I'm calling the Academy.

Alright, not to sound like a Victorian woman suffering from hysteria, buuuuut I have a couple of problems this morning. A couple meaning more like one hundred and then some, but these are...different. And no, this is not one of those how badly I want to lick Stacee Jaxx's gun tattoos or Val Kilmers face in the Batman mask problems, but a different kind. But seriously guys, that face? Those eyes? THAT MOUTH! Lord have mercy. I am weak okay. And that whole Ice Ice Baby does stuff to me...

Now to the main problem. I mean I guess you can guess at this point what it is, given that it was Oscars night last night. And that whole, I was deprived of my main man T.C. on the red carpet aside...I mean, y'all didn't expect him to shut down MI:8 just to go to the Oscars right? Hell would sooner freeze over. And I think we all knew Maverick isn't winning awards which is just.....gah! Shouldn't the point of entertainment industry be to I don't know entertain? I had read so many ridiculous comments over the past month about Top Gun. I get it okay, it's not your thing, you hate the Navy, you hate the Army in general, you hate Thomas, you don't like this, you don't like that. That's alright, we have different tastes thank fuck, but you know what's not okay? Hatred. Bullying. Gloating. I don't understand why if you don't like the movie, you can't let others enjoy it. I'm off topic. I don't know what the fuck that is that won ''best picture'', nor will I be watching it, but lets revisit the topic in a year and see which movie people still talk about. Wanna bet it's Top Gun?

But that still isn't the problem I was on about. It's the award for the best male actor. Yup. You knew this is coming right? Listen, I don't generally give a rats ass about the Grammys, the Oscars...it's all bullshit in the end BUT there are still...anomalies. I was mad as a hatter when the academy fucked over Chadwick Boseman, that was ugly. And now this. This...

Listen I am calling the academy right the fuck now. They're really gonna sit there and tell me that Austin Butler didn't deserve that award for all his hard work??! The man who didn't just act in a movie but put his entire life on hold for three years to become Elvis?! Is this a joke? Y'all think y'all are funny? I'm calling bullshit on this. 

Now listen to me, no disrespect on Brendan, don't misunderstand this. I loved him since I watched him in the Mummy. Mr. O'Connell is fire and Brendan is an amazing actor. He deserves nothing but love and all the awards on this planet for all the bullshit he's been through professionally and personally, and there is no doubt that he did amazing in the Whale (even if if you tell me I'm gonna come out of the theatre crying that's not very enjoyable to me). But here's my issue, Brendan came to set everyday and did his line, did his part, and then went home, turned it off, he was Brendan again. Austin didn't do that. He didn't act, he BECAME Elvis. He never turned it off. He still can't turn it off sometimes, they mock his accent but I think it's absolutely adorable when his Elvis voice comes through now and then. Austin didn't play a role, Austin became an icon. I could be biased as an Elvis fangirl, or an Austin fangirl sure, but this is far from it. 

Listen he lived and breathed Elvis to a point where Elvis' family said they had a hard time putting them apart some moments. They literally couldn't tell the difference. Can you imagine that? Immersing yourself into a role so much that the family of the person you're playing, can't tell the difference no more? Must be bitter sweet actually. But gosh. Amazing. Listen to me, Austin deserved this, for himself, for Baz, for Elvis and for Lisa Marie. I am so mad. Nobody could do what he did, or as well as he did, he did an amazing job and I know everyone is so proud of him, and I know his mom and Lisa and Elvis are proud of him, wherever they are. He deserved better and I hope this doesn't discourage him, this changes nothing, this only means that someone (who the fuck is in the jury?) is an idiot and can't reckognise real dedication and hard work. You're still the winner for me Aus. And that aside, despite everything congratulations to Brendan Fraser, I wish you were nominated at a different time but...sigh, it is what it is. And also Angela Bassett? Really Academy? Really? That was ugly. 

Now if you excuse me, I'ma open aliexpress because I need some crap that I don't really need but I do, if you know what I mean and lets be honest, I just love the search bar that says ''I'm shopping for...'' so I can type in ''Tom Cruise''. Hah. Let a fangirl dream okay. And for all my other T.C. fan girls out there, go check out what happens if you do that. It's AMAZING. I NEED EVERYTHING. 

Actually scratch that a glass of wine and sketching this amazing photo of Austin Butler I saw yesterday first. I swear my brain malfunctioned seeing that picture over my ENTIRE laptop screen. Also I need to get away from my family for a bit, they are insufferable today. Ugh. Jesus take the wheel because I am done.

Flyaway.

Todays post is a little different. And while I wanna write about this cute book I just finished…Omg you guys all the fluff! (Fluffy books? Seriously Nikki, the fuck is wrong with you?) Or complain about my shitty neighbors, because believe me that would be a whole damn novel on it's own. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people lately?! I know I keep asking the same question, but just what, WHAT is the matter with them? Half of them must be walking around brain damaged or something, because I just can't imagine recent behaviour to be normal. And don't think I'm excluding myself, we all know my sanity is so so at best and my moral compass hasn't been pointing north in a while, but hell, I still have some breathing room before I go completely off the rails of a crazy train.

