Sam lepe sanje.

Oh wow it's been a while huh? A whole month since I managed to write up a couple of words. What can I say? Anything will sound like excuses. Life's been pretty wild and crazy these days, and not in a good way. School is draining as is, essays make my brain feel like a sponge, and don't even get me started with the drama going on in my life on the daily basis, when I get home late at night (days need to start having more than 24 hrs to be honest) all I can do is fall into bed, face first. It's been too much of everything and I am just done. Drained. Exhausted. Mentally and physically.

So since it's Monday, and the record review I started working on aint ready yet (and it won't be for a while, not only I can't decide which one to post but I have 4 drafts and no idea how to finish up either one of them), how about some other music related news, updates, ramblings, however you want to call it…

I imagine all y'all that read this blog because you have the same music taste as I, have seen the trailer for Motley Crue's The dirt by now right? Putting aside that I am hella pissed that it's Netflix only, like hello? I wanna watch this on the big screen? I am beyond excited. Like beyond. This is one of my favourite bands and a movie about them? Uh hell yes.

I've seen the trailer ''a couple'' of times by now and I am freaking out. I barely kept it together for Bohemian Rhapsody but this one will kill me. I imagine floods and floods of tears when Nikki overdoses and through his entire struggle with addiction (cmon nobody wants to see their babies suffer), through the scenes about Vince's car accident (I dare you to mail me again about Razzle because I will kick your sorry ass back to Jötunheimr where you belong), through the sickness and death of Skylar (I also dare you to mail me again how this was his ''punishment'', she was 4 years old, you are all animals I swear) and not to mention Mick's ankylosing spondylitis diagnosis. Yep. Lots of crying in the future. What else is new.

I felt bad for poor Doc McGhee though, he's a brilliant manager, he worked with the biggest names in music business and that line in the trailer ''I worked with Scorpions, Bon Jovi, Skid Row, Kiss, but I had never been through what Motley Crue put me through.'' Had to be tough with those wild boys. Now I read the book (borrowed, sadly I don't have my own copy, been on the wish list for a damn eternity) and I have an idea what this was about.

Here's the deal. We all know they were the baddest of bad in rock n roll. We all know they make the GN'R look tame but can we maybe instead of judging appreciate the music they put out because it's amazing? I mean their 1989 album ''Dr. Feelgood'' will forever be one of my top favourite albums ever put out. Every single song on it is great, no filler, no boring moment, entire thing is one hell of a ride.

See despite everything they pulled through and they're still here today. Fighting the very demons they fought before, Nikki trying to raise awareness on drugs in America. Vince raising money for charity in his daughters name. And honestly, despite what people say, they went out with a bang, the final tour was something else. I'm going to point out again that I miss them and that the near thought of ''Home sweet home'' live makes me cry my eyes out. Yeah, like I said I cry too much these days. Lol. Hey is that thing where people sell their tears still a thing? I might make millions. Haha.

Now while I wait patiently (or rather impatiently) for March 22nd how about a review of a concert? So last Friday (each time I say that I think about a metal cover of Katy Perry's ''Last Friday night'' and a couple of actually wild Friday nights that ended up with butt tattoos and god knows what else) I went to see a couple of local bands play. One are one of my favourites actually. I have about 6 or 7 local bands that I love and the rest should in my opinion just stop making music.

These ''boys'' I've seen probably over 30 times by now. I'm pretty much on every local gig they play. Creeper much? Ha ha. But they have this easy rock type music and sometimes that's all you need to forget your worries and problems for a couple of hours. And trust me I welcome any type of forgetting these days. Like I said, hell doesn't come near to describing how life was in the past say 16 months.

This was something new for me too. It was a ''girls night out'' and that's something I haven't done in years. I mean it, literally years. Not over reacting but for real. I am always with my guy friends, the bike club, musicians. And to be quite honest my list of girl friends is dangerously short. But I am glad I did it because it was nothing short of FUN.

