In nome del padre, del figlio, spirito santo.

I take it you noticed by the Italian titles lately how badly I miss Italy? The no Milano concerts, no daily trips, no crossing the border just for Aperol and quick shopping is literally killing me. Nevermind a proper vacation. Been too long. Might also be my obsession with a certain Italian band as well, loved them from the second I heard them play in the streets of Rome tbh (them and about 10 others, it's amazing how much live music and how much talent there is). But I love them even more now. Some of their songs…they are just, you know, perfect. Some songs just feel different, like ''Coraline''. That one hits stronger. You know the lines ''E Coraline piange, Coraline ha l'ansia, Coraline vuole il mare ma ha paura dell'acqua, e forse il mare e dentro di lei''. That is different. That is not just a song, that is freakin poetry on a higher level.  And the song from the title In nome del padre? I think every artist (and non artist) understands that one. 

So trying to cut on the whining and complaining I suppose I'll only post when I'll have something to say…something that isn't ''I get dressed up and put on makeup these days for the work men and the mail man'' in my defense the mail man loved my makeup the other day, told me I look beautiful. I don't know if this is some sort of kiss ass after I shredded them a couple of times for their lousy services but it sure was nice to hear for a change. I mean usually it's ''you look dumb'', ''that's too much eyeliner'', ''going to a funeral?'' etc. Being called beautiful by a stranger is a rare event so let me enjoy it.

I've been feeling just horrible this entire month, I mean I feel awful all the freakin time, there's always something, there's always something going on, something dragging me down, but I think this month is really topping that whole top ten worst months chart. I imagine this is how it feels to be in a tornado, right in the middle of it, the world is spinning out of control around you and all you get to do is watch it. Then it suddenly stops, everything falls down in a violent matter and just when you think you can take a little breath, take it a bit easier, start picking up the pieces to try and rebuild your life, well think again, the world starts spinning all over again and you're left dazed, confused and with no sense of direction or purpose. And the worst part? There is nothing you can do to stop it, nothing to do that will stop this wild rollercoaster. Is this making sense to you? I suppose not. Lets move on to the point of this post…

This weekend was what is or well, was, my favourite summer event. The ''museum summer night'', it's not that much the fact that all muesums are free on the summer night event, because lets face it I spend more time at the museums than I do at home meaning I buy tickets all the time, it's the fact that it's a nightly visit. I love museums at night, they get this special eerie vibe. Usually that vibe is completely fucked up by screeching kids though. Have I told you lately how badly I can't stand human children? If not here it is now. Jesus fucking christ are they annoying. And I can't stand these upper class parents that dress like they're going to the opera, dragging their dumb offspring to museums on the one night when it's free, letting them run around foaming at the mouth, screaming like wild animals. Oh my god. It's a museum not a fucking playground. It's a cultural establishment, so how about showing some culture too? Don't pretend you can't pay for tickets in those Calvin Klein jeans...

Point here is though that it was a different experience all together last night because there were no screaming kids, and almost zero people all together, I suspect that's because there was a wine tasting thing going on in town where there were booths with different wines all over all main streets, cool but not my thing, I don't really like wine, and if these high class in ties people knew that I like cheap strawberry wine most, they'd probably die of heart failure on the spot. Well a nice sweeter white wine with an ocean view is always welcome but you know that's not always possible. There's an on going joke I have with my family about red wine and spaghetti with meat balls, I hate both, actually vegetarian too, but if a handsome Italian boy ( I'm looking at you Damiano David ) bought those for me in a ''trattoria'' with red and white checkered table cloths, overlooking the Pantheon I'd enjoy both (and him too later). Not even joking. God someone please for the love of everything holy take me to Italy before I lose my fucking mind. I kinda think I already did tbh but before it gets even worse. 

