''Damn Love''

 

Just a girl on a Friday night, starry skies and seven cups of coffee later, drawing her husband. Shut up, and let me dream will ya.

In the end that's all I want, a simple life with you.

Seems like ages have passed since I last wrote an album review. Seriously, any of all y'all know which was the last one? Children of Bodom perhaps? Who the hell knows…anyways I actually have a couple to catch up on. And also about a couple of books I read, and also a couple complaint posts about fucked up society and human insanity. Anytime now, when I bring myself to actually do it. BUT! This one needed no forcing myself to sit down and write. For this one, words came naturally. Flowing like a river. Look at me being poetic as fuck. And this one album I also actually listened to. A ''couple'' of times. I don't know what's going on lately but, I don't listen to much music *gasp*. Or watch Eurovision. I know you guys, I know. Revoke my European citizenship card. I deserve it.  (btw Finland my beloved, cha cha cha ;) I love it) 

So! This album came out on Friday (the 27th), and though this is being posted today (was waiting for the CD to show up in the mail to include pixs), it was written on Saturday (the 28th). Listen, I may have been up all night Friday night to listen to it. On repeat. A ''couple'' of times. Y'all didn't expect me to wait for my physical copy did ya? I mean though it was preordered months ago, and what's another week when you've already been waiting for months, buuuuut I just couldn't wait okay. I am so weak and I couldn't do it. This is the same situation as that ''no, I will not draw Tom Cruise this week'', well guess who has 3 half drawn portraits of him on her desk? Not me, no no, not at all. But it's not as bad as it sounds, I swear I have about 20 other drawings in the works too. Just, priorities.

Before you ask me and before we get into it, this album is a CD version because I love listening to him in the car. Might also get a vinyl version at some other time, if only for the bigger version of the pictures inside. Ha ha. 

This is that thing I keep telling you guys about. How modern times and streaming and youtube are fucking up music. It's all nice and dandy to share music videos on, but it's also taking the magic of getting an album. Like literally holding it, and playing it for the first time, from start to finish. (I know what I wrote in the first paragraph about waiting, shut up). I hardly know how that feels. And yes most of it is my fault, but you really can not dangle Kip Moore in front of me and expect me to take a step back and behave. Hello.

I remember writing the review for two of his other albums (wait two? One is missing! And also missing one of the albums, this is the fifth studio album, I only got four.) and they both started with praise about how much I love him. Hah. That hasn't changed one bit, I still absolutely love him. Or maybe possibly more. Cue in the endless sobbing over the fact that he's playing Cologne early May and I won't be there, even if this is the closest he's ever been to me. Deep sigh. Love is pain. Here I was yapping how I am crazy enough to go all the way to UK for one day for him, and now that he's more reachable, I can't go. IF there is a god above she must hate me. 

As I said for the other album, I will tell you the same for this one, it is perfect, perfect, perfect. Fucking absolute perfection. And even perfection is barely scratching the surface. I think he absolutely outdid himself, lyrically, musically, the voice? THAT VOICE! I don't even know where to start. In reality I hear Springsteen when listening to Kip. Not that they sound the same, but I hear him in that story telling. I hear him in that, you can sit with your eyes closed, listen to the lyrics and it's like an entire film is playing in your head. It's amazing to be able to say so much in a few lines of a song.

I know what you're thinking because I keep listening to the same crap. Oh but he's a country artist, what the hell are you thinking. In theory yes, he is. But really, it's more like his music has country roots and he's exploring elsewhere, a little pop, a little rock, a little bending the rules, a little experiment, and that's probably what is making his songs so good. So honest. So full of life ya know. So different really, the songs are not the same on this album by all means, they're all over the place, they're a freaking journey and my god what a journey it is. Can you guys just imagine if more musicians would just step out of the box, just dare to try something different? Dare to experiment and even if every single song comes out sounding different. So what? If it's good it's good. I don't understand putting out album after album and they basically all sound the same. A musician should be ballsy enough to dare and try something different, dare to still dream, dare to explore and grow. After all don't all of us artist want that? To grow? I know I will always want more, I'll always want to improve my drawings somehow. I know I will never settle. 

Kip especially stands out in the flood of country stars I'd say. Especially those singing about girls, beer and tractors (sorry Luke, you know I love you), just take this one song as an example, it's called Micky's bar (can we take a moment to appreciate that one of my fave bars in Vienna is also called that?) and it tells a story about a small town bar, regular clients and a girl called Jane (of fucking course it's Jane). It says ''Oh my make it a double, sweet Jane shootin' me a smile, oh my, my hearts in trouble, sweet Jane wants to stay a while''. It's an emotional tornado, it takes you on a path of slow burn romance. It's a simple song, with perfect vocals, perfect melody and just my god amazing writing. I am honestly just…amazed with how perfect the lyrics are on this album. I knew he had it in him, never doubted it, but jesus this is just over the freaking top. He is perfection. 

I can't pick a favourite song on this album. Like I can not, each one is special and perfect in it's own way, but really I knew this is gonna be huge ever since I heard the single ''Damn love''. 

Love is a reoccuring theme on this album. Of course. Or more like struggles with it. Relationships. Love. Life. Humans. 13 songs all together but this time there is less of that nostalgia, heartbreak, sadness, there is so much hope this time around. Hope for the future? Hope for…love? Just hope in general? I think hope is something we all need at this point. Just some hope that life can get better, that love can get better, that people can get better. That maybe somehow the world can get better.

