Cry, if you want to cry, if it helps you see, if it clears your eyes.

My god, it's been a long week. I don't even know where to start.

A bomb at a concert in Manchester. A bomb on a concert that mostly kids attend. I can't even begin to express the level of disgust and horror and sickness I feel. I can hardly find words now, to even process or say what I want to say. Music is a safe zone, a get away, a release to so many people. I know what it means to me, it makes me happiest. Concerts make me happy. Music makes me happy. I can't imagine someone taking that away from me. I can't imagine some sicko taking that away from the kids. Nobody should go to a concert and never come home. Concerts are like coming home to so many kids, for that hour or two or three you feel like you're home, like you belong, like you're exactly where you're supposed to be. It's about sharing a bond, with the fans, with the artist. The bond you feel surrounded by strangers that feel like family because you're all there for the exact same reason. The bond you feel with the artist, the goosebumps you feel when that first chord of your favorite song hits and you've never felt more alive. Thing is, no matter how hard it gets, how messed up this world is, we should never let that bond get broken. Nothing should tear it apart, in these dark times we should only make it stronger. Stand together and rise up against it.

I've seen some comments on twitter and I can't even begin to explain how rude, tastless and mean I find them. Nobody cares whos concert it was, I'm personally not a fan of Ariana either but that makes no difference to me, what happened should never happen. What happened is not her fault or her fans fault. Nor should she be blamed based on her music and clothes. This is only one man's fault. A monster. He doesn't even deserve to have his name remembered or mentioned. This is not religion, it's not Islam, it's not Christianity, it's an act of complete barbarism. Taking the lives of innocent children who were out to see their idol. Taking parents from those children...taking kids who had so much to live for, so many dreams, goals, aspirations...these are not actions of a human but a beast.

What happened in Manchester is an absolute tradgedy but people are forgetting or I don't know maybe they are ignorant on purpose...it's not just the UK, it's not just Europe. On the same day there was car bombing in Syria, a bomb in Bangkok, terrorists taking over Marawi where people are still trapped and dying and the world still turns a blind eye to it all. Ignoring it is easier? I guess so. But why are their lives worth less? Is this another white privilege? Children are still children, people are still people and nobody deserves this life. Don't be ignorant.

To ALL the victims and ALL the families affected by any and all of these events all over the world. I am so sorry, my heart is broken just as yours is. I hope time brings you at least a little bit of comfort.

It feels wrong to write about anything else in the same post, but to be honest I don't want another sad post when it feels like sad posts are all I write lately.

By now I believe you all heard about Chris Cornell, the what, how, why...I'm not going to sit here and pretend I was a huge fan of either Soundgarden or Audioslave. I liked some of their music and that was that. But that makes no difference, Chris's death was a huge shock. I admired him, as an artist, he had an amazing voice. And after hearing what really happened. Well that really hit home. I feel like when it's suicide it hits twice as hard. It hurts because these things could have been prevented. No matter the case, no matter the reason, if we were all just a little kinder, nice, willing to help one another, spread love instead of hate...so much of it could be prevented.

But the thing that really bothers me is Chris's mother in law. His wife is handling this so well and so graceful. And then there is her mother, on twitter, attacking Eddie Vedder using words like ''peasant'' and ''gypsy''. I understand grief, lord knows I do, and I understand that anger is often a part of processing that grief but there should be some lines in the sand you shouldn't cross. How Eddie decided to handle his grief is his own problem and if not making a statment is his way of coping that's his business, he's not obligated to say anything. Haven't you heard that line before ''silence speaks volumes''? Turning people against him now, turning the fans against him and the band. That's just completly out of line and disrespectful. Chris wouldn't want any of it. And all that coming from a woman that only used his name to get herself some attention.

Last song he sang on stage was Led Zepp's ''In my time of dying''. ''In my time of dying, I want nobody to mourn. All I want for you to do is take my body home''. To the people that don't seem to understand why people, the fans, mourn an artist...these artists were our shoulder to cry on at some point. They've been our rock, our comfort, our safe haven. They've been our families, our leaders, friends, teachers, role models, heroes. They've been there for us when we felt completly alone, they gave us a hand and picked us up from the ground when things got really rough. They've helped us move on, be stronger, be braver. Artists and musicians inspire us in endless ways and on a daily basis. And most importantly they've been with us through different stages of our lives, maybe we've grew up with them, maybe they were there on our most important days, maybe they were just making us happier in general. We've made so many memories with them, so when they die...a part of us dies too.

Rest In Peace, Chris, you will be missed.

I can't believe that there's one more thing I have to add to this post. And this one really hurts. I learned a while back that I really can't handle someone I love hurting in any kind of way. Then again who can? Who can sit by and watch someone you care about suffering...and suffering in a way that you can't even help them. That is...that is hell. Specially when you can relate, when it's the kinda hell you've once been in so you know just how bad it really is...