Alright so no people last night made it more possible to spend more time inside watching the artifacts, some new that I haven't yet seen, but mostly things I know and love. I guess what I love most about these things is that every item has a story. I mean obviously, but we are somehow detached. Oh okay this is a necklace that was found in some grave, in the Roman era…okay. But think about it. Some woman wore this, maybe she was gifted this necklace on a special occassion, maybe someone that loved her gave it to her. A family member, a friend, a lover. Was it a happy love story? Did she die young? Did they live happy ever after?  My 1/4 of Italian blood is strong, I'm a hopless romantic yes. Which brings us to what I got lost in last night…

History of my hometown is super rich. Prehistoric artifacts, celtic settlements, important Roman highway and some sort of connection point, and the most important family of the middle ages. The ''counts''. The entire story of the counts (I swear I listen to too much Steel Panther I keep wanting to write cunts lol, excuse me if that happens by mistake) is amazing, they were an amazing powerful family, rich, smart and influential. I can't help but constantly wonder what would happen if they'd survive up till now. I have no problem saying that then this place would be the center of Europe. Without a doubt. My favourite story connected to this family though is a story about Friderik and Veronika. It's your typical Romeo and Juliet situation, only you know they weren't children and while Romeo and Juliet are a legend which nobody knows if it's really true, Friderik and Veronika are 100% real. 

I was wandering the wing of the museum basically alone last night, in between remains of the count family, unfortunally mostly reproductions because so much was lost and stolen, and couldn't shake the eerie feeling. These two actually walked these hallways once (museum is obviously in their castle), they maybe met in secret after dark on the castle grounds, hiding from curious eyes. Maybe they enjoyed being young and in love, running around in a warm summer rain shower like we do. They weren't that different after all were they?

You know how the story goes right? Friderik was the eldest son of a very powerful count Herman ll., he was spreading his influence and empire with wars and diplomacy, arranged marriages and such, at the height of their power they owned over 100 castles all over Europe. Of course in turn Friderik was set to marry an important lady from a high class family, Elizabeth, who came from the richest and most influential family of counts from Croatia. Marriage was little but a business deal at the time. With this wedding Herman entrusted his son land to manage in Slavonia and Croatia as well as at home, they had two children together as well, Friderik ll., who died as a child and Ulrik who was the father of Ulrik ll., unfortunally the last count with who the family died with. 

The fact that this marriage was a business deal obviously couldn't mean happiness. It could I suppose, but what are the odds that you find yourself falling in love with the one you were set up with. The last eight years of marriage they didn't even live together. Here is where the romantic, epic, love story comes in, Friderik met Veronika, they call it an affair because they met before his wife died, which fueled the fire of rumors that it was Friderik himself who murdered his wife Elizabeth so he could be with Veronika. I sincerely doubt that because historical facts show that those who started the rumors were those that were opposed to the counts politics. I think it was an unfortunate or fortunate for Friderik event. Her death allowed him to marry his actual true love Veronika. 

This is such a passionate story, with such a tragic end. My god. The heart ache. Friderik married Veronika somewhere around 1424 and they moved to the castle that he had build just for her. A mans home is his castle right? Only in this case a literal castle. Of course this marriage was an issue for his monster of a father, because she was not up to his standards, you know, not rich, not important enough, not high class enough. Friderik smeared the family name by marrying her and so on and Herman had other plans with his son. It was the pressure and threaths from his father that had Friderik ask Venice for an asylum based on being threathened with death. Venice senate debated on the matter but refused the application. Assholes just saying. It was actually a Hungarian asshole Sigismund who lured Friderik to his castle after this catastrophic blow of being turned down by the Venetian senate and had him returned to his furious and if you ask me severely unstable father. Herman in an attempt to ''fix'' what Friderik ''broke'' had his son locked up in a tower and had the castle he build for Veronika torn down as if to completely erase her existance. 