Not going to complain about drunks, or annyoing people on local shows like I always do because what's the point? People don't care about music they care about booze. Makes me want to organise concerts without booze but I suppose nobody would came. Sigh. Stupid but whatcha gonna do? I mean I'm no angel I love Jack, I love vodka, I drink beer, sometimes on the verge of too much too but like never at concerts. I might as well stay at home, save the money I'd spend for the ticket and crack open a couple of cold ones with youtube playing in the back. Same thing isn't it?

Here's the deal there were a few artists present. And a DJ. Let's let him call himself a DJ. But like music from a laptop? Whatever happened to vinyl? And also…the music choice. Jesus christ. If this is a ''rock night'' then it should be a ROCK night.

So the first artists. A duo I guess. They call themselves ''BQL'' as in ''be cool''. Two ''Justin Biebers'' that now got a band. I gotta say, pop music, I was extremly sceptical. Not a fan. Pop. Gross. But I would be lying and I mean lying big times if I said they were bad. I suppose they worked on their music, they worked on their voices, style too I guess, and in the end I was quite pleasantly surprised, they sounded nice, did a couple great covers and no complaints here. Respect. They're trying. And I support that.

But the main act our very own M!2, of course audiences faves. Always the same. They're loved. Thank god actually. At least one band is shown the love and appreciation they deserve. I've seen them…jesus too many times to count (I know I said 30 up there but it might be…''a few'' more times). You really don't even want to know. It's been a while since I last saw them though, despite them being a local band. One would think they play in bars and different venues each month but no such luck.

It was a great set as per usual. All my fave songs, the most fav one of course as well. Isn't it such an amazing feeling hearing one of your absolute fave songs live? Getting lost in it, feeling every note, every beat, every lyric? You know what they say right? When the music hits you, you feel no pain. Fridays set was even better because of the fact that this band played their first show in 2019 right there and gave us a late ''Christmas'' present. 2 brand new songs, never before played. The singer had a piece of paper with the lyrics scribbled on it. Ha. Reminds me of that moment where Alex from All time low had a piece of paper on the stage floor saying ''learn the lyrics to your own fucking songs idiot'' because he kept singing wrong and the fans kept singing right. Funny thing. But guys the songs that our band premiered! Amazing songs. Always a great song if it involves swearing. And one of these does. A real nice swear word too. Made me choke on my drink not going to lie. Respect boys, that's how it's done. Lyrics that allude to politics and everything that's fucked up on this planet and being angry about it…that's how it's supposed to be done. Music is supposed to have the power to make you think and get active and do something about things that piss you off. Music isn't supposed to be political the way Eurosong is. It's supposed to be political like Green Day's American idiot is. I can't scream that loud enough.

Right back to the concert. If you know me you know what I'm like, as soon as it's a ''hair band'' I'm done. Sold. Cheap hooker my friend would say. So it's like 2 in the morning, last band comes on stage. Kids. I don't want to know, legal or not because it's usually too young for me to drool over, or you know really too old *cough Joe Elliott, Bon Jovi, Nikki Sixx, the list goes on cough*. Hah. So let's stay with music and music alone. The band is called Lumberjack and they're such cute kids, talented musicians, great stage presence, all round great guys and they get zero respect. People came in to hear the main act and left when they left, which means at 2 am there were about 10 of us left supporting the last band. I mean. What the hell guys? Support your local bands. Give some credit to young musicians trying to make it work. Working on their dreams. And for the love of everything holy if it's rock music or rock n roll or metal music you should support it that much more. The world needs less bullshit and more rock'n'roll.

The boys did a great job despite the ''very crowded'' venue. Did their best and honestly, I'm happy that we stuck around to listen to them play. Was definately not my last time seeing them.

All in all it was a great night, just what I needed to forget things that weigh me down on a daily basis. But there are too few of such nights. If I had it my way I'd make every weekend a concert night. Music is the only thing that makes it all okay, makes the pain go away, gives life some sort of meaning. Only thing always there for you, only thing that can't hurt you but give you comfort. I think the least we can do is return the favour. Show the music some love too, support it as it deserves and we should start at supporting our local bands. Every big name was once a local band playing at bars and random venues.

