''To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong''

''Memories and plans forgone, pave the way for fear to spawn, to find a vein to feast upon. Hoping I become undone, but I'm not afraid. I'm unbreakable, can't defeat me, though I'm bleeding, Unbreakable, though I'm bending, I'll never break.''

Alright I know I promised a different blog today...and I'll post that one too I promise. Something different first, I was distracted. Distracted by fear. You heard me. Fear. I don't even know, is it anxiety, is it actual fear, am I going completly insane? I don't know what is it. I'm probably losing that last bit of sanity I was proud to *still* have.

You're supposed to always do exacty what you're afraid of. That means growth and growth can be painful. Aparently you're supposed to fail in life sometimes because if you don't you're not trying hard enough. I still believe that there is no such thing as failure, just lessons. Every ''failure'' teaches you something, brings you closer to something, or maybe on a different path altogether.

But the problem is that fear can consume you. Fear can hold you back from doing something you want to do, something you have to do. Fear can hold you back from someone...it can hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Fear is actually a prison. My friend used to tell me ''sugar, this is our world, beautiful and horrible things will happen, don't be afraid to live''. I miss him so much so much to be honest. I didn't know fear with him. I wasn't lost before. It's amazing how losing someone most important to you can fuck you up so badly. 2754 days later it still feels raw, it still hurts, it still makes me want to scream and cry and give up everything because life is so unfair. And what I hate most is that he would be so angry at me. Angry because of so many things I said I will do and I never did. It was easier to hide. Easier to never be brave and never follow my dreams. Easier to stop living and just surviving instead.

And the thing is I have so many regrets. I missed out on so much. So many experiences, so much life, so much...of everything. I regret the chances I didn't take and the memories I didn't make. And I learned the hard way that regret is way scarier then taking chances, even big scary ones. Regret is worse...

I took so many wrong turns, made so many bad decisions that I can barely count them. Which is why I decided that enough is enough. Maybe sometimes you have to wait to see where the cards fall, see how things play out. Maybe sometimes a decision you consider as a huge failure or regret and seems like the most catastrophic thing in the world isn't all that after all. Maybe it can end as something extraordinary. I think some of life's wildest journeys and best experiences can actually start by taking a wrong turn. So maybe being lost isn't the worst thing in the world?

Someone once told me ''fear is control of those who are afraid''. It was a different context but same thing. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to let fear control me, or influence my decisions. Thing is I am not okay, I am sad, I am hurt, angry, mad, disappointed and I have every right to be. But you know what? I'll put on a brave fucking face and move on. I am completly lost, the path I thought I was walking on disappeared a long time ago but that's alright. I found a new one, and though I am afraid...absolutelly terified to even step on it, I will. I will tackle life straight on like a head on collision and see what it brings me. I know my family doesn't agree, I know I might be doing another huge mistake, but thing is, I don't want to sit here again in 5 years writing another post about things I regret. No. I want to write a post about things I accomplished, things I've seen, people I've met.

I want to learn how to love myself. How to love my life. How to make the best out of it. I want to enjoy the little things like waking up when the entire world is still asleep, drink hot coffee, listen to the first birds sing and watch the sunrise. I want to be able to go to the train station, buy a ticket to nowhere and just get lost for a few days, experience something new, meet someone on the train that's wearing my favorite band's shirt or reading my favorite book and start a conversation, make a new friend...I've got to stop taking things personally and let them hurt me. I have to STOP letting people's opinions of what's best for me control what is actually best for me. Maybe I don't know either but I sure as hell know better then people who don't know me.

I need to learn how to let go, how not to get upset or hurt over things that won't even matter in 6 months no more. I wanna get lost at an art fair or a music festival, complimenting random people about things they're insecure about. I got to stop worrying about what to tell people, how to make some fake excuses for myself, I don't need to explain myself to anyone. What you see is what you get you either like it or you don't. I got to stop worrying about other people's opinions about me, guess what? They don't matter. They don't know me. People love to talk but they'll never know what they're talking about in the first place. And I got to stop stressing myself about everything and everyone. I just need to stop being afraid of everything and breathe.

Life is supposed to be like art, messy, bold, colorful, different, amazing, influence your emotions...so that's why to everyone doubting me, everyone forcing their opinions down on me, everyone saying what I should be doing in my life instead of asking me what I really want to do, everyone convinced they know what's best for me, everyone who made me so afraid of everything with their doubts and ideas...Hakuna Matata bitches, you only live once and it's about time I actually start living. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to from now on and I won't listen to anyone anymore. If I want that damn tattoo I'll get it, if I want to go out take a couple of tequila shots and dance the night away I will, if I don't want to accept the job you're offering me because you think I need any job I can get just so I'm working I won't take it, life is too short to be anything but happy. And if the path I chose to follow doesn't feel right for you I won't care. I know it's right, because it's what I want and that's the only thing that matters. You know what I have to say to that? Make mistakes, make as many as you can, get lost, change your college major 5 times if you have to, get a carreer in political science because there's no way you'll get a job, live, laugh, breathe, so one day when you look back you won't be guessing what you want to be, and you won't be lost and most importantly, you won't have any regrets.