Oh baby, my heart was so broken last night when I learned what is going on. I hate, HATE knowing that you're hurting and there is nothing any of us can do to help you. And I think it's very courageous that you told all of us what's happening. You didn't have to but you did, that was very brave. Depression is hell, it can hit everyone and it's so hard to overcome but what really matters is knowing you're not alone. And you're not. Your family, your friends, your fans, we're all here for you, we'll all wait for you to get better because that's the only thing that matters, nothing else but you being alright.

You once helped me when I was at my worst, I wish I could do the same for you now. I love you so much, stay strong, fight this, I know you can. I can't wait to see that big bright smile again, when you're ready that is. I just hope you know that you're so precious to so many people, and so special and so amazing, and so perfect in so many ways. I love you, I love you, I love you, thank you for everything.

Just me and my old blue jeans.

Just to keep things interesting I decided to do something different today. Once again. You figured out by now that I love music right? And art, and art history and regular history. So when all that blends into one I'm probably the happiest person on the planet. Well that was a bit over the top, I never was the happiest person and I probably never will be but you get the general idea right?

Some saturday mornings I manage to get out of bed at a semi normal hour *cough ten am cough* and what's better on such morning then a little arts and culture and such? The source of my happiness this week was a new museum exhibition in our local ''museum of modern history''. I spend quite a lot of time there, they have this permanent exhibition called ''Living in Celje'' which is a tribute to our city, there's this chronological overview of the 20th century history of the city and the people. And my absolute favorite thing the actual street with tiny old shops on the second floor, reconstructed as they once were and you can walk through the street, looking at shop windows, a market and a middle class apartment.

All that aside there's a different exhibition this post is going to be about. A temporary one. They have plenty of those, out of which I basically saw all. This one is called ''Jeans generation'' popular culture of this town from jeans to cellphones. It's a variety of objects popular with basically everyone since the 50's and up to today. It's not just things though, it's also a story of what life was like here, what growing up was like here. And of course this relationship with the popculture and it's movments, and ties to what was going on in the world at the time.

This is what it says at the begining;

Dear visitor,

if you are wearing a piece of denim or if you carry a cell phone, then a tour of this exhibition will go beyond being a mere journey from the first pair of jeans to your mobile phone; rather, you will become a part of the show as you actively contribute to it and continiue the story of Celje's popular culture. In a way, you will be the show. As you will soon find, this is not only an exhibition about Celje's popular culture, but also an exhibition about you, your experiences, your music, your favorite piece of clothing, your favorite book and film, perhaps your first and maybe even the last app downloaded to your smartphone. This is an exhibition about the past and the present, and about a variety of topics intertwining and completing each other to create an all embracing story about the popular culture of Celje.

P.S.: Photos, selfies, use of social networks, commenting, likes etc. are allowed at this exhibition.

WI-FI IS AVAILABLE - BUT WE STILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO TALK TO EACH OTHER INSTEAD. ;)

That last one made me giggle. Hah. Now back to the point, I really loved it, not just because it's so me it made me feel like I should stand in a corner as part of the exhibition but also because it was amazing seeing all the old tickets for music festivals, some long gone but some that are still going on today which I'm now a part of as well. And it was also a nice memory of things we all miss, such as this really great club, it was called ''Kljub'' which is a brilliant name because not only it means ''club'' in our language but also because it's shortened of the word ''kljubovati'' which means to oppose or to defy. It was opened in 1965 for a short period of time my grandmother worked there as an event planner. Who would of thought? During the 80's and later it was transformed into this place of socializing and just a get away of a sorts for all kinds of creativity and different alternative cultures. It was unfortunally closed down in 2005. Tragic day that was I tell you...

I really enjoyed the exhibition, it's a perfect blend of the old and new, funny how some things come back and some never leave they just...adapt to modern times...here are some pictures, enjoy,...

P.S. Should I worry that the outfit on that second picture might as well be stolen from my own closet?

The exhibition is located in Museum of modern history in Celje, Slovenia and will be open until September 2017. If you're around come check it out.

If I had a dollar for each time a baby boomer complains about the millennials I could buy a house in the economy they ruined.

You know what really bothers me these days? I know I know, you don't want to hear about the millionth thing that bothers me but you will anyways. The god damn baby boom generation. I mean not all of them but most of them. All the talk about millennials. Millennials this millennials that...

Warning: quite a lot of swear words ahead. I'm upset, let me be.

