I wouldn't have it any other way.

First things first did y'all see Adam Lambert on Capital's Summertime Ball? Oh.My.Gods. You guys! That makeup! I honestly wanted to toss my laptop aside and go draw him ASAP. It's insane and I absolutely will go draw him right after this. I'd draw the same makeup on myself but believe me, my family does not appreciate creativity or independence. Oh my god what will the people say? Jesus fuck the people who cares. Also Adam changing Chers ''Believe'' into ''Do you know the muffin man?'' it's kinda totally hysterical and I'm so here for it. I only saw him with Queen, but he seems like a great preformer on his own, even if I'm not all into his solo stuff. Allergic to pop music and all that. Second thing is that while I'm here rubbing my hair with a towel because it never stops fucking raining and filling out my book wishlist (I am telling you guys book reading and book buying are two separate things) let me just say how desperatelly I'd need a glass of Chardonnay (or make that a bottle od Hamptons Water, got a taste to it now) to finish up this lengthy post that follows. 

Alright I'm really here for a record review for a change. Y'all know I love everything Bruce puts out right? Like there aint his music that I wouldn't like, but what does it say about me, if I say that I absolutely adore this album, and songs aren't even his? I mean...gods. Everything he does is perfect, but guys this is so flawless. It's just...oh my god. Like...I can't. I can't put it into words, from the first second you put that record on...and it starts with him just talking which softly trasits into a song...my god. What the hell is going on with this man? How can each album he puts out top the one before? I tell you what, if you were to look up the definition of music? This is it. He is it. This album is IT. Look no further, it's perfection on a freaking ginger vinyl. 

Alright lets start with this, if you don't like this album we can not be friends. Literally that's it. Game over. Because that's the negativity I don't need in my life. I need friends that understand and appreciate perfection. Second thing not me turning this up, while washing the car outside in my bikinis and howling along (mostly to the dog, nobody else will listen). Yes summer is back in the Balkans and it seems like we're all either melting or drowning. Second is more like it though because in between smothering heat there's  so much rain (or frozen rain) you'd not believe. 

This album is a cover album I already mentioned above, and it's a volume 1. apparently a part two follows. Oh! So exciting! Also side note but the original songs we all know I hope? I mean...nothing but mad respect to the original musicians, writers, singers, etc, but y'all know this is better right? First song I heard was ''Nightshift'' and I knew this is going to be huge. These are soul songs but somehow Boss manages to put even more ''soul'' into them. A whole new meaning, life, vibe...every single smallest detail, in the band, in the music (that guitar in ''When she was my girl''? Lord have mercy I need to fan myself, it's so perfect), and the voice? The voice! Orgasm material. The crooning, the growls, the bluesy sound. The fact that you hear rain in ''I wish it would rain''? Jesus take the wheel I can't take it. 

Here's the deal there's only two ways Boss does things, first it's hours upon hours in the studio, perfectionism and endless nights, doing things over and over till they are perfect (don't I understand that). Or he gets a sudden flash of creativity and basically does an entire album in a week, without going back and doing anything again, like he did ''Letters to you''. Then you got this one ''Only the strong survive''. He created this album in the early days of the lockdown (who said lockdown was useless? I did many times I know but still.), when he had too much time on his hands and went to do covers of his favourite songs. Let me point out that my man has flawless music taste, not that I'd expect anything else. 

I know what y'all are thinking though, that Springsteen just pulled a Rod Stewart with this album but it aint that way. Boss doesn't just do a static cover, he takes a song and makes it his own, stadium song, he shows us how the song makes him feel not just telling us he likes a song by making a cover of it. Also there's been covers on his concerts forever. I remember he did a cover of ''Shout'' on my first concert of his (OH MY GODS! Concert nr. 3 fast approaching and I don't know what to do with myself, about jumping out of my skin from excitement here, lol). 

Maybe what's surprising the most, the begining ''Only the strong survive'', modified a little (I love that little chuckle in between), but else just note per note the same, a wonderful tribute to Jerry Butler. But also the selection of songs on it's own, ever thought about that? Probably you have, but let me tell you how I feel about it regardless, aside from having multiple orgasms while listening of course. Lol. You got some serious classics on here like ''Turn back the hands of time'' but you also have something more ''modern'' like ''Soul days'' which is funny I was just raving about Dobie Gray or better Joe Elliott singing few lines, or better the title of the blog below is Gray's song. Imagine Boss covers that song, my mind might actually explode, or should I say implode? A little submarine joke for y'all. Then there's also 80's gems like ''Nightshift'' and ''When she was my girl'' (fun fact I actually love the Four Tops). And honestly it's not even surprising Boss is drawn to these songs is it? We both love that minor to major uplift, the soft build up, the gospel, the blues, the soul, the hope and the dreams you hear in the songs. God. And songs about lost love, and summer nights, and backroads and tragedy. I get that. I know that. I relate to that. I love that. 

To be honest even if he'd wanna modify the songs to make them his own, what would he even have to do? These songs are him in the end. This is him. Should we also point out how the music sounds like there's a 20 piece orchestra behind him, the entire freaking E Street band at least, but really it's just one man? Mr. Ron Aniello. WHAT?! How?! This is...woah. Mind blown up like that one emoji. You know which one. I mean okay, he's been a collaborator for ''Wrecking ball'' and ''High hopes'' both amazing albums, and it seems to me that with him there's this...how to put it, style? Perhaps that's the word. Style of music, or rather sound, that they've been exploring together. Maybe Ron was a push out of the comfort zone to do more exploring with his sound. A bloody brilliant push out of the comfort zone too.

I heard someone say that this is a very feelgood album about feeling bad. Fair point. Vulnereability is a common streak in this album, but it's presented in a more positive way, instead of everything being doom and gloom. If I understood it right though Rob and Bruce started recording this album and they named themselves the ''Night Shift'', probably working into late nights and that naturally progressed into the song ''Nightshift'' which is and will remain my fave on this album. Though, honestly, picking a favourite is so hard because all songs are fantastic. 

It's been some memory lane type thing if you look at it that way, wasn't it? Like the last couple of years, there's been old classics on tour, which he always shakes up a bit so not many concerts are totally identical. Picture me jealous over how he played ''The River'' the other day but he surely won't on my date. It's going to be GN'R all over again you guys. Then you got his entire life story in a book, which btw audio book in this case is a hell of a lot better, purely because he's reading it ddd. Then this hit Broadway, anothe thing to paint me jealous over. Can y'all imagine the Boss on Broadway? I'd sell my entire family for that. Not that anyone'd wanna buy them. Any of y'all went to see him btw? I'd not be against a full report. There were songs about old friends, songs about lost friends and of course ''Letter to you'' for which they used some old seventies material to make happen. 

