Das beste

''It's another day, wanna get away from here, there's a plane up on a runway, gonna run away from here, cause the rain is so terribly dull and it bores me, yeah misery adores me.''

I want to break out and get away, I want to just try and live for me cause if we don't try then we won't believe that we could've had it. I want to let go, and fall for you and when it gets rough, be your parachute, I want to do the things that you only read about, are you ready?''

He once told me, ''it's not your artworks that make you an artist but your ability to paint a smile on every face you come across, but just like every artist consoled with art because of a broken life, there's a twist to you too'' and I asked him, what my twist is. You know what he told me? ''You never paint a smile on yourself''.

Michelangelo said that the true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection. That's what he is, to me at least, divine perfection. And you know what it is that I love most about him? All those pieces he says are broken, all the tiny little things he says are wrong, ugly, meaningless, all the things he hates about himself, all the things other people hate about him, I just love them that much more. It's all a matter of perception, some see beauty some see a mess. All those little things make you you. Little imperfections, quirks and personality traits that are unique to each and everyone of us.

You know what the problem is? I fell in love with those cracked, broken, destroyed pieces of him and when he showed me the good side I fell even harder and quite honestly, right now, I don't think I'd survive the landing. Does that make sense? Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Did you ever ask yourself why are we so fascinated with stories about vampires or werewolves falling in love with mortals? Or an angel falling in love with a human? The most normal, boring, ordinary human. Why are there so many works of fiction out there about super heroes and normal girls? Because we know that love is both a weakness and a strength, even the darkest, meanest, most twisted can feel love, can fall in love, get sweaty palms and go weak in the knee, well the Hulk probably can't but you get the point. And it's that idea that no matter what you're going through, who you are, where you are in life, love can still get in. And love is the only thing that can weaken you, make you vulnerable, make you breakable but also be the strongest force in your life, pushing you forward, giving you a reason to live. It was always love and it always will be love that's the driving force of everything, why do we do something? Why do we like certain music, movies, books? What we love, who we love? It's always love that can make a change in the world. Everything begins and ends with love. And to be fair it doesn't matter if you're broken, cracked, destroyed...just like light, love can get through the cracks and isn't that the most beautiful thing?

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's been a long hard week, so much has happened and the storm in my head doesn't seem to calm down. I have a ton of regrets and doubts and fears and what if's and questions. My fucking mind never shuts up, I worry about shit I shouldn't even worry about, nothing is alright. But in the middle of that storm there's just one thing that is as clear as the bright blue sky. Out of all the things I do regret and mistakes I've made. He wasn't one of them, and no matter how we go on from this point, no matter what happenes...

I will still love you, ástin mín.

''I'm done with small town politics, I need to make my way to where the action is, I'm done with it, so the question is are you coming with? Cause baby, if you like, I'll take you there, imagine all the places we could go to disappear, or we could turn the light off and go back to bed, stare at the stars at your ceiling and pretend that we're somewhere else.

I want to break out and get away, I want to just try and live for me, cause if we don't try then we won't believe that we could've had it. I want to let go, and fall for you and when it gets rough, be your parachute, I want to do the things that you only read about, are you ready?''

You got this.

You know sometimes life gets really tough, and sometimes it seems like the sun will never shine again. And those days we all need a little reminder, something to get us through the day. I'm sharing some of mine here today because tough days seem to come more often then good ones lately and I myself need to be reminded of certain things sometimes.

You are worthy.

You are important.

You will make it through.

You are capable of great things.

You don’t deserve the harsh words you tell yourself.

You are more than enough.

It’s okay to be sad and not know why.

You don’t have to be positive all the time.

You’re allowed to get upset over things, and express yourself over things that hurt you.

It’s okay if you relapse into a previous state, this does not diminish your progress.

It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to play tough all the time.

You don’t have to push yourself too hard all the time. It’s okay to rest, you know your own limits.

Just because you aren’t where you want to be right now, doesn’t mean you won’t get there. You may even find a better destination along the way.

You are going to be okay. It may hurt right now, and it may be a struggle, and nothing feels like it matters, but it's going to be alright, you got this girl.

You’re going to get through this, and you will rise from this stronger, wiser, and better because of it. It may feel like hell right now, it may feel like your entire world is falling apart but you will get through this and you'll be better then ever, you'll live, love, laugh.

