“I love you, I think, and you are my home.”

I've been staring out my window for a good hour now. Just watching the trees. Isn't it funny when fall arrives, they change color and start falling, first one, then two, then a few more and then suddenly they go all together and there's nothing to the tree but the bare ''skeleton''. Long empty branches reminding you of what once was. Ever considered us humans are just like that? People, things, events, trauma, chipping away at us till there's nothing left? Yeah every spring trees get green again, new life, new start…I suppose for us that start is a bit harder to achieve. I never liked the fall, it's the whole dead, cold, dark, wet, gloomy part that follows that I despise, the part I wish I could skip alltogether. 

Which is why there hasn't yet been the post with the summer get away. First off missing the warm summer sun and the beach is one thing, and having no energy to actually edit pictures is another. I have no idea when did photography turn into a chore for me. Just like Inktober. I have no idea when it stopped being fun and it's only my stubborness that made me see things through. And the third reason is that obviously my photos contain pictures of me. Go figure. You know this year is the first year that I actually took a lot of pictures at the beach? I actually felt confident and good about myself so I took tons of pictures in bikinis. I don't usually do that, because well easier to hide behind the lens,  and secondly I don't want that kind of attention. 

I find it so upsetting how many people that haven't talked to me in YEARS reached out to me after posting just one picture on Instagram. By people I mean men. Why do women put up with men? Because when I complain and my best friend says ''oh you know Nikki not all men…'' she's right. Henry Cavill would never. But really, and this is a question for my guy readers. You think being sleazy will make us magically drop our panties? You think gross comments will make us swoon? You think I appreciate it when you tell me my art is fine but you rather look at me? I'm offended not flattered. This is not a ''in a room full or art I'd still stare at you'' type thing, all you made me feel is like a shitty artist or just not good enough or just…how is a friend a friend if they can't support your work but stalk your private profile? Like I can't…this is a when you wear something with a cleavage and men stare down your shirt instead of into your eyes when you talk type thing.

You think cheap pick up lines are a way to a womans heart? You think any of these tricks actually work? Deep sigh. I am once again considering of removing the ''private instagram''. I know it's stupid. I know I should be able to post what I want and just block / ignore the assholes but when it's 10 assholes a day and once nice person every few months it just gets exhausting you know. I get so pissed off when every now and then there's someone on my ''business profile'' and all they do is like ALL of the stories in the ''my face'' category but don't even look at anything else. It makes me roll my eyes all the way into my skull. Serious question, what happens if I proclaim I'm a lesbian on all profiles? Will these creeps fuck off then? No disrespect to my LGBTQ comunity, you guys know I love you, I'm just wondering, will this send a message to sleazy men that I am NOT interested? Sigh…

In connection to that you get a book review today. Because there are three things I am positive about. First , Edward was a vampire. Lol, kidding. Not that book. Three things I am positive about, there are too little strong female main characters in books, there are too little women in STEM (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) in books and no matter how many friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, rivals to lovers books you give me, I will read all of them. What can I tell you I'm a sucker for happy endings. Here's the deal, my heart will always belong to fantasy worlds of Lord of the rings and anything like the Witcher ( whyyyy Henry why?! I mean I know why and my respect for you really grew even more but seriously just why?! You don't expect me to watch Hemsworth in leather and swoon do you? Gross. ) but sometimes I just need a cutsey romance to get through the day – week – month. 

Ok so I'll do a ''Love on the brain'' review first because everyone reads Ali's ''Love Hypothesis'' first (so did I) and then bitches about ''LOTB'' (I'm not going to). Here's the deal, yes there are simmilar stories but if you're not a complete idiot you'll figure that out by reading the summary on the back and go figure you can chose just not reading a book instead of bitching about it? I know right, wild idea. 

First of, Ali bestie I love you. Thank you for the love for women in STEM and for highlighting the issues they face. I can't believe that in the lords year of 2022 we still have to fight for equality. Sigh. God forbid huh a woman scientist. Or worse a woman scientist better than her male colleagues, the world might spontaneously combust just at the thought of that. 

Secondly I will never believe anything but, that men written by women just don't exist. Seriously. They don't. Men in books written by women are the sole reason we sit alone with our cats in matching onesies, watching tv shows about serial killers (or as I like to call them instruction manuals). You don't actually expect me to read about Levi Ward, Adam Carlsen and Aaron Blackford and be normal about it do you? 

Here's the deal, ''Love on the brain'' is more relatable to me. No, I'm not as smart as Bee (I wish I was) but the setting in NASA and her general appearance with piercings, tattoos and purple hair that's closer to me than anything. (Dying my hair back to purple next week. So excited!). 

So a short summary in case you're unfamiliar with the story;

''Bee Konigswasser lives by a simple code: What would Marie Curie do? If NASA offered her the lead on a neuroengineering project – a literal dream come true – Marie would accept without hesitation. Duh. But the mother of modern phsyics never had to co – lead with Levi Ward. 

Sure, Levi is attractive in a tall, dark, and piercing eyes kind of way. But Levi made his feelings toward Bee very clear in grad school – archenemies work best employed in their own galaxies far, far away. 

But when her equipment starts to go missing and the staff ignore her, Bee could swear she sees Levi softening into an ally, backing her plays, seconding her ideas…devouring her with those eyes. The possibilities have all her neurons firing. 

But when it comes time to actually make a move and put her heart on the line, there's only one question that matters: What will Bee Konigswasser do?''

Before I start with the review WHICH WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS SO BEWARE, can I just say it's hard to focus with helicopers and tanks roaring around? Always fun living next door to the biggest military base. Just waiting for that moment in the day when fighters swoop in and do a couple laps in our skies. Shut up those I love so much. The sound alone gets me all excited, nevermind the barrel rolls they're doing above my house. Lol. And I especially enjoy my dumb neighbors (haven't complained about them in a while huh?) bitching about the noise, the ''danger'' and so on and so on. Scared of a teeny tiny practice fighter. Wonder what they'd do if F-18s of fifth gen flew over our heads. Which reminds me of my time in Tuscany right next to their air force base I think it's ''Rosignano'' beause Aviano is way higher up, I flipped with happiness because they actually had stealth fighter jets that took off without a sound from an underground hangar. Insane! Pretty sure they were Boeings F15 silent eagles. Shut up I love fighter jets. 

I'm so off topic right now, lets get back to the book. So spoilers ahead be warned and don't come bitching at me that I ruined the book for you later. Also a question, I got a suggestion to add links below where to buy? Is that something you'd be interested in? 

I keep letting other people opinions influence me so I went into this book a tiny bit sceptic. I don't know why because if there's one thing I learned it's that I HATE everything popular (Collen Hoover) and LOVE everything other people hate. Funny isn't it? If people in general don't like it then I'm bound to love it. So it was the same with this one. I read so many negative reviews only to love the book myself in the end. Read it in one afternoon. Already excited about Ali's third book coming out next year but more on that another time.  Love on the brain in my opinion is the perfect amount of drama, romance and comedy.

Imagine after some devastating career blows you get an offer from NASA. Yes THE NASA. Here I am my brain melting though I'll never get the chance. Sadly. Maybe if they ever need an assistant to make scientists coffee or something like that. Hah. So imagine Bee gets an offer from NASA she's over the moon about it OF COURSE and then the other shoe drops. It's always that way. Always. Nothing good ever happens without something else going wrong. It's like tipping the scales, you can never have light without dark type thing. So accepting the NASA gig means Bee is working with Levi, her arch enemy. He constant rival. Her nemesis. Now she knows he hates her (not at all) and she doesn't want to see him again let alone work with him. But to get away from her job and terrible boss she needs this project to work out. So whatcha gonna do? Bite the bullet aye?

