I'm only gonna make it worse, but I don't know how to lift this curse.

I started this blog two years ago and after everything that happened in those two years it seems so far away. I was a completly different person back then. Not better or worse, just different. Life was different. When I closed down the other blog and opened this one this is what I wrote...

''I decided to keep it simple and write about things I love, things that make me happiest. I decided to share my art, my photography, my love for music, traveling, fast cars, Harley's, books, comics, movies, tv shows, shoes, vinyls, Jack Daniels, animals, the country side and all things strange and unusual that don't fit in the society's starndards of ''beauty'' and ''normality''. I just want this to be a positive space, I had enough negativity in my life and I don't need to make it worse, by writing about it and dwelling on it. This is a happy place. Containing all the things I love most. I hope you'll enjoy it or at least learn to appreciate the effort.''

Boy was I naiive. When was everything as easy? When was life ever easy? In the midst of this hell I was thrown into this December, and believe me despite everything in the past this December had to be in the top 3. I hate December did I mention? Most wonderful time of the year? How about no? Either way in the midst of is all I stopped, took a breath and thought about how petty I am being.

Yes life is awful, and I don't think I can take much more, I'm at my breaking point and I feel like I will snap any second. I never imagined that by trying to do something good for myself I will cause myself so much harm. If I'd knew this from the get go I would never do it.

Point is I am being petty, look at all the shit going on around the world, things that still happen that in a modern world shouldn't be happening, all the violence, all the hate, all the bullshit...it feels ridiculous to complain about the things and situations I find myself in. Yet at the end of the day I bottle up the stress, my fears, concerns, frustrations...and I try to survive the day. One day at a time. You know how it goes ''get up, dress up, show up'' and ''keep calm and carry on''. And I ask myself, when the fuck did I stop living and just started surviving instead?

I wonder...how long can I keep doing this for? How long can I keep putting one foot in front of the other, with a fake fucking smile on my face and all the weight, stress, and bullshit tagging along with me.

And the crazy thing is I don't even remember where all of it comes from, how long has it been dragging me down? It feels like forever. It feels like I am addicted to sadness. It feels like if I'm not sad, I am lost, I don't know what to do with myself.

Can I cut ties to everything dragging me down? No idea. How? What if all of it is tied to who I am and suddenly without all this weight I was nothing. Maybe it all has some point, value if you will. No idea. Does all of it have a point at all? Is the fight even worht the prize? No fucking clue.

Maybe all of this crap is what is giving me the compassion and empathy for others because I know what it's like. To love and lose, to be forgotten, to be mistreated, to be hurt, lost, sad, depressed...maybe that's why I can make a connection with others, maybe our paths cross for a reason, maybe people are set on our paths for a certain reason. To change your life, to make it better, to make it different, to steer you off the path you're walking on because it may not be the best thing for you and even you yourself don't know it.

I'm not looking for an anwser, I know nobody knows, neither do I. We all kinda do life as we go along. There's no manual, we let our fears, morals, love, whatever else guide us....

I had no idea where this post will end up, my mind is disoriented and messy. I have every single negative emotion in me right now and I hate it. Things haven't been this bad in a long time and I hate that even more. I guess this time I am completly lost. Not a little bit, but completly. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go and I don't know how to move on. You know that line in that song ''Did you ever try so hard that your world just fell apart.''? Yeah that...I try and I try but I think I've reached my limit. I can't do it no more.

Life needs to be sweetened.

Did you ever wake up in the middle of the night because of a dream? A nightmare? Shaking and sweating trying to catch your breath but choking instead? It happens to me more times then I'd like lately. And it's always the same. Same concept I mean. All of the worst things I could imagine happening to me in one giant ''movie production'' playing in my head and it's horrible. Which is why I'm here right now, 3 am Sunday morning, trying to catch my breath...

This is not a good start for the first actual post I did in a while *and I'm sure the post won't be good either*, I know, I'm sorry, life has been absolutely insane. It really has been a couple of crazy weeks. So it's safe to say my mind has been...occupied with other things. Like people around me, is there something wrong with me or literally everyone around me? When did people get so stupid, judgemental, egoistic and self centered? When did they turn so evil, wishing bad upon everyone and everything slightly different then them? I really don't seem to understand. What do you get from so much hate? God knows.

