Is it all just wasted time?

I was looking for a specific post on Instagram just now, it's a very old picture, which meant scrolling all the way down, possibly to the end of the gallery. Not sure, never made it there. It felt like…browsing through crumbled cities when a civilisation had fallen. I know I'm being dramatic but really…All the life. All the good times. All the things I (we) used to have and take for granted. The little things that seemed so unimportant at times, the big things we loved and cherished. I just don't understand how we could let this collective insanity take it all away. Strip us down to just…''existing''. No longer living just wasting time, wasting space, waiting. I for sure can't even remember what feeling alive really feels like. I'm breathing so I must be right? But this constant feeling of numbness of anxiety of feeling unsettled…I don't know. Emotions too hard to place I suppose.

Do you guys know that line in that song by the Bad Wolves '''Cause baby we don't work no more, and I don't wanna hurt no more''? I love that song. Painfully beautiful and I know it's supposed to be romantic. Or dead romance kinda song. Broken hearted and all that. Trust me, I know, I've been there once too many times but lately I feel like it can be applied to life in general. I really feel like this isn't working anymore and I don't want to hurt no more.  How do you go on from this point, how do you ''exhume'' the world? I'm out of ideas. And out of courage. And desire. And will. And emotions. I am just…

Sigh. How about a few words on one of my favourite bands (Skid Row – super underrated band) instead? I did a review of the album in the past, short and not nearly as thought through as the reviews are these days but feel free to look it up if you want. So no album review but a few words on my favourite song on this record. It's not the album titled song, nor ''Monkey business''. I actually love ''Psycho love'' and ''In a darkened room'' but my absolute favourite hands down is ''Wasted time''. It's been overplayed and raping my neighbors ears (sorry, not sorry guys), but not on vinyl tho, my copy is an unplayed, still factory sealed (well kinda, it's cut on the side) and I can't bring myself into playing it, though I know it must sound amazing. I literally, no joke, saw one for sale the other day for 1000 euros. Holy Cannoli that's a nice chunk of money. 

Anyways, I'll go as far as saying that Wasted time is Skid Row's best song. Literally. It is essentially  a power ballad sure but it is completely different as say ''I remember you'', it's much darker which makes sense since it talks about the stuggles and damages of addiction. Did you know though that Sebastian wrote this song for / about Steven Adler? Steve had a really bad heroin addiction that affected his preformance which essentially got him fired from Guns N' Roses and he actually struggled with it for most of his life. He's doing great now though, clean and sober and if I had like 50 cents for every time I bitch and complain how he HAS to come back to GN'R, I'd have enough money to pay for a private GN'R gig. Just saying. 

Y'all seen the music video right? It's obvious from there that it's about drugs, but video aside, if you listen to the lyrics; ''you said you'd never let me down, but the horse stampedes and rages'', horse is a popular name for heroin. As well as white nurse, black eagle, brown sugar…I don't love the thematics don't get me wrong, it literally physically hurts me thinking of everything Adler went through but I love how the song is created, music absolutelly brilliant and the lyrics that start with something lighter like cannabis and then moves slowly onto harder drugs like extasy and cocaine and then it ends with heroin. Just like an addict would. Starts with something innocent till things start never being enough and it gets out of control. The song ends with this gently sung line ''I thought you'd never let it get this far''. Brilliant. I mean I read Sebastian's book…I am honestly amazed how some of these boys are still alive and immensely grateful that they are. 

The preformance alone is one of Sebastians best preformances ever. He is an incredible vocalist and here his entire range and talent shines through. And kicking him out of the band was the dumbest thing the band did. Speaking of dumb….Dave Sabo…sigh. He literally co wrote Wasted time and hated it! Wtf? He called the song ''the biggest piece of shit we ever recorded''. And I still for the life of me don't get it. Was he high, drunk or stupid or all of the above? Is it a musicians disease to hate the better songs and like the dumb ones? Just wondering because he's not the first one *cough Richie Sambora – Living on a prayer cough* and surely not the last. 

Another quick cute story then I'll stop rambling and decide which book review you're getting on Friday. I've actually been getting through my huge ''to be read'' stacks and read a couple books.

So Wasted time was released also on a 7' and 12' single, side B containing ''Get the fuck out'' which was recorded live at Wembley. Can we pause here for a moment? While I salivate over shows I never saw because I wasn't even alive then, Queen at Wembley, GN'R Use your illusion tour…I honestly wish to see a show at Wembley once. Preferably The Stones.  Now this song on the single version contains a long freaking speach by Sebastian that is far more interesting than the song. Apparently the band was handed a letter that specifically forbade them to play ''Get the fuck out''. Lol at the genius writing that letter. What did you think it will happen? Like for real? Did you expect the band to roll over and obey? Come on.

Now I'll write down the speech because I just find it freaking hysterical but of course reading it and listening to it is not the same so go check it out (https://youtu.be/eTtQQs_VRcs).

''Well listen man, I'm gonna do somethin' right now. There's a, a little thing that I feel like it's my duty to tell you this shit here London ok. You know there's a counsel here in your town who tries to tell rock bands what they can and cannot do on stage, did you know that? Now we received a letter here, I thought we were in fuckin' Russia or somethin' man. I'm gonna read this to ya, do you wanna hear it? It says right here, ''You'll be aware that there is a great concern being shown by the counsel that there may be abusive language used during the Skid Row show at Wembley'' it goes on to say here ''we have great concern regarding the preformance of Guns N' Roses and Skid Row and the press reporting of shows in America'' alright. And it says here…wait a minute who the fuck is this counsel anyways, do you people know? This is the best part right here, I really love this part, it says ''the song Get the fuck out cannot be included in the set unless the words are ALTERED, motherfucker'' now, and it says here, hang on, it says here that they're gonna stop the show because they don't like the word ''FUCK'' and you're not allowed to hear it! Now the way I see it, the way I fuckin' see it, is that each one of you people paid a bunch of fuckin' money to see a rock n' roll show is that right?! So we wouldn't want to offend anybody but I just think that it's time to say to these people, Get the fuck out man. What do you wanna say?''