Lets make something clear, ''Damn love'' the album titled song, the opener, it's fast paced, energetic, really that one that only needs one listen and you're hooked. But it's also the type of song you put on your fave greatest hits playlist and move on from the rest of them. But the real listeners, those that still appreciate music as art, those that sit down and listen to a song, really listen I mean, those will appreciate the introspective. They will enjoy the journey the album takes them on. They will enjoy exploring with Kip. They will appreciate listening and growing with him. They will appreciate the path and walk along side with him. Every twist and turn it leads you on. You'll know how to cherish that. Y'all know what I mean? It's music as it should be. Raw emotion. A story to tell. 

Guys! Listen to ''Heart on fire'' and tell me you don't hear ''Born in the USA''? Same vibe, same mood, same inspiration, same emotion, same love, same perfection. Same stadium moment, hot summer night, sunset over the stadium, lights, people, music, starry skies above. And nothing but you lost in the moment with thousands of strangers. Yes, in case you can't tell I miss this. Heart on fire is literally this.  Pop rock song, it's not country at all and I am obsessed with it, and yes baby, I would risk it all on you. Just saying, side note. 

''One heartbeat'' is a duet with the magnificent  Ashley McBryde, girl that voice! But let me point out that I was dancing to this song late last night in the headligths of a dirty AF Mercedes SUV, don't give me that look, I'd prefer a Silverado as well, but hey at least my jeans were skin tight and my boots were cowboy style. I fell in love with this song instantly, as soon as I heard the first few lines. They are just about the cutest thing on this planet. And honestly, don't we all need logic and reason in an insane world? I love you Kip okay, thank you for writing this song (whole album really), it's absolutely perfect and for 3:30 minutes in that dust, there was nothing, no worries, just the night, the stars, the headlights and this song. The worries just melted away. Expect me to get drunk at some point and butcher this song at karaoke. I apologise in advance, I really love it. Any volunteers to butcher the song with me? It's a duet after all…it just occured to me, this song is that cheesy romance books type thing that I love to read so much, you know…the fluffy cute things that make your teeth rot? Yep that. Imagine the goth girl with leather pants, black lipstick and a mean glare, reading sappy stories about two idiots in love. What has gone wrong in evolution I wonder? Or just, in my life at least. Maybe just the need for fluffy, cute, sappy, perfect, in a world that is anything but.

Can I just for a second point out that Kip said ''I still crave that companionship deep down in my DNA, and that's where Damn love comes from. There's a reason love and relationships have been written about so much, and why they continiue to get written about. Because at the core of us, that's what we desire the most.'' . Listen sweet cheeks I'm still waiting. Just saying.

You know what? The more I look at the whole album the more I feel like it's a journey on a search for love. A man looking for love and all the places he could be looking for it. Or better the places people go to look for love. Maybe the duet then represents the conclusion, two souls, one heartbeat. 

To conclude the rant with the song, a ballad, ''Mr. Simple''. I love it. You know why? Because it celebrates the simple things in life, the little things, the things that make life worth living but we all take them for granted. I love how the song starts, ''I've never liked the city, there's something 'bout them sounds''. You know what I hate the most about living in the city? Traffic, ambulance cars, railroad sounds, people. I've been craving to move out for a long time now. If only it could be as easy as the song says ''so, if you want the country, a simple life will do, just call me Mr. Simple, livin' simple with you''. That's all I'd want at the end of the day. Though if I stop here and comment on the only thing on this album that I did not like. It's in this song, and it's a line ''well, I've never liked the ocean''.  How dare you Mr. Moore? As part mermaid I am offended. Hah. That aside, I really felt the lines ''A hundred miles to the nearest road, nowhere to be, nowhere to go, just you and me soakin' up that sunset gold, drinkin' that beer ice cold, always got a hand to hold''. I'm either that boring or that old that this right here sounds like heaven to me. 

So that's about it, lets not spiral into long rants that don't make no sense and lets face it none of y'all have the patience to read. Enjoy the picture of my four beauties all together, so pretty, BTW did y'all notice how ''Damn love'' circles right back to ''Wild ones'' with the style and font? I absolutely love that.

Tell me what to do now, I'm so in love, I'm so in love with, you.

Why is it, that everytime I come up here, for a few smart ass statements, it's either ''it's been a hard day'' or a ''hard week'' or a ''hard month''. It's been a fucking hard life you guys. This past week especially, unfriendly, hard to stomach, long and wet. And not wet in a good way. Not wet in a Samantha from Sex and the city type wet. Not pretending to be a boring ass librarian stacking books, and Tom Cruise walks in, saying he came to check out a book but found me instead, then sweeps off all the books from the desk in one swift movment and dot dot dot...yeah not that kinda wet. This is a thought a friend of mine planted in my head btw, y'all can blame him for being explicit. No, this kinda wet, is cold, gray, rainy and floods upon floods type wet. The weather which aside from snow and winter I hate most. The type of weather that traps you inside with your family which is probably a worse type of punishment than jail time would be. Not me typing this on the bathroom floor, because it's probably the only place left, where I get at least a tiny bit of peace and quiet. Que in why I love going to church. Not mass, just sitting down, during opening hours, enjoying the quiet and watching the sun making colors dance on the floors, through colored windows. 

But this is not about my annoying ass family, or the weather that's slowly sucking out the last few remaining atoms of my will to live. Or how kids these days say I'm too retro because I actually know what VHS is. Sigh. This is about the Crue. I mean you knew this was coming right? You know, when they first embarked on this stadium show in USA, I was so jealous. Motley, Leppard, Poison AND Joan Jett? I'd sell my soul for that line up. As if I didn't know that there's no way in hell this spectacle comes to Europe, then Covid happened. So y'all can imagine how shocked I was to hear that it actually IS coming to EU? Yeah shell shocked. I mean no Poison which is to be understood and no Joan Jett. But still, two rock icons, two of my absolute faves? Fuck yes. 

