Be Merry, stay Scary.

I know, I know. Your annual ''how I hate Christmas'' blog is missing. I'd like to say I'm older and wiser now, or that I changed my mind and started celebrating it, but lets be serious we all know that's not the case. What's different this year is that maybe I've done some soul searching or looking into myself, or that deep dark pit that's supposed to be my soul (tbh it's M.I.A.) and realised some things. 

First one being I still despise Christmas movies and music with a burning passion, they're tacky, overly joyful and just tastless. That aint ever going to change. If I hear that god awful disgusting whatever it is song (you know the one? Mariah Carey sings it?) again I might actually massacre half this town. ''All I want for Christmas''? Is for you to shut up. Second thing is that people just go into a frenzy. Like literally people are insane, with their mass buying and forced smiles, and fake ''oh I love my family so much'' bullshit, arguing over parking spaces and last article of god knows what in stores…yeah I can't stand that. Don't mind me just on an urgent tampon run but it feels like I have to battle 7 levels of inferno first before I get them. 

I hate hate HATE the consumers market revolving around a family. The Christian type family that is. Mom, dad, kids. I have nothing against it btw, but I have a whole lot against it being forced down our throats like that. News flash, a lot of kids don't have what you call a ''normal family'' (what even is normal anyway), a lot of us don't have a functioning family at all, and honestly? It's painful watching all this. It really is. Don't you think all kids want that? Don't you think I want that? I hate the marketing of a million products we have to buy in order to be happy. Sigh. A lot of people can't afford the bare needs no more so guess what Santa is skipping their kids this  Christmas. How do you think they feel? I honestly hate that. 

But I think the biggest thing for me might be a form of PTSD. There hasn't been one. Just fucking ONE December without arguing in my house. I haven't had one nice holiday since I was like eight yearsold celebrating it somewhere up in the mountains. But really, it's always the same. I dread December because for me it's filled with screaming, pointless arguments, slamming doors and silent mass. And it's hell. I would honestly enjoy some tacky lights, and poorly wrapped presents and pumpkin spice everything and just for a few hours forgetting the world outside and just having a nice quiet family meal. It seems to me we can't even do that no more. Everything turns into an argument. Either political, religious or just completely idiotic as in why are your car keys on the counter and not in the hallway. As if it freaking matters. It's my problem when I can't find them aint it? 

I didn't mean the fake smiles and fake happiness and just forcing to get through it with a bottle of wine and stupid jokes type family events which I have been suffering through in the past and only recently realised the full aspect of how fake they actually were. I meant…I don't even know really, y'all watched Supernatural? In season 3 there's a ''a very Supernatural Christmas'' episode. The brothers are somewhere on the road alone, and they make do with like a branch with car fresheners instead of ornaments and silly gas station gifts, but it's not that that matters but them, celebrating, because they are family and each other is all they really need? Kinda like that. Or maybe like when I was actually little like five and up and my dad and I did a nativity scene with dinosaurs that ate baby Jesus. Well might be a bit disrespectful now that I think about it but it's still a fond memory. And we actually made food together, and ate together and watched Die Hard which is still the best Christmas movie out there. Do not fight me on this. 

Maybe I wasn't as bitter if I didn't lose everyone I cared most about in December, if I didn't argue with my family non stop, if I didn't get lawsuits from the rest of my family and the bank a day before the holiday start, if I felt like there is something to celebrate after all. Maybe if the forced happiness wouldn't make me gag and if people around me were nicer even if just playing nice. Idk. Maybe that would change things. But until it does I'll sit here with a bottle of wine because aint nothing that dulls the pain like Rose, and here's to hoping that a concert I really wanted to see tonight happens. If not it will the fourth in the row this month to be cancelled. Ah 2022 the gift that never stops giving aye.

But my bitterness aside I wish you guys a very Merry Christmas, to all you celebrate, I hope you have a great time, with your families whatever type of family it is, with your kids, partners, cats, plants. Whatever floats your boat. And to the rest of you who don't celebrate, I hope you find the strength to get through it, lord knows it aint easy, and if you want just a tiny sprinkle of holidays in your life, may I suggest a cute book to read?