And the crowd started chanting Get the fuck out and the song was preformed in it's original form. Lol. But seriously does anyone know who the fuck is the counsel? The hell is that about? Bunch of old frustrated fucks by the looks of it…either way, I'll go cuddle my vinyl because things sure AF can't get any worse, cheers guys. 

Know that I loved you. Know that it was not enough.

Can I for a change instead of whining about my pathetic life, share a song recommendation with you? It's not a new song, it came out in 2017 but it's new to me because I haven't heard it yet. It's Marilyn Mansons ''God's gonna cut you down''. First thing don't try with the ''but he's an abuser / rapist'' bullshit thing with me because then I will cut you down. I am sick to death of cancel culture and second thing you may or may not know that this is originally Johnny Cash's song. Omfg I love it okay. It's amazing. The fact that I find Manson attractive and I nearly had an orgasm on the spot with that music video where he's fucking around with Johnny Depp aside this song is amazing, the voice and the creepy vibe is just…shit it's good ok. Go check it out. While we're at it, that music video with Johnny oh.my.god. Like really I'm fine just a little dead. Would literally kill to be in the middle with them, if only just for the music video. Abuse me papi all day long. Sigh. Wishful thinking. And my beliefs aside, everybody is inncent until proven guilty and the world and people and society shouldn't always just believe women, fact is they lie. Look at Amber Herd. Lying snake. But let's not get there right now, it's Monday, that's reason enough to be upset, I don't need more crap to add to my ''wonderful mood''. 

Now since Inktober took too much time I also didn't get to finish the last book in the Shadow and bone triology by Leigh Bardugo but after picking it up again it took me two hours to get through it. Got totally sucked in and couldn't put it down. So I'm writing down a quick review. I know y'all hate whining so something cheerfull or at least closest I can get to it instead. There will be spoilers below the photo so in case you haven't read the book, consider yourself warned and stop here. 

Alright so the back cover says ''the capital has fallen and the Darkling rules Ravka from his shadow throne''. We all established there's something wrong with me by now right? So obviously this is the best and only start you need to get me to pick up this book. Obviously I was team Darkling from the start, darkness is what pulls me in and it sure as fuck didn't help they casted Ben Barnes as the Darkling. Wtf? Are y'all crazy? How do you expect us not to like them when you make them THAT pretty? Impossible. 

Straight of the bat, people complain (they always do about every book I like) about character development. That it's lame, that Alina turns weak. But for me character development was great and Alina did not turn weak, to me she is strongest she could ever be, why? Because she chose! to sacrifice everything she loved to save people, her country, to get rid of the darkness forever, no matter the sacrifice and no matter the price. That is not weak, that's bloody heroic. 

Ruin and Rising being the third and final book in the Shadow and bone series I think it really goes out with a bang and makes you excited to read the spin off series. Obviously I have all of them already but too little time to read them all. Lol. Particularly excited for King of scars. I love me some pirate prince with a ridiculous charm about him. He reminds me of someone in my life, ridiculously handsome and confident, always knows the right thing to say, always knows how to uplift people's spirits. Always perfect. Hey look at that, I don't only like the Darkling but also this light and bubbly prince. Cute. Tho in Ruin and Rising there's a brief moment when he goes pretty dark…maybe that's what convinced me. Hah. 

Serious more huge spoilers follow that will ruin the book for you, last warning to turn away.

In touch with my dark side I kept hoping there's an ending for Alina and the Darkling. Darklina? Light vs. darkness? I would love to see that story unfold, I would love to see how it wouldn't be the traditional, light has to defeat darkness but light and dark ruling together, balancing each other out. Instead of letting Alina get corrupted she brings out what's the best in the Darkling. That would actually be a great plot twist and also when the tv show comes to it I really don't want to watch Ben Barnes die lol. But instead we go for the cliche option (don't get me wrong it's still great, just predictable) nation waiting for salvation, the sun summoner broken and helpless, looking for a way to defeat the darkness. Defeat it with the third amplifier for her powers. The firebird. Well we all saw how well that turned out. I kept having this huntch when I started reading, the firebird is probably not a bird. It's a woman, it's an illusion, it's an idea. Well I was sorta right but I could never have anticipated that the ''firebird'' will ended up being Mal. Oh my god. That was shocking. Out of all people it had to be Mal. Just how cruel is that? You have to kill the ''creature'' to gain it's power to have the amplifier. Can you imagine Alina having to go into battle against the dark with Mals' bones around her wrist? Unimaginable. Which is where Alina strength shows, the fact that she was able to kill Mal to save her people. That's not weak. That's strong. 

I didn't expect the ''cruel'' joke played on her, I didn't expect Mal dying and her losing all her power. But I have to say the plot twist in which we learn that power amplified by hundreds is not in one person but in several hundred people. That is such a brilliant twist I can only applaud Leigh for it. My heart hurt for the Darkling. The heartbreak he felt when she turned ''common'' where their possible future was stripped away, when he realised he's all alone again. He was just a boy, burdened with too much power, missunderstood, alone. I can relate to too many of his problems and too many parts of him. This book also brought us the resolution of what is his real name!? Finally in another plot twist we learn it's ''Aleksander Morozova'' yes, as in Morozova's madness, Morozova's amplifiers. Thing is I expected him to be the actual Morozova not his grandson but okay. Not too shocking since they're ancient and immortal. 

I love love love this world inspired by Tsardom Russia. It's unique, there's not one fantasy world like it around. You know when picking up fantasy books with fantasy worlds you expect a Tolkien style world, elfs, dwarfs, hobbits or vampires and werewolves but you don't really expect a world inspired by Russia or Russian rulers. The flow of the book, story, story world is just amazing, it feels like it's Russian but it also feels like it's not, like it's new and different. Fantastic writing and imagination by Leigh once again. 

Another thing I love about character development here is that things are not black and white at all, bad guys can do good things and good guys can do bad things. Not everybody is perfect and not everything is always as it seems. Which is why I'm also pissed that Darkling dies. I just wanted to see him reach his full potential. Do good, be good, with Alina by his side. Sigh. But I know better than anyone that you can't force love if it isn't there. You can't force your heart to love someone if it pines and longs for another. Though it was hard staying team Darkling the entire time, some of the moments with Mal all but ripped my heart out…Mal has a way with words and their heartache is relatable;

''I would have been different too, without you. Weaker, reckless, afraid of the dark, but no matter who or what I was, I would have been yours.''