Point here is, those of you closer to me will know I've been working on a book. Yep a real book, not just complaining online. Book is in theory fiction, but in practice it's my insane life. Fake characters, based on real people and real events. Does that make sense? I guess I need a better outlet than a blog to process all that's been happening, and all I've been feeling. It's been a bit much to put it mildly. So todays post is a section from said book, also because it's the best way to type down the ''torture'' I was put through. I think some of you will know right away, why the character based on me has an exotic name (I almost wrote erotic lol) and who the hell Theo is. And if you're feeling generous, I'd love some feedback on my email. But take mercy on me please, I'm no writer and writing is so hard. And yes what you read down below, actually did happen, exactly as I wrote it. 

 

 ''I don't understand, what are we doing? It's way too early.''

Ares muttered, staring in between the man sitting on her left and the landscape outside, which offered no clues as to where they are headed.

''Oh you know, that little day trip I planned, last minute? It'll be fun I promise'' Theo replied, a huge smirk planted on his face as he took a right turn, taking them off the highway. He was being vague, and if past experience is anything to go by, this will not end up well.

''But it's 15 minutes pass 5, in the freaking morning'' a chuckle left his lips as he glanced her over, a deep scowl on her tired face and arms crossed in protest.

''I swear if you even try to pull some stunt on me again, I'm divorcing your ass''

''You can't divorce me if we're not married'' Theo said, that annoying smirk still permanently plastered on his face.

''Well…in advance, I'm divorcing you in advance'' Ares replied, eyeing the road up ahead suspiciously, as the car was slowing down till it came to a complete stop in a parking lot, overlooking a couple of buildings and a….tarmac? As she got out of the car she observed several planes that littered the sides of the airport, glistening in the morning light that just started to peek over the mountains in the back. Ares made a face scanning her eyes across every single one of the planes till her eyes landed on a specific one, parked closest to them. She knew that plane, she's seen that plane before, several times, she even sat inside that plane, but she never wanted to be in the air in that specific plane. Spinning on her heels she glared at the grinning man standing next to her, playing with his  car keys. Looking absolutelly innocent, as if he didn't just drag her out of bed in the middle of the night to stand in the middle of an airfield with her.

''Why are we here? Why is THAT thing here?''

Instead of a reply to her question, Theo placed his arm on her lower back pushing her forward to the dark blue fighter beast, staring menacingly back at her.

''Don't make me call you by your full government name boy'' Ares hissed digging her heels in the tarmac and refusing to move any further.

''We my love, are getting over your silly fear today'' Theo finally replied and tried to pull her towards the jet once more.

''I'm sorry what? What did you say? Like hell we are'' Ares growled, turning around, scanning the path they just walked on towards the planes and the parking lot in the back. It wasn't that far, she could make it, if she made a run for it. He's probably faster than her but if she had a headstart…she could easily outrun him couldn't she? Perhaps.  It's worth a try. She could tell the people in the parking lot he kidnapped her. She could tell them to drive her to freaking Mexico for all she cared.

''What kinda plane is that?'' Ares asked pointing at something at the side on the other end of the landing strip. Theo followed her line of sight, narrowing his eyes, trying to decide what was she looking at.

''Oh, that's a…'' his sentence was interrupted by crunching gravel, turning around he saw Ares sprinting down the pathway they just came on. Ridiculously fast for someone that just woke up, is not a morning person, and hasn't had her morning coffee yet. A laugh left his lips before he ran after her, easily catching her and grabbing her shoulders to stop her.

''Ares stop!'' she manages to get away from him a second time and runs in the opposite direction, towards the tarmac and around the plane, resulting in them chasing eachother around its wings, earning more than a couple odd glances from pilots and engineers, that littered the air hangar and tarmac.

''Don't you trust me?'' he asks, sounding almost offended at even suggesting such a thing. She gives him a venomous look. ''I'm sorry but have you met you? Of course I don't freaking trust you!'' another chuckle left his lips as he rounded the nose of the plane, effectively catching her and lifting her feet off the ground, throwing her over his shoulder as if she weighted nothing. He carried her towards the hangar to pick up their flight suits and helmets.

''Theo I am serious, put me down, I am not getting in that thing'' it was useless to argue, he always had it his way. And if he didn't they'd just end up chasing eachother around all day, which at this point sounded as a better option to spending the day. So what was Ares to do but suit up and follow him? God knows he would most likely drug her to get her in the air, should she not comply…on a second thought…

''I don't feel so good'' Ares muttered slowly stumbling behind him. To be fair, nerves really were making her stomach twist and turn uncomfortably and her palms were drenched in sweat, as was her brow. Theo glanced her up and down, a frown on his pretty face.

