Happy Birthday my god damn Wild Child.

So. Here we are. Survived another lockdown. Kinda. Two more days if we're lucky, but my money is on two more months tbh. I can't say it was a good week because let's be serious it was anything but, but nothing Jack Daniels can't fix. Kinda. I've been torturing myself with memories, travels, concerts, hell bars even. Scrolling through all old pictures on the phone you realise just how dull your life has become. How much they took from us. And actually, in a funny way I'm laughing out loud because about two years ago my family called me insane for being dressed in a full Winter soldier get up. ''you can't walk around town with a mask covering half your face Nikki'' ha ha ha. Who's laughing now? Well nobody is but I think you got the point.

Glancing through these old pictures I figured I don't really miss anything as much as I miss Vienna. One of my favourite cities and frequent quick getaway / long weekend / concert location. I miss everything about it, I miss the music, the art, the beat of the city, fuck I miss freedom really. I miss the fact that I could walk down the streets of Vienna and feel more at home than I do at home. I've seen all my favourite bands in that city. I've seen exhibitions of some of my favourite artists. Tried some new foods. And spent what I think was the most surreal and romantic weekend there with a rockstar. Straight out of a movie. Yeah life in Vienna is much different, and much better, and I can't put it into words how much I miss it. I'd give anything to reset humanity and live in a normal world once again.

A normal world where the bars are open and you get to pick up a stranger for a night, no regrets just love kinda thing right? Ironically lately there's no love just plenty regrets. I guess one can hope in another life things will be better. In another life we can get back to that hotel room, room service, hot makeout sessions and pretending the world doesn't exist outside our room. A world where we play games that have you begging for more, games where you tease me if I want you I'll beg but you end up begging instead. A world in which you tell me again how you should never let me walk out and in the arms of another man and mean it. A world in which love is enough, and strong enough to handle whatever curve ball life throws at us. But the harsh reality is that you wake up alone, spend the days alone, with a vinyl playing and a bag of Haribo gummi bears trying to fill the void you feel inside. It's not really working but well…you can try. Booze doesn't help. Maybe sugar will.

So yesterday was April 8th. Alexi's birthday. Always thought it's cool we share birthdays in a way. The number 8th. His is April mine is October. I decided to celebrate it with Samantha Fox' ''Touch me'' and a shit ton of JD. Didn't need to extra curse or be extra pissed let's face it I already am everyday. Yesterday was chaotic just as he would of love it. Hyvää syntymäpäivää Alexi, minä rakastan sinua.

''The faint blaze of the candle of my life, slowly dying like a fire in a pouring rain. No sparks of hope inside, no shooting stars on my sky. On broken wings, no flying high.''

So in order to celebrate, a quick write up of the very vinyl spinning right now. Before I even get into the music, which is perfect from the first minute to the last, just look at the perfection that is this release in the first place. One of my favourite records, white, splattered, the ''halo'' of blood in the middle? Everything is absolutely perfect.

 

I aint going to disect this album song by song, that would of been too much. I guess it's too early still. Like it's too early for those magazines. I love the pictures in them so much but I still can't bring myself to actually read them.

I don't really read album reviews tbh, like when they come out, before I get them…I don't know, might be the fact that I really don't like people nor care about their opinions (unless asked) or it might be the fact that I said several times that critiques are assholes. Yes me included. I especially stayed away from any and all CoB reviews. Simple reason, they all started the same way, people bitch and complain about how good they used to be, and how ''boring'', ''down the hill'', ''stagnant'' they are now and a whole god damn discussion on why that is. Can you literally see me roll my eyes all the way into my god damn skull? I mean people are never happy are they? They are not happy when a band changes their sound too much (really, it's called evolving their sound get on with the program) and they're not happy with a band when it stays the same. Whatever you do you really can't please everyone so it's no point in trying at all. I guess I wish people were bitching less. I mean it's pretty easy, if you like something, enjoy it, if you don't move along, if you don't agree, unless asked for opinion move the fuck along.  So many unneeded words, so much negativity. Sigh.