Cheers, may the booze flow slow and the time pass fast. 

''When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, may luck be yours on Halloween.''

HO HO NO

Hello December...how about hell no December? The month where people go into a frenzy, everyone is fake cheerful and when you're just not sharing their sudden Kanye party mode you're the Grinch. Uh oh sweetheart let me tell you something about December. Despite the fact that I hate how many anniversaries there are in my family on December, is there anything to really be cheerful about? Next year is going to be just as fucked up if not more then this one. And even if I try and look at the world optimistically, it doesn't work that way. Times we live in are hard. I don't see the need to celebrate the new year with a future as uncertain as ours is right now. I'm bloody terified not excited. I don't understand people who buy tons of food and have family over and eat themselves into oblivion like they haven't eaten all year long. If you want to see your family don't wait up for Christmas. If you're uncomfortable with your family don't think you have to ''suck it up'' just because it's Christmas. I can't stand how I can't even buy milk and cereal without it turning into hunger games in every shopping mall in December. What is up with people? Tip; I may be polite but inside I am screaming and tearing your head clean off with my own bare hands. People and their small talk, all they talk about is cooking, and Christmas plans and preparations and then more cooking. I hate the looks I get when I tell them I couldn't care less because guess what I don't eat meat. ''You don't eat meat?! But your poor parents! How do you do Christmas in your house then?? How can you not eat meat? But wouldn't you just try some, it's the holidays after all!''. I didn't know being vegetarian is seasonal. Talking to people is exhausting. Why is it that everyone just gets this fake happy chirpy voice when wishing you a good holiday? Why is it that I get told I need to ''cheer up'' when I don't have said voice? I will cheer up when this madness is over thank you very much. I know I said this before but I'm saying it again. And this goes to every shopping mall in existance you are all animals! How dare you put out Christmas crap before it's even Halloween?! And TV stations...Christmas movies suck. And radio stations...Christmas music is shit. All I want for Christmas? Is for you to stop playing that awful song! Except our local Rock Radio they decided to boycott Christmas music. Bless your kind souls, you must be some sort of angels. Do you know that depression and suicide spikes up during the holidays. Really. I don't see why at all, the family obligations, the frenzied travel plans, mortifying debt, living of so little and watching people spend so much, it's a bloody miracle people don't jump of a bridge on the spot. Let's face it Christmas is no longer a holiday, it's hell. Who the hell decided that festive clothing is a thing? Seriously, who was it? There's a special place in hell reserved just for you my friend. And the wine...oh god don't get me started on that one, did you ever sit around sipping a nice glass of red wine thiking oh you know what? This would be much better if it was scalding hot, full of tiny tree trunks and sugar...yeah me neither. Starbucks and their cups. Oh my god. I take it we all saw the revolution the red cups caused? Jesus christ. And this starts in the winter season not just December, everything is pumpkin spiced, Christmas cookies, sandwiches and ''crimble crumble''? Whatever that is...can you just please get me my drink, misspell my name and calm the fuck down before I pumpkin spice your ass. Does anyone know what's the point behind Christmas tress? Except of course murdering trees? Honest to god I'm curious...Why is it that people suddenly enjoy walks so much? And in the snow! Tell you what, you go out on a walk and leave me with my ton of pillows and blankets in front of the tv. And make it a long walk too. What is even enjoyable about snow? It's cold, it's wet, it's a half frozen dirty messy goo on the groud. I mean if you're not a dog or a six yearold I really don't see the appeal. Christmas is essentially Jesus's birthday, so if you're not religious...?

Now before you start throwing your Christmas ornaments at me, or whatever else is closest...I got nothing against celebrating, in fact I am forced to sit through a Christmas lunch with the family each year. This may be the source of the problem. Hah. We do gifts as well and pretend we're all oh so happy and get along so well. It's funny because I actually like sending holiday cards and getting little presents for my friends, nothing huge just a small thing to make them know I care, it's everything else that I don't like or care for. But you know...if you can't beat them join them, so if nothing else there's a tradition I do have and honor. My best friend and I watch this movie together each year while taking shots and listing things about the holiday season we hate. Sounds like fun right...