''Listen, you have to get over your fear someday and there's no time like the present'' he said, taking her hand in his and kissing her knuckles softly, as if that will calm her erratic thoughts and blood rushing through her ears. Glancing between him and the plane again, she sighed and let him pull her towards it with a resignated hiss. He was laughing the entire way to the plane, that smug bastard, and even had the audacity to enjoy the view as she climbed inside. It's not like it was her first time in a plane, or a fighter jet for that matter, but it's her first time in a plane with a maniac for a pilot.  As he made sure to go about all his pre flight protocols, Ares glanced at the controls, switches and buttons inside the cockpit, her grandfathers words suddenly ringing in her head, ''they all come down somehow kid, nobody is ever left up in the air'' snorting silently she thought about the fact that she doesn't even have her last will and testimony written, and who would she even leave her valuables to in the first place? Well, ''valuables''. Theo would die laughing if he had a peak inside her head, and the thoughts swarming in there just now.

''Are you ready gorgeous?'' Theo asked a moment later, when he joined her inside and buckled them both in.

''What to die? Sure, I lived a good life'' Ares mumbled, trying to take a couple deeper breaths and calm her erratic heartbeat.

''So dramatic'' she heard Theo gasp over the sound of the canopy closing above their heads. A couple of words were exhanged between him and the tower, signaling to them that they are ready for take off. As the plane slowly rotated and started taxiing down the runway she felt her heart leap in her throat, and all the color drain from her face. Another slow turn brought them to the start of an endless looking runway, Theo flipped a couple switches and pushed a couple buttons, his left hand resting on the speed throtle. Launching the plane forward again, take off was slow, they were slowly gaining on speed, when the plane suddenly lost contact with the ground with several hundred feet of tarmac still ahead of them. They were barely 20 meters in the air and Ares didn't dare to open her eyes.

''You okay back there love?'' Theo asked while the plane was still climbing higher and higher in the air.

''No'' Ares muttered through gritted teeth, earning a soft chuckle in return. What is so funny? Just what? Her pain and suffering? Maybe he's just completely unhinged. That's it, she finally drove him crazy. That't the only explanation.

''We are about to reach our cruising altitude''  Theo muttered while still fiddling with controls and switches. Is it even safe to keep jerking those around in the air?

''The only thing you're about to reach is my nasty attitude'' Ares growled, trying to pry one eye open and look around them. A dozen fluffy white clouds floated around and above them, buzzing engine and Theos laughter filled her ears, as the fear subsided a little and she realized, so far so good. This wasn't so scary. As long as she remembers to never look down. Never look at the tiny houses, God knows how many meters below them.

''Look at those pretty trees and a creek up ahead'' Theo said pointing at something on the right side in the distance. Water shimmering in the orange sunlight of the sun that has barely completely risen.

''No thank you'' Ares replied without even bothering to look at what he was trying to show her.

''Alright then lets get closer'' Theo grumbled, same time as she felt the plane dropping from the sky, first a little and then completely, as if the engine has been shut down.

''THEODORE NO!'' Ares screamed, clawing her nails on the safety harness holding her in place as the plane took a sharp turn and lost altitude dramatically. He laughed loud, like a maniac she thought, or the freaking Joker, as they approached to whatever scenery he was observing earlier.

''See it now?''

''NO!'' Ares bit back, eyes shut tight. A dramatic sigh and the words ''okay then'' made her open her eyes just in time to realize, what her boyfriend was planning. Just as a tiny bubble of hope formed, making her think, maybe just maybe, he has some sanity left, the bubble was crushed.

''Don't you dare! Did you hear me?! Don't you fucking dare Theo I am divorcing your ass as soon as we land!''

''We are not married sweetheart'' Theo replied calmly, just in time when the plane flipped upside down. Ares screamed as her hands touched the canopy, the trees he was mentioning earlier seemed close enough for her to touch.

''See them now?'' Theo asked, giggling as the plane continiued to fly upside down for another thirty seconds, but then again it might have been a full hour.

''Oh my god you're insane, I swear you're deranged, this isn't normal! Please let me out!'' Ares muttered to herself, panting loudly as the plane leveled back up and flew a little bit higher.

''Should we land? Or do you wanna eject?'' Theo asked after a couple minutes and a fly around that brought them back to the area of the airport.

''Please for the love of everything holy land this beast and don't do anything stupid''

''Stupid? Like what? A barrel roll? Nose dive?''

''THEO NO!'' Ares screeched as the plane started spiraling seemingly out of control towards the ground. That's it, he's trying to kill us, he's actually trying to kill us, she thought as her hands covered her face. A minute later the plane straightened and the tower control sounded in her ears ''flight LF 365 you are free to land''. An exhausted sigh left her lips as she leaned back in her seat, the entire plane shook as it made contact with the tarmac, speed decreasing till it came to a complete stop. The canopy opened and a wave of fresh air hit them, cooling her burning skin. Theo got out first, tugging on the zipper of his flight suit and pulling off the sleeves, leaving him in a tight white tshirt. If she wasn't fuming with anger she'd admire how the suit looked, tied around his waist, giving her a full view of his inked up arms.