Listen I love Bee she's adorable, she's badass, she's smart, and sometimes just such a bimbo like how did you not realise that boy is head over heels for you girl? I love her style, I love her purple hair (vegan yay!) I love her humor and I hate how she's underestimated and pushed to the side too much and assaulted, but that's how it is for women in STEM no? I love her fangirling over Marie Curie and how she made a twitter account to connect a whole community, that was such a fun addition to the story and go figure now we all know a bit more about Marie which I can only call a bonus. 

Now the sciency part of the book? Sounds great but I have no idea what they're really doing. Stimulating parts of astronaut brain to help control emotional response? Something like that? I think. It was interesting to read even if a bit confusing at times. And I seriously hope NASA would not care about her purple hair. I like to believe what's inside that head that matters not on it.

AND now we get to the absolute cinnamon roll, sunshine, adorable baby that is Levi Ward. We start off with this cold, shut off Levi, he's silent, he's moody and broody, he's avoiding Bee, he seems rude to her, but that's just because he's an idiot and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and actually talk. If they just talked to eachother and cleared misunderstandings would be so great. Why are people like this really? I know laying your cards on the table is scary but if we did it more often…life could be hella easier. Says the girl that has never been honest about her feelings in her life. The whole dynamic between him and Bee besides avoiding of course lol is so cute. He respects her, listens to her, and just is there for her you know. Call me late at night from a cemetery and I'm there in ten minutes type thing. And I'll make you dinner and give you itch relief cream…sigh. AND to make matters worse you guys, he's a cat dad. I can't. Seriously men written by women do NOT exist. 

There's this long post…LONG post. A confession, Levi tells Bee how he feels about her, not knowing he's telling it to her. Confusing I know. Read the damn book. But seriously that confession has got to be one of the cutest things I've read. Here's to sitting on the couch with your cat and wine daydreaming about what's it like to have that perfect match. It's kinda funny really how Levi has been in love and pining over Bee for years and she misread it as hate. I mean they do say that there's a fine line between love and hate but still. Funny. I actually loved all the frustrating moments where he almost told her why he doesn't hate her but was always somehow interrupted. Frustratingly funny. 

Listen to me. Bee has an assistent called Rocio. And I am in love. For real. Goth girl. Drama queen. Boots. Heavy makeup. Jet black hair. Rebel. That whole ''we're all going to die'' dark depressing vibe? Cmon you guys she's basically me. Of course I love her. Bee also has a sister who is everything I wish I was. Free spirited, today in Paris, tomorrow Norway, next week god knows. Let's pretend I'm brave enough for such a lifestyle. And oh my god I just had a random enlightenment (is that how this word is spelled?). You know that ''You've got mail'' is one of my favourite movies? I don't actually have a copy because movies on DVDs are so hard to get here, so usually they run it on tv each year in like November or December and I'm glued to the screen. I know it by heart by now but I love it still. Anyways, no wonder I love this book, it has some major You've got mail vibes. 

Oh you guys there's quite some NSFW parts in here…*wiggles eyebrows* just saying. It gets pretty steamy. Now to wrap this up, let me just say I love how Bee has each country she lived in tattooed on her back, each one representing home, and I love how the line of tattoos ends with the outline of the house she lives in with Levi because in the end that is home. Fuck. So sweet. Don't you just love a happy ending? I do. Maybe because in real life they just don't exist no more. Let at least my books be happy. Or it's the way my ex told me that I'm obsessed with finding love because I can't love myself. Sounds rude, but he's actually right. So, for the actual ending (can y'all believe I'm writing again? Must be a miracle on it's own) enjoy this tiny doodle of Bee and Levi plus bonus Schrodinger who makes me wonder will I ever learn to draw cats? Sigh. I love how this one came out though, for a doodle it's better than my usual work *cough* inktober *cough*. And yes I do have NASA sheets. Shut up. 

No mourners, no funerals.

''We'll take this city, might burn it down, we'll break this city, and wear it like a crown''.

About time I sit down and write some of my own content huh? If only I can force my brain to co - operate. Oh my god you guys I am so tired. This week felt like an entire year. A year of bullshit and trauma and bad shit piled upon bad shit. I guess many of us feel that way but it's really been a bit much. And people wonder why I drink. And then suddenly I'm sitting in my grandmothers living room, drinking orange juice out of my mason jar, pretending to be ''healthy'' and she takes a sip going ''your juice went bad'', I'll count myself lucky that she didn't figure out that the juice that went bad was mostly vodka. Or wait, maybe she did know and decided to be quiet about it. Did y'all know Romania has vodka in like mini milk cartons? Imagine how convenient, I'd love that, going on my way sipping on vodka looking like I'm drinking milk. Sip sip bitch. 

Now that aside, since there are all but zero pleasures in my life besides booze, books and drawing, you can expect the posts to spin around those topics. I won't ramble on about music because well what's the fucking point? I want to slit my wrists knowing concerts might happen just without me there. I haven't seen a gig since my birthday in 2019, and I swear I am in physical pain. In other news I'm actually happy I decided to participate in Inktober 52 this year because despite having a hard time getting the proper materials (do people even understand what Micron not Omicron but Micron graphic liners are?) and ripping my hair out over lacking creativity and drawings that are somehow just never good enough for me, that aside it's still something I look forward to each week (only I'd be so sadistic to look forward to stressing myself out each week…well when stress is all you know…). A new drawing prompt is at least something that keeps my brain stimulated and working. This weeks prompt though (keep an eye out for the post on IG tomorrow) is a recycled Inktober idea, but that's not due to lack of ideas but firstly because some people when you say stripes all they see is a zebra and all I see is Gomez Addams. Y'all know I can't resist drawing my favourite couple. So I took my ''suit'' prompt from October and elevated it to a higher level. Why do I sound like judges in Masterchef right now? You need to take this plate and elevate it to a higher level. Lol. If they said that to me, the elevation I'd do is throwing the plate in their heads. But I'm off topic and this is a rant for another day. 

Alright so no, unfortunally for you I'm not sharing cocktail recipes with you today, though I should, feels like I'd do something good for the community, nor am I sharing a detailed description of a highly erotic dream I had in which a specific very attractive man explored every inch of my body (and I his) and let me tell you something just thinking about it makes all the cells in my body combust in fire, the hands, the hair pulling, the biting and choking. I'm going to start panting just thinking about it. Lol. So instead I'll be boring and I'll give you a book review and oh my god you guys what a book it is! I loved it from the first page to the last. 

Before I say anything at all about the content, look at that beaufitul collectors edition book. All satin black and red foiling! I am obsessed with all the pretty shiny foiling! The ''Niffler'' in me is going crazy. Lol you don't even see the way it sparkles on the picture but trust me, it's perfect. And how about that character art? Sharing my favourite couple obviously but there's other characters that are just as pretty. And the red pages! I am in love. 

You'll remember the author Leigh Bardugo from my other reviews. The Grisha verse triology, and my obsession with the Darkling. I'm still right there, my poor mistreated baby…sigh. This is a duology though and I've yet to read the second part, which I'm struggling with due to a massive spoiler I saw (seriously people flag and tag your ''porn'' we don't wanna see that shit) and it's kinda…you know not something I wanna see. Puts you off from reading. I'll get there eventually though.

Before you continiue this post will obviously contain massive spoilers for ''Six of crows'', so if you haven't read it, I'd say, get off your butt and go get a jug of vodka and juice (or just vodka, hey I aint judging) instead, and if you did read it and still wanna read my ramblings and ravings, welcome, I'm so happy to have you here. 

Straight off the bat, this book is so hyped up. Everyone is talking about it, everyone is reading it, everyone is raving about it. That's usually another turn off for me because it was proven again and again that something that the masses love, I tend to hate. I can't help it, that's just how it is, my brain is hardwired the wrong way, I explained that a couple of times before. I'm usually a bit scared to go read super hyped up books because of that reason alone. I tend to be disappointed in the end, I'm looking at you 365 days. Utter garbage believe me. 

