Honky tonk woman in Paradise city.

I've been working on this insanely long post for over a week. Might be the heat, might be my brain malfunctioning, might be the sheer length of it all. Whatever it is…I'm sorry, I'll do better next time. Assuming there are any concerts in my future. It's looking really bleak to be fair. 

Oh I've seen the new Thor ''love and thunder'' movie yesterday, this is important only because, first people are hating on it and for no fucking reason, it's funny, fun, fluffy and really adorable. And secondly, wnb rockstar Thor? Fuck yes, I'm thirsty for it all day long. And the most important part, all the love for GN'R in this movie? YES! HELL YES! Show them boys all the love they deserve. 

Now lets get back to business, I apologise in advance for this post. It's probably going to get ridiculously long. I have not one concert write up but two. And they're both music legends. And I have so much to bitch about. Sigh. Go grab a snack before you sit down and get into this post. 

Where should we start then? This was a fun ride, went to Austria Wednesday morning, went back home after the show. It's Thursday 3:30 am when I finally made it home, without actually removing tons of makeup and shower I fall into bed barely unlacing my boots. I know. But isn't this kinda tired the best kinda tired? Cue in my family screaming to change my ''filthy'' bed sheets. Lol. I got maybe 4 hours of sleep only to get up early on Friday morning and back to Austria. Am I an idiot that should just stay in Vienna and return back home on the weekend? Yes. Would hotel prices and gas prices actually kill me though? Yes. Did you know water on the stadium costs 7 euros? Also yes. Am I high on crack cocaine here? I don't know did someone whack me on the head, or was it heat stroke but 7 euro water is just over the top. It's just freakin water. Back home you can drink it out of every tap and every fountain. Like I get it drought and all but are you fucking kidding me?!

So lets start with Wednesday night first then. Obviously. The one and only Guns n' Roses. Should we first adress how seeing like 60 000 (roughly)  people in a stadium with no masks or distance (except a couple nutjobs with literal builders masks and plastic gloves on, how bout calling Nasa for a space suit instead, dickhead.) really made my brain explode? It was a sight I never imagined to see again. Ever. And the heat you guys?! Vienna is stupid hot no joke. What's going on in this end of Europe lately? There's no practical use to be 33 C at 7pm. The fuck is that all about? Am I supposed to smell worse than the band? I imagined open air stadium show can't be worse than the small venue the other day…would you look at that, tiny shorts on and I feel like I'm melting. Ironically I should be melting under Axe's intense gaze (jesus his eyes are very green) or possibly under Duff or Slash but it's just the sun causing heat strokes. Listen I'm a simple woman not much changed here, still got the hots for the pretty blonde and the best guitarist on this planet. No arguments, no opinions accepted here. He is the best gutarist on this planet. That's it. End of story.  Goodbye and have a nice day. 

Another thing. What the fuck is with starting the show at like 7:15? I mean…uhm? What?! And pretty much punctual too? Is this even still Guns n' roses? Is this Axl Rose? What the hell. I managed to miss out on one of the openers ''Dirty Honey'' which really pisses me off because they're pretty badass. I have no idea when they played tbh. Got to the stadium at like 17:30 or so and it was just time for Gary Clark Jr. Who btw is absolutely amazing. This blues, soul, RNB type music? SO good! We need more of such musicians and less bullshit. 

Now I can't start the post without a couple remarks. You know me. Always have to complain. First one is that I saw GN'R first time on 10.7.2017, I googled it I don't know the dates by heart lol. Especially not lately when the whole concept of time is completely fucked up. Why is it important when I saw them first? Because all I wanted then was ''Don't cry'' that and November rain are my absolute favourite songs. By them that is. Though and I don't like picking favourite amongst my children, those of you who know me will know that November rain and Bon Jovi's Always are actually my all time favourite songs. Anyways in 2017 there was a god damn hurricane in Vienna and it's been raining a bit on and off during the concert. I gotta say watching November rain with actual rain and lightning over the stadium? Mindblowing. But due to rain they cut like three or four songs, everyone was afraid Axl getting hurt on the wet stage. I'd not even be surprised tbh, the mad man is running up and down that stage like something or someone is chasing him. Wasn't me. I was very good up on the seating area. Though…might be motivated to start running if it's him I'm chasing. Hah. 

Shit I keep getting carried away. The songs that were cut then? You guessed it one of them was Don't cry. And I was just…devastated. And then when this tour was announced. It was announced on the 9.6.2019 and cancelled twice…sigh…I was so excited I'll finally get to hear my song! It was played basically on all EU dates and guess fucking what? They didn't play it on Wednesday night. Cue in heartbreak station. I can't even. Stab me in the heart it will hurt less. Don't cry? More like sob the entire way home. Fuck. So I guess third time is a charm? I'm not optimistic but rather grateful for every concert I get to see, it can be the last time seeing them, but if it isn't…then I guess third time is a charm. And if even then it doesn't happen then I give up. On life and love too not just the song. Lol. 

So the music. Everyone is talking about Axes voice. Yes it's changed. But honestly I will not listen to any disrespect here. Ax gives his 110% on that stage, he pushes through for the fans, the fans should be fucking grateful and lick his fucking boots to even get a show. I don't understand the negativity. You can't go to a show and expect to see Ax from 30 years ago. And why WHY on earth do people feel the need to look up concert videos, and photos and talk shit about the band? Do you see me do that on profiles with questionable music taste? No, because I have a thing called a life. And better things to do. Seriously go outside. Grab a beer. Live a little. Stop spreading negativity, spread love instead. 

So Ax sings different? So what? If you want 100% polished voice stay the fuck at home and listen to a fucking vinyl. Live music is supposed to be rougher. It's supposed to not be completely perfect. There are supposed to be mistakes, missed notes, missed chord, missed lyrics. They're musicians not robots. As far as this tour goes Ax had real bad issues with his voice, we really should be grateful he showed up. He doesn't have the luxury to go home and recover for a month like the rest of us do. We all have expectations and we're pissed and disappointed when shows don't happen, we treat them like objects, well fuck, stop, think, they're just human and they deserve better. Have you ever asked yourself what all this bullshit is doing to his mental health? British press reported extensively about his very bad anxiety attacks. He doesn't feel like he's good enough. And who's to blame? The ''fans''. I get so angry. He deserves better. All I wanna do is give him a big hug and shoot all the bitches talking shit about him. And yes, I'm taking this very personal, because it is. So if you wanna bitch and complain, this is a fair warning, if you value your life, you'll keep your dumbass opinions to yourself. 

Now can we finally get to the show or am I going to get pissed the fuck off again? I probably will but lets try anyways.  First off, it's not about Ax at all it's about the speakers. It's about the sound. They had been battling massive sound issues this whole tour. I heard people left the stadium in London because it was unbearable. Ax did adress the issue but as far as I'm concerned it was not completely resolved. I don't know exactly what's been going on but it was heard in Vienna too. The start of the show was pretty scratchy but it got better as time went on. Mixing sound issues with throat issues of course you can't get what you hear on the radio what the fuck? Even Duff didn't sound perfect on this sound. People in the fan pit told me it was too quiet, while up in the seating area it was too loud. Resolving that would be much better than bitching at Ax as if everything is his fault. Or OR bitching at me that Slash isn't the best guitarist on the planet. Listen bud opinions are different but if you're going to come be smart on my profile then at least give me a living better guitarist as Slash. We all know that Hendrix was a king but he's been dead for fifty fucking years so I don't give a shit how much better you think he is than Slash. Fuck off.  And as far as I'm concerned the actual best one on place one has been Brian May for quite some time. 

Show starts with this intro movie. Interesting little clip. Maybe a bit…dark? Lol we all know the world is going to hell in a hand basket boys, no need to point it out like that. And the first song ''It's so easy''. Which actually I think was the first song in 2017 as well. What really is easy these days? Given that I just spent an hour venting and ranting…nothing really is easy huh? I am biased and over protective yes, the thing is this is my favourite band, it's music I listened to all my life due to my parents, it's music that all my best memories are tied to, it's music my friends will tell you never ask me about because I can never shut up about it, and it's music that's constantly playing in my house and car. I love them, I will always love them. Years later the love is just as strong as it was. You know I used to drive my family and friends insane by always bitching and moaning and complaining how much I just want a reunion? I wanted it all original members of course, I still do, but I'm happy with what I got. 

It's hard for me to describe this concert. This music. It's the music that makes me happy. Moments. Rare moments that make me feel glad to just be alive. Glad that I managed to suck it all up, all the bullshit in my life. Grit my teeth and get the fuck over it just to see this band play one more time.  It makes me fucking grateful for my life. It's not perfect but moments like this, are pretty damn close. The moments that finally shut the pain and bullshit in your head and makes everything okay, even just for a little while. 

Show went on with Mr. Brownstone and Chinese democracy. Not my favourite songs but that doesn't matter tbh. The voice you guys, he was screaming, it hurt my vocal cords. I thought he'll take it a bit easier after having such issues the other day, but nope not him. Madman. Song four, ''you know where you are Vienna? You're gonna die''. You know what it is right? Jungle of course and let me tell you something, nothing, NOTHING pulls people on their feet like that song does. I mean the energy on the stadium was electric from the start but this song really fired everyone up. I can't even describe how much I missed that. The stadium screaming and singing along. God. 