''Love? Is there a particular reason you're still in the plane? Wanna go up in the air again?'' Theo asked, making her eyes snap open in horror, she climbed out of the plane as fast as she could, lying on the tarmac, kissing the warm asphalt under her body. Loud chuckling was echoing all around her.

''Stop laughing you sociopath'' Ares muttered as she forced her exhausted body up on her feet and smacked Theo across his chest a couple times.

''It wasn't so bad was it?'' Theo asked tucking stray hairs behind her ears and fixing the loopsided shades on her face, if only to block the scowl and pure anger radiating from her eyes. Ares took a step back and leaned on the jet, honestly fearing her legs won't hold her up on their own.

''I hate you so much'' she muttered as she leaned forward, panting, trying to block out the dizzy feeling. Adrenaline slowly wearing out making her feel drained of all energy.

''Oh shut up you know you love me'' Theo protested, throwing both their helmets inside the plane.

''No, not today I don't'' Ares replied as she straightened back up, staring him down challengingly. That annoying smirk never left his face as he returned the gaze just as strongly.

''Are you at least a little bit less afraid of flying? Are we moving in the right direction?''

Ares thought about those questions for a while. Was she less afraid? Her grandfather would surely be ashamed of her. He would of love these planes. He would of loved flying them. Hell he would of loved Theo too. Sighing she pulled her shades off to look at him properly. He was patient, hands on his hips, gauging her reaction. Eyebrow slightly lifted and blue eyes shining in morning light.

''I could go back up…'' Ares started, watching his mouth twitch and form a grin that fell as soon as she finished the sentence.

''…just not with you. You are insane.''

''Fair enough'' Theo replied, a slight smile never leaving his face as they walked back to the hangar to change and leave the air field. Ares glanced back a couple of times, between the planes, the runway, Theo, the sky. She couldn't believe she actually did this, or better she couldn't believe she survived this.

''You know what this means though?''

''What?'' Theo asked, taking his car keys out of his pocket and opening the doors for her. Leaning on the frame he looked at her, noticing the color returning to her face, and the slight trembling of her hands.

''It means that now you have to do something you absolutely hate with me''

''Something like what?''

''I don't know. See Katy Perry in concert?'' Theo snorted.

''Love, you hate Katy Perry too.''

''I'll suck it up just to torment you'' Ares bit back, as he leaned over to buckle her seat belt and leave a quick kiss on her cheek. The idea of a sweet revenge made her instantly feel better. It's only fair. It's only fair he suffers like she suffers. The issue here though is that maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe she didn't hate it so much. But he can never find that out. If he did, life with him would be unsufferable.

 

Carino.

This is probably the 50th time I'm attempting to write this blog. Well any blog. It's not about the specific theme, it's about me. I'm the issue. Lets pretend I get it done this time. It's hard to get anything done with the screaming in my house which is only getting worse and worse. I don't know when things shifted and we started ''hating'' each other so much. People tell me ''you're not an island, you can't be alone and isolated'' but really, that's all I crave. And unless Henry Cavill, David Garrett or Tom Cruise magically decide they're hoplessly in love with me, I just don't want to be bothered. Any and all human interaction these days is just not worth it no more. Many things have lost it's meaning. Sometimes it feels like life all together lost it's meaning. 

I don't honestly understand what's wrong with people, if I felt alienated before that feeling is ten or twenty or fifty times worse now. It's not just that I don't fit in anywhere, it's also that I can't seem to be on the same page, hell same chapter or even in the same book with anyone. How do people still meet people? How do you talk to them? I don't know how to comunicate or connect no more, whatever I say / do it's wrong. So I tend to be silent at all times, minding my own business, because that's what I was taught at home, because each time I open my mouth it's met with screaming, sit down and shut up ''zitti e buoni'' right? It's a lonely place being completely alone even when there's people around you. 

It's one of those days when I just feel like sadness has creeped into every inch of my body and soul. I don't even know why, probably the result of the past years, things continiously spiraling downwards, constantly battling headaches that never want to fuck off, stress, anxiety, loss, life. Sigh. 

But all that angst aside how about some exciting things? I'm basically babbling over here to take a step away from my obsessions, like the Rock of ages movie. I've seen it a million times and here I am falling right back into that rabbit hole. Going feral for Tom in a role of a rockstar. Please Tom, for the love of everything holy, slam me down on that pool table and choke me so we can be done with it. That man is FINE okay. And let me just say this much, House of the dragon isn't doing me any big favours either. Y'all know I have problems with blond men as is and those Targaryen men? Um. Yes. Fuck yes. How old is Matt Smith btw? Any of you guys know? Probably too old for me but well...

Let me point out here how nice my friends are. This is a direct quote from one of them the other day ''please, Nikki doesn't want a boyfriend, Nikki wants a fictional man, with a sharp jawline, a sarcastic smirk, daddy issues and a tragic backstory.'' I mean he was not wrong if we're being honest. With my track record of men I DO like...yeah...

