on my hands, and a couple hundred other strangers but still! We went to get lunch at the restaurant overlooking the castle, fantastic food btw, but like, imagine that he might very well be eating there too! I'm screaming at the thought alone. We had time and also went to see a museum of the area it was so fun! Interactive, about exploring the caves and the region and it's animals. I got stamps on my arms for correct answers. Lol. Basically I'm a kid on the inside yes, and sometimes on the outside too. 

Y'all know the tiny Pirano, the city build on the salt is my absolutely favourite thing on the planet right? Tha really tiny streets, the charm, the laundry hanging above your head, smell of nonas cooking, the sound of waves crashing the shore which you can hear anywhere you are. God it's beautiful, it has a heartbeat of it's own, a life of it's own. You should consider yourself lucky to get to experience it, at least once. I went back to the aquarium too, it's small, it's cute, I know it by heart now, but they had financial issues years back so I was like, you know what buying a ticket is the least I can do so…it's always fun watching the animals. They're the species that live in our Adriatic ocean, I talked to a biologist too about the structure of the animal life changing, the planet heating up means new species in our ocean. Tropical ones that pose a huge issue to our own fish. Everything is changing isn't it? Not to the better of course. Everything is more than not falling apart. A fun thing? I met a ''dry shark'' at the aquarium. They have a new member who is trust me more interesting than all the fish combined. 

The most shocking thing might follow now though. I made friends. Actual human friends. Not dogs. Not cats. Well plenty of those. But I honestly mean humans. Me. Like I said people are different. They actually, honestly like me. They wanted to get to know me, they wanted to talk, and it was no stupid small talk. It was straight to important questions and deep topic, and the never ending space. You know what I mean? It was kinda amazing. It felt like for the first time in a long time I talked to actual adults. At home everyone just feels like children with zero attention span that stops at hair and nailpolish or ''what the hell do you mean with I don't want kids''. Actual living breathing people, not imaginary, that said they're so sad I'm leaving, to stay in touch, to catch up when I'm around. It's hard to understand. Here at home I could post 50 ads that I'm looking for normal people to be friends with and it would probably end in an insane asylum or as a skin suit. But like, you know me, you know I can't get outta my skin, so the best friend I've met? His name is Pik, you pronounce it as ''pick''. His owner was a boy about 15 or so, super sweet, great to talk to, made me realise I miss smart and witty and inteligent kids. Kids who care about other things too, not just shallow stupidity of reality shows, or whatever the hell else is currently popular. He literally just gave me the dog, and came back each night so I could play with the dog. He made me feel very Vito Corleone with wine and a cat, except that well Pik is a dog. I returned to the hotel and cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes that first night, because kindness of strangers is just unknown to me. So Mai if you're ever reading this by some miracle, thank you, you made my life so much better, by simply showing me that good people still exist, even here. 

I might as well stop the rant here, it may only get darker because the weather outside is only reflecting my mood on the inside. Dark, gloomy, cold, raining. I honestly feel like all the happiness has left this planet. Is this a dopamine crash? Depression? Idk. I feel like I'm drowning and the sea is nowhere near me. Choking. Chest hurts. Maybe my heart hurts. I don't know. Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong in here. Oh, hah that's a lyric aint it? ''Sometimes it feels like everything is wrong in here, but there's still tomorrow, forget the sorrow, when I can be on the last train home''. The irony. It leaves at 2 am. To Koper. Jesus how I wish I could. Home. I learned lately what's missing. Home is not a place. Home is where you feel at home. Home is where the people you love are. Home is where you're happy. Fuck it now I'm crying again. Jesus this is a hobby at this point aint it? 

I don't know what's up with me. Must be that reality check I keep talking about, how the honesty and truth and coming back to reality hurts. When you crash you crash hard. It must be that. I guess it will pass. Or I guess I just shouldn't leave this town no more, because coming home…it looks like there aint nothing worse, but hey at least the insight into myself was good. At least I realised it's not all me. At least I learned that most of my mistakes, most of my flaws, behavior, moods, that aint me. it's this place. It's dark, it's oppressive, it's depressive, and I hate it more and more daily. I just wish I at least know what to do, I don't plan on saving the planet, this place, the world, I just need to create my own world inside this place that I hate. Maybe then I can find a smidge of happiness too. Suggestions welcome, judgment not so much, I get plenty of that at home, thanks. Now excuse me while I go find my Russian flask for a sip of whatever strong shit is inside it, might ease my pain. Yes I know alcohol aint the solution but the world is going to hell in a handbasket anyways. Cheers guys. 

P.S. Enjoy some beach drawings…I had fun making them, more fun than drawing anything else in a while…also, and this makes me insanely happy, the bar? The ''someone's living room I'd pawn my entire life to buy''? The lighthouse now hangs in that bar. It's like…a piece of me is now there too, and that's kinda amazing.