Right so for those never happy always complaining, ''Halo of blood'' will be an improvment. You see changes, it's different than ''Blooddrunk'' and ''Relentless''. I love all of them but I suppose out of the three if I chose favourites, Halo of blood would be it. No doubt though that ''Hatecrew'' and ''Chaos'' are my favourite. Say what you will but that's what it is.

The album is something special because there are ten songs on it and they are completely different from each other and yet they are not even a little bit out of place and fit together perfectly. Straight from the start, song one ''Waste of skin'' hits you in the face , with that insane, super fast, fingers flying on the frets, melodic guitar, in sync with the bass and the keyboards. It's amazing. And just watching them hands flying up and down, shredding those chords is nothing short of completely mesmerising and erotic at the same time.

I give you one thing though, this is the eigth album but really should be the fifth, to me the sound sorta returns to Hatecrew era, it sort of makes a logical follow up. A logical part two if you will. And also it doesn't because the two albums in between were just what I mentioned above, explorations, developing and searching their sound. I guess the songwriting though here is quite a bit different. It's more diverse. More complex. You know what I mean? I love all songs, I love all lyrics. I absolutely adore ''Angels don't kill'', but I don't know there's some sorta new kind of depth here that I register differently. Sometimes I can't even explain what I mean or what's going on in my head.

What really shook me all over was ''Dead man's hand on you''. It was a shock, complete and utter shock. In a good way of course. Starting the song with acoustic guitar and clean vocals? I did not expect that at all. The brooding, dark acoustic sound, the sorta spoken words but then that explosive chorus? Shit it's freakin perfect. Sorta death metal, dark, ballad in a way. For me, one of those exploring the sound, exploring different types of music, and for sure a highlight in their career, producing something different, something just as equally amazing as the fast riffs and scratchy screaming vocals. I feel like this song is literally putting emotions into sounds. So many feelings, both put in the song and felt when listened to. It's just amazing and even if the whole album was just that one song, it would of been perfect.

This album really isn't just a collection of great riffs (which there are so many of on it) but also the addition of the perfect raspy, gritty, icicles and knives kinda vocals. It's also a perfect example of some of the best, innovative and technically perfectly executed writing up to date. It shows perfectly on the song ''One bottle and knee deep''. Pure freakin perfection. What a way to close up an album.

The whole thing is one of those moments, defining moments in music, where they reclaimed their throne in the Finnish melodic death metal scene and I believe that's a place nobody can ever take from them. Not now and not ever. I will always love Finnish music, they have only the best musicians but no matter what they come up with there will always only be one CoB and nothing and nobody can top that. and Halo of blood is a brilliant way to prove that they are the kings, the titans of Finnish melodic metal. They went back to their musical roots, schooled us with the best and most amazing riffs and showed us how vocals, guitars, drumming and keyboards should function together. Nothing short of a completely unique experience and nothing short of 40 minutes of pure power, ferocity, intensity and perfection. To put it shorter, this album is freakin amazing and it's got balls and there is nothing quite as perfect as turning the volume up sky high and screaming along to the songs. Best way to melt off all the frustrations.

Now to close this post and move on and get some shit done today…who am I kidding, we all know I'll just put the record back to start and not move a muscle…listen to me kids, as soon as I get home, throw off my bra, the day is over for me okay? And I don't even care if it's 11 am. Day – over. Now to conclude my endless ramblings, take a look at this beautiful gem on my jackets. Here's a way to keep Allu with me always. If you want one too, go to the etsy store link here (click me).

I miss you Allu, so much, hope you're happy, where ever you are because life down here without you is anything but happy. Happy birthday, I love you.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there, become so tired, so much more aware...

''What’s the worst thing I’ve stolen? Probably little pieces of other people’s lives. Where I’ve either wasted their time or hurt them in some way. That’s the worst thing you can steal, the time of other people. You just can’t get that back.''

- Chester Bennington

He's right aint he? That's something he can never get back. As is the time you've wasted on people that weren't worth your time, your attention, your love. It's crazy how we function. Like that one line says ''we accept the love we think we deserve''...