I think it's best I focus on some music instead, gonna be interesting, here I am writing about an album and listening to something completly different and very local on my iPod while doing so. Lets see how this works out.

So this album is also on Rolling Stones 50 greatest hair metal albums of all time. And it really is one of the greatest. I mean not better then Skid Row's debut but pretty damn close. I got my copy at a flea market for like ten bucks. Which was the first and only time I ever found anything good or remotely interesting at our flea markets. Usually it's all trash with a price tag on it. Judging on that I could sell a ton of my old stuff that I threw out instead. Maybe that was my blonde moment.

Timing is everything isn't it? And isn't it funny how some people are just on the right place at the right time? So were Cinderella because guess what? Non other then Jon Bon Jovi is responsible for Cinderella even having their hair metal fairytale *bless you Jon* because he discovered them after catching their set in some Philadelphia club where he was recording his Fahrenheit album at the time. Jon was aparently completly in love with them and made the guy who signed Bon Jovi at Mercury go check them out who aparently said ''great looks, great music, great energy, but the drummer and the guitar player need to go'' or something along those lines. If I understood it correctly they've been listening to that a lot at the time. When they held auditions for that guitar player Snake Sabo auditioned. Can you imagine that? Snake! At the end LaBar got the place, they got the deal and the rest is history...is it ever that easy? I doubt it. Hah.

Can we just talk about the cover for a second though? What's with the pink fog and that huge hair? And the clothes? I mean there is so much more, SO MUCH MORE to this band then the whole glam thing they've got going on. It's giving me this vibe, what would you call it today, ''mainstream''.

Their first big hit was Nobody's fool which really is a great song, to be fair the album is worth getting for that song alone. Though I think what really put this album on the map and gave it a place in music history was when they were invited on tour with Bon Jovi. The Slippery when wet tour that is. Totally made them stars, got them number three on the Billboard chart and the album went triple platinum. Can we just take a moment here, like can I just point out how unfair life is? I really should be 20 years old in the 80's, all the band boys...this is so unfair. Or maybe this is one of those moments when you realize there's a reason behind everything...I'd be a total groupie in those days. Let's move on before this post gets out of control. Hah.

Cinderella's second album, which I actually prefer was just as succssesful and then it all went south with Heartbreak station. I'm still not sure what happened there but jesus it was bad. Their fourth album was pretty much ignored and it may had to do something with this new decade and alternative music starting to grow or the fact that the albums just aren't good. I'm sorry boys, I still love you but I don't love those two albums.

But still all that aside when we talk about my favorite glam, hair metal, hard rock from the 80's without too much thinking Cinderella makes that list. Bon Jovi really knew what's up. Back in the day they played their music the way they wanted to and it was the best thing ever. Glam metal at it's finest. And let's not forget all the emotion in it too.

Night songs their debut came out in 1986 and totally rattled the glam metal scene at the time because it was something new and different. They had that dirty sleazy metal yes but they managed to put raw emotion into their music as well but that is far more obvious on their second album which is also better then this one but let's not go there again. I really do love ''Don't know what you got'' that much yes.

Night songs has ten songs and they're all powerful, great songs, with Tom's growls and all the amazing solo's it really makes it for a bitchin album. The final product? Woah, all I can say is woah. First time I played it I was like ''damn'', such an amazing record. Guitar parts are really something else. And not to mention Tom's charisma, he's got it. That something that most modern singers lack on stage. But he had it. The accent, the growl, everything. You can't mistake his voice, it's so special and emotional. And let's not forget that Jon Bon Jovi actually sings on this album, yup he did some back vocals. I think that would make me love Cinderella even if I didn't. Huge Bon Jovi fan yes.

The opening title track has this wonderful dark prelude before it hits us with those guitars and that classic 80's metal sound which really makes it for an ideal opening. Shake me is a total metal anthem and lets not even begin with Hell on wheels and that guitar solo or drumming in it. You know what they actually remind me of? Like if AC/DC and Def Leppard had a baby, I think Cinderella would be that baby. Ha!