They did the Velvet revolver cover of Slither and AC/DC Back in black. Tbh I always prefered Ax singing AC/DC songs, and no disrespect here mind you, Brian is amazing of course, I just always preferd Axls voice so naturally to me AC sounded better when he sang with them. Was always salty that I didn't get to go to that AC tour when it was Axl singing. I bet it was amazing. That aside, I'm glad Brian is back and the band is back to what they were. 

The first one of my faves was Estranged. I adore that song. It's like, the mind of a genius. The lyrics. The music. It's perfect. Pretty sure I shared the lyrics when writing the write up of the first concert but here they are again, the part of the song that is just. All that. 

''So nobody ever told us baby how it was gonna be, so what will happen to us baby, guess we'll have to wait and see.

When I find out all the reasons maybe I'll find another way, find another day. With all the changing seasons of my life, maybe I'll get it right next time. And now that you've been broken down, got your head out of the clouds, you're back down on the ground, and you don't talk so loud, and you don't walk so proud, any more, and what for…?

Well I jumped into the river too many times to make it home, I'm out here on my own, and drifting all alone. If it doesn't show give it time, to read between the lines 'cause I see the storm is getting closer, and the waves they get so high, seems everything we've ever known's here why must it drift away and die.

I'll never find anyone to replace you, guess I'll have to make it through, this time, oh this time, without you…''

Yes I did just write that up from the top of my head, I don't need to google any of their lyrics, Favourite band is favourite band aye? But this song. The lyrics are just beautiful and meaningful and I can relate. I can relate to the sadness and heartbreak and the general vibe of this song. The somber mood. The idea. I get it. All of it. 

Of course you also can't have a GN'R concert without Live and let die. I noticed that those loud wnb gun shots in the song are missing. As well is the fireworks in Paradise city. Can't decide general angst or fire hazzard since all of EU is up in flames. 

Duff did the Stooges cover of ''I wanna be your dog''. Can I just say for a second, that it would be very welcome. Though he'd be the most spoiled dog on the planet. Lol. God damn blond boys making my head spin. I'm sorry Susan for having sinful thoughts about your husband. Shit happens. Oh btw they were introduced on stage, that whole ''Ladies and gentlemen, Guns n' Roses''. I don't think he said the most dangerous band in the world this time though. Think he just said all the way from Los Angeles. Makes sense because dangerous? Lol please, a bunch of fluffy teddy bears. 

They did Absurd, which is the first new song, released in 2021. Also of course Sweet child of mine, cue in the fact that I absolutely fucking lose it when that intro hits. And I saw enough clips online to know how it goes. Starts with a solo by Slash it goes on for like 7 min omg! GUITAR GOD. Can we please take a moment to discuss what else those fingers could possibly do? Magic probably aye? And I just knew that when the solo ends, it blends right into Sweet child. I screamed so loud hah! People wonder sometime how I still have my voice. Well it's a little broken the next morning not going to lie. Lol. Listen to me, love is love okay.

After Civil war there were the band introductions. And Ax was so cute introducing everyone, as if we don't know them lol, but he leaves Slash out and he's like, ''I think that's everyone no? Did I forget something? Can I call someone for a second opinion? A friend maybe?'' lol. Cute. I love him. It always makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside watching Ax and Slash moments. I swear there aint nobody happier than I am, to have those two on friendly terms again. Everything is right in the world again when they smile at each other. Shut up let me have this moment! 

After the initial you know good bye, they came back for three more songs. ''Coma'', ''Patience'' and ''Paradise city''. They send you home with a bang. The atmosphere in the stadium was amazing. During Paradise city? All my hair stood up. Amazing. I just…god I am grateful you guys. I didn't think I'll get this moment again. Ever. It's expensive, and it's not perfect but neither is the world, and I'm just grateful for the moments of happiness in between. This last part is the part where we should listen to ''Don't cry''. Which basically is my only complaint. I really wished I'd get to hear it live at least once. Sigh. 

Now I know what you want. The notes I base these posts on. I posted them the last GN'R concert review and they ended up being far more interesting than the entire post itself. Ha. So here. But please continiue with caution. I'm not exactly sane in my post concert happiness. Or post concert depression. Or in this delirious heat. Or this delirious life.

OH! Before we get there, guess what guys?! Guess who finally has a freaking cool concert plastic cup. It's ridiculous and over priced but come on look at it! I'm screaming. On the inside. Might be thrown out of the house if I start actually screaming. 

Seriously guys…carry on with caution pass this point. 

So ok Slash, the guitar god Slash. That's not playing that's making love to that guitar. What the fuck? Can you imagine how skilled those fingers really are? I mean my vivid imagination can, but a demonstration wouldn't harm. Fuck I'm turning into a silly little grouple. Guys! Everything just works on him, the face, the clothes, the skill, the smile (if you ever see it through his hair) EVERYTHING!

Ax, who the fuck does your laundry? Who the fuck hands you the shirt each time you get off stage? Who the fuck gets to possibly help you change fast? Is that job still open? I'd do it for free and be over the fucking moon about it.

Has anyone looked at Duff lately? Oh jesus christ them legs! Legs for days! That hair! Them shades. Ay papi. I can't breathe. Is he aware of how freakin hot he is? Was it the summer sun and heat stroke or was I hyperventilating like a bitch in heat because of him. Shit he sexy. 

Ax. Oh my god Ax. The smiles, the giggles, the good spirits. I love that. He could probably spit in my mouth and I'd say ''yes daddy, do it again''. Listen to me, I do wanna ''feel my serpentine'' dear god in heaven what do you want really? To murder me. I think you did. Stupid serpent dance. Send help you guys. 

Listen. Patience. The best song on the show because Ax sounded the most like Ax and my filthy fucking mind wanted to hear more of it. Preferably more moaning and groaning. Preferably in a hotel room. Where we're stuck together for whatever insane reason. With no power. Nowhere to be. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do. I'm curious you guys. Can he really hit all those high notes *wiggles eyebrows*. 

You know how Crue have girls on stage ''the Crue girls'' dancing? Vince spanked one on stage once. Bitch I was jealous. Can GN'R do the same? Listen I'm completely free, to dance and be spanked on stage, by all three of them.  Do as you please. 

This band is really bad for my legs. No they don't make them shake. They make them divorce. ASDFGHJKL!

No I don't listen with my eyes but bitch I have them. 

I think it's best I shut up at this point. Enjoy the few little pics, not much because for a change I wanted to enjoy the show and not be bothered with pics.

Alright lets get back to the fact that I'm a fucking idiot. I really should have stayed in Vienna. It's pretty god damn exhausting to be driving back and forth when there's less than 24 hours in between. But it was worth it you guys. If for no other reason then because and are you sitting down? The Rolling Stones are worth all the trouble we know that, BUT! They have a fan favourite song, where you vote what you want to hear. Angie. Which they never play lol. But the option was also Wild horses and it fucking won! Can you hear me scream? I mean you probably could tbh. 

Before I start babbling about the show and that one song, I was going to look up the concert review for the former concert and just realised it's so far back it's not even on this blog. My god. Time sure does fly. It still feels like last year to me. Sigh. So while scrolling through old OLD posts I sure see a lot of things I maybe would rather not see. And realised I have to swap to the other blog, which surprise surprise also doesn't have anything about the Stones, but a shit ton of my punk rock bands and their stupid perfect faces. Well shit. I don't think I knew how to appreciate real good music back then, or else I'd write an essay on how good the concert was. Because it really was good. And they played Angie then which is a miracle on it's own. They had the Temparance movment with them, which was the first time I heard of them, and ended up really liking them. Most people I know are always bitching about support, but I always thought it's so great being exposed to new music you maybe wouldn't heard about otherwise. Some you like some you don't but that's cool. All an experience.

This time the Stones had a local band with. They are called ''Bilderbuch'' and guess what? I loved them. The music is this Indie Rock type but they had this Maneskin vibe. The singer comes up on stage with bitchin makeup, jacket on, nothing underneath and high heels. An older man next to me was like ''you know Mick is hotter right, this one is a bit chubby'' and I, giggling aside was like ''that's good, you got something to grab besides bones'' hah. In the middle of one of their songs the jacket comes off, he's like just in pants then, claiming that he's hot. He was. Did I lose my mind a bit? Yup. HOT. Was I screaming ''take it all off'' before he did? Possibly. And honestly, if your guitar player is blond you don't need much more. I am so shallow I know. At least I admit that I am. Said guitar player had orange painted nails and pink hippy pants. I'm only human when you look like that you know. Also that aside it's a really great band, really great music, I'm always happy to hear something new, not only something I don't know but something that has a fresh new sound. In this overflowing music market that's more than welcome tbh. 

