The other side

''I don't want to know who we are without each other, it's just too hard…

I don't want to leave here without you, I don't want to lose part of me…

Will I recover that broken piece?

Let it go and unleash all the feelings…

Did we ever see it coming? Will we ever let it go?

We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee deep without a plea, I don't want to know what it's like to live without you…

Don't want to know the other side of a world without you…''

I don't know why but this holiday season has only been torture for me. Actual literal torture. As you may have guessed from the post below there's very few things I hate as much as I hate December and Christmas and the euphoria over the new years…why so estatic over one night? You'll wake up January 1st and things will be just the same. Hell. Well, probably not all of you but most of us are all going through some shit…

A lot changed this past year. In my life I mean. And all the changes were for the worst. I don't even dare dreaming or even hoping of a ''happy new year'' because each December 31st I tell myself okay the past year was hell but the next one will be better. And guess what? Each new year just ends up being worse. I remember being optimistic last year thinking well it can't get any worse and guess what? It fucking did.

I can honestly say that 2018 has been the worst year of my life. The worst. Never mind all the hell and pain I went through in the past, nothing compares to this. I lost so much, but also learned so much. And I suppose all the newly discovered things only made me more bitter, more angry, more devoid of compassion for people, because honestly all they do is disappoint you, and hurt you, and use you, and the only people that are supposed to love you, your family, those are the people that will hurt you the most.

I wonder all the time what I did so wrong in my life to deserve this. Who did I piss off so bad? Why do I deserve all this pain? Am I really such a terrible person? I made tons of mistakes yes but should they be punished like this?

And I feel guilty, there are so many things I could prevent. So many things that could be different but I did nothing to prevent them. And now it's too late. Too late even for damage control.

I watch all these Christmas pictures on Facebook and Instagram, not like you can not see them, they are literally everywhere, and you know what I crave having? A loving and supporting family. Not presents, nothing materialistic. Things could be worse I know, some kids have really awful childhoods but things could also be better.

I used to convince myself that I'm fine, that I don't miss what I don't know. In a way it's true I really don't know, but that doesn't mean I don't miss it. A family. A home.  Support. Love. A safety net.

And the funny part is the only thing left in my life, the only thing that I found some comfort in, something that always made me better, smile, hopeful and at least semi happy, my music? I don't even have that. I didn't just lose all I had I lost that too. I watch these tour announcements daily for 2019 and a year ago I would be making plans, and I would be so excited, and now? It's making me more miserable than anything else on this planet…

When I look back at my life in the past year I wonder what do I even have left? What is there to look forward to, what is there to be happy about? Things never looked quite as bleak as they do now, and I reached a point where I'm no longer living but surviving and even that just barely, on pain medication, sedatives and a level of stress so high it could probably power up a power plant and produce power for the entire fucking continent.

I suppose I reached a point where I am so damn lost that I just don't know how to carry on. What to do to make things better. How to ''fix'' at least some aspects of my life that are completely unfixable, but then it wasn't me who fucked them up so thinking I could fix anything is crazy. I guess the only thing I can do is ''get up, dress up and show up'' and keep on hiding the pain behind a great big fucking fake smile and be thankful people never notice, because people don't really care.

I'm still wondering the same thing I was a year ago ''how much can a broken person take before they break completely?'' I surprised myself for still going, still breathing, still living. Things I went through would most likely kill a ''normal person'' but then again I was never normal in the first place. Or maybe I was, am, and I'm just over reacting, you know what people say ''suck it up, others have it worse'', because it makes so much sense comparing my pain and troubles to someone elses. Really.

Anyways this is probably my last post this year, I didn't want it to be this dark, but shit happens, I know I haven't been as active as I'd want to be and my posts weren't as good. I'm sorry about that, here's one thing I can promise, I will try to be better next year. All that aside, I wish you all a safe, happy and healthy new year. I hope it will be filled with love and laughter and will treat you amazingly because that's nothing short of what you deserve. Thank you for sticking with me for all these years, I appreciate it and I love every single one of you reading these lines, so see you in the next year.

''Is it fair, or is it fate? No one knows. The stars choose their lovers, save my soul, it hurts just the same and I can't tear myself away…

Did we ever see it coming? Will we ever let it go?

We are buried in broken dreams, we are knee deep without a plea, I don't want to know what it's like to live without you…

Don't want to know the other side of a world without you…''

Ruelle - The other side