Then you've got Nobody's fool. Power ballads...such an 80's thing, even the toughest bands seemed to do ballads back then. This song though, it's really nice, still one of my favorites, Keifers voice really shines through on it and it has this slow, kinda metalish vibe. And the lyrics too, all in all it's a great song.

Other great songs on it are obviously Nothing for nothing, Somebody save me which has a serious AC/DC vibe with that one riff and of course Back home again which has a guitar solo to die for.

All in all, it's a great album and honestly you need to get pass the cover, listen with your ears not eyes, as I said there's so much more to them then big hair. There is only one singer out there with a voice like Tom Keifer and that is Tom Keifer so seriously give them a chance and play it, I promise you'll love it.

This is as good as it gets this week, and as much as you get, I'm exhausted, my mind won't cooperate properly. Now go listen to some Cinderella kids and party on.

All of these stars will guide us home.

''It's just another night and I'm staring at the moon, I saw a shooting star and thought of you. I sang a lullaby by the waterside and knew if you were here I'd sing to you. You're on the other side as the skyline splits in two, miles away from seeing you.''

''So open your eyes and see the way our horizons meet and all of the lights will lead into the night with me. And I know these scars will bleed but both of our hearts believe all of these stars will guide us home.''

Das beste

''It's another day, wanna get away from here, there's a plane up on a runway, gonna run away from here, cause the rain is so terribly dull and it bores me, yeah misery adores me.''

I want to break out and get away, I want to just try and live for me cause if we don't try then we won't believe that we could've had it. I want to let go, and fall for you and when it gets rough, be your parachute, I want to do the things that you only read about, are you ready?''

He once told me, ''it's not your artworks that make you an artist but your ability to paint a smile on every face you come across, but just like every artist consoled with art because of a broken life, there's a twist to you too'' and I asked him, what my twist is. You know what he told me? ''You never paint a smile on yourself''.

Michelangelo said that the true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection. That's what he is, to me at least, divine perfection. And you know what it is that I love most about him? All those pieces he says are broken, all the tiny little things he says are wrong, ugly, meaningless, all the things he hates about himself, all the things other people hate about him, I just love them that much more. It's all a matter of perception, some see beauty some see a mess. All those little things make you you. Little imperfections, quirks and personality traits that are unique to each and everyone of us.

You know what the problem is? I fell in love with those cracked, broken, destroyed pieces of him and when he showed me the good side I fell even harder and quite honestly, right now, I don't think I'd survive the landing. Does that make sense? Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Did you ever ask yourself why are we so fascinated with stories about vampires or werewolves falling in love with mortals? Or an angel falling in love with a human? The most normal, boring, ordinary human. Why are there so many works of fiction out there about super heroes and normal girls? Because we know that love is both a weakness and a strength, even the darkest, meanest, most twisted can feel love, can fall in love, get sweaty palms and go weak in the knee, well the Hulk probably can't but you get the point. And it's that idea that no matter what you're going through, who you are, where you are in life, love can still get in. And love is the only thing that can weaken you, make you vulnerable, make you breakable but also be the strongest force in your life, pushing you forward, giving you a reason to live. It was always love and it always will be love that's the driving force of everything, why do we do something? Why do we like certain music, movies, books? What we love, who we love? It's always love that can make a change in the world. Everything begins and ends with love. And to be fair it doesn't matter if you're broken, cracked, destroyed...just like light, love can get through the cracks and isn't that the most beautiful thing?

I don't know where I'm going with this, it's been a long hard week, so much has happened and the storm in my head doesn't seem to calm down. I have a ton of regrets and doubts and fears and what if's and questions. My fucking mind never shuts up, I worry about shit I shouldn't even worry about, nothing is alright. But in the middle of that storm there's just one thing that is as clear as the bright blue sky. Out of all the things I do regret and mistakes I've made. He wasn't one of them, and no matter how we go on from this point, no matter what happenes...

I will still love you, ástin mín.

''I'm done with small town politics, I need to make my way to where the action is, I'm done with it, so the question is are you coming with? Cause baby, if you like, I'll take you there, imagine all the places we could go to disappear, or we could turn the light off and go back to bed, stare at the stars at your ceiling and pretend that we're somewhere else.