The Stones come up on stage as it's only fitting for a legend. ''Ladies and gentlemen, The Rolling Stones''. But that's not before a very VERY emotional tribute to Charlie Watts. It's heartbreaking. It really is. They play a little video, with all important moments, and very lovely pictures. Most I never even saw before. Mick actually told the crowd in German how much they miss him. We too Mick. We do too. It's just not the same. Musically wise though, as far as sound concerns, I'd lie if I said anything is missing, the sound is perfect as always, but when you know someone else is sitting in the back, and when you know he's not coming up to take that final bow with the band. That hurts. He was such a vital part of the band. The gentleman rocker. Sigh. We miss you Charlie so much. 

ALSO! Got another cup. So now there's two. I'm overly excited about this yes. I mean it's just a cup but really, it's a very treasured memory to me. Gonna sit on my desk now, so I can relive the moment each time I sit there...

This tour is such an important tour. I mean ''sixty''. Sixty years of rock n roll. That's amazing on it's own. Aint no band like them out there. I hear people moan and bitch and complain that they're not all that. There are other bands out there that are better of course. Even I have bands I consider better than them. And of course Mick is not a perfect singer like say young Seb Bach was. But everyone bitching is missing the mother effin point. There aint no band that achieved this much in the music industry and there aint no other band that could stand on that stage and celebrate sixty years. If you can't appreciate that. You don't have to like them but if you call yourself a music lover than you have to appreciate all they've done for music in general. 

The first song to open the show was Street fighting man, which was funny. In 2014 when we caught ''14 on fire'' tour the concert started with Start me up. I think that's such a brilliant song to open a Stones show. I mean. Start me up? Don't get me started now because that song always makes me go crazy. 

It went on with ''Lets spend the night together''. Listen. Yes. Hell yes. Do I want to spend a night with the Stones? Yes. I wanna spend all the nights with Stones. I'd say I don't mean this in a filthy way but honestly? I mean…I better shut up at this point. Lol. Look this aside how brilliant is advertising a show with this song ''Lets spend the night together Vienna''. I mean. All the feels. I get excited just thinking about it. Why do concerts end so fast? You spend months, a year waiting for that one show and then it ends in what feels like minutes. That's the worst part of it all. 

There were some surprises on the show like Dylans Like a rolling stone and Out of time. The crowd went crazy for those, I doubt I ever heard an audience this loud as it was on Out of time. 

Lets talk about ''by request'' I was holding my breath when titles rolled on the back. I didn't actually think that my song would win. Because lets be honest. When am I ever lucky? But funny story back in 2014 the song I voted for also won. Back then it was ''Get off my cloud'' which was already on the set list this time. So then the titles stop rolling and you have ''Wild horses'' in big black letters on the screen. I asked before and I'll ask again, did you hear me scream? I lost it. It's my song you guys. Absolute fave Stones song. I think I talked about it in a vinyl review before but if we revisit the topic real quick. Did you guys read Keiths book? He wrote in it ''it was one of those magical moments when things come together. It's like Satisfaction, you just dream it, and suddenly it's all in your hands. Once you've got the vision in your mind of wild horses, I mean, what's the next phrase you're going to use? It's got to be couldn't drag me away''. I mean. How romantic? Even wild horses can't drag that someone away. Isn't that what we all want in life? That special someone. That support system. I don't believe it exists no more tbh. The world keeps getting crazier and crazier, and things like inteligence and loyalty are a myth. 

It was Keith who wrote Wild horses and he used the 12 string guitar to really get that bluesy, melancholic sound. It was Mick who wrote the lyrics, people debated if it's about his at the time lover called Marianne but I don't think it was. I mean Mick swapped so many women…you can hear the heaviness and melancholy through the entire song though. And at this point I should probably re think my life choices because all my favourite songs are sad songs. Maybe that says something about me as a person as does, all my fave movie / tv show characters are villains. I like this song because of the end line, which is ''we'll ride them someday''. People say that's depressing and a sign of ending, but I feel like it's hopeful. As in those two lovers will meet again, and maybe they have another chance someday. I don't know. I like to see this song as hurt / comfort. I like to see it as a happy hopeful ending. Maybe it's my ''don't do sad endings''. But…yeah. Point here, this is beautiful song and I feel very fortunate to have heard it live. It was beautiful and it's a miracle I didn't start full on sobbing like I did in Milano when Bon Jovi did Always. I'm sorry but that was, is, and will always remain my favourite concert moment. Even if I by some miracle someday see My Chemical Romance (as if lol) and they do Sing, Light behind my eyes and Na Na Na, nothing will top Bon Jovi in Milano and Always. They gave us Italian flags for a fan action right, my flag is safely stored in a folder with the tickets and fan pit bracelet and it still has black mascara smudges. I cried like a baby. But then again so did Jon because of the fan action so we're good. Hah. 

Right lets get back to the Stones I think there was Living in a ghost town next? Premiered of course since it's a new song. I think it was recorded in 2019 and later on the video that was released is about the pandemic. Of course. What else. Didn't we all feel like ghosts living in a ghost town then? To be fair, the whole quarantine was my favourite thing on the planet because it showed me how nice the world would be with less people. Like I'm sorry but lately they're just too much. I just can't do people no more. They're horrible. The song though, Living in a ghost town is this slightly reggae vibe and it's amazing. I really like it. 

There was also Paint it black and Honky tonk woman. Can't go without that one. Actually I'm not sure but I think it was Honky tonk woman that Mick did this filthy dance to? I mean that dance you guys. There's a reason Maroon 5 have a song ''Moves like Jagger'' there aint nobody that has his moves. I'm not even thirty and I'd probably fuck up my hips if I try dancing like him. It was HOT. So hot. Listen, did we touch the fact that his sex appeal is just off the chart yet? It really is. Mick is something else. I don't care about his age. I don't care about his age showing on his face. He is sexy as fuck. That's all. And all men my age? They don't come close to the sexiness of this man. You don't need to be good looking to be sexy as fuck you know. 

We got two songs by Keith Richards and oh my god you guys he was so adorable! Kinda forgot what he wanted to say there, and it was cute because it really felt like, he's just standing there and can't believe all the support from the audience he's getting. I'm so happy to see people give him all the love because he deserves it. And to those idiots complaining about ''my ears hurt watching him play''. I have some thoughts. First one fuck you. Seriously fuck you. Have you seen Keiths hands? He has to battle with a lot of problems to play. Second. Can you play like him? Can you play at all? Third, thank fuck he's still here, still strong enough to give us this amazing show. And fourth fucking fuck a cactus with your disrespect. 

There were also Miss you, Midnight rambler and Sympathy for the devil. Of course. Devil might be the only one I have sympathy for at this point because I have little for anything / anyone else. Except those on four legs. We also got Start me up, late in the show but better than never. Ha! This song is so cool! So cool. All the feels. If it comes on in a bar it makes me wanna jump on the table top and dance. Possibly show my ''sise''. Ha! Wait! Wait a second, that has happened before. I didn't take my clothes off but dancing sure did happen. I aint Jagger but I'm trying okay. 

After Start me up there were also Gimme Shelter and Jumping Jack flash which obviously you can't have a Stones concert without. Now listen to me. Gimme Shelter? When Sasha Allen comes on stage? I mean she's always on stage but she's front and center on this song. I died and floated up to heaven. That womans voice? When she sang that one part of the song? FUCK! All my hair were up. Arms, legs, down there? Fuck yes. All of the hair. She is amazing. So much power. Yes girl!

They went off stage just like GN'R and came back for two more songs, one of which was You can't always get what you want with an Ukrainian choir. I mean…I mean…do we really need this on concerts? Really? I am so fed up of the yellow and blue on all shows, had to watch it on GN'R and Stones and for what? You're not really playing on my sympathy that I don't have…idk. All you're doing is annoying me. I didn't come for a lesson on how I should show empathy but to enjoy rock n roll. And it people had a problem when bands sided against Trump on election, saying they should play music and shut up…then can we do the same now? For the love of everything holy.

And just like GN'R Stones send you home with a bang. Last song is Satisfaction (you can see it on my IG – purpleskyline) and just. Oh my god. The vibe. The emotion. The electric feeling in the air. Stadium literally on fire. The video doesn't do the actual live feeling justice. Really it doesn't. it gives you a rough idea of how it was but it doesn't come close to the real thing. And it gives you the idea of the stage. The stage design, the lights, the shape of the mouth, everything was sick. Nothing is left to chance and nothing is anything less than perfect. I love this band for that. Every single small detail is thought out, every part, every moment of the show is planned and nothing is ever left to chance. I think at this point we should also talk about Mick real quick? What is he on? He is not still for one single fucking second. Lol. I really tried to take one good picture and gave up at like song two. That man is a live wire. Why are you walking up and down like that fool. Stand still for a damn minute. 

