Runaway

Sometimes I don't know what to write about, or better yet as my family puts it what to complain about. That I'm going bankrupt because of cartridges? Do you know how expensive printing is these days? I have a photo printer, it's meant to print photography amongst other things and lately for school alone I used up three sets of god damn cartridges. I am honestly going to send them a bill one of these days. I'm not made of money. This is completly insane. I wouldn't even complain but the thing is they are literally having me copy text word per word out of my text book and print it out and that's that. Like you don't even have to be smart to pass school here, you just need to copy someone elses inteligence correct. Is this a joke? Honestly? I'm so done. SO done. And all those years of education and nobody teaches us to love ourselves and eachother and stop with the god damn hate and judgment and self loathing. Don't you think that's more important then I don't know fractions? Happier, healthier kids that grow up knowing how to love themselves and people around them? Kids that grow up into respectful adults, that are good, that don't know what backstabbing is, kids that help someone instead of pushing them down more. Guess my parents were right when they told me I'm basically a reincarnation of John Lennon. A dreamer. I dream of a world that can never happen. I am homesick for a place that doesn't exist, a place where I am happy, my heart is full, my body is loved and my soul understood. I am homesick for a feeling I never even had. A feeling of acceptance. I'm getting homesick for that thing that always made me feel like a trap. A white picket fence house, with a golden retriever and a prius parked outside. Truth do be told, my generation can't even afford a rent much less a house. I get so frustrated when older people shit on us how we're lazy, how we're stupid, how the system they grow up in was shit. Are you kidding me right now?! For real? You had free schools, free health care, you had rent or house payments maybe twenty bucks a month, you could go on vacation three times a year. Jobs were lined up after you finished school. You had every oppurtunity all you had to do was be willing to work. And what do we have? Nothing. Schools are too expensive, health care is too expensive, house or apartment you may as well forget about it. Vacation? Yeah with my finger across the map and that's it. A job? Haha that's funny. Why are we obsessed with phones - social media? It's a cheap way to ''hang out'' with your friends, most of us don't have the time or money to actually go out. You work all day and for what? Surely not to have some benefits from it. Obession with food? That was a good one. Of course we're obssesed with Nutella and pizza and beer it's the last bit of comfort we can afford, anything else? Not an option. You give us crap for not wanting children. Well for crying out loud we can't afford children. Why have kids if you can't even pay rent? For fuck sake. Why do I draw or have any other weird hobbies? Well isn't it obvious? Trying to make money and save money any way I can. Cynicism, anxiety, depression...hah we literally have to take up group fundraising collections for things like emergency expenses, health care, rent, house - car payments. Truth is we're all broke and it's driving us insane. So couple of years ago selfie was named as the word of the year and everyone threw a fit how it's the death of english language, because you know god forbid modern terminology considered as valid. People consider the millenials as the most selfish , lazy, shallow and narcisstic generation. Selfish to a point where the fact that you feel good and take a selfie can sum up your entire selfishness. Aparently we are consumed with ourselves and everything always has to be about us. They say all we care about is us, facebook, instagram, partying, having fun, doing nothing with our lives. And I call this bullshit okay. Every year school tuitions go up by at least 2% if not more, these generations now have the highest depression and anxiety levels then any generation before us. Little less then 50% of us won't get a job for over a year after school and even then it doesn't mean it's going to be a good job. This generation is in average 47,000$ in debt. Which is beyond insane. Who created this debt? None od us did. What did I do, commit credit card fraud? Please...I find it beyond crazy that everyone of us is considered in debt. I read an article the other day, every baby that is born here is already 5000 euros in debt. I can't even begin to process this information. What's the baby's crime? Being born? Madness. Almost 100% of people in my generation have had, will have or are suffering from an eating disorder. Like are you crazy? How are we standing by letting this happen? Almost 60% of girls struggle with thinking that they are the wrong weight, that they need bigger breasts, tinier waist, narrower nose...and you know why? Because there is a multi million or even billion I don't know, industry out there that keeps force feeding us this crap. That we're not good enough, that we're not pretty enough, that we're not skinny enough, that we will never make it, that we're lazy and stupid, that we've got nothing to be stressed enough. Everything they have to say to be successful. They don't care about pushing all of us down for their own success. And it's disgusting. Here's what I have to say to all of that, fuck them, pick your favorite filter, take a million of selfies, pretty, funny, goofy, whatever kind of selfies you want, and post them anywhere you want to, post them all if you want, spam the people, because you deserve to feel good about yourself, to feel enough, to feel beautiful. You deserve it considering the times you grew up in. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be positive and stress free and have a job you actually like. You deserve vacation and traveling and you deserve your own house or apartment with a god damn dog and a fat cat sleeping at the edge of your bed. Seriously we all deserve a little breathing room because honestly I'm so tired and so stressed and I am so done being told how much better we have it now and how bad the system used to be. Don't start that with me, you can't win. I am beyond frustrated and beyond angry and the worst part? I really don't see the way out. This is just one more of those things about me that people just don't understand. I'm not bitter or angry, well maybe a little, but what I really am is hopless and lost and confused and tired. Which is why I always say that now the only people I care to be around are artists, people like me who see the bigger picture and people who have suffered, who hadn't had it easy, those people know what beauty is, that life goes beyond petty little things we worry about. Those people know grief and sorrow and hoplessness. Nobody else interests me anymore. I don't have time for people that are grown ups but aren't grown up. You know what I mean? Lacking maturity. I don't have time for ''teenage drama'' that's just not me. And there were too many people like that in my life but I take comfort in knowing that they're no longer around and I take comfort in knowing that they think they know me based on who I was and based on what they read but guess what? They're left with this version of me that doesn't exist anymore. She was happier yeah and probably more fun but she was also dumber and naiive and I am glad I am no longer like that. I am honestly happy that all they have is a distant memory because I've changed and grown and they wont get the chance to know the better me, this newer version of me I've become while they were away. And you know what? It's their loss. And most of all I am glad to be around people who when I call them upset don't tell me ''oh maybe I can come around later this week'' but come over with a baseball bat saying ''someone's gon' get it''. Don't dwell on people that don't matter, focus on those who do instead, you'll be a lot happier. And remember no matter what crap people are saying, what the magazine is telling you. You.are.enough. You are beautiful the way you are. You don't need a fake tan and big boobs and a tiny waist, people who love you, love you for who you are not what you look like, and if they don't...well honey, they aren't even worth your trouble.

This is so not the way I wanted this blog to go to today but I got carried away with my frustrations. There's plenty of those so don't worry I'll have enough to write about if you stick around. Enjoy your weekend guys, I'll see you on monday with a little music recommendation.

P.S. Let me just share this before I go, because I was giggling for good two minutes when I read it...

''Take me to art museums and make out with me.''

''But they said to not touch the masterpieces.''

''Well somebody’s gotta pin the artwork to the wall''