But Chester didn't steal our time. Only another part of us we'll never get back. Our love, affection, a piece of our hearts...

I won't ever be able to explain this, it's a different kind of love, different kind of affection. I can't explain it to people that never felt it, why almost two years later I still miss him, it still hurts, it still sucks. And I'm pretty sure this won't ever change. I will always love him, I'll always miss him. Like a best friend. Like a part of me I won't ever get back. Thing is, things happened in my life that had my heart shattered into pieces so tiny they could pass through a hole in a needle, and then losing one of my biggest heroes, a man who's words and music I grew up with, a man who made me feel like I'm not alone and like I'm strong enough to keep going even when all I really wanted was to give up...well that felt like a freezing wind blowing over and taking those tiny pieces with it.

It hurts. It's not fair. And it's just like losing any other person that I knew personally, since people so love to use the line ''but you didn't even know him''. Who the hell cares if I knew him or if I didn't. His music was very personal, very honest, in a way we all knew him. In a way he exposed his darkest thoughts with us. And to be quite honest, even in the shape and form he was present in my life, he did more for me than most other people did. He was a better friend than most my friends were.

It's something else entirely, putting an album on, letting it play, losing yourself in the lyrics and just knowing, there's at least one person out there that understands 100% just how hard some things are, how impossible picking yourself up from the ground is and just how hard it is to move on after being completely defeated.

What's missing is not just an amazing musician and an amazing person, but also an amazing teacher who taught us all how to be fearless, how to be passionate about whatever the hell we love doing even if the entire world thinks it's stupid. He taught us that struggles don't define your life, and that just because someone's are harder that doesn't mean yours are any less important. And the most important lesson he gave us? Love. How important it is to love each other. How important it is to spread love, how love can defeat hate. In one of his last shows, he talked about the tragedy in Manchester, he said;

''Real quick, before we get into this next song, I've come down there and sang with all my friends. I just want to make sure before we leave and go back home, that we pay our respect and share some of our love and our prayers for the families and the victims of the tragedy at the Manchester Arena. My heart has never been broken so much, until the day I found out that that tragedy happened. And since that day I've been wearing these little earrings with the bees in 'em, I know that’s a symbol of strength and hope in the city of Manchester. And I'm gonna keep these in, I'm gonna keep these in, until all this nonsense stops and we can start loving each other, we can stop hurting each other, because we believe in something different, than the person standing next to us. The one thing that can’t be defeated is love, right? You can conquer hate by ignoring it, you can destroy it by loving the person next to you. So I want everybody here tonight to look at the person standing next to you and just tell 'em that you love 'em and you are happy that they're here with you tonight, having a good time. Listening to music. Celebrating life. We don't care what you look like, we don't care where you come from, we don't care what you believe in. We love every single one of you out there, and nothing will ever change that. With that said, let's sing some songs together.''

These are words to live by. We tell each other how we feel too little. We hate too much and not love enough. We let our pride and fear cloud our real emotions. Telling someone you love them, care about them, compliment them, it's such a small thing to do, and it feels like it's nothing, but, not only you don't really know how many more chances to do just that you have, it's a small thing that might change someone's day, hell life. Someone might be going through a really rough day, rough patch, and a nice word is more than uplifting.

Funny thing is, he wouldn't even want us to feel this way, to feel sad each time their song comes on the radio, to feel broken watching their videos. But I can't help it, there won't ever be a day when I can look at them and be okay with it, a day when it won't make me sad...when their last album came out, I wasn't really convinced, never gave it a real chance to be fair. Never fully listened. It was so different and I suppose I loved the old Linkin Park too much. So when they came close enough on tour for me to go, I said to myself, I've already seen them so I'm just going to catch them on their next tour with another album. And now, I doubt there's many things in my life that I will regeret as much.