Pretty sure Jack doesn't sing ''the fuck is this, the fuck is that, the fuck is you'' but I prefer this version so much more. Alright, if you're in the holiday spirit, happy holidays, enjoy your favorite month, don't let nothing rain down on your parade and if you're like me...may the odds be ever in your favor, let the force be with you, stay strong guys, I'll see you on the other side.

P.S. Simple plan has a new video out, it's called Perfectly perfect, it's not that I cried because of it, I full on sobbed because of it. It is absolutely beautiful, so you maybe want to go check it out.

Don't be fooled by your emptiness, there's so much more room for happiness.

''All of our gods have abandoned us.''

Do you know the empty feeling? That emptiness after you lose someone or something? The emptiness when you let go of your dreams because you're looking for other people's approval? The emptiness that hits you after you stop caring for yourself and push yourself so hard for your career or school or whatever it is that is slowly killing you...or being numb, feeling like work is unsatisfying, feeling like you're unsuccessful in everything you do, feeling like your relationship is unfulfilling and nothing is exciting anymore...you know that feeling? Do you think maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love? Or maybe people are draining us, you give so much of yourself to someone and then they just walk away...Do you ever wonder how can a person be so happy and so full of life and then suddenly so empty? Where does it all go? Do you feel like no matter what you do it will never be good enough? Like you will never be good enough? Do you know that feeling when you're in a really good mood and then there's always something, a word, a thing you see, a person, a thought, that makes you go ''oh'' and you suddenly feel empty and your chest hurts and you feel nausious like the world around you it literally falling apart. Or that feeling when you just feel too much and then nothing at the same time. Sounds crazy doesn't it?

''Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it. That’s what I’ve taken from the therapy sessions: the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.''

— Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

But maybe, just maybe emotions should be like this. They're supposed to be brutal, strong, raw, passionate. You don't want someone to ''kinda'', ''sorta'', ''maybe'' love you, you want love that consumes you, you want it strong and wild, you want it to be a bonfire not a candle. So I guess that's why the negative emotions are just as strong. Here's the deal guys I get it. It hurts and it sucks and it feels like you're going mad and you feel like you can't take it no more. I get it, you're not alone. You feel like you're in a really dark place but I promise you there will be light as well. You're going to be alright. You need to accept that things won't be okay a while longer, then fight like hell, because someday....someday you'll be alright and all this will be a bad memory. You need to understand that being positive isn't always happy, it's knowing that things are bad but also knowing that they won't be bad forever. I promise you that one day it'll just ''click'', you'll just know. You will realize what's truly important and what isn't. You'll realize who is important and who isn't. You will learn to care less about things that don't matter, people that don't matter, things people say about you. You'll learn to care more about what YOU think of yourself because that's what truly matters after all. You'll realize how far you've come and you'll remember all the times you were a mess but recovered. And you will smile. You know why? Because you'll be proud of the person you grew up to be, the person you fought to be. Be proud of yourself, of everything you do, may it be a little thing or a big one. All this is just temporary, the pain is temporary. You know what they say about arrows right? An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards so if life is pulling you back then just look at this this way, it won't always be bad, someday you will be that arrow, aiming for greatness, all you got to do is believe and be willing to fight.

Thing is, holidays are coming up and just like each year people get into this shopping frenzy. And this family is coming over and that family is coming over and blah blah blah...you know how it goes. Well I hate it. Not the holidays itself, I don't mind if you like to celebrate then by all means do it. What I hate is the shopping malls that are basically forcing you to buy buy buy and all I think about is what about those people who have nothing? Who can't afford their children gifts? How must they be feeling looking at all this? It's absolutely disgusting and unfair. How about people suffering from whatever illness? They're spending holidays in hospitals, there's nothing ''jolly'' about the holidays for them. Or of course people that don't have family. People that miss their family and people who don't get along with their families. Not everybody lives in a Hallmark card. There are kids out there and grown ups for who the holidays are nothing but anxious and stressful events.

