Nothing compares to you.

I would not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.

Frances Willard

I'm not going to rant about music today even if that is the only thing keeping me happy and sane lately. I'm going to talk about something else. I spent the weekend outside sitting on my parked car reading some interesting material my friend sent me who just happens to be a psychologist. I've been feeling all kinds of crazy lately. I mean I've been feeling that way for a long long damn long time. So long I forgot what happy is like. I honestly don't remember what's it like being really happy, unless you count those few hours at a concert every now and then. But fully, completly happy. I have no idea what that is. Anyways lately things went from bad to worse I literally thought I am going insane. But now I read some of these things and honestly believe it or not I feel better. A little bit at least...the notes were from different books, books that talks about gifted children, young adults and adults in general. I never considered myself to be ''gifted'' or god forbid even inteligent or smart, but I came to realize that's not because of me. That's because of this place where I live. All my life all people did was bring me down, all they ever did was shut me up, told me I'm stupid, told me I know nothing, told me all I believe in is wrong or dumb. And it wasn't but obviously being put down for so long makes you believe them. And I was wrong for letting them get to me. Here are some things from various web sites that were also mentioned in the books.

Gifted people tend to have high moral standards, a strong sense of what's wrong and what is right, a sense about how others should be treated, it hurts them to see others mistreat each other, animals or the environment. I can't stress this enough, I can't scream it loud enough how much animal cruelty, wars, destroying the rain forrest pisses me off. I just can't. I can't scream loud enough how much I hate it when people mock me for my vegetarian - cruelty free lifestyle.

Gifted people are very passionate about what they love, about what interests them. What absorbs them – absorbs them. They easily devote their energy to what moves them. Yes. My art, my music, my photography. I don't care about nothing around me. I get so lost in what I'm doing the world around me just melts away.

Gifted people are independent, not followers. They don't do well in groups, they don't have the patience to work with people, they don't admire authority, they see people for who they are, they value people for what they are, who they are not their positions or place in the world. Yeah so damn true. I hate group work, I thought I was antisocial to a point where it stopped me from working with other people but turns out that's not it at all. I work better on my own. Either work, school, whatever it is...I am much better doing it alone. It's funny but I fell completly in love with that one Bon Jovi song ''we weren't born to follow'' I felt like it really ''spoke to me''. I can't follow someone, I can't be a blinded sheep. That's not me. I can't do that.

Depression or boredom if they are not engaged. Because much of what is in the world is simply noise for the gifted person, they may avoid stimulus. In fact, as a gifted person they require stimulus in the areas of their passions. Without the proper stimulus, their gifts can turn against them. Need I say more? I feel like I'm going out of my skin when I got nothing to do, when I'm not challenged properly. I can't even draw simple things no more, everything has to be a challenge for me or I'll get bored with it. It's almost like I'm bored with the simple things.

Feeling something is wrong with them because they are unlike others. Living as a minority, it can take a great effort to stop comparing yourself to others. One tends to compare one’s level of energy, number of friends, activity level, personality with that of others....I just...I can't even describe how true this is. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like something is wrong with me 24/7. Why the hell can't I keep up a ''normal'' conversation? Why can't I connect with people? Why the fuck am I so different? Am I really that fucking strange? Is it me or everyone around me? It's annoying and it's torture in a way. I don't want to be so lonely but it's like I don't even have a choice.

Seeing outcomes before they occur. They tend to jump ahead. This can occur when they read, listen to someone talk or when they consider an issue. They often see what has not happened yet. Outcomes seems obvious to them because they are considering the variables in a way many are not. Hah. This one would explain why I always predict movie endings and I'm usually right too. Or telling people around me that doing something will end bad...it's exhausting fighting with people who just don't seem to understand. It's exhausting trying to explain to them why I'm right and they're wrong. Because honestly I'm not full of myself but in 90% of times I am in fact right.

Little interest in much of what interests others. They don’t find themselves easily absorbed in what interests others; events, activities, news or reading matter. They want to go deeper than most. YES! Thank you! All I hear from people around me is that I'm boring, that I have no interests, that all I care about is my music and my art. Well it's not fucking true, it's just that you don't care or understand things I care about, things that interest me. I am not interested in petty little ''events'' happening in town on the weekend, I mean cool something's happening but they're just not for me. I don't care. And I'm not boring because of it, I just care about other things. Other things I never get to experience where I live, other things you know nothing about, or care about, or understand...then again why bother everyone just asumes I like stupid things.

