Carino.

This is probably the 50th time I'm attempting to write this blog. Well any blog. It's not about the specific theme, it's about me. I'm the issue. Lets pretend I get it done this time. It's hard to get anything done with the screaming in my house which is only getting worse and worse. I don't know when things shifted and we started ''hating'' each other so much. People tell me ''you're not an island, you can't be alone and isolated'' but really, that's all I crave. And unless Henry Cavill, David Garrett or Tom Cruise magically decide they're hoplessly in love with me, I just don't want to be bothered. Any and all human interaction these days is just not worth it no more. Many things have lost it's meaning. Sometimes it feels like life all together lost it's meaning. 

I don't honestly understand what's wrong with people, if I felt alienated before that feeling is ten or twenty or fifty times worse now. It's not just that I don't fit in anywhere, it's also that I can't seem to be on the same page, hell same chapter or even in the same book with anyone. How do people still meet people? How do you talk to them? I don't know how to comunicate or connect no more, whatever I say / do it's wrong. So I tend to be silent at all times, minding my own business, because that's what I was taught at home, because each time I open my mouth it's met with screaming, sit down and shut up ''zitti e buoni'' right? It's a lonely place being completely alone even when there's people around you. 

It's one of those days when I just feel like sadness has creeped into every inch of my body and soul. I don't even know why, probably the result of the past years, things continiously spiraling downwards, constantly battling headaches that never want to fuck off, stress, anxiety, loss, life. Sigh. 

But all that angst aside how about some exciting things? I'm basically babbling over here to take a step away from my obsessions, like the Rock of ages movie. I've seen it a million times and here I am falling right back into that rabbit hole. Going feral for Tom in a role of a rockstar. Please Tom, for the love of everything holy, slam me down on that pool table and choke me so we can be done with it. That man is FINE okay. And let me just say this much, House of the dragon isn't doing me any big favours either. Y'all know I have problems with blond men as is and those Targaryen men? Um. Yes. Fuck yes. How old is Matt Smith btw? Any of you guys know? Probably too old for me but well...

Let me point out here how nice my friends are. This is a direct quote from one of them the other day ''please, Nikki doesn't want a boyfriend, Nikki wants a fictional man, with a sharp jawline, a sarcastic smirk, daddy issues and a tragic backstory.'' I mean he was not wrong if we're being honest. With my track record of men I DO like...yeah...

In also other news, Titanic is coming back to our movies and I shrieked. You guys know me you know that the one thing I always wanted is to see all my favourite classics on big screen. Hasn't happened yet with Top Gun, Grease, Dirty dancing, Cry baby, Hocus Pocus, Footloose, Jurassic park, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE etc...but BUT it is happening next month with Titanic. Y'all may feel bad for the poor sucker being forced to go with me. Though between us, he may end up the one crying at the end. Now in order to celebrate this here's a little Leo DiCaprio doodle for you guys. How cute was he in this movie? 

Not really the blog post I wanted to write, but at least it's something right? I'll be back sooner I hope, with a book review, of something really cute. Idk what happened but I don't read blood and gore and fantasy no more...sigh. Or maybe you'll get a write up of the suffering at the movies. That'll probably be an experience in it's own. Lol. 

“Selling my soul would be a lot easier if I could just find it.”

Before you start reading, this contains spoilers about The Dirt, so if you haven't watched it yet (shame on you) I suggest you stop reading right here. If you carry on though, don't say I didn't warn ya.

Perhaps you noticed that the critics aren't too fond of the movie. Well I say fuck the critics what do they know right? People are so negative about everything. Though I know, Crue being one of my fave bands I must be biased. I think The Rolling Stone actually wrote ''we finally get a Motley Crue movie and we'd like to return it for a better one''. Hell. 

I'm not sure what the issue is really, I refuse to read these critics reviews, what matters to me is that I love the movie. Of course it's no Bohemian Rhapsody but then again this band is a hell of a lot different then Queen are. What actually bothered me about the movie was that it was way too short, and actually robbed of a lot of the things that you can read in the book (which coming to think of it can't be all bad) to make me truly happy I'd obviously need a TV show, actually, any producers out there reading this? (I wish) can we make it happen? A TV show? That'd be nice. And if the complaints are about not enough music, their lives, endless parades of aftershow parties and craziness, well, I mean that was their life wasn't it? Or if it's about some of the things that aren't totally 100% accurate. Well shit guys, it's a movie...