Sigh. Do you ever wonder, what you'd be like, without certain people? If things wouldn't happen like they did? If you didn't do the things you did, walk the paths you walked. If you were different. Would you be happier? Isn't this though all we want, a place to call our own and a person to call ours. Might be my hoplessly romantic Italian blood again but words such as ''I'm all yours'' will literally turn me into a puddle. 

I like Alina because it's easier to relate to her. As I said above, she is not perfect. Far from it. She does bad things too. She makes mistakes, which means that though people call her a saint, she's human. We need more of such heroes and heroines because nobody wants perfection, nobody wants picture perfect that can never do wrong. We want something we can relate to. At least I do. It may be fantasy I'm reading but even in that fantasy…people should be people. Inperfect, flawed, human. 

Which goes both ways, darkness is also relatable. It's so hard to hate the Darkling because he is relatable as well. We all love the bad boys don't we? We all love the evil in these characters (it's actually alarming how many of my faves are considered problematic or ''evil'') but I don't think that the Darkling is evil, as said above, he's just…missunderstood, he has good intentions I think. I think he really loved his country, I think he really wanted what's best for it, which is why I'm pissed the character development here ends with his death. I'd just want to see what it could be. Through the series it's a rollercoaster with him, first you're intrigued, then you're fascinated, and you're charmed, and you feel bad for him and you love him and then you hate him and then you're pissed off like I am. Maybe it's just the fact that loving darkness and evil is easier and cooler than being the good guy at all times. Who knows. But what I do know is that ''evil'' is much more complex, it has many more layers, it takes more understanding. You want to know what makes them tick, you want to peal back all their ''evil'' layers and see what made them, them. 

Maybe if Mal stayed dead there could be a ''Darklina'' conclussion but truth to be told if he was dead I'd also be pissed. Ha. I don't know I think I'd need an alternative ending because the ending that we got is perfect and I'd not change a single thing about it. Alternative one should be only for my love of the Darkling (god damn you Ben Barnes and your ridiculously charming face). I read reviews from readers that hated the ending. Hated Mal, hated him for ''only showing interest in Alina when she liked someone else''. Did he really? I didn't see it that way. I think he did always love her just never had the guts to fess up. Come on, lets be honest. How many of us do actually have the balls to tell our best friends we love them? I don't know such a person. Second reason to hate Mal was an overly feministic way of looking at things ''girls you need to give up everything to be with your man''. As in Alina gave her power away and stayed with him. How stupid is that? And what kinda idiot writes that? One that clearly didn't understand the book at all. Alina didn't sacrifice her power for Mal, she literally sacrificed Mal to save her world. How is that giving up anything for love? It's sacrificing love for everything. It's poetic and beautiful really, in a time when men wont even sacrifice the remote for you when there's a sporting event going on. Sigh. Another dumb thing was people saying the book is teaching girls to not be extraordinary, to be ordinary and common because that will bring them a happy ending. That's another dumb comment and I can't relate. I'm more than certain Mal would of loved extraordinary Alina non the less. I think the only real issue here was the fact that Alina's power was tearing them apart, people's expectations of her, and people's placement of him. It wasn't him, it was everyone around them, pulling them apart. 

Don't get me wrong I'm still a complete simp (look at that yo girl learned a new word) for the Darkling but I actually found myself loving the ending. True love wins. Always. Right? The book ends with the line ''they had an ordinary life, full of ordinary things, if love can ever be called that''. Oh be  still my beating heart. Beautiful conclussion to this story, and also bitter sweet. Alina says in the book ''I have loved you all my life Mal, there is no end to our story.'' I wish there'd be no end to the actual story, I'd wish for a few more books, I hope there's at least some ''guest staring'' in the ones I have yet to read. But all good things must end right? Well except Motley Crue. Lol. 

What I also love about this particular edition is that there's bonus material at the end. You have a Darkling prequel story titled ''The Demon in the Wood''. I wasn't particularly impressed with it but you know there's never enough of him (seriously Leigh how about you do a ''Mr. Gray'' and put out a book from his point of view? Omfg I would so love that!). This short story talks about the Darkling being just a lonely boy, before he became the Darkling. I think it's a good point of view for those that are not really team Darkling and for those that wish to understand. To see into him, to see what made him the ruthless and powerful leader that he was. To the rest of us it's just another thing to break our hearts. If you look at him purely as the most poweful Grisha, as a fierce leader, as evil, this will make you feel empathy and hurt, for him. Things really never are black and white. Shut up. I love him so much. It's not his fault after all, because how can you run from what's inside you? You can't. sooner or later you'll end up dead. I am trash for evil and villains and I would sell my soul for a whole book of the Darkling. Seriously. Just make it happen. Please. I beg you. What we learn from this tragic novella is that the Darkling or Eryk as he's called then is hunted like an animal. Hunter by children hungry for power. What it teaches us people's greed and hunger for power. It teaches us it's never enough and people will literally walk over bodies to get what they feel they deserve. Yes, the Darklings evilness definitely is a product of his environment. However cruel he is, he is because of the cruel environment that made him that way.

And you know what's funny? I don't usually read these bonus material things or previews into part two or whatever it is that people shove up at the end of the book but clearly this one peaked my interest right away. Darkling. My baby. Omfg did you know what they shot part of Narnia (which I only watched for Ben Barnes) right here, like few miles away from me? But Ben wasn't here. Sigh. So sad. I could do with some drooling over his perfect face. Lol. Oh fangirling aside, he did a movie ''Dorian Gray'', I take it we all know the story? Well I really liked his take on the story so y'all might wanna check it out. Ohhhh I need a book so bad. Dorian Gray. Just got a new Monte Cristo (so in love with it omfg) and apparently same series has Dorian Gray too. Want! 

