Hell not heaven.

I can't remember the last time things felt this miserable and gloomy. It's been a tough week to say the least. With two tough anniversaries. And to be quite honest I had to deal with these things all alone. I had to make some hard decisions lately and it's just...it's not getting any easier. You think you grow up, you think you get a grip on life...well spoiler alert you don't. Losing people, losing yourself, it's always tough.

Sometimes I wonder, just because you have to do something that doesn't make it right does it? Or just because something's the ''right thing'' to do that doesn't make it okay, does it? I've been so lost this past year, and angry and bitter and confused and just plain unhappy and it's been taking a serious toll on my life, on my health, on my every relationship with people. It's been hell to say the least.

I've been going through some pictures I took, years back in Berlin. It wasn't that long ago, couple of years but to me now, it feels like light years away. I was different then, I was happy. I liked that girl more. Not only she was happier but she wasn't so afraid of life, so paranoid, so annoyed at people, so broken...

Berlin is my favourite place on this entire planet. No secret, everyone that knows me knows that. It's something else. It's different. It's...I don't know, hard to describe. A place I feel I can really breathe at. It's amazing. A beautiful city. I find myself missing it. The city. The feeling it gave me. The vibe. Everything really. But mostly how happy I was there.

And obviously the people I got to experience Berlin with. Most of them are gone now anyway...
The first person that took me to Berlin after I nearly cried off 10 pounds begging him, was my dad. Long car ride, lots of amazing music, and Berlin...god I was what 14 then, light years away.

I don't know what I miss really, a place where I would feel at home? Probably, because here I never will. My dad? Most definatelly. My life as it used to be? Yeah. A family. Not that I ever had much of a family. I don't miss my own family, I miss having a family. A family that stands by your side, a family that's there for you when life is hard.

Today would of been dad's 50 something birthday and we'd probably get a drink or something and bicker over something completely stupid because that's just what we used to do. And it's unbearable that I ended up drinking alone after signing a contract that will cost me the very last thing of his that I own.

I guess all I can really say is ''life is tough, I don't recomend it''. Enjoy these three pics of Berlin instead, I know I will. Or will try to...