You know what's funny, we, the millennials are a generation of kids who were told all our lives that failure is not an option. How are you supposed to develope the skills you need to deal with your own emotions after you do lose? Because let's face it life is not all sunshine and rainbows. And secondly nobody ever tells you how to deal with the amount of pressure we've been subjected to through our entire lives. Social preassures such as terrorist attacks, recessions, all this talk of war, tension here tension there, all the racism, homophobia, all the hate. And all that mixed with the pressure of schooling, did you know that students these days are subjected to the same stress as people in mental hospitals in the 50's? Am I the only one who thinks that's insane? Not to mention the social pressure of going to college or worse not going to college when once you think about it isn't even a realistic or worthwile investment no more. Schools are expensive as hell, and once you're done with them then what? If you're lucky you get a job. IF you're lucky. But it's not a job you'd want, it's not a job you'd be passionate about, a job you'd love. And you know what? You have to take it anyways because who the fuck cares about ambitions and wishes and goals and dreams...that's so passe isn't it? And the worst part? Despite having a crap job that you hate you have it just to survive. And you still can't. I find it insane that kids these days don't dream of crazy things but actual financial security, a job they wouldn't hate, a small place of their own. I can't stand the fact that these things that are just basic needs are becoming dreams.

I have this feeling that our lives are a different type of monopoly, the kind where you're just walking around paying but never buying anything because you can't afford shit.

I can't stand the constant accusations of being lazy when you miss out on one of many things expected of us. Or an idiot when you want a job that will actually challenge you and help you grow instead of slowly killing you inside. I don't understand what's so bad about wanting to try out different things, about not wanting to stay in one place for too long. In wanting to grow and change and just live.

So maybe all these older generations are better then us, they're not ''lazy'', they're not a snowflake that needs a safe space because words hurt *idiots*. But you know what? You're also better at being homophobic, sexist, racist, and in creating the worst and I do mean the worst job and housing market this world has ever seen then dumping it all on us, telling us we're the ones who fucked up the economy we never even touched. And despite everything you have the nerve to call us sefish, selfcentered, entitled, narcissistic and lazy while we're the ones struggling with school and jobs at the same time and struggling to live a normal adult life that we can't even afford. And doing things at the side we actually care about. So yes maybe we won't do better and maybe you are better then us but christ we sure as hell can't do worse.

Oh right ''You kids don't know how hard we had it! Everyone had to use the Library to get information and we didn't have cell phones!'' and most of my generation suffers from depresion and wants to die, but you're right, not having cell phones and google is far worse…my bad.

The thing is of course we want more from our lives, we were told all our lives, just go to college and you'll get a great job. Well guess fucking what? College and thousands of dollars of debt later there are no jobs. 2 or 3 minimum wage jobs still not being able to survive is disgusting.

''Why not get a better job instead?'' Oh I don't know, why don't people that are drowning just breathe more?

''Get a part time job to pay off your student debt'' You can't pay off you student debt all your life with a full time job these days.

''Millennials are so entitled'' Because nothing screams entitled more then interns with degrees working for free.

''You are too sensitive, do you need a safe space?'' Says someone who can't hear a swear word or god forbid see a nipple.

So you're saying that teenagers are too young to know their sexual orientation or whether or not they’re in love but they are old enough to vote and to be deciding what career and degree and life they want to have forever. How very convenient isn't it?

I honestly don't even understand being called selfish? I mean honestly how are we selfish, greedy, self entitled? If you go around asking any of my friends what they really want, all they'd say is a tiny apartment, a job that pays enough so I can at least buy food and a dog or a cat but only if I can feed them. How is that greedy?!

I don't understand all this talk about young people being rude and horrible. Have you ever seen an older person at a restaurant? Or at the store? They throw a tantrum for every single petty little thing. I get told to shut up and sit down because homophobia offends me while these people were offended having to drink from the same water fountain as a black person. Are.you.kidding.me?! we get called a ''snowflake'' for protesting against and for things that matter but they write a ten page review for a restaurant because they had to wait 10 minutes longer to get their food. Oh my god.

The whole ''you'll see what it's really like when you get out in the real world''. Bitch where the fuck do you think I was up till now? Hogwarts?

Here's a lovely thought, a millenial takes too many selfies in one day spamming up their facebook account but a baby boomer manages to destroy, British, global and continental economy all in one day. But please do tell me how taking selfies is such a crime. You know what really sets me off? They already fucked up the world we are forced to live in but they still continiue to do so. They're the ones ruining the countries, fucking up the politics and economy, making terrible decisions that not only they but us as well have to live with.

So help me god if I hear another ''when I was your age I was married with kids and had my own house, no reason you can't do that too''. Now sit down and shut up Susan and listen to me. 40 years of exponential inflation. You know what that means? It means that a young let's say 20 something couple with low or middle income jobs could buy a house for 30 000 which would now cost 600 000. Expecting our generations to do same as you did is not only ridiculous but also completly ignorant. Our hard work and money doesn't give us half the things it gave you, 7 dollars used to have the same buying power that 50 dollars have today. Living expences are going up and wages stay the same. Rent is 50% of the minimal wage. Student loans for colleges and jobs we don't even get. Health care aparently is no longer a right but a privilege. How the fuck do you expect us to move out, buy a house, buy a car, have children, save money?!