Given that this album in many ways is nostalgic to Boss, revisitng his favourites, songs that mean something to him. It's kinda like...the album starts with the words ''I remember''...and it's a Seventies style album tbh, now think in the Seventies Bruce would of been that fiften yearold kid that just started playing, that just got his first electric guitar and started exploring his sound and place in the world. And now add that line he once said to that ''if you played in a bar on the central New Jersey shore in the sixties and seventies, you played soul music'' that's what this is. Soul. But then again if you think about it Bruce has always been a soul musician, he just never let that voice through, except on specially reserved projects, but here that's a different story. I just love how his phrasing draws out that quiet nostalgia of Dobie Gray (Bruce if you ever sing Drift away, I will die at your feet, just sayin). And the falsetto in the Temptations song, I love it, it's not only him celebrating his own favourites but a celebration of soul music in general.

Like, are y'all aware just how difficult creating cover albums is? There's a thin line between making the album sound like a complete copy, or too far fetched from the original sound and song. You need that right balance to make it perfect, and catching that balance sure isn't easy. At least it wouldn't be easy for me. I look at it from my artistic point of view. I constantly worry about originality of my work. Like the world is so full of music and arts and poetry and everything, it's so hard to be completely original. You're constantly inspired by something and it's bound to bleed into your work. But where is that line where something is inspired and something is copied? That's the tough part. With music it's even more difficult, I think it's safe to say people always prefer the original over the cover. I could probably list about 5 songs that I prefer covers of but that's about it, not me recently discovering a cover of ''Girl got rhythm'' by AC DC that is absolutely one hundred percent better than the original. Lol. Anyone got any good Scorpions covers? It's a recent thing that I despise them but also still love their songs and would rather not listen to them them? Does that make sense at all? 

Anyways back to the point, I don't even think this album was set out to be a cover album, I think it was made as a resurrection, as a way to celebrate old classics that we somehow forgotten or just don't hear much of, but to be fair these are some of the strongest vocalists and songwriters of all time and the songs, covers if you will, or better tributes, they're heartfelt, they're not just static songs, you can tell, and you can feel he loves these songs. You know these are his songs. And what an amazing way to bring a new light to these songs, to make sure they survive, to make sure new generations hear them. 

There's a moment in a song, I don't know if you're paying that close attention but on the ''Don't play that song'' by Aretha and Ben E. King, Boss goes off the charted teritory. He adds ''I remember those summer nights down by the shore, as the band played, with you in my arms, and we moved across that floor''. I mean these are such SUCH Bruce lines, and such a Bruce thing to do, adding up, making things a bit different than the original, saw him do it live twice, and if you think about it just how freaking genius and perfect he is, he is adding a piece of himself, a piece of who he is, essentially a piece of his own soul into something that's already considered living history. I love that. A couple of the greatest, entertwined in history forever. 

Now a couple of words on the album design. Firstly I love the clean black look. Absolute perfection. The man looks sexy as hell, the hand porn? Yeah I die. Did y'all notice the reoccuring car theme? Chapter and Verse, Western stars (back cover and my favourite photo of him, obvious reasons) and now this one? Let me point out that the man and I have absolutely matching car taste. I LOVE all of his cars, well him as well so it kinda fits. Did you notice how many details are put into his records? The inner sleeves, the whole gatefold, the gatefold actually has a car printed on the inside, the entire car theme bleeding on all components? I abolutely adore it. The picture inside the gatefold? Lord have mercy. I love how they added a poster that's a fun detail and I actually have another one from Born to run but that's that. It's funny in a way I'd love a Bruce poster probably framed on my wall, but it's not like I'd ever take it out of the vinyl. And I LOVE the neon orange and the etching of a speed meter. How freaking clever is that. Do you know any other artists with etched vinyl? Let me know, I'd love to hear it. Also the sound quality on this vinyl? It's actually fantastic, dynamic, rich, you can hear each instrument and you can hear his voice perfectly, a completely different experience than digital. 

Guys! Oh my god! The next post might actually already be the concert review given by how much I actually write lately. I am SO excited you have no idea! It's been far too long from the River tour which was my favourite tour to date. Another local concert tomorrow, we all know how much I love those right? Nothing like drunk kids and being spilled on and walked on. Fun times. But ya know, free tickets that come with a free drink coupon? This girl has her priorities sorted and knows you do NOT turn that down. Now if y'all excuse me I have about 13 drawings to finish up, poor time managing skills and simply putting things off each time there's a little sunshine outside (can ya blame me though?) led to that. Here's to early weekends! Enjoy guys. 

I wanna get lost in your Rock 'n' Roll and drift away.

Lets see if I can type up this post while superglueing my nail. Don't ask, bitch broke literally in the middle, and I don't even want to think about the pain if it breaks off completely. Brrrr. I don't really know when I crossed the line of concerts being fun and more of a chore but it happened. While I spent looking forward to Mondays concert for years (yes literally years because COVID), now it felt like going will be like just another errand (I was totally wrong though because it ended up being really amazing). I suspect it's the people, people ruin all good things. In theory. And don't even get me even started, I feel disgusted with myself and mostly ungrateful. I know how many people want this and never get the chance. Maybe the recent Crue drama adds up to it too. Maybe just the fact that I am so emotionally tired that there's hardly words. I avoid all local concerts and events like the plague because five minutes in human company is about 4:50 minutes too long. Sigh. But I would be unfair if all I did was complain. Met a group of people (imagine that from my own country, that saying that we are everywhere is completely true) which were actually really nice. Surprise surprise.

I've been to Budapest before, it's a charming city, the parliament and Fishermans Bastion alone are worth a visit, but this was my first concert in Hungary. I suppose the fact that I love Italy most adds to that. But it was a new experience especially when despite them being in Europe they don't use Euros (smart people actually) and figuring out their insane currency when they hand you a 10 000 bill…yeah that's an experience. And the language you guys! If you think Scandinavia is exotic…you aint ever heard Hungarian yet…not one, not one single word makes sense. You'll break your tongue just trying to repeat after them.

Y'all wanna hear a little secret? Ya know when I used to say I don't give a rats ass about no big white wedding? I mean in theory I don't. But maybe getting married up on Fishermans Bastion wouldn't be so bad…the wedding pictures (full on gothic weddding OF COURSE!) would look absolutely stunning. Even more so if the husband standing next to me was Tom Cruise BUT lets not go there right now. (But you guys know we just make sense right? Hah)

Now lets leave that and focus on the concert. First the venue. It's called the ''MVM Dome'' and you guys! It's absolutely gorgeous, edgy modern design which glows in the colors of the Hungarian flag at night. It is a completely brand new venue that only opened in December 2021, and it was actually originally build for the European men's handball championship. It's a multifunctional arena so it's also absolutely perfect for concerts which is what I find sometimes when building arenas falls to the side. They create sports arenas with poor sound and concerts never sound right in them. This one aint that way. Only eight concerts were held in the venue up till now, mine being the eight. And guys! The venue still smells new, it's shiny, it's beautiful, the seats are not hard plastic but cushioned, the design of it, the lights, the sound, the freaking bathrooms! Everything is perfect. To my fellow concert goers you will understand how much a clean bathroom in a concert venue is worth. Lol. And even more how much it's worth to have basically a ton of bathrooms on each floor of the venue, which means no hour long waiting lines to actually go.

Few more ''fun facts'', the venue has the capacity of about 20 000 people which makes it one of the biggest venues in Europe and also about the same size as the O2 arena in London. How about that? It was also my first time in a venue this big, usually they're smaller or it's a much bigger venue, meaning a stadium.