Learn how to be...

Metallica, cara mia!

What did I do this week? Went to a beer fountain. The first one in Europe I've been told. Pretty amazing huh? Located in my old town. A town I miss sometimes to be honest. I miss it more then I'm willing to admit. Either way it's also a town known for it's hops so building a beer fountain in the middle of it is nothing but a great idea. Here's the deal, you buy a mug which you can later keep, it's microchipped and allows you to try 100ml of each of the 5 different types of beer. All different beer, three of them light, two dark. Of course let me point out this is not a place to get drunk at, it's a controlled envirovment meant purely for promoting the culture and history of this tiny town. Hopefully this means more tourists, more life in the city, more beer lovers in the city? It is in fact the very center of hop growing in this country. After all they already have a museum which offers hop picking demonstrations and beer tastings.

Cheers! Or ''Na zdravje'' as we say in Slovenia ;)

And what did I do today to cure a ''bad day'' and rainy blues? Stuff my face with waffles in my favorite hotel...seems a healthier option then drinking yourself into oblivion. Thing is sometimes I am just so done. SO done with people. I said this before I don't consider myself above everyone or the smartest or the best in everything but for fuck sake people are really getting unbearable. We are selling an apartment right, and everything inside that apartment and dealing with people who anwser your adds is becoming hard work. I know I know, don't let it get to you, it doesn't even matter. It really doesn't but when you get about 50 fucking emails and they're all fucking around with you. Which sane person wouldn't snap? I have things for free, I have things for symbolic price. Like three or five euros and these fucking idiots who let me point out NEVER saw me in their lives email me shit like ''will you drop the price if I tell you you're pretty?''. Are you fucking kidding me? What kinda sexist bullshit is that? It's offensive. You wouldn't say that to a man would you? Seriously fuck off. Then there's people who want to buy books for like five euros and have shipping included in that price. Which with our post means not only me giving them books for free but also paying for their shipping because it would cost a hell of a lot more then five euros. And then when I refuse I'm a ''rude bitch'' are you fucking kidding me?! Fuck all of you. Don't get me started on the furniture. So many people want it so many people are interested but they either want it for free or want me to deliver it. Is this a fucking joke? What the hell is the matter with you? So not only you want me to give you valueble stuff for free but you want me to literally deliver it too? Fuck off. I can't do this no more. I literally can NOT deal with this level of stupidity anymore. Is there no normal people left? Not even one?! God save me from this place before I loose my mind. Jesus christ. But alright, deep breath, calm down. It's not even worth it. Enough negativity, how about I share some quotes that I absolutely love by Charles Bukowski?

''There is a place in the heart that will never be filled; a space. And even during the best moments, and the greatest times, we will know it.''

''Human relationships are strange. I mean, you are with one person a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together, and then it stops.''

''Something else is hurting you - that’s why you need pot or whiskey, or whips and rubber suits, or screaming music turned so f*cking loud you can’t think.''

''The area dividing the brain and the soul is affected in many ways by experience. Some lose all mind and become soul: insane. Some lose all soul and become mind: intellectual. Some lose both and become: accepted.''

''Stop insisting on clearing your head — clear your fucking heart instead.''

''The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.''

Perfect aren't they? And speaking of perfect...this just came out...

And trust me when I say this it is absolutely amazing. Pain is so relatable to me I fell in love with it the moment I heard it. But either way the entire record is amazing. I absolutely adore it, maybe not as much as Restoring force but that doesn't mean it's not just as good if not even better. Give it a chance sometime it really is a good album. Now excuse me while I turn it up and sob because they're coming to Europe and I'm going to have to miss them. I hate it. *sigh* Enjoy the weekend guys, don't let the rain get you down ;)

Stressed, depressed but well dressed.