I bought tickets for this months back. Months. It was supposed to be my first time in Budapest. I mean first concert in Budapest. I've been there before, such a magical, beautiful city and I was absolutely excited to be back in town. In a brand new arena too. And then....first news. Mick Mars left the band and someone someone is replacing him. Uhm...I mean it's devastating, Mick IS Motley, without him they'd be called something ridiculous like Black X - MASS or something simmilarly idiotic, or better yet they'd probably all be dead by now. But you know, I figured alright Mick is sick, probably wants to rest, probably can't do as much touring as they set out to do. Understandable. Imagine my fucking surprise last week when the news breaks that Mick is suing Motley.

I've been trying to avoid the drama but that's impossible with couple hundred pages liked both on Instagram and Tumblr. And you know how people are, everyone gotta chip in and contribute to the madness. If I understood the allegations correctly, Mick never left the band but was rather forced out. Wait what? That my friends, is unacceptable to me. I know he wanted to record with the band, the band would be stupid not to let him do that because hello, boys, I'm sorry to say this, but he's the only talent in this band. I also know he wouldn't be able to preform but this is the bush that the rabbit is in it seems, by not preforming they cut Mick's profits from 25 to 5% and I am fuming with anger. Like are you fucking kidding me? How greedy can y'all be? You're all millionares,  is money really worth fucking up your friendship, your ''family'', your fans, your legacy? Is money really above any and all decent human connection? 

Maybe I could stomach greed. Maybe. But what I can't stomach is, how this is apparently just the tip of the ice berg. Apparently this ''abuse'' over Mick has been happening for the past 40 years, apparently they wanted him out of the band since the 80's. Again, I'm sorry, are you fucking kidding me? I remember this episode of LA ink, where Nikki goes and gets Micks face tattooed on his thigh and I just, I can't. Y'all know if there's a barking dog in this band then that dog is Nikki right? So he's the ring leader, he's the problem. The devil. The hypocrite. I love him but I wanna throw a brick in his face you know? How dare you?! Like just how dare you. 

Not sure what the band had to say when responding to these ''allegations'', but I quite honestly don't even want to know, I'm taking Micks side, I know he's right on this, what's fair is fair, and I know who the issue is. Just remember that Steel Panther drama from some time ago, and just who had too much to say about it. Funny Nikki is the one barking about Panters music when the lawsuit accuses him of playing with a pre recorded track. How very interesting. Is it believable? Perhaps. I mean, the man couldn't tell a bass and a guitar apart at the start of the career. One of the responses I did catch was that retiring from touring is retiring from the band. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can have touring musicians or guests or whatever the hell you want, a musician doesn't have to retire just because they can't tour no more. A musician IS a muscian. They will always be artists. You can't step down and away from that. And they should know that better than anyone. 

Kovač, you idiot. Protecting the band, taking shit about Mick, saying he was ''put up'' to do that, by his lawyers and how this is ''elder abuse''. Idiot. Seriously what an idiot. Allowing the band into gaslighting Mick further, into gaslighting us? Oh piss off for real. Motley is Micks band. It might as well be Mick Mars and the three idiots for all I care, nobody will convince me of it being any different. 

God aren't you all grown ass men too old for fucking drama? For real you guys, here I am, fawning over old men thinking they bring maturity and an inteligent fucking conversations, but looks like that's fucking impossible. I can't with this band, there's always gotta be some drama. Sigh.

Here's a quick memo for the guys, especially Nikki who clearly thinks he's a rock god or something. You are not Motley Crue, you personally. The band is. As a whole. Each individual member brings something to the table, therefore there is no band if the band is not complete, that's not too hard to understand I hope? Every member contributed to amazing music like Girls Girls Girls and Dr. Feelgood, they wouldn't be what they are without all four members, I mean lets be honest we all know that brief period with no Vince the band was shit. But get your damn head out of your ass, the only good thing the band put out recently was one single song and even that one was written by Simple plan. Clearly the band is just Nikki's puppets at this point.

I don't even know why I expected different, or better. I knew what they're like, I've read the Dirt, I knew they aren't saints, but I had hoped they changed. At least a little. At least put their priorities in order. Maybe understood that certain things should be above money and ego...but here we are. I think I'm disappoined because I expected better. I keep getting disappointed because I keep forgetting, at the end of the day when the spotlight turns off they're just people, like you and me, they make stupid mistakes, they make bad choices in life. I just wish these choices were putting sugar on your spaghetti, not something this catastrophic. Well, sugar on your pasta is catastrophic, but you guys understood the reference. I am just devastated. It sucks. It's taking the love I had for the music right out of it. I'm conflicted, I'm angry, I'm confused. 

Which brings us to the root of the problem and the whole reason why I'm writing this in the first place.  I should be writing it with a glass (the one that holds a whole bottle) of wine, not coffee. Sigh. I am seriously conflicted about the concert, it's already paid for, from the get go I said I'm going 90% because of Def Leppard since they don't tour as much. I was SO looking forward to it and now...now I just don't know? Should I even go? On the one hand I love Def Leppard and I really want to go see them, as well as this aint their fucking fault. And on the other hand I just can't bring myself to support this madness. And you know I'm well aware how a couple returned tickets won't make a difference, or a dent, they're millionares, they wont feel it (though of course if everyone rebelled they would feel it but people joining forces for anything at all is unheard of), but this isn't about them, this is about me, my conscience and me making my peace with whatever I chose to do. 