I want to break out and get away, I want to just try and live for me, cause if we don't try then we won't believe that we could've had it. I want to let go, and fall for you and when it gets rough, be your parachute, I want to do the things that you only read about, are you ready?''

You got this.

You know sometimes life gets really tough, and sometimes it seems like the sun will never shine again. And those days we all need a little reminder, something to get us through the day. I'm sharing some of mine here today because tough days seem to come more often then good ones lately and I myself need to be reminded of certain things sometimes.

You are worthy.

You are important.

You will make it through.

You are capable of great things.

You don’t deserve the harsh words you tell yourself.

You are more than enough.

It’s okay to be sad and not know why.

You don’t have to be positive all the time.

You’re allowed to get upset over things, and express yourself over things that hurt you.

It’s okay if you relapse into a previous state, this does not diminish your progress.

It’s okay to cry, you don’t have to play tough all the time.

You don’t have to push yourself too hard all the time. It’s okay to rest, you know your own limits.

Just because you aren’t where you want to be right now, doesn’t mean you won’t get there. You may even find a better destination along the way.

You are going to be okay. It may hurt right now, and it may be a struggle, and nothing feels like it matters, but it's going to be alright, you got this girl.

You’re going to get through this, and you will rise from this stronger, wiser, and better because of it. It may feel like hell right now, it may feel like your entire world is falling apart but you will get through this and you'll be better then ever, you'll live, love, laugh.

All things must pass and so will the dark shadow fallen upon you, you'll see the light again and you'll feel the sun again, you'll see life, you'll see hope, you'll feel free again.

And when things go wrong, take a deep breath. Regroup. You got this.

And the stars look very different today.

''I, I will be king and you, you will be queen, though nothing, will drive them away, we can beat them, just for one day. We can be heroes, just for one day. And you, you can be mean, and I, I'll drink all the time, 'cause we're lovers, and that is a fact, yes we're lovers, and that is that. Though nothing, will keep us together we could steal time, just for one day, we can be heroes, forever and ever, what'd you say?''

Sometimes I'm such a cliche. When someone says David Bowie I only think of one song. My favorite one. Heroes of course, even though through his career he recorded so much great music.

Did you know that till now his record sales were estimated at around 140 million albums worldwide, which made him one of the worlds best selling music artists. In the UK alone he was awarded nine platinum albums, eleven gold ones and eight silver ones. Not to mention he's been in the Rock n roll Hall of fame since 1996.

And he started out by studying art, music and design before taking on a professional career as a musician. I think what I like about him is his experimentation. There was nothing ''by the book'' or ''boring'' or ''normal'' about David or you know Ziggy Stardust. How cool is the collaboration with Queen ''Under pressure'' really? Two such amazing vocalists together. That song makes the hair on the back of my neck stand. I heard a stripped version once with no music and it's not just amazing, it's AMAZING. Just like Prince I always wished that maybe someday I'd get to see him live but obviously that didn't happen, David's last concert was at a charity event in 2006 but actual touring stopped in 2004.

He never gave up on music though, up to the last moment he was a singer. Blackstar was released in 2016 and he died just two days after. I gotta say I was rather shocked. You know how Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix all died just months apart? This felt like a Deja vu. Prince, Bowie and Lemmy. Horrible.

I was just listening to this album this morning and though it would make a great next post. I think that out of the three albums I do actually own, this one is the best one.

Bowie's most commercially successful album to date. Reaching number 1 on both sides of the Atlantic. Am I being a cliche again if I say I love it? I don't know sometimes aparently I'm into mainstream and popular stuff too. Rarely, but it happens. It also happened that he despite being a pop musician is one of my favorites. Let's face it, I can't stand pop music but I love him and I love Michael Jackson.

Let's dance is a great album, but I find it hard to imagine now how people felt when this album came out. Despite his comeback being eagerly awaited, it was literally out of nowhere and the general pop loving crowd loved it while die hard Bowie fans were not convinced, I mean this record may had given him this new ground breaking sound and popularity he was after but it's kinda...I don't know ''normal''. It's hard to pin point exactly what it is, but comparing to the prior releases this is completly different. If you look at how hardly the fans were waiting for it I understand why there were some that were disappointed. They knew Ziggy Stardust and suddenly there's just David, smiling, bleach blonde rock star.

