Eyes like a panther and lips like Satan.

God it's been another endless week and a weekend way too short. Anyone else feels like that? Where do I sign that we swap? Saturday and Sunday are work days but then Monday to Friday it's the weekend. Let a girl dream alright.

One of the hardest things in the past week was no doubt watching Notre Dame burning. I swear I felt my heart burning with that cathedral. As you probably all know, I'm an art student, I went to a private art school before I started studying where I am now and private art classes. I grew up with art all around me. Either musical or traditional. I've seen literally hundreds of museums and galleries and mostly churches, all over Italy, Poland, Spain, Austria, Germany,... with Berlin Dom being my absolute favourite one, but I never saw Notre Dame, ironically, despite it being Gothic and Gothic being my favourite art period. It's been a very long standing on going wish to see it someday, so watching it go up in flames and just the thought alone that I may never have the chance was horrible. It's a beautiful cathedral with such rich history and the fact that it was almost lost is a disaster.

It made me think though. There's so many things that I want to see someday, try, do, places to visit, and I keep saying I got time I'm still young, which may be true even though I'm not getting any younger, but do places and people still have time? In this vicious world we live in? Is there time for anything? I am starting to think there isn't. If there's something that excites you, makes you feel happy or alive, or just makes you wonder, then stop saying there's time and go do it. One of my bands once said in a song ''I'm just a moment so don't let me pass you by''. Stop wasting time waiting for that perfect moment, chances are it will never come.

Alright enough ramblings and back to what you actually want me to write about. Bands and music and fangirling and bands and NO End game spoilers or Game of thrones for that matter. But can I just say I loved the premiere?

Okay so here goes, playing this green monster as loud as it goes while I write this up....

Which I just now realised that it might not be the best thing, specially if my family happens to walk in right when Michael is singing ''Pussy aint free''. Happened before. Interesting experience not going to lie. Did you know that Steel Panther used to be called Metal Skool though? First time I heard about them, long fucking time ago, was while watching an episode of LA ink, where Michael gets a tattoo from Kat Von D (something I'm dying for btw, a tattoo by Kat, probably a portrait of Presley's mug shot not gonna lie hah).

Also did you know that I love this band? They're absurd, their lyrics are gross and sexist, that whole exaggerated ''hair metal'' persona they have on stage, let's not even start with their live shows or music videos. But shit I love them. Someone once told me ''don't take life too serious'' and that's just what this is, they're about fun. About having a good time, about not thinking too much. And under all the idiotic lyrics, guys, they are really good muscians.

I was after their first three albums Feel the steel, Balls out and All you can eat for the longest time, but go figure on Discogs they are ridiculously expensive. Their last album that I do own, I got in a small record store in our capital city. Imagine that. I was over the moon. That much more when I get home and open it and it's green! Green you guys. I freaked. I have a slight obsession with coloured vinyl and don't have enough of it at home to be fair. Note to self. Get more coloured vinyl. OH! Or like those with splatter pattern, Elvis has one of those…I have a problem I know, vinyl obsession is one thing, but coloured, patterned or even better special shape cut out. Yeah then I'm dead.

But let me get back to the point before I get totally carried away. Lower the Bar is the fourth studio album by the Panthers and it was originally supposed to come out on February 24, 2017, but was delayed for about a month due to either Lexxi being on rehab for his sex addiction...again or Stixx being on an rehab from drinking…again. Which to this day I'm still sure is all bullshit to promote their ''bad boy'' image. I doubt that they are THAT bad. I mean y'all watched The Dirt right? And if Vince Neil didn't have a sex addiction then these guys can't either.

The song I heard first, about ten years ago was ''Community property''. Watched a live video and spat out my drink when Michael starts singing and he sings one line, and the crowd sings the rest, a song that goes…

''I would give you the stars in the sky but they're too far away, If you were a hooker, you'd know I'd be happy to pay. If suddenly you were a guy, I'd be suddenly gay cause my heart belongs to you, my love is pure and true, my heart belongs to you but my cock is community property.''

At least they're honest right?

When you look pass their lyrics which is what I assume is the issue most people have with them, and you look at them as preformers you'll see that Michael Starr is the true embodiment of the 80's rock / metal bands. His vocals live are so strong and so SO on point, I'm quite certain that without him this band wouldn't be what it is today. There are not many singers that can sing like THAT. There used to be of course but there aren't today. Also Satchel, he's crazy underrated, but guys did you pay attention to any of his solos? Any one of them? He shreds that guitar almost effortlesly through all those hard riffs and solos. It's amazing, he fucks around 90% of the time with stupid and sometimes offensive jokes but when he plays he plays. And he does it damn well.

You know what I love about their live shows? They're filled with debauchery and comedy that has you laughing along. There's never a dull moment on stage, I mean there shouldn't be a dull moment on any concert but here there really won't be. It reminds me of All time low. Though ATL are really PG11 comparing to Panther yet they still got letters from parents which then Alex made fun of and read on stage. Good times.

Steel panther usually also do covers and oh my god have you seen them do ''Crazy train?'' Michael looked just like Ozzy, behaviour wise. It was wild! Impresonation so on point that even Ozzy would be confused. Of course the covers include all the biggest names in the 80's, Journey, Crue, Whitesnake,…I guess that's another thing I love about them. I always say I was born in the wrong era, that my heart actually belongs somewhere in the 80's, and this transportation back to that time through their music…heaven.

There were also two or three shows where they covered Guns N' Roses and Steven Adler joined them on stage. I freaked out. Would kill to be there. Now if you know me, or if you look to the right a bit below on this blog then you'll know I am a big Popcorn Adler fan. (long shot but Axe if you're reading, I am begging you, get Stevie back home.)

My point here is, before I get into the actual album that with these guys, don't let their crazy antics, colourfull language and debauchery trick you, these guys are world class musicians, their music is not just as easy as it sounds, covers aren't easy but they shred through them without a problem and all of them sound amazing, spot on just right, with a tiny flare of Steel Panther added to them and they are not simple songs, many musicians can't do it. A cover is never easy if you wanna do right by the original artist.

Now the actual album. It's as sleazy as the rest of them are, as politically incorrect, offensive, and fucking perfect. Guys I love sleazy eighties rock. Maybe in the 80's they were a bit more ''censored'' but then again Crue's All in the name of rock aint much better is it? Maybe not as direct at least.

I am obsessed with the song Poontang Boomerang. it's so stupid and so perfct at the same time. And it was also the name of the second guitar pedal which came after the critically acclaimed Pussy melter. Come on seriously people, why so uptight, it's just a joke. At the end of the day it's not the first guitar pedal with a dumb offensive name ( https://www.musicradar.com/news/guitars/10-outrageous-effects-pedals-584997 ) but this one set you off? Why?