Later when I let myself truly listen to ''One more light'' I realised how much I loved it. Every single song on it. They are perfect. They sound different yes but they are perfect non the less. Songs like One more light, Heavy which is mostly misunderstood, it's not depressing it's uplifting, Good goodbye, Nobody can save me, Battle Symphony...they seem to all make sense now, and they're honestly hard to listen to. Maybe we didn't notice before, but now they feel like a cry for help, and I just can't help but wonder...what if? Was there something we could of done? Unlikely I know...but just...I wish somebody could help him.

''Should've stayed. Were there signs I ignored? Can I help you not to hurt anymore? We saw brilliance when the world was asleep, there are things that we can have but can't keep...''

Chaz and his band is that one constant in my life that I just can't really bring myself to say goodbye to. At all. Like Supernatural. Going through my old things, you can see photos of their posters on the walls of my old rooms, actually I still have one of Chester just above my bed, hard to look at but I can't bring myself to tear it down. There's logos all over my old text books, bands shirts, their names are even on a pair of my first (awfully worn) red Converse. It's just...they became a part of me over the years, a part of who I was, a band that defined me...

I won't ever be okay with what happened. I can't honestly even use the word suicide together with his name, feels like a nasty swear word. I think an accident would of been easier. Or I don't know a sickness, even if I couldn't stand him suffer more than he clearly had to.

I don't believe in another lives, I don't believe in heaven or hell, but just to make it easier on myself, to let me get some sleep at night, I have to think there's something somewhere, a better place. Maybe not heaven but something of the sort. I have to believe that everyone I loved and lost is there, happier than they were down here among us, as horrible as that sounds. My heart aches today, and it always will be. But on the other hand I am eternally grateful for the universe to allign and make us live in the same era. To have met and know Chaz. To be influenced, changed and touched by his music. To feel a different kind of love because of him. To experience love and understanding and comfort. I can't change what happened but what I can do, is move on and try to follow in his footsteps, to be a better version of myself, to be what he'd want us to be, live life everyday to ''make Chester proud''.

I love you Chaz, I miss you.

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

http://musicforrelief.org/one-more-light-fund/

https://www.changedirection.org/

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

''Looking for an anwser, is there sunshine where you are? The way there was when you were here. I’m just sitting in the dark, in disbelief that you’re not here.''

I wanted to write about Halloween today. Share any story from my past Halloweens. I realized that they are all, a bit...too much for this blog. And also, there is something weighing so heavy on my heart and mind that I just can't shut it up.

I've been struggling with Chester leaving us so much. He was my role model, my hero, my sunshine when life got too dark. I found so much of myself in his lyrics. He helped me get through the hardest things in life. When I was in school, the ''weird metal kid'', the ''emo'', the ''goth'', the ''crazy bitch'' whatever else they'd call me, with no friends and all alone on this planet, his songs kept me going. When things in my family were anything but perfect, I'd look for comfort in their music. When life got rough I used to lie awake at night listening to his voice, it was reasuring, it made me feel comforted and safe. It was a feeling I missed so much. I never imagined someday so soon that comfort will be taken from me. I felt like someone pulled the rug from underneath me. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I was broken and I was the lonely little girl all over again. He was struggling with the same things I am, he was fighting the same demons I am, and I always used to say to myself, if he's tough enough to make it, so can you. And in the end he wasn't, and I'm scared that someday I won't be able to fight any longer too.

Where is this coming from? The ''Linkin park and Friends Celebrate Life in Honor of Chester Bennington'' concert happened this Friday. One of the concerts I really really wished I was at. And I was up in the middle of the night, live stream on but as soon as Mike sang ''When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind'' it was too much. I had to take a deep breath shut it down and leave it for another day. That day was today. I watched the entire clip, about 3 hours long, and let me tell you something it was both, the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking thing I've ever watched. There was so much emotion, so much love, so much positive energy, so much passion and support. Our LP family really is an amazing comunity.