Y'all know how complex it is to be a freaking Libra, never able to decide should you go left or right, is something white or beige, is the glass half full or half empty. Frustrating. So I once again find myself in front of the wall, staring up, not knowing how to cross it. Or better staring at that perfect outfit I chose for the concert, like...spent a month thinking about it...I know I'm lame but after Covid I figured everything should be a big deal. You should plan and look forward to things. Even if they somehow always end completely fucked up, and they never turn out as we planned them. You should still look forward to something, and you should still be excited about it. 

So watch me go absolutely La La Land for the next month (concert is on the 29th of May) trying to decide what the fuck to do. I still absolutely love the music don't get me wrong, I'm separating art from the artist, but the assholes behind it are a bit hard to stomach. In a ''I love you but I don't have to like you'' type thing. I probably won't listen, but you guys, any and all advice is appreciated. What would you do in my shoes? I know what I'll do, complain, cry and drink, probably in that order too. 

Here's to the weekend, hopefully I survive all this rain with a decent amount of wine and no more hair pulling, unless it's Thomas doing the tugging. That's always welcome. Cheers guys!

And I guess I'm just a mess and maybe I'm just lonely, or just bitter, but I know my head is a storm and my chest is empty.

''Vse kar si želim, je malo nežnosti, dotika toplih rok ob zori jutranji,...v objemu toplem se zbudim, a moje pa srce zdaj tava v temi...''

Do you ever wish the world would stop spinning? I don't mean the gravity and the sciency bullshit that comes with it. I mean the...I don't know ''poetic'' part of it? The please stop, so I can catch up part of it. Or do you ever wish the world would just disappear? Maybe just your world? Maybe just the people in it? Maybe you yourself wanna disappear? I don't even know no more, I just know things have been going from difficult to impossible lately. I often think that things can not get any worse, and I'm surprised each time when I fall to a whole new level of inferno. I don't know why and how but lately it feels like the only way is down, and it doesn't look like there's going to be a way up anymore. Ever. Everything is bleak. 

I don't know where I'm even going with this, don't ask. I just know I haven't been feeling alright in a long time. I know things haven't been alright in a long time. I know I've been blamed for things that are absolutely out of my control, and judged over things I can't change. And ridiculed for anything and everything and truth to be told it made me confused and it made me hate myself and it made me miserable and sad and lost. I don't know, nor do I understand what is it that I'm doing wrong. I don't see it, I don't get it. My brain, my mind works different, I don't know, I don't understand ''normal'' and nobody is willing to explain what's ''wrong'' with me. All I get is hatred. Hatred for not being another brick in the wall, hatred for being the black sheep in the heard. Hatred for not seeing the world the same way as others do, hatred for seeing maybe a couple more colors then the rest or maybe less colors then the rest. To me things are simple, black and white, good and bad. There are no shades of gray, especially when it comes to people. And I'm not saying I'm ideal or perfect. Just different. And I suppose that different is what's been destroying me bit by fucking bit. You know how they say you don't need to drink or smoke, how love will kill you bit by fucking bit? This is the same. Being pushed to the side, expendable, hated, being the ''spare'' one, misunderstood, unloved all my life. That's what's been killing me bit by fucking bit.

I honestly feel at this point I'm just around because murder is illegal, because how will you explain to people around you I disappeared? I'm not suicidal mind you, maybe just passively suicidal. Like I'm not going to slit my wrists but I also wont care if someone else does it type thing? I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being lonely, alone, tired of not having anyone team me, someone willing to fight for me. Mabye I'm too much of a romantic, maybe the whole being loved unconditionally, irrevocably, eternally, endlessly...maybe that only exists in my head. Maybe people don't do that no more, maybe they don't even know how. Maybe some people are not meant to belong, maybe some people are not meant to be loved but only exist. Maybe some people, some of us are just damaged beyond repair you know. Maybe when someone wanted to show us love and affection we'd not even understand what's going on. 

It's funny but...I mean it's not a lot I'm asking for, some understanding, that maybe just maybe I'm not like you. And maybe some...I don't know solidarity? Is that the word. To listen to me, not what people around me talk about me. And maybe I don't know stand up for me instead of being embarrased of me. And maybe just once tell me you care. I am basically three fucking decades years old and I have never in my life heard an ''I love you'' from a family member. Ever. No. All I got is screaming, yelling, anger, disappointment, mocking, laughter, degradation, swearing, cussing, insults, hits sometimes, and yet in the end...the fact that I am ''damaged'' is my fault. It's kinda funny because...you can't expect to bloom and get better in an environment that's making you sick right? 

I guess that's what I crave. Love. Understanding. Devotion. Things I never knew in my life. Maybe that's why I keep going back to people that hurt me, for that small fraction of love that they did show me. However fake it was or wasn't. Maybe that's why I prefer staying silent and not speaking at all because all I know is to be quiet. Shut up and don't speak, your opinion is stupid and invalid because it's different. Because you don't fly with the flock and don't swim with the fish. Maybe that's why I don't know how to talk to people? Maybe that's also why I don't want to talk to people? Why waste my time when they won't care anyway? Maybe that's also why I'm so used to pain because when I wanted love, pain was all I got. Maybe that's why I love an illusion because an illusion can't hurt me, someone who can remain perfect in my mind. Always. Because I'll never know the truth anyways and that's safe. Comforting. 

