Who will change the world.

How was your first week guys? If this is a test trial period then I don't think I want the full subscription. Sigh. However today you're not getting any wisdom from me. Today I'm sharing an article by a local reporter (B.S.), which I will translate but I will not be sharing his name or the magazine name, if you're interested send me a private message, I won't post publicly so they don't get backlash or unwanted hate mail. Obviously all intelectual properties in this blog post  belong to said reporter. I hope you read it even if in parts it reads like a crime novel. Most important thing you need to know though is that this article was posted in July of 2010! 12 years ago. I think it's a fascinating read, especially in the year 2022 and even more so how we the people colletively forgot about all the things in the article. 

A crime against taxpayers

Last year's hot summer was marked by fear of the swine flu virus, which many prominent experts and also the world's most serious media fell for. 

The whole industry was waiting for a pandemic… Tom Jefferson, epidemiologist.

The United Nations and business need each other. We need your innovation, your initiative, your technological courage. But business also needs the United Nations. In search of an ideal environment in which business could flourish… Ban Ki-moon, UN Secretary-General.

Last year's hot summer was marked by fear of the swine flu virus, which many prominent experts and also the world's most serious media fell for. Probably because the H1N1 virus, first discovered in Mexico, was in fact unstoppably conquering the world at the time. By the end of last April, in just a few days after the discovery, it had quickly infected nine countries. In mid-June 2009, it was detected in 74 countries. Just two weeks later, in the first days of last July, the World Health Organization (WHO) was horrofied to report that the virus was already killing in 120 countries. At the beginning of May this year, it owned practically the whole world. H1N1 has been discovered in 214 countries and overseas territories.

The scenarios that unfolded after last year's outbreak of swine flu in Mexico were at first downright horrific: the H1N1 virus will infect at least two billion people, hundreds of thousands will die… In the US alone, $ 2 billion was instantly spent on drugs, and the government allocated an additional $ 7.5 billion for prevention. But the apocalyptic predictions did not come true. As they did not with sars and bird flu. By the beginning of May this year, 17,919 people had died from the virus, but the common seasonal flu is taking at least ten times as many lives worldwide. It causes 250,000 to 500,000 deaths each year, according to the WHO. Independent experts say that this "terrible" new flu has even proven to be the mildest form of the disease since the official outbreak of influenza in the world »

Panic with a background

So the panic was unnecessary. So who triggered it and who benefited the most from it? It is clear that the World Health Organization has acted unscientific and irrational in this story, warns British MP Paul Flynn, rapporteur of the Council of Europe on the subject. As early as May last year, China, Britain, Japan and some other influential countries, as the Associated Press reported at the time, loudly warned WHO to be careful with announcements about the spread of the disease, as there could be unnecessary panic and confusion. But in Geneva, where the WHO is headquartered, such advice has not been heeded. In the same month, they first changed the definition of a pandemic (mortality was no longer important; by then, only 144 people had died from the H1N1 virus worldwide), and then on June 11, 2009, the new disease was declared a pandemic.

German epidemiologist dr. Wolfgang Wodarg, who was the first to launch a serious expert debate on this topic in the Council of Europe last December with his False Pandemic - Health Threat initiative, firmly believes that Geneva did not decide to declare a pandemic out of health concerns, but it was a carefully planned move aimed primarily at boosting vaccine sales. “There is simply no other explanation for what happened. Why else would we change the definition of a pandemic? ”Said the then ruthless Wodarg, who is no longer in the Council of Europe. As he was not elected to the Bundestag in the last German elections, he is no longer a member of the German delegation to the Parliamentary Assembly of the Council of Europe (PACE). That is why his mission was taken over by the British Paul Flynn, who, together with the German, prepared a truly excellent and highly critical report for the June PACE meeting in Strasbourg. It should be seriously considered by all European governments, which in this story (un) intentionally fell for experts and earners from the pharmaceutical industry.

Vietnam War virus

H1N1 has been declared a completely new and hitherto unknown virus by the World Health Organization. But practice has quickly revealed that this is not the case. Patients over the age of 65 reacted significantly differently to the virus than younger people. This could mean that they have met it before and thus maintained their immunity. This was also confirmed in Strasbourg by prof. dr. Ulrich Keil from the Epidemiological Institute at the University of Münster. According to him, the virus was brought to the United States in the 1970s by soldiers returning from the Vietnam War.

The disease was already christened the Asian swine flu at the time. The panic was considerable. Nearly 40 million people were vaccinated in America at the time, fearing it was a virus similar to the Spanish flu that killed tens of millions of people after World War I. But the vaccination was stopped the moment they found out that it was basically a very mild disease. The swine flu at the time claimed only one death in the United States, and at least 30 people died from the vaccine. The side effects were devastating. As many as several hundred Americans have been diagnosed with the incurable Guillain-Barr syndrome, which also causes paralysis.

Also this time, comparisons with the Spanish flu were completely superfluous, adds dr. Keil. This took place in the historical context of the First World War. It was transmitted by soldiers who, due to malnutrition, exhaustion, wounds and lack of medicines as we know them today, were easy prey for all possible viruses and diseases. Therefore, the deadly harvest at that time simply cannot be compared to today's times, as medicine today is completely different from health care almost a hundred years ago, warns Dr. Keil.

Fact is that those who decided on the pandemic were exaggerating. What they wanted to achieve with that, only they know. The panic was terrible. For example, Karin Andersen, an MEP from Norway, said in Strasbourg people in the queues in front of health centers were literally fighting for the vaccine out of fear of the virus. And condemned the politicians for failing to provide a sufficient number of doses in a timely manner.

But the problem was also that, due to panic, even doctors in many places could no longer distinguish between flu and flu-like illnesses caused by at least two hundred different viruses. Epidemiologist Tom Jefferson of the Cochrane Collaboration, for example, says only 7 to 15 percent of patients with flu symptoms actually get swine flu. In many countries, therefore, there are serious difficulties in distinguishing between patients who died of swine flu (had flu symptoms but died of other pathologies) and patients who died exclusively of swine flu (this was the leading cause of death). The confusion was therefore complete, and the conditions for falsifying statistics - and fishing in the mud - were also ideal.

Geneva Secret Committee

One of the main bodies dealing with epidemics and pandemics in the World Health Organization is the so-called Strategic Advisory Group of Experts (SAGE). But the Director-General of the WHO - this task is now performed by Dr. Margaret Chan, who did not get vaccinated against the flu, as she allegedly did not have time for that - she can also appoint a special Emergency Committee in case of serious complications. Said committee has met eight times since the outbreak in Mexico and the United States in April last year until May 2009. And apparently fatally influenced the fact that Geneva then decided to declare a pandemic.

But when the Council of Europe asked the WHO for the names of the members of this committee, which are secret by agreement, the Geneva response was negative. Explaining that these people would be subjected to terrible pressure from various companies and interest groups after their identities were revealed…Strasbourg received a similar reply from The European Center for Disease Control and Prevention (ECDC), which has been operating in Stockholm since 2005. This institution also did not want to reveal the names of experts who were obviously on the same wavelengths when deciding on the pandemic with their colleagues from Geneva. The transparency of the operation on which Europe is actually based upon has failed the swine flu test. The scandal was complete with this.