This song though, Poontang Boomerang when the video came out guess where it premiered? Yep Pornhub. Total Panther style. I'm just gonna risk it here and say, don't listen to other people, this is a great song. They just don't get Steel Panther.

Generally, the critics will say that their first album was their best, and it's amazing no doubt. Asian hooker, Community property, Eyes of a panther, Death to all but metal, those are totally my jams! I love them all but I actually think this one might be it. The best one. Not only saying because it's on green vinyl but because I actually think it's a great record. Well written, even better played and the ballad ''That's when you came in and blew me (away)'' stop with the dirty thoughts! But that's a song that will have you  hum along, never mind the questioning lyrics. It gives me this Warrant Cherry pie vibe. They're nothing alike of course except that Cherry Pie (though hated by Jani Lane) was just the same yet their biggest hit. Why? Cuz it was and is fucking awesome. Who cares if it's a little dirty?

I feel like this album is a bit say refined, not at filthy as the rest of them were, more polished and more original in a way. It still has that strong 80's vibe but it's different, refresing. I can't type this down without giggling but come on ''Wasted too much time fucking you'', is a great break up song, it's straight forward yes but don't we all get the whole point of wasting time with someone who's not even worth it?

It was hard not knowing what you're getting into when the first single of the album is exclusively on Pornhub right? Which btw I think is a great idea. In a world where promotion is so full of it, we're tired of commercials badgering us everywhere we go and originality is pretty much dead at this point, well hell, nobody did this before. Props guys.

The production on this album is badass, it has both hard rock, ballad, rock n' roll, the 80's, modern rock sound. Listen to ''Going in the backdoor'' Michaels vocals on that are out of this world, nevermind the solos. The boys know how to create perfect songs to head bang to and party to.

And let's not forget the cover of ''She's tight'' which actually features Rob Zander which you probably know is the original lead singer and rythem guitarist of Cheap Trick, who I'm sure loved the song and the video and that silly tribute to Cheap trick on Michaels shirt ''Cheap slut''. I love you Michael.

Thing is when it comes to this band, you either get the joke or you don't. They are not a band you shoud disect and look for all the things you find wrong or offensive or sexist. They're a band that took glam metal to the total extremes making even Spinal Tap look stupid. They're ridiculous and a party band for those of us who get the joke. I think I read somewhere that the album acually has a warning ''you need an open mind to appreciate these tunes''. True.

Of course it's easier to put on some overly sappy Bon Jovi than ''Pussy aint free'' but you know...romance gets boring sometimes. In music and in the bedroom. Just saying. Women don't always want to be cuddled, sometimes they want to be thrown on the bed and ''worshipped''.

The song ''Now the fun starts'' was a shocking one as well, just what the band aimed for I suppose, it's a commentary on transsexuals and more specifically Caitlyn Jenner. Highly controversial and completely inappropriate lyrics but then again, topic aside, don't you miss more songs that would shock the public? In a good way? In a political way? Songs that would snap the people from the daze they're in? I sure do. A song as life changing as say Sam Cooke A change is gonna come, which he wrote as a protest song to support the civil rights movement in the United States. Or John Lennons Imagine which I believe needs no explanation.  Or maybe Sex Pistols God save the Queen which people still don't get. It's not about supporting or loving the Queen it's about rebelling against British politics, written when many young people felt alienated by the continued rule of the royal monarchy.

So in that same vein, don't you want music that shocks you, changes the world, changes your outlook on something, everything? I know Panther don't do that, obviously. Panther are here to party and honestly I can appreciate that too, we're all lacking fun, being carefree and forgetting about problems and stress in our lives. Don't say that aint true.

At the end of the day you can't ignore the respect that Steel Panther got within the music business, and the many writing and recording partnerships, like THE Corey Taylor and THE M. Shadows. They're my guilty pleasure that I can't resist. The album was actually sold with a tshirt and a beer mug on their website, surprisingly no dildos? Have Motley Crue beat them to that? Disappointing aint it?

Either way as they would say this album is totally bitchin and if you're into them then I know you love it, if you're not,…well I'm just going to say you're missing out but not that you should get it. I suppose for them that whole ''only for specific audience'' is more than true.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go dig through my closet, pretty sure there's supposed to be one of their shirts in there that says ''trEAT YOUR GIRL RIGHT'', that I stole from my friend.

Cheers, try to survive through this long week coming up and play some heavy shit, cuz you know how it goes ''death to all but metal''.

Start of something good.

I wrote this (link) post on November 17th, 2017, today I can't even remember what it could possibly be that was so bad back then. The past year has been hell to say the least. I know people say you walk into the storm and you walk out on the other end stronger, better, tougher…I guess my question here is, what if you don't walk out at all?

Nobody should live through what I lived through in the past year. Well earlier too but especially this year. I grew to hate commercials on tv, promoting warm weather and picnics with the family, I grew to hate all kinds of holidays with people stressing how this is supposed to be ''family time''. I grew to hate birthdays because they are supposed to be celebrated with your family. I grew to hate people because they are cold and vicious. And I grew to love musicians that much more because so many of them come from the same fucked up background as I do and they understand. And it feels good, being understood.

This post is not going to be dark though, this post is going to be naughty I think, a little bit at least, I'll edit the really juicy parts out so keep your panties on. It's a story many of my past readers, that know me a bit better, not just out of these posts, requested many times.  And I know you want the dirty PG -18 version but that one is private for a reason.

This is about the light in the darkness if you want to be poetic. There's my band boys, those I love pretty much above everything because nothing and I do mean nothing gives me as much comfort as they do. And the few friends that I can still trust and care about because I know they are my actual friends and won't stab me in the back as soon as I turn around, even if they are not all in the same country, hell some not even on the same continent, I still love them and care about them…

But mostly this is about a specific person in my life. About someone I love above all else. Someone who understands me, appreciates me, loves me for who I am, and doesn't give a flying fuck about all of the demons or hardships this love comes with.

Why I said this post is going to be naughty? Because of the way we met. That was…something your mother wouldn't want you to read even if you're over eighteen.  The full uncensored story is on my private blog, only open for a handful of people, I'm not a big fan of sharing private things with the entire world, maybe that's why I get zero hits these days…

There was a concert in Germany, Italy, Austria, hell I don't even remember, I think it was Austria, it was years back, I found myself there with my best friend, arguing, in the middle of a concert venue. The happiest place on earth and we argue. And don't ask me what about, I don't know, it had to be the dumbest thing on the planet. As most arguments usually are.

I know I told her that ''if that's what you think then I'm making this easy on you and leaving'' and I left. To the first bar to drink the sorrows away. As if that ever helped me. Or anyone for that matter.