He worked on this album together with Nile Rodgers and as coproducers I think they really complete eachother. Scary monsters was great but it was also a bit of a one way street. So Let's dance was really a step up. The song Let's dance itself is fun, upbeat, pop, that 80's dance vibe. Which is probably also why this was his fastest ever selling single, reaching top charts pretty much everywhere. David is using a different type of singing on it, which is what I think is so great about him, he can sing in so many different styles. Like ''Modern love'' for example, he said that the song was inspired by Little Richard and that he used his ''rock voice'' for it. And he pushed it to the point where it almost sounded a bit strangled or strained if you will. But just think about it for a second the man is a genius, so many styles, so many ''voices'' all in one singer. Amazing.

China girl is on this album also, I love that song to be fair. I love how it starts simple and cheery and like a pop song and then slowly turns into something different, much harder and darker. Did you know that China girl is recycled material? It was originally a song Bowie wrote for - with Iggy Pop on the artists 1977 album ''The Idiot''. Who names an album ''the idiot''? Wait maybe I'm missing something here, this is probably kinda like Green day's American idiot, though to be fair despite being released in 2004, American Idiot's full potential is showing now, with an American Idiot sitting in the White house.

This entire album is great don't get me wrong but there's three songs that I feel are worth the price of an album and I know that is about the most over used thing a music blogger could say but it's also true. Those songs are Without you, Shake it and Modern love. I think these songs are something else, the lyrics are far more bold just because they're so damn simple they make you ask what the hell was he thinking. Hinting at simple mindedness? Hah. I really can't tell.

''Modern love gets me to the church on time, church on time terrifies me''

What do you think he was trying to say with this? That he doesn't want to progress with the modern world? Is it about trying to stay stable in an ever changing world? Is it about a man who is very much fearful of a romantic relationship and commitment? You know what I think it's about? I think it's about growing up, facing these new responsibilities that let's face it can seem scary at times. I love that little growl on this song too.

Sometimes we look for deeper meanings in songs that don't really have them. Sometimes two people understand a song completly different, but at the end of the day, does it really matter? Aren't we all allowed to have an opinion? Without you is pretty simple to understand though, and it's the simplicity and the honesty that I love, like a simple retro song ''I want you to want me'' bam end of story.

''Just when I'm ready to throw in my hand, just when the best things in life are gone I look into your eyes.

There's no smoke without fire. You're exactly who I want to be with. Without you, what would I do?

And when I'm willing to call it a day just when I won't take another chance, I hold your hand.

There's no smoke without fire. Woman, I love you. Without you, what would I do?''

Wouldn't it be great if more things in life were quite as simple? And then you've got Shake it. The vocals alone are something else on that one and the lyrics ''I could take you to heaven, I could spin you to hell but I'll take you to New York, it's the place that I know well.'' totally cool. Shake it is like the final straw, one last thing that ''killed'' the pretending. It's like, he spent so long up to that point behind masks, an alter ego, a different persona and here he just let it go, here he was simply David.

Album ends in the best way possible, with the lines "When I'm feeling disconnected, well, I sure know what to do, shake it, baby.". A line to live by to be serious. We should all learn how to let lose sometimes, take things easier, less serious, enjoy life, sing like nobody is listening, dance like nobody is watching. You know what I mean? Bowie was on to something here.

At the end of the day, the album has some flaws, second side is not nearly as good as the first and the song Ricochet feels like trying too hard. Never the less the album was number 4 on the charts and Bowie's first platinum selling album even if later sales of older albums surpassed that. And also as a fun fact this album is one of the earliest recordings of Stevie Ray Vaughan. He said yes to recording with Bowie without even knowing much about his music. Hah.

Either way, I find myself enjoying this record anytime I spin it. It's cool, it's fun, it's different, David cut the crap with it. So, guys, put it on and Let's dance.

''I don't know where I'm going from here but I promise it won't be boring.''

1.11.2012