I glanced through a couple of Facebook comments, some saying it's boring, some saying it's fake because nobody could actually be this crazy. Well guys, read the book,...

Now the movie, I first of thought the cast was just spot on. Really. They picked the right actors for the part. And I am so happy to see Iwan Rheon in a part that isn't Ramsay Bolton because boy I hated that dick. He was a wonderful Mick Mars and I just loved this new look on Mick. He was always the more private quiet one and it was great seeing him from this side. Loved the vampire pose he sleeps in, the way he calls Tommy ''Drummer'', loved his snarky remarks and that line about respecting women when they sit by the pool. Always loved Mick thought he was super badass but now I love him even more. 

Tommy Tommy Tommy, the cute crazy hyper golden retriever type. Machine Gun Kelly is the best. Like the best. Bo Rhap has Rami but The Dirt has MGK. Stealing his sisters pants? Lol, yes Tommy they DO look better on you.

And then you got Vince. This is the one band though where I never had the hots for the blond singer but the bass player. How weird huh? But guys, Daniel Webber is so badass. Portrays the bad boy so well. And we all know what a bad boy Vince was.

But let me tell you something, there's nothing quite like Nikki Sixx or Douglas Booth playing Nikki Sixx. He already killed me in that Zombie movie but this right here? I mean....

Like I am sorry but how dare you? Is this even legal? Or fair for that matter? Jesus Christ. Well don't mind me I'll just sit here with my tongue hanging out. We all know you're gorgeous now just stop it.

To be honest, book aside, after watching this movie I just feel extremely blessed that I got the chance to see them live, together, all of them. With the way they lived that is nothing short of a bloody miracle. Sure it was the final tour and it will never happen again but it was better seeing them once than never at all. The concert wasn't taken too well either btw, but hell, again I loved it. Would of loved it even more on stage but let's not go there. 

Just like I predicted, Nikki being a huge fucking mess in the movie literally hurt. I can't imagine the things he had to go through in his life, addiction is hell and I am honestly happy that he's fine and alive and happy now. The whole scene where he died in that ambulance car and the paramedic was like ''not today satan'' well that ripped out my heart. I wanna thank that man personally for not giving up on him. Nikki is just a huge role model for me, for overcoming all the crap and darkness in your life, to artistic influence to pretty much everything. I love that man. Bit too much I guess.

Second flood of tears came at that fucking accident. Gods that was terrible. Those two fucking idiots, sitting in the car drunk and stoned. There really is no apologies for it. Accidents will happen if you're iresponsible and do something so stupid, but blaming it all on Vince is just as stupid. They were BOTH drunk as fuck, Razzle could be the one driving and Vince could be the one that ended up dead. But some people saying that Skylar was his punishment, my god what is the matter with all of you?! Sky was a little innocent girl she did not deserve this, nor did her dad, for a stupid mistake he did. All those scenes with her in the hospital, and him with her, the things he tells her. Oh god my heart, I can't. It's so heartbreaking. 

This line ''I had managed The Scorpions, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, KISS. I had been dragged through the deepest shit with all kinds of mentally ill people. But I’ve never been through what Mötley Crüe put me through.''. I would gladly believe him after those scenes in the hotels, Ozzy's naked butt and licking piss, handcuffing the guys to their beds so they don't do stupid shit, the revolving door of women,...I get you Doc I totally do. It couldn't have been easy. But hey, you made it and after all Crue are an amazing band, and props, nobody died on your watch, well, only a little...

It made me feel a hell of a lot better though when Vince says in the movie that Theathre of pain is shit with the exception of two songs Smoking in the boys room and Home sweet home. Truth is those are the only two songs I like on that record too, else is really not my favourite thing on the planet, with the exception of inner sleeve art of course. Now that, that is perfection.