In also other news, Titanic is coming back to our movies and I shrieked. You guys know me you know that the one thing I always wanted is to see all my favourite classics on big screen. Hasn't happened yet with Top Gun, Grease, Dirty dancing, Cry baby, Hocus Pocus, Footloose, Jurassic park, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE etc...but BUT it is happening next month with Titanic. Y'all may feel bad for the poor sucker being forced to go with me. Though between us, he may end up the one crying at the end. Now in order to celebrate this here's a little Leo DiCaprio doodle for you guys. How cute was he in this movie? 

Not really the blog post I wanted to write, but at least it's something right? I'll be back sooner I hope, with a book review, of something really cute. Idk what happened but I don't read blood and gore and fantasy no more...sigh. Or maybe you'll get a write up of the suffering at the movies. That'll probably be an experience in it's own. Lol. 

Be Merry, stay Scary.

I know, I know. Your annual ''how I hate Christmas'' blog is missing. I'd like to say I'm older and wiser now, or that I changed my mind and started celebrating it, but lets be serious we all know that's not the case. What's different this year is that maybe I've done some soul searching or looking into myself, or that deep dark pit that's supposed to be my soul (tbh it's M.I.A.) and realised some things. 

First one being I still despise Christmas movies and music with a burning passion, they're tacky, overly joyful and just tastless. That aint ever going to change. If I hear that god awful disgusting whatever it is song (you know the one? Mariah Carey sings it?) again I might actually massacre half this town. ''All I want for Christmas''? Is for you to shut up. Second thing is that people just go into a frenzy. Like literally people are insane, with their mass buying and forced smiles, and fake ''oh I love my family so much'' bullshit, arguing over parking spaces and last article of god knows what in stores…yeah I can't stand that. Don't mind me just on an urgent tampon run but it feels like I have to battle 7 levels of inferno first before I get them. 

I hate hate HATE the consumers market revolving around a family. The Christian type family that is. Mom, dad, kids. I have nothing against it btw, but I have a whole lot against it being forced down our throats like that. News flash, a lot of kids don't have what you call a ''normal family'' (what even is normal anyway), a lot of us don't have a functioning family at all, and honestly? It's painful watching all this. It really is. Don't you think all kids want that? Don't you think I want that? I hate the marketing of a million products we have to buy in order to be happy. Sigh. A lot of people can't afford the bare needs no more so guess what Santa is skipping their kids this  Christmas. How do you think they feel? I honestly hate that. 

But I think the biggest thing for me might be a form of PTSD. There hasn't been one. Just fucking ONE December without arguing in my house. I haven't had one nice holiday since I was like eight yearsold celebrating it somewhere up in the mountains. But really, it's always the same. I dread December because for me it's filled with screaming, pointless arguments, slamming doors and silent mass. And it's hell. I would honestly enjoy some tacky lights, and poorly wrapped presents and pumpkin spice everything and just for a few hours forgetting the world outside and just having a nice quiet family meal. It seems to me we can't even do that no more. Everything turns into an argument. Either political, religious or just completely idiotic as in why are your car keys on the counter and not in the hallway. As if it freaking matters. It's my problem when I can't find them aint it? 

I didn't mean the fake smiles and fake happiness and just forcing to get through it with a bottle of wine and stupid jokes type family events which I have been suffering through in the past and only recently realised the full aspect of how fake they actually were. I meant…I don't even know really, y'all watched Supernatural? In season 3 there's a ''a very Supernatural Christmas'' episode. The brothers are somewhere on the road alone, and they make do with like a branch with car fresheners instead of ornaments and silly gas station gifts, but it's not that that matters but them, celebrating, because they are family and each other is all they really need? Kinda like that. Or maybe like when I was actually little like five and up and my dad and I did a nativity scene with dinosaurs that ate baby Jesus. Well might be a bit disrespectful now that I think about it but it's still a fond memory. And we actually made food together, and ate together and watched Die Hard which is still the best Christmas movie out there. Do not fight me on this. 

Maybe I wasn't as bitter if I didn't lose everyone I cared most about in December, if I didn't argue with my family non stop, if I didn't get lawsuits from the rest of my family and the bank a day before the holiday start, if I felt like there is something to celebrate after all. Maybe if the forced happiness wouldn't make me gag and if people around me were nicer even if just playing nice. Idk. Maybe that would change things. But until it does I'll sit here with a bottle of wine because aint nothing that dulls the pain like Rose, and here's to hoping that a concert I really wanted to see tonight happens. If not it will the fourth in the row this month to be cancelled. Ah 2022 the gift that never stops giving aye.

But my bitterness aside I wish you guys a very Merry Christmas, to all you celebrate, I hope you have a great time, with your families whatever type of family it is, with your kids, partners, cats, plants. Whatever floats your boat. And to the rest of you who don't celebrate, I hope you find the strength to get through it, lord knows it aint easy, and if you want just a tiny sprinkle of holidays in your life, may I suggest a cute book to read?

