I have so much to say but you're so far away.

Looks like today will be another monday without music. I'm sorry. There's just something more important on my mind today. Those of you who are closest to me know what October 10th marks. Those of you who don't...it marks an anniversary. Eight years ago I've lost someone really close to me. And it was as if my world fell apart. I didn't know how to handle it, how to cope with it. I didn't honestly even know how to breathe on my own. I was completly lost. I did the worst I could by locking it all away and ignoring it till it finally blew up in my face and made everything that much worse. I spent so long just lying to myself saying I'm fine, I'm okay, till I believed it and thought everything is okay. But it wasn't. Far from it. It took me a long while to get where I am now. It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Now I can say that I am okay and mean it. But sometimes things are hard. Sometimes everything falls apart again. Sometimes I can't believe it all happened. Sometimes something exciting happens and I feel that horrible pain inside my chest because I can't share it with the one I miss the most. It hurts. But sometimes I'd remember the good times and smile. Sometimes I'd smile and be grateful for the time we had in the first place. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, crying, wishing it was all just a bad dream...Sometimes I just wish someone could pull a switch and make it stop. Make the pain go away. You know what the problem is? You can be the most sane, the most stable, the strongest person on this god damn planet but love will still find a way to fuck you up. And the hardest part of losing someone isn't having to say goodbye. Goodbye is easy, it's quick. What's really hard is learning to live without that person. You're always trying to fill that void or that empty feeling inside your chest once they're gone. Thing is there's a piece of my heart that always was and always will belong to you, nobody can take it, nobody else can replace you. Days, weeks and months may pass but honestly no matter how much time passed I will never love you or miss you any less. A part of me will always be angry for that ''forever'' I never got. Part of me will always be angry at you for leaving me even if things aren't as easy as they sound. I will never not miss all the fun memories we had together or the times we laughed so hard we couldn't breathe. Or how many times we watched Casper and Interview with the vampire together. Or broke a couple of rules and got into trouble. Which happened many many MANY times. Shit I miss you...people always say you'll be alright, you'll get over it. I never believed that's possible. And it's not. You don't just get over it, you learn to live with it. But you never forget. You don't love them less, you don't miss them less, you just learn to live without them. It makes it so much worse when it's unexpected, when it hits you out of nowhere, like a big fucking school bus. Or a lightning out of a clear blue sky...and the guilt. It never goes away. It never stops eating at you, you never stop thinking if there's maybe something you could of done, if there's something you should see, something you'd need to pay attention to. If there was anything you could do to stop it, prevent it. And the guilt eats you alive. It's not your fault but it hurts like hell. And it drives you insane...I hate that there's things I can't enjoy anymore because you can't and I know you'd slap me silly if you knew. I know you would never want this life for me and I am so sorry for not respecting your wishes.

I saw your favorite band without you and though it was the best time when that one song hit I was a sobbing mess. There is so much that I still want to tell you and yes you are so far away. It's been 2923 days and there hasn't been a day I haven't missed you or wished you were here. I love you so much, I hope you're alright wherever you are.

And you guys, don't forget to tell the ones you love them that you do, tomorrow might be too late. Keep your friends and family close, they're the only ones there for you when shit goes down. And above all don't be afraid to love and be loved because even if it hurts sometimes it's worth it. You know what they say, love is the closest thing we've got to magic.