Another fun fact which might be useful to all y'all going to Hungary or specifically this venue. First of Hungarians like to complicate some things. The gates, rows, seats, entrances etc all very well marked and numbered so that's no issue. But they only have print at home tickets which we all hate obviously (I need the nice tickets to hold as memory forever not a stupid A4 paper sheet come on!) and they are not in English so everything on the ticket is Hungarian, exibit A;

 

I assume y'all understand about as much as I do huh? Lol. Second useful tip, so while Hungarians are in European union they do accept Euros but they don't really update the trading list so you might end up paying far more for things than you would in Forinti, plus it's less of a hassle and you don't have to worry about amounts spend given that most places (like the Burger king down the block) only take up to 20 Euros. Second thing inside the MVM Dome. Don't take money only a credit card. They do not allow you to pay drinks with anything but a credit card, which was a bit of a surprise, I usually never take a credit card with, don't really wanna lose it but of course by another lucky coincident I had the card on me. Drinks? Ridiculously cheap! Seriously not kidding. I paid 10 Euros for alc free beer, ice tea and water and count in 3 eur since you have to pay 1 eur as downpayment for a cup. I mean what! Water alone on Ernst Happel Stadium in Vienna is 7 eur. I was pleasantly suprised about that. Right also a dumb thing, they don't give you money back for a cup but a token which you can use next time you come. I mean I'm not saying there won't be a next time, but it's ridiculous returning from a concert with pockets full of tokens like you just came from a god  damn casino. But seriously though how gorgeous is this venue really?

Now let me tell you about this insane luck I had. I bought these tickets very early when they went on sale, I think it was like late October or early November of last year and I was broke due to spending SO much on the Boss, I had to settle for higher category seating because tix were cheaper up there, which is fine you go to listen with your ears not eyes after all. Right, she says, while screaming bloody murder ''Joe I love you''. Ha ha. Either way nothing sounds cheap in Hungarian because their Forint has such low value. Price is up on the ticket but I believe they were about 33,900. That DOES not sound cheap at all lol. But really it's about 90 Euros. Which for a seating area way up high is very expensive, but then again if you go see such two legends, the price is not that high after all. NOW! I was inside the venue very early, literally right after the doors opened at 6, because really there aint nothing to do around this venue, no shopping mall, just 2 fast food joints to pass the time…and secondly I really wanted to see the support band.

Now because I was so early, I was walking around enjoying watching the fans, you guys we're talking long haired makeup wearing metalheads! So sexy. Would you also believe I bumped into two of our own musicians it was all ''oh my god hi can't believe you're here'' cue in people with me being all like ''what the hell! You guys are friends???'' it was hilarious, really, and I keep getting sidetracked. The lucky thing! The venue was not sold out at all, tickets were very expensive and they put seating area down on the ground which is absurd on a metal show. Anyways during walking around I chat with several volunteers, compliment one's outfit and she tells me that she can upgrade my ticket completely free because the venue is not sold out and they were moving people from higher seating area to lower seating area. WHAT! You guys because I came early (so kinky) I had my 90 Euro (34 000 forinti) ticket upgraded to a 190 Euro (71 200 forinti) ticket and was right down by the stage. And to think I was debating if I should go at all after that Crue drama. As if my Joey alone wasn't worth it.

You guys. YOU GUYS! ASDFGHJKL! The stage was so close I'm still shrieking. That feeling of being so close to someone you love and idolise? Ah! Now the opening band. Abahazi. RT. Hungarians. They sing in Hungarian. Heavy sound, hard rock, amazing voice but he might as well be singing about Justine Beaver and I'd not know. Ha ha. But seriously I absolutely loved them, they were fun and also it's so great to see when local bands get a shot to play with the big dogs. And to be completely honest, don't you think more bands should rock out in their own language? It's not a barrier of any sort, if it's good it's good, no matter what language it's in and maybe we can all pick up a couple of words listening to them. Yeah lets pretend that will happen. Hungarian is just….special. But seriously if you ever feel like trying out something completely different, give them a listen, they're really cool.

Now…in theory the boys share the headlining spot which means one night it's Def Leppard first and Motley Crue second and some nights the other way around. In Budapest it was Leppard first and might as well because we all know who I happen to prefer out of the two. Yep, I still get Hysteria when Joe Elliott is near. But listen aside from screaming Joe I love you I didn't throw any underwear at him though I totally could because I was really close to the stage. Both bands tour EU pretty rarely tbh especially Crue that were on a farewell tour some time back, hah.

So this time before the concert starts with the two headliners Def Leppard have a countdown, 15 minutes. Kinda practical if you think about it no? Got time for that last bathroom break or one more drink. As the last seconds tick away numbers go from green to red  and flash a huge ''take off'' sign. They were playing David Bowies Heroes just before the countdown stopped and venue went dark. All my hairs stood up tbh it was amazing. Joey was like ''do you wanna get rocked?'' please do not even doubt where did my filthy mind go at that point…they actually opened with ''Take what you want''. And it seems like the venue was a tiny bit mellow at that point. It kinda showed that most people in there actually came to see the Crue. Like oh my god you guys I freaked the fuck out when Joe was walking up and down that cat walk with his no longer blond but now silver hair. It looks amazing on him, and the jokes and smiles and hair flipping is all prince Charming and I'm hyperventilating. I kinda love him okay.

My voice was kinda gone the next morning from all the Hysteria tbh but whatcha gonna do? Show the band on stage some love right? Scream and sing along as loud as you can, that's what's it all about aint it. They played all the best songs; Let's get rocked, Animal, Foolin', Armageddon it, Kick (which is from the new album) Love bites (oh my god I am begging you bite me please for the love of everything holy and pure on this planet), Promises, This guitar and When love and hate collide which were both semi acoustic, and the second one was an amazing version started off acoustic and ended up fully electric. Amazing. There was also; Rocket, Bringing on the heartbreak, Hysteria, Pour some sugar on me (you can only guess what happened at that point or how my shrieking seemed to amuse all the boys around me lol), Rock of ages and they closed with Photograph. I loved all the pictures that were displayed on the big screens at that point. Baby Joe Elliott and Steve Clark? Uh fuck yes. I mean all of them of course but yeah. Priorities.

One thing that never changes that I just ADORE is all the love for Rick Allen, the guys and the crowd, cheering him on and giving him praise. YES! I mean fuck yes. Always welcome and he absolutely deserves all of it. That drum solo in between? I'd not be able to do that with 4 hands nevermind one. And another never changing thing that I love is Phil, half naked strutting up and down the cat walk, with scarves hanging from his guitar belt, worn out biker boots and attitude that makes a girl feel hot under her collar. My god that man is just confidence and sex and just gah! But honey aint like Sav and Vivian are far behind him tbh. Actually, this entire band is just oh my god okay.