Excuse me I was interrupted by my mother yelling downstairs ''your mafioso is on tv'', could be many of them tbh but it was Thomas Shelby which obviously means all my undivided attention in a heart beat. My god that man. And oh dear god those crystal clear baby blues, like a hurricane on a Scandinavian coast. A blue so deep you don't even see the bottom. Sigh. I'm lost in a fantasy, ignore it, I'll pull myself together and pretend I'm any good at book reviews. Hey we're not all writers, some of us are just bullshitting through life, pretending we know what we're doing. Pretending our lives aren't going to shit or that we have any control at all. Pretending everything is fine when we open the car door on a parking lot and stumble outside in a landslide of cans and bottles. But seriously don't drink and drive kids, you may spill your drink (Joke. Seriously it's a joke, if y'all still know what humor is).

So super hyped up book, I had a hard time finding someone who wouldn't like it. Which tbh, fair enough, it's a fantastic book. It's beautifully written, full off action, a little ''constipated'' romance with fools who don't understand they're in love (aren't we all right there though?) and criminals that in the end their biggest crime will be stealing your heart.  Oh wait! Before we go on, this has very little actual ties to the Grishaverse triology but I'd still suggest you read those first because then this will make more sense. I kinda would call it the unofficial part four since it's happening after the events in the third book of the triology, but also not really, it's part four in the way of a fully established fantasy world. Or well you can watch the tv show because they brilliantly combined the two. That was a stroke of genius tbh to combine the triology and duology in one action packed tv show. Great job to whoever came up with it. 

So this story alternates betweeen six characters obviously since it's titled ''six of crows'' six crows…and I am not usually  the biggest fan of the plot  being split between two points of view never mind six! But I found myself enjoying the way this plot works especially since with every separate character and their chapters we learn a bit more of their backstory which really explains who they are and how they became the way they were. Let's be honest they're essentially teenagers but act more mature than fifty plus year olds around me. Obviously something  (life) made them that way.

They're described as followed;

- A convict with a thirst for revenge 

- A sharpshooter who can't walk away from a wager

- A runaway with a privileged past

- A spy known as the Wraith

- A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums

- A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes

The plot focuses on an impossible heist for a huge reward. Meaning a large chunk of money, but what the points of view switching tells us is different motivation. Everyone has a different reason for needing money, for needing to complete the task at hand.  And in more than one case it's not about the money but rather in buying freedom. If that's not something I'd understand more then well right now then nothing is.

I take it Kaz is pretty much the main character here, the story revolves around him. Dirty hands. The bastard of the barrel and the brilliant criminal mind who undertakes insane missions and heists in order to build up an empire and a name and all fueled by revenge. Yes I understand that too. Revenge just might be my biggest motivation as well. In some aspects of life that is. The story shows us some of the impossible missions he already undertook and then introduces us to the heist that is so daring and so crazy, even he may not make it happen. Does he though? Well read the book...

Wait a second, I didn't even think of it this way before but in this book I have two favourites, one being Kaz, who is essentially a gang leader…of course he is. And the other is Matthias who is blond and blue eyed. Son of a bitch. I really never stray far from my likes…and I didn't even realise. Sigh. 

Ironically I can relate to the cold hearted and ruthless part of Kaz most. The part that doesn't care how much violence something needs to get it done, and the part of him that does anything in his power for those he cares about. Yeah. He's dealing with his trauma, there are reasons he is the way he is and that's another thing I can perfectly understand. Don't we all have some sorta fucked up baggage we can't really process?

I'm literally in between typing this solving quizes online on who is my Grishaverse soulmate, already assuming all I get is the Darkling but lets keep the options open…hm first result says Nikolai, second says Kaz and the third one said Nikolai again. Well makes sense, another pretty blond. Lol. And it shows my mind is all over the place if I can focus on one simple task at hand. Finishing this damn post that I've been working on and off pretty much the entire day.

I actually think this may be the first heist book I've ever read. Seriously. I can't remember any before this one, it was always hurt / comfort. Mutual pining. Heartache. Heartbreaks etc…and murder, and vampires. And well angel – human forbidden romances, what can I say I'm predictable. But books with happy endings mind you. Life is so tragic as is I don't want none of that shit in my books as well. So a heist in a fantasy world, with a crazy group of misfits, that may or may not pull it off? Sign me up for that. I'll admit though in the begining it takes a little while for the story to really take off, but I get it's the story / character building so it's okay, it might turn off some readers though. But you guys look at it this way, even in the bedroom you need some foreplay before you go to town…

And what I wasn't too happy about was the cliff ending closure. Like. I do NOT like cliff hangers. This time I'm looking at you The Witcher season 2. I mean fine at least I already have part two but what if you're waiting on it for like…years? I mean I suck at this, the story will keep eating at me and drive me crazy. No closure is something I'm really bad at. Call it personal trauma like Kaz' but really…not my fave thing in the world. Good thing though that this cliff hanger isn't enough to ruin the book for me. Lol. I still love it.  

Completely unrelated but why are so many reviews these days a bunch of people yapping on youtube? Do people honestly watch that? Ridiculous. Everyone wanna be a vlogger or ''influencer'' these days. What a dumb word btw. Actually what a dumb concept. Like anyone really cares what Karen had for breakfast this morning or how she ran out of her favourite shampoo. Sorry, I can't wrap my head around the fact how can you take them seriously. Or how can you watch them. Or worse let yourself be influenced by them…so strange. 

Why.Am.I.Constantly.Carried.Away.In.This.Review? Maybe because like a cat avoiding hot porridge, I'm avoiding the topic of Matthias. My sweet baby angel, who was taught to hate all his life but learned to love. Please stab me in the heart because it will hurt less. This whole enemies to lovers thing? I'm a thirsty bitch for it. And after all this growth and development and love…? You get part two of the duology and well…those of you that know know, the rest of you…well I aint breaking your heart. Read the book. With caution though. It hurts.

I'm going to stop rambling and I'll share some of my favourite quotes instead. They're fun and my jumbled mind might manage that better then bullshitting my way trough the story and butchering this review, to simplify all the raving…I love the book, you should read it. 

''Many boys will bring you flowers. But someday you'll meet a boy who will learn your favorite flower, your favorite song, your favorite sweet. And even if he is too poor to give you any of them, it won't matter because he will have taken the time to know you as no one else does. Only that boy earns your heart.''

''Kaz leaned back. ''What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?''

''Knife to the throat?'' asked Inej.

''Gun to the back?'' said Jesper.

''Poison in his cup?'' suggested Nina.

''You're all horrible'' said Matthias'' 

''I will have you without armor, Kaz Brekker. Or I will not have you at all.''

''When everyone knows you're a monster, you needn't waste time doing every monstrous thing.''

''Brick by brick, I will destroy you.''

One of the best quotes might be this one though;

'' ''They fear as I once feared you'' he said. ''As you once feared me. We are all someone's monster, Nina.'' ''

This is something Matthias says to Nina and when you think about it it's so true for non fantasy world. Matthias and Nina both grew up with their countries at war, both raised with prejudices and hatred bred towards each other and the significant part of it is the truth of it, no matter what you do, you will always be someone's monster. Someone will always believe you to be in the wrong. And the important part is that as this part of the book goes on Matthias tells Nina that she taught him to be something better, which shows us that he went from the hatred he was taught to believe in to seeing the truth. Opening his eyes and seeing the truth, let love win. It's beautiful once you think about it. 

And my absolutely favorite quote because I'm a sappy Italian romantic bitch; 

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together, knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.'' 

Now to end this post…and probably throwing myself into more sadness. Like I need more sadness in my life huh? Today would of been Michael Hutchences' birthday. And that always makes me sad. Do me a favor, play a little INXS for him today. And also the sudden death of the French actor Gaspard Ulliel, god…I can't. He was so talented, and such  a bright light. It's just sad you guys. And it stabs me in the heart each morning when I wake up and see a picture of him in a Chanel commercial on my wall. Sigh. Rest in peace love. 