Mike said that when he found out the news he was in complete disbelief, he didn't want to believe anybody or anything. And that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to believe it. And during that rollercoaster of emotion, just like it helped Mike, music helped me too. He wrote that beautiful song, ''Looking for an anwser'' and...it was amazing is all. At this point I'd like to just say about Mike that he's such an inspiration and so strong and so amazing. I don't even have the right words to say but it's no wonder, strength and courage comes from love and Mike has plenty of it. I wish I could be one of those fans that met them before the show, giving them big hugs, telling them everything will be okay. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, for them. I always had nothing but mad respect for them but seeing them now, opening themselves to us, to vulnerability, to love, to everything else, that made things completly different. I love you guys. We, the fans will always be there for you, stand by you, believe in you and love you. No matter what.

I don't think it hit me full force before, that he's really gone, till right now, the concert, seeing them on stage, preforming without him. Seeing Mike struggle on a couple of songs, on a couple of short speaches...it was hard to watch it, he's gone and nothing will ever be the same again. Numb, One more light, Looking for an anwser, In the end,...those were hard, but I think harder was watching the boys trying to hold back their own emotions and keep it together, I felt for them. Really.

My sadness hits me hard sometimes, it's not all about Chester, it's mostly about things that his passing stirred up and the wounds it re-opened. It's a struggle and it's a battle. It's a distraction and it's like a dark cloud, it left me feeling so hollow and so overwhelmed. What changed though is that this concert helped me a lot. There is hope, there is light and there is so much love. It still hurts and my heart is still broken but the force and love and support this band and the fans have is so strong, it's so reasurring. The concert hurt it's true but it helped so much, we all share the same grief, we're all together in this, our pain is real but yet we're not alone. Chester was amazing, he touched all our lives, regardless if we knew him or not.

Some people ask me how I can feel such heartbreak and so much pain and such sorrow for someone I've never met, ''he's just a celebrity, he didn't even know you exist''. If he could have, he'd met us all with a huge hug. He was so full of love and light and passion and the will to help others. It's so simple really, it's not just a musician we lost, it's not just a dad, a husband, a friend, it's an amazing human being, if only everyone on this planet cared half as much as he did for others, shared his empathy, his love, the world would be a much better place. And on the other hand, ''you didn't even know him'', what a lonely, isolated world would we live in if people would only care about themselves and maybe a few others they know personally.

In England, a little after that attack in Manchester, Chester stood on stage and told us that we can destroy all this shit and all the hate simply with love, by loving the person next to us. He told the fans in that venue to turn around, look at the person standing next to them and tell them they love them, that they're so happy to be there with them. He said music unites us, love unites us, no matter who we are, where we are from, what we love, what we believe. Love leaves us kind right? And that love shouldn't be limited to people close to you. It's something, a ''motto'' if you will that I want to live by.

I'm taking this and life and everything else one step at a time. Nothing changed. I love the band, I love their music, I still listen to it all the time, only now, songs have a deeper, different meaning. But honestly, these days there's no more tears, there's a smile instead and that's mostly because of the amazing LP family, the amazing love and positivity that was left behind, the light he brought to this world simply by being in it. And to be fair, knowing us or not knowing us there's one thing he wouldn't want and that is pain, suffering, heartbreak. Chester would of hated it. He would want us to smile, laugh, celebrate life, lift eachother up just like we've been doing all along in the past few months.

In that spirit, I share the same ideas, same passion, same empathy and willingness to help anyone in need. If there's anything, if you need to talk, if you're having a bad day, if you just need someone to listen, my inbox is always open *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* don't be afraid to come talk. I will always do my best to offer you some comfort or help if it's in my power to do anything. Don't be scared to reach out, you're not alone.

You know which moment of the show got to me most? Besides Mike's song that is...Numb. Such a powerful, strong, amazing moment. The band playing, spotlight on but there's nobody there. Nobody was singing but then the crowd picked up the song and it only grew louder each second. I thought it was amazing because nobody could do that song justice, nobody could sing it like he does so they gave the ''spotlight'' to the fans instead.

Rest in peace baby, I love you so much, thank you for the music, the love, the kindness, the hope you left behind, thank you for being here when nobody else was. And to my LP family, thank you for understanding what nobody else does, thank you for everything as well, it feels good having a place you belong in. I love you all.