The whole show with the music, the voice the lasers the sound, everything down to the last note and the last tiny detail everything is absolutely perfect. There's not a thing misplaced and it really shows that they're complete professionals. My only complaint might be that the show didn't stray much from the one in 2019, it was pretty much the same down to the set list. I mean it's no issue for me I'm just super happy to see them again, but I would have loved some songs I haven't heard live from them, like maybe Man enough or Make love like a man, which is one of my faves of course. Oh OH! You guys in between there Joe asked Rick to give him the beat for the next song and you know how he did that? Singing ''Give me the beat boy and free my soul I wanna get lost in your Rock n' roll and drift away...''. I shrieked a little bit because yeah I really love that song.

Here's some pics for y'all they are what they are, whatever the hell my iPhone thought it's the best lol. Also completely unedited because well idk I don't have the will power or patience or just desire to deal with them lately. But also I do believe that some things shouldn't be edited, some pictures should be like Rock n roll, not perfect, raw, like whiskey, burns a little when it goes down. Check out that last one I know it's not super sharp but there was a moment between Rick and I just sayin.

Alright so after Leppard you got the Crue. Obvs. I had to look back to my ticket when was the final tour. Hah. My concept of time is so warped you guys. It was in November 2015 in Milan, the Mediolanum forum, also such a great venue. You know what Nikki said at that concert? Like he had that whole speech on his love of knives and where it comes from and so on, but he also said ''You know someday somebody's gonna look at you and they're gonna say ''you know what Motley Crue is pretty cool'' and you're gonna say ''well fuck you cuz I was at their last fucking concert in Milano Italy'' ''. How's that turning out for us Nikki? Hah. They build up the anticipation with Mozarts ''Requiem in D minor K.626'' it feels etheral like you're in a church or something and you know what? It's kinda really amazing. The show starts off with CNN like news broadcasting with breaking news. I mean appropriate for their show and their drama hah. I loved that they opened up with Wild side it's one of my faves obviously, hence the blog name. They also did; Shout at the devil, Too fast for love, Don't go away mad (that was not good but more on that later on), Saints of Los Angeles (I love how Vince sings this part ''saints of los angeliiiisss'' hah), Live wire, Looks that Kill, then it's a newer version of The dirt (est. 1981) with Machine gun Kelly (he appears on the big screen) and you know what? They kinda fit together really really well. Omg. Ha ha. I love the lyrics obviously.

''Give me more sex, more tats, more blood, more pain, more threats, more theft, torn jeans, cocaine, more pretty strippers with the big red lips, making big tips, showing off the nice big tits, ha!''

Height of inteligence you guys. No, but really I love the song.

Next is a guitar solo and as much as I wanna hate John 5 I really can't because he's kinda amazing. Ugh. Like ughhhhhhh. You also got a great mix of Rock n roll part 2, Smoking in the boys room, Helter Skelter, Anarchy in the UK and Blitzkrieg bop, you can imagine how the crowd totally lost it there and if I was paying enough attention the girls that do the back vocals and dancing actually had Sex pistols shirts on. You can't do without Home sweet home with Tommy on piano, Dr. Feelgood, Same old situation, Girls girls girls, Primal scream and they close off with Kickstart my heart which is soooo freaking loud, also cue in huge loud explosions at the end of this song. I literally twitched a little. Did not expect that. Hah.

Now first things first. A lot of people bitch about Vince's voice. Yeah, it's quite bad on some songs. He butchered Don't go away mad, but listen he's no longer twenty something and as I always say if you want perfection stay at home and listen to the vinyl. He's trying, he's doing his best, he shows up for us and I think that should matter the most. SO he aint perfect, big fucking deal, he still managed to raise the venue that was there pretty much just for them, they were NOT as excited during the Leppards set lol. And I agree maybe he shouldn't torture himself and just let it go but listen it's gotta be hard, it's all he knew all his life. I liked the show regardless, but what I would do? Just turn down the volume a tiny bit. Oh my god. That was SO LOUD. Haha. I honestly can't remember last time I left a concert venue and had my ears ringing for an hour. Lol. I mean okay heavy metal gotta be loud but that was holy shit really loud.

The two back up dancers? Nicknamed ''Nasty habits''? Yeah okay I might go gay for them. SO SEXY! Vince didn't spank them though but they did help bring a little more energy on stage and also back up vocals help Vince if you ask me. Nikki had a really big flag and told us they finally fucking made it to Hungary. Were they there for the first time? Anyone knows? I know they went on to Krakow Poland where they were for the first time. Anyways he also picked up a random fan, young girl probably around 12 or so, told us Rock n roll will survive given that there's new generations listening to it. Yeah that's true, when there's kids listening to RNR instead of ''cajke'' (my fellow citizens will know) then there's still a little hope left for this world. It was ironic he told her ''listen to your mom and don't do drugs'' you're one to speak Nikki.

There's also a super smart speech from Tommy Lee. I mean the guy is every bit as crazy as he was in the 80's. Y'all watched the Pam and Tommy show? Yeah…same dude. He gave us a speech on missing out on everyone's beers ''the fuck is going on man, did everyone quit drinking?'' ha ha hahaha. And also ''another thing I aint seeing is titties'' which went on with the fact that everyone has them, no need to be shy about it and then some guy taking mercy on him showing him his ''man tits'' it was kinda hilarious tbh. Should we point out that we were an inch away from seeing more than we paid for? Someone had a poster ''Tommy give me your drumstick'' and yeah the drumstick? Can y'all guess without me spelling it out? He almost took his pants off. I mean…I guess we all know there'd be plenty to see right? That man has nothing to be embarassed about. Unluckily Tommy Jr. Stayed in his jeans. I heard in UK women obliged though and when he ranted about titties he did get to see quite a lot of them. Seems to me that European women are more uptight, given how same story happened in Milan and Croatia on other concerts. Y'all see Panthers shows in USA right? None of that here. Except in Germany, but those Germans are a species of their own. Oh shoot I'm mentioning Panthers here with Crue, jesus Nikki will smite me for this. Hah.

Lets talk about stage design for a quick second, out of nowhere in the middle of the show two huge women figures appear, I thought they're holograms but really they seemed to be blow up dolls (wink wink) and there's a ton of pointy thingies, like little platforms, which remind me of the GoT throne, girls are also chained at some point, microphones hanging from the ceiling are hanging on a coffin with a cross on it, it's a whole ordeal you guys. Lights are also much different from Leppard. While Leppard are all cool blue and green tones, Crue are all red and yellow. Excuse the cliche but they kinda remind me of heaven and hell. Idk if it's intentional but they sure gave me that vibe.

John 5? This one time he missed a note so bad I nearly choked. How was that possible is beyond me. Distracted by his woman in the front row perhaps? Her and Courtney Sixx with Ruby were there btw. I was joking that Ruby is the most interesting bit of the show. Hah. OH you guys will not believe this! I was in this sitting area that was looking straight into side stage watching people walking around and I keept looking at this dude with huge beard, looking very bikerish and I kept thinking why the fuck does he look familiar to me. Turns out? Zakk freaking Wylde. I could cry. The entire Pantera were on this show because they had a concert a day after ''Def Crue'' so they just casually dropped by. Seriously pay me no attention I'm just over here fucking sobbing. Oh right I keep getting distracted. John 5 is actually a great guitarist, I love his little strutts and twirls and guitars with lights. I really wanted to dislike him because you know loyal Mick Mars fan but I literally couldn't hate him because he's really kinda perfect. Isn't that the worst? When you wanna dislike someone for all the right reasons but you really can't because they make it impossible? Yeah. It sucks...here's some pics of the Crue guys as well...