There's that. Some wisdom from me after a long while. Cheers guys, have a great week. And before I leave how about a huge congratulations to Rami Malek. I was chewing on my nails hoping and wishing he wins the Oscar for best male actor and my wishes were heard. There were some big names running with him, all amazing actors, if I had it my way they'd all win but I am over the moon that Rami's hard work was appreciated and rewarded as it deserved.

Hell not heaven.

I can't remember the last time things felt this miserable and gloomy. It's been a tough week to say the least. With two tough anniversaries. And to be quite honest I had to deal with these things all alone. I had to make some hard decisions lately and it's just...it's not getting any easier. You think you grow up, you think you get a grip on life...well spoiler alert you don't. Losing people, losing yourself, it's always tough.

Sometimes I wonder, just because you have to do something that doesn't make it right does it? Or just because something's the ''right thing'' to do that doesn't make it okay, does it? I've been so lost this past year, and angry and bitter and confused and just plain unhappy and it's been taking a serious toll on my life, on my health, on my every relationship with people. It's been hell to say the least.

I've been going through some pictures I took, years back in Berlin. It wasn't that long ago, couple of years but to me now, it feels like light years away. I was different then, I was happy. I liked that girl more. Not only she was happier but she wasn't so afraid of life, so paranoid, so annoyed at people, so broken...

Berlin is my favourite place on this entire planet. No secret, everyone that knows me knows that. It's something else. It's different. It's...I don't know, hard to describe. A place I feel I can really breathe at. It's amazing. A beautiful city. I find myself missing it. The city. The feeling it gave me. The vibe. Everything really. But mostly how happy I was there.

And obviously the people I got to experience Berlin with. Most of them are gone now anyway...
The first person that took me to Berlin after I nearly cried off 10 pounds begging him, was my dad. Long car ride, lots of amazing music, and Berlin...god I was what 14 then, light years away.

I don't know what I miss really, a place where I would feel at home? Probably, because here I never will. My dad? Most definatelly. My life as it used to be? Yeah. A family. Not that I ever had much of a family. I don't miss my own family, I miss having a family. A family that stands by your side, a family that's there for you when life is hard.

Today would of been dad's 50 something birthday and we'd probably get a drink or something and bicker over something completely stupid because that's just what we used to do. And it's unbearable that I ended up drinking alone after signing a contract that will cost me the very last thing of his that I own.

I guess all I can really say is ''life is tough, I don't recomend it''. Enjoy these three pics of Berlin instead, I know I will. Or will try to...

 

My remedy

“And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before, but since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.”

Ever found yourself in situations where good intentions got you more trouble than they did good? I swear sometimes I feel like losing my mind. I try to do something good, I try to help, I try to move forward but there's nothing but setbacks in my life. Things always seem to turn for the worst. Sometimes I feel cursed. I can't help it. I really do. How can one person have so much bad luck? How can one person be surrounded by so many toxic people? How can basically everything you touch, everything you do, turn sour? I don't understand. Maybe it's my outlook on life. Maybe I attract trouble because I am trouble. Maybe I attract darkness because I am darkness. Maybe…

But this post is not about darkness, this post is about light. Because no matter how dark life gets there's still light in my life. Light I should focus on when things are super hard. When I lie in the middle of my big bed on a plushy zebra print blanket, eating chocolate listening to Adam Lambert sing Cher's Believe with so much emotion it makes me tear up. You know when a song is just spot on? When it ''hits you in the feels''? this is just that. I love Cher, everyone knows that (people around me especially because I've been sobbing over sold out tickets for weeks), but her version of Believe is a party song, fun and upbeat while Adam gave it a new life, he gave it a whole new meaning, he gave it emotion and he sang it with so much of it that I was just ''oh my god''. You sit down, you shut up and you listen. God, Adam, you're amazing and I just ADORE your beautiful voice (and face).

Gosh I got so off topic. But then again maybe not so much, I was just talking about light in the darkness, what is my ''light'', what makes me happier and stronger. And music sure is one of those things. A big part of it.

But this is not about music, 90% of this blog is, but today, it isn't. It's about a who not a what. When I say life is a mess and nothing makes sense it's true, it really doesn't. Why one person has to handle SO much is beyond me, but there is still one thing in my life that makes a lot of sense. One person.