I just made this ridiculously long. Excuse my ranting, I have too much time on my hands while trying to remove endless pictures off my phone. God damn lack of space. Do phone creators know that deleting pictures of Henry off my phone is like murdering off my children? Wtf? I need endless space. Think about that. Now before this becomes any longer and unbearable…my fellow Grisha verse fans…who are we thinking as Nikolai Lantsov in the tv series? Overly excited about that. I have like three in mind, one being Armie Hammer the obvious choice for me, the ridiculous charm in that daft Disney movie kills me each time I watch it. Or Dacre Montgomery. He killed the whole sexy long haired thing in Stranger things (Billy better be back in new season! Idk how but I just want him back) or OR Douglas Booth. Can you just imagine that? 

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a ''Ben Barnes reads thirst tweets'' video waiting for my full undivided attention. Just know if he read any of mine…well y'all will probably hear me scream. Cheers, lovelies, have a great week. 

P.S. Never doubt where my loyalties lie…(this is just above my desk).

Last night I dreamt , that somebody loved me. No hope no harm, just another false alarm.

Hey ya guys. Sorry for being so MIA for so long. What can I say, life's been a struggle. And when it wasn't I was busy with Inktober. Like, really busy. This year I decided to really push myself to make to explore my imagination and capabilty and draw these thingies as good as I can. I'm no Mikelangelo but I've seen a lot of growth in my own work. I managed to draw some of my fave things I probably wouldn't even consider without Inktober and I drew all my fave boys! She said ''fave boys'' about serial killers. I keep telling you my brain is hardwired the wrong way, lol. And when I wasn't busy with Inktober I was busy drinking and sobbing in misery or fucking up my hair. Again. I just can't leave it alone can I?

I think it's Halloween also that made me completely miserable. It's my absolute fave thing in an entire year. I keep saying for me everyday is Halloween though and it really is but on that one day I'm at least allowed to be 100% me, and this year I was alone and depressed and just ugh. I didn't even put any makeup on my face because lets be serious I've been wearing a mask for more than a year, what't the point anymore? Scary movies are no longer scary when you open your eyes and reality is worse than movies. To be honest Freddie or Jason could at this point jump from behind a tree and I'd just be like ''meh'', or thank them for slaughtering me.

I've been glancing through my other blog, private one, the November posts specifically. I don't know why I do that, must be some form of self harm to be honest…I never thought that random pics of a morning coffee with a waiter with a pretty smile will turn into a fever dream. I never imagined that a movie theater will be an illusion and I never ever never dreamed that anything or anyone can make me sit out of concerts for more than a year. What.the.fuck. 

One of my fave November memories is that of 10.11.2015. It was the date of Motley Crue's Italian gig. What was supposed to be the ''last ever'' in Italy because the band is breaking up, final tour and all that…well we know how that ended. Well with how things are looking right now it might very well have been the last gig in Italy. You know people keep telling me that I'm still so young, have all the time in the world to see concerts, they just don't know that musicians I love are not young and they don't have all the time in the world. Can you imagine what more than a year of lost touring means for someone like the Stones? Nevermind the fact that we lost Charlie in between. Sigh. This makes me so depressed. 

Anyways I sat in my fave cafe on the morning of 11.11.2015, the irony is that the cafe also no longer exists, which also makes me feel fucking depressed because it was the best and the happiest place in this god forsaken country and I wrote a quick blog post, all fangirling and screaming and fever dreams. I have a thing about Nikki Sixx ok, leave me. He's Italian, I can't help it ok. Those days my biggest issue really was humidity in the air making my pefectly straightened hair go frizzy. What I'd give to have that back. I wrote about how amazing the concert was and how sad it is at the same time because this is goodbye forever. Well it wasn't and it isn't (I fucking hope so), it makes me laugh though each time I put my fave band shirt on with those huge bold letters saying ''Motley Crue Final tour''. I'm rambling because I just recently as a belated birthday gift got one of Nikki's books that I've wanted for so long. It's the ''This is gonna hurt'' one about photography and life and so on. I haven't read it just yet, only looked at the pictures. Loved them. I always love his work. He and I, we think very much alike. It's reasuring hearing from time to time that it's okay to be different, strange, unusual…it's nice being reminded from time to time about the strength within me that I learned from my bands, some of it from Nikki himself.

Last song on that concert was ''Home sweet home'' obviously. I remember Vince saying how much he'll miss us. I remember him choking and crying. I remember myself in return sobbing into my sleeves lol. Vince could miss the stage and the fans, but jesus he can't miss us even a tiny fraction as much as I miss them. All of them not just the Crue. 

I spent a week or so in Milano Italy then, got drunk on Fireball whiskey and destroyed One direction in a karaoke bar. Or well I hope it was a karaoke bar, to be honest I'm not sure, might of been just a bar and there I was tormenting poor tourists. Lol. 

There's also a long rant on 1.10.2015 from a local concert and the people there. Drunk. Stupid. Annoying. I really hated local shows where people turned up for booze not music. At this point, if I was in some dark, smokey, sweaty uderground club and strangers stepped on me and spill drinks on me I'd thank them and ask them to do it again, no joke. Is concert starved a thing like touch starved? Because I'm both. 

I went a bit further back, 2014, still November, surprised to see how many posts are about hating the human kind, people are a disease and life is horrible. Don't get me wrong, they are and it is but god if I knew then what I know now, about how bad things will become, about how fucking disgusting people will become, I'd shut up and never use a single post to complain, honest to god. 2014 was also the year I saw Linkin park, I promised myself it's not my first and last LP show but well…we see how that turned out. I'm still upset over Chester mind you. I still miss him. I miss them, the music…sigh. You know what's funny though? I wasn't going to go to this specific Linkin Park show, it was on the same date as something else but then they announced that they're taking Of mice and men with them so I literally went for them because I knew I'd never get to see them on a solo gig anyways. I'm grateful today because I'd never see nor Mice nor LP. How things change huh? This was probably one of my most brutal shows, I was covered in bruises lol. And I met some really nice guys from Poland. It was a good day. 

2013 November I saw Avenged Sevenfold. I can't even believe it's been that long. Shit. All three of these concerts were bands that I've been wanting to see for 10 plus years. I can't believe that it's now been almost 10 years since they happened. A7X was one of the best gigs, first time I got to be rewarded for mingling and hanging around the venue early, our tickets got updated to fan pit for free. Crazy! the gig was awesome btw, they toured that year with Avatar and Five finger death punch, both freaking amazing bands. 