 

Alright so the boys both promised ''see you next time'' and I hope they hold on to this promise. So I guess all I can say now is ''till next time''. Rather sooner than later, especially Leppard because we all know who I was really there for, and in case you have any doubts...

''Damn Love''

 

Just a girl on a Friday night, starry skies and seven cups of coffee later, drawing her husband. Shut up, and let me dream will ya.

In the end that's all I want, a simple life with you.

Seems like ages have passed since I last wrote an album review. Seriously, any of all y'all know which was the last one? Children of Bodom perhaps? Who the hell knows…anyways I actually have a couple to catch up on. And also about a couple of books I read, and also a couple complaint posts about fucked up society and human insanity. Anytime now, when I bring myself to actually do it. BUT! This one needed no forcing myself to sit down and write. For this one, words came naturally. Flowing like a river. Look at me being poetic as fuck. And this one album I also actually listened to. A ''couple'' of times. I don't know what's going on lately but, I don't listen to much music *gasp*. Or watch Eurovision. I know you guys, I know. Revoke my European citizenship card. I deserve it.  (btw Finland my beloved, cha cha cha ;) I love it) 

So! This album came out on Friday (the 27th), and though this is being posted today (was waiting for the CD to show up in the mail to include pixs), it was written on Saturday (the 28th). Listen, I may have been up all night Friday night to listen to it. On repeat. A ''couple'' of times. Y'all didn't expect me to wait for my physical copy did ya? I mean though it was preordered months ago, and what's another week when you've already been waiting for months, buuuuut I just couldn't wait okay. I am so weak and I couldn't do it. This is the same situation as that ''no, I will not draw Tom Cruise this week'', well guess who has 3 half drawn portraits of him on her desk? Not me, no no, not at all. But it's not as bad as it sounds, I swear I have about 20 other drawings in the works too. Just, priorities.

Before you ask me and before we get into it, this album is a CD version because I love listening to him in the car. Might also get a vinyl version at some other time, if only for the bigger version of the pictures inside. Ha ha. 

This is that thing I keep telling you guys about. How modern times and streaming and youtube are fucking up music. It's all nice and dandy to share music videos on, but it's also taking the magic of getting an album. Like literally holding it, and playing it for the first time, from start to finish. (I know what I wrote in the first paragraph about waiting, shut up). I hardly know how that feels. And yes most of it is my fault, but you really can not dangle Kip Moore in front of me and expect me to take a step back and behave. Hello.

I remember writing the review for two of his other albums (wait two? One is missing! And also missing one of the albums, this is the fifth studio album, I only got four.) and they both started with praise about how much I love him. Hah. That hasn't changed one bit, I still absolutely love him. Or maybe possibly more. Cue in the endless sobbing over the fact that he's playing Cologne early May and I won't be there, even if this is the closest he's ever been to me. Deep sigh. Love is pain. Here I was yapping how I am crazy enough to go all the way to UK for one day for him, and now that he's more reachable, I can't go. IF there is a god above she must hate me. 

As I said for the other album, I will tell you the same for this one, it is perfect, perfect, perfect. Fucking absolute perfection. And even perfection is barely scratching the surface. I think he absolutely outdid himself, lyrically, musically, the voice? THAT VOICE! I don't even know where to start. In reality I hear Springsteen when listening to Kip. Not that they sound the same, but I hear him in that story telling. I hear him in that, you can sit with your eyes closed, listen to the lyrics and it's like an entire film is playing in your head. It's amazing to be able to say so much in a few lines of a song.

I know what you're thinking because I keep listening to the same crap. Oh but he's a country artist, what the hell are you thinking. In theory yes, he is. But really, it's more like his music has country roots and he's exploring elsewhere, a little pop, a little rock, a little bending the rules, a little experiment, and that's probably what is making his songs so good. So honest. So full of life ya know. So different really, the songs are not the same on this album by all means, they're all over the place, they're a freaking journey and my god what a journey it is. Can you guys just imagine if more musicians would just step out of the box, just dare to try something different? Dare to experiment and even if every single song comes out sounding different. So what? If it's good it's good. I don't understand putting out album after album and they basically all sound the same. A musician should be ballsy enough to dare and try something different, dare to still dream, dare to explore and grow. After all don't all of us artist want that? To grow? I know I will always want more, I'll always want to improve my drawings somehow. I know I will never settle. 

Kip especially stands out in the flood of country stars I'd say. Especially those singing about girls, beer and tractors (sorry Luke, you know I love you), just take this one song as an example, it's called Micky's bar (can we take a moment to appreciate that one of my fave bars in Vienna is also called that?) and it tells a story about a small town bar, regular clients and a girl called Jane (of fucking course it's Jane). It says ''Oh my make it a double, sweet Jane shootin' me a smile, oh my, my hearts in trouble, sweet Jane wants to stay a while''. It's an emotional tornado, it takes you on a path of slow burn romance. It's a simple song, with perfect vocals, perfect melody and just my god amazing writing. I am honestly just…amazed with how perfect the lyrics are on this album. I knew he had it in him, never doubted it, but jesus this is just over the freaking top. He is perfection. 

I can't pick a favourite song on this album. Like I can not, each one is special and perfect in it's own way, but really I knew this is gonna be huge ever since I heard the single ''Damn love''. 

Love is a reoccuring theme on this album. Of course. Or more like struggles with it. Relationships. Love. Life. Humans. 13 songs all together but this time there is less of that nostalgia, heartbreak, sadness, there is so much hope this time around. Hope for the future? Hope for…love? Just hope in general? I think hope is something we all need at this point. Just some hope that life can get better, that love can get better, that people can get better. That maybe somehow the world can get better.

Lets make something clear, ''Damn love'' the album titled song, the opener, it's fast paced, energetic, really that one that only needs one listen and you're hooked. But it's also the type of song you put on your fave greatest hits playlist and move on from the rest of them. But the real listeners, those that still appreciate music as art, those that sit down and listen to a song, really listen I mean, those will appreciate the introspective. They will enjoy the journey the album takes them on. They will enjoy exploring with Kip. They will appreciate listening and growing with him. They will appreciate the path and walk along side with him. Every twist and turn it leads you on. You'll know how to cherish that. Y'all know what I mean? It's music as it should be. Raw emotion. A story to tell. 

Guys! Listen to ''Heart on fire'' and tell me you don't hear ''Born in the USA''? Same vibe, same mood, same inspiration, same emotion, same love, same perfection. Same stadium moment, hot summer night, sunset over the stadium, lights, people, music, starry skies above. And nothing but you lost in the moment with thousands of strangers. Yes, in case you can't tell I miss this. Heart on fire is literally this.  Pop rock song, it's not country at all and I am obsessed with it, and yes baby, I would risk it all on you. Just saying, side note. 