You know I say I don't do romance, I don't do sappy love songs, I don't do grand romantic gestures and while I do I can hear my best friend going ''cough bullshit cough'' in the back somewhere. He bought me a shirt once saying ''Always hopeless, sometimes romantic''. True. Fits. But the thing is, deep down under my Morticia Addams exterior I'm just like any other girl, sweet romantic gestures like the thing John Cusack does in Say Anything make me melt.

Thing is, I had someone in my life that made me feel all those feelings, someone I wanted to be cute, sappy and romantic with, all the time, 24/7, and life was good, dare I say happy? It was. Crazy happy. Too good. Too perfect. Too amazing. And then it wasn't. It was broken, it was awfull and it was sad and miserable and there was NO light left in the world. And I never, never imagined life could ever be the same, same as it was in the begining, when it was happy. And it won't be, that's for sure, there are people, that no matter what, can't be replaced. But life can still be good, life can still be happy and you can come damn near to those feelings.

Sometimes all the memories come crashing back, and they feel like you've been hit by a huge yellow school bus. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy, memories are hell, I don't want to forget but sometimes I don't want to remember either. But there's a remedy for that, a remedy that helps at least a tiny bit. Of course nothing will make it okay, nothing will replace what you miss but new feelings, new people, that make you feel good about yourself, about love, about the world, they can make a difference in your life.

And there's someone in my life that does just that. He makes me feel better about myself than I have in a long while. Better about love, better about this horrible world. He gives me a sense of family, a sense of love, a sense of deserving love. Something I struggled with for a long while, being surrounded by so much hatred and negativity, it was hard for me to think there's much else on the planet but that changed. Due to more than one someone really but mostly due to him. He makes me feel like everyday is a slow Sunday morning, when you're making pancakes with the love of your life and everything is alright.

There's that feeling where he just consumes me and everything around me is him. The air I breathe, every sound, every look, every touch. Every single thing is just him. The world around us just doesn't exist no more. And that's where I feel happy, safe, comforted and calm. Life doesn't exist within a small private bubble I know, but I wish it did. I wish nothing else mattered but us.

I promised you to come back and write about the most romantic thing that happened to me when it does. Well, how about this. Someone loving you so much to fly across Europe to spend a couple of hours with you after you have a really horrible day. Or, well days. There's been a lot of those lately but I swear those few hours made it all better.

Honestly a hug sounds so simple, it's just a hug isn't it? Except it isn't. Feeling safe in someone's arms is anything but simple. And then you think about say, a concert in a couple of months, a vacation next summer, and you don't really realise you're talking about the future because there's no doubt in your mind that there is a future for you. And you tell them you miss them but it's barely been a day because you honestly miss them. Not just a cute thing to say, but actual pain you feel because that person is an actual part of your life. A part of you.

And they make you forget the bad in the past, the ex's, the pain, the sadness, the lonliness, that just doesn't exist no more. And you find yourself caring more about their happiness than your own because let's face it their happiness is yours, because they are your person, your love, your life.

And they are the ''happy place'' the ''something good'' you think about when everything is harder than it should be. Tougher than you can handle. And they make you feel safe, like nothing bad can ever happen, and it doesn't, not when you're together. And you're just comfortable, you're you. You don't care if they come across your embarrassing Barbie collection or an old notebook with your crushes name doodled on top of it because you feel secure to know they aint going nowhere.

And then something that used to be annoying becomes exciting, grocery shopping together feels like a date because you hold hands while walking around and picking out carrots. And you annoy the hell out of eachother but you still just want to be around eachother all the damn time, that whole ''I love you, but I don't have to like you right now'' kinda thing.

And you feel eachothers pain, suffering, happiness, their feelings are yours, yours are theirs, and you genuienly just want to make it better when it hurts. And staying in bed all weekend, doing nothing, cuddling, catching up on tv shows you like, or movies, just sounds like the best thing on the planet.

I realised that the only comfort I need, or say, want in my life, the only thing that could make things better, bearable, hopefull again, is that one person. My person. The person I can imagine my future with, few years down the the line. Careers, place of our own, a zoo of our own, four paws and maybe someday two as well.