All things must pass and so will the dark shadow fallen upon you, you'll see the light again and you'll feel the sun again, you'll see life, you'll see hope, you'll feel free again.

And when things go wrong, take a deep breath. Regroup. You got this.

And the stars look very different today.

''I, I will be king and you, you will be queen, though nothing, will drive them away, we can beat them, just for one day. We can be heroes, just for one day. And you, you can be mean, and I, I'll drink all the time, 'cause we're lovers, and that is a fact, yes we're lovers, and that is that. Though nothing, will keep us together we could steal time, just for one day, we can be heroes, forever and ever, what'd you say?''

Sometimes I'm such a cliche. When someone says David Bowie I only think of one song. My favorite one. Heroes of course, even though through his career he recorded so much great music.

Did you know that till now his record sales were estimated at around 140 million albums worldwide, which made him one of the worlds best selling music artists. In the UK alone he was awarded nine platinum albums, eleven gold ones and eight silver ones. Not to mention he's been in the Rock n roll Hall of fame since 1996.

And he started out by studying art, music and design before taking on a professional career as a musician. I think what I like about him is his experimentation. There was nothing ''by the book'' or ''boring'' or ''normal'' about David or you know Ziggy Stardust. How cool is the collaboration with Queen ''Under pressure'' really? Two such amazing vocalists together. That song makes the hair on the back of my neck stand. I heard a stripped version once with no music and it's not just amazing, it's AMAZING. Just like Prince I always wished that maybe someday I'd get to see him live but obviously that didn't happen, David's last concert was at a charity event in 2006 but actual touring stopped in 2004.

He never gave up on music though, up to the last moment he was a singer. Blackstar was released in 2016 and he died just two days after. I gotta say I was rather shocked. You know how Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix all died just months apart? This felt like a Deja vu. Prince, Bowie and Lemmy. Horrible.

I was just listening to this album this morning and though it would make a great next post. I think that out of the three albums I do actually own, this one is the best one.

Bowie's most commercially successful album to date. Reaching number 1 on both sides of the Atlantic. Am I being a cliche again if I say I love it? I don't know sometimes aparently I'm into mainstream and popular stuff too. Rarely, but it happens. It also happened that he despite being a pop musician is one of my favorites. Let's face it, I can't stand pop music but I love him and I love Michael Jackson.

Let's dance is a great album, but I find it hard to imagine now how people felt when this album came out. Despite his comeback being eagerly awaited, it was literally out of nowhere and the general pop loving crowd loved it while die hard Bowie fans were not convinced, I mean this record may had given him this new ground breaking sound and popularity he was after but it's kinda...I don't know ''normal''. It's hard to pin point exactly what it is, but comparing to the prior releases this is completly different. If you look at how hardly the fans were waiting for it I understand why there were some that were disappointed. They knew Ziggy Stardust and suddenly there's just David, smiling, bleach blonde rock star.

He worked on this album together with Nile Rodgers and as coproducers I think they really complete eachother. Scary monsters was great but it was also a bit of a one way street. So Let's dance was really a step up. The song Let's dance itself is fun, upbeat, pop, that 80's dance vibe. Which is probably also why this was his fastest ever selling single, reaching top charts pretty much everywhere. David is using a different type of singing on it, which is what I think is so great about him, he can sing in so many different styles. Like ''Modern love'' for example, he said that the song was inspired by Little Richard and that he used his ''rock voice'' for it. And he pushed it to the point where it almost sounded a bit strangled or strained if you will. But just think about it for a second the man is a genius, so many styles, so many ''voices'' all in one singer. Amazing.

China girl is on this album also, I love that song to be fair. I love how it starts simple and cheery and like a pop song and then slowly turns into something different, much harder and darker. Did you know that China girl is recycled material? It was originally a song Bowie wrote for - with Iggy Pop on the artists 1977 album ''The Idiot''. Who names an album ''the idiot''? Wait maybe I'm missing something here, this is probably kinda like Green day's American idiot, though to be fair despite being released in 2004, American Idiot's full potential is showing now, with an American Idiot sitting in the White house.

This entire album is great don't get me wrong but there's three songs that I feel are worth the price of an album and I know that is about the most over used thing a music blogger could say but it's also true. Those songs are Without you, Shake it and Modern love. I think these songs are something else, the lyrics are far more bold just because they're so damn simple they make you ask what the hell was he thinking. Hinting at simple mindedness? Hah. I really can't tell.

