Life after you.

''All that I'm after is a life full of laughter as long as I'm laughing with you, and I think that all that still matters is love ever after after the life we've been through, cause I know there's no life after you.''

Why do people romanticize heartbreak? What is romantic or even beautiful about it? What is romantic about sitting in your shower at 2 am trying to contain your sobs. Nothing romantic about smoking just to help you remember how to breathe properly. It's not romantic looking for love at the bottom of a vodka bottle. It's not romantic when you just want to punch something, someone, anything, and you keep doing it until your knuckles are bruised and bleeding. It's not romantic when you wake up in the morning and wonder how did you even survive last night with the crushing sadness that literally caused you chest pain and wondering if you can make it through another such day. There is nothing romantic about reading old messages over and over and over again until it hurts so much that it's not just chest pain but pain all over your body. It's not romantic holding on to your sink, staring at the mirror and just begging yourself to keep going. What's romantic about something so tragic? So painful? So devastating? Something so lonely and hard? You don't just leave a person you love behind, you leave behind hopes, dreams, what if's, chances of what could be a fairytale type happiness.

Excuse me for dreaming. Dreaming that that forever still exists. Dreaming that true love is real. Dreaming that you actually get to spend all of your sunsets with that one person. Your person. But I guess in this world…there is no love left. No empathy. No compassion. 

I guess my question here is, if you get a second chance at all this. Happiness. Love. Forever. How do you trust someone who's hurt you in the past? Left your heart, if I put it poetically, bleeding broken on the floor? How do you know this time this is it? How do you know it won't happen again? Do you hope they learned their lesson? Do you hope second time around things will be different? Better? That history will not repeat itself? Nobody can guarantee that, you can only hope. You can only take that leap of faith…

I can't believe I'm even thinking about that silver screen type reunion. You know the one? When a hug so tight feels like it can put all your broken pieces back together. I can't believe I'm thinking sad stories with a hopless future can have a happy ending. I can't believe I'm letting myself dream that this is possible. I just can't. I can't be dreaming that the very person who subjected me to so much pain and sadness could be the one to take it all away. But then again if pickles and peanut butter work, why couldn't this? 

In a way I know that I could / should try to look for something new, but I also know that wherever I go I'll just be looking for what I had. And in a way all I wanna do is kiss him and kiss him again until there's nothing left but happiness. And in a way I just want to feel like home again, because nothing feels like home right now. No place. No people. Nothing besides his arms. And in a way I want him to get drunk and tell me how he really feels. No bullshit just feelings. And in a way I want to stop listening to songs and thinking of nothing but how it relates to him, and me, and us. And in a way I want to stop wondering how to move on from him when the truth is that nobody makes me feel quite like him. When it's bad it's bad yeah but when it's good, god it's so good. 

And then you know it just dawns on me. Am I losing my damn mind? Am I holding on to misery and calling it hope instead? And it dawns on me, hell I must really hate myself to be so madly fucking in love with him. And it's just like a friend of mine told me ''everything you love will kill you one day, cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or them boys with pretty blue eyes, they all kill you in the end''. Yeah. 

What do you do when you're in the eye of the storm? A tornado of emotions? Why are you willing to forget all the pain and all the hurt? Because you're crazy? Sadistic? A hopless romantic? A dreamer?

I don't even know, all I know is that I am tired of feeling like this. Tired of missing him. Tired of hurting. Tired of being sad and lonely and crying. Tired of everything. Tired of dreaming. Tired of wishing. Tired of drowning and the heartache and the desire. And I guess if I can take it all away, then I would in a heart beat even if it meant that I could end up even more broken in the end. 

Don't be fooled by your emptiness, there's so much more room for happiness.

''All of our gods have abandoned us.''