Cheers, may the booze flow slow and the time pass fast. 

Summertime sadness.

Kiss me hard before you go, summertime sadness. I just wanted you to know that baby you're the best, I got my red dress on tonight, dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight, got my hair up real big beauty queen style. High heels off, I'm feeling alive, oh, my God, I feel it in the air, telephone wires above, all sizzling like a snare. Honey I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere, nothing scares me anymore...

I'm feelin' electric tonight, cruising down the coast goin' 'bout 99, got my bad baby by my heavenly side. I know if I go, I'll die happy tonight. Oh, my God, I feel it in the air, telephone wires above all sizzlin' like your stare. Honey I'm on fire I feel it everywhere, nothing scares me anymore. Kiss me hard before you go, summertime sadness, I just wanted you to know, that baby you're the best. I've got that summertime, summertime sadness, summertime, summertime sadness.

“I love you, I think, and you are my home.”

I've been staring out my window for a good hour now. Just watching the trees. Isn't it funny when fall arrives, they change color and start falling, first one, then two, then a few more and then suddenly they go all together and there's nothing to the tree but the bare ''skeleton''. Long empty branches reminding you of what once was. Ever considered us humans are just like that? People, things, events, trauma, chipping away at us till there's nothing left? Yeah every spring trees get green again, new life, new start…I suppose for us that start is a bit harder to achieve. I never liked the fall, it's the whole dead, cold, dark, wet, gloomy part that follows that I despise, the part I wish I could skip alltogether. 

Which is why there hasn't yet been the post with the summer get away. First off missing the warm summer sun and the beach is one thing, and having no energy to actually edit pictures is another. I have no idea when did photography turn into a chore for me. Just like Inktober. I have no idea when it stopped being fun and it's only my stubborness that made me see things through. And the third reason is that obviously my photos contain pictures of me. Go figure. You know this year is the first year that I actually took a lot of pictures at the beach? I actually felt confident and good about myself so I took tons of pictures in bikinis. I don't usually do that, because well easier to hide behind the lens,  and secondly I don't want that kind of attention. 

I find it so upsetting how many people that haven't talked to me in YEARS reached out to me after posting just one picture on Instagram. By people I mean men. Why do women put up with men? Because when I complain and my best friend says ''oh you know Nikki not all men…'' she's right. Henry Cavill would never. But really, and this is a question for my guy readers. You think being sleazy will make us magically drop our panties? You think gross comments will make us swoon? You think I appreciate it when you tell me my art is fine but you rather look at me? I'm offended not flattered. This is not a ''in a room full or art I'd still stare at you'' type thing, all you made me feel is like a shitty artist or just not good enough or just…how is a friend a friend if they can't support your work but stalk your private profile? Like I can't…this is a when you wear something with a cleavage and men stare down your shirt instead of into your eyes when you talk type thing.

You think cheap pick up lines are a way to a womans heart? You think any of these tricks actually work? Deep sigh. I am once again considering of removing the ''private instagram''. I know it's stupid. I know I should be able to post what I want and just block / ignore the assholes but when it's 10 assholes a day and once nice person every few months it just gets exhausting you know. I get so pissed off when every now and then there's someone on my ''business profile'' and all they do is like ALL of the stories in the ''my face'' category but don't even look at anything else. It makes me roll my eyes all the way into my skull. Serious question, what happens if I proclaim I'm a lesbian on all profiles? Will these creeps fuck off then? No disrespect to my LGBTQ comunity, you guys know I love you, I'm just wondering, will this send a message to sleazy men that I am NOT interested? Sigh…

In connection to that you get a book review today. Because there are three things I am positive about. First , Edward was a vampire. Lol, kidding. Not that book. Three things I am positive about, there are too little strong female main characters in books, there are too little women in STEM (science, technology, engineering and mathematics) in books and no matter how many friends to lovers, enemies to lovers, rivals to lovers books you give me, I will read all of them. What can I tell you I'm a sucker for happy endings. Here's the deal, my heart will always belong to fantasy worlds of Lord of the rings and anything like the Witcher ( whyyyy Henry why?! I mean I know why and my respect for you really grew even more but seriously just why?! You don't expect me to watch Hemsworth in leather and swoon do you? Gross. ) but sometimes I just need a cutsey romance to get through the day – week – month. 

Ok so I'll do a ''Love on the brain'' review first because everyone reads Ali's ''Love Hypothesis'' first (so did I) and then bitches about ''LOTB'' (I'm not going to). Here's the deal, yes there are simmilar stories but if you're not a complete idiot you'll figure that out by reading the summary on the back and go figure you can chose just not reading a book instead of bitching about it? I know right, wild idea. 

First of, Ali bestie I love you. Thank you for the love for women in STEM and for highlighting the issues they face. I can't believe that in the lords year of 2022 we still have to fight for equality. Sigh. God forbid huh a woman scientist. Or worse a woman scientist better than her male colleagues, the world might spontaneously combust just at the thought of that. 