A rapid learner in the fields of their gifts. They tend to have natural abilities without formal training. They are rapid learners in the area of their gifts and creative thinkers, seeing beyond the given. Anything I say beyond this point is going to be bragging but it's the truth that when it came to learning another language or mastering a new type of drawing or learning a song or chords, it came real easy to me. I thought it was a god given talent because part of my family is artistic but as I put it in another post, there's no fairies with magic dust. There's only you, your hard work and dedication.

Many skills or interests. Many (but not all) gifted people find themselves gifted in more than one area. This can make focusing energies and prioritizing very difficult. True story. Life is so short though, there's so much to see, so much to experience, why settle down for just one thing? Why be stuck doing something you don't even like all your life. For some ''financial security'' or feeling of safety or what the fuck? That doesn't sound like living to me at all, more like surviving.

People that are gifted approach the world and problems differently than others. They may be concerned about things that do not concern others. This is a perfect explanation of all those ''god Nikki why do you bother?'' ''It's not your problem, why do you care?'' ''You can't change this so why are you bitching about it?'' Yup. About sums it up.

Gifted adults crave interchanging ideas with other gifted adults and many love to engage in intense intellectual discussions. Maybe that's why I always end up fighting with others. I can't make them understand things on my level because they just can't and I can't lower myself down to theirs.

One of the most outstanding features of gifted adults is their sense of humor which differs from others and consists often of subtle jokes, intricate teasing or puns. Gifted people often find that their jokes are received with silence because they are not understood. Sounds about right yeah or a lot of ''what?'' or ''what are you talking about?''.

Gifted adults need time for inner life experiences, and to understand themselves. Because it takes quiet time to clarify thoughts and feelings, gifted adults need contemplation, solitude and daydreaming. And this explains why I like being alone but hate being lonely. I don't mind spending time on my own. I love it actually, with nobody bothering me, not having to explain anything to anyone. It's the lonely I hate...and yes there is a difference. If you even had to ask then I can't even make you understand...

Gifted adults relate best to others who share their interests. Gifted adults may have a small circle of friends or sometimes only one, but the relationships are meaningful. Which brings us back to lonliness. This explains why I feel the way I feel. I can't connect with people because there are no people that would share my interests, that would be even a little bit like me. And while people tell me I need to ''grow up'' that's just not it.

Gifted adults are independent thinkers who do not just automatically accept the decisions of their supervisors. They function well in a participatory community and with those who are accepting of their attitudes and innovations. Which is kinda the same thing as the leader follower thing. Don't expect me to fall in line and do what you say. That's not me. I have a brain I can think and decide for myself...

And then we get to a point where you say ''okay this is maybe excatly what's ''wrong'' with me, now what?''. Gifted people tend to suffer, just my luck aye? High levels of stress, anxiety, agitation, depression sometimes even suicidal thoughts are not uncommon. I refuse to comment on this at all because it's basically describing my everyday life. The problem occurs when people do not realize what the problem is and give them wrong ''treatment'' which just worsens the situation. Their condition and symptoms worsen, they do not improve and oftentimes they will be blamed or blame themselves for their worsening condition or lack of improvement. *sigh* Tell me about it...

''When gifted, talented and creative adults are involved intellectually, emotionally, or artistically with others who think and act as they do, have a safe and understanding environment in which they can fully be themselves, and have supportive connections their sense of well-being, happiness and self esteem increase, so does their creativity and productivity.''

Aparently talented, gifted, creative people need other people they can relate to and love or believe in activities they are engaged in or they'll become off balance, emotionally, mentally, lose interest, have doubts about themselves, their abilities, have self doubt, blame, overwork with a tendency to burn out, they wont enjoy work or even their life, they'll isolate themselves, suffer from feeling like they're not good enough...

What can I say to all this? It's a blessing and a curse it would seem. I got some clarity, maybe more then from every IQ test I took so far, which all came out between 120-130. It makes me feel a little better feeling that maybe I'm not insane after all and a little worse because if all this is true then I'm just condemned to be lonely for the most of my life or waiting on a miracle. A miracle which means people that are at least a little bit like me. Or admit defeat and change to fit in with the rest, which is not only insane and something I'd never do but also I don't know how. I don't know how to be ''normal''. Maybe that's good after all, normal is a setting on a blowdryer or a washing machine, who would want to be that?

''Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.''