''You can be my wingman anytime.''

It's been a while huh? Ironically the one time I have tons to say, I don't have the time to actually say it. I feel like people should be more careful with what they're saying, thinks things trough before just blurting it out, or ranting just to say something. Word should have more meaning. 

That's not the reason I'm suddenly not badgering you with sensless posts btw, truth is my life was sorta turned upside down. Mostly in a good way. I think. Hah. A puppy came into our lives both expectingly and unexpectingly. Those of you who know me, know, I adore dogs, and know how long I begged and begged for this to happen. And it finally did. Still feels a bit surreal, like he's here on vacation, not ours to keep. But, you guys, while a lot of it is amazing, and aint a better feeling in the world for me, than this dog cuddling up next to me in bed at night, I gotta admit I did not expect the hurricane that is our puppy. All I can tell you, three to five months old, teething puppies are absolutely exhausting, and I suddenly understand the so called ''puppy blues''. It's a real thing. I questioned his and my sanity several times over the past two months, called vets and behaviour specialists, wanted to tear all my hair out, wanted to throw myself and him under the bus, and probably lost as much sleep I can't make up for in a lifetime. It's been a wild ride is all I can say. But apparently all this behaviour is normal, and all we really can do is endure it. Deal with it. All puppies grow out of their destructive behaviour at some point. And since his adult teeth are already growing, I'm hoping we're out of the worst of his mood swings. I guess I really didn't know what I was getting myself into, was blessed with saints of dogs before he came along. I can not even think our golden retriever touching anything but her own toys.

What I realised in the past couple of months with him though, is that I really really dislike people. I mean yeah news flash, call CNN, this must be breaking news...I know I keep telling you guys this, but this is a whole new level of hatred. While still working on being socialised, I do not allow people to pet my dog. He's hyper, he can actually nip, or literally knock you over with his excitement to play, so to avoid disastros I don't allow people to pet him. And would you think people understand the word no? Of fucking course they don't. They keep lunging at my dog, they keep wanting to pet him, they never ask permission btw. Like how would it be if I walked over and start petting your child? Like for real? How would you feel? How would they feel? Do you think because it's a dog it makes it okay? Hell naw! The amount of stupidity I have to deal with. The amount of stress! And the comments ''but he's so cute''. Omfg are you actually crazy? So is a tiger but that doesn't mean it can't maul you to death. Or the ''but why not I had dogs all my life'' and? Does that make you an expert? And if you had dogs all your life how come you don't understand some dogs need space? Or charging at him when he's freaking muzzled! A muzzle doesn't send you a certain message? Wtf? Or allowing your kids to run at the dog, then yell at me when I ask you to remove them? Am I in the falschen film oder was? What is going on with the world?

Or the unwanted advice. Deep sigh. Suddenly everyone is a vet, suddenly everyone is an expert, suddenly everyone is soooooo experienced in dog behaviour, that all they can do is preach to me on the daily, all that I am doing wrong with this dog. Spoiler alert, I never once asked for advice, and if I did, I probably wouldn't get it. What is it with human kind to feel compelled to force their opinions on you? Fantastic you have your own point of view, thank fuck you do, we can't all be copy paste robots, but have you maybe considered that opinions are like a penis? Fine to have one but do not shove it down everyone's throats? 

And the judgement on why a working breed. Do you think anyone at all asked why I chose this breed? Nope. They all think they know best and are here to school me. And the judgement on buying a dog instead of adopting. How that is irresponsible. I am so tired you guys. What is actually irresponsible is getting a dog just because he's cute, and not having the slighest idea what you're getting yourself into. I'm looking at you Lilly Allen. I'm tired of having to defend myself and my life choices and the dog, to every dick, bitch and asshole on the street who doesn't know shit about me, yet feels entitled to judge me or preach to me. What the hell is this? I see misbehaved dogs, I see misbehaved kids but like, that's some other parents problem, I wouldn't even dream of walking up to the person and try to act like I know better. What goes on through someone's head to behave this way is beyond me. Really, impossible to understand. Also, as if I have to defend my choices to anyone wtf? Why? Or explain myself further than ''no''. No means no. Get it into your head people. 

I ask this a lot but seriously just what the fuck is wrong with people lately???