I’ll keep my light strong, for you Chester.

http://musicforrelief.org/

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

Heaven isn't too far away.

Now the lights are going out, along the boulevard, memories come rushing back and makes it pretty hard.

I've got nowhere left to go and no one really cares, I don't know what to do but I'm never giving up on you.

Heaven isn't too far away closer to it every day, no matter what your friends might say we'll find our way.

Rest in peace angel.

February 1, 1964 - August 11, 2011

It's never that bad, take it from someone who's been where you're at.

''I'm tryin' to forget, but it's breakin' me instead. I can't live, without you, without you. I keep reading into this, and the pieces that I miss. I can't be, without you, without you...''

Sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it...sometimes it's your favorite song on the radio, or something I can't tell anyone but you or a situation that I don't know how to handle...and it's when I realize I can't come to you, talk to you, that's when it hurts most. Time is not healing this wound, it just keeps hurting. Maybe less that much is true, but it still hurts.

And then I sit there in the middle of my bed just trying to keep it together and if I'm being honest? It's not helping. I think the problem is it's not just you I'm missing, it's who I was with you as well. It's us. It's the little things that made what we had so special. I miss the way you'd say ''forever'' when I asked you how long we'll be the way we are...how long we're going to be ''us''...I never got my forever obviously...I fucking miss being more confident. I never used to worry about the future, my life, anything really, when I had you I was different. I was ballsy. I believed in myself I knew I can do whatever the hell I want to and if I failed I still had you there with me. I didn't stand in front of two white pieces of paper twenty minutes deciding which one I like best or which one is whiter, I was sure of my decisions, I knew what I was doing.

I miss how I didn't have to make sense or be understood or follow all the bloody rules, you got me, nothing else mattered. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't uneasy, I wasn't nervous, I wasn't lost, I was confident, strong, courageous...I miss that. And all that aside, you know what I miss most? Who I was with you, who you were with me, who we were together...and sometimes there are those long nights when all I can do is replay different things in my mind wondering what would happen if they played out differently, and I miss you so much to a point where I start feeling physical pain. And you know what? It absolutely sucks.

Which brings us to the point of this post. I met a lot of people in my life but none as vile as the woman I had to deal with just recently. I swear she was a complete thundercunt, rude, mean, evil, nasty, disgusting, just all in all a horrible human being. I wouldn't wish anyone the ''pleasure'' to deal with her. And it made me miss you more. In a ''normal'' world I'd run home crying, you'd say ''aw baby, who's ass am I kicking this time?'' and hug me so tight till you literally squeezed the pain out...do you have any idea just how much I miss that? How awful knowing I never get to hug you again is? Damn it that hurts so much...

So now all that I can do is sit here and think of what you'd say to make me feel better. ''Don't worry about it Nikki, some people are just so miserable with their own lame lives that they have to make someone elses life hell as well, just to feel better about themselves''.

And your advice on how to handle such people...

Never take it personally even if it gets personal, it hurts yes but take the power out of their attitude towards you by treating it as their problem not yours.

Don't join the drama club, I know you feel like yelling, probably punching, ripping their ignorant head off but don't. You will only escalate the situation. It doesn't really matter if you're dealing with a drama queen who enjoys the attention or an inconsiderate oaf who's attitude is either intentional because they're idiots or completly unintentional, keep your dignity and pride in check and don't let their rude behavior provoke you into dropping down to their level. They.are.not.worth.it.

Don't let their behavior make you respond with the same behavior. You shouldn't always treat people the way they treat you even if that's what they deserve. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to kill them with kindness, make them feel like an idiot after you treat them so nice and they're being so nasty towards you.

I already know what you'd tell me but it would be so much nicer to hear if from you. I know what you'd say ''don't let the bastards get you down, they're not worth stealing your perfect smile''. What I want exists right? I just need to go out and get it. But what I want most doesn't. Because that's you. It always gets better I know, but right now it seems a little too dark, a little too hopless and a little too painful.

I just miss you so much tonight...