You don't know exhaustion till you're waking up more tired then you went to bed to. I don't think it's body tired, I think it's emotionally exhausted. I can't wait till next weekend, when the first part of these exams is over with. They are taking a huge toll on me and I honestly don't even know how much more I can take. I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm dizzy, I get no sleep whatsoever, my hair is falling out more from all the stress, my muscles are always tense and hurting, and let's not even begin with my mind. I don't know where my head is lately. I'm all over the place. I honestly can't wait till it ends. Which brings us to another thing...I have nothing against learning, I love it actually, I love reading, you know what they say knowlege is power but the pathological demand for grades is insane. You are more then a number or a letter grading your work. A grade does not define your inteligence. I mean honestly without stressing and obsessing with grades I honestly think kids would learn A LOT more. What's the point even? I study like crazy just for that one final mark and how much you think stays in my head two months later? Nothing is the anwser. What if we studied all year, relaxed, without the worry about a grade at the end of it. Just simple learning. Wouldn't that be better? Wouldn't kids learn more and better without the stress and anxiety and crying over exams that seem all too hard? What do you think? But what do I know right. I get called stupid and naiive daily. ''I may be young but honey I aint naiive''...or something along those lines. Either way, no time to rant or complain today, so much to do and so little time to do it. I won't be around on monday either. Exams...*sigh* wish me luck you guys not only I have a really hard exam on tuesday but I have another annoying dentist appointment as well. It's like playing a game ''let's see how much stress Nikki can take before she breaks down''. Yup pretty much...Before I go though, I'd like to share my last drawing with you guys, it's Johnny Depp from the movie Dark Shadows which just happens to be one of my favorite movies...it's quick and it's sloopy but I like it anyways...

Aight, enjoy your week-end I sure as hell won't and I'll see y'all on friday, hopefully I'll have much more to say then then I do today. Cheers!

Wave after wave. I'm slowly drifting, drifting away. And it feels like I'm drowning...

You know how they say stress is a silent killer? If that's true I'm as good as dead in the next week or so. The past two months I'm pretty sure I wasn't even human anymore but just like 80% stress and 20% water. And I am so tired. And so done. I get it life is not pretty or perfect but this is just seriously too much. I know I know. Just a little bit more then I'm done but it's not as easy. The problem is there's no reward to look after all this. Like I drive myself insane, studying as hard as I study. My grades are all between 90 and 100% and I ask myself what the fuck for? It's not like there's a light at the end of the tunnel or better yet a job. And even if there is it's not something I want to do, or something I'd love to do. It's just something to cause me more stress and anxiety. Either because I won't have a job or because I'll work a job I'll hate. There's a lot to look forward to in my future isn't it? I know IF I'm lucky enough to even get a job I should be thankful and shut up and stop complaining. Well fuck no. This is not the world I want to live in. Where people are miserable and stressed all their lives, working a job they hate barely surviving on it as is. Or working hard each month and barely make a living. This is just...I don't know it bothers me so much. And the problem is people are so fucking numb. They don't care. They get comfortable in their own hell and don't want to do anything to improve it. This is what frustrates me so much. Don't you want your lives to be better? Happier? Free? Do you enjoy worrying and stress and being walked on? What the hell is the matter with you? Here's the thing. People might be comfortable living like that but I'm not. I'm different. Maybe that's the artistic side of me. I know artists rearly fit into their envirovment. Well go figure I haven't noticed. Maybe that's why I'm so angry and so frustrated lately. Because everything bothers me. This country, the politics, the people, the stupidity, the hate, the economy. Everything is driving me fucking mad. I get to a point where people just breathing in my direction makes me want to kill them. And I don't know what the problem is. Is it me or is it everyone around me but I came to a point where I can't handle the stupidity anymore. I don't carry myself high or think I'm above all the rest but I do believe I'm smarter then most idiots in this god damn place. The shit people write online...unbefuckinglivable. I can't even comprehend that there's so much stupid in a single human body. And then there's all the hate. You think different, you look different, you believe in different things and suddenly you're a nazi or a fascist or rasist or whatever else people come up with. I've been called so many names lately I don't even remember them all anymore. And I am just done. Fine you don't agree with me. I don't care nobody is forcing you to stay in my life. You don't see the world as I do. Fucking fantastic I am not forcing my opinions down on you, you're completly free to walk away any second. What I do demand is respect. I am done playing nice and stupid. I am 24 yes. But I am not a fucking idiot. I don't need to experience life before I comment on your stupid ass posts. Just because I'm younger and you're older doesn't mean you're smarter. You can be old and stupid. I will not be walked on and I will not back down. I have my opinions I have my beliefs and they're different I'm aware but fucking fuck you they're mine and I have every right to have them while you have absolutely no fucking right to try and change me, to force me into your box, to even think you have any right to tell me how to live my life. Or to tell me what's wrong and what's right. And I will not stand a minute of it. My life. My choices. My mistakes. My problem. That's all there is to it. I still prefer all the nasty names you chose to call me because I know I got them while being willing to fight for something I believe in which is more then I can say for all you bitches. Yapping online with annonymous names. So brave you are. Really. Fuck you. Fuck all of you. I'm done. Done with this place, done with this town and fucking done with all the people.

I wish I was somewhere on a beach, sipping something strong, forgetting that the world around me even exists. Wishfull thinking...