I think that's it. I think I need to stop playing with madness and shut up, y'all enjoy the rest of the weekend and stay strong on another dreadful Monday. Cheers. Bonus tho if you made it this far, a doodle of Mr. Kaz Brekker. If you read the book or maybe a little bit from this post as well, you'll understand why he's literally me. Or I him. 

“There is no ideal world for you to wait around for. The world is always just what it is now, and it's up to you how you respond to it.”

How is today another Monday? Are we still doing Mondays? I mean is that still a thing? And also why? What a dumb idea tbh. Had a nice chat today with the mail man, he (again) complimented my makeup that I pretty much only put on for him these days. Have I seriously came to a point where getting mail is an ''event''? Looks like it. I feel like a zoo animal when the mail comes, like the zoo keeper just put a new toy in my enclosure. Fun times. I need to start putting high heels on when I pick up mail too, because you know, they make everything an event. Maybe a feathery boa. Or that perfect little black dress. Hm. Last week I shocked the poor delivery guy with a silky black see through robe with furry sleeve ends and collar. There he is bringing some Harley parts trying not to stare at my tits while I lean on the door, cat in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other. I think shocking the mailman might be my favourite (and only) fun pass time activity these days. What is that new song Robbie Williams sings?

''Oh these are strange days, in many strange ways, science fiction I believe, has become reality.''

Yeah something like that Robbie. Something like that. 

In other news, have you guys seen the new photoshoot Keanu Reeves did for Esquire magazine? Oh my god you guys, I'm not okay. That man is like a fine whiskey, the older the better. I died a little bit not going to lie. Holy hell. There's a pretty good long article that goes with the photos too (like he wanna join the MCU? Are you serious?! Do you really want me to die?). Not that I read the entire thing yet. The pictures are far too distracting. He's the only one I'd marry in a heartbeat no questions asked all he'd have to do is say the words. Ke if you're reading, I'm still waiting ;) 

Now before this spins out of control again, my insane ramblings…I'm here for the book review I promised and I'm so excited because this book is what one of my favourite movies is based upon and while I saw the movie at least 30 times by now I never read the book before. Gasp. I know, I know don't say it. But really, I didn't read it beacuse getting stuff in this country is impossible. I wonder everyday how is it possible that we have color tv. But since by some miracle I finally got my hands on my very own copy I jumped at it and finished it in a day. Obviously. 

( Warm Bodies / Isaac Marion / Zombie Romance / Supernatural themes / slight violence)

Okay y'all know  that the Italian in me is strong. The love for everything Italian and Italy itself is undying and I'm clearly a hopless romantic though it does not look like it in my ''tough'' outer appearance. Trust me though, I absolutely melt at cheesy, stupidly romantic things, except V-day, that one I still despise. So obviously I prefer romantic books, but like with a twist, either supernatural romance or impossible romance with a happy end. The usual wnb erotica and simmilar crap that women seem to fawn over (cough 50 shades cough) makes me physically ill. Not because of sex, everyone loves a good NSFW part of a book but the writing is just so bad it makes me want to roll my eyes all the way into my skull and not in a good way *wink wink*. Pick up a damn Hemingway novel like Farewell to arms and learn what a true love story really is. Spoiler alert 50 shades is not love but rather 50 shades of abuse. 

Back to Warm bodies. I fucking adore this story. Not because it's got everything I love, supernatural elements and romance but because it depicts such a great picture of humanity. Not the ugly side that we all see now in a wnb apocalipse where people fight in stores over toilet paper. Sigh. Speaking of, anyone got an idea yet about why the fuck people hoard toilet paper? If you do, please leave me a comment below, I'm dying to know. But no, the picture of humanity this story shows is that humans are in fact born out of love and can also be reborn out of it too. Kindness, courage, empathy and love are the only way to heal a sick society because it's the only thing that makes us human, the only thing that separates us from beasts. 

Straight from the start this book is not at all what I expected. It's nothing like the movie at all. In most cases books and movies are nothing alike sure, but these two are really different.  Things that happen in the book don't happen in the movie at all and vice versa. What matters though is that they both have a happy ending, if the book per say would be different and tragic, I'd set this whole world on fire. No joke. 

I love Isaacs (I keep want to write Oscar, shows you just where my mind is, with a sexy latino) smooth writing. From the point of view of ''R'' the zombie he starts the book with '' I am dead , but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it''.  Just a short straight to the point couple of lines that explain what it's like to be a zombie. To live in an eternal state of apathy, not really alive but not dead either, just existing. This also shows you why I keep saying we are currently in a zombie apocalypse. We're not really alive, we're just breathing, waiting, passive. Not really alive. 

R doesn't remember his name no more, rarely someone does, but he talks about his life in a cronological order, articulate and thoughtful. I mean I haven't met a zombie yet but this level of selfawareness would surprise me. So it's not really shocking that we learn along the way that R is different and that little bright light of hope. Hope for humanity. But that little light still needs a spark to shine bright. And of course since this is essentially a love story, where oh where can we find that spark? In a girl. Julie. Think of her as the first splash of color in a permanently gray world. I love how their names are R and Julie. You know Romeo and Juliet. Cue in Dire Straits playing in my head. I love that song. Also R's friend ''M''? A homage to Mercutio perhaps? There's a cheesy balcony scene as well to make things even more perfect. 

What I love so much is the progress of the story, each page you turn, the more human R becomes. He grows and glows with Julie's presence. Literally he grows with love and isn't that what's it supposed to be like? Love making us the best version of ourselves? Making us grow? The romantic in me wants to believe that's what it should be like. I still want to believe in love and magic despite the fact that the world keeps proving me I'm delusional. It's not a typical love story mind you, emotions are not as strong on every page as you'd imagine in a regular love story but it's more than obvious that love is the driving force and love is what makes it all worth while in the end. 

In theory this book is the most unique work of fiction I've read in a while. The whole post apocalypse survival isn't that odd of course but the first person narrative being a zombie is a first for me. Never mind a philosopher zombie, questioning all those why are we here, and life purpose kinda questions. And though he has all these questions, and though he can't use enough words to actually voice his thoughts, there is nobody around that would actually care. I felt that. More often than not I feel the same way, like people just don't care about what I have to say, or what I'm thinking, or what I'm feeling. Another thing I can relate to is the fact that R hoards little artifacts he picks up on his trips to the city. Mostly vinyl though. Now tell me that aint me lol. What I think though that while I hoard little things, things that remind me of good memories, some bad too (aren't I sadistic) I think R does it to keep him close to whatever little piece of humanity is left in him. 

The ''love'' story actually starts off pretty grusome, with R eating Perry's brains, Perry who just so happens to be Julie's boyfriend. I don't know if this is a general zombie thing but they say in this book that zombies eat brains because they see human memories, they're the only thing making them feel alive. It makes sense don't you think? Though I also honestly thing that with half of this worlds population zombies would starve but let's leave that aside for now. Imagine that learning about a girl from eating her boyfriends brain. I mean I heard of some pretty unusual dating techniques but this one might take the spot for the strangest lol. So from seeing Julie and from learning about her this way R decides she's not food but to be protected ''keep you safe''. Cute. 

While R feels guilty about killing Perry we learn from the book that everything is not what it looks like when it comes to Perry, who keeps on living through R and his memories. So from here on Julie and R walk on this path together, trying to discover what Julie stirred in R, why is he changing, and if these changes in him could be transferred to other zombies as well. I keep telling you guys, only love will heal the world. Nothing else. Love is the cure. But of course when were things ever as easy? Never. Of course the odds are stacked against them and of course everything that could go wrong essentially will also go wrong. Including with the meddling of Julie's crazy father. There's always gotta be a crazy someone ruining a love story huh? Humans really do destroy everything beautiful. 

I'm not going to go into the details of the entire ''crazy'' that happens to R and Julie along the way because then I might as well write down the entire book. But what I will tell you is things I learned from R. 

- Humans are absolutely scarier than zombies. Worst kind of animals that will destroy everything good left in the world. 

- It's most definately not our words but our actions that speak about who we are. Words are just words. Mostly overrated anyways.