I felt betrayed and angry and mad and hurt, someone I trusted more than anyone on this planet, with all my darkest secrets and this is how it was repaid. I learned later she was only a friend of mine to use me, for free concert tickets, events, meeting important people,…like I said people, they're all the same, only care about you as long as they have some sort of use for you. Clearly that is my issue, I was never able to treat people the same way they treated me. I was always too kind, too caring, to nice. Maybe that's why life treats me as it does.

I ended up contemplating the very same things in a bar just 20 meters from the concert venue. Small, dark, smoke filled hole but they were opened all night and served whiskey without wanting to see your ID. I was of legal age but didn't have it on me mind you. I probably threw down a few of those Jack on the rocks in seconds before the bar tender asked me if I had a rough night and gave me the next one for free. Alcohol doesn't solve problems but neither does water does it?

What happened next was straight out of a cheap Hollywood movie, like the Fangirl with Meg Ryan? Seen that one? I love it, obviously, since All time low are in it. But we all know how it goes, every fan girls dream, meeting her favourite star in a cafe downtown, bumping into them on the street, behind a concert venue…they meet, fall in love and the rest is history. As if. Did I ever dream of something of the sort happening to me? No, no I didn't. But then again this wasn't a ''star'' like say Nikki Sixx or Bruce Springsteen who I would have fainted in front of. Not even kidding. No he was from one of the bands that I loved but they weren't that well known, smaller support act on the festival.

He walked into that same bar, probably even angrier than I was sitting down behind the bar ordering that same whiskey on the rocks, hissing with anger. I guess that's the first moment I knew we were alike. Solving our issues with booze. Or making life harder with booze is more like it. You know what dragged me to him in the first place? Sure looks, let's be shallow, he's incredibly handsome, everything I love most, bright eyes and blond hair, we all know that's all I need to be dead on the floor. It was this feeling of calmness that washed over me when our eyes met.

Someone once told me a story about meeting his soul mate, he said it wasn't the person that made him nervous which is crazy because up to that point being near anyone that I even remotly liked made me crazy nervous, palm sweating, stomach in knots kinda nervous, but he said, he knew she was it when he met her and he felt calm, like he's at home. And that was what drew me to that same pissed off musician, I felt just that, like everything on the planet lined up and fell into place.

But here's the deal, I dreamt about marrying Jon Bon Jovi all through my teen years (who wouldn't though?) so I knew a musician taking any kind of interest into me was wild. Even if I sat there dressed like a total groupie. Call me crazy but I think that was actually the point. Dress up, show up, get drunk, get laid, quite rudely put. If I remember correctly I wore a skirt so short that when sitting down on a bar stool it didn't leave much to imagination and heels so high they should be illegal. Gods I was what barely twenty and about as dumb as those screaming Justin Bieber fans.

He sat down right next to me, in an entire bar, empty bar, save for one table in the far corner, he sits down next to me, literal shivers went up my spine when our hands accidentally brushed against each other. Our eyes met briefly and I felt like dying. Did I mention he has the most beautiful eyes? I know this is about to go into the direction of a crazy fan girls talk. But I can't help it. You know what's funny though? There he is in a white Kiss t shirt with Gene Simmons front and center, his huge tongue almost over the entire shirt and there I am, with my black Kiss crop top, full of holes because I'm pretty sure I once used it to clean a filter on a Harley. I was hipster before hipster was even a thing.

I think our conversation actually started with him saying that I look like I could use another drink. How about another bottle more like it? And the smile on his face…my god. it's not that it would make the sun look pathetic, it's that it would make the sun burn up and die. I think I replied to him that he looks like he could use another too and he mumbled something along the lines of ''you have no idea'' back. I don't even know how or when but suddenly we were a few more drinks in talking about music, life, art, love, our passions. Talking like we weren't strangers and he wasn't a rather famous rockstar, but just two regular people, friends, that bumped into eachother after a long time and are just here to catch up. I never felt like that with anyone, I don't trust people easily, I don't tell them things about me, but him…he was different, he listened, we could talk.

Nikki, note to self, don't get up in the middle of the conversation saying ''I need to pee'' specially if you're talking to a musician. Oh my god. Sometimes I would really need to learn how to filter myself. Sweet jesus. He thought it was adorable. I didn't. But it made him giggle so it was all worth it. Gosh what an adorable giggle. You know it's funny, we both walked into that bar angry, furious, needing to let off steam. And by the end of our conversation we were both laughing, relaxed, calm, happy.

He told me ''your secret is safe with me, my lady'' and walked to the bathroom with me, afraid I'd probably break my leg in ten different places in those high heels and the ammount of whiskey consumed. I don't remember drinking that much of it, not ever before, and not ever after. Seriously though who the hell wears almost 20 centimeters heels on a rock concert? Oh right, I do. Sometimes I wonder what in the world is wrong with me.

See that's what it is, as cliche as it gets, he's a gentleman walks with me to the bathroom and of course I did almost trip over my own feet…idiot. All he did was place his arms around my waist and I tell you I was done for. Done. I never felt like this in my entire life. I can't even describe it. It was wild. I tried to give him a snarky remark something along the lines of ''I can walk on my own'' but it got lost in translation. My god. He literally swept me off my feet.  While we walked through a very narrow and very dark hallway to where the bathrooms were I stopped and turned to say something to him but ended up colliding into him instead. All hell broke loose. See the thing is, whiskey just like tequila is Satans drink of choice. I don't know what came over me, lust, insane courage, something else? The fact that his Hugo Boss perfume made my head ever dizzier than Jack Daniels did? I don't even know.

So I took a chance and kissed him. Come on, which fan girl wouldn't do that? You got 50 – 50 % how that will turn out. I apologised said that I don't know what came over me and the next moment we were full on making out against the wall of a filthy bathroom. Most romantic place on the planet aint it. I don't know how it happened but his lips on mine, and hands all over I was done for. It was wild. Attraction, admiration, I don't know what it was. I swore I feel in love on the spot. Well at the time I assumed it was the endless ammounts of alcohol we both consumed. How wrong was I.

I could tell you in detail how our bathroom meeting continiued but in the words of Mamma mia ''we met, we kissed and dot dot dot'' you know. I said I'm editing the naughty bits out and I am. I was rather embarrassed of this for the longest time. Embarrassed of actually behaving like a cheap groupie. But there were moments, words spoken that were much more than just a quick hook up. Just kissing him wasn't like anything ever before. It was different. It was like I was high on some insane drug, it made my head spin and skin tingle. Ever felt that before?