I need to complain for a sec though, not over the band or anything but over people. Mother fucking people. I'd be happiest if bands preformed for me and me alone. Why? I LOVE and appreciate music. People don't. All good things are wasted on them. Honestly. Seriously. Fucking wasted. What happened on the Stones concert? People were walking up and down the entire fucking show. I mean wtf? WHAT THE FUCK?! In the sitting area everyone has to stand up when you walk around, you get in their camera filming a song (all my vids are ruined thanks) just so you go fucking piss or get more fucking booze. Are you fucking kidding me?! Fucking selfish asshole. Like…these people gave me the vibe that they bought the ticket for the bragging rights you know like ''oh I've seen the Stones'' but on the actual concert they're bored to tears. Parading up and down the stadium and not once but ten fucking times. Have they ever fucking considered how fucking rude that is to the band? The band is up there giving you all they got. All the love. And you behave like this? Humans really don't deserve nice things. I am pissed off. And disappointed. And as an artist insulted. All you can do is give the common decency to fucking listen. Pay attention. But no. Lets get drunk. A 200 euro ticket is probably just a ticket to get drunk. Sure. Someone should btw make booze on concerts illegal. Just saying. Are y'all listening? Make it happen. 

Now that aside, this stadium really is one of my favourite venues. I saw the Stones here twice, I saw Bruce, I saw GN'R twice. It holds a special place in my heart. Just like San Siro and Gasometer do. Tastes might have changed and some bands are not that close to my heart no more, but amazing memories remain and these places will always be important and my favourite and I'll always look at them with love. This stadium though is amazing. Such a great venue. So much space. Such acoustics. And I have nothing but love for it. Already counting down days for next year. If not before than for another Bruce S. in the summer. Third time! Bring it on Boss. My body is ready. Lol. 

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go through all the concert videos and probably cry because I just can't process that it's over, my concert season that is. I mean maybe, possibly, I get Bryan Adams but I doubt that with the state of the world we'll get to see him in the winter. Sigh. What I do hope though is that Aerosmith and Whitesnake set up new dates. Lets not play stupid here, listen David I love you but we all know the only reason I want to see Whitesnake again is Dino right? Jesus that boy makes my heart beat race out of control and my blood boil. You guys! He's just…agh! ALL that. So yeah…seeing a local show tomorrow but that aside I think my concert season might be over for 2022 and that makes me depressed as fuck. If I learned anything I learned just how much I missed live music. I don't know how I lived without it for the past two years. It was hell. Pure literal hell. And I have no idea how the fuck people that never go to shows live. The hell is the matter with you? Are you normal? Are you okay? How do you breathe? What makes you happy in life? Wtf? So please, everyone pray for me. Pray that I get more concerts…or else…I don't know what I'll do. Die a slow painful death probably. Yes I know I'm being dramatic. There's gotta be a reason my family calls me a drama queen tbh. 

Before I end this post can I just spare a few words on Vienna as well? It's been a long time since I've been there. Long in my book that is. I was used to being there like all the damn time. And a three year break is insane. So being back…it was quite magical. Really. I forgot a little bit just how magicall that place really is. The art. The love. The vibe. My god. They're still living their best life in their pride month. The traffic lights are same sex couples, the zebra on the ground to cross the street is rainbow colored, there's flags everywhere and can I just say I fucking love it? Like really fucking love it. I love the acceptance. I love the love. I love everything about it. Coming from a very uptight hateful country this is such a change that makes me all giggly and happy on the inside. Also street artists? The open piano where anyone can play, listen, sing? YES! More of that please. For the love of everything holy more of that! More love. More art. More life. That's the only thing that separates us from beasts after all. 

Now, I'm sorry this is so long, and I'm sorry it took so long to post the damn thing. Hah. If you made it all the way here, woah, congrats and I love and appreciate you and if we happen to meet in the same place some day, do tell me that I owe you a beer. Hah. No but really, thank you for all the support you guys, I appreciate it, these ramblings would be pointless without you. And I promise to shut up now, but you do have some new book reviews to look forward too. Out of about one hundred that I want, I got two in Vienna. Super excited to read them! And more excited to bother you with them. It's all romance though, like my art profile is these days. Guess despite all the hatred inside of me, I'm still looking at the world through rose colored glasses. Hah. 

Hope you guys have a great week / end. Hope you don't melt. Europe is hotter than Satans ass lately. Jesus christ. Stay in shade and stay hydrated and listen to some GN'R. Cheers!

Oh P.S. just have to share this, on the other side of me, at the stadium, sat a lady that talked to me about Jaggers women and how he stole them from other band members and such and she goes ''he was doing them all at some point'' and I'm like ''all but us'' and she goes ''I mean yes! We should complain to someone'' lol it was TOO funny.

Suck my Richard

Listen up kids, go get a snack and settle down because the day has FINALLY come when I write down some content that isn't 70% bullshit and 30% complaining. Lets see if I'm even capable of some such shit...this is going to be a concert review, yep you read that fucking right. I don't know how this is even possible living in this post apocalyptic world but it happened.

You would NOT even believe the ups and downs of this gig. Let me start up with the fact that I really love Steel Panther. Underneath all the dick and pussy there's really talented guys who know what they're doin. Did you know a guy complimented me once with their lyrics saying ''girl, you got the eyes of a panther and lips like Satan''. Might have been one of the coolest compliments I ever got. I don't know. Hah. Listen I don't even remember when I bought these tickets. Possibly in 2019, I remember posting about it that if something fucks this up for me I'm burning the whole country down, and then a year later after it was cancelled for the second time laughing about it. Like somewhere between manic and Joker type laugh mind you. 

Well cute story last year I get an email due to whatever the fuck cosmic reasons, they're combining my SP gig with Whitesnake who are going on a farewell tour, no charge for ticket holders. Listen it felt like a god damn gift from god. I love the snakes and basically would be seeing them for free for the last time I guess, and AND with their new member Dino who is...you know...ALL that. To say I was a ''little'' excited is an understatement but of course, of fooking course, that man up there who has had it in for me was like ''you know what? Hell naw bitch''. I watched in terror for the past week how concert after concert were being cancelled due to illness. And don't get me wrong I get that illness is some higher fucking power you can't control but like why me? Why MY date? Of course after couple of shows they additionally cancelled mine too. Of course. Like I feel cursed at this point in the last three years I was robbed of like 10 gigs. And if you think I made my peace with Aerosmith because of course Steven Tyler has to have addiction problems right now...I tell you I am cursed...no I aint okay and no I aint found no god damn peace. I get it this is shit that's outta mine or more important their control, and I wish them all the best and speedy recovery but tbh I am incredibly salty. 

So in the span of 24 hours I went from no concert, to no Whitesnake but maybe Panthers, to most likely nothing to actually just Panthers with special guests. What the fuck wild kinda ride. It's all an experience right? It's good for you? Bullshit. It's giving me anxiety. I don't like planning things without planning things. One would think that the last few years will teach me to be spontaneous, well no. I need my outfit picked and my day roughly planned. Why? Because that's the only way I get everything I want done within the 24 hours and get to actually stop in a museum on the way to the concert. 

Everything above here was written before the concert yesterday night. Today! Today...forget everything and lets start over. Oh my fucking god you guys! I can't. I can NOT. Check out the tix first, how pretty are they! The nicest tickets I got! Though funny thing, note the date and also...Lexxi is gone now, according to Michael last night, he quit to shoot gay porn. Lol. Madness...

Now to the concert. First time in Croatia after what 10 years? Feels so odd, used to be there all the time, long weekends, vacations, back in the 90's when my life was perfect and vacation 3 times a year was not unusual. Last time I was in Zagreb for a longer time was a long weekend or week -I don't remember what day it was- for the Bon Jovi plus 30 seconds to Mars concerts some 13 or so years ago. Went for a couple day trips after, always good fun, I suppose seeing the city again was fun too, even if for a few short hours. 

Now! The gig! Oh my god you guys if actually getting to the show was a wild ride? Than this was a rollercoaster paired with skydiving and bungee jumping. Before I get into it in details let me point out that despite loving Panthers and loving Whitesnake the only reason I kept this ticket and went was because of Dino Jelusick. Like guys I'm sorry, you know I love you but Dino is Dino. So I went to the show a bit reluctant and salty about it. Imagine my fucking surprise when Michael in his usual banter is like ''so we got the cheapest member of Whitesnake to play with us tonight'' and there he fucking is on stage! Freakin Dino! I could not be held responsible for my actions and screaching after that. Just saying. So now, D is Croatian, we are in Croatia, it soon became not a Panther show but rather a Dino show and I did not complain one bit! It was amazing the whole venue and the band chanting ''Dino Dino'' the entire time? Uh fuck yes, show that boy all the love. Guys! The voice! The voice, oh man, voice of an angel, and the keyboard -keytar- playing. Asdfghjkl! My brain is melting. What a cutie too, am I right girls?

So before Dino completely frazzles my head (omg babe thanks for sharing my IG story!) let's talk about Panthers. I said it once and I said it a million times. Beneath the jokes and dicks and boobs (we saw a couple last night lol) they are extremely talented musicians. Even if you take a piss at Van Halen you need to know how TO PLAY Van Halen. It's not easy. Eddie Van Halen was one of a kind after all. I had never in my life laughed as much on a concert. Or basically at all. They are SO much fun! Their jokes. Their learning of the Croatian language. Of course if they will learn any new words it's going to be tits aka sise which will have the entire venue chant sise. It was hysterical, really. Respect to my man Satchel because he executed those Croatian words beautifully. And guys! What a guitarist. Holy shit! The solo? The guitar playing and drums at once? Jesus amazing. And don't even get me started with Michaels voice because that shit is out of the ballpark. 