Which brings us to my point. I know that things can get hard during these days, so if you feel awful, empty, hopless, if you feel like crying that's alright, if you want someone to listen, I'm here, I don't care if we know eachother or not, I'll listen and do anything I can to make you feel a little less awful. You are not alone.

You can always email me *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* or if you want to be annonymous leave me an ask on my tumblr *sweetchildofrocknroll.tumblr.com* don't be afraid to come talk, I don't care if we never talked before you can come and rant about your day if it makes you feel better, I'll be here to listen, because lord knows that's all we need sometimes someone to listen and care. A friend to help us through.

Stay safe out there guys, be kind and look after eachother.

She comes like electric lover, she got me reeling got me losing control.

Alright family...another monday. Ugh. I hate mondays. This one even more because it's a holiday. Some holiday alright. I'm not sure if it's Easter or the end of the world. Pretty sure I've seen two older women beating the shit out of eachother for the last ham. Uh excuse me? What are we doing? The hunger games? Are you absolutely insane? I thought the point is spending time with your family if anything not stuffing your face into oblivion. Jesus Christ. Since you probably noticed I am not a fan of the holidays at all. Valentines day disgusts me and Christmas makes me want to murder first George Michael for that god awful song and then every single person that says Merry Christmas. These are religious holidays, I'm not religious, I don't appreciate having then pushed down my throat for the sake of your ''tradition''. Also I hate people who go to church, invite the whole family over, make a bunch of food and do all the shenanigans for the sake of ''tradition''. Uh excuse you? There's always place and time for new traditions. Wanna have Christmas in July? Go for it. Who the fuck can tell you you can't do that? Feel like coloring eggs in November? Why the fuck not? People are too close minded they live in their god damn boxes and thinking they have to do what society tells them to do in order to be excepted. Well fuck that. That's no way to live. Feels more like a prison to me. I find it so idiotic when people stare at me like I have two heads when I say I don't celebrate nor Easter and nor Christmas. I don't care about your god. He could be doing backflips butt naked on top of Mt Everest and I wouldn't care. I find it hypocritical that saying I believe in Odin, Thor, Balder, Frey, Freya, Loki...makes me insane, make people laugh themselves to death but believing into a man that turned water into wine, walked on water, a virgin birth of a child by a child, a talking snake, incest, well that's so damn normal right? Let me just point out that Easter actually is a rip off of the Pagans. ''Easter'' comes from the Saxon Goddess ''Eostre''. The easter bunny and the whole egg hunt comes from German Pagan myths. And the whole image of the ''god'' buried in his tomb only to rise again on Easter is in fact a Pagan one. This day actually marked spring therefore rebirth. That's all there is to it. But can we just take a look how confusing Easter really is? I mean if you grow up Christian alright you get the ''point'' of it but if you're like me...all the religion I got was from Supernatural and Dr. Who then you're just sitting here thinking ''what the fuck is the matter with these people??''. I mean a giant rabbit *huh?* hides eggs *what?* in your house or in your backyard, then you go on an ''egg hunt'' and when you've found them congratulations you have an egg. Of maybe if you're lucky a chocolate egg because who really wants a hardboiled egg thats been burried under a god damn bush anyways? I mean I remember finding out the Tooth fairy and Santa are fake but nobody ever told me the Bunny isn't real because honestly I just knew that that's fucking bullshit in my head. A giant rabbit. Rabbits don't lay eggs. Such fucking nonsense. Can you for a moment imagine you forget one of the eggs you hid in your house for the hunt? Now that's the kinda smell I don't need in my life thanks. And the last thing that bothers me is the whole corruptive part of it. It's not a family holiday it's a lets pull as much money we can from stupid people type holiday. When I was a kid my family did a sort of Easter thing because everyone in my daycare was religious so I wouldn't feel ''left out''. To be honest I never minded being different or special in that way but still they tried bless their souls. Point is when I was a kid, for easter the bunny brought candy or fruit, or like a small toy or something yet these days the bunnys seem to be fucking billionares. The other day in front of me at the store there was a woman, obviously buying presents for Easter, she spent way over 100 fucking euros and I remember just gawking at her. Jesus fucking christ lady are you insane? Though while we are on the present subject...I was informed that there is a ''Benedict Cumberbatch chocolate easter bunny'' and to be fair I wouldn't be opposed to having that as a present. Hah. On a serious note, I don't care what you believe, what you celebrate. In a free world you're allowed to do whatever the fuck you please, all I want is a little breather to those of us who don't. I don't care about no pope, the mass, all the religious crap *you have a commandment ''thou shall not kill'' yet there's meat on your table during Easter? Funny* the traditions, your god damn family, the lent, the fact that all you really do is eat yourself into a coma. Your problem, just stop staring at me like I'm insane or thinking I'm insane because I don't do religious holidays. Get it? Got it? Good. I'm done. Happy Holidays, spend it with people that matter to you, even if it is by yourself listening to music. Sometimes you is the most important to you and that's completly okay.