- A name is just a bunch of letters, put together they form a word, pulled apart they're nothing. A name is a name, it's meaningless in the bigger picture because people usually don't remember you by your name but by what makes you you. Your actions, your beliefs, your identity. 

- Sometimes life goes up, sometimes life goes down, like an elevator. And sometimes the power goes out and you're stuck. 

- Sometimes having a brain makes a huge difference. Unless of course you ate your last piece then you're fucked. 

- Humans absolutely need that connection. Love is what jump starts R's heart and starts the healing process. We all need that someone that understands us and loves us like we deserve to be loved.

- Never underestimate the power of the perfect song that can say so much more than words ever could.

- And most important, never judge a book by it's cover. Sure, R is a zombie but that doesn't mean he'll rip your head off at the first chance he gets. People are rarely what you imagine and expect, why should zombies be any different? 

Maybe this book hits different in current times. Maybe we're all living in a zombie apocalypse only our zombies are alive, the dead part is only the humane part in us. Maybe we let it get this far by letting ourselves be controled and governed by things that never should play a part in our lives in the first place. Maybe that's why we're no longer human, just chasing things we'll never get, things that essentially don't even exist. 

Actually I picked up this book (well movie first but you get the point) looking for a little break of the typical vampire – human romance but what I found was a different kind of love. Love for a story that seems superficial but it's really deep with it's offering of a view on life. How if could be. How it is. And things that matter most, all those beautiful fragile things that we should fight to the death to preserve. All those little things that make us human, things that essentially make life worth living. They seem far and few but honestly, they keep us going. 

I'd absolutely recommend this book to everyone who's into a little romance and a little gore. And those who aren't, well get on with the program. Lol. 

P.S. Here's a little bonus, the tiny doodle from the picture above, it's actually my favourite scene from the movie, it happens a little bit differently in the book but still. And while we're on the topic of the movie, just how dare you…how dare you make the zombie that attractive? Wtf. 

“Anger is what we feel when we're helpless.”

On November 19th 2015, I posted the lyrics of a Sixx: A.M. song…speaking of anyone knows what the band is up to these days? Do they still exist now that Nikki is playing Mountain man up in Wyoming? Which btw is about the smartest thing he did in his entire life. I'd do the same if I could. Now point, I posted the lyrics on the private blog, of a song that really spoke to me at the time;

''Paint yourself a picture of what you wish you looked like, maybe then they just might feel an ounce of your pain. Come into focus, step out of the shadows, it's a losing battle, there's no need to be ashamed. 'Cause they don't even know you all they see is scars, they don't see the angel, livin' in your heart. Let them find the real you buried deep within, let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin.''

I guess in 2015 I had a little hope. Hope for…I don't even really know. I don't know what I want. The ridiculous miss America ''what's the one thing you'd wish for?'' ''world peace''. Yes of course I want world peace but I was thinking about starting a bit closer to home. It's not trivial things I want, I honestly I only wish for happiness. And you know what's the dumbest thing? I don't really know what would make me happy because I don't really know what it feels like. Hm. Maybe it's not happiness I want maybe it's liberta. You know…freedom. And not the way David Hasselhoff is looking for it in his 89' hit single which as corny and cheesy as it is I actually love. No actual freedom, to live, create, feel, explore, just to be. You know what I mean? I guess if not before in the last months we all learned the meaning of it. 

You know I've been to several Holocaust memorials and museums. Museums that document and explain the genocide, the imprisonment, the loss of freedom, the murders…there's a museum in Berlin with a huge tree where you get to hang your wishes, hopes, opinions of the museum on the huge branches. I wrote two one of them being that I wish, hope, dream, pray that nothing even remotely as horrible ever happens again. I don't know what to think lately with governments  blatantly walking all over human rights, squashing freedom and ruining lives. It can't compare to the horrors of genocide obviously but it's a new and different type of horror which in itself is just as bad. 

I was in Auschwitz in 2009. I never posted these, nor did I take many…feels I don't know, feels wrong taking pictures of a place where so many people died. 

I always wanted to go, though it seems ridiculous wanting to see just what monstrosity human kind is capable of. My aunt didn't spend that much time there, nor did her sister, their mother on the other hand was there for three years and eventually died a little bit before the war ended. I didn't get much info from her, part of me understands because you live through such a thing you sure as hell won't be talking about it. And part of me is kinda angry, stories are dying with the survivers and I feel like each story deserves to be heard. Every victim deserves a voice. In those bits and pieces she told me about arriving in Auschwitz on the train, the screaming Nazi's the dogs barking, getting the tattooed number…she mentioned that the tattooist was kind. After reading the book ''The tattooist of Auschwitz'' I can understand why. She also told me about senior Nazi's she met, all those people from history, the monsters…we see them as…I don't know as what. But she saw them as real people. She told me that the ''Angel of death'' Dr. Mengele was in fact whistling and had children running around him all the time. A thought that makes your blood freeze over. 

The story I wish most for, to hear it in it's entirety was how were my aunt and her sister released. The command came on paper from Hitlers office, may or may not be signed by him and arranged by her cousin that was a mistress of a senior Nazi officer. That's the one story I wish I heard but never really got the chance, my aunt was too reluctant to tell me anything but that he was an important figure in the Nazi machinery and the typical aryan man that fits the ideology, blond and blue eyed. Couple of pieces fell into place when I recently discovered some mangled letters with some ''Reichmark'' coins, she wrote to her mother in Auschwitz, she talks about forced labor in them, somewhere in Germany, near Munich I think, she mentions how loud the bombing of Munich was heard where they were. 

It's really sobering how little things like an orange meant the world to them at the time. And it's sickening to think how human greed works these days. It's never enough. Anything and everything they have. It's never enough. 

Why am I rambling? In the stack of my ''to be read'' books I had Heather Morris' ''Cilka's Journey''. It's been there since my birthday last year since it was a gift and I thought it's about time I read it. Because you know nothing like regular depression, mixing with seasonal depression and add a dark book to that as well. Don't get me wrong the book is great, just maybe the timing to read it is off.

I loved Tattooist of Auschwitz, Lale Sokolov was an amazing man and reading his story felt like a privilege. This book however once again received a ton of negative critique. Saying it's innacurate that things happening to Cilka are lies. Apparently Cilkas stepson himself filed a lawsuit against Heather Morris. Sigh. I didn't see it this way. Though Cilka Klein is obviously a real person, and she was both in Auschwitz and in Russia imprisoned this is by no means a biography, it clearly says on the cover ''based on a heartbreaking true story''. Of course all the facts can not be correct since Cilka was no longer alive to confirm or deny them. But ask yourselves how many Cilka's are there? I didn't see this story as Cilka's biography, I saw this story as a description of horrifying events happening to women during the war. 

*spoilers ahead*

Cilka is first introduced in the Tattoist of Auschwitz, Lale called her the bravest person he knows. I think it was the curiosity of the readers that got Heather to write the story, we all wanted to know what happened to Cilka after the war and let me tell you something a Russian prison was not what I expected. 

Cilka was brought to Auschwitz when she was only 16, she talks about the long train journey there, or if you prefer it's written how the train ride there would look like since this book is a mix of historic facts and fiction. We have a museum downtown that has a converted train cart inside, all walls of the cart are covered in pictures, posters of what Nazi propaganda looked like, one has a prison uniform behind plexi glass. Best part though is that there's a huge red button on one of the walls, if you hit that button, lights go off and the floors start shaking as if you're really on a train. You hear German screaming, dogs barking, the light is flashing like it would through wooden planks of the cart. It gives you an idea how it felt like for the prisoners arriving in these essentially cargo trains. Nevermind the lack of food, water, sanitation…

In the book we learn that Cilka was selected in a line up by an SS officer. The SS officer apparently made her an ''funktionshaftling'' (them crazy Germans with their complicated words) or simply put a ''Kapo''. Kapo's were prisoner functionaries assigned by the SS guards to supervise forced labor or carry out administrative tasks. In return their lives in the camp were a little easier if one can call it that, they got certain privileges as civilian clothes and private rooms  as well as they were spared physical abuse and hard labor as long as they preformed their duties to the satisfaction of the SS. After the war though the term ''Kapo'' was used as an insult, Jewish chronicle said that it was the worst insult a Jew can give to another Jew. If I was deluded before thinking they were all just prisoners and didn't really understand the full extend of a Kapo this book cleared that mess up for me. 

