Artist.

Well I'm burried to my neck in studying, and the only break I took in between was to watch the Ghost asylum. I am not excatly sure why I do that. Despite being a none believer it scares the living hell out of me. And I could rant about the protests in America the other day. How amazing I really think they are. How happy I am seeing all my favorite band boys supporting women in their march and I will trust me on that. I will give you a full report on Friday, as for today, my arm is a little ''broken'' it's a little late and I'm a bit too tired, I want to give that post justice and it wouldn't get it today, so instead let's call today ''artistic monday'' and enjoy some of my work instead...

Here's a little work in progress of my last two pieces...

Drawing in color is still quite a challenge for me *don't I just love those* but I've come a long way till now. It's not perfect of course but there is always room to improve. I do in fact like the way these two turned out...

Tools I used were standard Faber Castell color pencils, Kohinoor graphite pencils from 2B to 6B, Derwent blender and shading tool, Faber Castells pencil eraser, Pilots white gel ink pen, over 20 hours of work for each and various reference photos. Despite being far from perfect I am seeing improvment in my shading and blending colors and I'm damn proud of that.

+ Bonus, a doodle of Iron Man...

Gonna be a long week for me, work, study, work and more studying. Sigh. Take care y'all and make sure to come back on Friday when I actually talk about something that matters for a change.

It's never that bad, take it from someone who's been where you're at.

''I'm tryin' to forget, but it's breakin' me instead. I can't live, without you, without you. I keep reading into this, and the pieces that I miss. I can't be, without you, without you...''

Sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it...sometimes it's your favorite song on the radio, or something I can't tell anyone but you or a situation that I don't know how to handle...and it's when I realize I can't come to you, talk to you, that's when it hurts most. Time is not healing this wound, it just keeps hurting. Maybe less that much is true, but it still hurts.

And then I sit there in the middle of my bed just trying to keep it together and if I'm being honest? It's not helping. I think the problem is it's not just you I'm missing, it's who I was with you as well. It's us. It's the little things that made what we had so special. I miss the way you'd say ''forever'' when I asked you how long we'll be the way we are...how long we're going to be ''us''...I never got my forever obviously...I fucking miss being more confident. I never used to worry about the future, my life, anything really, when I had you I was different. I was ballsy. I believed in myself I knew I can do whatever the hell I want to and if I failed I still had you there with me. I didn't stand in front of two white pieces of paper twenty minutes deciding which one I like best or which one is whiter, I was sure of my decisions, I knew what I was doing.

I miss how I didn't have to make sense or be understood or follow all the bloody rules, you got me, nothing else mattered. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't uneasy, I wasn't nervous, I wasn't lost, I was confident, strong, courageous...I miss that. And all that aside, you know what I miss most? Who I was with you, who you were with me, who we were together...and sometimes there are those long nights when all I can do is replay different things in my mind wondering what would happen if they played out differently, and I miss you so much to a point where I start feeling physical pain. And you know what? It absolutely sucks.

Which brings us to the point of this post. I met a lot of people in my life but none as vile as the woman I had to deal with just recently. I swear she was a complete thundercunt, rude, mean, evil, nasty, disgusting, just all in all a horrible human being. I wouldn't wish anyone the ''pleasure'' to deal with her. And it made me miss you more. In a ''normal'' world I'd run home crying, you'd say ''aw baby, who's ass am I kicking this time?'' and hug me so tight till you literally squeezed the pain out...do you have any idea just how much I miss that? How awful knowing I never get to hug you again is? Damn it that hurts so much...

So now all that I can do is sit here and think of what you'd say to make me feel better. ''Don't worry about it Nikki, some people are just so miserable with their own lame lives that they have to make someone elses life hell as well, just to feel better about themselves''.

And your advice on how to handle such people...

Never take it personally even if it gets personal, it hurts yes but take the power out of their attitude towards you by treating it as their problem not yours.