Here's a few facts for you;

Millennials Are the Most Educated, Worst Paid Generation.

The good news: millennials are the savviest, best-educated generation to date. The bad news: They're also earning less than ever. The averaged earnings of adults ages 18-34 between 2009 and 2013—$33,880—is the lowest since 1980

-New York Times

Part of the problem, of course, is the slow economy, high unemployment, stagnant wages, and crushing student loan debt that most millennials shoulder. The other part of the problem is the Baby Boomers. The children of the greatest generation, but also be the most irresponsible generation.

Life is just peachy isn't it?

Now my final words to all my fellow millennials. Life is hell I know, there's been more ups then downs. But there are some things they don't want you to know that you need to know. Things such as how our generation is actually much larger then the baby boomers. They know that if we turned towards a political reform we could change the world. They want us to be stagnant on stupid tv shows and dumb music. They want to cut down our education and feed us brain candy instead. It's a lot easier to raise sheep then revolutionaries right? They intentionally took away our music and gave us MTV's top 50 pop charts that are just about the dumbest thing out there. They took away our art and started force feeding us all these dumb reality shows, all in the hopes that we'd sit quietly and patiently and let them run the world. Or should I say ruin the world. We as a society are only as strong as our weakest link. Now my question is, are we really going to stand by and let this happen? Watch it happen? Or are we going to give them hell?

P.S. to the few baby boomers that understand, and are not ignorant like the rest of the world. Thank you, I appreciate you, if only there were more of you.

Ti si pač ti in to je nekaj več

S tabo misli so ideje in ideje novi cilji. S tabo cilji so izzivi in izzivi so rešljivi. Je lepo ko v meni prebudiš občutke, je lepo ko večno spremeniš trenutke.

Vidim nebo ti si del neba, slišim srce si del srca, nisi premalo nisi preveč, ti si pač ti in to je več. Vidim nebo ti si del neba, slišim srce si del srca, nisi premalo nisi preveč ti si pač ti in to je nekaj več.

S tabo je tako preprosto, enostavno in zabavno. Si ljubezen ki kar traja, si ljubezen ki ostaja. Je lepo ko je življenje potovanje, je lepo ker ti presegaš moje sanje.

Vidim nebo ti si del neba, slišim srce si del srca, nisi premalo nisi preveč, ti si pač ti in to je več. Vidim nebo ti si del neba, slišim srce si del srca, nisi premalo nisi preveč ti si pač ti in to je nekaj več.

Šank Rock - Nekaj več

Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

I'm going to tell you a story...a story that fits far better in the blog with a title such as mine ''take a ride on the wild side''? I've done plenty of wild but haven't shared much of it. Today I decided I will. Why? Because it's pouring rain out, because I'm tired and bored with myself and because I need to shut down from recent events and certain people. Because also it's a fond memory...It might get a little explicit though, consider this as a warning...

There's a fair share of bad days in my life, sometimes these bad days turn into weeks and then weeks into months...this is something that happened after a really and I do mean really bad day. I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom crying my eyes out ignoring the world completly. It was just stress, school, family, people asking me what the hell am I planning on doing with my life, people who were young a century ago and have no idea how good they had it...well it was all too much. It still is too much but let's say I found a different coping mechanism. Nothing a drink won't fix. A drink in a shot. Or two. Or three. Moving on...

I learned that ignoring my boyfriend might be a stupid idea that day. He tends to...overeact about some things. So me not anwsering my phone for two hours straight obviously meant I was abducted by aliens and he doesn't have Fox or Scully on his speed dial. His words. Not mine. And if it wasn't the aliens I had to be dead in a ditch somewhere, trust me, at that point I wished it was the latter. He came to check on me, last thing I wanted, explaining why I'm sitting in my bathroom crying when I had no reason for it in the first place. You know that problem though, when someone ask you if you're okay and if you kept it together till that point when those words are out it's like a damn breaks and you just can't keep it together no more. Yeah well that's excatly what happened...

I remember him pulling me in his arms and we stayed in that hug for at least 10 minutes while I counted all my blessings and lucky stars in my head for having someone so caring, loving, selfless in my life. He made me sit on the couch and I just knew what follows...hell. He worries too much, I suppose I know why, he has plenty of reasons to worry when such things happen but let's put it this way I hate being treated like a child, the whole ''sit down and talk to me'' kinda way. Though it started with ''the guys told me...'' instead. They mean well god bless them but telling on people that's so kindergarden. There were things I didn't plan on telling him. Secrets...well not excatly secrets, just things, worries, all the crap that people have been unloading on me. But I did anyways. Why? I don't know excatly...maybe it's those green eyes, I hate seeing any pain or worry in them...maybe it's the fact that I relized that we're in this mess together no matter what...