We left the bar together, walked up to his bus to replace my shredded shirt, and he asks me if he can at least find out my name, I realised we talked about just about everything but we never told eachothers names. Well I knew his. And he asks me what are the chances to get my phone number to see me again. At the time I wasn't too keen on that. This could only go two ways, be a booty call whenever he's in town or falling in love with a rockstar that will never feel the same. So I thought anyways. So I tell him to flip a coin ''heads you get my number, tails you don't''. He was lucky, that stupid Italian one euro coin landed on the ground between us face up, Da Vinci's drawing pretty much glaring at me.

Would you believe that now, more than seven years later he still has that coin? With a hole pierced through it, on a chain, calls it his lucky talisman, because it changed his life completely. Probably the sappiest thing that I've ever heard. Straight out of a Hemingway novel. Such things don't happen to people like me, or to anyone really. This is only possible in movies. So I was bold reaching into his jeans pocket, punching my name and number into his phone, sun was already rising and it was about time I returned to my hotel. We said goodbye and I left. It wasn't even five minutes later when my phone rang and he tells me he misses me already. Oh my god.

It was around six in the morning when I walked into the hotel, hair a mess, makeup smeared and bite marks all over my neck and the receptionist couldn't stop giggling when I asked for the room key ''I take it the concert was good'' yeah. Yeah it was.

I couldn't imagine that all this would ever turn into what it is now. A relationship. A messed up, crazy, weird one but it's ours. We're both lovers and best friends and that means something in this crazy fucked up world we live in. I wanted to write this up today because it's a big day for him. He's about as nervous about it as I was when I met him for the first time (which I'm admiting here for the first time). But truth is, I couldn't be more proud of him than I am. He's an amazing musician, as he is an amazing human being, kind, caring, loving, always puts others first, and there isn't a thing he wouldn't do for his family and friends. Though he's human and worried about what comes next, my point here is, there's no reason for fear, sure the music he's releasing came from a bad period in his life, and the lyrics he wrote were born from tough situations but isn't heart break the best for lyrics? People want their hearts broken with songs.

Point is, things fell apart and his life was a complete mess but he didn't take the easy way out. He fought and picked himself up again. And to be honest there aren't many people I admire for it as much. He gives me strength and will to carry on. If he could do it so can I. I can get through this too. And at the end of the day I'm not alone. I have the best support system I could have. Someone that's been through hell and back and came out a stronger, better, kinder person. A hero.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware...

''What’s the worst thing I’ve stolen? Probably little pieces of other people’s lives. Where I’ve either wasted their time or hurt them in some way. That’s the worst thing you can steal, the time of other people. You just can’t get that back.''

- Chester Bennington

He's right aint he? That's something he can never get back. As is the time you've wasted on people that weren't worth your time, your attention, your love. It's crazy how we function. Like that one line says ''we accept the love we think we deserve''...

But Chester didn't steal our time. Only another part of us we'll never get back. Our love, affection, a piece of our hearts...

I won't ever be able to explain this, it's a different kind of love, different kind of affection. I can't explain it to people that never felt it, why almost two years later I still miss him, it still hurts, it still sucks. And I'm pretty sure this won't ever change. I will always love him, I'll always miss him. Like a best friend. Like a part of me I won't ever get back. Thing is, things happened in my life that had my heart shattered into pieces so tiny they could pass through a hole in a needle, and then losing one of my biggest heroes, a man who's words and music I grew up with, a man who made me feel like I'm not alone and like I'm strong enough to keep going even when all I really wanted was to give up...well that felt like a freezing wind blowing over and taking those tiny pieces with it.

It hurts. It's not fair. And it's just like losing any other person that I knew personally, since people so love to use the line ''but you didn't even know him''. Who the hell cares if I knew him or if I didn't. His music was very personal, very honest, in a way we all knew him. In a way he exposed his darkest thoughts with us. And to be quite honest, even in the shape and form he was present in my life, he did more for me than most other people did. He was a better friend than most my friends were.

It's something else entirely, putting an album on, letting it play, losing yourself in the lyrics and just knowing, there's at least one person out there that understands 100% just how hard some things are, how impossible picking yourself up from the ground is and just how hard it is to move on after being completely defeated.

What's missing is not just an amazing musician and an amazing person, but also an amazing teacher who taught us all how to be fearless, how to be passionate about whatever the hell we love doing even if the entire world thinks it's stupid. He taught us that struggles don't define your life, and that just because someone's are harder that doesn't mean yours are any less important. And the most important lesson he gave us? Love. How important it is to love each other. How important it is to spread love, how love can defeat hate. In one of his last shows, he talked about the tragedy in Manchester, he said;

''Real quick, before we get into this next song, I've come down there and sang with all my friends. I just want to make sure before we leave and go back home, that we pay our respect and share some of our love and our prayers for the families and the victims of the tragedy at the Manchester Arena. My heart has never been broken so much, until the day I found out that that tragedy happened. And since that day I've been wearing these little earrings with the bees in 'em, I know that’s a symbol of strength and hope in the city of Manchester. And I'm gonna keep these in, I'm gonna keep these in, until all this nonsense stops and we can start loving each other, we can stop hurting each other, because we believe in something different, than the person standing next to us. The one thing that can’t be defeated is love, right? You can conquer hate by ignoring it, you can destroy it by loving the person next to you. So I want everybody here tonight to look at the person standing next to you and just tell 'em that you love 'em and you are happy that they're here with you tonight, having a good time. Listening to music. Celebrating life. We don't care what you look like, we don't care where you come from, we don't care what you believe in. We love every single one of you out there, and nothing will ever change that. With that said, let's sing some songs together.''

These are words to live by. We tell each other how we feel too little. We hate too much and not love enough. We let our pride and fear cloud our real emotions. Telling someone you love them, care about them, compliment them, it's such a small thing to do, and it feels like it's nothing, but, not only you don't really know how many more chances to do just that you have, it's a small thing that might change someone's day, hell life. Someone might be going through a really rough day, rough patch, and a nice word is more than uplifting.

Funny thing is, he wouldn't even want us to feel this way, to feel sad each time their song comes on the radio, to feel broken watching their videos. But I can't help it, there won't ever be a day when I can look at them and be okay with it, a day when it won't make me sad...when their last album came out, I wasn't really convinced, never gave it a real chance to be fair. Never fully listened. It was so different and I suppose I loved the old Linkin Park too much. So when they came close enough on tour for me to go, I said to myself, I've already seen them so I'm just going to catch them on their next tour with another album. And now, I doubt there's many things in my life that I will regeret as much.