Herman was looking for Veronika during his sons imprisonment, she was hiding literally out in the wild for a while, like an animal in a cave. Can you imagine that? The fear and defeat she had to feel in those moments? And heart break too. Friderik IX. was the one who hid her in his castle but unfortunally Herman found her. She was brought to the court where she stood trial because he accused her of witchcraft, saying she poisoned his son and forced him with some dark magic to marry her. I guess the psycho was right with something, love is the closest thing to magic isn't it? Well Veronika had a great defender so she was found not guilty but you can imagine that wasn't enough for Herman so he had her locked up as well and later murdered by having her drowned in a bath tub. 

Can you imagine the pain that Friderik felt when he learned what happened to the love of his life? I bet it was like having his heart ripped out. She was hunted, accused of being a witch and drowned all while he was locked up and couldn't do anything about it. Couldn't see her, couldn't say goodbye. And their only real sin was falling in love. There was never a doubt he loved her, possibly the whole passionate, romantic, all consuming kinda love. History tells us it's that way. An epic love story, there was never a single doubt that Friderik absolutely adored Veronika, first of because he rebelled against his dad for her, an extremelly powerful man that held the reins to everything and not only that but he was the head of the entire dynasty. He had the castle that they lived in that his dad had demolished rebuild, he had her body excavated and buried in another location some years after her death, in order to be buried with her some day. Legend says that in those times it was custom to have different body parts buried in different places, head in one place, body in another. Legend says that Friderik's heart was buried with Veronika after he died because the custom didn't allow his body to be with her since the family has designated burial space where she couldn't be buried at. How freakin tragic. His heart with the woman he loved. God tear my heart out and put it in a blender, it would hurt less. I understand it metaphorically though, I felt my heart ripped out and buried with people I love too. 

Another thing speaking of the fact that this was undying love was the fact that he had funds donated to keep an eternal light burning, and to have another wing of a church and a new altar build to held masses for them and mostly for her. It's unclear today btw where she is buried, many locations have been rumored and researched but her body is yet to be found. I get so mad how their story is so used here, they use it to promote just about everything, putting their name and their tragic story everywhere, but they don't have the decency to put together a proper search team, get the funds to find Veronika and bury her with him, to give them their, eternal rest together, to bring them peace they deserve. 

Herman was forced to release Friderik after his eldest brother died btw, so he had to live with his father knowing what he did and dealing with every other thing that monster threw under his feet. Sometimes one wonders if it wasn't better if he'd kill them both together. I think I'd prefer that if I was in Friderik's shoes. There's a famous rock in the remains of the castle they lived in, it's famous because they say it holds the mark of Veronika today. Legend says that on their wedding night, Veronika sat on that very rock when Friderik kissed her and it was their hot, passionate love that literally melted the rock. 

My mind wandered some place else last night, thinking about them, thinking about such strong connection and actually understanding because I had that kinda love and I let it slip away. What is it that makes us so crazy? So stupid? Friderik put everything on the line to be with the woman he loved, why can't we do the same? Why can't we take a risk and fight for the person we love? Why do we let that special someone get away, never knowing what could it be like to have them by your side forever. Yeah, forever. I believe in that still. I believe in true love, I believe in that all consuming passion, and being best friends, and not being able to breathe without each other. I need to believe that because that's the only thing making sense in this life to me. The only thing that is close to magic, the only thing worth living and fighting for. If you don't date to marry and stay together, you date to break up. That's all there is to it. I need to believe that love still exists. That love is real. Because if it's not, then what do we have left? 

''What do you got if you aint got love? Whatever you got it just aint enough, you're walkin' the road but you're goin' nowhere, you're tryin' to find your way home, but there's no one there. Who do you hold, in the dark of night? You wanna give up, but it's worth the fight, you have all the things, that you've been dreamin' of, if you ain't got love it's all just keepin score, if you ain't got love, what the hell we doing it for?''.

Now before I depress you to no end, enjoy these pictures instead.

Cheers guys, here's to another week of hell, both metaphorical and literal (summer is back in southern Europe and we have no AC due to house renovations…sigh). 

Perché la vita senza te non può essere perfetta.