Sleeping contracts

Different European countries have reacted differently to the pandemic. Some governments have already signed so-called "sleeping contracts" with pharmaceutical companies after the (completely harmless) bird flu, which activated them as soon as the WHO declared a swine flu pandemic. But a vaccine for them has not yet been provided. Companies started supplying it on a first-come, first-served basis, with prices two to three times higher than the usual seasonal flu vaccine. This "package" also included a clear warning that most of the vaccine's side effects would be the responsibility of the governments themselves »

The British government has earmarked £ 570 million for the vaccine, according to Paul Flynn. A huge sum, which was logical in the event of an outbreak of swine flu, as the British Ministry of Health predicted that the H1N1 virus on the Island would take at least 65,000 lives. By spring, less than 500 Britons had died from the flu…

They reacted similarly in France, where they initially ordered 94 million doses of the vaccine, worth 365 million euros. But because the virus turned out to be less scary than it was portrayed, official Paris managed to rescind the contract for 50 million doses. Only 5.7 million French people have been vaccinated against the flu. Some vaccines have been sold to other countries, but there are still 25 million doses in storage, which will expire later this year. So the government has thrown away a huge amount of money because of the pandemic, which did not exist. A real crime against taxpayers.

Poland said no

Similar dramas have taken place in other European countries. The only bright exception was Poland, which, thanks to the determined Minister of Health Ewe Kopacz, a former pediatrician, did not buy the vaccine. Warsaw intended to do so. It is expected to be bought for about two million of the most vulnerable people. But the conditions set by pharmaceutical companies for the purchase were unacceptable to the minister. The traders demanded that the government take responsibility for any possible side effects. “I will not buy medicines from you that you do not guarantee for. When writing a prescription, you must first ask yourself this question: Would you prescribe this medicine to your children or your mother? ”Ewa Kopacz was determined, and the pharmaceutical giants left Warsaw disappointed. The Polish minister was one of the few in the world who realized in time that the swine flu pandemic is not as serious as it is portrayed, and that it is clearly due to great financial interests.

There was a great deal of logic in these reflections of hers. The results of the financial operations of the large pharmaceutical companies that produced the vaccine actually showed huge profits. According to the well-known investment bank JP Morgan, the companies are expected to generate profits of between 7 and 10 billion euros by selling the vaccine in 2009 alone. They were right at JP Morgan. Sanofi-Aventis, for example, announced earlier this year that the company generated as much as 7.8 billion euros in net profit last year. Largely due to the successful sale of the swine flu vaccine.

Untested vaccine

Dr. Wolfgang Wodarg claims that the pandemic has enabled pharmaceutical companies to turn large piles of money into overnight (secret) contracts with governments precisely because of good "business ties" with the WHO. Pharmacists have thoroughly prepared for this event. Also with the development of super fast - newly patented and therefore more profitable - methods for making vaccines in bioreactors with the help of fast-growing cancer-like cells. But these vaccines have not been clinically tested and can therefore be very dangerous. Neither children nor pregnant women should be vaccinated with them, warns Wodarg. In Germany, for example, Novartis optaflu was therefore rejected.

It is clear that in recent years a strong and extremely strong network of corruption has been forged between Geneva and the pharmaceutical giants. With a single goal: to make as much money as possible. The WHO has persistently denied this, but has not provided any evidence to that effect. Some media have therefore recently started a real hunt for influential people in the World Health Organization, who also had close ties with the pharmaceutical industry. One such was dr. Albert Osterhaus, a member of the WHO’s Strategic Expert Group of Advisors, has had his fingers in all the panic reactions to viruses they have discovered over the past decade. That is why he was nicknamed Dr. Flu…

Under pressure from the public, including the Council of Europe, Geneva decided in June this year to launch an investigation into possible indecent connections. But they tackled the problem again very strangely. It turned out that the commission of inquiry included as many as six members of the aforementioned emergency committee, which essentially made all the key decisions. These six men were therefore to judge the decisions they themselves had proposed to the WHO's top leadership. A farce without precedent. When this detail came to light, two controversial members of the commission of inquiry immediately resigned, and the remaining four are still not bothered by this conflict of interest.

The real killers of civilization

The fake swine flu pandemic has revealed a series of abuses and irregularities that plague virtually all of modern society today: complete non-transparency in making important decisions, corruption, clientelism, intertwining business interests. And worst of all: earnings were more important in this story than people’s health. In apparent alliance with the pharmaceutical industry, which has smelled the opportunity for big profits here, the World Health Organization has shifted all its attention, influence and (taxpayer) money to a peripheral virus, while for the worst killers of today's civilization, such as high blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, diabetes, cancer or AIDS virtually does not care at all.

In less developed countries, for example, 26,000 children die every day from malnutrition and curable diseases alone. That’s almost ten million dead children a year! Shocking statistics, says Dr. Wolfgang Wodarg, but neither the WHO nor the governments of developed countries are doing anything about this terrible number. There are no profits with the poor! However, these same governments were all at once willing to spend billions of public money to tackle the not-so-dangerous H1N1 virus. Really upside down world.

Who will change the world? Certainly not those who are silent about it. The fake swine flu pandemic has revealed a series of abuses and irregularities that plague all of modern society today. And worst of all: earnings were more important in this story than people’s health.

''The people are the government, and the people have the power. All we have to do is awaken the power in the people.''

I'm literally sitting here in the middle of the night updating and writing shit posts for two of my blogs in order to keep my breathing (should I say panting?) under control. I watched the Witcher. Binged watched the Witcher and I have a couple of problems. Starting with how dare they cast Henry Cavill as the Witcher. Oh my gawd I'm not okay. That gray hair, yellow eyes and leather does things to me which in turn make me wanna do things to him. Bad bad things. Lol. Second thing they're giving us all these trailers, sneak peaks before the release and my mind the entire time was just ''bard bard bard bard bard''. Literally. No joke. OH MY GOD HAVE YOU HEARD THE SONG?! (Burn Butcher Burn) It came from a broken heart? Please unfollow, stop reading, block my posts because this is all I'm going to be talking about for a long while. Henry's voice in that Witcher mode growl? Lord help me I need Jesus and a confession. So damn sexy. And I would literally sell my soul to the devil twice to have him wrap his hands around my neck and growl into my ear (straight of set, in his Witcher gear still lol). Though my fangirling and freaking out aside, season two is better in every single way than season one was. Also, I need Henry's necklace bad! Anyone knows any good replica shops? Let me know if you do.

In more important news, my fellow Tumblr and Apple users, y'all seen this new tagging bullshit right? I hope every single employee at Apple gets beheaded. Sincerly. I prefered iPhones over Androids always but this? This is seriously crossing any and all lines of good taste. Why the fuck can't I use the tag ''mine'' anymore for my art? What kinda fucking problem can Apple have with that? I get tags for things that may be triggering but here's a wild idea how about banning triggering things all together so no tags are needed? Huh? I mean like look at an example banning the tag ''antisemitism'' is only preventing the discussion about it but not the content itself. The only message they're sending out this way is that creating a bricked up garden with hateful posts is acceptable on social media while pointing out that it's hateful is not. What the fuck for real. Listen to me and listen to me good, I aint censoring myself and fuck them iOS users (yes I know I'm one of them).  If anyone wanna read the idiotism of blocked tags here's the list  (Click me )

My fave gotta be suicide prevention and safe sex. WHAT IN GODS NAME IS BAD ABOUT THAT APPLE?!

