If I didn't have you there would be nothing left, the shell of a man who could never be his best.

''Le kaj v tvojih je očeh? Ta ples, ta led. Vse tvoje barve srca prelepe za oba. Ne morem vstran od oči preveč boli, ne morem vstran od srca bojim se da bi šla.''

- T.M.

Here's the deal. I don't do this. Like ever. I don't write blogs. I don't talk about my ''feelings'' like this. I got my ''tough guy image'' to maintain. But I'm making an exception today. Why? Fucking long ass story, but if we make it short? Why do we do crazy shit? Out of love obviously. Maybe vengeance and hate as well, but this one is all love. We've both been strugling lately. Life was a little crazy and a little messy. I want to tell my Queen some things she probably forgot along the way. Some things to show her that life is not as fucked up and as gloomy and as dark as it may look right now. Some things she's probably not even aware of. So sit down and shut up and let me proclaim my undying love to her, was that too much? It was, wasn't it. You can go, really, there's only one person that I really want to read this and she probably is while gritting her teeth along with ''that bloody idiot, how dares he hack my blog''. I'm sorry babe, I had to, now please, don't be stubborn and read what I've got to say.

I've been in love with this girl for almost ten years now. So help me god the first time I saw her, all long legs in black skinny jeans, combat boots on her feet and that washed out Metallica shirt. I was done for. She was 15 at the time, and I just joined the club her family was a part of all their lives. She was their ''princess'' and naturally off limits to me. Not to mention she was taken, of course she was, a girl like that couldn't possibly be alone. They were always together anyway and I remember hating the way they looked at eachother, it was pure torture. I didn't even understand it at the time, I didn't know what I was feeling, I didn't know I was jealous as hell because I fell for this girl so badly. We live in a small town, we'd always bump into eachother out on the streets, I'd see her in our bar, or in the clubhouse helping the boys work on their Harleys and let me tell you something, she'd kick all their asses when it came to fixing bikes. Or she'd sit in the corner booth in the bar, drawing, ignoring the world completly. I was so fascinated with the way her face would show nothing but concentration and everyone that dared to walk up to her and interrupt got told to fuck off right away. It was adorable really. She was nothing if not a wild child, and took no shit from no one. I remember walking up to her one day no particular reason, let's just say I grew a pair and finally decided to talk to her. Or better yet stole the waitress her drink and brought it over myself. She was drawing a portrait of Keith Richards, the very same portrait that is still framed on the wall in my office, focusing on every little line and wrinkle on his face. I told her it looks amazing and she looked up at me, grinning, saying thank you. I thought I died on the spot. Literally. That smile, shit, it makes the sun look pathetic. Which is why it's breaking my heart that I see so little of it these days.

We met ''officially'' a week later, another long story and a missunderstanding that had us both handcuffed and thrown in the back of a cop car. I know I should be worried but I wasn't. I was fascinated with the way blue lights were glowing in her bright eyes. She was so mad, going all wild child on those coppers. He pushed her inside where I sat cuffed grinning like an idiot. She goes ''oh you're here too?'' smiling a bit. I told her my name and she said ''cool, I'm Nikki, like the rockstar'' and I was done for. Done. That's probably the moment I knew there was no going back. She sat next to me sassing the cop each time he asked her anything and humming Metallica songs to annoy them even more. And if the situation wasn't too perfect, us sitting there together was beyond perfect. A month later was her birthday month, I ran into her downtown, her lips painted with a bloody red lipstick that made them look even better if that's possible and a little puppy in her arms. I remember that day because that was the day she was happiest. She adores dogs and getting one as a present was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone could of done for her. Which is by the way the trick I used. She has no clue but I kept bringing my dog to work because of her, not because I had nobody to look after him. I enjoyed watching her eyes sparkle when she played with the dog. It was beyond perfect. There was nothing ''girly'' about her at the time, actually there still isn't. She's always in skinny jeans, combat boots and leather, and her hair changes color every 3 months but so help me god nothing is sexier then those jeans and those washed out band shirts on her. There was a night I remember so well. She sat at the bar drinking whiskey shots, her eyes red and watery and I felt like my heart is being repeatedly stabbed. I couldn't stand the idea that something was hurting her this much. I remember when she suddenly left and I ran after her watching her look for her car in confusion. I asked her if she plans on driving like that because I knew better, she would never do that and she told me why not there's nothing more that can happen to her now. It was horrible. Absolutely horrible. Just those words alone killed me. I walked right up to her and took her car keys, we were so close I could smell whiskey and perfume and it was intoxicating. My head was litterally spinning. I felt like a complete idiot. Sweaty palms, head spinning, stuttering? Not much of a tough guy huh? I told her I'd drive her home and she told me no because she doesn't want to wake up in my trunk as a skin suit. That still makes me laugh. She did give in eventually though and I took her home, carried her into bed. I remember staring at all the band posters on her walls. She loved all the same music as I did. Even some local bands I didn't imagine anyone but me knew. The room was so her I never wanted to leave, messy clothes and guitar picks littered all over the floor, vinyl and comics in the corner, a guitar in the other corner and not even a square inch of wall free, all covered in posters, photography and drawings. Her own works. I had to be staring at it for like an hour, amazed by her talent and even more so when I noticed she had a picture of us together on the wall. A picture I had no idea was taken. Crazy how things turn out huh?