The deeper the love the stronger the emotion and the stronger the love the deeper the devotion right?

And you know how I came to this realisation? I keep saying I am broken, maybe even beyond repair and him, the one, my person, he says that's bullshit but then in one moment when he actually agreed with me he told me ''you know maybe it's not about trying to fix you at all, maybe it's about starting over and creating something amazing and I think that's just what we have something amazing''.

My remedy, that one person whos demons play well with mine.

Knockin' on heavens door.

Do you ever think about how sick, twisted and lonely this world really is? The other day I was caught in a situation that required me calm, focused, paying attention…and yet I wasn't. My mind was some place else, racing a million miles per hour. People around me were smiling, laughing, they seemed happy…and there I was completly gutted on the inside, and angry, and mad, and furious and just lost.

I remember pretending to be paying attention, giving a fake smile and a comment all while trying to surpress the tears that are burning somewhere in the back of my eyes. And I can't help but think what would the world be like if our struggles were like emotions on the sleeve, out for everyone to see? Would people be kinder to one another? Or would we just turn into judgemental animals? Doing nothing but victim blaming and make it a contest about who suffers more?

Life is so twisted, feelings are so twisted, people relationships are twisted. The kindest people will always suffer the most and the biggest animals will always live the best life. Honesty, morals, caring for another living being means nothing on this planet no more. And quite honestly the more I watch it the more it makes me sick.

I feel like an alien all the time. There is no place for me to fit in. People don't think the way I do, people don't see the world like I do. People are weird and horrible and I'm just…disgusted by it all, the greed, the lack of compassion, the treatment of one another, the selfishness, the lack of morals, all of it it disgusts me. And here I am wondering, how the hell am I supposed to live in a world I don't like, don't understand and certainly don't want to be a part of?

Should I just create my own ''world'', a bubble in which nobody but few rare individuals are welcome in? What happened to that whole ''no person is an island''? Because I just might be…

And then sometimes life surprises you, something amazing happens, something worth living for. A concert of your favourite band, you get that job you wanted so bad, your art gets appreciated like it should be,…

Sometimes life is a slow Sunday morning, making pancakes with the love of your life, their arms wrapped around you and everything is okay. The only problem is that those moments are getting so far and few in between that all the depression and darkness and bitterness just aint worth the struggle no more.

That line fro that song fits here ''what's the use of trying? All you get is pain. When I wanted sunshine I got rain''. Who sings that again? Smash mouth? I think so anyways…

Here's more music I enjoy lately. At least that one song ''Knocking on heavens door''. And you will never hear me, the huge GN'R (obsessed) fan repeat this, but I actually prefer Dylans version.

I always liked Bob Dylan. Maybe not always so much as a musician but more as a person. I mean the guy is a legend he's been a constant influential figure in popular music and culture for more than five decades.

You probably don't know this, but just to make is clear on how amazing Dylan really is, since early 90's he published eight books of drawings and paintings and his work has been on display in major art galleries. I mean the man parties with the big dogs.

He sold over 100 million records which gave him the title of one of the best selling artists of all time. He's got a shit ton of awards, Grammys (from the time those still made sense, now they're an insult fort he music world. Seriously nominating Bieber? What kinda sick joke is that?), a Golden globe and of course also an Academy award. Pretty awesome don't you think?

Of course he is also in the Rock and roll hall of fame THE one. As well as in Songwriters hall of fame, Minnesota music hall of fame and Nashville songwriters hall of fame. It's like he's collecting hall of fames at this point. What the hell? Do you know how fucking excited I was for Def leppard this year? And that was just one nomination, just one win, and then there's this guy looking like some lumberjack collecting HOF's like it's all a big joke. Props Dylan. You're amazing.

Don't think it ends there either, Dylan received the Pulitzer prize in 2008 for his ''prfound impact on popular music and American culture, marked by lyrical compositions of extraordinary poetic power''. Woah, literally had to copy paste this, man it was a mouth full. And of course there was also the Nobel Prize in literature in 2016, how many musicians can say something like that about their work? I'd say very few. For one that I would like joining that list is definatelly the Boss. His lyrics are different, but equally amazing. These are songs that have meaning. A song that you listen to and a whole movie plays in your head during. Songs that make you understand, and feel, and make it as if you're really there, living the lives of the people pictures in those songs, in those lyrics. Some are dark, some are happy, some are free, but that's just how it is in life isn't it? Happy and sad, a mixture of feelings.