Do you know the empty feeling? That emptiness after you lose someone or something? The emptiness when you let go of your dreams because you're looking for other people's approval? The emptiness that hits you after you stop caring for yourself and push yourself so hard for your career or school or whatever it is that is slowly killing you...or being numb, feeling like work is unsatisfying, feeling like you're unsuccessful in everything you do, feeling like your relationship is unfulfilling and nothing is exciting anymore...you know that feeling? Do you think maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love? Or maybe people are draining us, you give so much of yourself to someone and then they just walk away...Do you ever wonder how can a person be so happy and so full of life and then suddenly so empty? Where does it all go? Do you feel like no matter what you do it will never be good enough? Like you will never be good enough? Do you know that feeling when you're in a really good mood and then there's always something, a word, a thing you see, a person, a thought, that makes you go ''oh'' and you suddenly feel empty and your chest hurts and you feel nausious like the world around you it literally falling apart. Or that feeling when you just feel too much and then nothing at the same time. Sounds crazy doesn't it?

''Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.''

— Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

But maybe, just maybe emotions should be like this. They're supposed to be brutal, strong, raw, passionate. You don't want someone to ''kinda'', ''sorta'', ''maybe'' love you, you want love that consumes you, you want it strong and wild, you want it to be a bonfire not a candle. So I guess that's why the negative emotions are just as strong. Here's the deal guys I get it. It hurts and it sucks and it feels like you're going mad and you feel like you can't take it no more. I get it, you're not alone. You feel like you're in a really dark place but I promise you there will be light as well. You're going to be alright. You need to accept that things won't be okay a while longer, then fight like hell, because someday....someday you'll be alright and all this will be a bad memory. You need to understand that being positive isn't always happy, it's knowing that things are bad but also knowing that they won't be bad forever. I promise you that one day it'll just ''click'', you'll just know. You will realize what's truly important and what isn't. You'll realize who is important and who isn't. You will learn to care less about things that don't matter, people that don't matter, things people say about you. You'll learn to care more about what YOU think of yourself because that's what truly matters after all. You'll realize how far you've come and you'll remember all the times you were a mess but recovered. And you will smile. You know why? Because you'll be proud of the person you grew up to be, the person you fought to be. Be proud of yourself, of everything you do, may it be a little thing or a big one. All this is just temporary, the pain is temporary. You know what they say about arrows right? An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards so if life is pulling you back then just look at this this way, it won't always be bad, someday you will be that arrow, aiming for greatness, all you got to do is believe and be willing to fight.

Thing is, holidays are coming up and just like each year people get into this shopping frenzy. And this family is coming over and that family is coming over and blah blah blah...you know how it goes. Well I hate it. Not the holidays itself, I don't mind if you like to celebrate then by all means do it. What I hate is the shopping malls that are basically forcing you to buy buy buy and all I think about is what about those people who have nothing? Who can't afford their children gifts? How must they be feeling looking at all this? It's absolutely disgusting and unfair. How about people suffering from whatever illness? They're spending holidays in hospitals, there's nothing ''jolly'' about the holidays for them. Or of course people that don't have family. People that miss their family and people who don't get along with their families. Not everybody lives in a Hallmark card. There are kids out there and grown ups for who the holidays are nothing but anxious and stressful events.

Which brings us to my point. I know that things can get hard during these days, so if you feel awful, empty, hopless, if you feel like crying that's alright, if you want someone to listen, I'm here, I don't care if we know eachother or not, I'll listen and do anything I can to make you feel a little less awful. You are not alone.

You can always email me *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* or if you want to be annonymous leave me an ask on my tumblr *sweetchildofrocknroll.tumblr.com* don't be afraid to come talk, I don't care if we never talked before you can come and rant about your day if it makes you feel better, I'll be here to listen, because lord knows that's all we need sometimes someone to listen and care. A friend to help us through.

Stay safe out there guys, be kind and look after eachother.

Nothing compares to you.

I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.