Also that aside, I need to focus on the vinyl playing (yes finally after a year, a miracle my player still works after being neglected for so long) music, which was put on the player in order to either prevent me from going into a fit of rage over Apple and our government doing idiotic, fascistic bullshit or getting overly horny over the perfect human being that is Henry Cavill. Clearly wrong choice of music since I'm still both, angry and horny which in normal circumstances aint a bad thing to be honest, aint nothing quite like a little rough, hate sex. But back to the music there aint nothing hateful or rough about this man… 

Y'all know I do not like the Beatles. Really they're not my cup of tea. Over rated in every aspect and why the hell would you listen to the Beatles when you had the Stones? But their solo work I love. Most of it anyways. McCartney and Lennon at least. Lol.

This album came out in 1982 and it was released after John died. As a tribute to his solo career. It was supposed to come out in 81' but I believe it was held back for a year due to some legal bullshit. Isn't there always some legal bullshit? I think this had to do with that some songs were owned by Geffen and some by EMI and they probably couldn't come to an agreement. The album of course includes some of his biggest singles from his solo albums as well as my fave song by him which no is not Imagine but Stand by me. Though of course Imagine has better lyrics and story, aren't we all dreamers after all? I might be into Stand by me far more due to a fond memory tbh. It's not everyday at a karaoke bar where you get a musician who is supposed to be a good singer but had one too many drinks dedicate this song to you in a pink feathery boa, howling like a wounded moose. Good times. Now I don't even know what karaoke or a bar are to be honest.

Over all the selection of songs is alright but a little strange. I mean starting with ''Give peace a chance'' such a John Lennon thing to say. We all should give peace a chance, we all should live in peace but honestly, I don't have John's optimism or dreamer nature so I can't imagine the world giving peace a chance, at least not as long as humans live. It's a great start of the record though. ''Instant Karma''? Yes. I wish daily that Karma whoops some butts of some people that really deserve it. Another one of those, will I ever see it moments? It seems to me that this world is far more prone to favour idiots and assholes than it is to favour good people. I'm not even talking about myself here, I know I'm not perfect, I know I've made many mistakes, pissed off some people, hurt some people. But I know people that are nothing but kind and caring and loving and they seem to be on the receiving end of all bad things, always.

Third song side A is important. ''Power to the people''. I take it if you're here reading this post you know at least a little bit about John Lennon, you know his political stance and his ''rebelious'' nature. So you'll know this song is a Revolutionary statement. He wrote this song as a call to action of sorts, a response to the radical politics in the 60's. Deja Vu these days aint it?

Basically the phrase speaks for itself, obviously indicating that the people need to take control from the governments and institutions, which Lennon himself fought for and advocated. I often think how miserable and disappointed he'd be in the world we live in now. I don't think he'd enjoy watching the governments trampling rights and abusing people, or maybe I'm wrong and he'd be the voice of reason, the person that starts a proper riot. You know the kind that burns cities to the grounds. Metaphorically speaking, we all know John wouldn't hurt a fly. But you know what he said about this song? It was during the time him and Yoko (ugh) were doing the footage for the Imagine documentary, he was asked about the precise meaning of the song. Stupid question because wtf are you an illiterate idiot or…? Anyways what John said was ''The people are the government, and the people have the power. All we have to do is awaken the power in the people.''

This statement is exactly what I'm trying to make people see. People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of it's people. The very first second people start being afraid of their leaders it's no longer democracy but totalitarism. And the fact that we let them get away with everything, the fact that we let them use and abuse us, let them decide what they think we should do with our lives, with our bodies, with our beliefs. It's absolutely perverse.

Cute story a month after this song was released the Chi-Lites ''(For God's sake) Give more power to the people'' came out and though they wrote mostly about love and heartbreak they occassionally released a political song as well. Though they wrote about feelings, didn't want to get involved, John Lennon was different, he was up to his balls involved.

And then you got ''Whatever gets you through the night''. Well John, freshly sharpened pencils, couple of sheets of blank paper and gallons of coffee. Most nights. Some nights staring at the nightly starry skies wondering if someone else miles away is looking at the same sky as I am. Some nights simply lost in my head in either scenarios that end up hurting me or fantasies in which someone and I'm not going to lie it's mostly Henry, is attending my deepest, darkest fantasies, making them come true. So there. That's what gets me through the night. What am I saying. Sometimes it's literally chilled JD Honey.

Fun fact. Whatever gets you through the night is Lennons only solo number one single in the US during his life and he was the last member of the Beatles to achieve this. Recording includes Elton John on harmony / back vocals and piano. And another fun fact / cute story. Elton bet John that this song would top the charts but John was so sceptical that he said if it does he'll appear on stage at one of Elton's preformances. So the song hit number one and Lennon appeared at John's Thanksgiving gig at Madison square garden in 1974, which was Lennon's last major concert appearance.

I don't need to specifically go into Imagine and why that song is so important and meaningful right? I think we all know what it means and what the message behind it is aye?

There's of course other songs on this album like; Dream (what are those?), Mind games (aren't we all subjected to those lately?), Love (what is that?), Happy Xmas war is over (is it though?), Jealous guy, (just like) starting over (that's all I really want, a fresh start), Woman (according to new Ios – tumblr tag block a woman no longer exists lol), I'm losing you (sigh), Beautiful boy (darling boy), Watching the wheels (what is he a dog chasing a car?), Dear Yoko (gross. Come on I can't be the only one with a distaste towards Yoko?). But those all aside let's focus on my fave one eh? Yes because it's my fave that's all you're getting.

The blonde singer that sang this to me in a bar. Oh my god. Lol. He butchered the song, if there was ever anyone turning around in their grave then it was John during this ''preformance''. Tho the lyrics were all correct the singing was…well..takes a few tequila shots to ''enjoy'' the howling. I also heard David from Simple plan sing Stand by me, few times. Loved it. But lets go back to the original song. Which is not Lennons at all! This always happens to me I love a song by a certain artist and learn it's not theirs at all but a cover. Sigh. Ok so the original was released in 1961 by Ben E King. And last time I checked there's about 400 versions of this song out there. Can you imagine that? 400 different versions of the same song. I imagine it's the same with Hallelujah though. Apparently King said it was inspired by Sam Cooke's song ''Stand by my father'' could be. And another reason why I like it. Lets be honest everyone knows I love me some Sam Cooke. Oh look another thing on my bucket list, I need like a greatest hits by Cooke vinyl with Cupid and Change is gonna come and most importantly Twistin the night away. Bestie and I would dance to that song on the frozen Lake Bodom being stupid together. Fun times. Imagine how much more fun it would be if that ice cracked under our feet. Lol. Thank god Finland is practially permanetnly frozen.