What was it that Homer once said ''Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story''…

Pat Garrett & Billy the Kid is obviously a soundtrack album, released mid 1973 and I think it was the 12th studio album in a row that Dylan recorded. Now before you rip me to shreds I'll go on and say that I'm not a huge fan of this album at all. Most likely the reason why I kept it is because Knocking on heavens door is on. I literally put that song as loud as it goes and turn the player off when it's over. I'm pretty sure that song is what made it certified gold in the first place.

The album is mostly instrumental and what strikes me as odd is that after a three or so years long pause where he basically dropped off at the side of the planet he comes back with this? Why? Alright the meoldies are well played no arguing there but they're kinda basic, kinda boring don't you think?

Billy 1, Billy 4, Billy 7….? Should I feel grateful that there were no Billy's in between? One is just meh, one is more dramatic I suppose and another is just boring. Maybe put together they get a more interesting approach, like a song split three ways when really it should just be one long song?

And also another really strange thing, the title of the soundtrack and as well the movie is ''Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid'' but like despite Pat being a major character in this story and Billy having three lame songs there's not one about Pat? It's like a deliberate shot at ending his own career so help me jesus. Or a shot at Paul McCartney who released Live and let die at the same day. Literally. Though the two can't compete. Live and let die is amazing.

Let me point out that most critics at the time responded quite the same as me. Unfavorably. If I quote Jon Landau who in Rolling stone wrote ''it is every bit as inept, amateurish and embarrassing as Self Portrait. And it has all the earmarks of a deliberate courting of commercial disaster, a flirtation that is apparently part of an attempt to free himself from previously imposed obligations derived from his audience.''. Not very nice is it?

But just so I won't be completely judgemental, without this album there would be no ''Knockin' on Heaven's door'' and that would be a crying shame. It's such a smile song, very repetive if you think about it but so great, the melody, the lyrics, the sound of his voice, a little girl I know would call that voice ''sounds like ice and old sweaters'', and in a way she's right isn't she? Either way, it's a beautiful song, in original version, in GN'R version and in Eric Clapton's version and in Bruce Springsteens version and in Bon Jovi's version, but not in Avril Lavignes voice, you suck Avril go back to singing about Hello Kitty.

GN'R put this song on Use your illusion II and played it at 1992 tribute concert for Freddie Mercury (look at that another concert I would just DIE to be at, well more so an actual Queen concert with Freddie alive, but this was also an incredible moment in music history. An amazing gig with 72 000 people attending. Wild.)

So then put the record on, if you have it, if not iPod will do and get lost in his voice for those three minutes and a couple of seconds. It's amazing I swear.

I still think about you.

''It's been 7 years, a lot of tears, ain't got nothing but this song...I still think about you, do you think about me? I still think about you...No matter where you go just as sure as a cold wind blows, I still think about you...''

The other side

''I don't want to know who we are without each other, it's just too hard…

I don't want to leave here without you, I don't want to lose part of me…

Will I recover that broken piece?

Let it go and unleash all the feelings…

Did we ever see it coming? Will we ever let it go?

We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee deep without a plea, I don't want to know what it's like to live without you…

Don't want to know the other side of a world without you…''

I don't know why but this holiday season has only been torture for me. Actual literal torture. As you may have guessed from the post below there's very few things I hate as much as I hate December and Christmas and the euphoria over the new years…why so estatic over one night? You'll wake up January 1st and things will be just the same. Hell. Well, probably not all of you but most of us are all going through some shit…

A lot changed this past year. In my life I mean. And all the changes were for the worst. I don't even dare dreaming or even hoping of a ''happy new year'' because each December 31st I tell myself okay the past year was hell but the next one will be better. And guess what? Each new year just ends up being worse. I remember being optimistic last year thinking well it can't get any worse and guess what? It fucking did.