Don't join the drama club, I know you feel like yelling, probably punching, ripping their ignorant head off but don't. You will only escalate the situation. It doesn't really matter if you're dealing with a drama queen who enjoys the attention or an inconsiderate oaf who's attitude is either intentional because they're idiots or completly unintentional, keep your dignity and pride in check and don't let their rude behavior provoke you into dropping down to their level. They.are.not.worth.it.

Don't let their behavior make you respond with the same behavior. You shouldn't always treat people the way they treat you even if that's what they deserve. The best thing to do in a situation like this is to kill them with kindness, make them feel like an idiot after you treat them so nice and they're being so nasty towards you.

I already know what you'd tell me but it would be so much nicer to hear if from you. I know what you'd say ''don't let the bastards get you down, they're not worth stealing your perfect smile''. What I want exists right? I just need to go out and get it. But what I want most doesn't. Because that's you. It always gets better I know, but right now it seems a little too dark, a little too hopless and a little too painful.

I just miss you so much tonight...

''She's a good girl, crazy 'bout Elvis.''

You didn't think I can start this post without complaining about snow did you? Where the hell is it coming from? The sky. Yes I know that but seriously, enough is enough. I already spent Saturday dealing with too much water where there shouldn't be any and how difficult or better yet impossible it is to get a plumber to fix the issue on a weekend in this country. And the one that could fix the problem will rip you off so bad it's not even worth it. Is integrity completly dead? It's what I always say if you want something done, you have to do it yourself...people are the worst. Not all though, but most.

It's not just that one has to do stuff on their own to have them done right, it's that at the end of the day it's always you. You have to make sure that you are okay. You have to decide when to keep going and when it's time to stand down. Not give up but take a different path because the one you're on right now isn't good for you. You are the one that has to keep holding on and keep pushing through, the world out there is a rough place I know that much but I know you can do whatever the hell you want because look at how far you've come. Give yourself some credit. Even if it's a small thing, like getting through a load of laundry, shit man these new washing machines are difficult. Trust me I know, I've been fighting with our new one more then I'd wish to admit. It's not lame if you pat yourself on the back for choosing a salad over a steak or an apple over cake, good job. It's a small victory and tust me when I tell you this self care is important.

I thought about this this morning when I had a moment, a small victory myself. I came across this quote someone I miss more then anything else on this planet wrote on a red piece of paper for me once...the near thought of it would make my stomach turn and tears fall and today for the first time I could smile and appreciate the beauty of the quote.

“I didn't want to kiss you goodbye, that was the trouble, I wanted to kiss you good night and there's a lot of difference.”

― Ernest Hemingway

Beautiful isn't it? Like the one from A farewell to arms “And you'll always love me won't you? - Yes - And the rain won't make any difference? - No - ”. Amazing writer that one...but I'm here to talk about another amazing writer today...

I've always loved the King. He's the King of rock and roll after all. One of the most celebrated and influential musicians of the 20th century. I even like his cheesy silly movies. Specially on those sleepless nights and long rainy, snowy days...I just recently got a few of his records. A box set with 50 of his biggest hits. It is beyond amazing, complete with a booklet of some of his really beautiful pictures. He was a really beautiful man after all. There's a version of him singing ''Heartbreak hotel'' on youtube that is really making it hard for me to breathe normally.

Anyways the album...I've heard a lot about it, some people saying that this album is just a new way for the market to make money of Elvis, how this is just slightly remixed to achieve a different sound. I've heard people saying this album is only interesting if you're a huge fan and want to have all the unusual releases by Elvis. Honestly though, generally I agree, it does sound a little phony and fixing up old songs to make them sound slightly different for a new release seems rather hypocritical to me. But that aside, I actually really enjoy this album, the songs are fun, the cover art is absolutely beautiful especially the picture in the back, unusual release or not I like it. Wasn't he just amazing though? A poor country boy from Mississippi who took the elements of blues, rockabilly, country, gospel and created something new and exciting, a unique sound that in my opinion will never be outdated. He didn't need the electronic sounds, overdubbing, multi tracking or even some echo you can hear in some parts on this album, maybe that's why this record is so ''hated'', because of the editing. Elvis was an amazing musician he didn't need no shit to make him sound great, just look at his early Sun recordings where there was nothing but his voice and a rhythm to back him up, simple, pure, amazing. Those songs are still ''classics''.