Frances Willard

I'm not going to rant about music today even if that is the only thing keeping me happy and sane lately. I'm going to talk about something else. I spent the weekend outside sitting on my parked car reading some interesting material my friend sent me who just happens to be a psychologist. I've been feeling all kinds of crazy lately. I mean I've been feeling that way for a long long damn long time. So long I forgot what happy is like. I honestly don't remember what's it like being really happy, unless you count those few hours at a concert every now and then. But fully, completly happy. I have no idea what that is. Anyways lately things went from bad to worse I literally thought I am going insane. But now I read some of these things and honestly believe it or not I feel better. A little bit at least...the notes were from different books, books that talks about gifted children, young adults and adults in general. I never considered myself to be ''gifted'' or god forbid even inteligent or smart, but I came to realize that's not because of me. That's because of this place where I live. All my life all people did was bring me down, all they ever did was shut me up, told me I'm stupid, told me I know nothing, told me all I believe in is wrong or dumb. And it wasn't but obviously being put down for so long makes you believe them. And I was wrong for letting them get to me. Here are some things from various web sites that were also mentioned in the books.

Gifted people tend to have high moral standards, a strong sense of what's wrong and what is right, a sense about how others should be treated, it hurts them to see others mistreat each other, animals or the environment. I can't stress this enough, I can't scream it loud enough how much animal cruelty, wars, destroying the rain forrest pisses me off. I just can't. I can't scream loud enough how much I hate it when people mock me for my vegetarian - cruelty free lifestyle.

Gifted people are very passionate about what they love, about what interests them. What absorbs them – absorbs them. They easily devote their energy to what moves them. Yes. My art, my music, my photography. I don't care about nothing around me. I get so lost in what I'm doing the world around me just melts away.

Gifted people are independent, not followers. They don't do well in groups, they don't have the patience to work with people, they don't admire authority, they see people for who they are, they value people for what they are, who they are not their positions or place in the world. Yeah so damn true. I hate group work, I thought I was antisocial to a point where it stopped me from working with other people but turns out that's not it at all. I work better on my own. Either work, school, whatever it is...I am much better doing it alone. It's funny but I fell completly in love with that one Bon Jovi song ''we weren't born to follow'' I felt like it really ''spoke to me''. I can't follow someone, I can't be a blinded sheep. That's not me. I can't do that.

Depression or boredom if they are not engaged. Because much of what is in the world is simply noise for the gifted person, they may avoid stimulus. In fact, as a gifted person they require stimulus in the areas of their passions. Without the proper stimulus, their gifts can turn against them. Need I say more? I feel like I'm going out of my skin when I got nothing to do, when I'm not challenged properly. I can't even draw simple things no more, everything has to be a challenge for me or I'll get bored with it. It's almost like I'm bored with the simple things.

Feeling something is wrong with them because they are unlike others. Living as a minority, it can take a great effort to stop comparing yourself to others. One tends to compare one’s level of energy, number of friends, activity level, personality with that of others....I just...I can't even describe how true this is. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like something is wrong with me 24/7. Why the hell can't I keep up a ''normal'' conversation? Why can't I connect with people? Why the fuck am I so different? Am I really that fucking strange? Is it me or everyone around me? It's annoying and it's torture in a way. I don't want to be so lonely but it's like I don't even have a choice.

Seeing outcomes before they occur. They tend to jump ahead. This can occur when they read, listen to someone talk or when they consider an issue. They often see what has not happened yet. Outcomes seems obvious to them because they are considering the variables in a way many are not. Hah. This one would explain why I always predict movie endings and I'm usually right too. Or telling people around me that doing something will end bad...it's exhausting fighting with people who just don't seem to understand. It's exhausting trying to explain to them why I'm right and they're wrong. Because honestly I'm not full of myself but in 90% of times I am in fact right.

Little interest in much of what interests others. They don’t find themselves easily absorbed in what interests others; events, activities, news or reading matter. They want to go deeper than most. YES! Thank you! All I hear from people around me is that I'm boring, that I have no interests, that all I care about is my music and my art. Well it's not fucking true, it's just that you don't care or understand things I care about, things that interest me. I am not interested in petty little ''events'' happening in town on the weekend, I mean cool something's happening but they're just not for me. I don't care. And I'm not boring because of it, I just care about other things. Other things I never get to experience where I live, other things you know nothing about, or care about, or understand...then again why bother everyone just asumes I like stupid things.