I can honestly say that 2018 has been the worst year of my life. The worst. Never mind all the hell and pain I went through in the past, nothing compares to this. I lost so much, but also learned so much. And I suppose all the newly discovered things only made me more bitter, more angry, more devoid of compassion for people, because honestly all they do is disappoint you, and hurt you, and use you, and the only people that are supposed to love you, your family, those are the people that will hurt you the most.

I wonder all the time what I did so wrong in my life to deserve this. Who did I piss off so bad? Why do I deserve all this pain? Am I really such a terrible person? I made tons of mistakes yes but should they be punished like this?

And I feel guilty, there are so many things I could prevent. So many things that could be different but I did nothing to prevent them. And now it's too late. Too late even for damage control.

I watch all these Christmas pictures on Facebook and Instagram, not like you can not see them, they are literally everywhere, and you know what I crave having? A loving and supporting family. Not presents, nothing materialistic. Things could be worse I know, some kids have really awful childhoods but things could also be better.

I used to convince myself that I'm fine, that I don't miss what I don't know. In a way it's true I really don't know, but that doesn't mean I don't miss it. A family. A home.  Support. Love. A safety net.

And the funny part is the only thing left in my life, the only thing that I found some comfort in, something that always made me better, smile, hopeful and at least semi happy, my music? I don't even have that. I didn't just lose all I had I lost that too. I watch these tour announcements daily for 2019 and a year ago I would be making plans, and I would be so excited, and now? It's making me more miserable than anything else on this planet…

When I look back at my life in the past year I wonder what do I even have left? What is there to look forward to, what is there to be happy about? Things never looked quite as bleak as they do now, and I reached a point where I'm no longer living but surviving and even that just barely, on pain medication, sedatives and a level of stress so high it could probably power up a power plant and produce power for the entire fucking continent.

I suppose I reached a point where I am so damn lost that I just don't know how to carry on. What to do to make things better. How to ''fix'' at least some aspects of my life that are completely unfixable, but then it wasn't me who fucked them up so thinking I could fix anything is crazy. I guess the only thing I can do is ''get up, dress up and show up'' and keep on hiding the pain behind a great big fucking fake smile and be thankful people never notice, because people don't really care.

I'm still wondering the same thing I was a year ago ''how much can a broken person take before they break completely?'' I surprised myself for still going, still breathing, still living. Things I went through would most likely kill a ''normal person'' but then again I was never normal in the first place. Or maybe I was, am, and I'm just over reacting, you know what people say ''suck it up, others have it worse'', because it makes so much sense comparing my pain and troubles to someone elses. Really.

Anyways this is probably my last post this year, I didn't want it to be this dark, but shit happens, I know I haven't been as active as I'd want to be and my posts weren't as good. I'm sorry about that, here's one thing I can promise, I will try to be better next year. All that aside, I wish you all a safe, happy and healthy new year. I hope it will be filled with love and laughter and will treat you amazingly because that's nothing short of what you deserve. Thank you for sticking with me for all these years, I appreciate it and I love every single one of you reading these lines, so see you in the next year.

''Is it fair, or is it fate? No one knows. The stars choose their lovers, save my soul, it hurts just the same and I can't tear myself away…

Did we ever see it coming? Will we ever let it go?

We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee deep without a plea, I don't want to know what it's like to live without you…

Don't want to know the other side of a world without you…''

Ruelle - The other side

''Up on the housetop, gifts are mine, kiss your Christmas tree goodbye.''

Oh my god it's here, that awful time of year. Am I right guys? December. Ugh. I hate it. If there only was a way to skip the buying frenzy, the craziness, the fake happiness, stupid smiles plastered on people's faces. God. I hate it all. And I especially hate the insane looks I get when I tell people I can't stand it all. Well really, what's to love? And the ''oh my god how do you live without celebrating christmas?'' well easy. Isn't that a religious holiday after all? I mean sure it lost all value these days but in reality it should be right? So why would a heathen like me celebrate it?

Christmas movies, commercials and music? Can I just please put a bullet in my skull now before I completley lose it? It is god awful. All of it. It probably doesn't help that December is colder then the North pole, guys, I'm a summer being, I don't do winter, I don't do cold and I sure as hell don't do snow.