Maybe the whole package that is Elvis; the looks, voice, personality, charisma, the way he moved on stage, the whole presence...maybe that was a god given talent. You know what I find funny? Over twenty years after his death he's still on top of the charts, setting records, and gaining new fans daily. It's amazing. It seems so easy if you look at it today. The RCA records sign this random kid, television gets interested at the same time and boom the rest is history. But it wasn't always like that. I remember reading about the single Heartbreak hotel in some magazine once, when it came out there was no interest in it for about a month, after that it blew up, and his album ''Elvis Presley'' became the first rock n roll album to reach number one in the national charts also the record company's first million dollar earning album.

Now back to the record in question, despite the edit the songs on it are still good, some of my favorite as well. You've got My baby left me, (You're so square) Baby I don't care, Little sister, Don't, Wear my ring around your neck, Paralyzed, Baby let's play house, I was the one, Rip it up, Young and beautiful and Ready Teddy.

I do find it a little strange though that the producers decided to include Little sister since it was originally released as a single in 61' while the other songs on the album are all 50's material. But well their choice. Point is I'd recomend you listen to the 50 greatest hits because all the best stuff is on there even though some songs that were never hits or big times are still great songs.

In that spirit here's a picture of me daydreaming that what the billboard says was real ''Elvis kissed me''.

Now before I log off and get some fresh air there is something not related to music I'd like to share. Or lets say dedicate this last part of this post to someone. He's been complaining that he likes to read my blog but is really annoyed by all the ''feministic crap''. Listen here sugar, a newsflash for you, I am in fact a female so go figure feminism is actually important to me. You saying it's crap proves even more why it's important. But for the sake of my sanity I will not argue, all I'll do is share a quote...

''I think women are foolish to pretend they are equal to men. They are far superior and always have been. Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be prepared to receive a ton of shit.''

- William Golding

Enjoy ;)

Fightin' the good fight til the good Lord calls you home.

This post is hard to write down. Not only because there are hardly the right words but also because it just is. There's a young soldier somewhere in America, his name is Chase Simmons. A man I don't know personally, but someone I came across through a dog's facebook account. Yes. A dog. His name is Chopper, aka Chopper the biker dog and he's a therapy dog. I follwed him for a while, it always amazed me how much a dog can help, either someone going through a lot of pain, or someone that just needs some comfort, what Chopper and his ''human'' do is beyond amazing. Either way, the story about the soldier really hit home from day one. He was in a coma fighting for his life since November 2015, after a really bad car accident. I followed the story almost everyday, hoping, wishing that he will get better. And things were looking good for a long while. It looked like he's going to wake up. And even if I never met him, I was excited, hopeful, happy for him and his family. However as I type this, things have turned for the worst, Chase has been admited into the care of hospice and my heart feels very heavy. I had never hoped and wanted quite as hard for someone to get better as I did for him. From my understanding he was an incredible young man and being taken away so soon, doesn't seem right or fair to me at all. We can still hope for a miracle though, Jon Bon Jovi once said that if you change your perception of a miracle, you will see them all around you. And if this really ends with the worst scenario, it's awful and it hurts but in a way he's going to a better place. He's no longer bound to a weak body. He's free. He fought so hard and should be an inspiration to us all. Whichever way this turns it's been a privilege to know about you Chase. My thoughts are with you and your family. This song goes out to you...