There are a hell of a lot Simple plan posts too in November posts. No particular reason for it. I guess I always wrote about them…seems poetic to mention since their brand new song came out today. I hate that I love it and think it's great because they literally ripped out my heart and stomped on it. Yup. Who knew. One of the three bands I was completely obsessed with ever since I was like ten years old and sobbed through every minute of their concert the first time I saw them…now I can't stand them. Amazing how things change aint it. 

November 1st 2012 was the year we lost Mitch Lucker. Shit. It's been so long I can't even believe it. I freakin miss his music and his amazing persona too. All the damn time. Oh. Hah. It's kinda ironic but the wall next to my bedroom door is full of pictures of my fave musicians and 90% of them are dead by now. Life aye. 

I don't know why I rant, to make myself more miserable I suppose. I'll go watch ''What we do in the shadows'' instead, it's freakin hilarious and lifts my spirits each time, and I'll leave some of my fave Inktobers below (including the four fave boys). Cheers guys have a nice weekend. Have some fun for me too, seems like only thing in my future is another lockdown. Sigh. Murder me to end my suffering please. 

“I like to have powerful enemies. Makes me feel important.”

After setting some things straight, mostly in my head and mostly with myself, it's been a week not from hell for a change. Nothing to alert the press about just yet…just, bearable. Things are still crazy, and life is still hard but at least every breath is not painful torture or maybe I had two glasses of wine too much at lunch, who knows. Might also be the fact that it's finally October and I've honestly been looking forward to ''Inktober'' all year. I didn't know before but there's also apparently ''Inktober 52'', meaning 52 prompts because there are 52 weeks in a year, so a drawing a week. Obviously I am joining that next year as well. Ink drawings might not be my go to medium but I love to try new things and try to grow and not suck at drawing in ink anymore. But seriously overly excited because I have so many ideas for Inktober and so many of my fave things to incorporate in the drawings! 

All that aside, only thing you're getting today is another book review because I am damn proud of actually finishing another book. Only like 50 left to go. At the moment anyways. Honestly, to be fair, book buying and book reading should be separate hobbies. I mean I'm like obsessed, buying too many books, they are EVERYWHERE at this point and yet I'm slow or lazy in reading these days. Alright so I finished the second part in the Shadow and Bone triology ''Siege and storm'', by Leigh Bardugo.

I'm still a slut for the Darkling despite everything. Just saying. 

Now, I have an account set up on ''Goodreads'', not to connect with people (ew) but to keep track of what I read and what I still want to read, mostly though because as I said books are everywhere and I tend to forget which ones I already have, then buy another copy. I'm looking at you Frankenstein. Now I avoid reviews on Goodreads at all costs. Why? Almost always reviews to books I want to read are fucking negative. Like I don't know is something the matter with people (what am I saying of course everything is the matter with people) or is something the matter with me? I guess I just don't like what everyone else seems to like. Everyone freaked out over 50 shades of Gray and honestly? Massive disappointment. Anyways reading negative critique after negative critique would only turn me off from reading a book and it would be a damn shame because I'd be missing out on something I actually end up liking. And not to mention spoilers. I tend to avoid those like the plague.

First things first, we meet Nikolai Lantsov in this book and he is just the coolest character, pretty, funny, charming, smart, sarcastic. A ''pirate'' gotta love him obviously. Btw I am extremely salty over the fact that someone like Prince Nikolai only exists in books and all we get are the boring Princes like Charles and William. Nobody makes pirate princes no more? Asking for a friend.

Second thing the line ''I have loved you all my life Mal, there is no end to our story'' killed me. Like for real killed me. Lines in books sound so different when you can apply them to your own lives or see them through things you yourself experienced at some point. They tend to hurt more because at the end of the day, the book may have a happy ending but life doesn't. 

I gotta say though, the book felt a bit slow at times, like things weren't really moving forward or say fast enough, till you get to the last two chapters where everything literally explodes. I really liked the new characters introduced though, and the progress of where the story goes and how the ''plot thickens''. Now despite Alina and Mal sorta being a thing and then not and then sorta being a thing again, I'm still team Darkling. Listen to me if you didn't want us to be on his team why the hell would you cast Ben Barnes as the Darkling? Seriously! His smile alone soaks ladies panties. Omfg! You guys did you see he's a singer now? I died. A little. Okay a lot. Not my type of music at all but sweet cheeks you can sing me to sleep every night. just saying. 

Mal Mal Mal. People don't like Mal. I don't really know why because my ''Darklina'' feelings aside I have no issues with him. He's a bit stupid at times admittedly but come on he's a guy, he can't help himself. He fucked up several times, I wanted to punch him in his stupid face when Alina reveals something really important to him and he just leaves. LEAVES! I hated him there but the other cute moments were really cute and y'all know I'm a slut for a little romance. Touch starved or love starved or how they call it. Sometimes I wonder if Mal and Alina are end game ( I'm guessing they are anyways, still have book nr. 3 to read ) because essentially they are all each knows. I mean Mal is all Alina knows and vice versa. It's always been them against the world and I can't but wonder, is that good enough reason to be together. Romantically anyways. And unrelated but do guys always have to get drunk and smash things when they get dumped? I mean I always wanna get drunk and smash things (or Henry Cavill) but after a break up I'd much rather wallow in my mysery with a bucket of Ben and Jerry's (this said Ben Barnes before I edited the post, my mind is obviously in the gutter) and Dirty dancing on replay.

Uhhhh the general feel of this book being more ocean themed made me miss the sea so much. I am like dying you guys, for that feeling of a sandy beach beneath my feet and the salty air and the gentle breeze in the heat. I miss the swimming and the sunshine and the annoying cheeky seagulls. When I was a kid we used to be at the sea side every weekend, I mean okay we had a sailboat and our best family friends owned a boat workshop where I used to spend more time than at home. My moms ex would teach me how to sail, he had a license and was a very good captain. I had no idea then that I'll miss those days so much someday. I think that's when I fell in love with the ocean, but lately don't get to spend as much time as I'd want there. The oceam view alone is so calming to the soul. Listening to the waves crash on the shore and look into the clear blue water. If that doesn't calm you down nothing will. I miss it so much. 