I love how John covered this song, I love the acoustic guitar and I love the solo in between. I always hate it when someone takes a song and wants to make it 100% the same. If you're a singer, put some of yourself in the song, make it your own nobody wants to hear the same song all over again only sung in a different voice. Like metal singers do with Disney songs? Yeah I love that shit.

Either way I need to wrap this up because there's a sketch of Tommy Shelby from Peaky Blinders on my desk screaming for my attention and if there's one thing I can't resist is fresh new sharpened pencils and a pretty face to sketch. Y'all watched this show btw? Amazing! I love it so much and Cillian Murphy is so good in it. I had a thing about him before, those eyes! But I feel like he was born for this role, clothes, face, hair! All of it fits. It wasn't my thing before till I was persuaded into watching it and since said person doing the persuading has to suffer through my moaning and panting over the Witcher…it was only fair I watch some of his content too. Thank fuck I did. (Also Tom Hardy!).

Right the album! The first posthumous release and it did super well, reaching number one in UK (of course it did) and number thirty three in US where it also went triple platinum but what's more important and also kinda creepy is that the front and back cover pictures (they're awesome aren't they?) were taken by the amazing Annie Leibovitz and just a few hours later John was murdered. Jeesh.

Either way, despite not being a huge fan this is an album I enjoy now and then. For calming your nerves and anger and horniness there's no better cure. Lol. I suggest you give it a spin.

So enjoy your week you guys, last week of 2021, I don't know should I be relieved or terrified? Either way I'm glad this shit year, another shit year actually, is finally ending.

This Christmas instead of gifts, I'm giving everyone my opinions.

People call me bitter a lot these days. Yea. Maybe I am. Maybe Christmas is something we should all enjoy despite our religious status.  Maybe the point of Christmas isn't that much in the birth of Jesus but spreading positivity and love and light (isn't that what he would of wanted?). Whatever that is. Maybe. 

It wasn't always like this you know, my dad and I did the whole Christmas tree, nativity scenes, lights, presents, the whole ordeal. The tree had cotton balls spread on it's branches to make it look like snow, all kinds of ornaments from all over the world, and a red star on top of it, with colorful twinkling lights. I admit the nativity scene was far off, we did a ranch with animals and cowboys and no baby Jesus but the effort was there. The dog had a Christmas hat pretending to be Santa's little helper and we had literally any and all types of food you could imagine. 

Things changed. The near word Christmas and those idiotic Christmas songs throw me into murderous rage. The lights make me sick and the all together gloomy atmosphere is enough to make one wanna slit their writsts. I'm here rambling and ranting because as per tradition of course my family already ruined any and all chance of a Holiday. After they succesfully threw me into a sour mood with their declaration of how stupid I am, my clothing style, my hair, the fact that I'm an idiot who's grades in school were handed to her and some more about ''getting nowhere in life''. Well…no wonder I'm cooped up in my room talking to myself on the blog. Here's the deal, Christmas in my book is hell. It's the same always. When we're forced to actually spend time together all hell breaks loose (yes you can imagine how much fun the last year has been). Maybe that's why I dread December instead of look forward to it. Maybe I just wanna be left the hell alone. 

And the crazy part is if I was allowed to decorate how I want without being called an idiot because ''that's just not how things work'' who the fuck decided how things work? And if I was seated at the table with people that are actually happy to have each other…maybe then I wouldn't be bitter either. I want a black Christmas tree with gothic ornaments and band logos, and a Grinch on top of it and someone who looks at me the way I look at puppies and Henry Cavill, watching Home alone with me while drinking hot cocoa which I don't even like but I would for the purpose of this fantasy. I guess I honestly only wish for love and understanding. And probably for the whole world to disappear but let's not get crazy with wishes. I guess starting small, at home, would do. 

The only highlight December, Christmas, New years, used to have were open air concerts in the city center, with cinnamon apple fries and mulled wine or hot gin. And well…yeah we know where we are this year. Depression. Gloominess. Darkness. Even the fireworks are quiet (bez tebe šuti vatromet)…''Most wonderful time of the year'' aye?

Lets not even start with the fact that people believing into a cosmic being born to a thirteen yearold without intercourse is my biggest problem but I learned lately that people will believe anything depending on how you present it to them. Though lets be serious there's one positive development. This year I was spared any and all Christmas shopping, I didn't have to watch shopping zombies in the store, I didn't have to lose my mind in a mall, I didn't have to drive and go crazy over no parking space. No Corona passport, no drama. Everything is good for something aye. 

Alright, instead of rambling I'll wish you those of you that celebrate a great Christmas day, I hope you spend it with your loved ones, family, friends, pets, yourself, your books, your vinyl. Whatever floats your boat. 

Merry Christmas guys.

We are no saints.

Todays song recomendation for you is ''Blind Channel - We are no saints''. I am obsessed okay. I mean yes more Finish boys to obsess over, what a shocker huh? But this songs lyrics speak to me. Especially about the part with the priest and a panic attack. You know what my dad always said? That if I ever go to confess the priest would probably combust in flames. Might actually be true as well. Hah. But speaking of the only reason for me to be caught in a confessional is to fulfill a dirty fantasy of having sex in there. Listen we all have our kinks this just happens to be one of mine. One that would probably have me arrested. I can't even begin to imagine if the police calls home to bail me out for this what my family would do. Mom would kill me but dad would probably laugh and say ''that's my girl''. I miss him. Have I mentioned that lately? Probably not, since things have been growing progressively worse day by day and the list of people to miss is growing longer. But yeah...

Can y'all believe that this year is almost over? I mean mentally I'm still somewhere in 2019, trying to process 2020, confused as fuck when people tell me it's almost 2022. Like how? How?! I don't understand. I was ready to drop bodies the other day when someone condescendingly told me that the 80's were 40 years ago. Wtf. I automatically think ''oh 20 years ago''. How is time even moving I don't get it at all. 

So here's the deal, did I accomplish my goals for 2021? Of course I fucking didn't. Did I look after my mental and physical health? Of course I didn't, they're both easily the most fucked up they've ever been. Did I manage a proper healthy diet and enough sleep? Laughable. Of course I fucking didn't. Was I happy at least for a few brief moments? Well fuck no. But I'm not here to dwell on all the negative. How about some positivity? And Jesus fucking Christ it just occured to me how hard I have to think about it. Not only what has happened in this past year because as I said above my concept of time is completely fucked and I find myself looking things up on the blog or emails to see when something happened. And it was even harder to think what the hell was even positive. Jesus not many things at all. 

I like to think my drawing skills improved immensely because I actually took the time to really work on my drawings, shading and perfecting details. Inktober was the most fun I had all year I'm not going to lie and the drawings created during this Inktober are easily my favourite ones. 

I actually made some new friends that might be reading this right now and they are all badass and I love them. So cheers guys, your friendship has been a highlight in this past fucked up year. 

Maneskin won eurovision. Super happy about that because I obviously love them. And shit I'm already struggling on the positive. My mother would say ''you're still alive'' yeah that is not always a good thing to be honest. 