Actually come to think of it, what I love most about the movie is the ending. No not that it ends, shut up but the fact that, they're clean, sober and back together as they should be, the original line up, they release Dr. Feelgood which I am still convinced is one of the best albums on the planet and they go back on tour. That's the era I really wish I saw them in. The Dr. Feelgood era. God I love every single second of that album and those songs. Masterpiece.

I suppose here's the deal, if you're a fan then you need to check out this movie, you'll probably laugh and cry with me on the same scenes. But if you're just curious with some of the bands history then I suppose the movie is not for you, you'll be just as bitter and disappointed as the critics were. Point here is I love it, and will probably see it a couple hundred times more. Gotta have something for them long sleepless nights and what's better then some Crue.

Who you gonna call?

Did I mention the insane ammount of studying I still have to do? What kind of an idiot decides to go take exams in the summer? I should really take them in January. Who has the patience and motivation to study in this heat? I sure as hell don't. And for subjects this boring. I'm sorry but no wonder kids hate to read, the literature I'm studying...not only is it boring but I would rather bang my head into a wall till I drop dead then read this. They all die, they're all miserable, they're all suffering, they are all in pain. Excuse me what about my god damn pain? This is so stupid. And what do I get out of all of this? Nothing at all. I will probably forget what it's all about within a month becasue this will surely turn into a traumatic memory I will try real hard to block out and yet I'll still be ''stupid'' because I won't know shit about geography or life or how to write a god damn resume. Here's a wild idea. Why not teach kids mutual respect? Why not teach them how to be better, stronger, smarter, more tolerant instead of filling their heads with this nonsense that honestly doesn't improve your inteligence or skill at all. Why not teach useful life hacks like cooking or fixing things around your house, or for fuck sake a couple more languages? What do I know right? After all I'm ''just another brick in the wall''. Another sheep this country breed, too stupid to fight, too broken down to stand up for myself. Here's the problem I'm not like that. I am angry and bitter and miserable because, how should I put it? I see on the other side of the fence and I know life can be better but I feel like I stand alone. People learned to be so comfortable in their own misery they just lost all the ambition to fight and make their lives better. It's fucking frustrating! Good thing we have Pokemon Go to entertain the small minds of the population. I don't even know why I bother anymore...when there's millions of letters and emails from the people requesting a tv network to be ''examined'' by a doctor in a tv series and they are actually dumb enough not to realize he's an ACTOR NOT A DOCTOR...then I suppose all hope is lost.

In other news...what else did I do besides trying and failing at studying? I went to see the new Ghostbusters movie. Yep. Here's another geek factor you didn't know about me. I actually love the original two movies. I've read a million and one complaints online by what I asume were sexists saying that just like everything else feminism will ruin this movie as well, since the cast is all female. Well here's a big fuck you to all y'all because the movie was way better then the original two, funnier, better story, the cast is better and I won't even start with Chris Hemsworth he's so adorable and stupid in this movie you gotta love him.

If you like a funny stupid comedy I suggest you go see it. It really is a lot of fun. Now...Suicide squad next week. I'm so excited! I waited what feels like forever to see this movie. And honestly tuesday can't come soon enough. Geek what ya gonna do. Heh.

Now do you have any advice for me how to locate my motivation that has aparently been lost? No? *sigh* this is pointless really. Alright, wish me luck you guys. I'll need all the luck on this planet to get through this. And in the mean time go check out Of mice and men's new song it's called ''Real'' and it is absolutely sick. I could NOT love it anymore then I do. Amazing song. They put out album preorders as well, do be certain I'm getting one of those as well. Ha ha. Also they're on tour so if you're lucky enough to go see them I envy you. I most likely won't be as lucky this time around. Oh well. There's always next time right?

Take care guys, stay safe, stay cool, see you on monday with a little Bruce Springsteen.

Ho ho ho NO! Epic tale on how much I hate holidays along with a little Vampire Diaries, The Originals and Supernatural spoilers. Do not read on if you haven't seen the latest episodes! Or do but don't bitch at me after you do! :')

I decided to break my fridays only post silence. Wait. Does this sentence makes sense? Well either way you guys know what I'm trying to say. The thing is that I have SO much to say I just can't fit everything into one day in a week posts. There's so much passion for art and music and photography and everything else in me that it seems silly keeping it all back. I want to talk about several things today actually.