Right, back to the book. I enjoyed it. Of course it's not ''A farewell to arms'' but it's a great book and clearly now, I can't wait to pick up part three and start reading. Sometimes thats all you need, a little push in the right direction with a good book. And you know what's best? I already have part three.  Biggest issue is always the fact that I can't get a certain sequel (looking at literally 7 incomplete series in a book stand on the other side of my room).

Alright then, time to dig up my markers and start Inktober! So exciting. Be sure excitement will leave tomorrow already when ideas dry out but for todays theme (crystal) I already have an idea and a sketch.

You will not break me, I will break free.

''Ta zelena dežela me prevzame, ko vozim po cesti do Ljubljane, tukaj imam ljubezen, tukaj sem doma.''

Also leute, hunde, katze whoever the fuck else reads my blog. I was going to post a quick three or four sentences long post today regarding a topic that really pisses me off, but I decided against it. There are far more pressing matters happening for me to whine about yet another thing driving me crazy. Lets put it this way the world drives me crazy and be done with it. 

I've been complaining a lot, I've been letting the world bring me down far too much and I think it's been enough. Basta! Bad days are okay and allowed, we're all only human after all, but all this? This is not okay. This is exactly what people in positions of power want. Mental breakdowns, separation, hostility, a ''civil war'' of sorts. When you're on your own you're far less of a threath than you are as a united nation. I don't dream that we as people will ever come to a point where we'll put our differences aside and realize we're all in the same boat, might as well row the same way. Listen this wet dream came and went, even I can't put my differences aside so I get it, (though for something important I would of done it). It would be nice but I fear impossible. 

My dad always said that people in positions of power only seem tall because you're looking at them on your knees, stand up and you'll see how the view changes. Here's the deal they did what they did in the past year to people that allowed it. They cleaned up the sheep but the wolves remain. This is something my dad also taught me, I've always been a wolf and I always will be a wolf. Both a loner and a fighter. And we'll bite, claw, growl and howl untill we either win or die. It would never not even for a second cross my mind to give in. To roll over and die. There is no power great enough to make me go against my beliefs just as there is no power and no man I'd go on my knees for, except Henry Cavill but that's in a different type scenario (Henry if you're reading, drop me a message ;) ). 

I tend to forget the long line of strong women I come from. I have this jeans vest with my greatgrandmothers medal pinned to it. I never met her, she died way before my time but I wish I knew her. She was an extraordinary woman.  This medal (and one of many she received) was awarded to her for merits gained in the fight against the enemy forces for the liberation of the country and for contribution to the building and development of a self governing socialist society. My greatgrandmother was badass, she did not take shit from nobody. She started her own business, dealt with that all while raising three kids on her own and when the war broke out she had her own spy headquarters in her own house, right under everyone's noses. All the most important names and biggest war heros passed through her doors many times during that time, people whos pictures are in museums today, people who streets in this town are named after. Of course she was ratted out, and of course she was ratted out by her family because family seems to be the worst affliction there is. And of course they all paid for it, one of them war heros that was in the house at the time, shot in the head in my grandfathers bed, and my greatgrandmother and her kids shipped off to Auschwitz. She never made it out alive.

But here's the point, she knew what's on the line, she knew what she's risking, she knew of the punishment that can follow, and she did it anyways. She fought for what she believed in. She was a wolf, she fought teeth and nail, she fought till death. And I can't but think what a god damn disappointment I would be to her if I caved now. If I was a scared little bitch. No, not me. Not today, Satan. I'm not saying it's not tough. It is. So fucking tough, and I wanted to give up many times, but I didn't, I pressed on. Through all the fucking heartache and pain. I'm still standing and I'm still fighting. 

And someday I wont be embarrassed to look into my kids eyes (furry or non furry) because I wasn't a coward, because I wasn't scared, because I didn't break down, because I fought for what I believe is right. And I know I'm not alone. They want to make me feel alone, they want to make all of us feel alone because as I said above, you alone is no threath, but all of us together? Shit you guys, cities could burn down. 

I hate having my hands tied. I hate feeling helpless. I hate being angry at the world for not being able to change anything, to make it better. I hate how talking to people feels like howling at the moon. They hear nothing, they understand nothing. I hate this state of despair and darkness. I hate this heaviness that you can literally feel in the air, it's suffocating. I absolutely hate it. It's depressing, it's thick, it's overbaring…but I need to believe it will lift. I need to believe better times are coming. I need to believe we can be free once again, else I really could lie down and wait for death. 

I know all this is rich coming from me. I'm gloomy at best on most days. So what happened? I was driving last week, listening to only local musicians, those few I like anyways, the road was rather packed so we were stopping every few miles. Normally it would piss me the fuck off but this time…I enjoyed it. All the green scenery, the mountains, the trees, rivers, animals, sunset…it was beautiful. It made me realize how much I love my home. It's the politics I hate, it's the state of the country I hate, it's the people I hate. It's the hate itself I hate, but I never hated the country itself. It's absolutely gorgeous just the foundations are rotten. But the thing is, if I ever want this place to be all it could be, the wolves have to fight, have to bite, to take back what's ours. To clear out the rotten foundations and plant new ones. Don't ask me how. I have no magical solution. Brick by brick I suppose till all the sickness is irradicated. Change is scary but there must be a change. A change for the better.

Now, because it wont let me sleep, the short post that I was supposed to post today;

''All you're getting today is a short write up because I'm annoyed and angry and about ten fucking thousand of other emotions swirling up inside me that I can't even name in English langauge. I talked to someone who asked me what I'm doing in life as in career wise. I told him I'm an artist. Because essentially that word sums me up best, even if there are more things I can do, but what I am is an artist. And said person asked me ''is that all?''. There are hardly words to explain how that fucking sets me off. Listen to me and listen to me good, it's not ''just'' an artist, it's not ''is that all''. An artist is an artist and that should be enough. It's never going to be okay that I can't ''just'' be what I want to be, and it's never going to be okay that I can't make it as a living and as a career. The fact that I can't do what I love and what I'm good at is enraging to me and the fact that people say ''you're just an artist'' in a degrading tone is just completely insulting. To end the ranting, here's my latest work. It's JUST a drawing from JUST an artist that spent JUST 60 hours of her life perfecting it. JUST.''