Or maybe it's the fact that he listens to every word, patiently and always tries his best to help even if he can't. ''Doll, we're going to be okay, these feelings, these dark clouds, they're not going to last forever and if it all goes south then we just pack up and leave it all behind''. I admire his optimism sometimes, I wish I had half of it. I am grateful for it though, for hearing ''you're going to be alright'' instead of a long speach, a lesson, an I told you so. A simple it's going to be okay is all you need sometimes. Then out of nowhere he wipes off my face and grins at me. I know that smile, it usually means trouble. It's perfect but problematic. Hah. So he's on his feet trying to tug me along saying ''come on, we got to go, places to be, stuff to do today''...let's just say that after a moment of me whining about not wanting to move he had enough and picked me up over his shoulder. Didn't even break a sweat. Sometimes I hate that he's so strong. But to be honest despite everything those little carefree moments in a day full of anxiety and stress are worth more then gold. I asked him to put me down a couple of times and what does he do? Chuckles evily and slaps my ass...So I tell him ''that my friend is physical assault'' he only rolled his eyes and carried me to the bedroom. Hm. And tells me to sit on the bed. Alright. This could end totally different but what happened next I did NOT expect. He walkes into my walk in closet and I'm like ''what on earth are you doing in there?''. It took about five minutes before he returned. In my black mini skirt, Nirvana crop top and black shiny high heels. I literally fell off my bed, I laughed so hard. And he puts on a fake frown and goes ''why are you laughing? Just look at me. I look hot. Look at my legs they are fabulous, I'm thinking this is great for my mother's party tonight.''. His.mothers.party.ugh...

I could just die from another fit of giggles when he walked back to the closet holding the wall muttering how the fuck can I walk in those shoes. I only yelled ''you look so hot in them babe'' after him. He came back then in his own clothes, thank god, sat on the bed next to me and we sat there for a while in silence and it was nice, it's such a rare moment for us to be actually alone or just doing nothing or just staying quiet enjoying eachother's company. Then outta nowhere just like before he gets up grabbing my hand, pulling me up and I just knew. I literally knew what follows. He dragged me outside in the cold, pouring rain, we were soaking wet in a matter of seconds. And he dragged me to the middle of the garden smiling like a fool. Have I mentioned how much I love his smile? If not I'm mentioning now, his eyes lit up so perfectly. I really love that damn smile. I get all jello inside when he smiles at me. Not that he smiles often...seems like we both forgot how to do that...

Either way he pulls me close by the waist and goes ''dance with me''. And me being the fool that I am point out that we have no music. You should of seen the look he gave me. Of course, he's a singer, of course we don't need music. And he starts singing ''Bon Jovi's I'll be there for you''. Cute. We danced there in the middle of my garden for about five minutes, soaking wet and it was a perfect moment, despite the cold. I forgot about everything that worries me. Then he stops singing and stands still and just looks at me deep in the eyes and I'm gonna get all sappy but when he looked at me like that and placed his hand on my cheek pushing the wet hair off my face, the world around us just melted away. Literally. I just forgot everything. And he smiles and goes ''I'm so lucky, you know that right?''. It was just...woah. I'm the lucky one. And I love rain with him, and I love being kissed in the rain, and I just love him. Thank you for making me feel better when I'm miserable. I love you so much, words can't even describe how much.

The explicit wild part...No he didn't go to his mother's birthday party in a mini skirt and high heels. Though that would of been fun. I would just love to see her face. We were both dreading the party, him because he knew she can be ''difficult'' and I because well...I am honestly afraid she'll spike my drink with something someday. She didn't. But she might as well...she was already in our hair for coming to the party late. If I never mentioned how terrifying she is I'm telling you now. I didn't want to tease her with any PDA or give her the idea that her son is ignoring his own mother at her own god damn party, so I gave him a quick kiss and walked to the bar. Might as well start drinking early if I want to survive that. Did I point out that my hair was styled, makeup included couple of eyeshadow colors, three different types of foundation and even lipstick? No? Well there you go. Did I mention he was in a suit? Top two shirt buttons open, sleeves rolled up showing all the ink, a jacket hung over his shoulders and Ray bans on his face? It was...oh my god. Safe to say I wasn't completly mellow about that look.

Should I shorten the story a little and just mention how the boyfriend nearly took out a guy three times his size because he was staring down my very open shirt and I decided to get them apart smoothly so instead of actually jumping between them I threw a band of stage and decided to sing a song? With a bottle of tequila in my hand, I'd never done it stone cold sober.