My life has gone through A LOT of changes lately and I've got to say most weren't for the good, I will not get into any particular details because as I've already stated this will not be the same personal detail sharing blog as the other one was. I'm only mentioning this because I noticed quite a few of my readers going through some difficult things themselves. Guys, I know what it feels like when you're just kinda ''there'', watching all your friends go out and do things and get into relationship and have people like them back and have fun and do stupid shit they regret later but still that stupid shit makes one hell of a story and you're just ''there''. People only like you every now and then when they have nobody else for entertaining but on the end of the day they wouldn't really care if you were gone. I know what it feels like not living only existing. And no matter how much you hate what I'm going to say next it's true. Things will get better. I've been through my fair share of storms and bullshit and things nobody my age should of been through but I made it and I'm still fighting now. And if I can so can you. High school sucks, people suck, your hometown and people around you probably aren't much better. But it's not always going to be like that. School doesn't last forever and neither does this feeling of emptiness and hoplessnes. It's completly okay to be sad and miserable at times but don't let it consume you. Sometimes it's hard to see but life really is beautiful if you live it. I want you to know if you're struggling with selfharm and you haven't done it in a month, a week or even a day I'm real proud of you, baby steps guys, even just wanting to get better is a huge step towards recovery. If you're struggling with depression and you're still here, still fighting, still kicking it's ass instead of letting it kick yours I'm so proud of you. You go you! Keep doing just that. It aint worth your life, or your skin, or your sadness.

Another thing that inspires depression and suicide, the holidays. Or better yet lonliness during the holidays. ''Most wonderful time of the year''? Fucking bullshit. Nothing is worse or more stressfull then the god damn holidays. I don't even understand why on earth does my family insist on celebrating Christmas while it's essentually a religious holiday and none of us is religious. Not to mention the whole fucking frenzy people fall into, the food, the gifts, the madness, I swear our local shopping malls are like a war zone. Can I please just get some milk and dog food? I don't want to buy a whole cart of food for the holidays because surprise surprise in our house we eat everyday and I see my family whenever I want to, I don't need no damn holidays for an excuse. Not to mention the whole fake happy family charade some people put on. There's members in my family that I don't like and I never will like and no damn Christmas will make me sit behind the table with a forced faked sweet smile saying how nice it is to see them. Uh no bitch, no. I don't like you and I don't have alzheimers to forget why I don't like you. I'm sorry but am I the only one bothered by celebrating the birth of some cosmic jewish zombie that was born to a thirteen yearold who magically got pregnant without an actual intercourse? Like for real? You don't even need to have much common sense to know that's bullshit. Not to mention it's all a damn lie ripped off the Norse ''pagan'' religion, basic history lesson but let's not go there because of course we are all entitled to our own opinions and beliefs so before you attack me keep in mind this is my personal space, I am free to express my opinion on it. I'm ranting because it would seem that my mother is in the holiday spirit herself this year as well. Which is beyond odd trust me. She's bought me an early ''Christmas present'' which don't get me wrong I was extremly grateful for specially because it was something I wanted for a long time but it's just out of character. Not to mention she's been annoying me to bake cookies with her for about a week now. If you knew my mother you'd knew this is about as normal as a hedgehog flying an airplane. Yeah. That weird. I found myself caving into that request at the end of the day not because I would actually enjoy it of get excited about it but because I was bribed with whiskey and my favorite type of cookies. This must be the worst thing about parent child relationship. To your parents you're way too predictable. Damn it. Well maybe I wouldn't be so bitter if there was Nikki Sixx or Chris Hemsworth under my Christmas tree on Christmas morning. Wait. Who am I kidding? A tree. Haha. On the couch. With a bow around his neck. Oh yes I'd like that. Hah.