A rapid learner in the fields of their gifts. They tend to have natural abilities without formal training. They are rapid learners in the area of their gifts and creative thinkers, seeing beyond the given. Anything I say beyond this point is going to be bragging but it's the truth that when it came to learning another language or mastering a new type of drawing or learning a song or chords, it came real easy to me. I thought it was a god given talent because part of my family is artistic but as I put it in another post, there's no fairies with magic dust. There's only you, your hard work and dedication.

Many skills or interests. Many (but not all) gifted people find themselves gifted in more than one area. This can make focusing energies and prioritizing very difficult. True story. Life is so short though, there's so much to see, so much to experience, why settle down for just one thing? Why be stuck doing something you don't even like all your life. For some ''financial security'' or feeling of safety or what the fuck? That doesn't sound like living to me at all, more like surviving.

People that are gifted approach the world and problems differently than others. They may be concerned about things that do not concern others. This is a perfect explanation of all those ''god Nikki why do you bother?'' ''It's not your problem, why do you care?'' ''You can't change this so why are you bitching about it?'' Yup. About sums it up.

Gifted adults crave interchanging ideas with other gifted adults and many love to engage in intense intellectual discussions. Maybe that's why I always end up fighting with others. I can't make them understand things on my level because they just can't and I can't lower myself down to theirs.

One of the most outstanding features of gifted adults is their sense of humor which differs from others and consists often of subtle jokes, intricate teasing or puns. Gifted people often find that their jokes are received with silence because they are not understood. Sounds about right yeah or a lot of ''what?'' or ''what are you talking about?''.

Gifted adults need time for inner life experiences, and to understand themselves. Because it takes quiet time to clarify thoughts and feelings, gifted adults need contemplation, solitude and daydreaming. And this explains why I like being alone but hate being lonely. I don't mind spending time on my own. I love it actually, with nobody bothering me, not having to explain anything to anyone. It's the lonely I hate...and yes there is a difference. If you even had to ask then I can't even make you understand...

Gifted adults relate best to others who share their interests. Gifted adults may have a small circle of friends or sometimes only one, but the relationships are meaningful. Which brings us back to lonliness. This explains why I feel the way I feel. I can't connect with people because there are no people that would share my interests, that would be even a little bit like me. And while people tell me I need to ''grow up'' that's just not it.

Gifted adults are independent thinkers who do not just automatically accept the decisions of their supervisors. They function well in a participatory community and with those who are accepting of their attitudes and innovations. Which is kinda the same thing as the leader follower thing. Don't expect me to fall in line and do what you say. That's not me. I have a brain I can think and decide for myself...

And then we get to a point where you say ''okay this is maybe excatly what's ''wrong'' with me, now what?''. Gifted people tend to suffer, just my luck aye? High levels of stress, anxiety, agitation, depression sometimes even suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. I refuse to comment on this at all because it's basically describing my everyday life. The problem occurs when people do not realize what the problem is and give them wrong ''treatment'' which just worsens the situation. Their condition and symptoms worsen, they do not improve and oftentimes they will be blamed or blame themselves for their worsening condition or lack of improvement. *sigh* Tell me about it...

''When gifted, talented and creative adults are involved intellectually, emotionally, or artistically with others who think and act as they do, have a safe and understanding environment in which they can fully be themselves, and have supportive connections their sense of well-being, happiness and self esteem increase, so does their creativity and productivity.''

Aparently talented, gifted, creative people need other people they can relate to and love or believe in activities they are engaged in or they'll become off balance, emotionally, mentally, lose interest, have doubts about themselves, their abilities, have self doubt, blame, overwork with a tendency to burn out, they wont enjoy work or even their life, they'll isolate themselves, suffer from feeling like they're not good enough...

What can I say to all this? It's a blessing and a curse it would seem. I got some clarity, maybe more then from every IQ test I took so far, which all came out between 120-130. It makes me feel a little better feeling that maybe I'm not insane after all and a little worse because if all this is true then I'm just condemned to be lonely for the most of my life or waiting on a miracle. A miracle which means people that are at least a little bit like me. Or admit defeat and change to fit in with the rest, which is not only insane and something I'd never do but also I don't know how. I don't know how to be ''normal''. Maybe that's good after all, normal is a setting on a blowdryer or a washing machine, who would want to be that?

''Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.''

She's got a little wild fire burning in her angel eyes, probably ain't never been lost after midnight.

I apologize for being missing in action this past monday. Life got in the way. I was just too busy. Not so much with working then with some me time. I did a new drawing, did some reading, listened to some new music. It was great to be honest. Sometimes I just really need a break, but don't we all? The country girl in me usually wins, I'm so frustrated in the city, I hate the damn mall, I hate the concrete, I hate the people really. Aint nothing better then sitting outside on the sun, in a meadow or on top of a hill, sketching, not a living soul around you. Yes yes my ''people patience'' is getting worse. I know. I don't know what's that about...are there really just idiots around me or...? *sigh* confusing really. My mother told me that living on Alaska where there's more dogs then people would be perfect for me. Am I really the only one seeing heaven here? More dogs then people? Hello? Paradise! Hah. Aight. I'm missing a concert today. Not happy about that. Local guys, amazing bands really, good friends too. But on the other hand movie night sounds just as good. Fuck. I'm getting old aren't I? Speaking of...I'm turning 24 soon. In about a week. And I am dreading it. Not because it would be a high age. Ah no not at all. I'm dreading it because fuck I'm 24 now. It was always ''what are you going to do when you grow up?'' well guess what? I'm all grown up and I still have no fucking idea. I'm terrified. What the hell do I want to do? Everything and nothing? I don't know...I love so many things, I have so many interests, I want to travel everywhere, I want to see all the bands, I want so many things and some seem so impossible from where I stand and it's scary. Time to get serious, time to make a move, do something, be serious about life. It's scary. If I had it my way I'd have a house in Georgia, a couple horses, probably a farm and life would be good. Yeah. I'd like that. But life isn't a fairytale and as easy is it? I'm not afraid of working hard don't think I am. Specially not if it's working for myself, doing something that matters, knowing I'm working for myself not 20 other people who sit on their asses scratching their balls all day. The only problem is that I'm afraid I suppose, starting something from nothing is scary. Like moving half a world away is. But if you never do it you never know right? You need to take risks, you need to ''work hard and play hard'' right? I suppose so. So here's what I really want for my birthday I guess...some clarity. Finally knowing what I want, finally feeling like I belong, not so damn lost, like a fucking alien. Sounds like a fucking party I know. But lately I am just so miserable in this place, with these people, with this life...it's a mess. Not all those who wander are lost yes, but I think I am. Quite lost. Damn it. Something has to change and that hit me today. I have dimples when I smile right...and someone who sees me everyday asked me today if I still have them. It's just a silly question but to me it was a slap in the face or a bucket of cold fucking water. People haven't seen me smile in so long they don't remember how it looks like...speaks volumes doesn't it? Ah well, something's gotta give right? The wheel always spins back and if things are bad now doesn't mean they'll always be that way...

Enough moping, let's move on to better things. I got the new Florida Georgia Line album of Itunes and fell in love with it. Yep. That good. I really like it. It's called Dig your roots, if y'all like country music, check it out, if not, well maybe if you're curious take a look, might like it. I especially like the song ''Good girl, bad boy'', ''Smooth'', ''Dig your roots'' and ''God, your mama and me'' which is actually with Backstreet boys, so bad for my rock and roll rep but shit I love it...

Here's a little something to end this post with. Spent way over 20 hours working on this drawing, almost tearing my hair out because drawing in color is hell but somehow I made it through. It was hard but I'm pleased with the end result. It's Eleanor Tomlinson and Aidan Turner as Demelza and Ross Poldark in the tv show Poldark which I may or may not love a little too much. And the other is just a quick snap of the night sky I took tonight, wishing airplanes were shooting stars...

Alright let me put on some Warrant, Motley, Guns and Skid to get outta the mood I'm in. Funny how all these bands I love most are either ''over'' or incomplete...

Enjoy your weekend guys, do something fun or stay in watching Netflix both is cool. Stay safe.

Cause tramps like us, baby we were born to run.