''Modern love gets me to the church on time, church on time terrifies me''

What do you think he was trying to say with this? That he doesn't want to progress with the modern world? Is it about trying to stay stable in an ever changing world? Is it about a man who is very much fearful of a romantic relationship and commitment? You know what I think it's about? I think it's about growing up, facing these new responsibilities that let's face it can seem scary at times. I love that little growl on this song too.

Sometimes we look for deeper meanings in songs that don't really have them. Sometimes two people understand a song completly different, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? Aren't we all allowed to have an opinion? Without you is pretty simple to understand though, and it's the simplicity and the honesty that I love, like a simple retro song ''I want you to want me'' bam end of story.

''Just when I'm ready to throw in my hand, just when the best things in life are gone I look into your eyes.

There's no smoke without fire. You're exactly who I want to be with. Without you, what would I do?

And when I'm willing to call it a day just when I won't take another chance, I hold your hand.

There's no smoke without fire. Woman, I love you. Without you, what would I do?''

Wouldn't it be great if more things in life were quite as simple? And then you've got Shake it. The vocals alone are something else on that one and the lyrics ''I could take you to heaven, I could spin you to hell but I'll take you to New York, it's the place that I know well.'' totally cool. Shake it is like the final straw, one last thing that ''killed'' the pretending. It's like, he spent so long up to that point behind masks, an alter ego, a different persona and here he just let it go, here he was simply David.

Album ends in the best way possible, with the lines "When I'm feeling disconnected, well, I sure know what to do, shake it, baby.". A line to live by to be serious. We should all learn how to let lose sometimes, take things easier, less serious, enjoy life, sing like nobody is listening, dance like nobody is watching. You know what I mean? Bowie was on to something here.

At the end of the day, the album has some flaws, second side is not nearly as good as the first and the song Ricochet feels like trying too hard. Never the less the album was number 4 on the charts and Bowie's first platinum selling album even if later sales of older albums surpassed that. And also as a fun fact this album is one of the earliest recordings of Stevie Ray Vaughan. He said yes to recording with Bowie without even knowing much about his music. Hah.

Either way, I find myself enjoying this record anytime I spin it. It's cool, it's fun, it's different, David cut the crap with it. So, guys, put it on and Let's dance.

''I don't know where I'm going from here but I promise it won't be boring.''

1.11.2012

''When black cats prowl and pumpkins gleam, may luck be yours on Halloween.''

The hardest part of ending is starting again.

''Looking for an anwser, is there sunshine where you are? The way there was when you were here. I’m just sitting in the dark, in disbelief that you’re not here.''

I wanted to write about Halloween today. Share any story from my past Halloweens. I realized that they are all, a bit...too much for this blog. And also, there is something weighing so heavy on my heart and mind that I just can't shut it up.

I've been struggling with Chester leaving us so much. He was my role model, my hero, my sunshine when life got too dark. I found so much of myself in his lyrics. He helped me get through the hardest things in life. When I was in school, the ''weird metal kid'', the ''emo'', the ''goth'', the ''crazy bitch'' whatever else they'd call me, with no friends and all alone on this planet, his songs kept me going. When things in my family were anything but perfect, I'd look for comfort in their music. When life got rough I used to lie awake at night listening to his voice, it was reasuring, it made me feel comforted and safe. It was a feeling I missed so much. I never imagined someday so soon that comfort will be taken from me. I felt like someone pulled the rug from underneath me. I was angry, I was sad, I was hurt, I was broken and I was the lonely little girl all over again. He was struggling with the same things I am, he was fighting the same demons I am, and I always used to say to myself, if he's tough enough to make it, so can you. And in the end he wasn't, and I'm scared that someday I won't be able to fight any longer too.

Where is this coming from? The ''Linkin park and Friends Celebrate Life in Honor of Chester Bennington'' concert happened this Friday. One of the concerts I really really wished I was at. And I was up in the middle of the night, live stream on but as soon as Mike sang ''When life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind'' it was too much. I had to take a deep breath shut it down and leave it for another day. That day was today. I watched the entire clip, about 3 hours long, and let me tell you something it was both, the most beautiful and the most heartbreaking thing I've ever watched. There was so much emotion, so much love, so much positive energy, so much passion and support. Our LP family really is an amazing comunity.