How can a Christmas be marry and the new year be happy after Crue are calling it quits and Julie Plec is ruining all our lives. I swear the woman crossed all lines of sanity. What the hell is that?! And you know it really bothers me, I watched and loved that damn show for 6 years but this new season...it would be better if it never happened. Magical babies. My ass, Alaric could be pregnant with them and it would of made more sense, not to mention what the hell are you thinking?? Not very feministic of you it's not like Caroline wanted to get pregnant and it's not like vampires can even get pregnant. Now I understand that Candice was in fact pregnant and there was something you had to do but seriously??? Not to mention the whole jumping back and forth 3 years in the future and now, it's exhausting, and the whole Julien drama and Damon and Stefan being stabbed with some stupid ass magical blade, oh my god you're making my head hurt! And just when I thought that all hope is not yet lost and hey maybe the Originals will be better you go and kill off Cami who was one of the best characters on the show. Fucking brilliant! And you're trying to tell me that Klaus the super powerful hybrid would just lie there sleeping not sensing or hearing a damn thing while someone puts his fangs into the woman sleeping an inch away from him? Are you for real right now? So in the light of all this I decided that last weeks episodes were my last. The end. I will not watch this bullshit you call writing ever again. A monkey with a laptop could do better work. And it upsets me because the bitch ruined a good show. And btw people don't only watch because of Ian! Of course he's fucking gorgeous but there's others in there with mad talent okay. They're not props! They're actors with talent. Kay? Anyways as upset as I am I decided to distract myself with The game of thrones and The walking dead. I've been waiting to watch them for a long while and now is the perfect time. Of course I'll always have Supernatural. Even if that one is starting to piss me off as well. Sam always being the victim and the ''perfect'' brother is really upsetting. Sam is a selfish spoiled brat and it's about time Dean gets some love too. Why would somone ALWAYS have to take care of Sam? Why can't someone take care of Dean for a change. Not to mention I was not happy about his whole Amara makeout scene hello she was a god damn baby a month ago. Yuck.

Which brings us to another thing. A request actually. I've finally got around to draw another colored portrait. Yay me right. And some of you guys asked me to post step by step pictures. So here you go...

Click on it or open in a new window to zoom in. I'm sorry it's so dark, I've literally been drawing since 10 pm to 4 am while not being able to sleep and only had a small ammount of light next to me. Using a paint brush, for shading and removing eraser dust. It's amazing how much better it is to ''swipe'' off the dust instead of brushing it off with your hand. No smudging! Also technical 0,5 pencil, B and 2B pencils and regular 24 pack of colored pencils. All by Faber Castell. Let me tell you something you don't know what control is till it's 2 am and your pencil keeps breaking off and you want to curse it out but you can't because obviously it's 2 in the morning. Which by the way really REALLY pisses me off! Does nobody make quality pencils anymore or they just get thrown around in transport too much? I can't stand when I try to do a clear hard line and it fucking breaks off ruining the drawing. Jesus christ. But anyways here's the finished product, a better picture that is.

And! Time for the cat to be out of the bag if you know what I mean. Ha ha. Prints will be available in my store. You read that correctly. I'm starting a store. It's going to be through this amazing page called ''Redbubble'' and it should be up and running in January. I am over the moon excited to say the least. I mean scared too, there's so many artists on there that could kick my ass up and down the street but you know, just because someone else is better doesn't mean you're not good yourself. Something my best friend used to always tell me.

Alright this is getting insanely long and I need to get my nails done, in the holiday spirit. Meaning black of course. Hah. Got a date tonight, seeing the new Chris Hemsworth movie ''In the heart of the sea'' no idea what's it about aparently the story that inspired the legendary Moby Dick. Sounds interesting enough, besides we all know he could sit on a sofa reading a telephone book for 5 hours and I'll still watch it. Heh, so a date with 2 hours of this...

...sounds like the best date ever. Except of course a concert date. Heh. Enjoy y'all. Keep my date in your thoughts, it's not gonna be easy sitting through whole two hours of Chris Hemsworth with me. Heh. See you real soon. Hope your monday treated you decently and bless you if you made it all the way down to here through this long ass post.

Much love :*

P.S. Do note that the gif pictures and that Thor photoshop are not my work and the credit goes to the owners.