You know that line ''my darling, you hold so much sadness in your eyes, I can almost touch the scars of your soul and cry''? Kinda like that. And I wonder at which point is it too late to put your life, heart, soul, body back together? What if some pieces are just lost and you'll never be whole again? What if there's just nothing worth fighting for no more? I wonder...why would I even want to get better? Physically, mentally...why? What for? In a world that doesn't love you, in a world that doesn't understand you...why? The irony is that the only person you should put yourself back together is you, but if you give up on yourself...what's the point? And what's the point fighting for love if you're the only one fighting....and what's the point if all you get in return is...I don't even know but it seems to me it makes no difference if I was alive or dead, most days. 

As I said above, I'm not suicidal, I just wish I stopped existing. Does that make sense? Nothing does no more, nothing makes sense, the light is lost, the passion is lost, the beauty is lost. I look at the sky and see a graveyard of stars not an endless sea of possibilty. I see endings not beginings. I see pain. And despair. Sigh. And all I long for is something to change, but am powerless to do so. Or maybe my newest health issues are some sorta sign from above. Maybe someone is telling me to just give up fighting at some point. I don't know no more. 

Ignore me, I guess this is nothing a glass (or a bottle, or two) of wine can't fix. In the mean time, I'll be back sitting at the graveyard, drawing. Maybe I'm a better ghost than a human being anyway. 

I'm calling the Academy.

Alright, not to sound like a Victorian woman suffering from hysteria, buuuuut I have a couple of problems this morning. A couple meaning more like one hundred and then some, but these are...different. And no, this is not one of those how badly I want to lick Stacee Jaxx's gun tattoos or Val Kilmers face in the Batman mask problems, but a different kind. But seriously guys, that face? Those eyes? THAT MOUTH! Lord have mercy. I am weak okay. And that whole Ice Ice Baby does stuff to me...

Now to the main problem. I mean I guess you can guess at this point what it is, given that it was Oscars night last night. And that whole, I was deprived of my main man T.C. on the red carpet aside...I mean, y'all didn't expect him to shut down MI:8 just to go to the Oscars right? Hell would sooner freeze over. And I think we all knew Maverick isn't winning awards which is just.....gah! Shouldn't the point of entertainment industry be to I don't know entertain? I had read so many ridiculous comments over the past month about Top Gun. I get it okay, it's not your thing, you hate the Navy, you hate the Army in general, you hate Thomas, you don't like this, you don't like that. That's alright, we have different tastes thank fuck, but you know what's not okay? Hatred. Bullying. Gloating. I don't understand why if you don't like the movie, you can't let others enjoy it. I'm off topic. I don't know what the fuck that is that won ''best picture'', nor will I be watching it, but lets revisit the topic in a year and see which movie people still talk about. Wanna bet it's Top Gun?

But that still isn't the problem I was on about. It's the award for the best male actor. Yup. You knew this is coming right? Listen, I don't generally give a rats ass about the Grammys, the Oscars...it's all bullshit in the end BUT there are still...anomalies. I was mad as a hatter when the academy fucked over Chadwick Boseman, that was ugly. And now this. This...

Listen I am calling the academy right the fuck now. They're really gonna sit there and tell me that Austin Butler didn't deserve that award for all his hard work??! The man who didn't just act in a movie but put his entire life on hold for three years to become Elvis?! Is this a joke? Y'all think y'all are funny? I'm calling bullshit on this. 

Now listen to me, no disrespect on Brendan, don't misunderstand this. I loved him since I watched him in the Mummy. Mr. O'Connell is fire and Brendan is an amazing actor. He deserves nothing but love and all the awards on this planet for all the bullshit he's been through professionally and personally, and there is no doubt that he did amazing in the Whale (even if if you tell me I'm gonna come out of the theatre crying that's not very enjoyable to me). But here's my issue, Brendan came to set everyday and did his line, did his part, and then went home, turned it off, he was Brendan again. Austin didn't do that. He didn't act, he BECAME Elvis. He never turned it off. He still can't turn it off sometimes, they mock his accent but I think it's absolutely adorable when his Elvis voice comes through now and then. Austin didn't play a role, Austin became an icon. I could be biased as an Elvis fangirl, or an Austin fangirl sure, but this is far from it. 

Listen he lived and breathed Elvis to a point where Elvis' family said they had a hard time putting them apart some moments. They literally couldn't tell the difference. Can you imagine that? Immersing yourself into a role so much that the family of the person you're playing, can't tell the difference no more? Must be bitter sweet actually. But gosh. Amazing. Listen to me, Austin deserved this, for himself, for Baz, for Elvis and for Lisa Marie. I am so mad. Nobody could do what he did, or as well as he did, he did an amazing job and I know everyone is so proud of him, and I know his mom and Lisa and Elvis are proud of him, wherever they are. He deserved better and I hope this doesn't discourage him, this changes nothing, this only means that someone (who the fuck is in the jury?) is an idiot and can't reckognise real dedication and hard work. You're still the winner for me Aus. And that aside, despite everything congratulations to Brendan Fraser, I wish you were nominated at a different time but...sigh, it is what it is. And also Angela Bassett? Really Academy? Really? That was ugly. 

Now if you excuse me, I'ma open aliexpress because I need some crap that I don't really need but I do, if you know what I mean and lets be honest, I just love the search bar that says ''I'm shopping for...'' so I can type in ''Tom Cruise''. Hah. Let a fangirl dream okay. And for all my other T.C. fan girls out there, go check out what happens if you do that. It's AMAZING. I NEED EVERYTHING. 