With nights like these, who needs the days? I shut my eyes and sleep them away.

It's Monday night and I can officially say I am done with this week. With this world. With this life. These really are the days where I wonder if I'm going crazy or the entire world around me is insane. It's probably this place though, this place that's making me want to jump out of my skin, or scream, or burn the entire fucking town down and dance on it's ashes. Preferably naked.

I can't stop thinking about that graffiti down town, about dreams and life and how meaningless it all is. ''I have no more dreams, you cannot kill me''. I can't but think about it the same way. What dreams do I still have? What do I even want anymore? From the world, from life? And you know what's the scariest part? Nothing at all. I don't have goals, wishes, dreams, desires, motivation. There's absolutely nothing that I want to be doing. There's no passion, no drive, no dream. I need to beg myself to just get up in the morning. I need to plead myself to try and read, to try and draw, to try and edit a picture, try and take a short walk in the sunshine…things I used to enjoy so much. They are just meaningless.

I wonder why all my plants are dead then I remember that at some point I just stopped watering them, stopped caring about them, like I did about myself a long fucking time ago tbh. I'd not be surprised if the sorry state of my hands would be leaving bloody patterns all over my keyboard just now. At some point I start wondering why I feel so horrible and I remember I just stopped taking my medication, because I forgot, because I didn't care, because it doesn't really matter, I just stopped caring about getting better. And like I did about everything I loved. At some point the sorry state of my bedroom with clothes and vinyl tossed about is just pathetic. Truth is I'm just tired. I'm hiding behind a ridiculous ''I'm okay'' but truth is I'm not and I haven't been okay since I was like 13. So tired of this crazy world, so tired of failure, so tired of being hurt and lost and being sad all the time. I'm so tired of lies, people pretending to care, people walking out, people using people, people hurting people. I'm so tired of all the insecurities, I'm so tired of feeling like this all the time. So tired of living tbh.

People call you brave because you got through a storm, brave because you pulled through some serious shit in your life. Brave because you came out stronger. But nobody ever sees the mess this shit storm caused you. Nobody can see just how damaged you are. People say a certain break up saves you. Friends walking out are just people you don't need in your life. Family being as toxic as one can be just makes you stronger…what if after all this you just have no strength left to fight?

What if that someday in the quote ''you will get better, not today, but someday'' never actually comes? What if all your life you're not only miserable but constantly spinning around three things; ''am I the problem?'', ''is something wrong with me?'', ''will I ever be enough?''.  A couple more questions people just don't understand. No wonder. And unrelated but still, people are silent because they're too comfortable in their own pathetic mediocre lives and too scared to have anything taken from them. Maybe that's also part of my misery, that I can't settle for something uninspiring in life. Maybe it's that I need life and adventure and romance. And happiness. Not the fake ''I'm okay'' one. But actual happiness. Whatever that feels like.

And maybe it's my sadistic nature, and my sadistic brain that makes me go over and over and over things that hurt me. Memories that hurt. Pictures that hurt. Sometimes I wonder what's the matter with me, why can't I let it go. Why do I enjoy hurting myself? Maybe because I feel like I deserve it. Maybe because I can't break free, because pain is all I know, all I known my entire life. Maybe I don't even know how to be happy, or wouldn't understand it if I was. I'd be the dumb idiot thinking she's having some type of cardiac arrest if I ever felt an ounce of happiness.

Few years back a friend asked me if I can explain to him what is it that I'm scared of. If I can actually list some fears. He was trying to make me see that most are irrational. Yes thank you I know anxiety is dumb, I know things I'm afraid of are things I really shouldn't be afraid of but here we are. At this point depression is just stupid, it's like ''oh we feel like dying today? You sound stupid, get it together bitch''. A snipped of me having a conversation with myself. I know it's stupid. I know it's ridiculous. I know fear is pointless and yet here we are. But that aside, the funny part is that all the rational fears, the ones based on things you can feel and touch, well they all came true. And I keep thinking where did I take that wrong turn to get my life to a point THIS fucking fucked up.

My brain literally hurts from inability to explain what's going on upstairs, to make things better, to move to a different point in life. To move at all. It's so hard, it's like, wanting company but at the same time wanting to be alone forever. It's like wanting to talk to someone, explain, be heard and understood and at the same time not wanting to be a burden and not knowing what to say in the first place. It's like desperately trying to understand all the emotions, and pain, and heaving chest, and at the same time it's too all consuming, choking, drowning…it's like understanding you need help and wanting to reach out and get it and understanding it's for your own good but at the same time keeping it all inside because you're afraid your own pain might cause pain to others and all it really comes out is ''I'm sorry'' or ''I'm okay''. Everything hurts when you wake up tired all the time, no ammount of sleep would help with this kinda tired so you just don't sleep at all but rather pace around and let your mind come up with scenarios so crazy they could never be true, but you know, your mind is the most dangerous weapon.

Here's one thing my daddy taught me ''don't ask people how they're doing, if you're not going to be there when they tell you they're not okay''. It's been a constant reminder these days. Empty gestures, people saying they're there when you need them, but they really aren't. Just because your world has stopped and crashed theirs wont. And that's alright. It shouldn't but pretending you'll be around, pretending that someone's pain in any way, shape or form affects you when it really doesn't, when you go on with your life like nothing happened…that's not alright. I couldn't care less but this ties up to the part about people walking out of your life. When I'm just lying in the middle of the room, wanting to all but slit open my wrists and talking to someone, and that someone tells me ''that's horrible, I feel so bad, but I have to go (enter something stupid here like ''shave my ass'') '' that is an eye opener. People don't care. And in moments like that I'm glad to be distancing myself from most people anyways.

Another smart thing daddy taught me. He told me that if I don't love myself I will never know how to love someone else. Well, I'm calling you bluff on that dad because I have never loved myself but a few other people? My god. I loved them so much I forgot what hating myself feels like. Maybe that was the point though? You never said but maybe…maybe like one of your songs says love can in fact cure hatred. I don't know though, and I don't know if I'll ever know, I think there's no space in my mind or heart left for love. Only heartbreak and pain and missing, missing so much it makes you sick.