To make matters clear. I wanted an energetic dog, one that has the ability to go on long walks, to actually pull me out of the house and be active with him. I wanted a working breed because goal is to train him into a therapy dog at some point. As an autistic person I could use a companion that would help me manage stress levels and anxiety. Idea was to get me to be more social and talk to people, yeah fat chance, all it's making me is hate people. We need a dog that can go with us on active vacation, we don't like laying on the beach and do nothing for two weeks. I was looking for a breed that wasn't fucked around with but stayed the same for centuries, I can't stand all that cockapoo, maltipoo, labradoodle, doodle this doodle that bullshit. And I was looking for a loving, energetic, loyal, medium sized companion, that would adapt well to living in an apartment and chose the dog that fit all the criteria. I don't believe in completely changing your lifestyle for the dog, I believe in picking the right kind of dog that fits in your lifestyle. That is responsible, knowing what you're doing, not getting a dog because you think it's cute. I'm looking at all you French Bulldog owners, maybe look up just how cruel their existance is, but hey as long as  they look adorable right? 

To be clear this dog is a menace, and so stubborn, and so difficult, and things haven't been easier after going to dog school which was there to collect money and teach you nothing it seems. And it's not making it easier smirking people, who seem to enjoy your bad day. I was pacing the lot swearing the other day, had a flat tire, dog was barking jumping at me, nothing I did calmed him down and people laughed. It is absolutely horrofying what we had turned into. Maybe you can't offer help, I respect that, but maybe also don't laugh at someone elses bad day yea? Either way, dog is probably gonna be the reason for all our demise, but whatcha gonna do he's our dog now. Something something about a bed and hay and laying in it? 

Either way...meet Maverick or Mav, Mave, Mavi for short, our first day when we just met, and all my fave memories till now.

Talk to me, Goose.

I've sat here staring at a one minute video of a sunsety beach and waves crashing on it, for literally 30 minutes on a loop. Probably to hurt myself further because ya know MCR videos aint enough, god knows what I'll be doing on July 4th (those of you that know, know) probably getting so drunk I forget I exist…anyways the ocean…y'all know me I aint an optimist, never was and never will be. To me optimism is like believing in destiny, needing something to think there's some order to this horseshit. There isn't. Anyways. I allowed myself a little sliver of hope and booked a hotel early this year. Because ya know, the plandemic will be over by then, there aint no way we're gonna go for another round of it. And then what? Lets all order more vaccines to be ready for the fall (y'all psychic now or smth?), lets all boycott Russia till we fucking starve to death or freeze to death, oh how about lets have a new sickness because someone fucked a monkey…god when does it end? 

But like in all this shit show I kept the little hope of ''fuck y'all I'm going to the beach''. Sure. Okay. Yes. And someone up there was like ''fuck no bitch, you aint going nowhere''. I guess in my tiny bit of optimism I didn't realise that after two years of not being fucking welcome anywhere and therefore staying at home, the third year I just won't have money because literally just existing (which I never asked for tbh) will be too fucking expensive. Seriously guys, honest to god, what do we even live for at this point? For that Bruce S. tour that he's planning next year (tickets go on sale tomorrow you guys so stay alert!)….hah. Next year. Hahahah, Bruce, amore mio, I love you but planning that far ahead…sure. Okay. Great idea. I'll be here deciding what to do with the money when the tickets are refunded. Probably drink it. 

I guess great fucking job I learned how not to be sad about things that are far in the past, and in the more recent past, or you know in the present…now I'll be fucking sad over crap that hasn't happened yet. The hell is the matter with me? Another thing we shouldn't get into else I'll sit here for ten more fucking hours contemplating everything that went wrong in my life and left me the mess that I am today. Not worth it. Or maybe it's just you know…experience. Things only end badly, always. Life, friendships, plans, everything ends badly, so knowing the outcome…no wonder one is sad about everything. Or angry. Or fucking livid. Or just you know disappointed as fuck. Of perhaps scared of what else shit show the future can bring. Cuz honestly, it can't get better, at this point it can only get worse. And it probably will.