Later when I let myself truly listen to ''One more light'' I realised how much I loved it. Every single song on it. They are perfect. They sound different yes but they are perfect non the less. Songs like One more light, Heavy which is mostly misunderstood, it's not depressing it's uplifting, Good goodbye, Nobody can save me, Battle Symphony...they seem to all make sense now, and they're honestly hard to listen to. Maybe we didn't notice before, but now they feel like a cry for help, and I just can't help but wonder...what if? Was there something we could of done? Unlikely I know...but just...I wish somebody could help him.

''Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored? Can I help you not to hurt anymore? We saw brilliance when the world was asleep, there are things that we can have but can't keep...''

Chaz and his band is that one constant in my life that I just can't really bring myself to say goodbye to. At all. Like Supernatural. Going through my old things, you can see photos of their posters on the walls of my old rooms, actually I still have one of Chester just above my bed, hard to look at but I can't bring myself to tear it down. There's logos all over my old text books, bands shirts, their names are even on a pair of my first (awfully worn) red Converse. It's just...they became a part of me over the years, a part of who I was, a band that defined me...

I won't ever be okay with what happened. I can't honestly even use the word suicide together with his name, feels like a nasty swear word. I think an accident would of been easier. Or I don't know a sickness, even if I couldn't stand him suffer more than he clearly had to.

I don't believe in another lives, I don't believe in heaven or hell, but just to make it easier on myself, to let me get some sleep at night, I have to think there's something somewhere, a better place. Maybe not heaven but something of the sort. I have to believe that everyone I loved and lost is there, happier than they were down here among us, as horrible as that sounds. My heart aches today, and it always will be. But on the other hand I am eternally grateful for the universe to allign and make us live in the same era. To have met and know Chaz. To be influenced, changed and touched by his music. To feel a different kind of love because of him. To experience love and understanding and comfort. I can't change what happened but what I can do, is move on and try to follow in his footsteps, to be a better version of myself, to be what he'd want us to be, live life everyday to ''make Chester proud''.

I love you Chaz, I miss you.

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

http://musicforrelief.org/one-more-light-fund/

https://www.changedirection.org/

“Selling my soul would be a lot easier if I could just find it.”

Before you start reading, this contains spoilers about The Dirt, so if you haven't watched it yet (shame on you) I suggest you stop reading right here. If you carry on though, don't say I didn't warn ya.

Perhaps you noticed that the critics aren't too fond of the movie. Well I say fuck the critics what do they know right? People are so negative about everything. Though I know, Crue being one of my fave bands I must be biased. I think The Rolling Stone actually wrote ''we finally get a Motley Crue movie and we'd like to return it for a better one''. Hell. 

I'm not sure what the issue is really, I refuse to read these critics reviews, what matters to me is that I love the movie. Of course it's no Bohemian Rhapsody but then again this band is a hell of a lot different then Queen are. What actually bothered me about the movie was that it was way too short, and actually robbed of a lot of the things that you can read in the book (which coming to think of it can't be all bad) to make me truly happy I'd obviously need a TV show, actually, any producers out there reading this? (I wish) can we make it happen? A TV show? That'd be nice. And if the complaints are about not enough music, their lives, endless parades of aftershow parties and craziness, well, I mean that was their life wasn't it? Or if it's about some of the things that aren't totally 100% accurate. Well shit guys, it's a movie...

I glanced through a couple of Facebook comments, some saying it's boring, some saying it's fake because nobody could actually be this crazy. Well guys, read the book,...

Now the movie, I first of thought the cast was just spot on. Really. They picked the right actors for the part. And I am so happy to see Iwan Rheon in a part that isn't Ramsay Bolton because boy I hated that dick. He was a wonderful Mick Mars and I just loved this new look on Mick. He was always the more private quiet one and it was great seeing him from this side. Loved the vampire pose he sleeps in, the way he calls Tommy ''Drummer'', loved his snarky remarks and that line about respecting women when they sit by the pool. Always loved Mick thought he was super badass but now I love him even more. 

Tommy Tommy Tommy, the cute crazy hyper golden retriever type. Machine Gun Kelly is the best. Like the best. Bo Rhap has Rami but The Dirt has MGK. Stealing his sisters pants? Lol, yes Tommy they DO look better on you.

And then you got Vince. This is the one band though where I never had the hots for the blond singer but the bass player. How weird huh? But guys, Daniel Webber is so badass. Portrays the bad boy so well. And we all know what a bad boy Vince was.

But let me tell you something, there's nothing quite like Nikki Sixx or Douglas Booth playing Nikki Sixx. He already killed me in that Zombie movie but this right here? I mean....

Like I am sorry but how dare you? Is this even legal? Or fair for that matter? Jesus Christ. Well don't mind me I'll just sit here with my tongue hanging out. We all know you're gorgeous now just stop it.

To be honest, book aside, after watching this movie I just feel extremely blessed that I got the chance to see them live, together, all of them. With the way they lived that is nothing short of a bloody miracle. Sure it was the final tour and it will never happen again but it was better seeing them once than never at all. The concert wasn't taken too well either btw, but hell, again I loved it. Would of loved it even more on stage but let's not go there. 

Just like I predicted, Nikki being a huge fucking mess in the movie literally hurt. I can't imagine the things he had to go through in his life, addiction is hell and I am honestly happy that he's fine and alive and happy now. The whole scene where he died in that ambulance car and the paramedic was like ''not today satan'' well that ripped out my heart. I wanna thank that man personally for not giving up on him. Nikki is just a huge role model for me, for overcoming all the crap and darkness in your life, to artistic influence to pretty much everything. I love that man. Bit too much I guess.

Second flood of tears came at that fucking accident. Gods that was terrible. Those two fucking idiots, sitting in the car drunk and stoned. There really is no apologies for it. Accidents will happen if you're iresponsible and do something so stupid, but blaming it all on Vince is just as stupid. They were BOTH drunk as fuck, Razzle could be the one driving and Vince could be the one that ended up dead. But some people saying that Skylar was his punishment, my god what is the matter with all of you?! Sky was a little innocent girl she did not deserve this, nor did her dad, for a stupid mistake he did. All those scenes with her in the hospital, and him with her, the things he tells her. Oh god my heart, I can't. It's so heartbreaking. 

This line ''I had managed The Scorpions, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, KISS. I had been dragged through the deepest shit with all kinds of mentally ill people. But I’ve never been through what Mötley Crüe put me through.''. I would gladly believe him after those scenes in the hotels, Ozzy's naked butt and licking piss, handcuffing the guys to their beds so they don't do stupid shit, the revolving door of women,...I get you Doc I totally do. It couldn't have been easy. But hey, you made it and after all Crue are an amazing band, and props, nobody died on your watch, well, only a little...