Ok Michael covering Ozzy's Crazy train? Holy perfection. The whole behaviour and the moves and the voice and the crazy? Literally Ozzy. LITERALLY. Y'all know he actually bites off a bats head? Just saying. I mean it's a stuffed toy bat but still. Wild. Fake choking on said bat, assistance from several crew members...it's too funny.

They had girls on stage again of course, they did the whole writing a song again of course, all about sucking and fucking, which in turn would have one of my friends say you need birth control just to listen to their music. That makes me chuckle each time I hear it. Some of the girls really did let loose with their dance and Micheal was all over two of them that also got a backstage pass. Cute. At least that for their trouble. But what I wanted to point out here was that despite all this, and the show, and the bullshit going on on the stage, you can tell that they made sure none of the girls were uncomfortable or thought they gotta do something they don't want. Despite the gimmicks there's a lot of respect involved, and I know you're going to say they're afraid of a lawsuit but they won't touch any girl in anyway she doesn't want to be touched. Respect and with the shit they say many people could misunderstand them. 

So the new guy is called Spider or maybe Spyder. That I am not sure of and to introduce him Michael learned in Croatian ''he has a small dick'' lol. The band did 15 songs all together but they felt like 25 because of the constant chit chatter between them and the comedic things. Did I say I love them? They opened with ''Goin' in the backdoor'' one minute before play time by the way. So punctual. It went on with Tomorrow night and Asian hooker. And of course with ''All I wanna do is fuck (myself tonight)''. Lol and fat girl to which they talked about how all girls in Croatia are so skinny and beautiful and it's a shame because they love fat girls. Back to fuck yeah, show them big girls some love! 

After Ozzy's cover and solos it was the moment with Dino where I basically lost my mind and sanity. Not my bra or panties though thank you very much those stayed put. So all y'all betting if I get naked at the Panthers show. I didn't. I could. I should tbh. Not because of the band but because the venue had one hundred fucking thousand degrees. I don't know what's with the no AC lately (everywhere in the Balkan, all restaurants, bars, museums, is everyone crazy? In this southern summer?) but I probably lost 5 pounds in water that evaporated from me. Hah! At this point let me just say though that yeah this heat is awful BUT! Small intimate concerts which this was with what less than 2000 people, in dark tiny venues, with sweat dripping from you and plastic cups of beer and water flying above your head? Yeah it sounds awful but they are kinda my favourite. The crowd last night was amazing! They all let lose, they were SO loud, they sang along. I mean...I have very few concert experiences where the crowd is like this. Sick. The best way to sum it up. 

So Dino was on stage for Van Halens Jump, like half of The Final countdown after which they dedicated the song ''Here I go again'' to David Coverdale, who we all love and miss to be honest. After these two he left and the band did ''Weenie ride'' (picture me giggling like a little school girl) and ''17 girls in a row''. There were girls on stage but there weren't 17 of them for sure. Actually cute story, there were 80% guys in the crowd last night which is surprising since it's mostly girls that like these boys to my experience and also what a view guys. What a fucking view! The sea of long hair, some blond long hair, and tight pants all in black (I was very unmetalish in a white shirt and blue jeans but listen to me, first my friend who has a concert ticket selling agency always tells me ''if you wanna be spotted in a metal concert, wear white or yellow in a sea of black'' and second it was way too hot to be all metal), handsome, but mostly disappointing because well...not to be rude but the few I talked to? Not very bright. Where are all the nice smart cute metalheads? Oh...on stage aye? 

After that it was ''Death to all but metal'' both with the girls and Dino again. I love this song because yes that's how I feel. Death to ALL but metal. And they left the stage, though we all knew they will come back. Of course. They always do but even if they didn't the chanting of ''we want more'' was SO loud that they couldn't ignore it. So they come back with a little rant and a question of how many guys brought their girlfriends with. A couple raised their hand to which they were promply told that they made a stupid mistake because well...lol. Do y'all really need an explanation? There was also a slight ''let's hope they didn't already fuck Dino'' comment. Lol. There was a lot of that whole ''fucking Dino because he's very cute'' jokes. Cue in more of my giggling. 

So the rant and jokes led into the song ''Community property''. Listen I lost it. This is my all time favourite Panther song. Seriously. I love it. The crowd screamed it back to the band so freaking loud. I love this so much, the moment when the singer is silent and the crowd picks up the song and it's just so loud. Goose bumps! (update Spyder and Michael shared my video in their IG stories and I LOST IT!)

The show ends with ''Gloryhole'' of course it does. And you know it's a sad moment, because you know that the show is over. I can't say I've been counting down days to anything lately, since we all know how everything is getting cancelled...well actually, I hope I can use ''was'' as in was getting cancelled and we're done with this shit but I am not an optimistic person so I'll sit on this. But this was something else on so many levels, first I felt like someone took my virginity all over again. I was in a concert venue for the first time since October 2019 which is insane on it's own. I was dumbstruck at the sight of people packed in a venue and the whole ''spit and sweat'' thing? Oh hell. Don't get me wrong it was a beautiful sight and I think one of the best parts of the show but at the same time it felt completely surreal. Maybe we all spent so much time in a box that we just can't believe we're out of it now. So in that spirit enjoy a couple of shitty phone pictures, I had the camera in my pocket but didn't use it because guess what? I decided to just enjoy the god damn show to the fullest because who the hell knows, it could be my last. 

This last one is my favourite because DINO! Don't worry though you'll get to see a lot more of him, I plan on posting, one, two, three, god knows how many videos of him on my IG in the following days. I can't decide you guys which clip to post so might as well post all of them. Lol. Now that's it for tonight, I'm dead tired, 3 years of no shows, no parties, no life? Well life is kicking my ass right now. I'll be back in two weeks though for the GN'R and Stones concert write ups. I am SO EXCITED OH MY GOD!

Good night guys, enjoy your week and to my USA friends, happy 4th of July! Party on and drink something for me too, lord knows I can't in this heat. Ugh.  (Second update, y'all seen Axe is sick? Well shit...)

Wine. Because murder is illegal.

So I didn't really plan on coming back so soon to bitch and moan about things but here we fucking are. Stressed out to high fucking heavens. To a point where even attractive blond pilots don't do a good job of making me feel calmer. Actually he's adding to the stress because I'm working on a portrait of him which isn't going as planned. I need some wine. And this god damn heat? The fuck you guys? Is this really Europe or am I in hell? Probably both to be fair. 

Listen I'm not a demanding woman, can I just get said blond pilot in my bed, with said wine, preferably banging my head in the headboard till I fucking forget my own fucking name? Apparently not because here I am. Alone. Sprawled across my bed trying not to combust. I swear it's like 40 degrees in my bedroom. 

Now while you'll finally be getting some concert reviews soon. Or so I hope. Here's back to the thing that's making me fucking fume with anger. Like I want to burn down this entire country that's how mad I am. 

Here's the deal. Roe v. Wade. You knew this is coming right? I can't sit silently on my ass. Let me just start with this, if you are happy about this, if you support this, I wish you a very happy go die. Seriously get off this blog, you are not welcome here. Why? Because you're a fucking idiot that's why. I hope you're aware of the fact that this…fucking this?! This will kill women. You did NOT get rid of abortions, you got rid of safe abortions. 

I just love, LOVE, how in the minds of these conservative fucks it's always the woman that's to blame for everything. Women are the sole reason and the only ones responsible for a pregnancy? What is this? Some Mother Mary fucking bullshit? Shouldn't there be another party involved…like I don't know maybe a man? Oh right but we don't tamper with male bodies do we? How easy could this be? You don't like abortions? Get a fucking vasectomy! Fucking misogynistic bullshit where you pretend like women suddenly like a flip of a switch are no longer capable of reasonable thinking and making good choices when pregnant. Like are you fucking kidding me? Is this a joke?

I know it's pointless to argue with the pro life brain dead idiots but let me just lay down a few words for them as well. I will never debate with you if a fetus is a human being or not. It's pointless. The point here is that no man, no country, no court and no fucking god has the fucking right to force a woman to give up her physical autonomy for the sake of another ''being''. I don't fucking care about what your Bible says, I don't fucking care what your god says, I don't give a shit about christianity. It's your right to be religious, you're free to believe, practice, follow the Bible, not take contraception, not get an abortion. These are all your rights, and don't get me wrong I'd be the first one to fight for you if this right was taken away. But what right you don't fucking have? To tell other women what they should do based on YOUR religion. My fucking body, my fucking choice. 

God I'm pissed off. I need more wine to process this god damn post. 