Stick to your guns.

So you want to be the big time some people have to drag you down. There's no living in the backseat if you're gonna drive through town. And when you pray for independence, boy, you better stand your ground.

You got to give it all you got now or you might get shot down, fight hard until the battle is won.

What would you guys say it's the best way to handle stress? By figuring out what's causing it? Alright. Done that but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't erase the thing that's causing it out of my life and I sure as hell can't currently make it better. By doing what you love to do? Okay...here's the problem due to so much stress and pressure I'm currently under I can't even enjoy the things I love anymore. I feel anxious and guilty if I drop the things I'm supposed to be doing for just one minute. By managing your time well? I've never been good at that. No matter how well I divide my time there's always too little of it. I swear days should have 34 hours for me to get everything done. I honestly envy the people who have their shit together and can get everything done and even get a full night of sleep after. By learning the difference between worrying and caring. “Worrying is an attempt to exert control over the future by thinking about it,” whereas caring is taking action...or so I heard. A psychologist wrote a fairly good example of this “If you are away from home for a week, you can worry about your houseplants every single day and still return home to find them brown and wilted. Worrying is not watering.” Stressing over things you can do nothing about is silly I know but how do you turn it off? I tend to worry about the stupidest things. Things that aren't even mine to worry about. It's easy to say you don't care, it's easy pretending while it's eating at you on the inside. Maybe you can reduce stress by embracing mistakes? Or at least if you stop suffocating yourself with perfectonism. I curse the artist in me because if things aren't perfect they aren't good enough for me and I hate that about myself. Mistakes are healthy, you learn from them and yet I do my very best to avoid them. Which is probably not the best thing I could be doing. Maybe I should just say fuck it and take a couple wrong turns? Maybe you're supposed to get lost sometimes. What do I know right? I was clearly not made to be an adult...

Maybe I should just stick to the only therapy I know works best...

This must be my favorite Bon Jovi album, I mean I like pretty much all of their music but New Jersey is my favorite. Slippery when wet is such a good record but this one...holy shit. I am so in love with Lay your hands on me as is but when you put this record on and it starts with that beat...if I close my eyes I feel like I'm back at the stadium and there's 60 000 people screaming with me. I can hear them, I can see the band, I get so lost in the memory. It's amazing. One of my fondest memories. Then you've got Bad medicine which is such a fun song ''hold on, wait a minute, I gotta do it again'' hah. And Torres is quite impressive on it. And then there's the classics like Born to be my baby and I'll be there for you and Living in sin. Such great songs to be honest. I don't even remember when I first started listening to this band. It's been years...it was always playing in my mothers car along with Guns n' Roses. And I always loved it. But I don't think Runaway was what really hooked me I think it was actually Living on a prayer. How cliche the bands biggest hit. I know. But despite everything Living on a prayer is an amazing song nobody can't deny that. I've seen them live twice and both times Living on a prayer though the last song was my favorite moment. Both times the fans did the song justice screaming it so loud I couldn't even hear the band anymore and it was such an amazing moment. Standing couple of meters away from the stage, with 60 000 people around you, screaming those lyrics as loud as they can back to the band...I can't put it into words what an amazing feeling that really is. The show in Milan was an amazing show, Jon was getting so much shit after Sambora left and I know at the end of the day it was toughest on him. He didn't just loose a band member but also a friend and people bitching at him and returning tickets on that tour really pissed me off. That's why I was so happy when Italy went above and beyond to show him the support he deserved. And I've seen the Boss and I've seen the Stones but Bon Jovi in Milan will remain my favorite gig forever. It was amazing. I love all the songs on this album, I love the biggest hits obviously but I gotta say my favorite song is Stick to your guns, putting Jon's cowboy obsession aside this song is perfect, it's about standing your ground, it's about not backing down even if you're scared and even if things get hard. Hell I'm about ready to give up many times, sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I had enough, and sometimes I just can't take it no more. But I never do. This might sound stupid but I don't give up because I don't want to disappoint my ''heroes''. The people I look up to. Hey it might be a dumb fucking reason but it keeps me going when things get hard. I guess at the end of the day my music does in fact inspire me to be better and to do better. What inspires you guys? Art? Poetry? Music? Love? Something else? Feel free to leave a comment or email me if you're shy. I'd love to hear it. Mondays suck and I wish I could have another weekend after the weekend to get some sleep but when was life ever that easy? Well have a good week, take care of one another, stay safe and I'll see you on friday!

Stick to your guns ain't nobody gonna hurt you, baby, you can go for the trigger but only if you have to. Aim from the heart some will love and some will curse you, baby, and you can go to war, but only if you have to.

Well, you know that I been through it I got the scars to prove it, fight hard and the Battle is yours.