''One heartbeat'' is a duet with the magnificent  Ashley McBryde, girl that voice! But let me point out that I was dancing to this song late last night in the headligths of a dirty AF Mercedes SUV, don't give me that look, I'd prefer a Silverado as well, but hey at least my jeans were skin tight and my boots were cowboy style. I fell in love with this song instantly, as soon as I heard the first few lines. They are just about the cutest thing on this planet. And honestly, don't we all need logic and reason in an insane world? I love you Kip okay, thank you for writing this song (whole album really), it's absolutely perfect and for 3:30 minutes in that dust, there was nothing, no worries, just the night, the stars, the headlights and this song. The worries just melted away. Expect me to get drunk at some point and butcher this song at karaoke. I apologise in advance, I really love it. Any volunteers to butcher the song with me? It's a duet after all…it just occured to me, this song is that cheesy romance books type thing that I love to read so much, you know…the fluffy cute things that make your teeth rot? Yep that. Imagine the goth girl with leather pants, black lipstick and a mean glare, reading sappy stories about two idiots in love. What has gone wrong in evolution I wonder? Or just, in my life at least. Maybe just the need for fluffy, cute, sappy, perfect, in a world that is anything but.

Can I just for a second point out that Kip said ''I still crave that companionship deep down in my DNA, and that's where Damn love comes from. There's a reason love and relationships have been written about so much, and why they continiue to get written about. Because at the core of us, that's what we desire the most.'' . Listen sweet cheeks I'm still waiting. Just saying.

You know what? The more I look at the whole album the more I feel like it's a journey on a search for love. A man looking for love and all the places he could be looking for it. Or better the places people go to look for love. Maybe the duet then represents the conclusion, two souls, one heartbeat. 

To conclude the rant with the song, a ballad, ''Mr. Simple''. I love it. You know why? Because it celebrates the simple things in life, the little things, the things that make life worth living but we all take them for granted. I love how the song starts, ''I've never liked the city, there's something 'bout them sounds''. You know what I hate the most about living in the city? Traffic, ambulance cars, railroad sounds, people. I've been craving to move out for a long time now. If only it could be as easy as the song says ''so, if you want the country, a simple life will do, just call me Mr. Simple, livin' simple with you''. That's all I'd want at the end of the day. Though if I stop here and comment on the only thing on this album that I did not like. It's in this song, and it's a line ''well, I've never liked the ocean''.  How dare you Mr. Moore? As part mermaid I am offended. Hah. That aside, I really felt the lines ''A hundred miles to the nearest road, nowhere to be, nowhere to go, just you and me soakin' up that sunset gold, drinkin' that beer ice cold, always got a hand to hold''. I'm either that boring or that old that this right here sounds like heaven to me. 

So that's about it, lets not spiral into long rants that don't make no sense and lets face it none of y'all have the patience to read. Enjoy the picture of my four beauties all together, so pretty, BTW did y'all notice how ''Damn love'' circles right back to ''Wild ones'' with the style and font? I absolutely love that.

Tell me what to do now, I'm so in love, I'm so in love with, you.

Why is it, that everytime I come up here, for a few smart ass statements, it's either ''it's been a hard day'' or a ''hard week'' or a ''hard month''. It's been a fucking hard life you guys. This past week especially, unfriendly, hard to stomach, long and wet. And not wet in a good way. Not wet in a Samantha from Sex and the city type wet. Not pretending to be a boring ass librarian stacking books, and Tom Cruise walks in, saying he came to check out a book but found me instead, then sweeps off all the books from the desk in one swift movment and dot dot dot...yeah not that kinda wet. This is a thought a friend of mine planted in my head btw, y'all can blame him for being explicit. No, this kinda wet, is cold, gray, rainy and floods upon floods type wet. The weather which aside from snow and winter I hate most. The type of weather that traps you inside with your family which is probably a worse type of punishment than jail time would be. Not me typing this on the bathroom floor, because it's probably the only place left, where I get at least a tiny bit of peace and quiet. Que in why I love going to church. Not mass, just sitting down, during opening hours, enjoying the quiet and watching the sun making colors dance on the floors, through colored windows. 

But this is not about my annoying ass family, or the weather that's slowly sucking out the last few remaining atoms of my will to live. Or how kids these days say I'm too retro because I actually know what VHS is. Sigh. This is about the Crue. I mean you knew this was coming right? You know, when they first embarked on this stadium show in USA, I was so jealous. Motley, Leppard, Poison AND Joan Jett? I'd sell my soul for that line up. As if I didn't know that there's no way in hell this spectacle comes to Europe, then Covid happened. So y'all can imagine how shocked I was to hear that it actually IS coming to EU? Yeah shell shocked. I mean no Poison which is to be understood and no Joan Jett. But still, two rock icons, two of my absolute faves? Fuck yes. 

I bought tickets for this months back. Months. It was supposed to be my first time in Budapest. I mean first concert in Budapest. I've been there before, such a magical, beautiful city and I was absolutely excited to be back in town. In a brand new arena too. And then....first news. Mick Mars left the band and someone someone is replacing him. Uhm...I mean it's devastating, Mick IS Motley, without him they'd be called something ridiculous like Black X - MASS or something simmilarly idiotic, or better yet they'd probably all be dead by now. But you know, I figured alright Mick is sick, probably wants to rest, probably can't do as much touring as they set out to do. Understandable. Imagine my fucking surprise last week when the news breaks that Mick is suing Motley.

I've been trying to avoid the drama but that's impossible with couple hundred pages liked both on Instagram and Tumblr. And you know how people are, everyone gotta chip in and contribute to the madness. If I understood the allegations correctly, Mick never left the band but was rather forced out. Wait what? That my friends, is unacceptable to me. I know he wanted to record with the band, the band would be stupid not to let him do that because hello, boys, I'm sorry to say this, but he's the only talent in this band. I also know he wouldn't be able to preform but this is the bush that the rabbit is in it seems, by not preforming they cut Mick's profits from 25 to 5% and I am fuming with anger. Like are you fucking kidding me? How greedy can y'all be? You're all millionares,  is money really worth fucking up your friendship, your ''family'', your fans, your legacy? Is money really above any and all decent human connection? 

Maybe I could stomach greed. Maybe. But what I can't stomach is, how this is apparently just the tip of the ice berg. Apparently this ''abuse'' over Mick has been happening for the past 40 years, apparently they wanted him out of the band since the 80's. Again, I'm sorry, are you fucking kidding me? I remember this episode of LA ink, where Nikki goes and gets Micks face tattooed on his thigh and I just, I can't. Y'all know if there's a barking dog in this band then that dog is Nikki right? So he's the ring leader, he's the problem. The devil. The hypocrite. I love him but I wanna throw a brick in his face you know? How dare you?! Like just how dare you. 