Also is is just me or is the whole Christmas happening earlier each year? What the hell? I seriously get nervous rashes when I see god damn Christmas tacky crap in the stores before Halloween. Animals! All of you, seriously, why not start in June already? Or better yet how about not even taking the lights and such down? Would be easier no?

The concept of Santa and kids hoped up on sugar and lies. Why do we tell kids that a strange man is coming to their room while they sleep? What is that all about? I mean I wouldn't wanna see a strange man in my room in the middle of the night. Red suit or not. Well I mean, if it's Charlie Hunnam or Jason Momoa then they are most welcome but anyone else? How about no?

The fake ''let's spend time together'' crap, with either family or co - workers or wnb friends, okay listen here, I hate you all year long, I will not hate you less because it's December. If anything I'll hate you more.

Drunks. Drunks everywhere. Can people have a good time without vomiting their insides out in the streets? Just asking…

WHY, why, why is there such a thing as ugly Christmas sweaters? Why?! As if horribly tacky Santa or Rudolph aint enough, they happen to sing a carol if you press their noses. Dear god, take me now I can't stand it.

Well I didn't plan this post to start like this…but then again I never actually plan posts. But here's the deal, since I just complety shredded this entire extremely ''festive'' season (can you see my murder glare?) here's a part that I happen to like. Sometimes.

There's a ton of open air FREE concerts in this time of year and the thing is, it's cold as fuck, people are awful and drunk, but guys, free concerts. And it just so happens that this year the programme is sick! Really great musicians, pretty much daily so props for doing something right.

And because I am a complete fucking idiot, I thought that my Friday (after a week of work and errands and craziness and next to no sleep) night should be spent on two concerts. Not one but two. Hey, don't you judge me, I love music and I can never decide. But really, why should I?

First band to open my concert season was a band who I admit I don't know too well. I knew who they are, what they are, biggest hits etc. So I figured, alright the hits are great why not give them a chance? So basically they are called ''Psihomodo pop'' and they're a Croatian pop punk band. They formed in the 80's, 1983 I believe and since then they got a pretty huge fan base going on.

Guys this band played two concerts as the opening act for Ramones. THE Ramones. Oh my god. I didn't know that btw, only recently learned but what really shocked me with this info was that this happened in 1990 and that Ramones played in my country. I don't know why I'm shocked anymore to be fair. This place used to be cool, we had Ramones, Metallica, Queen and Nirvana, and what do we have today? You don't even want to know…

They did a really great album after Yugoslavia fell apart, it was called ''Silver pigs'' and it was critically acclaimed but produced an award winning single ''Starfucker''. I believe the last line goes ''starfucker, motherfucker'' hah, you don't want to know, really. But the singers hair in the music video? I died. Literally. He's all kinds of crazy though, got to love him, got to admire him, like the other Mick Jagger with the stage behaviour. And the bands lyrics? Comedy show. Brightens up a bad day.

And you know what? First time I wasn't bothered that much by people, they mostly behaved. Probably because it was insanely cold and people were hanging on bars drinking hot mulled wine which honest to god is more sugar and less wine, with an absurd price to match.

So it's after 10 I'm sitting outside under a heater in a bar contemplating my life and why on earth did I think this was a good idea and who the hell decided that all the good events in the entire year have to be crammed into one month. Yet this second band is a local band, from my town. And honestly, missing out on their show is criminal, the boys are so madly talented it's surreal. Every instrument is on point and the vocals are out of this world. If I had it my way they'd be touring the world with the biggest names in music history.

You can check them out right here

www.facebook.com/SpotlessMinds/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj_5g086dU4

Show them some love guys, you won't regret it.

Alright, point of these ramblings is that at the end of the day, I had a great time, exhaustion aside it was a great night. Friends, booze, live music and laughter, all you really need to lift your spirits. I'm posting this just so none of you files a missing persons report. Been far too busy lately, but at least you can enjoy another concert write up, or two, or three, or….hell we'll see how many.

Have a great week, spread love not hate (unless it's about hating Christmas then you are most welcome), and stay safe during this fucked up month.