I got a little bit lazy with these blog updates. Why? Not finding inspiration aside, I love writing about books, concerts, albums and there haven't been many of those in my life lately. Well there hasn't been much of anything lately and the constant rain depressed me even more. But the skies are clear, weather summerish, I'm wearing matching underwear, yes that's important news because not only did I bother to put on underwear but also it's matching. Might be an endless ammount of workmen in our house / street that basically forced me to start wearing clothes and actually brush my hair before I give someone a heart attack. Saying this after I already showed three of them too much. I'm sorry if I just don't expect strangers in my kitchen at 7 am when I'm getting some water. Sigh. Going to be an interesting couple of weeks, especially if you consider that they incapacitated my AC, during the summer, in the South. Okay cool, we're just all going to die obviously. 

In other news, with all the cancellations of concerts, nobody even look at me or even consider breathing my way next Saturday. June 12th was supposed to be the weekend in Croatia when I get to chill at the cat cafe and see Steel Panther which is something I've been wishing and wanting for years. It's cancelled of fucking course and there are hardly words to describe my anger and disappointment. It's funny I posted a picture of the concert poster in January saying ''korona if you fuck this up for me I'm burning down this entire country'' well…WELL! And I'm not even going to say ''MCR'' because that one just makes me want to scream. Let's just pray there's some hope left for GN'R. I mean it's next year but, lol…

Should I even bother with vacation? Berlin was in the plans this year, like for real, had a hotel booked and all. It would be a real vacation, seeing my fave city (or used to be fave) after what 12 or 13 years? Something like that but that's impossible now too and also I lost all will and desire to even step foot into Germany. I guess in a way I should thank korona, saved me from that disappointment. The whole why and how is a long story but to make it short let's just say I realised I was being stupid and in love with an illusion that no longer exists. Or maybe I was seeing things through heart shaped glasses.

Any future (if ever) travels will be focused on what I really love which is Italy (obviously of course other places I aint ever seen too). I'm sorry but there is nothing and no place like Italy. I think I had to grow up and realise that things aren't as I thought, Berlin used to be cool, but tastes change, people change,…Italy on the other hand was a constant true love for me. I love Milano so much. I love Tuscany so much. Florence amore mio. Rome? Out of this world. Rome is like…like the entire city is an art museum. And there's nothing I love more, art museums, classical art the one I love most, the whole city breathes this romantic vibe. I don't know how to explain it but if I put it into art Berlin is the darkest cold Picasso, all sharp lines and discipline and Rome is the softest, beautiful and playful portrait, something like The birth of Venus. Am I making sense? Not really, I know. You should try walking the streets of Rome in that golden hour time frame, holding hands with someone you love, just after a refreshing summer rain shower when all of the streets glisten like diamonds and the air is just clear and fresh but still warm and there are musicians on every street corner and the city is alive with life and love. Sigh. I don't even know what I miss most, all of this. 

I've been reading this article about eleven best cities to visit in Italy. I realised I crossed them all off my list already. Only ''to do'' city for me is Pisa. I don't know how it's possible I haven't been there yet when I've done them all already including all of Sicily. And each time I fell in love a little bit more.  I fell in love with the charming small cities, I fell in love with the coast lines, I fell in love with the way they live, with the people, with the weather, with the food, with the history, with the art. Everything really. There aint no place like Italy on this planet. I've been to a lot of places and only Italy has my whole heart. Thinking back, all my best and all my favourite memories are in Italy. People I love. Art I love. Favourite concerts. All brings us back to Italy somehow. 

I honestly can't even put into words how thankful I am that I got to see Venice last year after wishing and dreaming for so long. It was a different experience all together because they were everything I hoped for, dreamed about and expected to see. Pure perfection. And I also can't put it into words how much I miss it all. How much I miss jumping in the car driving to the border just to get a proper coffee and Aperol that only Italians know how to do right. How much I miss concerts in Milano and just Milano in general. How much I miss the Italian sea side, the gorgeous blue skies and crystal clear water. How much I miss the sunsets, the smell of salty air, the weird Italian trees, the pretty hill side country and the flat, straight, ''boring'' Calabria. I even miss the unbearable July heat and the ridiculously expensive coke on the Sienna main square. I miss the pizza and the pasta and gelato and the constant never ending Italian chatter. I miss the laughter and the smell of cooking when you walk down those cute narrow steets where neighbors yell to each other from one balcony to another. 