It made me feel a hell of a lot better though when Vince says in the movie that Theathre of pain is shit with the exception of two songs Smoking in the boys room and Home sweet home. Truth is those are the only two songs I like on that record too, else is really not my favourite thing on the planet, with the exception of inner sleeve art of course. Now that, that is perfection.

Actually come to think of it, what I love most about the movie is the ending. No not that it ends, shut up but the fact that, they're clean, sober and back together as they should be, the original line up, they release Dr. Feelgood which I am still convinced is one of the best albums on the planet and they go back on tour. That's the era I really wish I saw them in. The Dr. Feelgood era. God I love every single second of that album and those songs. Masterpiece.

I suppose here's the deal, if you're a fan then you need to check out this movie, you'll probably laugh and cry with me on the same scenes. But if you're just curious with some of the bands history then I suppose the movie is not for you, you'll be just as bitter and disappointed as the critics were. Point here is I love it, and will probably see it a couple hundred times more. Gotta have something for them long sleepless nights and what's better then some Crue.

Gonna take a miracle to save you this time, and your savior has just left town.

''A penny for your thoughts now baby, looks like the weight of the world's on your shoulders now. I know you think you're going crazy, just when it seems everything's gonna work itself out they drive you right back down...''

It would seem that even a monthly post is getting impossible for me these days. I don't know what to say. Crazy life. Not in a good way. Well most days. Some days can still be pretty amazing, even if those days come so rare and feel like seconds not days. Cherish the good moments you guys, they're so far and few in between and over way too soon. But I suppose that's what makes them more precious. If life was all good all the time we wouldn't be able to appreciate the good times. ''Some days they feel like razor blades, some days, they taste like lemonade''.

But the news that hit the other day was anything but lemonade. Could be any other day, but no, the news breaks on the same day as the anniversary of My chemical romance breaking up. If you know me, you know that's one thing, the one band I'm never getting over. So on the same day the SPN family gets hit hard ''Season 15 of Supernatural is the last season''. How dare you stab me in the heart like that? It's like, my eyes aren't sweating, I'm not crying, I am just crying my fucking eyes out. Don't give me that ''it's just a show'' crap because so help me Odin I will kick your ass back to Jötunheimr you limp noodle. Supernatural was always more than ''just'' a show. It was a family. It's a constant I had for 14 years now. When everything was wrong and I do mean everything because let's face it, 90% of the time everything in my life is in fact wrong, Supernatural was there, to make it better, to cheer me up, to make me feel less alone, to make me realise it's okay to struggle, it's okay to be different, it's okay to not fit in... It's hard to understand when you're not a part of it. The fan base. The family. It's going to be impossibly hard to actually say goodbye. Shows come and go, and I know the SPN family will remain just that (come on guys, we all know we'll just end up binge re watching the show right?) but things will never be the same again, this is the end of an era, an end of a huge part of my life, of our lives and hell I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye just yet. 

''Carry on my wayward son for there'll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don't you cry no more.''

So to keep my mind of all the darkness that's haunting it, here I am back to one of the things I used to think I was good at anyways. Album reviews...

Taking another stab at Bon Jovi, or actually Jon Bon Jovi since this is in fact a solo album. Maybe not the best time for this review since I am still ''licking my wounds'', after that last album that was a complete disaster, Richie Sambora leaving and don't give me that ''they got Phil now'' crap, because Phil never was and never will be an equal member and I'm quite certain that the last album is shit because of his imput. Let me put it this way, even if you can't compare bands at all, but can you imagine The Rolling Stones without Keith Richards? Guns n' roses without Slash? We all know how that ended coughcrapcough...so why should and I mean music ''pussy rock'' quality aside Bon Jovi be any different? My god New Jersey, Slippery when wet, Have a nice day, Lost highway, What about now,..all amazing albums, and then Phil came along and we get ''This house is not for sale''? Gross.

So I'm even not that devastated over the INSANE ticket prices to be honest, because I don't even really want to go...but seriously Jon? 150 euros a ticket? Have you lost your mind? Even Bruce Springsteen isn't that expensive and he is THE BOSS and on a musical level you can only dream of.

Don't get me wrong though, I still love the band, I still love the music, I still listen to it all the time, I'm just stating that recent ''events'' in the band are really over the top and not to my liking at all. For which btw I got the nickname ''fake fan'' by crazy middle aged housewives. It's amazing how these women behave. I mean in their shoes I'd be hella embarrassed. You're only as old as you feel, but jesus christ at 50+ you really are too old to behave like crazy teenagers.

What is a real fan anyways? How do you determine a real fan? What makes a fan a fan? I wouldn't say someone that is sickeningly obsessed with a musician, an actor, a celeb of any kind, prepared to defend them till their last dying breath, hating every other fan for speaking their mind and voicing an opinion that happens to be different from theirs is a real fan. No. I think a ''real fan'' is a fan that is capable of admitting when they don't like something their ''babies'' do, capable of pointing out their ''mistakes'', we're all only human aren't we? A ''real fan'' respects other fans. Only love towards the same thing, person, music, is what brought us together, so why should that be the thing that also tears us apart because we can't see eye to eye?

Should we start with the song ''Blaze of glory''? I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I don't know what it is, the sound, the music, the lyrics. I don't know. Something rubs me the wrong way and I literally turn down the radio when I hear it. Even though as a debut solo single it reached number one on the Billboard Hot 100 (why though?) and also number one on Billboard Album rock tracks chart.

Did you hear it was written on a napkin? I think it would be better if that napkin was used and then tossed away. Allegedly though the song was recorded because a man named Emilio Estevez requested the song ''Wanted dead or alive'' (which btw has that same vibe and sound and I also am not a huge fan of) for the soundtrack of the movie Young Guns II but Bon Jovi didn't think that the song fits in a Western because after all the lyrics are about a touring band. Unless of course I completely misunderstood the point and meaning of a ''steel horse''.

You know what's just wild? I get shit for also not liking this song. ''How dare you! It's one of the best Bon Jovi songs!'' etc...well see that's just funny, given that this song is not a Bon Jovi song at all. It was never released as a band single, and it's actually notable purely because Jeff Beck plays guitar on it. Who the hell is the crazy one here?

I guess this album gives me this ''desparate'' attempt at being a rockstar or a rock legend vibe. It feels like some sort of a shot at Bob Dylan's Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid, and  the fourth song on side A ''Blood Money'' is actually dedicated to Dylan. Sometimes I wonder if a cover of ''Knockin' on Heaven's door'' wouldn't be a better option as Blood Money because let's be honest, he sang Knockin on Heavens door and it sounded rather amazing and Blood Money is just, meh.