Cilka talks about doing what she had to do to survive. None of us really know what we would do in her situation so judging her or any other woman in her shoes is completely ridiculous. And she at least felt guilt and disgust and conflicted about what she was doing. Lets be honest people today do worse and not in fear of their life and get away with it just fine, probably sleep better at night than I do. What Cilka really did was act tough and cruel in order to spare the inmates from more cruelty that the SS would administer. I think the biggest issue with calling this book fiction was the fact that Cilka was Jewish and therefore no way a Nazi official would be with her. Uhm…how about Hitlers wife Eva Braun? It's kind of far fetched saying Cilka's story is untrue because a Nazi official wouldn't rape a Jewish woman. 

Now imagine that after all she went trough in her time in Auschwitz when she's finally free. Free in a way I know they didn't think they'll ever be, she is accused of collaborating with Nazi's and is sent to a Russian prison ''Gulag'' for fifteen years I think. She finds herself amongst political prisoners and other women imprisoned for ridiculous crimes you'd not think are even crimes.  The story follows what women had to deal with on a daily basis, hard labor in a coal mine, rape and beatings. A ''prize'' for induring war crimes, a ''prize'' for doing what you can to survive. I can't even imagine what that must be like. It's unbelievable how despite the cruel conditions, the inhumane treatment, prisoners showed kindness to each other. They helped each other. All I'm seeing today is humans but no humanity. If you lie injured in the streets, people will literally step over you. It's horrible. There's no kindness. There's no compassion. There's no love left. 

In the Russian prison Cilka befriends a doctor who employes her to help her, first with administrative work, then when she realises she's gifted and a fast learner, she's trained to be a nurse. It's as a nurse where she meets a fellow inmate that she's seen around camp, Alexandr (which is a character based on her husband) who she marries later after being released from prison. But of course Cilka being Cilka can't keep silent about certain things because she swore to herself she'll never be silent again which brings her all kinds of trouble. What exactly…well you'll have to read the book. I'm not spilling everything here. 

I think for me the most important thing about this book is to understand that Cilka was a real person, if that was the actual Cilka Klein or someone else is pretty much irrelevant. There were female prisoners that endured exactly what's written in the book, maybe my own family, that's a question that I'll probably never have answered.  So however you take this story you need to understand that the main elements are true, the horrors happening were true and more important than that it's not all a horror show, despite it all there were positives, courage, compassion and most importantly love. Something I'm missing in our far less cruel world. Cilka was released few years earlier when Khrushchev came to power. The story may end with Cilka and her husband going on to live a long life together back in Czech Republic – Kosice to be exact. But really the story is not of the camp or prison as such, the story is of survival, how she (or anyone like her) managed to survive thirteen years of hell.

The book ends with a quote by Morris that says ''Stories like Cilka's deserve to be told, she was just a girl, who became a woman, who was the bravest person Lale Sokolov ever met.''. All in all, I loved the book, the heartbreaking story of hope and survival, it puts things into perspective for you. It shows you how your daily struggles are really not that bad. It shows you that though it seems like it's the end of the world you really shouldn't whine and complain. It shows you what true strength really is. I can't imagine what the women in my own family had to endure and honestly I'm really proud that I  come from a line of such strong women. Women that survived and fought and never actually bowed down for nobody. And so I can't either. No matter how hard it gets, I need to be just as strong and carry on. Maybe alone. Maybe with people that think alike, but whichever way it goes I can't back down because I'd be a disappointment to them and that's far worse to me than anything else could be. 

Know that I loved you. Know that it was not enough.

Can I for a change instead of whining about my pathetic life, share a song recommendation with you? It's not a new song, it came out in 2017 but it's new to me because I haven't heard it yet. It's Marilyn Mansons ''God's gonna cut you down''. First thing don't try with the ''but he's an abuser / rapist'' bullshit thing with me because then I will cut you down. I am sick to death of cancel culture and second thing you may or may not know that this is originally Johnny Cash's song. Omfg I love it okay. It's amazing. The fact that I find Manson attractive and I nearly had an orgasm on the spot with that music video where he's fucking around with Johnny Depp aside this song is amazing, the voice and the creepy vibe is just…shit it's good ok. Go check it out. While we're at it, that music video with Johnny oh.my.god. Like really I'm fine just a little dead. Would literally kill to be in the middle with them, if only just for the music video. Abuse me papi all day long. Sigh. Wishful thinking. And my beliefs aside, everybody is inncent until proven guilty and the world and people and society shouldn't always just believe women, fact is they lie. Look at Amber Herd. Lying snake. But let's not get there right now, it's Monday, that's reason enough to be upset, I don't need more crap to add to my ''wonderful mood''. 

Now since Inktober took too much time I also didn't get to finish the last book in the Shadow and bone triology by Leigh Bardugo but after picking it up again it took me two hours to get through it. Got totally sucked in and couldn't put it down. So I'm writing down a quick review. I know y'all hate whining so something cheerfull or at least closest I can get to it instead. There will be spoilers below the photo so in case you haven't read the book, consider yourself warned and stop here. 

Alright so the back cover says ''the capital has fallen and the Darkling rules Ravka from his shadow throne''. We all established there's something wrong with me by now right? So obviously this is the best and only start you need to get me to pick up this book. Obviously I was team Darkling from the start, darkness is what pulls me in and it sure as fuck didn't help they casted Ben Barnes as the Darkling. Wtf? Are y'all crazy? How do you expect us not to like them when you make them THAT pretty? Impossible. 

Straight of the bat, people complain (they always do about every book I like) about character development. That it's lame, that Alina turns weak. But for me character development was great and Alina did not turn weak, to me she is strongest she could ever be, why? Because she chose! to sacrifice everything she loved to save people, her country, to get rid of the darkness forever, no matter the sacrifice and no matter the price. That is not weak, that's bloody heroic. 

Ruin and Rising being the third and final book in the Shadow and bone series I think it really goes out with a bang and makes you excited to read the spin off series. Obviously I have all of them already but too little time to read them all. Lol. Particularly excited for King of scars. I love me some pirate prince with a ridiculous charm about him. He reminds me of someone in my life, ridiculously handsome and confident, always knows the right thing to say, always knows how to uplift people's spirits. Always perfect. Hey look at that, I don't only like the Darkling but also this light and bubbly prince. Cute. Tho in Ruin and Rising there's a brief moment when he goes pretty dark…maybe that's what convinced me. Hah. 

Serious more huge spoilers follow that will ruin the book for you, last warning to turn away.

In touch with my dark side I kept hoping there's an ending for Alina and the Darkling. Darklina? Light vs. darkness? I would love to see that story unfold, I would love to see how it wouldn't be the traditional, light has to defeat darkness but light and dark ruling together, balancing each other out. Instead of letting Alina get corrupted she brings out what's the best in the Darkling. That would actually be a great plot twist and also when the tv show comes to it I really don't want to watch Ben Barnes die lol. But instead we go for the cliche option (don't get me wrong it's still great, just predictable) nation waiting for salvation, the sun summoner broken and helpless, looking for a way to defeat the darkness. Defeat it with the third amplifier for her powers. The firebird. Well we all saw how well that turned out. I kept having this huntch when I started reading, the firebird is probably not a bird. It's a woman, it's an illusion, it's an idea. Well I was sorta right but I could never have anticipated that the ''firebird'' will ended up being Mal. Oh my god. That was shocking. Out of all people it had to be Mal. Just how cruel is that? You have to kill the ''creature'' to gain it's power to have the amplifier. Can you imagine Alina having to go into battle against the dark with Mals' bones around her wrist? Unimaginable. Which is where Alina strength shows, the fact that she was able to kill Mal to save her people. That's not weak. That's strong. 