Mike said that when he found out the news he was in complete disbelief, he didn't want to believe anybody or anything. And that's exactly how I felt. I didn't want to believe it. And during that rollercoaster of emotion, just like it helped Mike, music helped me too. He wrote that beautiful song, ''Looking for an anwser'' and...it was amazing is all. At this point I'd like to just say about Mike that he's such an inspiration and so strong and so amazing. I don't even have the right words to say but it's no wonder, strength and courage comes from love and Mike has plenty of it. I wish I could be one of those fans that met them before the show, giving them big hugs, telling them everything will be okay. I wish I could do something to make it better for him, for them. I always had nothing but mad respect for them but seeing them now, opening themselves to us, to vulnerability, to love, to everything else, that made things completly different. I love you guys. We, the fans will always be there for you, stand by you, believe in you and love you. No matter what.

I don't think it hit me full force before, that he's really gone, till right now, the concert, seeing them on stage, preforming without him. Seeing Mike struggle on a couple of songs, on a couple of short speaches...it was hard to watch it, he's gone and nothing will ever be the same again. Numb, One more light, Looking for an anwser, In the end,...those were hard, but I think harder was watching the boys trying to hold back their own emotions and keep it together, I felt for them. Really.

My sadness hits me hard sometimes, it's not all about Chester, it's mostly about things that his passing stirred up and the wounds it re-opened. It's a struggle and it's a battle. It's a distraction and it's like a dark cloud, it left me feeling so hollow and so overwhelmed. What changed though is that this concert helped me a lot. There is hope, there is light and there is so much love. It still hurts and my heart is still broken but the force and love and support this band and the fans have is so strong, it's so reasurring. The concert hurt it's true but it helped so much, we all share the same grief, we're all together in this, our pain is real but yet we're not alone. Chester was amazing, he touched all our lives, regardless if we knew him or not.

Some people ask me how I can feel such heartbreak and so much pain and such sorrow for someone I've never met, ''he's just a celebrity, he didn't even know you exist''. If he could have, he'd met us all with a huge hug. He was so full of love and light and passion and the will to help others. It's so simple really, it's not just a musician we lost, it's not just a dad, a husband, a friend, it's an amazing human being, if only everyone on this planet cared half as much as he did for others, shared his empathy, his love, the world would be a much better place. And on the other hand, ''you didn't even know him'', what a lonely, isolated world would we live in if people would only care about themselves and maybe a few others they know personally.

In England, a little after that attack in Manchester, Chester stood on stage and told us that we can destroy all this shit and all the hate simply with love, by loving the person next to us. He told the fans in that venue to turn around, look at the person standing next to them and tell them they love them, that they're so happy to be there with them. He said music unites us, love unites us, no matter who we are, where we are from, what we love, what we believe. Love leaves us kind right? And that love shouldn't be limited to people close to you. It's something, a ''motto'' if you will that I want to live by.

I'm taking this and life and everything else one step at a time. Nothing changed. I love the band, I love their music, I still listen to it all the time, only now, songs have a deeper, different meaning. But honestly, these days there's no more tears, there's a smile instead and that's mostly because of the amazing LP family, the amazing love and positivity that was left behind, the light he brought to this world simply by being in it. And to be fair, knowing us or not knowing us there's one thing he wouldn't want and that is pain, suffering, heartbreak. Chester would of hated it. He would want us to smile, laugh, celebrate life, lift eachother up just like we've been doing all along in the past few months.

In that spirit, I share the same ideas, same passion, same empathy and willingness to help anyone in need. If there's anything, if you need to talk, if you're having a bad day, if you just need someone to listen, my inbox is always open *baby_im_a_monster@hotmail.com* don't be afraid to come talk. I will always do my best to offer you some comfort or help if it's in my power to do anything. Don't be scared to reach out, you're not alone.

You know which moment of the show got to me most? Besides Mike's song that is...Numb. Such a powerful, strong, amazing moment. The band playing, spotlight on but there's nobody there. Nobody was singing but then the crowd picked up the song and it only grew louder each second. I thought it was amazing because nobody could do that song justice, nobody could sing it like he does so they gave the ''spotlight'' to the fans instead.

Rest in peace baby, I love you so much, thank you for the music, the love, the kindness, the hope you left behind, thank you for being here when nobody else was. And to my LP family, thank you for understanding what nobody else does, thank you for everything as well, it feels good having a place you belong in. I love you all.

I’ll keep my light strong, for you Chester.

http://musicforrelief.org/

http://chester.linkinpark.com/

♥