Secondly I will never believe anything but, that men written by women just don't exist. Seriously. They don't. Men in books written by women are the sole reason we sit alone with our cats in matching onesies, watching tv shows about serial killers (or as I like to call them instruction manuals). You don't actually expect me to read about Levi Ward, Adam Carlsen and Aaron Blackford and be normal about it do you? 

Here's the deal, ''Love on the brain'' is more relatable to me. No, I'm not as smart as Bee (I wish I was) but the setting in NASA and her general appearance with piercings, tattoos and purple hair that's closer to me than anything. (Dying my hair back to purple next week. So excited!). 

So a short summary in case you're unfamiliar with the story;

''Bee Konigswasser lives by a simple code: What would Marie Curie do? If NASA offered her the lead on a neuroengineering project – a literal dream come true – Marie would accept without hesitation. Duh. But the mother of modern phsyics never had to co – lead with Levi Ward. 

Sure, Levi is attractive in a tall, dark, and piercing eyes kind of way. But Levi made his feelings toward Bee very clear in grad school – archenemies work best employed in their own galaxies far, far away. 

But when her equipment starts to go missing and the staff ignore her, Bee could swear she sees Levi softening into an ally, backing her plays, seconding her ideas…devouring her with those eyes. The possibilities have all her neurons firing. 

But when it comes time to actually make a move and put her heart on the line, there's only one question that matters: What will Bee Konigswasser do?''

Before I start with the review WHICH WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS SO BEWARE, can I just say it's hard to focus with helicopers and tanks roaring around? Always fun living next door to the biggest military base. Just waiting for that moment in the day when fighters swoop in and do a couple laps in our skies. Shut up those I love so much. The sound alone gets me all excited, nevermind the barrel rolls they're doing above my house. Lol. And I especially enjoy my dumb neighbors (haven't complained about them in a while huh?) bitching about the noise, the ''danger'' and so on and so on. Scared of a teeny tiny practice fighter. Wonder what they'd do if F-18s of fifth gen flew over our heads. Which reminds me of my time in Tuscany right next to their air force base I think it's ''Rosignano'' beause Aviano is way higher up, I flipped with happiness because they actually had stealth fighter jets that took off without a sound from an underground hangar. Insane! Pretty sure they were Boeings F15 silent eagles. Shut up I love fighter jets. 

I'm so off topic right now, lets get back to the book. So spoilers ahead be warned and don't come bitching at me that I ruined the book for you later. Also a question, I got a suggestion to add links below where to buy? Is that something you'd be interested in? 

I keep letting other people opinions influence me so I went into this book a tiny bit sceptic. I don't know why because if there's one thing I learned it's that I HATE everything popular (Collen Hoover) and LOVE everything other people hate. Funny isn't it? If people in general don't like it then I'm bound to love it. So it was the same with this one. I read so many negative reviews only to love the book myself in the end. Read it in one afternoon. Already excited about Ali's third book coming out next year but more on that another time.  Love on the brain in my opinion is the perfect amount of drama, romance and comedy.

Imagine after some devastating career blows you get an offer from NASA. Yes THE NASA. Here I am my brain melting though I'll never get the chance. Sadly. Maybe if they ever need an assistant to make scientists coffee or something like that. Hah. So imagine Bee gets an offer from NASA she's over the moon about it OF COURSE and then the other shoe drops. It's always that way. Always. Nothing good ever happens without something else going wrong. It's like tipping the scales, you can never have light without dark type thing. So accepting the NASA gig means Bee is working with Levi, her arch enemy. He constant rival. Her nemesis. Now she knows he hates her (not at all) and she doesn't want to see him again let alone work with him. But to get away from her job and terrible boss she needs this project to work out. So whatcha gonna do? Bite the bullet aye?

Listen I love Bee she's adorable, she's badass, she's smart, and sometimes just such a bimbo like how did you not realise that boy is head over heels for you girl? I love her style, I love her purple hair (vegan yay!) I love her humor and I hate how she's underestimated and pushed to the side too much and assaulted, but that's how it is for women in STEM no? I love her fangirling over Marie Curie and how she made a twitter account to connect a whole community, that was such a fun addition to the story and go figure now we all know a bit more about Marie which I can only call a bonus. 

Now the sciency part of the book? Sounds great but I have no idea what they're really doing. Stimulating parts of astronaut brain to help control emotional response? Something like that? I think. It was interesting to read even if a bit confusing at times. And I seriously hope NASA would not care about her purple hair. I like to believe what's inside that head that matters not on it.