I got and read some really fantastic books, while still pondering when the fuck I'll finally write my own. Always wanted to but lets be honest it won't ever happen, even if it wouldn't even be a tough task, all I have to do is use my crazy family and turn them into a story. That would probably sell like hot cakes. 

I think this is it. I think that's all the positive I can list. If I started listing the bad shit I think this blog post would never actually end. Sigh. It's been a very tough year you guys, I know, for most of us, so no point in whining. I'm literally selfharming with scrolling through old social media posts about a life I no longer have. I could never dream of concerts not being a thing and missing them this much. You guys! Last show I saw was October 2019 and the only real reason for not seeing a concert this long, for me, it should be death. Honest to god. To be honest all I really feel when looking back at this year is ''Sharp pains impaling through my heart, slowly tearing me apart'', as is the pain from losing the person who wrote this line. Sigh. 

Honestly I'm afraid to scroll back in this blog and have a look on my December / January posts. The whole constantly wishing things get better and they never do part is going to kill me. It's like being in love with someone that will never love you back, you know that feeling right? It's slowly killing you day by day by fucking day, like smoking, or drinking. It's hell. Pure hell and torture. 

Alright enough whining and self pity, the new Season of the Witcher is finally out and I'm going to play a game of ''can I watch the whole season in one night?''. Lol who are we kidding of course I can. Aint nothing like a little bit of gray haired and yellow eyed Henry Cavill in leather to warm up my cold dead heart, just don't ask what the story is about, I have no idea. #shallow 

“There is no ideal world for you to wait around for. The world is always just what it is now, and it's up to you how you respond to it.”

How is today another Monday? Are we still doing Mondays? I mean is that still a thing? And also why? What a dumb idea tbh. Had a nice chat today with the mail man, he (again) complimented my makeup that I pretty much only put on for him these days. Have I seriously came to a point where getting mail is an ''event''? Looks like it. I feel like a zoo animal when the mail comes, like the zoo keeper just put a new toy in my enclosure. Fun times. I need to start putting high heels on when I pick up mail too, because you know, they make everything an event. Maybe a feathery boa. Or that perfect little black dress. Hm. Last week I shocked the poor delivery guy with a silky black see through robe with furry sleeve ends and collar. There he is bringing some Harley parts trying not to stare at my tits while I lean on the door, cat in one hand, a glass of red wine in the other. I think shocking the mailman might be my favourite (and only) fun pass time activity these days. What is that new song Robbie Williams sings?

''Oh these are strange days, in many strange ways, science fiction I believe, has become reality.''

Yeah something like that Robbie. Something like that. 

In other news, have you guys seen the new photoshoot Keanu Reeves did for Esquire magazine? Oh my god you guys, I'm not okay. That man is like a fine whiskey, the older the better. I died a little bit not going to lie. Holy hell. There's a pretty good long article that goes with the photos too (like he wanna join the MCU? Are you serious?! Do you really want me to die?). Not that I read the entire thing yet. The pictures are far too distracting. He's the only one I'd marry in a heartbeat no questions asked all he'd have to do is say the words. Ke if you're reading, I'm still waiting ;) 

Now before this spins out of control again, my insane ramblings…I'm here for the book review I promised and I'm so excited because this book is what one of my favourite movies is based upon and while I saw the movie at least 30 times by now I never read the book before. Gasp. I know, I know don't say it. But really, I didn't read it beacuse getting stuff in this country is impossible. I wonder everyday how is it possible that we have color tv. But since by some miracle I finally got my hands on my very own copy I jumped at it and finished it in a day. Obviously. 

( Warm Bodies / Isaac Marion / Zombie Romance / Supernatural themes / slight violence)

Okay y'all know  that the Italian in me is strong. The love for everything Italian and Italy itself is undying and I'm clearly a hopless romantic though it does not look like it in my ''tough'' outer appearance. Trust me though, I absolutely melt at cheesy, stupidly romantic things, except V-day, that one I still despise. So obviously I prefer romantic books, but like with a twist, either supernatural romance or impossible romance with a happy end. The usual wnb erotica and simmilar crap that women seem to fawn over (cough 50 shades cough) makes me physically ill. Not because of sex, everyone loves a good NSFW part of a book but the writing is just so bad it makes me want to roll my eyes all the way into my skull and not in a good way *wink wink*. Pick up a damn Hemingway novel like Farewell to arms and learn what a true love story really is. Spoiler alert 50 shades is not love but rather 50 shades of abuse. 

Back to Warm bodies. I fucking adore this story. Not because it's got everything I love, supernatural elements and romance but because it depicts such a great picture of humanity. Not the ugly side that we all see now in a wnb apocalipse where people fight in stores over toilet paper. Sigh. Speaking of, anyone got an idea yet about why the fuck people hoard toilet paper? If you do, please leave me a comment below, I'm dying to know. But no, the picture of humanity this story shows is that humans are in fact born out of love and can also be reborn out of it too. Kindness, courage, empathy and love are the only way to heal a sick society because it's the only thing that makes us human, the only thing that separates us from beasts. 

Straight from the start this book is not at all what I expected. It's nothing like the movie at all. In most cases books and movies are nothing alike sure, but these two are really different.  Things that happen in the book don't happen in the movie at all and vice versa. What matters though is that they both have a happy ending, if the book per say would be different and tragic, I'd set this whole world on fire. No joke. 

I love Isaacs (I keep want to write Oscar, shows you just where my mind is, with a sexy latino) smooth writing. From the point of view of ''R'' the zombie he starts the book with '' I am dead , but it's not so bad. I've learned to live with it''.  Just a short straight to the point couple of lines that explain what it's like to be a zombie. To live in an eternal state of apathy, not really alive but not dead either, just existing. This also shows you why I keep saying we are currently in a zombie apocalypse. We're not really alive, we're just breathing, waiting, passive. Not really alive. 

R doesn't remember his name no more, rarely someone does, but he talks about his life in a cronological order, articulate and thoughtful. I mean I haven't met a zombie yet but this level of selfawareness would surprise me. So it's not really shocking that we learn along the way that R is different and that little bright light of hope. Hope for humanity. But that little light still needs a spark to shine bright. And of course since this is essentially a love story, where oh where can we find that spark? In a girl. Julie. Think of her as the first splash of color in a permanently gray world. I love how their names are R and Julie. You know Romeo and Juliet. Cue in Dire Straits playing in my head. I love that song. Also R's friend ''M''? A homage to Mercutio perhaps? There's a cheesy balcony scene as well to make things even more perfect. 

What I love so much is the progress of the story, each page you turn, the more human R becomes. He grows and glows with Julie's presence. Literally he grows with love and isn't that what's it supposed to be like? Love making us the best version of ourselves? Making us grow? The romantic in me wants to believe that's what it should be like. I still want to believe in love and magic despite the fact that the world keeps proving me I'm delusional. It's not a typical love story mind you, emotions are not as strong on every page as you'd imagine in a regular love story but it's more than obvious that love is the driving force and love is what makes it all worth while in the end. 