Do you ever feel disconnected? From your surroundings, family, friends...yourself even? God lately I feel like everything is wrong. I'm trying to study. Trying to move from this point I'm stuck at and it's just not working out. Nothing really changes no matter how much I try and it's making me so frustrated. I feel disconnected even from my art. And that's the worst part. I love art, it's the biggest part of me and when I fuck that up then I know it's bad. What the hell do you do? How do you ground yourself? How do you start feeling like you again? I feel like everything is just out of control and I don't know what to do to make it better. People around me drive me mad, I don't know if it's them or if it's me...something just doesn't feel right. I feel like I don't belong. I feel like there's no place I actually belong and it's a horrible feeling. You know what's it like? Being home, where you're supposed to be, where you belong and feeling like a god damn alien...a stranger...a freak... You know what it feels like when even in your relationship everything feels wrong? When maybe love just isn't enough? You feel like and everything and nothing is wrong and you just can't pin point the problem? Yeah...maybe I live in a fairytale or in a sappy romantic comedy where the guy chases the girl down the airport profesing his undying love to her and then proposes and it's all cupcakes and rainbows? Yeah...maybe I live in an illusion. Love in this century is a bloody nightmare, everyone is a liar, everyone plays games, everyone cheats, everyone hurts people just for the fun of it. Nobody is exclusive. There is no trust, there is no love. If something is bothering you, if you're unhappy you just leave or cheat, nobody is willing to talk, to build together, to stay together...who the fuck taught us to love like this?! That this is right? That this what it should be like? I want cliche kisses in photobooths. I want candid pictures when I'm not looking, cute snapshots someone posts online saying how happy they feel to have me in their life. I want fucking roadtrips with widows down, soft rock playing on the radio, feet on the dash, and nothing but time to waste. No plan, no hurry, just going wherever we feel like going. I don't want just love, I want passion, I want hands clasped tight together during...you know...I want easy sundays, making late breakfast in nothing but big tshirts, smiles and no rush just enjoying the morning together. I want tv show marathones and movie nights and making out during breaks. I want I love you's, you're so beautiful and all the fucking pet names you can think of. My friend always says someday you'll wake up next to your person and everything is going to be alright. But that someday feels too far away and lately none of it feels right. There's just one thing that's right in my life right now...

I've been listening to Thunder Road a lot. It just makes sense. It makes everything better. I've had this record before but unfortunally lost it, my old one didn't have a poster though so I suppose everything is right again. Let me take a second to thank the kind soul who sold this one to me again, he knows who he is, I'm just very grateful for it. Bruce just makes me a lot happier.

I believe when Bruce went on to making this album he said he was going to make the ''greatest rock n roll record ever''. You think he made it happen or not? I honestly have to say that despite my huge obsession and undying love for him this isn't my favorite rock n roll album. But all that aside Born to run is amazing, absolutely flawless from start to finish. It's like every other Boss's album and song, telling it's own story. Thing is despite everything Born to run is one of the best rock albums ever. The lyrics, the melody, the whole package, Bruce held nothing back, he gave us everything he had proving that he works just as hard on stage and in the studio. If you sit down and just listen from Thunder road to Jungleland it's like you're watching a movie or reading a classic novel. Now how many albums or artists do you know that can do that? That can make you feel like that? Like you're watching a movie? It's quite honestly breathtaking. And timeless, you know what black and white movies are like, like Breakfast at Tiffany's? Well that's the same. This album hasn't aged a bit. It's just as amazing now as it was when it was released. I heard Born to run live both times I saw him and it was so amazing. I'm sometimes jealous of people who haven't experienced it yet. People who have yet to discover the Boss. I wish I could take that journey again. First time I put on that record that changed my life, first time I saw him live. The rush, the excitment. It was an experience I tell you that. I think I love Born to run so much because it speaks volumes and with so much meaning. I think pretty much everyone can relate to being trapped in a dead end suburban town when there's nothing you'd want more then run away. Point is, if you like Bruce then you already have this, you know what it means and you understand. If you don't then you're doing life wrong, don't think twice about getting it. The passion, the innocence, the power, the life in these songs...they had a mad effect on me and I wouldn't change it for the world. Y'all need to understand that this is the album that woke up the music industry and honestly the fact that now 40 years later Bruce is still the Boss and still has such a huge impact on music and is such an important artist says everything about him, his work, his talent, his character. I always loved and respected music I know it can change lives, just look at Live Aid but I think I truly understood the power and the message when I saw the Boss live for the first time. I will never forget the ''spirit speech'' he gave us or what it was like when he sang Born in the U.S.A. and at some point he let the crowd sing and there were 60 000 people screaming those lyrics as loud as they could. It was an unbelievable experience. The lyrics, the musicians, the energy between the Boss and the crowd, between the E street band...spectacular. Please do me a favor and give this album a shot in case you don't have it yet. You will be amazed I promise. And do right by Bruce, play it loud, make sure the neighbors hear it is well and most important enjoy it. Cheers!