But I'm not going to make this post depressing again. Everything in my life already is completely fucked up so I don't need to make it worse with depressing blog posts. Instead I chose like 200 pictures which I narrowed down (that was fucking difficult), some of my favourite memories, sharing below, so hope y'all enjoy them as much as I do, remembering the better days and the easier life…

Enjoy the weekend you guys, I'll be drowning my sorrows in beer at a local beer festival, assuming I get in. Cheers. 

Siamo fuori di testa, ma diversi da loro.

Good evening Europe, how are we feeling today? So now when it's obvious that Saturday night wasn't just a fever dream, oh my god, can you hear me scream? I haven't been as happy with the results of the Eurovision song contest since Lordi won in 2006. Yes as a true ''Euro trash'' person as my friends like to call me due to my language switching back and forth from several languages I watch Eurovision every year and every year I'm upset over the pathetic, boring, whiny winner, and also with what crap we always send to compete but that's a story for another day when I decide if our jury who picks a winner is deaf, blind or just plain stupid. Maybe all of the above tbh.

Here's the deal, I don't get Europeans who don't watch this show, I have said several times their EU membership should be revoked, I guess they're music haters or just plain boring, maybe they just don't know how to have a little fun. The glam, the glitter, the vibe, the scenes, the sets, the lights, the music (some of it anyways) and Graham Norton's comments alone are worth it. My friends and I used to go full Elton John, sparkly dresses, sparkly makeup, feathery boas, sky high heels and an endless ammount of rose, just to sit on the couch and watch the show. Make a full freakin party out of it. Of course usually the drinking at the end was to drown the sorrows but this time it was actually in celebration. Champagne all the way baby because oh my oh my how the tables have turned this year.

Of course the entire show isn't what it used to be, before we get too political or talk about how jury handing out points is just a political move, countries giving points to their neighbors and some such shit (can I just say for once I am proud of my own country for giving Italy 12 fucking points fuck yeah! Finally out of the dumb stereotypes),  please someone explain to me what the fuck is Australia even doing on EUROvision song contest, also no hard feelings but seriously Australia what the fuck was that this year? And also Israel? With a song titled ''Set me free''? the fuck was that? a cruel joke? But BUT, you guys! The jury said Sweitzerland, a pathetic, whiny song, and the jury said France, what the fuck? fake wnb Edith Piaf making me wanna slit open my wirsts. And then THEN you guys the people have spoken and the people said fuck all of you we want Italy (took all the phones in my house and voted as many times as I could, I know I'll be dead when phone bills come in but fuck it lol). And there are no words no words to explain how happy this makes me. Lets face it, few things make me happy these days but this? This sure AF does. 

Not just because rock music won, lets face it we need more real rock n roll in our lives, we need more rock on all types of song contests, the type that's like whiskey, burns a little when you take it in ;) but also because this win is a new era. The band with their winning song is done with the boomers, it's time for the young now. The young have spoken, the young have voted. The LGBT+ have spoken and were also heard with this win and I am over the moon. Even if the offended boomers then when they had nothing left had to accuse the band of doing drugs in the middle of the event. Sure. In a full venue. They somehow smuggled in cocaine. And were doing in right when a huge fucking camera was pointed in their faces. Brilliant. So ballsy. Omg I am so fed up with these narrowminded people judging based on looks, based on some twisted idea of normality. Sick of hatred in general. Just like the song says ''you better shut up and be quiet'', only say it louder for the people in the back. 