I didn't expect the ''cruel'' joke played on her, I didn't expect Mal dying and her losing all her power. But I have to say the plot twist in which we learn that power amplified by hundreds is not in one person but in several hundred people. That is such a brilliant twist I can only applaud Leigh for it. My heart hurt for the Darkling. The heartbreak he felt when she turned ''common'' where their possible future was stripped away, when he realised he's all alone again. He was just a boy, burdened with too much power, missunderstood, alone. I can relate to too many of his problems and too many parts of him. This book also brought us the resolution of what is his real name!? Finally in another plot twist we learn it's ''Aleksander Morozova'' yes, as in Morozova's madness, Morozova's amplifiers. Thing is I expected him to be the actual Morozova not his grandson but okay. Not too shocking since they're ancient and immortal. 

I love love love this world inspired by Tsardom Russia. It's unique, there's not one fantasy world like it around. You know when picking up fantasy books with fantasy worlds you expect a Tolkien style world, elfs, dwarfs, hobbits or vampires and werewolves but you don't really expect a world inspired by Russia or Russian rulers. The flow of the book, story, story world is just amazing, it feels like it's Russian but it also feels like it's not, like it's new and different. Fantastic writing and imagination by Leigh once again. 

Another thing I love about character development here is that things are not black and white at all, bad guys can do good things and good guys can do bad things. Not everybody is perfect and not everything is always as it seems. Which is why I'm also pissed that Darkling dies. I just wanted to see him reach his full potential. Do good, be good, with Alina by his side. Sigh. But I know better than anyone that you can't force love if it isn't there. You can't force your heart to love someone if it pines and longs for another. Though it was hard staying team Darkling the entire time, some of the moments with Mal all but ripped my heart out…Mal has a way with words and their heartache is relatable;

''I would have been different too, without you. Weaker, reckless, afraid of the dark, but no matter who or what I was, I would have been yours.''

Sigh. Do you ever wonder, what you'd be like, without certain people? If things wouldn't happen like they did? If you didn't do the things you did, walk the paths you walked. If you were different. Would you be happier? Isn't this though all we want, a place to call our own and a person to call ours. Might be my hoplessly romantic Italian blood again but words such as ''I'm all yours'' will literally turn me into a puddle. 

I like Alina because it's easier to relate to her. As I said above, she is not perfect. Far from it. She does bad things too. She makes mistakes, which means that though people call her a saint, she's human. We need more of such heroes and heroines because nobody wants perfection, nobody wants picture perfect that can never do wrong. We want something we can relate to. At least I do. It may be fantasy I'm reading but even in that fantasy…people should be people. Inperfect, flawed, human. 

Which goes both ways, darkness is also relatable. It's so hard to hate the Darkling because he is relatable as well. We all love the bad boys don't we? We all love the evil in these characters (it's actually alarming how many of my faves are considered problematic or ''evil'') but I don't think that the Darkling is evil, as said above, he's just…missunderstood, he has good intentions I think. I think he really loved his country, I think he really wanted what's best for it, which is why I'm pissed the character development here ends with his death. I'd just want to see what it could be. Through the series it's a rollercoaster with him, first you're intrigued, then you're fascinated, and you're charmed, and you feel bad for him and you love him and then you hate him and then you're pissed off like I am. Maybe it's just the fact that loving darkness and evil is easier and cooler than being the good guy at all times. Who knows. But what I do know is that ''evil'' is much more complex, it has many more layers, it takes more understanding. You want to know what makes them tick, you want to peal back all their ''evil'' layers and see what made them, them. 

Maybe if Mal stayed dead there could be a ''Darklina'' conclussion but truth to be told if he was dead I'd also be pissed. Ha. I don't know I think I'd need an alternative ending because the ending that we got is perfect and I'd not change a single thing about it. Alternative one should be only for my love of the Darkling (god damn you Ben Barnes and your ridiculously charming face). I read reviews from readers that hated the ending. Hated Mal, hated him for ''only showing interest in Alina when she liked someone else''. Did he really? I didn't see it that way. I think he did always love her just never had the guts to fess up. Come on, lets be honest. How many of us do actually have the balls to tell our best friends we love them? I don't know such a person. Second reason to hate Mal was an overly feministic way of looking at things ''girls you need to give up everything to be with your man''. As in Alina gave her power away and stayed with him. How stupid is that? And what kinda idiot writes that? One that clearly didn't understand the book at all. Alina didn't sacrifice her power for Mal, she literally sacrificed Mal to save her world. How is that giving up anything for love? It's sacrificing love for everything. It's poetic and beautiful really, in a time when men wont even sacrifice the remote for you when there's a sporting event going on. Sigh. Another dumb thing was people saying the book is teaching girls to not be extraordinary, to be ordinary and common because that will bring them a happy ending. That's another dumb comment and I can't relate. I'm more than certain Mal would of loved extraordinary Alina non the less. I think the only real issue here was the fact that Alina's power was tearing them apart, people's expectations of her, and people's placement of him. It wasn't him, it was everyone around them, pulling them apart. 

Don't get me wrong I'm still a complete simp (look at that yo girl learned a new word) for the Darkling but I actually found myself loving the ending. True love wins. Always. Right? The book ends with the line ''they had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things, if love can ever be called that''. Oh be  still my beating heart. Beautiful conclussion to this story, and also bitter sweet. Alina says in the book ''I have loved you all my life Mal, there is no end to our story.'' I wish there'd be no end to the actual story, I'd wish for a few more books, I hope there's at least some ''guest staring'' in the ones I have yet to read. But all good things must end right? Well except Motley Crue. Lol. 

What I also love about this particular edition is that there's bonus material at the end. You have a Darkling prequel story titled ''The Demon in the Wood''. I wasn't particularly impressed with it but you know there's never enough of him (seriously Leigh how about you do a ''Mr. Gray'' and put out a book from his point of view? Omfg I would so love that!). This short story talks about the Darkling being just a lonely boy, before he became the Darkling. I think it's a good point of view for those that are not really team Darkling and for those that wish to understand. To see into him, to see what made him the ruthless and powerful leader that he was. To the rest of us it's just another thing to break our hearts. If you look at him purely as the most poweful Grisha, as a fierce leader, as evil, this will make you feel empathy and hurt, for him. Things really never are black and white. Shut up. I love him so much. It's not his fault after all, because how can you run from what's inside you? You can't. sooner or later you'll end up dead. I am trash for evil and villains and I would sell my soul for a whole book of the Darkling. Seriously. Just make it happen. Please. I beg you. What we learn from this tragic novella is that the Darkling or Eryk as he's called then is hunted like an animal. Hunter by children hungry for power. What it teaches us people's greed and hunger for power. It teaches us it's never enough and people will literally walk over bodies to get what they feel they deserve. Yes, the Darklings evilness definitely is a product of his environment. However cruel he is, he is because of the cruel environment that made him that way.

And you know what's funny? I don't usually read these bonus material things or previews into part two or whatever it is that people shove up at the end of the book but clearly this one peaked my interest right away. Darkling. My baby. Omfg did you know what they shot part of Narnia (which I only watched for Ben Barnes) right here, like few miles away from me? But Ben wasn't here. Sigh. So sad. I could do with some drooling over his perfect face. Lol. Oh fangirling aside, he did a movie ''Dorian Gray'', I take it we all know the story? Well I really liked his take on the story so y'all might wanna check it out. Ohhhh I need a book so bad. Dorian Gray. Just got a new Monte Cristo (so in love with it omfg) and apparently same series has Dorian Gray too. Want! 

