My remedy

“And now I’m looking at you,” he said, “and you’re asking me if I still want you, as if I could stop loving you. As if I would want to give up the thing that makes me stronger than anything else ever has. I never dared give much of myself to anyone before, but since the first time I saw you, I have belonged to you completely. I still do. If you want me.”

Ever found yourself in situations where good intentions got you more trouble than they did good? I swear sometimes I feel like losing my mind. I try to do something good, I try to help, I try to move forward but there's nothing but setbacks in my life. Things always seem to turn for the worst. Sometimes I feel cursed. I can't help it. I really do. How can one person have so much bad luck? How can one person be surrounded by so many toxic people? How can basically everything you touch, everything you do, turn sour? I don't understand. Maybe it's my outlook on life. Maybe I attract trouble because I am trouble. Maybe I attract darkness because I am darkness. Maybe…

But this post is not about darkness, this post is about light. Because no matter how dark life gets there's still light in my life. Light I should focus on when things are super hard. When I lie in the middle of my big bed on a plushy zebra print blanket, eating chocolate listening to Adam Lambert sing Cher's Believe with so much emotion it makes me tear up. You know when a song is just spot on? When it ''hits you in the feels''? this is just that. I love Cher, everyone knows that (people around me especially because I've been sobbing over sold out tickets for weeks), but her version of Believe is a party song, fun and upbeat while Adam gave it a new life, he gave it a whole new meaning, he gave it emotion and he sang it with so much of it that I was just ''oh my god''. You sit down, you shut up and you listen. God, Adam, you're amazing and I just ADORE your beautiful voice (and face).

Gosh I got so off topic. But then again maybe not so much, I was just talking about light in the darkness, what is my ''light'', what makes me happier and stronger. And music sure is one of those things. A big part of it.

But this is not about music, 90% of this blog is, but today, it isn't. It's about a who not a what. When I say life is a mess and nothing makes sense it's true, it really doesn't. Why one person has to handle SO much is beyond me, but there is still one thing in my life that makes a lot of sense. One person.

You know I say I don't do romance, I don't do sappy love songs, I don't do grand romantic gestures and while I do I can hear my best friend going ''cough bullshit cough'' in the back somewhere. He bought me a shirt once saying ''Always hopeless, sometimes romantic''. True. Fits. But the thing is, deep down under my Morticia Addams exterior I'm just like any other girl, sweet romantic gestures like the thing John Cusack does in Say Anything make me melt.

Thing is, I had someone in my life that made me feel all those feelings, someone I wanted to be cute, sappy and romantic with, all the time, 24/7, and life was good, dare I say happy? It was. Crazy happy. Too good. Too perfect. Too amazing. And then it wasn't. It was broken, it was awfull and it was sad and miserable and there was NO light left in the world. And I never, never imagined life could ever be the same, same as it was in the begining, when it was happy. And it won't be, that's for sure, there are people, that no matter what, can't be replaced. But life can still be good, life can still be happy and you can come damn near to those feelings.

Sometimes all the memories come crashing back, and they feel like you've been hit by a huge yellow school bus. Sometimes I feel I'm going crazy, memories are hell, I don't want to forget but sometimes I don't want to remember either. But there's a remedy for that, a remedy that helps at least a tiny bit. Of course nothing will make it okay, nothing will replace what you miss but new feelings, new people, that make you feel good about yourself, about love, about the world, they can make a difference in your life.

And there's someone in my life that does just that. He makes me feel better about myself than I have in a long while. Better about love, better about this horrible world. He gives me a sense of family, a sense of love, a sense of deserving love. Something I struggled with for a long while, being surrounded by so much hatred and negativity, it was hard for me to think there's much else on the planet but that changed. Due to more than one someone really but mostly due to him. He makes me feel like everyday is a slow Sunday morning, when you're making pancakes with the love of your life and everything is alright.

There's that feeling where he just consumes me and everything around me is him. The air I breathe, every sound, every look, every touch. Every single thing is just him. The world around us just doesn't exist no more. And that's where I feel happy, safe, comforted and calm. Life doesn't exist within a small private bubble I know, but I wish it did. I wish nothing else mattered but us.

I promised you to come back and write about the most romantic thing that happened to me when it does. Well, how about this. Someone loving you so much to fly across Europe to spend a couple of hours with you after you have a really horrible day. Or, well days. There's been a lot of those lately but I swear those few hours made it all better.

Honestly a hug sounds so simple, it's just a hug isn't it? Except it isn't. Feeling safe in someone's arms is anything but simple. And then you think about say, a concert in a couple of months, a vacation next summer, and you don't really realise you're talking about the future because there's no doubt in your mind that there is a future for you. And you tell them you miss them but it's barely been a day because you honestly miss them. Not just a cute thing to say, but actual pain you feel because that person is an actual part of your life. A part of you.

And they make you forget the bad in the past, the ex's, the pain, the sadness, the lonliness, that just doesn't exist no more. And you find yourself caring more about their happiness than your own because let's face it their happiness is yours, because they are your person, your love, your life.

And they are the ''happy place'' the ''something good'' you think about when everything is harder than it should be. Tougher than you can handle. And they make you feel safe, like nothing bad can ever happen, and it doesn't, not when you're together. And you're just comfortable, you're you. You don't care if they come across your embarrassing Barbie collection or an old notebook with your crushes name doodled on top of it because you feel secure to know they aint going nowhere.

And then something that used to be annoying becomes exciting, grocery shopping together feels like a date because you hold hands while walking around and picking out carrots. And you annoy the hell out of eachother but you still just want to be around eachother all the damn time, that whole ''I love you, but I don't have to like you right now'' kinda thing.

And you feel eachothers pain, suffering, happiness, their feelings are yours, yours are theirs, and you genuienly just want to make it better when it hurts. And staying in bed all weekend, doing nothing, cuddling, catching up on tv shows you like, or movies, just sounds like the best thing on the planet.

I realised that the only comfort I need, or say, want in my life, the only thing that could make things better, bearable, hopefull again, is that one person. My person. The person I can imagine my future with, few years down the the line. Careers, place of our own, a zoo of our own, four paws and maybe someday two as well.

The deeper the love the stronger the emotion and the stronger the love the deeper the devotion right?

And you know how I came to this realisation? I keep saying I am broken, maybe even beyond repair and him, the one, my person, he says that's bullshit but then in one moment when he actually agreed with me he told me ''you know maybe it's not about trying to fix you at all, maybe it's about starting over and creating something amazing and I think that's just what we have something amazing''.

My remedy, that one person whos demons play well with mine.