I remember walking into the club once, guys yelling over eachother, threaths and curses flying around. I had no idea what the hell was going on, till I walked into the back office looking for the president who sat on the couch with her. Her lip split open and I felt such rage. I wanted to rip someone's vocal chords out. I couldn't even understand why someone would hurt her, every single part of me was screaming at me to keep her safe to protect her from all and any harm and there it was an obvious reason someone didn't share my opinion. She can push your buttons, and make you mad, and hell you'd want to rip your hair out sometimes when you can't make her stubborn ass see something from a different perspective. She's wild, she's irrational, she's impulssive but it's challenging. You never know what's going to happen next and that's what's the best about her. You're never bored. That's why I couldn't understand. Why would anyone want to hurt her? If only I knew then that things are never as black and white as they seem. It's amazing though, all her teen years and later people always treated her badly. People she'd call friends. It's crazy. For someone so intelligent and smart and amazing, she always managed to find the wrong set of people to hang around with. There are some things I just can't make her see, she's not meant to be an obediant sheep, she's not meant to fit in, she's special, a leader not a follower and letting people change her is literally the worst thing she could of done. I wish I could make her see that she doesn't need to be something she's not to make people like her, those who do, and those who matter will love her for her. She deserves so much better then these idiots around her.

And I remember that night. I wish I could wipe it out from both our memories. I never ever want to feel like I did then again. I sat in the club working late when I heard about an accident, her license plates, three people have died. That's what they said. I wanted to die on the spot so I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. That whole week was an emotional rollercoaster. I didn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I don't even remember crying like that ever before in my life. That's how everyone found out how I felt. Well that and the doctor asking if any of us share her blood type and I told them I do and to take all of it because I don't want to live if she doesn't. It was a shock for all of them. And me. I didn't think the time will come when I'll actually tell them, tell anyone, say it out loud even. Saying it out loud made it real. I expected any of the guys breaking my jaw on the spot, but they were silent, nobody said a word. I was by her side the entire time and her first words to me after she woke up were ''why are you crying?'' boy was she oblivious. You had to spell it out for her. But that wasn't the right time for that. I had to tell her the bad news because I couldn't stand the thought of her hearing it from some stranger. And it was as bad as I imagined it. I knew it wasn't my fault but I felt like I was the one who broke her heart and I hated myself for it. We broke any and all hospital rules that night, I was right there next to her while she was laying in my arms and I felt tears soaking through my shirt and it was hell. I was in hell. I wanted to take all that pain away. I wanted to take it on me. Anything just to stop the sadness in her heart.

Things were as hard as you can imagine after that. We were friends more then anything, it wasn't the time to be involved any other way. And that was alright. I wanted nothing but to be close to her. Any kind of close I could get. I never stopped feeling guilty. Hell I feel guilty now. I know, I fucking know what happened wasn't my fault, but I wanted him out of the picture so bad but never like this. I saw her entire world falling apart and it was tearing my heart apart. It made me do crazy things, like keeping distance, I wanted her as far away as possible. I knew I wasn't right for her. She deserved so much better and with my position and lifestyle, I could never ask her to live like that even if I knew I'd give it all up for her. I fell in love with the way she loves her music, and her art and cars and bikes and animals, completly, totally, unconditionally and irrevocably. Well it slipped out one night when she came out after a long time and I kept my distance we got into an argument she'd tell me ''Why are you being such a dick? Why won't you even look at me?'' and I snapped at her ''Because I'm fucking in love with you''. I regreted it and I was relieved at the same time. It shut her right up she stood there staring at me, eyes wide, uncapable of forming any words. It was adorable and crazy at the same time, I couldn't believe she never even suspected it.