Alright back to my music. Which is of course far more important then any holiday ever will be...

This was actually the first brand new record that I got. Thing is I listen to very little music made after like 95. Let's be honest. Good music just died after 2000. So therefore most my records are first press the 80's or the 90's a couple of them even older from the 70's and I have a few from the 60's that are in surprisingly good condition. Now I always saw the guys from Guns as Guns n' Roses it was rather hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that they're all individuals and make music on their own. Insanely good music that is. I found myself falling in love with Duff's voice. Man he can sing. But that's not the point. Slash is a guitar god. Whatever he does is amazing. I mean this was his third solo album and all the fucking killer riffs and tasty solos...jesus christ orgasm on a vinyl. I think I like this one best to be honest. First two were awesome but this...this one is perfect. The songwriting is more consistent, the songs feel more hard driving, the entire album feels like it just sucks you in and makes you listen from start to finish. The riffs in 30 years to life, Shadow life, Wicked stone were like the best of Slash's work, not counting the early GN'R of course. I mean Wicked stone would feel right at home on a Guns album and let's not even start with 30 years to life where Slash doubled up with a rhythm guitar to create a mindblowing rock anthem. I absolutely adore Miles' voice on Stone blind, reminds me so much of Axl Rose in Brownstone. And to be fair I had never heard a sick riff - solo as there is in Withered Delilah and at the end of Beneath the Savage sun. Fucking guitar genius I tell you that. I love that it ends with The Unholy because it has this dark vibe it kinda fits together you know? And on the end of the day Miles is completly underrated. His voice is amazing. Alter Bridge are such a good band and when you throw those vocals together with the insanity that is Slash you get a completly mindblowing combination that leaves you gasping on the ground begging for more. Hah. See what I did there? On a serious note it really is amazing, such a great album, the music, the lyrics, the vocals. All of it is perfect. Now though I already expressed which songs I feel are the best, the song I enjoy most is actually Dirty girl. Long story for another time but it's my favorite even if some people called it a ''filler'' that makes the record too long. Not. Anyways if you're a fan of either Alter Bridge, Guns n' Roses or just rock music in general, go pick this one up because you won't regret it. If you don't...well you don't know what you're missing.

I can't wait to see it, you just won't believe it the things she does. There may never be two ways about it. Everything she do just turns me on. Anything I need she gonna find it put it where I know it don't belong. She gonna go all night yeah, she does like it when you take it real slow, online my dirty girl. She make me feel alright yeah, she runs clean until the lights are down low say, online my dirty girl.

I can't wait to see it, you just don't believe it the things she does. Anything you like she gonna show it from behind a pixelated view. Drop another dime she will expose it, do the things that no one else will do. She gonna go all night yeah, she does like it when you take it real slow, online my dirty girl. She make me feel alright yeah, she runs clean until the lights are down low say, online my dirty girl.

Oh my dirty girl she gets the best of me but I keep coming back for more.

P.S. The Walking dead...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Don't mind me I'll just sit here crying myself to death. How dare you?!