For all y'all still not understanding how important this win is. The band came on not just with a loud rock song, ''saving'' rock n roll but with a message, they smashed stereotypes, they smashed the whole toxic masculinity (pay attention to the lead singers ink ''boys do cry''),they smashed the stereotype of love should only be between a man and a woman (cheers guys for all that boy on boy makeout sessions on stage, that got me hot and horny not going to lie lol), they are sending a message to love who ever the fuck you wanna love, fuck gender, fuck what people think, love is love. And they did this at a contest that has audiences all over the world, an estimated 200 million people watch ESC each year, in countries that still have anti LGBT+ laws, and countries that are just narrow minded, homophobic, or just plain hateful, countries that can't bare the idea of a man in makeup and high heels, or god forbid wearing clothes we can only see fit for a woman (women wear pants which are ''male'' clothes, why can't a man put on a skirt?), god forbid a man looking a bit too feminine. The music could be absolute shit and this alone would be enough for me to make them winners. Of course good music is just an added bonus but really this is amazing on so many levels, they are showing the younger generations the importance of accepting yourself for who you are, to love yourself and whoever else you wanna love, and ugly rumors being formed because of that, because they don't fit in your frame of ''normality'', or trying to minimise their win is pathetic and ugly and distasteful. 

For all y'all wanting to attack me ''his head was down he was snorting coke'' fuck you, it takes longer than 2 seconds to snort up a row of coke and fuck you because all he was doing was picking up a broken glass, and fuck you for hating them because they're different, and fuck you for hating them for standing up for gay and bi rights. 

Thank you Måneskin for being you, for brining the breath of fresh air and for standing up for what you believe in, I love it so much, and who knows maybe see you in Italy in 2022. That be great. And also btw just food for thought, Italy and their economy being as it is, step into the bands shoes and just imagine getting entire Europe so fucking horny you collapse your country's economy. If that aint the most badass and the most rock n roll thing you can possibly do then I just don't know what is. Lol. At the end of the day though why am I even getting worked up about this, people are stupid, they'll always be stupid and at the end of the day ''parla la gente purtroppo, parla non sad i che cazzo parla''. Now that I'm done with that, I apologise to all my non EU readers, us Europeans tend to be insufferable during ESC week. Just ask Tumblr users lol. Lucky though all my friends are just as crazy as I am, passionate actually not crazy, and we freak out for a week together. You should have seen us when we were actually AT the song contest. Lol. Craziness multiplied.

Now that I got all the happy and also angry out…can I touch a bit of sadness (why is my brain telling me ''can I play with madness'' instead lol)? You know it hasn't been that long since one of my best friends died, and then another, and then another. Like some sick deathrow, dropping one by one. I don't get it. I can't process it. I don't know how it's fair or right. I don't know how I'm supposed to unpack or even begin to unravel all these emotions. I don't understand how people just expect me to be ''normal'', to cope, to function, to be nice, to tolerate them, to smile and carry on, to work, to be productive. I just wanna scream. I just wanna break things. I don't get it. This world is broken. We all have our own struggles, and our own limits, I get that. But we don't all heal in the same time frame. Some need a year, some need ten, some never get fully better, just sorta functional. Why can't we understand that? Why can't we show if not compassion at least understanding?

It's been hard during this week because one of those friends was always watching Eurovision and being silly with me and if we weren't together we had skype running and watching ''together''. And I know he would just adore these Italian boys and lady, actually I'd send him the link as soon as they won San Remo and we'd probably fangirl for a month in advance. I mean missing someone doesn't really change. You always miss them but when something you used to do together crops up, something that really reminds you of them, then it just gets unbearable, maybe right now that much more because the wound is just too fresh. 

I don't know you guys, life is just hard, if you have any magical solutions as to how to make it easier, without calling Dr. Feelgood that is, I'll be here waiting, in the mean time enjoy this doodle of the pretty Italian ESC winners. Tbh that singer could spit in my mouth and I'd say ''si grazie papi'' just sayin.