We moved slow from that point on, she was afraid to trust anyone, hell to love anyone else and I didn't want her to feel preassure. I didn't want her to think I'm interested in a little wham bam thank you ma'am, when in all reality all I wanted was waking up together every damn morning. The whole marriage, kids, white picket fence bullshit Americans have. Not like that would happen, she's not a ''desperate housewife'' as she puts it. But we're working on it. Not that it matters, just having her heart, having her love me as much as she loves me, more then I deserve in the first place, is enough. I would never need anything more in life as long as I have that. Why am I writing this down? It's just a small tiny fraction of our lives but I want her to remember that we've been through literal hell and so much shit together already and it only made us stronger in the end. And now it's the same. Life is so fucked up and future is scary but we're not alone. I got you, you got me and baby that's all the ''back up'' we need. No matter how hard it gets we're going to be alright because we're together. If I never make any other dream come true then just being with her is enough, enjoying the little things with her, the fact that we love the same music. Well, most days we do. Though honestly I even love how she'd play Nickelback when she's upset when on any other day she'd throw the radio out the window for playing them. I love how she tries to piss me off by playing country music in her car, disappointed when I help her sing along. I don't really hate Flagline, Gilbert, Urban, Moore, Bryan as much as I say I do. She loves them, I'm learning to love them. I adore watching her put on her lipstick, that bright red one, it's the most sexy and erotic thing to watch. I love the way she loves muscle cars and bikes, I love that we can talk about that as well. I even love watching her stupid tv shows with her, she's so cute when she's all upset cursing the writers and directors for torturing her favorite characters. I even love watching her fawn over Dean Winchester. Yeah yeah we get it he's hot, buff and handsome. Enough already. Hah. I don't mind it as much as I say I do. I love the little sparkle in her eyes when she talks about something she loves. I love watching her play that old beat up guitar or piano, shit she's talented as fuck. I love watching her work or draw, she gets so lost in what she does, her teeth chewing down on her lower lip, it makes me wanna throw everything on the floor and just makeout like crazy. I love laying in the back of my car with her on a summer night with nowhere to be but right there, rock ballads on the radio and my hands tangled in her hair. Fucking heaven right there. I love how in a bar if they give her a staw with her drink those straws always end up completly chewed up at the end and tucked around her wrist. I love how she tells everyone she hates One Direction but has about 5 songs on her iPod, loving them none the less. Oh, wait, I probably shouldn't tell that to the people huh? I'm sorry. Hah. I love how selfless she really is. If someone needs her it's not a question of if, it's a question of when. She's got a heart of gold and that's why people tend to use her. I love how when she loves someone or care about something she puts her whole heart into it. There's not a selfish or careless bone in her body. And it pisses me of how much crap people give her for not being a ''people person'' and prefering animals. I get it. If you're hurt and let down that many times, it's only normal that you're careful. Or more comfortable on your own. And that's alright. She's the kinda person that cares about the planet, the nature the animals in it and I love that about her. I hate people that bring her down, telling her she's wrong, telling her she's an idiot. She's not, fuck all of you. We should all learn that not two people see one thing the same way. We have different perspectives and that's alright. Except those of you who put others down for being different. That's wrong. I hate people giving her shit about her life, her desitions, her art, her appearance, her hair, her clothes, her lip rings, her ink and most of all I hate people that give her shit about us. I fucking hate it when they tell her I'm using her, abusing her, lying to her, cheating on her. Saying that I never loved her in the first place, that she's just a play thing to me. I know she knows better but I can't scream it loud enough, I would never hurt her. I would rather chew off both of my arms then hurt her. She's my entire world. I was in such a dark place before I met her. I was bitter, I was always angry, I was playing with women I confess, because none were her. None were the one. I honestly wasn't even living till she came along and made my life worth living. And the truth is that I love her more then I could possibly love anything in this world. She's the Sam to my Dean, the Sally to my Jack, the Jack to my Alex, my Khaleesi, my moon and all the stars combined and most important my rock. When everything is fucking upside down and wrong I can rely on her to be there for me and make it better. At the end of the day, people don't matter only we matter, they're jealous and they're bitter and mad at what we have because it's perfect. They like to pretend to know what's going on in our lives, they pretend to know us but they probably never will. They don't know what keeps us awake at night or how we hate that stupid Teena Marie song but sing along to it anyways. They don't understand why she loves her stupid favorite band so much and why I'm so grateful for them. They don't know our favorite places in the city or where we ''hide out'' to be alone. They don't know why those shredded red Converse she keeps in her shoe closet but never wears again mean so much to the both of us. They don't know why we always avoid certain streets in our city and they don't understand how much mean comments actually hurt her. She acts all tough but cries when nobody is around. They don't know why we enjoy paintball or how she kicks my ass in it just like in Call of duty. She's scary good. They don't understand that we're perfectly happy on the couch, all tangled up reading a book or listening to one of our many records. There's no lack of intimacy because this is intimate too. They don't know that we actually enjoy tearing Harley's apart and putting them back together again. They'd say she does it to make me happy but that's not it at all. They don't know that I'm not dragging her to see Marvel movies with me, we both enjoy them and they don't know I go see stupid romantic chick flicks with her as well. Because why the fuck not? They don't know how our favorite season, music, food, city it's all the same just as our fears and dreams are. And most important they have no idea how much I love her. They say it's just a fling, they say it will never last, but look at us, years later, still going. They're all wrong, I love many things but nothing compares to the love I feel for her. I'd give up everything I own for her in a heartbeat and still be the happiest man alive. She's my Queen, the only thing and everything right in my life. The only thing that matters, there's not a thing I wouldn't do for her. Nothing I wouldn't do to put a smile on her face and keep it there. Love can change us, I used to be different, god forbid saying out loud how I felt, or kiss a girl in front of my ''people'' but now I don't care, I don't care who is looking, who is around us, I am proud to call her my girl and sure to let her know. Fuck I adore that girl so much, she's my wonderwall, my very own Halley's Comet, the light in my life and all the fucking colors in my world.

Doll, I'm so sorry for hijacking your blog but love letters are so passé aren't they? I know this is a huge blow to my tough biker exterior and the guys will have shit to say for years but guess what I don't fucking care. I'm not ''tough'' when it comes to you. I love you, I'll always love you, forever and a damn day.

G.R.