Lets get back to the pro lifers. Oh hell naw I aint done with you yet. All you celebrating this bullshit. This disgusting crime. This abomination. THIS FUCKING WAR ON WOMEN. I honestly hope, neither you nor your daughters ever get an ectopic pregnancy, because you know the procedure that will save your life, what is it? You guessed it. An abortion. I hope you never have a still born baby that your body can't naturally pass because guess fucking what? The procedure to save your life? Yup an abortion. I hope you're never put in a place where carrying a baby full term would mean a certain death for you. I hope you're never assaulted and forced to carry your attackers child full term and being constantly reminded of the trauma you went through because some fucking asshole decided that ''all life is sacred, no matter how it got in the womb''. I hope your child is never assaulted and forced to carry the baby, because that will surely kill her. I hope you're never in a place, trapped in a marriage, relationship, with an abuser and forced to keep a child with no way out of the hell you're in. I hope you never go to jail because the penalty for abortion is higher than it is for rape. But what I do hope is that you someday open your eyes and realise that there are women just like you out there which will die from the laws you are celebrating. I hope you realise the consequences because even if you never suffer through them, there will be blood on your hands.

All you old, crusty, white fucks that decided on this, I hope you never find another fucking moment of peace in the rest of your pathetic lives. May you never sleep through the night, may you never be happy. A woman is not your fucking incubator. If abortion is murder then the blowjob your wife gave you last night was cannibalism. If you don't like abortion just ignore it like you do with school shootings. And let me educate you on abortion in the Bible real quick. It's mentioned once. ONCE. In 5:21 where it provides instructions on how to preform one.

To all my European followers asking me why I'm so enraged. First of ever heard of women solidarity? These women in US are just like you and me and I will always stand up for their rights. Secondly don't think for a second that they will stop there. Today it's abortions, tomorrow gay marriage, next week, voting rights? And don't think for a second that it can't happen to us too. I am enraged for having to go to war over something our grandmothers fought and won. Furious. But listen ladies, our grandmothers won, so can we. This? All this shit? This is just a battle, but we can still win the war. 

Now to end this rant and go cool off with another glass of cold Chardonnay and Meryl Streep on tv let me just say, US or EU or fucking Asia I will never be told what to do and what's best for my uterus, by men who can't even identify the clitoris. That is, go fuck yourselves, I hope you choke on a pancake and fuck a cactus. 

Life finds a way.

I had to take a break from my almost angry sketching of an obnoxious –army- pilot.  Obnoxious but oh so cute. So so cute. Blonde hair and stormy seas eyes, and a smile to die for. Good god the smile. That whole ''I see sparks fly whenever you smile''. Listen guys, I told you how it is. I see blond hair and blue eyes and get a little stupid, and this heat is not helping. Surprise, surprise summer aka hell came back to southern Europe. We're all going to die so help me Jesus.  Seriously guys I am straight up not living mi vida loca right now.  And that's saying something since I absolutely adore summer. Maybe I am also delusional because this bitch aint getting any sleep lately. The world around me is crazy. Neighbors, birds, ambulance cars, all through the night. Fucking hell.  

In my delusions in the middle of the night I was thinking of several things. Like love. Do we think it really exists? For real. Maybe there is no actual love on earth, maybe there is only what we imagine. What we want to see and believe. Ever thought about that? Do we, as humans, even understand love anymore? 

Second thing I was thinking about is Jane Austen, yes completely random I know but like, I have this huge book of all her works, it's all gold and shiny and pretty and it's kinda screaming to be read, even if, I am not a fan. But let me tell you why I feel like she was a fantastic author. Because she understood the horrors of life. Which are what? Listening to men that think they're better than you and dealing with unannounced visitors.

And an advice for all y'all using the world wide web, I'm starting a new set of rules. First one never look at the fucking comments. Seriously don't, people suck there's that. Second trust no algorithm they're absolute bullshit. And third please, please go outside. Get some air. Enjoy it. Forget about the net for a bit. 

Now before I go back to my vicious drawing of the oh so handsome pilot, - one of these days I'll type down one of my filthy dreams that involve said sexy pilot – enjoy this doodle from the movies the other day, I'll start doodling now I'm always at the movies too early and seems like a great way to spend the time…enjoy.

Also the movie was fantastic y'all should go see it. 

Talk to me, Goose.

I've sat here staring at a one minute video of a sunsety beach and waves crashing on it, for literally 30 minutes on a loop. Probably to hurt myself further because ya know MCR videos aint enough, god knows what I'll be doing on July 4th (those of you that know, know) probably getting so drunk I forget I exist…anyways the ocean…y'all know me I aint an optimist, never was and never will be. To me optimism is like believing in destiny, needing something to think there's some order to this horseshit. There isn't. Anyways. I allowed myself a little sliver of hope and booked a hotel early this year. Because ya know, the plandemic will be over by then, there aint no way we're gonna go for another round of it. And then what? Lets all order more vaccines to be ready for the fall (y'all psychic now or smth?), lets all boycott Russia till we fucking starve to death or freeze to death, oh how about lets have a new sickness because someone fucked a monkey…god when does it end? 

But like in all this shit show I kept the little hope of ''fuck y'all I'm going to the beach''. Sure. Okay. Yes. And someone up there was like ''fuck no bitch, you aint going nowhere''. I guess in my tiny bit of optimism I didn't realise that after two years of not being fucking welcome anywhere and therefore staying at home, the third year I just won't have money because literally just existing (which I never asked for tbh) will be too fucking expensive. Seriously guys, honest to god, what do we even live for at this point? For that Bruce S. tour that he's planning next year (tickets go on sale tomorrow you guys so stay alert!)….hah. Next year. Hahahah, Bruce, amore mio, I love you but planning that far ahead…sure. Okay. Great idea. I'll be here deciding what to do with the money when the tickets are refunded. Probably drink it. 

I guess great fucking job I learned how not to be sad about things that are far in the past, and in the more recent past, or you know in the present…now I'll be fucking sad over crap that hasn't happened yet. The hell is the matter with me? Another thing we shouldn't get into else I'll sit here for ten more fucking hours contemplating everything that went wrong in my life and left me the mess that I am today. Not worth it. Or maybe it's just you know…experience. Things only end badly, always. Life, friendships, plans, everything ends badly, so knowing the outcome…no wonder one is sad about everything. Or angry. Or fucking livid. Or just you know disappointed as fuck. Of perhaps scared of what else shit show the future can bring. Cuz honestly, it can't get better, at this point it can only get worse. And it probably will.

But enough of this depression, lets focus on more pleasant topics, she said while getting a glass of red wine. Mark that kids, the beer drinking redneck went on vacation, I only drink wine these days. And only local because my country makes the best wine and I am willing to fight everyone who doesn't agree. The wine is more to detox from this ''art project'' I just watched. Oh. My. God. I feel insulted to be honest. If that is art then I will never be an artist. Which is something I wonder about all the time because lately what people consider art is just…I don't get it. I mean I get it but I don't you know. 

I mean it's hard not to focus on the depressive parts of life when the world is fucking insane. All my Star Wars loving buddies…y'all seen the scandal of racism surrounding Obi Wan Kenobi show aye? I haven't watched the series yet, wasn't paying it much attention online because you know spoilers. I hate that BUT constantly trending on Tumblr made me curious, well imagine my fucking surprise when I see a video to ''fans'' from Ewan talking about racism and I'm like…well Disney is shady AF they could totally do something stupid…oh no no kids, Disney didn't do shit it's the ''fans'' attacking Moses Ingram, and for what? Her skin color? THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! I dare you to come at her again, cuz us, the real fans? We resist. We will end you. What has happened in the past two years to bring out all of human malice? When did we turn so wrong to turn so fucking evil and selfish and judgemental and plain horrible? This is not a world I feel comfortable in you know. Like at all. And I'm trying to change it, in part, changing that what surrounds me, that what I can. But sometimes I feel like I am alone in my actions and they're not enough. 

In other more positive news (well probably not if you ask the Guardian reporters – all braindead sheep my god. No that's an insult to sheep, amebas on fleas on rats. That fits. How do you become a reporter these days? Apply with an IQ test and if the result is room temp you're hired? Most likely). Johnny Depp won the court case. To say that I am overjoyed will be an understatement of the year. I will not stand for a single word of support for Amber. Not one. If you're on her side, get the hell away from me, block me, delete me, forget I exist, we do not support abusive, lying, manipulating, flaming pile of garbage that is AH in this house. In the mass of messages that I got about ''watching your fave with rose tinted glasses'' let me point out that I heve never in my life claimed that he's an angel. We all have our flaws. BUT I do have friends that had their lives ruined by false accusations that they couldn't battle on court over, couldn't prove their innocence and couldn't recover their careers. Me too turned into something completely toxic, and understanding that a man can also be a victim of abuse felt like science fiction. Listen to me and listen to me good, a man can totally be a victim, of abuse, physical, mental, manipulative, etc. And this right here, the fact that Johnny won a case that in theory was not about abuse at all but defamation which she is guilty of on all accounts is a huge step in the right direction. Not just for him mind you but for all men, why? Amber was like ''you do that Johnny, you go up there and tell them that I, Johnny Depp, a man, am a victim of domestic abuse''. Well guess what bitch? He did. And the world listened. And you are done. And the evil has been defeated. I hope the only role she ever gets again is in Discovery ID's crime series ''evil lives here''. 