But enough of this depression, lets focus on more pleasant topics, she said while getting a glass of red wine. Mark that kids, the beer drinking redneck went on vacation, I only drink wine these days. And only local because my country makes the best wine and I am willing to fight everyone who doesn't agree. The wine is more to detox from this ''art project'' I just watched. Oh. My. God. I feel insulted to be honest. If that is art then I will never be an artist. Which is something I wonder about all the time because lately what people consider art is just…I don't get it. I mean I get it but I don't you know. 

I mean it's hard not to focus on the depressive parts of life when the world is fucking insane. All my Star Wars loving buddies…y'all seen the scandal of racism surrounding Obi Wan Kenobi show aye? I haven't watched the series yet, wasn't paying it much attention online because you know spoilers. I hate that BUT constantly trending on Tumblr made me curious, well imagine my fucking surprise when I see a video to ''fans'' from Ewan talking about racism and I'm like…well Disney is shady AF they could totally do something stupid…oh no no kids, Disney didn't do shit it's the ''fans'' attacking Moses Ingram, and for what? Her skin color? THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! I dare you to come at her again, cuz us, the real fans? We resist. We will end you. What has happened in the past two years to bring out all of human malice? When did we turn so wrong to turn so fucking evil and selfish and judgemental and plain horrible? This is not a world I feel comfortable in you know. Like at all. And I'm trying to change it, in part, changing that what surrounds me, that what I can. But sometimes I feel like I am alone in my actions and they're not enough. 

In other more positive news (well probably not if you ask the Guardian reporters – all braindead sheep my god. No that's an insult to sheep, amebas on fleas on rats. That fits. How do you become a reporter these days? Apply with an IQ test and if the result is room temp you're hired? Most likely). Johnny Depp won the court case. To say that I am overjoyed will be an understatement of the year. I will not stand for a single word of support for Amber. Not one. If you're on her side, get the hell away from me, block me, delete me, forget I exist, we do not support abusive, lying, manipulating, flaming pile of garbage that is AH in this house. In the mass of messages that I got about ''watching your fave with rose tinted glasses'' let me point out that I heve never in my life claimed that he's an angel. We all have our flaws. BUT I do have friends that had their lives ruined by false accusations that they couldn't battle on court over, couldn't prove their innocence and couldn't recover their careers. Me too turned into something completely toxic, and understanding that a man can also be a victim of abuse felt like science fiction. Listen to me and listen to me good, a man can totally be a victim, of abuse, physical, mental, manipulative, etc. And this right here, the fact that Johnny won a case that in theory was not about abuse at all but defamation which she is guilty of on all accounts is a huge step in the right direction. Not just for him mind you but for all men, why? Amber was like ''you do that Johnny, you go up there and tell them that I, Johnny Depp, a man, am a victim of domestic abuse''. Well guess what bitch? He did. And the world listened. And you are done. And the evil has been defeated. I hope the only role she ever gets again is in Discovery ID's crime series ''evil lives here''. 

All y'all crying to me about oh the veridict is a setback for all women. Are you stupid? Seriously, are you? Just so I know because if you are we have nothing to talk about anymore, but if not and you're willing to understand let me explain something super simple to you. There's a difference between freedom of speech, being courageous to tell what happened to you, fighting for your justice and this? This aint that. This is lies upon lies to ruin a man's life and career. The veridict isn't setting women back, her stupid lies did. When in the future women speak out it's not going to be Johnny's veridict that's the issue, it's going to be Ambers lies that will make all their stories even harder to believe. What the veridict did is give justice to ALL victims, proved that both genders can suffer abuse and showed you that justice will prevail if you speak the truth. And I can not believe how fucking stupid her fans and the media are, let me break it down for you idiots to understand. Amber did NOT lose because she spoke up against an ''abuser''. She lost because the lawsuit was about defamation, which means that SHE LIED. She made it ALL up. That's what it means. That's what the jury decided on. And if you can't accept that she is a lying abuser than you're either too stupid or part of the problem as well. Think about that for a minute while I go to more pleasant topics.

God this post hasn't really started yet and I'm running out of wine already. My god why is life so fucking stresful. Maybe I should flip to Rammstein videos instead. Oh my god you guys have you seen / heard Angst and Dicke titten? I laughed so hard. I love this band. Just missed their show which makes me super depressed but someday….someday when I'm not spending like 2k on tickets for other bands. Of course lets all after a 2 year break go on tour and bankrupt our fans. Smh.