I just made this ridiculously long. Excuse my ranting, I have too much time on my hands while trying to remove endless pictures off my phone. God damn lack of space. Do phone creators know that deleting pictures of Henry off my phone is like murdering off my children? Wtf? I need endless space. Think about that. Now before this becomes any longer and unbearable…my fellow Grisha verse fans…who are we thinking as Nikolai Lantsov in the tv series? Overly excited about that. I have like three in mind, one being Armie Hammer the obvious choice for me, the ridiculous charm in that daft Disney movie kills me each time I watch it. Or Dacre Montgomery. He killed the whole sexy long haired thing in Stranger things (Billy better be back in new season! Idk how but I just want him back) or OR Douglas Booth. Can you just imagine that? 

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a ''Ben Barnes reads thirst tweets'' video waiting for my full undivided attention. Just know if he read any of mine…well y'all will probably hear me scream. Cheers, lovelies, have a great week. 

P.S. Never doubt where my loyalties lie…(this is just above my desk).

What you must understand about me is that I am a deeply unhappy person.

It's been a long week and an even longer weekend you guys. Spent most of it sleeping on the cold tiles of my bathroom floor. Can't remember last time I ever felt this sick. And to make matters worse, it's now official, I just cancelled my hotel reservation. I was supposed to get the fuck out of this town for a few days starting next week and now I'm trapped here like a caged animal. There are no words expressing my anger and depression especially when the hotel is still in this country, I wasn't even going to cross the border. I am beyond mad, disappointed and literally just spiraling because I hate this place, utterly hate it, and my only release was leaving it for a few days each year and that's something I haven't been able to do for far too long. There really is nothing more that I could possibly lose this year is there? Can someone give me some idea, time frame, when will the world be normal again? If ever? Because if the reply to that is never then someone please send some arsenic my way because this is not a place or a world I want to live in and this prolonged suffering is pointless.

I went back to re reading a book I love, like I said I just can't commit to new books these days, so I go back to what I know. To what is home. So that's what this is about a book I think is a new modern classic. Or should be anyways. (Spoilers below the pics, consider yourself warned).

I loved John Green before it was ''cool'' to like him, you know with ''The fault in our stars'' which to this day I wonder what just WHAT made John write something so depressing. But then again mostly his books aren't particularly happy. Reading tip? I think my favourite by him is ''Will Grayson, Will Grayson''.

''Turtles all the way down'' is just the same. Not particularly happy I mean. It's basically a story about mental illness (aren't we all right at home there?) and a backdrop of mystery. You know how it goes you got romance, friendship, love and loss. You guys know what turtles all the way down means right? It's an expression of the problem of infinite regress. The saying alludes to the mythological idea of a World Turtle that supports a flat Earth on it's back. 

I usually don't get books with hard covers, not many titles make it here with hard covers, nevermind dust jacket. I just love this design, black, with silver lettering on the spine and the embossed lizard on the front cover. And the ''limited edition'' dust jacket with the significant quotes on the inside is pretty cool too. 

What made me wonder though is the fact that the main person in this book is a teenager named Aza Holmes, all her other problems aside, she's an introvert (aren't we all?), obsessed with bacteria and transmission of disease. Now Aza is fictional, but I wonder just how many of Aza's are out there and how hard this constant brain washing of wash your hands, wear your mask, don't leave your house must be for them. It's driving me insane and I don't have Aza's OCD. 

Wait stop! Didn't John just release a new book? Something about some essays or combined essays or something like that? I remember reading about it. Need to look that up and order it because I don't expect it to show up in bookstores in this third world country. I swear. I fucking swear color tv is a miracle. 

Now back to Aza. I was shocked to read about her OCD and how bad it can be, there was a point where she actually drinks hand disinfectant. (Which reminds me of a brand new bottle sitting on my desk ready to be packed. Oh wait, I aint going nowhere. Ugh). The story centers around Aza and her best friend Daisy who decides to investigate the mystery of a missing billionare Russell Pickett whose son Aza went to camp with years before. As they begin to dig into this weird disappearance, Aza reconnects with said son, Davis. Russell went missing under a cloud of fraud and bribery accusations and a 100 000 dollar reward. I mean honestly, who wouldn't want to ''play this kinda game''?

John once said that this is his most personal book. Researching and diving into the world of mental illness which is a major theme in this book but also he was very descriptive, relatable and quite graphic, the way you can read about Aza's thoughts processing and spiraling is really on point and for those that have experience will know it's very realistic. What I like about that though is that it's not romanticized as so many authors like to do, no kissing scars is not cute. Mental illness is ugly and that's what John captured so well, the bad, the ugly, the bad to worse to better again. A rollercoaster as mental illnesses tend to be. 

There's a brilliant quote in this book;

''I wanted to tell her that I was getting better because that was supposed to be the narrative of illness: It was a hurdle you jumped over or a battle you won. Illness is a story told in the past tense.''

It's true aint it? People rarely say I have cancer or depression, but so many times you can hear ''I had…''. It should be normalised to a point where it's nothing embarrassing to talk about an illness. Especially a mental illness, you don't see cancer patients aplogising like you do those with depression. Honestly nobody wants it. We all want to be normal.

Now this is a fun thing. The embossed lizard is actually something called a Tuatara. I honestly never heard of them before this book but it would appear it's a rare type of a reptile found only in New Zealand, they are supposed to be the only and last survivors of an order of reptiles that lived in the age of the dinosaurs. So to be fair, that's pretty damn badass. Living dinosaurs. Fun fact I actually love lizards, they're too cute, all kinds from tiny ones to those huge Comodo dragons. So why is the lizard on the front cover? Early in the search for the missing money man Aza develops a crush on his son Davis. That was a little predictable to me but not in an annoying kinda way. Davis is an interesting character, someone with excessive privileges, you know obviously money, huge house with a cinema, swimming pool etc but yet troubled with his own problems. I keep saying money doesn't buy you happiness. It buys you concert tickets and shoes which is close enough but that's not real happiness. So money aside Davis is troubled with the loss of his mother and of course his father disappearing, and this is where the lizard comes in, if said father is dead all his fortune will be left to the reptile. Can you imagine that? I keep saying pets ARE family but come on, leaving everything to a lizard and nothing to the only son (or in this case two sons)? That's just cruel.

It's the flow of the book that makes it really good. It's this sorta predictability, you know a billionare goes missing, he has a mansion that might hide a ton of secrets, then there's a murky river, and all kinds of clues that result into nothing. All that together makes it sorta predictable in which way this story goes. But here's the deal sometime in the middle you realise that despite looking like the point of the book is the mystery it's really not. It's about loss and love and friendship really, but above all it's about Aza's mental health. I actually find it refreshing how many books lately are about mental health and the LGBTQ. Cheers. I love it. 

I actually read somewhere, people complaining that is that they can't really relate to John Green's characters because they seem ''too grown up'' and just how stupid is that really? Shouldn't you be happy his characters aren't reduced into dumb kids? Shouldn't you want to read books where teenagers are credited for their inteligence and their problems aren't brushed aside but rather listened to?  Especially when it comes to mental health. I want to scream in frustration when people brush it off ''it's all in your head'' well yes, that's what's the problem with mental illness. It's in your head. Of course we should want to read books in which teenagers especially are taken seriously, their hopes, dreams, worries and fears taken seriously and listened to. Kids should always be listened to. 

I'm not giving away the ending, if you want to know if the billionare is found or not and all the rest of the questions, read the book, what I will tell you though is despite the humor in it, in theory this is a dark book, you don't really get a perfect happy ending that we all want at the end of a sad story. But what you do get is a very surprising ending and upon thinking, the perfect one for such a story. We are so used of those happy stories about someone that overcame an illness but here we don't get that we get, learning to live with it and by that with yourself and I think that's perfect.

Let me end this with another quote that I just love, probably because it's just as depressive as I feel most of the time;

''The problem with happy endings is that they're either not really happy, or not really endings, you know? In real life, some things get better and some things get worse. And then eventually you die.''

True. Maybe that's why I normally only read books with happy endings, because I know in real life they don't exist.