Not sure what the band had to say when responding to these ''allegations'', but I quite honestly don't even want to know, I'm taking Micks side, I know he's right on this, what's fair is fair, and I know who the issue is. Just remember that Steel Panther drama from some time ago, and just who had too much to say about it. Funny Nikki is the one barking about Panters music when the lawsuit accuses him of playing with a pre recorded track. How very interesting. Is it believable? Perhaps. I mean, the man couldn't tell a bass and a guitar apart at the start of the career. One of the responses I did catch was that retiring from touring is retiring from the band. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You can have touring musicians or guests or whatever the hell you want, a musician doesn't have to retire just because they can't tour no more. A musician IS a muscian. They will always be artists. You can't step down and away from that. And they should know that better than anyone. 

Kovač, you idiot. Protecting the band, taking shit about Mick, saying he was ''put up'' to do that, by his lawyers and how this is ''elder abuse''. Idiot. Seriously what an idiot. Allowing the band into gaslighting Mick further, into gaslighting us? Oh piss off for real. Motley is Micks band. It might as well be Mick Mars and the three idiots for all I care, nobody will convince me of it being any different. 

God aren't you all grown ass men too old for fucking drama? For real you guys, here I am, fawning over old men thinking they bring maturity and an inteligent fucking conversations, but looks like that's fucking impossible. I can't with this band, there's always gotta be some drama. Sigh.

Here's a quick memo for the guys, especially Nikki who clearly thinks he's a rock god or something. You are not Motley Crue, you personally. The band is. As a whole. Each individual member brings something to the table, therefore there is no band if the band is not complete, that's not too hard to understand I hope? Every member contributed to amazing music like Girls Girls Girls and Dr. Feelgood, they wouldn't be what they are without all four members, I mean lets be honest we all know that brief period with no Vince the band was shit. But get your damn head out of your ass, the only good thing the band put out recently was one single song and even that one was written by Simple plan. Clearly the band is just Nikki's puppets at this point.

I don't even know why I expected different, or better. I knew what they're like, I've read the Dirt, I knew they aren't saints, but I had hoped they changed. At least a little. At least put their priorities in order. Maybe understood that certain things should be above money and ego...but here we are. I think I'm disappoined because I expected better. I keep getting disappointed because I keep forgetting, at the end of the day when the spotlight turns off they're just people, like you and me, they make stupid mistakes, they make bad choices in life. I just wish these choices were putting sugar on your spaghetti, not something this catastrophic. Well, sugar on your pasta is catastrophic, but you guys understood the reference. I am just devastated. It sucks. It's taking the love I had for the music right out of it. I'm conflicted, I'm angry, I'm confused. 

Which brings us to the root of the problem and the whole reason why I'm writing this in the first place.  I should be writing it with a glass (the one that holds a whole bottle) of wine, not coffee. Sigh. I am seriously conflicted about the concert, it's already paid for, from the get go I said I'm going 90% because of Def Leppard since they don't tour as much. I was SO looking forward to it and now...now I just don't know? Should I even go? On the one hand I love Def Leppard and I really want to go see them, as well as this aint their fucking fault. And on the other hand I just can't bring myself to support this madness. And you know I'm well aware how a couple returned tickets won't make a difference, or a dent, they're millionares, they wont feel it (though of course if everyone rebelled they would feel it but people joining forces for anything at all is unheard of), but this isn't about them, this is about me, my conscience and me making my peace with whatever I chose to do. 

Y'all know how complex it is to be a freaking Libra, never able to decide should you go left or right, is something white or beige, is the glass half full or half empty. Frustrating. So I once again find myself in front of the wall, staring up, not knowing how to cross it. Or better staring at that perfect outfit I chose for the concert, like...spent a month thinking about it...I know I'm lame but after Covid I figured everything should be a big deal. You should plan and look forward to things. Even if they somehow always end completely fucked up, and they never turn out as we planned them. You should still look forward to something, and you should still be excited about it. 

So watch me go absolutely La La Land for the next month (concert is on the 29th of May) trying to decide what the fuck to do. I still absolutely love the music don't get me wrong, I'm separating art from the artist, but the assholes behind it are a bit hard to stomach. In a ''I love you but I don't have to like you'' type thing. I probably won't listen, but you guys, any and all advice is appreciated. What would you do in my shoes? I know what I'll do, complain, cry and drink, probably in that order too. 

Here's to the weekend, hopefully I survive all this rain with a decent amount of wine and no more hair pulling, unless it's Thomas doing the tugging. That's always welcome. Cheers guys!

And I guess I'm just a mess and maybe I'm just lonely, or just bitter, but I know my head is a storm and my chest is empty.

''Vse kar si želim, je malo nežnosti, dotika toplih rok ob zori jutranji,...v objemu toplem se zbudim, a moje pa srce zdaj tava v temi...''

Do you ever wish the world would stop spinning? I don't mean the gravity and the sciency bullshit that comes with it. I mean the...I don't know ''poetic'' part of it? The please stop, so I can catch up part of it. Or do you ever wish the world would just disappear? Maybe just your world? Maybe just the people in it? Maybe you yourself wanna disappear? I don't even know no more, I just know things have been going from difficult to impossible lately. I often think that things can not get any worse, and I'm surprised each time when I fall to a whole new level of inferno. I don't know why and how but lately it feels like the only way is down, and it doesn't look like there's going to be a way up anymore. Ever. Everything is bleak. 

I don't know where I'm even going with this, don't ask. I just know I haven't been feeling alright in a long time. I know things haven't been alright in a long time. I know I've been blamed for things that are absolutely out of my control, and judged over things I can't change. And ridiculed for anything and everything and truth to be told it made me confused and it made me hate myself and it made me miserable and sad and lost. I don't know, nor do I understand what is it that I'm doing wrong. I don't see it, I don't get it. My brain, my mind works different, I don't know, I don't understand ''normal'' and nobody is willing to explain what's ''wrong'' with me. All I get is hatred. Hatred for not being another brick in the wall, hatred for being the black sheep in the heard. Hatred for not seeing the world the same way as others do, hatred for seeing maybe a couple more colors then the rest or maybe less colors then the rest. To me things are simple, black and white, good and bad. There are no shades of gray, especially when it comes to people. And I'm not saying I'm ideal or perfect. Just different. And I suppose that different is what's been destroying me bit by fucking bit. You know how they say you don't need to drink or smoke, how love will kill you bit by fucking bit? This is the same. Being pushed to the side, expendable, hated, being the ''spare'' one, misunderstood, unloved all my life. That's what's been killing me bit by fucking bit.

I honestly feel at this point I'm just around because murder is illegal, because how will you explain to people around you I disappeared? I'm not suicidal mind you, maybe just passively suicidal. Like I'm not going to slit my wrists but I also wont care if someone else does it type thing? I don't know. I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of being lonely, alone, tired of not having anyone team me, someone willing to fight for me. Mabye I'm too much of a romantic, maybe the whole being loved unconditionally, irrevocably, eternally, endlessly...maybe that only exists in my head. Maybe people don't do that no more, maybe they don't even know how. Maybe some people are not meant to belong, maybe some people are not meant to be loved but only exist. Maybe some people, some of us are just damaged beyond repair you know. Maybe when someone wanted to show us love and affection we'd not even understand what's going on. 