In theory this book is the most unique work of fiction I've read in a while. The whole post apocalypse survival isn't that odd of course but the first person narrative being a zombie is a first for me. Never mind a philosopher zombie, questioning all those why are we here, and life purpose kinda questions. And though he has all these questions, and though he can't use enough words to actually voice his thoughts, there is nobody around that would actually care. I felt that. More often than not I feel the same way, like people just don't care about what I have to say, or what I'm thinking, or what I'm feeling. Another thing I can relate to is the fact that R hoards little artifacts he picks up on his trips to the city. Mostly vinyl though. Now tell me that aint me lol. What I think though that while I hoard little things, things that remind me of good memories, some bad too (aren't I sadistic) I think R does it to keep him close to whatever little piece of humanity is left in him. 

The ''love'' story actually starts off pretty grusome, with R eating Perry's brains, Perry who just so happens to be Julie's boyfriend. I don't know if this is a general zombie thing but they say in this book that zombies eat brains because they see human memories, they're the only thing making them feel alive. It makes sense don't you think? Though I also honestly thing that with half of this worlds population zombies would starve but let's leave that aside for now. Imagine that learning about a girl from eating her boyfriends brain. I mean I heard of some pretty unusual dating techniques but this one might take the spot for the strangest lol. So from seeing Julie and from learning about her this way R decides she's not food but to be protected ''keep you safe''. Cute. 

While R feels guilty about killing Perry we learn from the book that everything is not what it looks like when it comes to Perry, who keeps on living through R and his memories. So from here on Julie and R walk on this path together, trying to discover what Julie stirred in R, why is he changing, and if these changes in him could be transferred to other zombies as well. I keep telling you guys, only love will heal the world. Nothing else. Love is the cure. But of course when were things ever as easy? Never. Of course the odds are stacked against them and of course everything that could go wrong essentially will also go wrong. Including with the meddling of Julie's crazy father. There's always gotta be a crazy someone ruining a love story huh? Humans really do destroy everything beautiful. 

I'm not going to go into the details of the entire ''crazy'' that happens to R and Julie along the way because then I might as well write down the entire book. But what I will tell you is things I learned from R. 

- Humans are absolutely scarier than zombies. Worst kind of animals that will destroy everything good left in the world. 

- It's most definately not our words but our actions that speak about who we are. Words are just words. Mostly overrated anyways.

- A name is just a bunch of letters, put together they form a word, pulled apart they're nothing. A name is a name, it's meaningless in the bigger picture because people usually don't remember you by your name but by what makes you you. Your actions, your beliefs, your identity. 

- Sometimes life goes up, sometimes life goes down, like an elevator. And sometimes the power goes out and you're stuck. 

- Sometimes having a brain makes a huge difference. Unless of course you ate your last piece then you're fucked. 

- Humans absolutely need that connection. Love is what jump starts R's heart and starts the healing process. We all need that someone that understands us and loves us like we deserve to be loved.

- Never underestimate the power of the perfect song that can say so much more than words ever could.

- And most important, never judge a book by it's cover. Sure, R is a zombie but that doesn't mean he'll rip your head off at the first chance he gets. People are rarely what you imagine and expect, why should zombies be any different? 

Maybe this book hits different in current times. Maybe we're all living in a zombie apocalypse only our zombies are alive, the dead part is only the humane part in us. Maybe we let it get this far by letting ourselves be controled and governed by things that never should play a part in our lives in the first place. Maybe that's why we're no longer human, just chasing things we'll never get, things that essentially don't even exist. 

Actually I picked up this book (well movie first but you get the point) looking for a little break of the typical vampire – human romance but what I found was a different kind of love. Love for a story that seems superficial but it's really deep with it's offering of a view on life. How if could be. How it is. And things that matter most, all those beautiful fragile things that we should fight to the death to preserve. All those little things that make us human, things that essentially make life worth living. They seem far and few but honestly, they keep us going. 

I'd absolutely recommend this book to everyone who's into a little romance and a little gore. And those who aren't, well get on with the program. Lol. 

P.S. Here's a little bonus, the tiny doodle from the picture above, it's actually my favourite scene from the movie, it happens a little bit differently in the book but still. And while we're on the topic of the movie, just how dare you…how dare you make the zombie that attractive? Wtf. 

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong in the broken places.

''Ma che diavolo stai facendo?'' That's pretty much what I ask myself every morning when I put salt into my coffee or try to unlock my car with my iPod instead of car keys. I have no idea what's been going on lately, I'm way pass that come si dice? Confuso. Or well confusa if you prefer since I am in fact a girl (You'd not believe how many ''wait you're a girl?'' messages I get on Instagram…uh? Odd.). I think I've done all but sleep walked lately. But that just might be due to the fact that I don't sleep much. People tell me things like three times before I understand them, simple tasks, like ''put sugar in the red cup''…I really should pay attention, salty hot chocolate? Good. Salty coffee? Not so much. Maybe my brain is permanently asleep from the world around me, or the fact that it lacks challenge, or the fact that my regular depression is mating with seasonal depression which is mating with the gloomy gray constant rainy weather. Probably I'm transforming into a lizard, under my solar light basically 24/7. Ugh. Someone call Kafka.

Add some ridiculously sad music because all I listen to lately is my ''crying playlist'' on my iPod. No, you really don't want to know. And then I wonder if this darkness will ever lift. Well it doesn't fucking look like it and I'm adding to it myself. Sigh. 

I actually had a record review planned for today (or a book review, finally got into Warm Bodies) which felt ridiculous because I honestly haven't listened to a vinyl since…cazzo…I think it's been a full year by now. I know the music on the record I was supposed to review of course, but it still felt stupid. I really need some peace and quiet and alone time to enjoy my music again. And maybe some perspective in life to actually care about music again. And possibly no family at the doors of my room when Annihilator is playing asking me ''oh my god, does he sing ''like a penis rising''? '' um no. He's singing ''Like a phoenix rising'' get your damn mind out of the gutter. Speaking of Annihilator, I used to have their ''Set the world on fire'' album, figured I'd get a new copy because I always loved that one, and oh my god have you seen the prices? No matter how much I enjoy ''Phoenix rising'' or how much it reminds me of the smell of pumpkin spice latte and crispy mornings, with a certain blondie singing that song to himself while making that latte…sigh...some things are too expensive and some things, the best things, the best memories now, can't be bought with money. 

So random but, I caught a part of a conversation the other day on the street, between two women mind you. I'm not going to go into that whole ''brain dead bimbo'' rant because it's pointless…they talked about the ''worst things that could happen to them'' and I fell into a fit of giggles. Ladies if you're reading I owe you beer, coffee, coke, whatever is your poison because you made me laugh for the first time in over a month no joke. So what's the worst thing that could happen to these two? Breaking a heel on her brand new LV shoes, I mean I get it they're pretty shoes, but is that the worst thing? Having to do dishes right after her nails ''set''. What does that even mean? I'm such a poor excuse for a girl I know but what is ''set nails''? Dry nail polish or what? Or god forbid, her husband buying her a new car for her birthday and that car isn't red but black. Lol, must be a tough life, getting a car for your birthday that isn't the right color. But that's besides the point, for the rest of my walk I thought about the worst things I could think of happening to me, the ironic part is I have little left because all of them already did. Call it destino or whatever the fuck you want to but mostly…I have nothing left to lose, nothing left to fear. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. A friend told me once, that us damaged people, people that fear nothing are the most dangerous because we have nothing left to lose. I guess he had a good point.