Winter

I could sit here and complain about whatever it is that's worth complaining about today. The fact that Europe has been freezing cold for a while now and on top of it all now there's snow too. Have I mentioned I hate snow and winter with a burning passion? I have haven't I? I could complain about school, I have so little that still has to be done and I am terrified of messing it up. Which makes no sense at all because if I made it this far with ''flying colors'' why would I mess it up now? Or I could go on and on about Tom Hardy, jesus that man is perfect. Not just face and body kinda perfect but have you seen his love for dogs? I could just melt on the spot. Adorable. BUT! I won't do any of it, instead all I'll do today is post a couple of pictures I took today. There are very few things I love as much as I love my ''photo breaks''. I wish I had more time but since that's impossible I cherish what I get...

That's it for today. It's been a long and confusing weekend and quite honestly I just want to get some sleep. Stay safe, I'll see you on friday, let's hope I'll have more to say then.

What makes a person smart?

I did something pretty dumb today. Nothing major, just a stupid little mistake and I've been asked ''do you really consider yourself smart?''. Well yes, in fact I do. What makes someone smart? The fact that they can memorize a million facts? High IQ? An exceptional talent to think logically? Is it wisdom that helps you make good decisions in important moments? Or maybe knowing how to make the best out of a really bad situation. Or a combination of all?

I can't say I'm real good at any of those. I can memorize a lot, my IQ is believed to be quite high but was never tested, I suck at logic, good decisions in crucial moments? Please I can't make decisions even without the added pressure and don't even get me started on even knowing how to handle bad situations much less turning them into something good. But you know what? I'll tell you what I do have that I believe makes me smart...

I don't rely on anyone. There's nothing wrong with having friends, family, anyone really that you can trust and rely on when things go wrong and life gets hard. But relying on someone heavily or constantly will make you seem powerless. You've got your own intelligence, you've got your own mind, your own set of skills and views and opinions and you should put those to good use, if not you'll only come across as an incompetent fool. Sometimes the problems aren't even that difficult to solve it's our own ''what if'' insecurity that keeps us from acting. The fears don't control us, we control the fears. Unless it's spiders, those monsters are scary.

I don't let my god damn past control me. Yes shit happened and it hurts and it sucks and it feels like it will never get better but it also cannot be erased, what happened happened and the only thing I can do about it is cope and move on and not let it ruin my future. I believe no matter how ugly one's past may be, it shapes you up to who you are in the future. You may be strong and wise or you can let it destroy you. Your choice. You could use your past to gain understanding from people, you could use it to get sympathy, you could say that everything that's wrong with you is because of something that happened in the past. That's the easy way out and I don't want that.

I don't lie to myself. ''Oh it's going to be okay'' ''things will be better'' ''life will get easier''. Well none of that will happen unless I get off my ass and do something about it. From nothing comes nothing and if you want something you need to be prepared to work for it, and if you fall down you need to get up and come back twice as vicious. I believe good things happen not only to those who wait but to those who work for them. I know what I want, I'm ready to fight for it and I am not considering failure as an option.

I never put all my hopes and dreams into one thing. I may have a dream a wish if you will of how my perfect job and life would look like...but I am not delusional, I've got an alternative, a backup plan, something to fall onto if everything else fails. Taking huge risks and gambling pretty much with your life seems completly insane to me. That of course doesn't mean that I'm ready to give up when things don't go smoothly from the get go, this just means that after everything fails I don't go with my head through the wall. If it's not meant to be then it's not, it's okay, you pick yourself up and start over.

I don't let other people's opinions stop me. I don't care what people think of my art, I'll still do it my way because it's mine. I don't care what people think about the way I live my life. I'm happy *most of the time* and that's the only thing that matters. I couldn't care less about how people feel about my opinions, political, life, love, anything really. They are mine, I see the world as I do and nothing can change that. Even when my neighbors say I live in La La Land. And I especially don't care about how people feel about things, people, art, music, movies I love, these are the things that make me happy, calm, collected, safe, relaxed and I sure as hell don't plan on apologizing or explaining myself to anyone for it.

Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths.”. I don't think that as a human being you're ever ''complete''. Okay maybe finding someone that makes you feel complete is something worth mentioning but that's not what I meant. I meant as far as learning goes. We are never trully ''full'' our brains are not like hard drives, you can't come to a certain point and say ''oops memory full''. There's always room to learn, grow, change...just look at science and medicine and history, there are new discoveries daily. There's so much left to uncover and learn about on this planet and honestly, I think that's pretty extraordinary.

I tend to *or try to most of the time* think before I open my mouth. Sometimes things slip out when my mouth is faster then my brain, but mostly I control myself. Words can hurt more then fists and I know that better then anyone which is why I'm careful when using them. At the end of the day actions speak louder then words and being humble, modest and hardworking are better qualities then chatty Kathy with a big mouth that can't put the money where her mouth is.

I don't let people undermine me, when I know an idea is good, I stick with it, I don't care if people don't appreciate it, sooner or later someone will come along that will. Honestly if I don't believe in myself then who will? And I know how to learn from my mistakes. Sometimes I still repeat them and it's making me feel like my life is God's personal comedy show and he's hitting rewind just to laugh one more time but mostly mistakes are unavoidable you're bound to make some at some point in your life. Having everything under control 24/7 is impossible and you shouldn't go too hard on yourself when things start to fall apart. Mistakes simply remind us that nobody is perfect and it's perfectly okay to make them. It's what you do after that shows who you are, do you get up, fix the mess and learn from what you did or do you hide out and look for an excuse?

I don't rely on luck to solve my problems. There is no such thing as luck. Life is a battlefield and we decide our own fate, our own ''luck''. You don't get lucky to a point where your problems just magically solve on their own. Luck can be a tiny piece or a fragment of one's success, the rest is ambition, and dedication, and hard work and the fact that you put your heart into something and want to do it.

I don't act irresponsible. I keep hearing ''oh but you're boring'' ''you're uptight'' ''people like you, the ''smart'' ones never have any fun''. Wrong. I know how to have fun, I know how to party, I can have a drink or a few drinks, and I do, I go out, drink a beer or two, I'm far from boring but the difference between us is that I am responsible, I know what I'm doing and I know where the limits are. When I say ''I'm too old for this shit'' I mean it, not as in I'm old but as in I am too old to act recklessly, to ignore my obligations, to ignore my responsibilities.

It doesn't matter how many languages I speak, or how high my grades are, we are all capable of learning, it's other things that make us ''smart''. It's life, it's experiences. All that aside I still do dumb things, I still argue with people I shouldn't argue with, I should know better, I should know they will only drag me down on their level and that's not a place I want to be. I still make rookie mistakes, I still put my socks on missmatched. I do dumb shit but that doesn't mean I'm incompetent or stupid or an idiot. That only means I'm human and bound to make mistakes.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a jar of Nutella with a spoon on my counter and a sickening sweet romantic movie on tv, don't judge me, it's freezing outside, I'm feeling anything but great and sometimes I just need to watch a cute love story, all the violence is starting to make me sick.

Enjoy your weekend, stay safe out there!

Resolutions?