I'm such a clam sometimes I never think, the woman already hated me and I stood on stage wrecking her party? Nice going. Let's say I started thinking when it was too late. So I did the best I could. Huge swig of tequila, called the band back, asked them for a song, that happened to be Pat Benatar's Heartbreaker and sing. It didn't turn out too bad, didn't say it was good but it wasn't a complete disaster either, the boyfriend let go of the guy he was ''choking'' so hey I guess I got the desired effect. I got off stage for a moment there, swapping spit with the man in front of his mother for a second after chorus. What did I say about thinking? I don't think. Specially when tequila is involved. Devil's drink.

I told them ''thank you Nashville good night'' and ran off stage when the song ended to avoid both him and his mother. I knew it would end badly, she'd have something smart to say, he'd feel the need to defend me and the whole thing would get out of hand in a matter of seconds. Not that it helped, while walking through the crowd I bumped right into him, who was grinning telling me that he didn't know I can sing. Neither did I to be honest. He said he loves that there's things he still needs to find out about me and would love to spend the rest of his life figuring them out. Aw. Such a sap. So I told him I have another lesson for him and dragged him outside to the parking lot. It was summer, it was hot, the air was thick with cigarette smoke, party lights and muffled music were pouring out from the slightly open doors but other than that we were alone on a lot full of cars.

I told him there's something I wanted to do all night and started kissing him but you know...the gentleman that he is he told me to stop because I am drunk and he doesn't want to do that drunk on a parking lot. Where's your sense of adventure sometimes I wonder. But the parking lot has cameras, but anyone can walk out of the club at any moment, his mother can walk out any moment. Isn't that what makes things exciting? When I look back to that night I just think of god were we stupid. Seemed like a good idea back then but right now. Not so much.

Long story short and no details because it's not that kinda blog, we were running around the parking lot, chasing eachother like a couple of love sick teenagers, acting silly and drunk on tequila and love. So he caught me, his lips on mine, back pressed against a car. A random car, the lot was full of them, in that heat of the moment none of us really cared what kinda car is it. Thing is...things got really hot really fast, a little too hot. Which you know wouldn't even be such a problem, everyone's done that in a public place at least once no? See the problem is that it wasn't a random car at all but a cop car and the cop just happened to return as we were straightening out our clothes. Bad. Very bad. If you think they have a sense of humor, let me tell you something they don't. And to make matters worse, boyfriend's mother showed up to inform him that they're about to cut the cake and they won't do it without him. Oh god. I don't think I was ever more embarrassed in my entire life then I was back then when the cop explained to my boyfriend's mother what HE thinks was going on outside and his version by the way was far worse then the truth.

Is it weird that I miss moments like that. Not THAT ONE, just like that. When it's just me and him and the world melts away, nobody and nothing matters, we have no worries or fears all we've got is love. That hasn't changed by the way, if anything I love him even more now then I did back then, what did change were our lives. So much stress, so much worrying, so much pointless drama. And for what? For nothing really. We worry and stress over things that don't even matter. How stupid is that? When will we learn to just say ''fuck the world'' and do something crazy again, even if it is making out on the hood of a cop car...

I miss life as it was more then I am willing to admit. But I am grateful that despite everything changing, what we had back then is the same and even stronger today. We were together through hell and back so this storm we're in right now, means nothing. Other people's problems with what we have mean nothing. I love you so much mon cher, forever, that's all that really matters in the end.

Enjoy the weekend guys, I hope it's nicer where you're at. Nothing but pouring rain and flooding here so if you're in the same mess then please, stay safe. And if you're out looking for some fun then be the life of the party.

Another new song. I am screaming. I love them so much.

1984

''I get up, and nothing gets me down. You got it tough. I've seen the toughest all around. And I know, baby, just how you feel. You've got to roll with the punches to get to what's real, oh can't you see me standing here, I've got my back against the record machine, I ain't the worst that you've seen. Oh can't you see what I mean?''

I haven't done ''music monday'' in a while so I might as well. I'll try to focus and write down a couple of words even if Panama is blasting in the back and I have this urge to drop the laptop and sing - scream, play air guitar and headbang along to the song. Hah. Boy am I in a dire need of a good rock show. Green day in June can't come fast enough.

So here's the deal. I love Van Halen and I do mean LOVE. What's there not to love? And though this album is so completly different, more pop sounding? then the rest I love it. If there is such thing as a vinyl that dies because it's over played then this one will someday. Along with all my Crue and Skid and Warrant and Elvis obviously. Hah. I'd need double copies of all my favorites I think.