All y'all crying to me about oh the veridict is a setback for all women. Are you stupid? Seriously, are you? Just so I know because if you are we have nothing to talk about anymore, but if not and you're willing to understand let me explain something super simple to you. There's a difference between freedom of speech, being courageous to tell what happened to you, fighting for your justice and this? This aint that. This is lies upon lies to ruin a man's life and career. The veridict isn't setting women back, her stupid lies did. When in the future women speak out it's not going to be Johnny's veridict that's the issue, it's going to be Ambers lies that will make all their stories even harder to believe. What the veridict did is give justice to ALL victims, proved that both genders can suffer abuse and showed you that justice will prevail if you speak the truth. And I can not believe how fucking stupid her fans and the media are, let me break it down for you idiots to understand. Amber did NOT lose because she spoke up against an ''abuser''. She lost because the lawsuit was about defamation, which means that SHE LIED. She made it ALL up. That's what it means. That's what the jury decided on. And if you can't accept that she is a lying abuser than you're either too stupid or part of the problem as well. Think about that for a minute while I go to more pleasant topics.

God this post hasn't really started yet and I'm running out of wine already. My god why is life so fucking stresful. Maybe I should flip to Rammstein videos instead. Oh my god you guys have you seen / heard Angst and Dicke titten? I laughed so hard. I love this band. Just missed their show which makes me super depressed but someday….someday when I'm not spending like 2k on tickets for other bands. Of course lets all after a 2 year break go on tour and bankrupt our fans. Smh.

I'm so fucking sick of the world lately that I keep getting lost in fantasy worlds and I finally got to this baby…

THIS POST WILL CONTAIN MASSIVE ''CROOKED KINGDOM'' SPOILERS SO PLEASE ONLY CARRY ON IF YOU ARE OKAY WITH READING THEM.

First of all, first of fucking all. How dare you Leigh?! Matthias my beloved. My heart hurts for him and for Nina and for what could of been. Second of all. THE BATHROOM SCENE! I am freaking out. That was just so cute and so fucking intimate and gentle and just asdfghjkl! You feel me? I thought I'll combust when reading that. Men written by women just don't exist if I said that once I said it a million times and it's the god honest truth. 

Now to carry on, how beautiful is this hard back edition? I don't have that many most are soft covers but like look at it! The gold foiling really gets me frothing at the mouth like a god damn Niffler. And the illustrations of the main characters in the back are just gorgeous. 

Alright a quick synopsis of the book;

''Welcome to the world of the Grisha.

Kaz Brekker and his crew of deadly outcasts have just pulled off a heist so daring even they didn't think they'd survive. But insteas of divvying up a fat reward, they're right back to fighting for their lives.

Double – crossed and badly weakened, the crew is low on reasources, allies, and hope. As powerful forces from around the world descend on Ketterdam to root out the secrets of the dangerous drug known as jurda parem, old rivals and new enemies emerge to challenge Kaz's cunning and test the team's fragile loyalties.

A war will be waged on the city's dar kand twisting streets – a battle for revenge and redemption that will decide the fate of the Grisha world.''

I think this was a fantastic sequel! Really. I'm usually a bit vary when it comes to part two. You know that whole fear authors have of their second book never living up to their first? Yeah that. And it also shows in so many books, so many stories. They never live up to the expectations. But there's no fear of that in this book. It's absolutely amazing. The way the story flows, the language, the plot twists. Everything (except Matthias dying god damn it) is perfect. I don't always enjoy books as much as I enjoyed this one and this is not the wine talking. Lol. 

The book in theory revolves around Kaz getting back one of his crew members. Which one? Inej. Of course. What did you think will happen if Inej is gone? Kaz will probably burn the entire world down to get her back. Of course. Don't we all need some of that in our lives? Someone to rely on. Someone to be there when things are rough and knowing they'll always be there to back you up or drag you from hell. Sigh. Could be that I'm hoplessly romantic and that's not how it is but…Inej aside the hunt is also not just to get her back bu to get back what was promised to them in the Six of Crows. The begining. The story is a great twist of money, revenge, power, greed, but also trust and friendship and most important love. And even more important, Kaz trying to get over his trauma, to move on, to be what Inej needs. ''I will have you without armour Kaz Brekker or I won't have you at all.'' Oh be still my beating heart. 

People complain about POW's changing each chapter but I actually really like that because it gives you an insight into characters and what they think, feel, want. It would be hard to completely understand their backgrounds if the story was written only from one point of view. Though lets not pretend that any chapters were my favourite besides those of Kaz and Matthias. Don't I just love them troubled, brooding, violent boys. This has everything, love, adventure, action, adventure, plot twists, you can't put it down till you finish it I promise. 

What I especially loved was the characters, the progression and how they evolved in this book. We see this whole new depth to them, they all faltered, they were cheated by their enemies, they seeked revenge but in that revenge they also found hope and trust and made that bond between them stronger, because they knew they have each other and mostly Kaz to get them out of this mess. Don't we all need a Kaz? No seriously I know I already said that above but like don't we? Someone to trust, someone with just enough malice and just enough strength to be there when all else fails? Just someone to lean on and know will help you when all else fails. I suppose that could be called family, but not that I would know, I tell my family good morning in the wrong ''tone'' and they decide to not talk to me for a whole week, and act like I'm not here at all. It's taken me to be almost thirty to understand that this is abuse. When you're supposed to talk things out but all you get is silence. It's kinda funny, so many arguments in my house revolve around ''what the fuck is wrong with you'' well apparently a lot but who's to blame for it huh? I bet it's not that hard to figure it out, just easier to blame others…

I felt heartbroken for Inej how her capturing affected how she viewed what her and Kaz had. I hated all the doubt. Understood it but hated it. Leigh congrats though, the way you made Kaz always win her back by actually proving himself to her not just with empty promises. That's just beautiful writing right there.  Maybe I just understand Kaz. I understand why he's a ''monster''. He is what he is, created by the city that eats you up and swallows you. I get that. I get being broken because of the people and your surroundings. The only difference is that Kaz is a genius and I'm just me. And if anything I find inspiration. Not in his malice (even if it was well placed) but in his will, his wits, inteligence, never letting his enemies get the upper hand, never letting anything to chance.  And I love how the ''romance'' between him and Inej is pictured. THE BATHROOM SCENE! It's realistic, it's not twisted to fit some modern idea of romance but it's in tune with Kaz's trauma. And it's realistic because they are both ruthless and strong and dangerous to be honest and yet they both nearly combust when showing each other a tiny bit of weakness and vulnerabilty. And then there's that moment. Inej convinced that Kaz would never want her back if she was ''broken''. If her legs were damaged he'd not want her, and what does he do to reasure her? He - and I believe this is the most romantic he knows how to be – tells her;

''I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together – knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.''

I found that absolutely beautiful. And what is also beautiful is the fact that LGBTQ+ comunity represented in this book is something that is completely normal and not frowned upon. As it should be, but more often than not it isn't. Also, the whole world that Leigh created, the cities, the cultures, the languages, amazing. So creative and so different than just regular fantasy worlds. Russian inspired just gives it this extra edge, this extra push to make it so compelling, and different. I love the writing style so much tbh, it's amazing, flowy, easy to read, impossible to put down and it feels like she invites us into this world for a little vacation. (Some vacation in Ketterdam huh? Lol).

Oh and another major spoiler, we get some of the Shadow and bone characters for a little while in this book. Which I find super cool. I was just slightly threw off with the whole ''was'' for Alina. I mean I couldn't recall when she died lol. Then I realised she lost her power and lived a normal life with her husband. Happily ever after kinda thing. Cute. 

All in all mind blowing book, character and plot developments out of this world. A worthy sequel and I'd totally recommend it to anyone that likes some action and adventure and some really greatly written plot twists. 

And another thing to recommend to you guys. The new Top Gun movie ''Maverick''. Oh my god though it took 36 years, should be 34 but..thank you Corona…but it was so worth the wait. I love the original as is, those of you close to me know that I basically know it by heart, I go ape shit crazy for ''great balls of fire'' lol and this? This was amazing. I loved every single moment, it was funny, it was emotional, it was creative, it was as it should be. Maverick that we all love who hasn't changed a bit. A beautiful moment with Val Kilmer. A new ''Iceman'' just as arrogant but sweet as Ice was…And little baby Goose – with a call name Rooster. I love him. Guys! First of, Tom Cruise? The mad man himself? Much sexier than all his younger co stars just saying. He flies the plane himself you know that? So cool. And it's a Mustang. Beautiful plane. Hit me with all the nostalgia when there's an appearance of an F-14 Tomcat. I died. That thing though ''ancient'' (thank you Rooster) is absolutely gorgeous. Speaking of the Mustang, there's a model you can put together I believe. I wanna try that sometime. Put together my own model, a tank or a fighter jet. Should be a fun project huh? Kinda artsy too.  