It's funny but...I mean it's not a lot I'm asking for, some understanding, that maybe just maybe I'm not like you. And maybe some...I don't know solidarity? Is that the word. To listen to me, not what people around me talk about me. And maybe I don't know stand up for me instead of being embarrased of me. And maybe just once tell me you care. I am basically three fucking decades years old and I have never in my life heard an ''I love you'' from a family member. Ever. No. All I got is screaming, yelling, anger, disappointment, mocking, laughter, degradation, swearing, cussing, insults, hits sometimes, and yet in the end...the fact that I am ''damaged'' is my fault. It's kinda funny because...you can't expect to bloom and get better in an environment that's making you sick right? 

I guess that's what I crave. Love. Understanding. Devotion. Things I never knew in my life. Maybe that's why I keep going back to people that hurt me, for that small fraction of love that they did show me. However fake it was or wasn't. Maybe that's why I prefer staying silent and not speaking at all because all I know is to be quiet. Shut up and don't speak, your opinion is stupid and invalid because it's different. Because you don't fly with the flock and don't swim with the fish. Maybe that's why I don't know how to talk to people? Maybe that's also why I don't want to talk to people? Why waste my time when they won't care anyway? Maybe that's also why I'm so used to pain because when I wanted love, pain was all I got. Maybe that's why I love an illusion because an illusion can't hurt me, someone who can remain perfect in my mind. Always. Because I'll never know the truth anyways and that's safe. Comforting. 

You know that line ''my darling, you hold so much sadness in your eyes, I can almost touch the scars of your soul and cry''? Kinda like that. And I wonder at which point is it too late to put your life, heart, soul, body back together? What if some pieces are just lost and you'll never be whole again? What if there's just nothing worth fighting for no more? I wonder...why would I even want to get better? Physically, mentally...why? What for? In a world that doesn't love you, in a world that doesn't understand you...why? The irony is that the only person you should put yourself back together is you, but if you give up on yourself...what's the point? And what's the point fighting for love if you're the only one fighting....and what's the point if all you get in return is...I don't even know but it seems to me it makes no difference if I was alive or dead, most days. 

As I said above, I'm not suicidal, I just wish I stopped existing. Does that make sense? Nothing does no more, nothing makes sense, the light is lost, the passion is lost, the beauty is lost. I look at the sky and see a graveyard of stars not an endless sea of possibilty. I see endings not beginings. I see pain. And despair. Sigh. And all I long for is something to change, but am powerless to do so. Or maybe my newest health issues are some sorta sign from above. Maybe someone is telling me to just give up fighting at some point. I don't know no more. 

Ignore me, I guess this is nothing a glass (or a bottle, or two) of wine can't fix. In the mean time, I'll be back sitting at the graveyard, drawing. Maybe I'm a better ghost than a human being anyway. 

I'm calling the Academy.

Alright, not to sound like a Victorian woman suffering from hysteria, buuuuut I have a couple of problems this morning. A couple meaning more like one hundred and then some, but these are...different. And no, this is not one of those how badly I want to lick Stacee Jaxx's gun tattoos or Val Kilmers face in the Batman mask problems, but a different kind. But seriously guys, that face? Those eyes? THAT MOUTH! Lord have mercy. I am weak okay. And that whole Ice Ice Baby does stuff to me...

Now to the main problem. I mean I guess you can guess at this point what it is, given that it was Oscars night last night. And that whole, I was deprived of my main man T.C. on the red carpet aside...I mean, y'all didn't expect him to shut down MI:8 just to go to the Oscars right? Hell would sooner freeze over. And I think we all knew Maverick isn't winning awards which is just.....gah! Shouldn't the point of entertainment industry be to I don't know entertain? I had read so many ridiculous comments over the past month about Top Gun. I get it okay, it's not your thing, you hate the Navy, you hate the Army in general, you hate Thomas, you don't like this, you don't like that. That's alright, we have different tastes thank fuck, but you know what's not okay? Hatred. Bullying. Gloating. I don't understand why if you don't like the movie, you can't let others enjoy it. I'm off topic. I don't know what the fuck that is that won ''best picture'', nor will I be watching it, but lets revisit the topic in a year and see which movie people still talk about. Wanna bet it's Top Gun?

But that still isn't the problem I was on about. It's the award for the best male actor. Yup. You knew this is coming right? Listen, I don't generally give a rats ass about the Grammys, the Oscars...it's all bullshit in the end BUT there are still...anomalies. I was mad as a hatter when the academy fucked over Chadwick Boseman, that was ugly. And now this. This...

Listen I am calling the academy right the fuck now. They're really gonna sit there and tell me that Austin Butler didn't deserve that award for all his hard work??! The man who didn't just act in a movie but put his entire life on hold for three years to become Elvis?! Is this a joke? Y'all think y'all are funny? I'm calling bullshit on this. 

Now listen to me, no disrespect on Brendan, don't misunderstand this. I loved him since I watched him in the Mummy. Mr. O'Connell is fire and Brendan is an amazing actor. He deserves nothing but love and all the awards on this planet for all the bullshit he's been through professionally and personally, and there is no doubt that he did amazing in the Whale (even if if you tell me I'm gonna come out of the theatre crying that's not very enjoyable to me). But here's my issue, Brendan came to set everyday and did his line, did his part, and then went home, turned it off, he was Brendan again. Austin didn't do that. He didn't act, he BECAME Elvis. He never turned it off. He still can't turn it off sometimes, they mock his accent but I think it's absolutely adorable when his Elvis voice comes through now and then. Austin didn't play a role, Austin became an icon. I could be biased as an Elvis fangirl, or an Austin fangirl sure, but this is far from it. 

Listen he lived and breathed Elvis to a point where Elvis' family said they had a hard time putting them apart some moments. They literally couldn't tell the difference. Can you imagine that? Immersing yourself into a role so much that the family of the person you're playing, can't tell the difference no more? Must be bitter sweet actually. But gosh. Amazing. Listen to me, Austin deserved this, for himself, for Baz, for Elvis and for Lisa Marie. I am so mad. Nobody could do what he did, or as well as he did, he did an amazing job and I know everyone is so proud of him, and I know his mom and Lisa and Elvis are proud of him, wherever they are. He deserved better and I hope this doesn't discourage him, this changes nothing, this only means that someone (who the fuck is in the jury?) is an idiot and can't reckognise real dedication and hard work. You're still the winner for me Aus. And that aside, despite everything congratulations to Brendan Fraser, I wish you were nominated at a different time but...sigh, it is what it is. And also Angela Bassett? Really Academy? Really? That was ugly. 

Now if you excuse me, I'ma open aliexpress because I need some crap that I don't really need but I do, if you know what I mean and lets be honest, I just love the search bar that says ''I'm shopping for...'' so I can type in ''Tom Cruise''. Hah. Let a fangirl dream okay. And for all my other T.C. fan girls out there, go check out what happens if you do that. It's AMAZING. I NEED EVERYTHING. 

Actually scratch that a glass of wine and sketching this amazing photo of Austin Butler I saw yesterday first. I swear my brain malfunctioned seeing that picture over my ENTIRE laptop screen. Also I need to get away from my family for a bit, they are insufferable today. Ugh. Jesus take the wheel because I am done.