I love how this album starts with a little instrumental tune that goes into ''Jump'' it fits together so well. We all know Jump right? Our rock radio stations over play the shit out of that song. Like Van Halen don't have other *better* music. I like Jump but it's not my favorite, far from it. It's not a song you'd expect Van Halen to make at all, the suspended chords and that Asia wanna be bass...yeah alright. And don't get me started on that synthesizer riff that starts the song. When you've got Eddie Van Halen why on earth would you use a synthesizer instead of a guitar? Though I think I read somewhere that it was actually Eddie's idea to have that kinda riff in the song. I bet Roth and Templeman were ''over the moon'' over that idea hah. Well it paid off hasn't it? Everyone I know only knows Jump. Hello? Panama? Drop dead legs? Hot for teacher? Eruption? Romeo delight? On fire? Runnin with the devil? Can't stop lovin you? No? Nothing? Alright then...I am just glad that the lyrics and guitars in Jump save it from being a complete mainstream pop disaster thank god.

Could you ever imagine that a synthesizer not a guitar would put Van Halen on top? Yes? No? Is that only crazy to me or what? If I remember correctly that's excatly what happened though, previous five records all went platinum and a festival in 1983 for ''only'' 1,5 million. So they all knew bigger things are yet to come, I think that the whole how big and how different is what surprised everyone.

So how to recover after something like Jump? Panama of course! Of my god I love that song! The guitars! It's a song that goes great along songs such as Aint talkin bout love. And aparently makes me want to headbang and sing along. I do love that song. Anthony's bass? Amazing. And the whole point of it just makes me laugh. Roth said he wrote that song as a response to the critics saying that all he writes about are strippers and cars when in fact he never wrote a song about a car.

Then you've got ''Hot for teacher''. One of the heaviest songs on the album. No doubt one of my favorites too. Picking favorites amongst songs about strippers and sex. I'm going to hell someday aren't I? Hot for teacher is obviously all about sex. Teenage boys and a sexy teacher, we've all been there before haven't we? We had a P.E. teacher once...and he...well...I understood the whole hot for teacher thing first thing I laid my eyes on him, it didn't help that he was a P.E. teacher, in a tank top and shorts...alright enough about that. Hah. The song is great but I think it's the video that brought it all the attention and fuss over it. In case you haven't seen it, it's pretty much just a class room that turns into a strippers runway and a teacher in a bikini fawning over some teens. So safe to say this video pissed off a lot of people one of them being the Parent Music Resource Center which protested its sexually explicit nature, however, such complaints did them no good instead they simply fueled sales, extending 1984’s success as well as becoming one of the most successful and influential videos for a young MTV. Tough luck aye? I'd pay good money to see their faces after that happened.

This album also features songs such as Top Jimmy, Drop dead legs, I'll wait, Girl gone bad and House of pain, which I assure you despite the title there's a lot more pleasure in it then pain. And it has my favorite story tied to it. Y'all know how much Gene Simmons annoys me right? I mean I love Kiss, great band, great music but Gene's mouth is getting on my nerves. What was that his son said once? That Gene is the ''Donald Trump of Rock n' Roll''. True story. Anyway in the early days of the band before they were the Van Halen we know today, they recorded a demo that later became House of pain and sent that demo to Gene Simmons and here's the fun part. His managment said that the band has no chance of ever making it. Which is why this amuses me so much, putting that song as a last song on their most successful album? Brilliant.

But you know nothing lasts forever all good things must end and all that and even if 1984 was so big the band was still falling apart. I don't know if Roth quit or if he was fired or if it was just that they were so different when it comes to personality and musical style and if that is what forced them apart in the end. So Roth went on staying true to hard rock and released an EP called Crazy from the heat and then later a solo album titled Eat em and smile. I think they're both pretty great but sadly he couldn't repeat the success he got with Van Halen. While the band on the other hand moved on with a new singer, new style, bigger audience, more money and obviously a lot more creative freedom. Though of course Deja vu and all that history would repeat itself with Hagar as well but unlike 1984 that was a huge game changer this time the results of conflict weren't quite as good.

Anyway I think this album is amazing, they put rock on a whole new and different level and I think it's great. If you're into hard rock, rock, metal, or just looking for something new pick it up, turn it up loud and enjoy it. And for the love of god please don't ask me again if I recommend vinyl or CD's more. CD's are the spawn of Satan. Please, for the love of everything holy get vinyl instead. You'll thank me when you'll see how amazing music can sound.

Enjoy the music, have a great week and stay safe out there guys.

P.S. Isn't the album cover of this record just perfect? I love it.

Yeah, we're runnin' a little bit hot tonight. I can barely see the road from the heat comin' off of it. Ah, you reach down, between my legs, ease the seat back. She's blinding, I'm flying, right behind the rear-view mirror now. Got the feeling, power steering, pistons popping, ain't no stopping now! Panama, Panama...

''To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong''

''Memories and plans forgone, pave the way for fear to spawn, to find a vein to feast upon. Hoping I become undone, but I'm not afraid. I'm unbreakable, can't defeat me, though I'm bleeding, Unbreakable, though I'm bending, I'll never break.''