Actually scratch that a glass of wine and sketching this amazing photo of Austin Butler I saw yesterday first. I swear my brain malfunctioned seeing that picture over my ENTIRE laptop screen. Also I need to get away from my family for a bit, they are insufferable today. Ugh. Jesus take the wheel because I am done.

Flyaway.

Todays post is a little different. And while I wanna write about this cute book I just finished…Omg you guys all the fluff! (Fluffy books? Seriously Nikki, the fuck is wrong with you?) Or complain about my shitty neighbors, because believe me that would be a whole damn novel on it's own. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people lately?! I know I keep asking the same question, but just what, WHAT is the matter with them? Half of them must be walking around brain damaged or something, because I just can't imagine recent behaviour to be normal. And don't think I'm excluding myself, we all know my sanity is so so at best and my moral compass hasn't been pointing north in a while, but hell, I still have some breathing room before I go completely off the rails of a crazy train.

Point here is, those of you closer to me will know I've been working on a book. Yep a real book, not just complaining online. Book is in theory fiction, but in practice it's my insane life. Fake characters, based on real people and real events. Does that make sense? I guess I need a better outlet than a blog to process all that's been happening, and all I've been feeling. It's been a bit much to put it mildly. So todays post is a section from said book, also because it's the best way to type down the ''torture'' I was put through. I think some of you will know right away, why the character based on me has an exotic name (I almost wrote erotic lol) and who the hell Theo is. And if you're feeling generous, I'd love some feedback on my email. But take mercy on me please, I'm no writer and writing is so hard. And yes what you read down below, actually did happen, exactly as I wrote it. 

 

 ''I don't understand, what are we doing? It's way too early.''

Ares muttered, staring in between the man sitting on her left and the landscape outside, which offered no clues as to where they are headed.

''Oh you know, that little day trip I planned, last minute? It'll be fun I promise'' Theo replied, a huge smirk planted on his face as he took a right turn, taking them off the highway. He was being vague, and if past experience is anything to go by, this will not end up well.

''But it's 15 minutes pass 5, in the freaking morning'' a chuckle left his lips as he glanced her over, a deep scowl on her tired face and arms crossed in protest.

''I swear if you even try to pull some stunt on me again, I'm divorcing your ass''

''You can't divorce me if we're not married'' Theo said, that annoying smirk still permanently plastered on his face.

''Well…in advance, I'm divorcing you in advance'' Ares replied, eyeing the road up ahead suspiciously, as the car was slowing down till it came to a complete stop in a parking lot, overlooking a couple of buildings and a….tarmac? As she got out of the car she observed several planes that littered the sides of the airport, glistening in the morning light that just started to peek over the mountains in the back. Ares made a face scanning her eyes across every single one of the planes till her eyes landed on a specific one, parked closest to them. She knew that plane, she's seen that plane before, several times, she even sat inside that plane, but she never wanted to be in the air in that specific plane. Spinning on her heels she glared at the grinning man standing next to her, playing with his  car keys. Looking absolutelly innocent, as if he didn't just drag her out of bed in the middle of the night to stand in the middle of an airfield with her.

''Why are we here? Why is THAT thing here?''

Instead of a reply to her question, Theo placed his arm on her lower back pushing her forward to the dark blue fighter beast, staring menacingly back at her.

''Don't make me call you by your full government name boy'' Ares hissed digging her heels in the tarmac and refusing to move any further.

''We my love, are getting over your silly fear today'' Theo finally replied and tried to pull her towards the jet once more.

''I'm sorry what? What did you say? Like hell we are'' Ares growled, turning around, scanning the path they just walked on towards the planes and the parking lot in the back. It wasn't that far, she could make it, if she made a run for it. He's probably faster than her but if she had a headstart…she could easily outrun him couldn't she? Perhaps.  It's worth a try. She could tell the people in the parking lot he kidnapped her. She could tell them to drive her to freaking Mexico for all she cared.

''What kinda plane is that?'' Ares asked pointing at something at the side on the other end of the landing strip. Theo followed her line of sight, narrowing his eyes, trying to decide what was she looking at.

''Oh, that's a…'' his sentence was interrupted by crunching gravel, turning around he saw Ares sprinting down the pathway they just came on. Ridiculously fast for someone that just woke up, is not a morning person, and hasn't had her morning coffee yet. A laugh left his lips before he ran after her, easily catching her and grabbing her shoulders to stop her.

''Ares stop!'' she manages to get away from him a second time and runs in the opposite direction, towards the tarmac and around the plane, resulting in them chasing eachother around its wings, earning more than a couple odd glances from pilots and engineers, that littered the air hangar and tarmac.

''Don't you trust me?'' he asks, sounding almost offended at even suggesting such a thing. She gives him a venomous look. ''I'm sorry but have you met you? Of course I don't freaking trust you!'' another chuckle left his lips as he rounded the nose of the plane, effectively catching her and lifting her feet off the ground, throwing her over his shoulder as if she weighted nothing. He carried her towards the hangar to pick up their flight suits and helmets.

''Theo I am serious, put me down, I am not getting in that thing'' it was useless to argue, he always had it his way. And if he didn't they'd just end up chasing eachother around all day, which at this point sounded as a better option to spending the day. So what was Ares to do but suit up and follow him? God knows he would most likely drug her to get her in the air, should she not comply…on a second thought…

''I don't feel so good'' Ares muttered slowly stumbling behind him. To be fair, nerves really were making her stomach twist and turn uncomfortably and her palms were drenched in sweat, as was her brow. Theo glanced her up and down, a frown on his pretty face.