Then I realised there is one thing, one thing that qualifies under the ''worst thing in the world'', one that feels like the sun will never rise again, and you know what that is? ''Being away from the person you wanted to spend your entire life with''. Yeah. That fits the bill. When you know that someone is just right for you and you for them, and everything is perfect and yet there's always something, the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong…everything. That is hell. That kills you bit by fucking bit daily. 

What can you possibly say or do when you're not enough to make someone stay? What can you do when you meet the love of your life and realise it's all about that perfect timing? The perfect timing that never happens mind you. How can you process and accept that no matter how perfect you are for each other, circumstances get in the way? Tell me, how do you fight this kind of destino?

One of my best friends (you have no idea how much I fucking miss you every single fucking day) was a big fan of ''Kintsugi''. You know what that is? Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by gluing the broken pieces together with powdered gold or simply painting the cracks golden. The point of it is to embrace the flaws and imperfections, to understand that broken things can be fixed, can be beautiful and can be even stronger. ''Scars'' are just part of life after all. He encouraged me to try it, because practicing fixing broken things may help fix what's broken inside of me. Great relaxation technique and a rescue to my favourite Halloween lantern that a cat knocked over and I couldn't say goodbye to, but nothing lasts forever and even slowly putting myself back together backfired. Said friend left and ever since nothing is okay no more, nothing inside me can be fixed no more and you know why? Because he took several pieces with him. Here's my advice to you guys though, we all go through rough times, some of us manage to put ourselves together faster and better, some never at all but while the critical world does nothing but judges your ''scars'' and cracks and imperfections, it misses out on the beauty how you managed to make yourselves whole again. Screw the world, don't let it piss on your progress and healing.

Another random wisdom of said friend, ''you know us broken people will always be able to love harder than the rest, we've seen the dark, we spent too much time in the dark, we learned how to appreciate everything that shines''. He didn't see though that he was one of those bright shiny things and the world, at least mine, is much much much darker since he's been gone. 

I know this post is a mess, a mess of confused ramblings, or just a mirror image of what's been going on in my head. A mess. Maybe this is why I should stick to music and books, at least there it's some form, pattern, some sense, meaning whatever you want to call it and not a mess of everything and nothing. I'll shut up and go back to two! drawings of blond boys that I'm working on. I know I know shut up don't say it. Look, I'm a simple woman I see blond hair, blue eyes and a pretty smile and I get a little stupid. Shit happens. One of said boys is Dan Stevens (wtf another Britt I'm fawning over? What's happening?) as Alexander Lemtov in the movie ''Eurovision song contest: The story of Fire saga'', you guys seen it right? I mean it's stupidly perfect and funny and I live for Alexander no joke, drawing him was a ''crazy sexy time''. The other drawing…well keep it undisclosed for now.

Before I actually quit the rambling, how bout a song recommendation? ''Lion of love'' by Alexander Lemtov? Hah, joke, though it does lift my spirits each time I hear it…no but seriously, I've been listening to a Croatian band called Vatra which means fire. They have a brand new single out ''Nova godina nije se dogodila'' which means ''new year didn't happen''. Great song. Really speaks to my feelings atm. As well as the new Simple plan song which I'm trying so hard to hate but I can't. Sigh.

''Zar je moguče, bas sad kad krenula je proslava, na ulicama tisuče ljudi, jesmo li samo mi ludi? Dok svi odbrojavaju mi se udaljavamo. Bez tebe, nova godina nije se dogodila, cimet, niti marcipan nemaju okus koji znam. Bez tebe, nova godina nije se dogodila, bez tebe šuti vatromet, puca mi led pod nogama a hladni sjeverni vjetar gradom zavija sretan. I tužno pada snijeg kao da zna, može i drugačije.''

Cheers babes, enjoy the weekend and see you sometime next week, with that Warm Bodies review, spoiler alert? I fucking loved it! 

“Anger is what we feel when we're helpless.”

On November 19th 2015, I posted the lyrics of a Sixx: A.M. song…speaking of anyone knows what the band is up to these days? Do they still exist now that Nikki is playing Mountain man up in Wyoming? Which btw is about the smartest thing he did in his entire life. I'd do the same if I could. Now point, I posted the lyrics on the private blog, of a song that really spoke to me at the time;

''Paint yourself a picture of what you wish you looked like, maybe then they just might feel an ounce of your pain. Come into focus, step out of the shadows, it's a losing battle, there's no need to be ashamed. 'Cause they don't even know you all they see is scars, they don't see the angel, livin' in your heart. Let them find the real you buried deep within, let them know with all you've got that you are not your skin.''

I guess in 2015 I had a little hope. Hope for…I don't even really know. I don't know what I want. The ridiculous miss America ''what's the one thing you'd wish for?'' ''world peace''. Yes of course I want world peace but I was thinking about starting a bit closer to home. It's not trivial things I want, I honestly I only wish for happiness. And you know what's the dumbest thing? I don't really know what would make me happy because I don't really know what it feels like. Hm. Maybe it's not happiness I want maybe it's liberta. You know…freedom. And not the way David Hasselhoff is looking for it in his 89' hit single which as corny and cheesy as it is I actually love. No actual freedom, to live, create, feel, explore, just to be. You know what I mean? I guess if not before in the last months we all learned the meaning of it. 

You know I've been to several Holocaust memorials and museums. Museums that document and explain the genocide, the imprisonment, the loss of freedom, the murders…there's a museum in Berlin with a huge tree where you get to hang your wishes, hopes, opinions of the museum on the huge branches. I wrote two one of them being that I wish, hope, dream, pray that nothing even remotely as horrible ever happens again. I don't know what to think lately with governments  blatantly walking all over human rights, squashing freedom and ruining lives. It can't compare to the horrors of genocide obviously but it's a new and different type of horror which in itself is just as bad. 

I was in Auschwitz in 2009. I never posted these, nor did I take many…feels I don't know, feels wrong taking pictures of a place where so many people died. 

I always wanted to go, though it seems ridiculous wanting to see just what monstrosity human kind is capable of. My aunt didn't spend that much time there, nor did her sister, their mother on the other hand was there for three years and eventually died a little bit before the war ended. I didn't get much info from her, part of me understands because you live through such a thing you sure as hell won't be talking about it. And part of me is kinda angry, stories are dying with the survivers and I feel like each story deserves to be heard. Every victim deserves a voice. In those bits and pieces she told me about arriving in Auschwitz on the train, the screaming Nazi's the dogs barking, getting the tattooed number…she mentioned that the tattooist was kind. After reading the book ''The tattooist of Auschwitz'' I can understand why. She also told me about senior Nazi's she met, all those people from history, the monsters…we see them as…I don't know as what. But she saw them as real people. She told me that the ''Angel of death'' Dr. Mengele was in fact whistling and had children running around him all the time. A thought that makes your blood freeze over. 