Alright I know I promised a different blog today...and I'll post that one too I promise. Something different first, I was distracted. Distracted by fear. You heard me. Fear. I don't even know, is it anxiety, is it actual fear, am I going completly insane? I don't know what is it. I'm probably losing that last bit of sanity I was proud to *still* have.

You're supposed to always do exacty what you're afraid of. That means growth and growth can be painful. Aparently you're supposed to fail in life sometimes because if you don't you're not trying hard enough. I still believe that there is no such thing as failure, just lessons. Every ''failure'' teaches you something, brings you closer to something, or maybe on a different path altogether.

But the problem is that fear can consume you. Fear can hold you back from doing something you want to do, something you have to do. Fear can hold you back from someone...it can hold you back from being the best version of yourself. Fear is actually a prison. My friend used to tell me ''sugar, this is our world, beautiful and horrible things will happen, don't be afraid to live''. I miss him so much so much to be honest. I didn't know fear with him. I wasn't lost before. It's amazing how losing someone most important to you can fuck you up so badly. 2754 days later it still feels raw, it still hurts, it still makes me want to scream and cry and give up everything because life is so unfair. And what I hate most is that he would be so angry at me. Angry because of so many things I said I will do and I never did. It was easier to hide. Easier to never be brave and never follow my dreams. Easier to stop living and just surviving instead.

And the thing is I have so many regrets. I missed out on so much. So many experiences, so much life, so much...of everything. I regret the chances I didn't take and the memories I didn't make. And I learned the hard way that regret is way scarier then taking chances, even big scary ones. Regret is worse...

I took so many wrong turns, made so many bad decisions that I can barely count them. Which is why I decided that enough is enough. Maybe sometimes you have to wait to see where the cards fall, see how things play out. Maybe sometimes a decision you consider as a huge failure or regret and seems like the most catastrophic thing in the world isn't all that after all. Maybe it can end as something extraordinary. I think some of life's wildest journeys and best experiences can actually start by taking a wrong turn. So maybe being lost isn't the worst thing in the world?

Someone once told me ''fear is control of those who are afraid''. It was a different context but same thing. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to let fear control me, or influence my decisions. Thing is I am not okay, I am sad, I am hurt, angry, mad, disappointed and I have every right to be. But you know what? I'll put on a brave fucking face and move on. I am completly lost, the path I thought I was walking on disappeared a long time ago but that's alright. I found a new one, and though I am afraid...absolutelly terified to even step on it, I will. I will tackle life straight on like a head on collision and see what it brings me. I know my family doesn't agree, I know I might be doing another huge mistake, but thing is, I don't want to sit here again in 5 years writing another post about things I regret. No. I want to write a post about things I accomplished, things I've seen, people I've met.

I want to learn how to love myself. How to love my life. How to make the best out of it. I want to enjoy the little things like waking up when the entire world is still asleep, drink hot coffee, listen to the first birds sing and watch the sunrise. I want to be able to go to the train station, buy a ticket to nowhere and just get lost for a few days, experience something new, meet someone on the train that's wearing my favorite band's shirt or reading my favorite book and start a conversation, make a new friend...I've got to stop taking things personally and let them hurt me. I have to STOP letting people's opinions of what's best for me control what is actually best for me. Maybe I don't know either but I sure as hell know better then people who don't know me.

I need to learn how to let go, how not to get upset or hurt over things that won't even matter in 6 months no more. I wanna get lost at an art fair or a music festival, complimenting random people about things they're insecure about. I got to stop worrying about what to tell people, how to make some fake excuses for myself, I don't need to explain myself to anyone. What you see is what you get you either like it or you don't. I got to stop worrying about other people's opinions about me, guess what? They don't matter. They don't know me. People love to talk but they'll never know what they're talking about in the first place. And I got to stop stressing myself about everything and everyone. I just need to stop being afraid of everything and breathe.

Life is supposed to be like art, messy, bold, colorful, different, amazing, influence your emotions...so that's why to everyone doubting me, everyone forcing their opinions down on me, everyone saying what I should be doing in my life instead of asking me what I really want to do, everyone convinced they know what's best for me, everyone who made me so afraid of everything with their doubts and ideas...Hakuna Matata bitches, you only live once and it's about time I actually start living. I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to from now on and I won't listen to anyone anymore. If I want that damn tattoo I'll get it, if I want to go out take a couple of tequila shots and dance the night away I will, if I don't want to accept the job you're offering me because you think I need any job I can get just so I'm working I won't take it, life is too short to be anything but happy. And if the path I chose to follow doesn't feel right for you I won't care. I know it's right, because it's what I want and that's the only thing that matters. You know what I have to say to that? Make mistakes, make as many as you can, get lost, change your college major 5 times if you have to, get a carreer in political science because there's no way you'll get a job, live, laugh, breathe, so one day when you look back you won't be guessing what you want to be, and you won't be lost and most importantly, you won't have any regrets.

Learn how to be...