''Listen, you have to get over your fear someday and there's no time like the present'' he said, taking her hand in his and kissing her knuckles softly, as if that will calm her erratic thoughts and blood rushing through her ears. Glancing between him and the plane again, she sighed and let him pull her towards it with a resignated hiss. He was laughing the entire way to the plane, that smug bastard, and even had the audacity to enjoy the view as she climbed inside. It's not like it was her first time in a plane, or a fighter jet for that matter, but it's her first time in a plane with a maniac for a pilot.  As he made sure to go about all his pre flight protocols, Ares glanced at the controls, switches and buttons inside the cockpit, her grandfathers words suddenly ringing in her head, ''they all come down somehow kid, nobody is ever left up in the air'' snorting silently she thought about the fact that she doesn't even have her last will and testimony written, and who would she even leave her valuables to in the first place? Well, ''valuables''. Theo would die laughing if he had a peak inside her head, and the thoughts swarming in there just now.

''Are you ready gorgeous?'' Theo asked a moment later, when he joined her inside and buckled them both in.

''What to die? Sure, I lived a good life'' Ares mumbled, trying to take a couple deeper breaths and calm her erratic heartbeat.

''So dramatic'' she heard Theo gasp over the sound of the canopy closing above their heads. A couple of words were exhanged between him and the tower, signaling to them that they are ready for take off. As the plane slowly rotated and started taxiing down the runway she felt her heart leap in her throat, and all the color drain from her face. Another slow turn brought them to the start of an endless looking runway, Theo flipped a couple switches and pushed a couple buttons, his left hand resting on the speed throtle. Launching the plane forward again, take off was slow, they were slowly gaining on speed, when the plane suddenly lost contact with the ground with several hundred feet of tarmac still ahead of them. They were barely 20 meters in the air and Ares didn't dare to open her eyes.

''You okay back there love?'' Theo asked while the plane was still climbing higher and higher in the air.

''No'' Ares muttered through gritted teeth, earning a soft chuckle in return. What is so funny? Just what? Her pain and suffering? Maybe he's just completely unhinged. That's it, she finally drove him crazy. That't the only explanation.

''We are about to reach our cruising altitude''  Theo muttered while still fiddling with controls and switches. Is it even safe to keep jerking those around in the air?

''The only thing you're about to reach is my nasty attitude'' Ares growled, trying to pry one eye open and look around them. A dozen fluffy white clouds floated around and above them, buzzing engine and Theos laughter filled her ears, as the fear subsided a little and she realized, so far so good. This wasn't so scary. As long as she remembers to never look down. Never look at the tiny houses, God knows how many meters below them.

''Look at those pretty trees and a creek up ahead'' Theo said pointing at something on the right side in the distance. Water shimmering in the orange sunlight of the sun that has barely completely risen.

''No thank you'' Ares replied without even bothering to look at what he was trying to show her.

''Alright then lets get closer'' Theo grumbled, same time as she felt the plane dropping from the sky, first a little and then completely, as if the engine has been shut down.

''THEODORE NO!'' Ares screamed, clawing her nails on the safety harness holding her in place as the plane took a sharp turn and lost altitude dramatically. He laughed loud, like a maniac she thought, or the freaking Joker, as they approached to whatever scenery he was observing earlier.

''See it now?''

''NO!'' Ares bit back, eyes shut tight. A dramatic sigh and the words ''okay then'' made her open her eyes just in time to realize, what her boyfriend was planning. Just as a tiny bubble of hope formed, making her think, maybe just maybe, he has some sanity left, the bubble was crushed.

''Don't you dare! Did you hear me?! Don't you fucking dare Theo I am divorcing your ass as soon as we land!''

''We are not married sweetheart'' Theo replied calmly, just in time when the plane flipped upside down. Ares screamed as her hands touched the canopy, the trees he was mentioning earlier seemed close enough for her to touch.

''See them now?'' Theo asked, giggling as the plane continiued to fly upside down for another thirty seconds, but then again it might have been a full hour.

''Oh my god you're insane, I swear you're deranged, this isn't normal! Please let me out!'' Ares muttered to herself, panting loudly as the plane leveled back up and flew a little bit higher.

''Should we land? Or do you wanna eject?'' Theo asked after a couple minutes and a fly around that brought them back to the area of the airport.

''Please for the love of everything holy land this beast and don't do anything stupid''

''Stupid? Like what? A barrel roll? Nose dive?''

''THEO NO!'' Ares screeched as the plane started spiraling seemingly out of control towards the ground. That's it, he's trying to kill us, he's actually trying to kill us, she thought as her hands covered her face. A minute later the plane straightened and the tower control sounded in her ears ''flight LF 365 you are free to land''. An exhausted sigh left her lips as she leaned back in her seat, the entire plane shook as it made contact with the tarmac, speed decreasing till it came to a complete stop. The canopy opened and a wave of fresh air hit them, cooling her burning skin. Theo got out first, tugging on the zipper of his flight suit and pulling off the sleeves, leaving him in a tight white tshirt. If she wasn't fuming with anger she'd admire how the suit looked, tied around his waist, giving her a full view of his inked up arms.

''Love? Is there a particular reason you're still in the plane? Wanna go up in the air again?'' Theo asked, making her eyes snap open in horror, she climbed out of the plane as fast as she could, lying on the tarmac, kissing the warm asphalt under her body. Loud chuckling was echoing all around her.