Maybe at this point I'm no longer trying because I don't really want to be cured. I don't want to be saved. Maybe I don't want the darkness to go away because at the end of the day, after all these years, darkness is all I know.

You tell me I'm a wreck I say that I'm a mess, how can you expect anything less?

Day 627 on the alien planet. Zero updates at this point. Life is hell. 

I dreamt I was lost in the streets of Helsinki with you again. It was night time, the sky gray and gloomy, clouds leaking cold rain, your hand in mine…there is no place I'd rather be. 

I have a love hate relationship with the rain. There's nothing quite like sweet kisses in the rain, the sounds and feeling of rain drops on your face, gentle kisses, soft sighs, hearts beating faster and faster, fingers running through your wet hair, the smell of wind, rain, earth all around you, the overwhelming calm in such a moment. Or the pouring rain in the morning where you lay in your lovers arms, knowing you have nowhere to be and you just snuggle closer, feeling the warmth and happiness in someone's arms. Or maybe when it's three in the morning like it is now, when you're watching a thunderstorm outside in the distance, drinking your hot coffee, enjoying the silence. I'd entertain this idea of thunderstorms and a gothic castle, candles lit all over, pretty ball gowns, a tragic love letter with ink smeared with tears…sigh. But right now rain seems to be adding to my misery. I feel like it's not just the clouds that are pouring rain but also my soul. I feel like as soon as August turns to September and days get colder, and darker, and gloomier, so do I. Nothing is alright no more.

Ughhhhh. I keep saying it's been a bad week but Jesus Christ I think this one took first prize for the worst week ever. I don't know why I keep saying things can not get any worse because all that brings is things getting in fact much worse. I don't know what parallel world or twilight zone I found myself stuck in but everything happening lately just reached another level of fucking madness.

You know a friend of mine that I miss daily ( to a point where I give myself a panic attack, brilliant aint it? ) once told me that I need to beware of chasing a fake idea of happiness. He told me that the idea that happiness is in another place, another country, town, or in another job, or with a new partner even is utter bullshit. He told me that until I give up the idea that happiness is in another place or in another person I will never be nor happy nor where I want to be in life. Maybe I didn't quite understand it then but I do now when I feel like I'm chasing an illusion, always thinking or better hoping that the next thing will make me happy and it never does. Little did I know that one of the few things that did make me happy was him. All the dumb little things we used to do that seemed so meaningless at the time but now mean the world. There are no words for how I'd kill to be bored lying on some backstage sofa with him again and his ''shut up I'm trying to sleep''. Sigh. You really never know what you got until it's taken from you. 

It's been a tough fucking year that's all I'm saying. I never managed to really put myself back together after a tough couple of years and then 2020 and 2021 happened. And don't think I processed them yet beause honestly, mentally I'm still stuck in 2019. 

How can something missing in your life hurt this much is beyond me. How can emotional pain feel like you're having a heart attack? It's crazy. And the dumbest thing is that I'm not even dreaming of money, or luxury, or fame, or whatever else basic white girl drinking rose's wet dream is. Nah. Here I am lost in a daydream of a completely isolated day, just me and him, waking up to warm morning light on our faces and not remembering anything, no pain, no hurt, not one of them saddest nights. I am lost in a daydream where I kiss his sunkissed forehead and smile because there's nothing more beautiful than his face somewhere between sleepiness and blissfulness. I daydream of those little moments where he stands behind me and hugs me while I make him his coffee just the way he likes it and he's humming along to Aerosmith playing on my iPod. 

''Lying close to you, feeling your heart beating and I'm wondering what you're dreaming, wondering if it's me you're seeing. Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together and I just want to stay with you in this moment forever. Forever and ever.''

So much of daydreams. Nothing kinky, nothing wild, nothing crazy. Just the only comfort and only home I know. Maybe this is another problem. Everything I know about life, love, everything really, I know from books. And books lie. They make things prettier than they really are. They make love feel like magic, they make happy endings real. People don't usually die, they're not gone, they don't break your heart and in the end everything falls into place. At least that's how it is in books I read. Might be another mistake on my part. Only reading books with happy endings. There aren't any in real life are there?

Don't ask me where I'm going with this. Just rambling I suppose. As usual. Not making any sense, maybe just letting things out. Or trying to put my crazy mind in order. Imagine a computer with 30 tabs open, one playing music, one talking, and all of them freezing and shutting down. That's how my mind feels most days. Maybe that's why these posts are all over the place. I can probably switch from one topic and emotion to another in 0.32 seconds. Just like I can go from being nice to being a bitch in about the same ammount of time. 

I've been missing so many ''little things'' lately. Being bored with my best friend, lazy mornings and making coffee to my ''the one''.  Things my dad and I used to do together all the time, building tiny ranches and houses with chopped hedges and little plastic animals. I've been thinking of that one really happy memory, when we got our first dog and we camped outside in a tent so the dog wouldn't sleep alone outside for the first night. I miss ''our dinners''. Of course everyone can follow the recipe and do the same thing but it's never quite the same is it. I miss them long nights and starry skies above. I miss our old house. I just miss my old life I think, my biggest problem was finding something clean to wear, well that still is a problem but far from the only or biggest one.

It's funny how we're all in a hurry to grow up to move on from the place we're at, not knowing how badly we'll want those days back and how those were the happiest memories we got later in life. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll put on some soft music and try to get my clothes in order, which is more than I can say about my life. Putting all my shorts away and endless ammounts of jackets and sweaters in their place always makes me miserable and since it already is a miserable night…why not.

I guess I'm just looking for any kind of distraction. Distraction from the pain and the suffering and the situation at hand. I'm trying to block all the ''light'' all the hurt out. It's not as easy is it? Light will find a way just like life will. I know we'll never go truly back to ''normal'' and I despise the words ''new normal''. Nothing really is normal no more, but maybe…just maybe you're reading this in the far future, and ''this'' the situation is over. And maybe you're living your ''normal'' and maybe I'm living it with you. How I wish that were the case…

In the mean time, enjoy the weekend you guys, dance naked in the rain if you feel like it, there's not much more to look forward to in life.