Of course let's not forget the stunt he pulled on this one, just like Roy Orbison he invites lots of famous musicians to join him. Little Richard, Elton John, Jeff Beck,...and generally I think it paid off, the whole Blaze of glory aside, he album is quite okay, well some lines like the ones about lonely jukebox are rather dumb, but then there's some really nice melodies, solos, harmonies if you will.

The album actually begins with a tiny bit of dialogue where ''Billy'' says ''I'll make ya famous'' and after the song Billi get your guns begins. It's not a song like Bon Jovi usually put out at all but it's still really cool. A rock n roll sound and if you pay attention to Jon's voice, then you'll understand what I miss so much these days. That sounds almost like a different singer. Strong, confident, powerful, as opposed to the sound we get today. I miss the old Bon Jovi to be honest. Btw, Jeff's solo on this one is badass.

Now critics aside, let me comment on something I actually LOVE on this album. The song Miracle. HAVE you seen the music video? The hair! The bikes! I'm dead. So perfect all of it. Miracle is a power ballad obviously, but the whole vibe of it and the accordion give it a different feel than regular Bon Jovi ballads. It's a beautiful song, Jon wrote it all on his own (props) and it really reminds you that he does (or at least did) have a very strong and powerful voice. A voice capable of making one a rock legend. Which clearly he is despite the fact that some of his rock reminds me more of ''bubblegum pop''. Is like pop metal a thing? If they were ''metals'' back in the 80's (what kinda weird world was that, Bon Jovi metal? I may roll over on the floor laughing my behind off) and now they're....whatever they are...pop metal or metal pop could be just the term for them.

I actually got the term ''pussy rock'' or ''Kuschel rock'' from a friend of mine that lives in Berlin. He couldn't stand the idea of ''tough Nikki'' that grew up on Motley Crue and Guns N' Roses, the baddest of bad, actually liking Bon Jovi. When I told him I'm going to see them live, gosh when was it, 2010 or 2011, he nearly died laughing. Quite literally. But come on, even tough girls like romance every now and then. And Bon Jovi are just that, hopless romantic, with a pinch of politics and life thrown in between.

Well to put it simply, I think that this album is more Jon having a great time pretending he's a cowboy and the rest of us are just along for the ride. But the ride gets boring after a song or two. I'll tell you what though it has one hell of a cover and inner sleeve art. Sure makes me feel a bit hotter under my collar.

At the end of the day, if you're an obsessed fan like I am, most of the time, or I used to be at least, then you'll like this album and will definatelly want it in your collection, else just get a single vinyl of ''Miracle'' which I hear includes a huge poster. Hell, I'm gonna go hunting for that one right now because honestly, I'm desparate enough for a good poster of young Jon to tape that inner sleeve on my wall if I didn't think that that is utter criminal.

Alright guys, cheers, look after one another till my next post, exams are coming up, final exams before my degree, which is not even in scraps yet. Wish me luck, I'll need it.

''You're looking for salvation, you thought that it'd be shining like an angel's light, well, the angels left this nation and salvation caught the last train out tonight. He lost a hell of a fight.''

Sam lepe sanje.

Oh wow it's been a while huh? A whole month since I managed to write up a couple of words. What can I say? Anything will sound like excuses. Life's been pretty wild and crazy these days, and not in a good way. School is draining as is, essays make my brain feel like a sponge, and don't even get me started with the drama going on in my life on the daily basis, when I get home late at night (days need to start having more than 24 hrs to be honest) all I can do is fall into bed, face first. It's been too much of everything and I am just done. Drained. Exhausted. Mentally and physically.

So since it's Monday, and the record review I started working on aint ready yet (and it won't be for a while, not only I can't decide which one to post but I have 4 drafts and no idea how to finish up either one of them), how about some other music related news, updates, ramblings, however you want to call it…

I imagine all y'all that read this blog because you have the same music taste as I, have seen the trailer for Motley Crue's The dirt by now right? Putting aside that I am hella pissed that it's Netflix only, like hello? I wanna watch this on the big screen? I am beyond excited. Like beyond. This is one of my favourite bands and a movie about them? Uh hell yes.

I've seen the trailer ''a couple'' of times by now and I am freaking out. I barely kept it together for Bohemian Rhapsody but this one will kill me. I imagine floods and floods of tears when Nikki overdoses and through his entire struggle with addiction (cmon nobody wants to see their babies suffer), through the scenes about Vince's car accident (I dare you to mail me again about Razzle because I will kick your sorry ass back to Jötunheimr where you belong), through the sickness and death of Skylar (I also dare you to mail me again how this was his ''punishment'', she was 4 years old, you are all animals I swear) and not to mention Mick's ankylosing spondylitis diagnosis. Yep. Lots of crying in the future. What else is new.

I felt bad for poor Doc McGhee though, he's a brilliant manager, he worked with the biggest names in music business and that line in the trailer ''I worked with Scorpions, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Kiss, but I had never been through what Motley Crue put me through.'' Had to be tough with those wild boys. Now I read the book (borrowed, sadly I don't have my own copy, been on the wish list for a damn eternity) and I have an idea what this was about.

Here's the deal. We all know they were the baddest of bad in rock n roll. We all know they make the GN'R look tame but can we maybe instead of judging appreciate the music they put out because it's amazing? I mean their 1989 album ''Dr. Feelgood'' will forever be one of my top favourite albums ever put out. Every single song on it is great, no filler, no boring moment, entire thing is one hell of a ride.

See despite everything they pulled through and they're still here today. Fighting the very demons they fought before, Nikki trying to raise awareness on drugs in America. Vince raising money for charity in his daughters name. And honestly, despite what people say, they went out with a bang, the final tour was something else. I'm going to point out again that I miss them and that the near thought of ''Home sweet home'' live makes me cry my eyes out. Yeah, like I said I cry too much these days. Lol. Hey is that thing where people sell their tears still a thing? I might make millions. Haha.

Now while I wait patiently (or rather impatiently) for March 22nd how about a review of a concert? So last Friday (each time I say that I think about a metal cover of Katy Perry's ''Last Friday night'' and a couple of actually wild Friday nights that ended up with butt tattoos and god knows what else) I went to see a couple of local bands play. One are one of my favourites actually. I have about 6 or 7 local bands that I love and the rest should in my opinion just stop making music.

These ''boys'' I've seen probably over 30 times by now. I'm pretty much on every local gig they play. Creeper much? Ha ha. But they have this easy rock type music and sometimes that's all you need to forget your worries and problems for a couple of hours. And trust me I welcome any type of forgetting these days. Like I said, hell doesn't come near to describing how life was in the past say 16 months.

This was something new for me too. It was a ''girls night out'' and that's something I haven't done in years. I mean it, literally years. Not over reacting but for real. I am always with my guy friends, the bike club, musicians. And to be quite honest my list of girl friends is dangerously short. But I am glad I did it because it was nothing short of FUN.