I'm fading into the night.

The lights go down in another town, there's a music echo through the night. Another stage, another sold out crowd, something just don't feel right. I get so lonely here sometimes, wishing you were here tonight. I'll be fading into the night, maybe this time we'll finally get it right. I can't explain it, I won't even try, with a little faith we'll finally get it right.

How can I miss things I never had? Things I never knew, things that were never mine to begin with? How can I crave something I don't know? How can I miss something I have no right to miss? How can I miss people who done nothing but hurt me? How sadistic do I have to be to miss those people? Maybe because they made me believe they care. I feel like in some stupid teenage soap opera lying in the middle of my bed staring at the wall, listening to the sappiest rock ballads my iPod can produce. See the thing is I know I'm better off without them, and I know I'm happier, most days at least, but sometimes I miss certain things. And don't ask me what those are because I couldn't give you an anwser, something is just missing I suppose. And I'm afraid, afraid I'll forget. I don't want to forget things, though sometimes I may wrack my brain and still can't remember...how someone's voice sounds, their laugh, a smile maybe and I hate myself for it...

Jesus I went dark again. What did y'all do this week? I was lazy. I got nothing done. I'll hit myself on the head some other time for it. I needed a little breather. We should all take some more time for ourselves to be fair. So many tense and stressed out people, it aint helping no one not you and not the people around you. Remember to stop, slow down, take a deep breath. It's going to be alright.

What I did get done was get a new phone and nearly lost my mind while downloading all the apps and contacts into the new one. Why do they have to keep updating phones? I don't even want a new one every two years. I want one good one for good. Is that too damn much to ask for? Now this new one...it's amazing not going to lie, but why on earth would a need a phone that turns into a remote? Or wants to work out with me? Come on be serious all the work out I do is running my fingers over the keyboard. And all the options and reminders and ''making my life easy'' thingys. I mean no wonder people are so damn dumb if their phones think instead of them. And to think all that and it still doesn't have an option that would cancel a text while sending it. Now that's too much...or solar cells on the back so when the battery is dead it recharges itself. That's also too much huh?

And I also changed my hair color a bit. And I was going for purple but it ended up being red. I love it either way but my stubborn hair really knows how to piss me the fuck off. Though it's a good thing that at least for once all of my hair is the same color. Usually it was about 2 - 3 colors but at the moment it looks perfect. You know what I love though? The conditioners that you get with hair dye, it makes your hair so soft and shiny...

So, my boys from Simple plan posted a new video on tuesday called ''Singing in the rain'' make sure you check it out because it's absolutely perfect! Then again everything they do is perfect. Hah. And enjoy your weekend guys, there's probably a sugar coma from all the ice cream for me and binge watching Game of thrones. And probably comfort from not being able to solve one single math problem in my book. What the fuck? Seriously they might as well be Korean or Chinese because I just don't get it. I better go, take care of one another guys stay safe, see ya monday.

Staying up all night, we're cheating time, talking about our hopes and our dreams. When you wake up, I'll be gone, just a memory. I get so crazy here sometimes, you can't tell the days from nights. I'll be fading into the night, maybe this time we'll finally get it right.