The story I wish most for, to hear it in it's entirety was how were my aunt and her sister released. The command came on paper from Hitlers office, may or may not be signed by him and arranged by her cousin that was a mistress of a senior Nazi officer. That's the one story I wish I heard but never really got the chance, my aunt was too reluctant to tell me anything but that he was an important figure in the Nazi machinery and the typical aryan man that fits the ideology, blond and blue eyed. Couple of pieces fell into place when I recently discovered some mangled letters with some ''Reichmark'' coins, she wrote to her mother in Auschwitz, she talks about forced labor in them, somewhere in Germany, near Munich I think, she mentions how loud the bombing of Munich was heard where they were. 

It's really sobering how little things like an orange meant the world to them at the time. And it's sickening to think how human greed works these days. It's never enough. Anything and everything they have. It's never enough. 

Why am I rambling? In the stack of my ''to be read'' books I had Heather Morris' ''Cilka's Journey''. It's been there since my birthday last year since it was a gift and I thought it's about time I read it. Because you know nothing like regular depression, mixing with seasonal depression and add a dark book to that as well. Don't get me wrong the book is great, just maybe the timing to read it is off.

I loved Tattooist of Auschwitz, Lale Sokolov was an amazing man and reading his story felt like a privilege. This book however once again received a ton of negative critique. Saying it's innacurate that things happening to Cilka are lies. Apparently Cilkas stepson himself filed a lawsuit against Heather Morris. Sigh. I didn't see it this way. Though Cilka Klein is obviously a real person, and she was both in Auschwitz and in Russia imprisoned this is by no means a biography, it clearly says on the cover ''based on a heartbreaking true story''. Of course all the facts can not be correct since Cilka was no longer alive to confirm or deny them. But ask yourselves how many Cilka's are there? I didn't see this story as Cilka's biography, I saw this story as a description of horrifying events happening to women during the war. 

*spoilers ahead*

Cilka is first introduced in the Tattoist of Auschwitz, Lale called her the bravest person he knows. I think it was the curiosity of the readers that got Heather to write the story, we all wanted to know what happened to Cilka after the war and let me tell you something a Russian prison was not what I expected. 

Cilka was brought to Auschwitz when she was only 16, she talks about the long train journey there, or if you prefer it's written how the train ride there would look like since this book is a mix of historic facts and fiction. We have a museum downtown that has a converted train cart inside, all walls of the cart are covered in pictures, posters of what Nazi propaganda looked like, one has a prison uniform behind plexi glass. Best part though is that there's a huge red button on one of the walls, if you hit that button, lights go off and the floors start shaking as if you're really on a train. You hear German screaming, dogs barking, the light is flashing like it would through wooden planks of the cart. It gives you an idea how it felt like for the prisoners arriving in these essentially cargo trains. Nevermind the lack of food, water, sanitation…

In the book we learn that Cilka was selected in a line up by an SS officer. The SS officer apparently made her an ''funktionshaftling'' (them crazy Germans with their complicated words) or simply put a ''Kapo''. Kapo's were prisoner functionaries assigned by the SS guards to supervise forced labor or carry out administrative tasks. In return their lives in the camp were a little easier if one can call it that, they got certain privileges as civilian clothes and private rooms  as well as they were spared physical abuse and hard labor as long as they preformed their duties to the satisfaction of the SS. After the war though the term ''Kapo'' was used as an insult, Jewish chronicle said that it was the worst insult a Jew can give to another Jew. If I was deluded before thinking they were all just prisoners and didn't really understand the full extend of a Kapo this book cleared that mess up for me. 

Cilka talks about doing what she had to do to survive. None of us really know what we would do in her situation so judging her or any other woman in her shoes is completely ridiculous. And she at least felt guilt and disgust and conflicted about what she was doing. Lets be honest people today do worse and not in fear of their life and get away with it just fine, probably sleep better at night than I do. What Cilka really did was act tough and cruel in order to spare the inmates from more cruelty that the SS would administer. I think the biggest issue with calling this book fiction was the fact that Cilka was Jewish and therefore no way a Nazi official would be with her. Uhm…how about Hitlers wife Eva Braun? It's kind of far fetched saying Cilka's story is untrue because a Nazi official wouldn't rape a Jewish woman. 

Now imagine that after all she went trough in her time in Auschwitz when she's finally free. Free in a way I know they didn't think they'll ever be, she is accused of collaborating with Nazi's and is sent to a Russian prison ''Gulag'' for fifteen years I think. She finds herself amongst political prisoners and other women imprisoned for ridiculous crimes you'd not think are even crimes.  The story follows what women had to deal with on a daily basis, hard labor in a coal mine, rape and beatings. A ''prize'' for induring war crimes, a ''prize'' for doing what you can to survive. I can't even imagine what that must be like. It's unbelievable how despite the cruel conditions, the inhumane treatment, prisoners showed kindness to each other. They helped each other. All I'm seeing today is humans but no humanity. If you lie injured in the streets, people will literally step over you. It's horrible. There's no kindness. There's no compassion. There's no love left. 

In the Russian prison Cilka befriends a doctor who employes her to help her, first with administrative work, then when she realises she's gifted and a fast learner, she's trained to be a nurse. It's as a nurse where she meets a fellow inmate that she's seen around camp, Alexandr (which is a character based on her husband) who she marries later after being released from prison. But of course Cilka being Cilka can't keep silent about certain things because she swore to herself she'll never be silent again which brings her all kinds of trouble. What exactly…well you'll have to read the book. I'm not spilling everything here. 

I think for me the most important thing about this book is to understand that Cilka was a real person, if that was the actual Cilka Klein or someone else is pretty much irrelevant. There were female prisoners that endured exactly what's written in the book, maybe my own family, that's a question that I'll probably never have answered.  So however you take this story you need to understand that the main elements are true, the horrors happening were true and more important than that it's not all a horror show, despite it all there were positives, courage, compassion and most importantly love. Something I'm missing in our far less cruel world. Cilka was released few years earlier when Khrushchev came to power. The story may end with Cilka and her husband going on to live a long life together back in Czech Republic – Kosice to be exact. But really the story is not of the camp or prison as such, the story is of survival, how she (or anyone like her) managed to survive thirteen years of hell.

The book ends with a quote by Morris that says ''Stories like Cilka's deserve to be told, she was just a girl, who became a woman, who was the bravest person Lale Sokolov ever met.''. All in all, I loved the book, the heartbreaking story of hope and survival, it puts things into perspective for you. It shows you how your daily struggles are really not that bad. It shows you that though it seems like it's the end of the world you really shouldn't whine and complain. It shows you what true strength really is. I can't imagine what the women in my own family had to endure and honestly I'm really proud that I  come from a line of such strong women. Women that survived and fought and never actually bowed down for nobody. And so I can't either. No matter how hard it gets, I need to be just as strong and carry on. Maybe alone. Maybe with people that think alike, but whichever way it goes I can't back down because I'd be a disappointment to them and that's far worse to me than anything else could be.