Not going to complain about drunks, or annyoing people on local shows like I always do because what's the point? People don't care about music they care about booze. Makes me want to organise concerts without booze but I suppose nobody would came. Sigh. Stupid but whatcha gonna do? I mean I'm no angel I love Jack, I love vodka, I drink beer, sometimes on the verge of too much too but like never at concerts. I might as well stay at home, save the money I'd spend for the ticket and crack open a couple of cold ones with youtube playing in the back. Same thing isn't it?

Here's the deal there were a few artists present. And a DJ. Let's let him call himself a DJ. But like music from a laptop? Whatever happened to vinyl? And also…the music choice. Jesus christ. If this is a ''rock night'' then it should be a ROCK night.

So the first artists. A duo I guess. They call themselves ''BQL'' as in ''be cool''. Two ''Justin Biebers'' that now got a band. I gotta say, pop music, I was extremly sceptical. Not a fan. Pop. Gross. But I would be lying and I mean lying big times if I said they were bad. I suppose they worked on their music, they worked on their voices, style too I guess, and in the end I was quite pleasantly surprised, they sounded nice, did a couple great covers and no complaints here. Respect. They're trying. And I support that.

But the main act our very own M!2, of course audiences faves. Always the same. They're loved. Thank god actually. At least one band is shown the love and appreciation they deserve. I've seen them…jesus too many times to count (I know I said 30 up there but it might be…''a few'' more times). You really don't even want to know. It's been a while since I last saw them though, despite them being a local band. One would think they play in bars and different venues each month but no such luck.

It was a great set as per usual. All my fave songs, the most fav one of course as well. Isn't it such an amazing feeling hearing one of your absolute fave songs live? Getting lost in it, feeling every note, every beat, every lyric? You know what they say right? When the music hits you, you feel no pain. Fridays set was even better because of the fact that this band played their first show in 2019 right there and gave us a late ''Christmas'' present. 2 brand new songs, never before played. The singer had a piece of paper with the lyrics scribbled on it. Ha. Reminds me of that moment where Alex from All time low had a piece of paper on the stage floor saying ''learn the lyrics to your own fucking songs idiot'' because he kept singing wrong and the fans kept singing right. Funny thing. But guys the songs that our band premiered! Amazing songs. Always a great song if it involves swearing. And one of these does. A real nice swear word too. Made me choke on my drink not going to lie. Respect boys, that's how it's done. Lyrics that allude to politics and everything that's fucked up on this planet and being angry about it…that's how it's supposed to be done. Music is supposed to have the power to make you think and get active and do something about things that piss you off. Music isn't supposed to be political the way Eurosong is. It's supposed to be political like Green Day's American idiot is. I can't scream that loud enough.

Right back to the concert. If you know me you know what I'm like, as soon as it's a ''hair band'' I'm done. Sold. Cheap hooker my friend would say. So it's like 2 in the morning, last band comes on stage. Kids. I don't want to know, legal or not because it's usually too young for me to drool over, or you know really too old *cough Joe Elliott, Bon Jovi, Nikki Sixx, the list goes on cough*. Hah. So let's stay with music and music alone. The band is called Lumberjack and they're such cute kids, talented musicians, great stage presence, all round great guys and they get zero respect. People came in to hear the main act and left when they left, which means at 2 am there were about 10 of us left supporting the last band. I mean. What the hell guys? Support your local bands. Give some credit to young musicians trying to make it work. Working on their dreams. And for the love of everything holy if it's rock music or rock n roll or metal music you should support it that much more. The world needs less bullshit and more rock'n'roll.

The boys did a great job despite the ''very crowded'' venue. Did their best and honestly, I'm happy that we stuck around to listen to them play. Was definately not my last time seeing them.

All in all it was a great night, just what I needed to forget things that weigh me down on a daily basis. But there are too few of such nights. If I had it my way I'd make every weekend a concert night. Music is the only thing that makes it all okay, makes the pain go away, gives life some sort of meaning. Only thing always there for you, only thing that can't hurt you but give you comfort. I think the least we can do is return the favour. Show the music some love too, support it as it deserves and we should start at supporting our local bands. Every big name was once a local band playing at bars and random venues.

There's that. Some wisdom from me after a long while. Cheers guys, have a great week. And before I leave how about a huge congratulations to Rami Malek. I was chewing on my nails hoping and wishing he wins the Oscar for best male actor and my wishes were heard. There were some big names running with him, all amazing actors, if I had it my way they'd all win but I am over the moon that Rami's hard work was appreciated and rewarded as it deserved.

Hell not heaven.

I can't remember the last time things felt this miserable and gloomy. It's been a tough week to say the least. With two tough anniversaries. And to be quite honest I had to deal with these things all alone. I had to make some hard decisions lately and it's just...it's not getting any easier. You think you grow up, you think you get a grip on life...well spoiler alert you don't. Losing people, losing yourself, it's always tough.

Sometimes I wonder, just because you have to do something that doesn't make it right does it? Or just because something's the ''right thing'' to do that doesn't make it okay, does it? I've been so lost this past year, and angry and bitter and confused and just plain unhappy and it's been taking a serious toll on my life, on my health, on my every relationship with people. It's been hell to say the least.

I've been going through some pictures I took, years back in Berlin. It wasn't that long ago, couple of years but to me now, it feels like light years away. I was different then, I was happy. I liked that girl more. Not only she was happier but she wasn't so afraid of life, so paranoid, so annoyed at people, so broken...

Berlin is my favourite place on this entire planet. No secret, everyone that knows me knows that. It's something else. It's different. It's...I don't know, hard to describe. A place I feel I can really breathe at. It's amazing. A beautiful city. I find myself missing it. The city. The feeling it gave me. The vibe. Everything really. But mostly how happy I was there.

And obviously the people I got to experience Berlin with. Most of them are gone now anyway...
The first person that took me to Berlin after I nearly cried off 10 pounds begging him, was my dad. Long car ride, lots of amazing music, and Berlin...god I was what 14 then, light years away.

I don't know what I miss really, a place where I would feel at home? Probably, because here I never will. My dad? Most definatelly. My life as it used to be? Yeah. A family. Not that I ever had much of a family. I don't miss my own family, I miss having a family. A family that stands by your side, a family that's there for you when life is hard.

Today would of been dad's 50 something birthday and we'd probably get a drink or something and bicker over something completely stupid because that's just what we used to do. And it's unbearable that I ended up drinking alone after signing a contract that will cost me the very last thing of his that I own.

I guess all I can really say is ''life is tough, I don't recomend it''. Enjoy these three pics of Berlin instead, I know I will. Or will try to...