AND now we get to the absolute cinnamon roll, sunshine, adorable baby that is Levi Ward. We start off with this cold, shut off Levi, he's silent, he's moody and broody, he's avoiding Bee, he seems rude to her, but that's just because he's an idiot and doesn't know how to deal with his feelings and actually talk. If they just talked to eachother and cleared misunderstandings would be so great. Why are people like this really? I know laying your cards on the table is scary but if we did it more often…life could be hella easier. Says the girl that has never been honest about her feelings in her life. The whole dynamic between him and Bee besides avoiding of course lol is so cute. He respects her, listens to her, and just is there for her you know. Call me late at night from a cemetery and I'm there in ten minutes type thing. And I'll make you dinner and give you itch relief cream…sigh. AND to make matters worse you guys, he's a cat dad. I can't. Seriously men written by women do NOT exist. 

There's this long post…LONG post. A confession, Levi tells Bee how he feels about her, not knowing he's telling it to her. Confusing I know. Read the damn book. But seriously that confession has got to be one of the cutest things I've read. Here's to sitting on the couch with your cat and wine daydreaming about what's it like to have that perfect match. It's kinda funny really how Levi has been in love and pining over Bee for years and she misread it as hate. I mean they do say that there's a fine line between love and hate but still. Funny. I actually loved all the frustrating moments where he almost told her why he doesn't hate her but was always somehow interrupted. Frustratingly funny. 

Listen to me. Bee has an assistent called Rocio. And I am in love. For real. Goth girl. Drama queen. Boots. Heavy makeup. Jet black hair. Rebel. That whole ''we're all going to die'' dark depressing vibe? Cmon you guys she's basically me. Of course I love her. Bee also has a sister who is everything I wish I was. Free spirited, today in Paris, tomorrow Norway, next week god knows. Let's pretend I'm brave enough for such a lifestyle. And oh my god I just had a random enlightenment (is that how this word is spelled?). You know that ''You've got mail'' is one of my favourite movies? I don't actually have a copy because movies on DVDs are so hard to get here, so usually they run it on tv each year in like November or December and I'm glued to the screen. I know it by heart by now but I love it still. Anyways, no wonder I love this book, it has some major You've got mail vibes. 

Oh you guys there's quite some NSFW parts in here…*wiggles eyebrows* just saying. It gets pretty steamy. Now to wrap this up, let me just say I love how Bee has each country she lived in tattooed on her back, each one representing home, and I love how the line of tattoos ends with the outline of the house she lives in with Levi because in the end that is home. Fuck. So sweet. Don't you just love a happy ending? I do. Maybe because in real life they just don't exist no more. Let at least my books be happy. Or it's the way my ex told me that I'm obsessed with finding love because I can't love myself. Sounds rude, but he's actually right. So, for the actual ending (can y'all believe I'm writing again? Must be a miracle on it's own) enjoy this tiny doodle of Bee and Levi plus bonus Schrodinger who makes me wonder will I ever learn to draw cats? Sigh. I love how this one came out though, for a doodle it's better than my usual work *cough* inktober *cough*. And yes I do have NASA sheets. Shut up. 

E forse il mare è dentro di lei.

Do you ever get this feeling of absolute calm, while watching the ocean? The feeling of elation or joy when the sea foam tickles your skin? The feeling of being refreshed when that first splash of cold water hits your heated body? How about that feeling when you dive underwater and there's nothing but silence and peace around you, and you watch the sunlight break on the waves from under the water line and shimmer all around you? How about the feeling of a wave hitting your legs and then pulling back from under your feet, while your toes dig deeper into to the sand? Do you ever yearn for the ocean? Yearn for the healing powers only the ocean has? The power to heal, refresh, recharge, restart...The way only an ocean splashing against the shore can heal your soul. The way only the calm waters can soothe your anxiety, the feeling of being lost, the feeling of being upset...the feeling of your worries being carried away on a wave. Are you ever fascinated when the ocean gets a little too wild, at it's raw power? Do you ever take a moment to marvel and respect mother nature? Do you ever stand in wonder at all the amazment and unknowns of the deeper waters? Of the amazing sea life? Do you feel the water revive you when you jump in and just float on the salty waves? Are you ever fascinated by the myths, the pirates, the mermaids, the unknown sea creatures that may or may not exist?

Have you ever just laid on the deck of a sailing ship, docked in a remote bay, gentle waves rocking it just a tiny bit and nothing but the starry sky above you? No light pollution, no industry, just the night sky, the entire Milky Way above your head...have you ever shared it with someone, watching the stars reflect perfectly in their eyes? Have you ever just sat in the car and drove South. Out of the city. On the roads that wove in and out of the forest, surrounded by trees and then suddenly you catch a glimpse of the ocean. Vast, neverending, blue, breathtaking. Are you longing for the sea but you're afraid of the water? Well maybe the power of the sea is inside you. 

Enjoy these sunsety pictures, all taken with my old Panasonic set on ''sunset'' mode, unedited because I'm lazy and because well some things just don't need no filters. More photos from a brief seaside get away to follow so stay tuned...for now just this much because it's raining outside and I'm missing the warmth, the summer, the ocean like crazy today....

P.S. How about that ''ufo'' in the last two pictures?