I'm so fucking sick of the world lately that I keep getting lost in fantasy worlds and I finally got to this baby…

THIS POST WILL CONTAIN MASSIVE ''CROOKED KINGDOM'' SPOILERS SO PLEASE ONLY CARRY ON IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH READING THEM.

First of all, first of fucking all. How dare you Leigh?! Matthias my beloved. My heart hurts for him and for Nina and for what could of been. Second of all. THE BATHROOM SCENE! I am freaking out. That was just so cute and so fucking intimate and gentle and just asdfghjkl! You feel me? I thought I'll combust when reading that. Men written by women just don't exist if I said that once I said it a million times and it's the god honest truth. 

Now to carry on, how beautiful is this hard back edition? I don't have that many most are soft covers but like look at it! The gold foiling really gets me frothing at the mouth like a god damn Niffler. And the illustrations of the main characters in the back are just gorgeous. 

Alright a quick synopsis of the book;

''Welcome to the world of the Grisha.

Kaz Brekker and his crew of deadly outcasts have just pulled off a heist so daring even they didn't think they'd survive. But insteas of divvying up a fat reward, they're right back to fighting for their lives.

Double – crossed and badly weakened, the crew is low on reasources, allies, and hope. As powerful forces from around the world descend on Ketterdam to root out the secrets of the dangerous drug known as jurda parem, old rivals and new enemies emerge to challenge Kaz's cunning and test the team's fragile loyalties.

A war will be waged on the city's dar kand twisting streets – a battle for revenge and redemption that will decide the fate of the Grisha world.''

I think this was a fantastic sequel! Really. I'm usually a bit vary when it comes to part two. You know that whole fear authors have of their second book never living up to their first? Yeah that. And it also shows in so many books, so many stories. They never live up to the expectations. But there's no fear of that in this book. It's absolutely amazing. The way the story flows, the language, the plot twists. Everything (except Matthias dying god damn it) is perfect. I don't always enjoy books as much as I enjoyed this one and this is not the wine talking. Lol. 

The book in theory revolves around Kaz getting back one of his crew members. Which one? Inej. Of course. What did you think will happen if Inej is gone? Kaz will probably burn the entire world down to get her back. Of course. Don't we all need some of that in our lives? Someone to rely on. Someone to be there when things are rough and knowing they'll always be there to back you up or drag you from hell. Sigh. Could be that I'm hoplessly romantic and that's not how it is but…Inej aside the hunt is also not just to get her back bu to get back what was promised to them in the Six of Crows. The begining. The story is a great twist of money, revenge, power, greed, but also trust and friendship and most important love. And even more important, Kaz trying to get over his trauma, to move on, to be what Inej needs. ''I will have you without armour Kaz Brekker or I won't have you at all.'' Oh be still my beating heart. 

People complain about POW's changing each chapter but I actually really like that because it gives you an insight into characters and what they think, feel, want. It would be hard to completely understand their backgrounds if the story was written only from one point of view. Though lets not pretend that any chapters were my favourite besides those of Kaz and Matthias. Don't I just love them troubled, brooding, violent boys. This has everything, love, adventure, action, adventure, plot twists, you can't put it down till you finish it I promise. 

What I especially loved was the characters, the progression and how they evolved in this book. We see this whole new depth to them, they all faltered, they were cheated by their enemies, they seeked revenge but in that revenge they also found hope and trust and made that bond between them stronger, because they knew they have each other and mostly Kaz to get them out of this mess. Don't we all need a Kaz? No seriously I know I already said that above but like don't we? Someone to trust, someone with just enough malice and just enough strength to be there when all else fails? Just someone to lean on and know will help you when all else fails. I suppose that could be called family, but not that I would know, I tell my family good morning in the wrong ''tone'' and they decide to not talk to me for a whole week, and act like I'm not here at all. It's taken me to be almost thirty to understand that this is abuse. When you're supposed to talk things out but all you get is silence. It's kinda funny, so many arguments in my house revolve around ''what the fuck is wrong with you'' well apparently a lot but who's to blame for it huh? I bet it's not that hard to figure it out, just easier to blame others…