Cute story but my grandfather was just like Maverick. I read his flight log book, and how his flights were graded. Badly. Lol. Great pilot but huge problem with authority. Hm I wonder where I got that from aye? Lol. Reckless, doesn't like to listen to orders, doesn't fly by the rules, doesn't do this, doesn't do that. Yep sounds about right, I have heard that one too many times, especially the authority part. Funny. Made me wish he was there with me, watching, he'd LOVE these new fighter jets. It was his dream to fly a 14 and these new planes? 5th gen? Holy shit. All in all go see it it's really amazing, and then get your bodies ready for Elvis. Just so you know I shrieked when the trailer played in the theatre and possibly bit all the way to bone on my finger in order to prevent more screaming and weird looks from other mortals. Psh. 

Alright enough of my bullshit for at least a month, so enjoy this doodle of Mav that I did while having too much time before the movie started. I need to take my sketch book with me more often. I like doing these little doodles…

Cheers guys.

Separate ways

''Here we stand, worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two...Sleepless nights, losing ground, I'm reaching for you, you, you...Feeling that it's gone can't change your mind, if we can't go on, to survive the tide, love divides.

Someday love will find you, break those chains that bind you, one night will remind you how we touched and went our separate ways. If (s)he ever hurts you, true love won't desert you, you know I still love you though we touched and went our separate ways.

Troubled times caught between confusion and pain, pain, pain...Distant eyes, promises we made were in vain, in vain, in vain...If you must go, I wish you luck, you'll never walk alone, take care, my love, miss you, love.

Someday love will find you break those chains that bind you, one night will remind you how we touched and went our separate ways. If (s)he ever hurts you, true love won't desert you, you know I still love you, though we touched and went our separate ways.

I still love you...''

Journey

I'm sorry this post is so dark, I guess bleeding words on ''paper'' is better than bleeding all over.

''He broke your heart, he took your soul. You're hurt inside 'cause there's a hole''.

I found myself struggling lately between wanting to write and get things off my chest, finding some meaning in the madness, in the ridiculous sea of emotion I can't even begin to understand. But, more often than not I feel like I forgot how to do it. I feel like I don't know how to express myself. 

I feel like things are so messed up and it's so hard to find solid ground. Instead of growing together we're growing apart. Instead of moving on we're stuck in one place, running in circles. Pretending to care, pretending to love, pretending, pretending…

I always say how over thinking is dangerous right? Your mind spirals out of control, creating scenarios and ideas that can't be further from the truth. I keep saying my mind is my own worse enemy. Kinda. Family doesn't help. I keep thinking how can women stay in abusive relationships without realising I'm in one too. It doesn't have to be a relationship to be abusive. I kept going back to three basic questions ''am I the problem?'', ''is something wrong with me?'', ''will I ever be enough?''. Yes, yes and no. The issue here is though that everything that's wrong with me is not my fault, it's what the years of subtle abuse created. I guess I never had the chance to be normal. Well ''normal''. I realised a lot of things lately when I saw how everyone gave me distance, when all I really needed was love. 

I've been having trouble sleeping since I was real young, but it got way worse lately and someone told me that sleeping requires peace which is why I aint getting any. Ironically, he was probably right. Peace is the one thing I don't know. Nor relaxed. Nor happy. Nor okay. The closest to it that I do get is hearing ''oh it's going to be okay'', over and over and fucking over again, but the truth is, it's never actually okay. None of it. Nothing. 

I keep getting compared to other people, how I should do this, I should do that, I should be better, different, I should be like other people. I find it ironic because it never was me versus other people, it is me versus me. It's about me doing better than I was last year. I'm not. That's a fact. But someday I might. So the only person I should be compared to is me, myself and I. Wishful thinking. It's like, if you don't follow some fucked up rules of society of how life should be, if you stray from that path, bam something is wrong with you. Aren't we all different? Aren't we all individuals? Why should we lead identical lives? Why does it matter how I live as opposed to my neighbors? Why do they stick their stupid noses into my life all the freaking time when in reality they don't know a single thing about me but what they see at first glance…which I can only imagine what their conclussion gives them from the outer appearance…why do people feel the need to gossip? If you have a problem with me, how about you tell me instead of gossiping with my family and adding up lies to the list too. I don't know do people enjoy, causing drama to others? Maybe they enjoy listening to us argue and scream at each other after they cause a problem. 

Looking back at my life…I can honestly say I've been hurt more than I've been loved. I never felt like I grew up in a loving home. Honestly. I never felt loved by my friends, rather the ''last option'', I never felt like I was loved as I loved in relationships. I've been punched a lot as a child and even later, because you know that's just something you do to discipline kids, it's normal, everyone does it. And I never up untill recently understood that that's actually physical abuse, even if nothing shows on you…it's not okay. Parents actually tell you to ''stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about'' and think that's good parenting. But from the early start it taught me to solve my problems with violence which resulted in more violence. Or ignorance. We don't talk. We ignore each other and give each other ugly glances. We put each other down with words that hurt far more than hits, and you're never allowed to complain about it, because ''you're a big girl, you can handle it'' it's always brushed off as no big deal, wasn't meant that way, it's just something it's done….but like, it's been piling up for so long and…I mean is it weird I'm so fucked up that I don't understand relationships, friendships, normal human interaction? Is it weird that I constantly doubt myself? That I feel like nothing I do is good enough? That I feel like I will never be good at anything. Never achieve anything. Is it weird I don't seek out people, friendships, relationships, when I know (or at least expect) it'll only end up in hurt. For me. 

I had spent my entire life being made to feel stupid for liking things I like, the art I like, the music, the movies, made to feel stupid for caring too much about things that others don't care about. Being accused of being crazy or obsessed when in reality it was my only escape from the reality I lived in. I spent so many nights crying alone because crying is stupid, and you're an idiot for doing it, and it's just not something you do, you suck it up, you're not a fucking pussy. I spent so many days contemplating just how to disappear so I'd not be a burden to anyone no more. My mental state right now is at a point where a stranger could ask me if I'm okay or give me a hug and I might completely break down. The number of days when I survived on my own without telling anyone about it is just…I better not say.

I keep hurting myself by loving people I shouldn't. By finding excuses for them when they don't deserve them. By not being able to let someone / something go, when I should. I look back at a certain thing, certain point in my life and it's not the fact that it didn't work out that hurts so much. It's that we both walked away, knowing that neither of us wanted to walk away. I guess I always thought love is that magical thing that can fix everything. If you got love, you don't need anything else right? It'll all work out right? Love is enough to make you fight for it right? Wrong. Life is never as black and white. I think coming to realisation of just that, the fact that love will never be enough, the fact that things don't work out no matter how much you might love someone, I think that is what killed me bit by fucking bit, murdered the hopless romantic in me. Made believing in love or anything remotely conected to it impossible. To be fair all I ever wanted was the family I never had but realising now, I also never will. As I said above somewhere, straying from the path, people live different lives, maybe happiness truly just isn't meant for all of us. 

What am I actually in love with? A person? Who I was with them? The idea of love? The life that doesn't exist? At least for me? The happy family life I see in movies and social media? Though I'm aware so much of it is fake…maybe that's what I'd like, to just pretend for a little while. Fake happiness is better than no happiness right?

People say they hate the words ''what if''. You know which one I hate? ''Almost''. It's everywhere. It won't let me sleep at night. It wont leave me alone. Almost feels like home. Almost changed for the better. Almost did something. Almost got something. Almost made it. Almost happy. Almost. Almost. Almost. Almost but not quite. Not now. Not yet. Not ever…?

It's ridiculous how movies make heartbreak romantically poetically beautiful, like you're sitting on the couch drinking wine, eating chocolate with your friends, a random movie is playing and by morning you're good. Ready to face the world. What the fuck? It's nothing like that. It's more like staring at red digital numbers of your clock at four in the morning because the anxiety won't let go of you, because your mind can't shut up, because the thoughts of not being good enough are swarming in your head, because the thought of that other person is so strong that as soon as you close your eyes, their face is all you see. Sometimes it's trying to swallow down tears each time you're walking around in public and gasping because there's this huge fucking gaping hole in your chest making normal breathing impossible. Sometimes it's staring at old pictures and conversations trying to understand where and what went wrong. It's nothing like the movies. There aint nothing romantic and beautiful in heartbreak no matter what those beautiful old rock songs say. 

I guess the conclussion is that I am just different. Different than my family, different than the people I chose to surround myself with. And I think nobody ever took the time to understand, to talk, to care. People love to judge, hate, put down. If they can't force you to be like them they will rather hate you instead. And I guess I never met my family's expectations of me, so making me feel horrible and worthless for it is the logical solution. And I guess I never met expectations in relationships so not fighting for it was easier. And I guess I never met expectations of people who see friendships different than I do. I guess I never met any expectation and I guess I never will because truth to be told, I don't know how. 

Problem is how to move on? You can't chose family and I can't even begin to understand how to love someone when every night all I do is dream of someone I can't have.  People think I'm pretending, like nobody pretends to have depression, people pretend to be okay. I learned that everytime I speak up about what hurts me I get hurt even more so I just learned to shut up about it. Point here is I don't really know what's going on but it's a lot. Too much. And I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to fix me.