I don't do new years resolutions. Why? They're pointless. They are just things you kinda sorta want to stop doing but we all know you don't have the will power to actually follow through. They are all about what you THINK you SHOULD do. More time spent with the family, more time for your friends, start running, take on a sport, eat healthy, spend less time in front of the tv, stop smoking... And sure these all sound great if you look at them but take a deep breath and think about it, is this something you think you should do or is this something you want to do. It may seem the same but once you think about it it's not the same thing at all. Do you really want to spend more time with your family or is that something people expect from you. Do you really think you need to lose weight, get a summer body or is that something every single god damn magazine like Cosmopolitan is shoving down your throat. Do you really want to play a sport? Like honestly want to do it? Or is that something you think you should do, to ''live healthy''. I'm not arguing sure it helps with a better and healthier life but do you want to do it? See resolutions are like goals. And while it's perfectly fine to have life goals and plans and relationship, friendship, career, family goals, these resolution type goals are pointless. Why? They make us look in the future ''by the end of 2017 I'll...'' whatever it is that you set your mind to but you forget to appreciate what you've got now. Goals make you feel incomplete, uncapable of enjoying what you have because you're always looking out to the future, always desiring that what you don't have. Well jesus christ, stop, take a breath, look around you and appreciate what you do have. The very nature of goals and having them is ruining your self confidence and self esteem. Show me a person that reaches a goal and is happy. Just one. I haven't had the pleasure to meet them yet. Thing is once you reach a goal what is next? Got to have another one, and then another, and then another, and then another. Where does it stop? Where do you stop and enjoy life where you are? When do you realize it's the experience that matters not the end result? So I read most of these commitments don't make it pass first two months of the year. And do you know why? Remember when I wrote about passion? How people lack passion in everyday life. This is the same. If your heart is not in the matter, if you don't do it with passion, if it doesn't mean anything to you, you're not going to stick with it in the first place. I mean okay you've got the motivation which is just enough to get you started but it's not going to last long, much less an entire year. And god the timing of it all! You've got December which is all full of cheer and euphoria, mostly fake but still, then suddenly it's January, you're thrown back into the harsh reality, it's cold, it's dark, it's wet, summer and sunny days are half a year away. Who gets motivated and inspired by that is my own personal hero, not going to lie. The year is so long though, you have 365 days to make it extraordinary to make wrong and right choices so why force desitions or changes on yourself just because it's the new year? Better make them as you go and put your whole heart into it.

And while I'm on a rant, can I just say how happy I am that 2016 is finally over? I can't say it was the worst. There were worse years then last one, but it definitely makes the list. And while we all know I'm not the most optimistic person on this planet...I still hope that 2017 treats us all a little better. And since 2016 just couldn't stop there had to be one final blow right? On the morning of the last day of the year I read that Austin Carlile has left the band Of mice and men. Now don't get me wrong I support his desition 110% but that doesn't mean it hurts any less. I am amazed with him, how strong he is, how hard touring actually was for him but he pushed through it with a smile on his face. I am beyond grateful I got to see them live, and really devastated that his health is stopping him from doing what he loves most. Life really is unfair. This doesn't change anything, band or no band, he's still someone I look up to and admire, I can only wish I'd have his strength and character someday. As for the rest of the band...I wish them all the best, I don't think I'll be able to go see them on a show now, to me Austin was the heart and soul of that band, they're all insanely talented musicians but I don't know, I guess something's missing. Like Avenged Sevenfold, after Jimmy died, the music is still amazing but the feeling was never the same again. You know what I mean right? I guess I'm glad he told us still in 2016, I would of hate to start my 2017 with such bad news.

And speaking of bad news...2017 just had to start bloody didn't it? How many more innocent lives have to be lost before we realize that all the violence is completly pointless? Before we learn to live in peace? Why are we doing this? What message are we sending out? What purpose do we have? Why are we spreading hate when we could be spreading love? I'm a dreamer. Yes. I know. But if more people were like me, would life really be that bad? Here's a new years ''resolution'' for you. Try to be better, kinder, nicer, do better, help people, help animals, smile at a stranger, donate your time or money. Do something to contribute to a better life for all of us. If everyone did it, this world would be a lot better place to live in.

And to the victims and their families, of the latest event in Turkey, though I should actually say all of them, Turkey had too many of these events in the past year. I am so sorry. This shouldn't be happening and you all deserve better then being killed in an act of violence by a mad man. I hope someday we can stop this, I hope your deaths are not in vain and I sure as hell hope that someday peace and love will win.

Happy new year guys once again, let it be cheerful, happy, safe, productive, may you all find whatever it is that you're looking for and grow and learn, make mistakes, make wrong choices, make right choices, as long as you're happy with what you're doing, that's all that really matters.