I felt heartbroken for Inej how her capturing affected how she viewed what her and Kaz had. I hated all the doubt. Understood it but hated it. Leigh congrats though, the way you made Kaz always win her back by actually proving himself to her not just with empty promises. That's just beautiful writing right there.  Maybe I just understand Kaz. I understand why he's a ''monster''. He is what he is, created by the city that eats you up and swallows you. I get that. I get being broken because of the people and your surroundings. The only difference is that Kaz is a genius and I'm just me. And if anything I find inspiration. Not in his malice (even if it was well placed) but in his will, his wits, inteligence, never letting his enemies get the upper hand, never letting anything to chance.  And I love how the ''romance'' between him and Inej is pictured. THE BATHROOM SCENE! It's realistic, it's not twisted to fit some modern idea of romance but it's in tune with Kaz's trauma. And it's realistic because they are both ruthless and strong and dangerous to be honest and yet they both nearly combust when showing each other a tiny bit of weakness and vulnerabilty. And then there's that moment. Inej convinced that Kaz would never want her back if she was ''broken''. If her legs were damaged he'd not want her, and what does he do to reasure her? He - and I believe this is the most romantic he knows how to be – tells her;

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.''

I found that absolutely beautiful. And what is also beautiful is the fact that LGBTQ+ comunity represented in this book is something that is completely normal and not frowned upon. As it should be, but more often than not it isn't. Also, the whole world that Leigh created, the cities, the cultures, the languages, amazing. So creative and so different than just regular fantasy worlds. Russian inspired just gives it this extra edge, this extra push to make it so compelling, and different. I love the writing style so much tbh, it's amazing, flowy, easy to read, impossible to put down and it feels like she invites us into this world for a little vacation. (Some vacation in Ketterdam huh? Lol).

Oh and another major spoiler, we get some of the Shadow and bone characters for a little while in this book. Which I find super cool. I was just slightly threw off with the whole ''was'' for Alina. I mean I couldn't recall when she died lol. Then I realised she lost her power and lived a normal life with her husband. Happily ever after kinda thing. Cute. 

All in all mind blowing book, character and plot developments out of this world. A worthy sequel and I'd totally recommend it to anyone that likes some action and adventure and some really greatly written plot twists. 

And another thing to recommend to you guys. The new Top Gun movie ''Maverick''. Oh my god though it took 36 years, should be 34 but..thank you Corona…but it was so worth the wait. I love the original as is, those of you close to me know that I basically know it by heart, I go ape shit crazy for ''great balls of fire'' lol and this? This was amazing. I loved every single moment, it was funny, it was emotional, it was creative, it was as it should be. Maverick that we all love who hasn't changed a bit. A beautiful moment with Val Kilmer. A new ''Iceman'' just as arrogant but sweet as Ice was…And little baby Goose – with a call name Rooster. I love him. Guys! First of, Tom Cruise? The mad man himself? Much sexier than all his younger co stars just saying. He flies the plane himself you know that? So cool. And it's a Mustang. Beautiful plane. Hit me with all the nostalgia when there's an appearance of an F-14 Tomcat. I died. That thing though ''ancient'' (thank you Rooster) is absolutely gorgeous. Speaking of the Mustang, there's a model you can put together I believe. I wanna try that sometime. Put together my own model, a tank or a fighter jet. Should be a fun project huh? Kinda artsy too.  

Cute story but my grandfather was just like Maverick. I read his flight log book, and how his flights were graded. Badly. Lol. Great pilot but huge problem with authority. Hm I wonder where I got that from aye? Lol. Reckless, doesn't like to listen to orders, doesn't fly by the rules, doesn't do this, doesn't do that. Yep sounds about right, I have heard that one too many times, especially the authority part. Funny. Made me wish he was there with me, watching, he'd LOVE these new fighter jets. It was his dream to fly a 14 and these new planes? 5th gen? Holy shit. All in all go see it it's really amazing, and then get your bodies ready for Elvis. Just so you know I shrieked when the trailer played in the theatre and possibly bit all the way to bone on my finger in order to prevent more screaming and weird looks from other mortals. Psh. 

Alright enough of my bullshit for at least a month, so enjoy this doodle of Mav that I did while having too much time before the movie started. I need to take my sketch book with me more often. I like doing these little doodles…

Cheers guys.