''Stop laughing you sociopath'' Ares muttered as she forced her exhausted body up on her feet and smacked Theo across his chest a couple times.

''It wasn't so bad was it?'' Theo asked tucking stray hairs behind her ears and fixing the loopsided shades on her face, if only to block the scowl and pure anger radiating from her eyes. Ares took a step back and leaned on the jet, honestly fearing her legs won't hold her up on their own.

''I hate you so much'' she muttered as she leaned forward, panting, trying to block out the dizzy feeling. Adrenaline slowly wearing out making her feel drained of all energy.

''Oh shut up you know you love me'' Theo protested, throwing both their helmets inside the plane.

''No, not today I don't'' Ares replied as she straightened back up, staring him down challengingly. That annoying smirk never left his face as he returned the gaze just as strongly.

''Are you at least a little bit less afraid of flying? Are we moving in the right direction?''

Ares thought about those questions for a while. Was she less afraid? Her grandfather would surely be ashamed of her. He would of love these planes. He would of loved flying them. Hell he would of loved Theo too. Sighing she pulled her shades off to look at him properly. He was patient, hands on his hips, gauging her reaction. Eyebrow slightly lifted and blue eyes shining in morning light.

''I could go back up…'' Ares started, watching his mouth twitch and form a grin that fell as soon as she finished the sentence.

''…just not with you. You are insane.''

''Fair enough'' Theo replied, a slight smile never leaving his face as they walked back to the hangar to change and leave the air field. Ares glanced back a couple of times, between the planes, the runway, Theo, the sky. She couldn't believe she actually did this, or better she couldn't believe she survived this.

''You know what this means though?''

''What?'' Theo asked, taking his car keys out of his pocket and opening the doors for her. Leaning on the frame he looked at her, noticing the color returning to her face, and the slight trembling of her hands.

''It means that now you have to do something you absolutely hate with me''

''Something like what?''

''I don't know. See Katy Perry in concert?'' Theo snorted.

''Love, you hate Katy Perry too.''

''I'll suck it up just to torment you'' Ares bit back, as he leaned over to buckle her seat belt and leave a quick kiss on her cheek. The idea of a sweet revenge made her instantly feel better. It's only fair. It's only fair he suffers like she suffers. The issue here though is that maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe she didn't hate it so much. But he can never find that out. If he did, life with him would be unsufferable.

 

Carino.

This is probably the 50th time I'm attempting to write this blog. Well any blog. It's not about the specific theme, it's about me. I'm the issue. Lets pretend I get it done this time. It's hard to get anything done with the screaming in my house which is only getting worse and worse. I don't know when things shifted and we started ''hating'' each other so much. People tell me ''you're not an island, you can't be alone and isolated'' but really, that's all I crave. And unless Henry Cavill, David Garrett or Tom Cruise magically decide they're hoplessly in love with me, I just don't want to be bothered. Any and all human interaction these days is just not worth it no more. Many things have lost it's meaning. Sometimes it feels like life all together lost it's meaning. 

I don't honestly understand what's wrong with people, if I felt alienated before that feeling is ten or twenty or fifty times worse now. It's not just that I don't fit in anywhere, it's also that I can't seem to be on the same page, hell same chapter or even in the same book with anyone. How do people still meet people? How do you talk to them? I don't know how to comunicate or connect no more, whatever I say / do it's wrong. So I tend to be silent at all times, minding my own business, because that's what I was taught at home, because each time I open my mouth it's met with screaming, sit down and shut up ''zitti e buoni'' right? It's a lonely place being completely alone even when there's people around you. 

It's one of those days when I just feel like sadness has creeped into every inch of my body and soul. I don't even know why, probably the result of the past years, things continiously spiraling downwards, constantly battling headaches that never want to fuck off, stress, anxiety, loss, life. Sigh. 

But all that angst aside how about some exciting things? I'm basically babbling over here to take a step away from my obsessions, like the Rock of ages movie. I've seen it a million times and here I am falling right back into that rabbit hole. Going feral for Tom in a role of a rockstar. Please Tom, for the love of everything holy, slam me down on that pool table and choke me so we can be done with it. That man is FINE okay. And let me just say this much, House of the dragon isn't doing me any big favours either. Y'all know I have problems with blond men as is and those Targaryen men? Um. Yes. Fuck yes. How old is Matt Smith btw? Any of you guys know? Probably too old for me but well...

Let me point out here how nice my friends are. This is a direct quote from one of them the other day ''please, Nikki doesn't want a boyfriend, Nikki wants a fictional man, with a sharp jawline, a sarcastic smirk, daddy issues and a tragic backstory.'' I mean he was not wrong if we're being honest. With my track record of men I DO like...yeah...

In also other news, Titanic is coming back to our movies and I shrieked. You guys know me you know that the one thing I always wanted is to see all my favourite classics on big screen. Hasn't happened yet with Top Gun, Grease, Dirty dancing, Cry baby, Hocus Pocus, Footloose, Jurassic park, INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE etc...but BUT it is happening next month with Titanic. Y'all may feel bad for the poor sucker being forced to go with me. Though between us, he may end up the one crying at the end. Now in order to celebrate this here's a little Leo DiCaprio doodle for you guys. How cute was he in this movie? 

Not really the blog post I wanted to write, but at least it's something right? I'll be back sooner I hope, with a book review, of something really cute. Idk what happened but I don't read blood and gore and fantasy no more...sigh. Or maybe you'll get a write up of the suffering at the movies. That'll probably be an experience in it's own. Lol.